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Planet Jokes

Q: What's a space pirate's favorite planet?

A: mArrrs!
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What kind of music do planets like?

Neptunes.
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What did the Vegetable Fetishists say when they landed on an alien planet?

“We cum in peas.”

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees ...
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People who copy jokes are the worst people on the planet.

So anyways, why did the chicken cross the road?
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The planet earth can't possibly be flat.

If it was cats would have pushed everything not nailed down off the edge.
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"Why are scientists calling Pluto a dwarf planet?"

"Oh I think it is pretty self-explanetory."
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Scientists have discovered a planet populated entirely by robots.

They call it Mars.
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Why haven’t aliens visited our planet yet?

They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!
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Galactus loves his planets

I bet he enjoys eating Uranus

(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars?

Na-BOO!
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Earth is the third planet from the sun.

By this logic, all countries are third world countries
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Did you know the Illuminati once bought pizza for every single person on the planet?

And if the rumours are true, they’re gonna do it again, it’s gonna be a new world order.
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/r/Jokes/ wins Friend of the Planet award!

for 95% recycled content.
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Did you know that every planet in our solar system is named after a god?

Except Earth...which is named after all that stuff on the ground.
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Reddit has become great for the planet

Almost all content is now post-consumer recycled
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What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?

A UF-hoe.
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Planet Vegeta should've never been destroyed

I'm just Saiyan
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Which planet appears largest in a telescope?

Earth
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There must be another planet somewhere with worms.

Otherwise why would we call ours “Earth” worms
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In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
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The 7th planet should be a moon

Because it's Uranus.

(This is an unprovoked joke from my 7 year daughter who is drawing pictures of planets in her coloring book. I thought its was clever)

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Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...

US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.

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What's Hitler's least favorite planet?

Jewpiter.

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People all over the planet have started ejaculating mysteriously.

What is this world coming to?

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If I could have sex with any person on the planet

I would

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If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

Aliens invade the planet

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it's a f...
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What did Earth say to the other planets?

Wow. You guys have no life.
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The first planet to win a Nobel Prize?

Marie Curie
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In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth...wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:

"Mary...I've not much time left. So I...
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A man in his 50's visits the doctor.

"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"

"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have *any* idea what's happening out there?! Global warming i...

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Two planets meet on the milky way.

One says: You look much better. Did you find something against your homo sapiens?
The other answers: My doctor is still experimenting with viruses. But it seems to get better.

Two Aliens come to our Planet

They are greeted by armed forces. They inform us that our inferior weapons don't stand a chance against them. The only way they will let us go is if we can make them laugh. However, they have seen all jokes there are on the internet and only a new original joke will work on them. Humanity gathers th...
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So aliens flew by our planet recently and one asked the other...

Alien 1 How advanced is that civilization?

Alien 2 They have discovered nuclear technology.

Alien 1 Oh boy... That's pretty intelligent. We better keep our distance then from their missles.

Alien 2 Nah, they're not that smart yet. They have em pointed at themselves.
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There are 2 types of people on this planet

Those who can extrapolate omitted data using existing data.
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Our planet successfully played most notes on the piano.

But it couldn't B flat.
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Why are hyenas the healthiest animals on the planet?

Because laughter is the best medicine.
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If there is earth on planet Earth, why aren't there Jews on Jupiter?

Because it's a gas planet.

Earth day joke: is the planet round or flat?

Neither, it is screwed.
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The entire crew of the first manned mission to Jupiter died upon reaching the planet...

I guess nobody quite understood the gravity of the situation.
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My 6th grade teacher, Miss Parkman, told me I'd never make it as a writer and said to find a career that wasn't so challenging. Well, 30 years later, after being turned down by almost every publisher on the planet, I'm thrilled to be able to announce that ...

... I heard Miss Parkman died.
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Did you know that Chewbacca's brother Pannubacca died when Princess Leia's home planet was destroyed?

Pannub, as his friends called him, had never had much luck with the ladies and was horribly shy due to his terribly crooked teeth. After years of loneliness Pannub decided to do something about his problem and flew to Leia's planet, which everyone knows was well known for their excellent orthodontis...
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Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...
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Why Jesus doesn't come back

An extraterrestrial landed his flying saucer in a man's back yard. The man came out and the two started talking. Eventually, the man asked the extraterrestrial if they knew about Jesus on his planet.


"Oh, yes," said the alien. "We know Jesus very well. In fact, he visits our world e...
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip

After a hearty meal and a good bottle of wine, they lay down to sleep.
Suddenly, in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes his trusted companion and asks "Watson, what do you see?" Rubbing his sleepy eyes, Watson answers: "I see millions and millions of stars."
"Correct, Watson, and what do...
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There are two types of people on the planet...

Those who can extrapolate information based upon the given context
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A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...
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Why can't Superman attend the Daily Planet meeting?

Because Clark Can't.
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Did you guys know tomorrow they’ll only be 7 planets left?

Because tonight I’m destroying Uranus!

Earth is the most dangerous planet

100% of humans die there
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We should start calling the planet "unborn baby"

maybe then republicans would want to save it.
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What do you call an undiscovered planet?

I don’t know... It doesn’t have a name yet.
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Did you boys ever hear of the planet where the inhabitants were mobile flowers?

Remarkably similar to Earthly blossoms, but they had feet and human intelligence.

The whole planet was ruled by a king called Richard the Artichoke-Heart, and one day at a court orgy his eye was caught by Fuchsia, a pale-eyed perennial. Her beauty was so great it almost made up for her stupi...
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My folks went to a planet where there was five-fold radial symmetry

And all they brought me was this lousy \*-shirt.
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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

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The scientific community has finally agreed to rename the planet Uranus

to Urmama

What do you call an orgy between planets?

The Big Bang.
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What planet stinks?

Ur anus

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...
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What did the meteor say to the planet?

Lemme smash
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Why is milk the fastest liquid on the Planet?

It’s PASTEURISED before you even see it!
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An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.

Alien Scout: “Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.”

Alien Commander: “This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?”

Alien Scout: “Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.”
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We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons

If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.
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In one far away planet...

There is a substance called ‘nue’. Once something falls in it, it can’t get out and will sink and suffocate. There was once a woman who owned a cat, and one day she insulted someone- but she didn’t know they were a super villain. So, the villain, being a villain, took her to his secret base, stole h...
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How do planets staying busy during hunting season?

By shooting stars
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How does NASA identify dead planets?

They look through the orbituaries.
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Somebody asked me to sign his petition to save the planet

It was to reinstate Pluto.
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What do you call someone who is crazy about protecting the planet?

Enviro Mental.
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So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.

Pope: "Do you know Jesus?"

Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year."


Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millennia and we're still waiting for his second coming."

Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate."

Pope: "Chocolate?"

A...
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The worst joke on the planet.

I bought a playstation 4.

The Xbox 1 X broke it.

SO I called the ambulance

The sound it made was

***WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U***
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Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.

It's a Thor subject for them.
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In the 80's we used to think in 2020 we'll have flying cars cities on other planets, blah blah blah....

But No! Here we are, teaching people how to wash hands !!!
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There's only 7 planets left now.

Ever since that guy totally destroyed Uranus.

What is the most relaxing planet?

Naptune
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Why is a planet that is earthquake-free so awesome?

Because it’s crack-a-lackin’
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David Attenborough (Planet Earth Narrator) went to church

He wished to observe the predators up close in their natural habitat.
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What would Hitler call a gas planet, if he found one?

JewPiter.

Why is pluto (1185km) not a planet...

but Bruno Mars (1.65m) is a star?
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What planet follows Jesus ?

The Jew Peter

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why are men the best looking on the planet?

you can't spell ´sexy´ without XY

Earth is the best planet...

The mere rotation of it makes my day!
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Why was the astronomer so good at finding new planets?

He was out standing in his field
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What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?

I come in pieces.
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How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?

He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY
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Saturn is a really catchy name for a planet.

It has a ring to it.
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NASA discovers 10 earth like planets.

Within a month of Trump taking office, NASA has discovered 10 earth like planets...


They say necessity is the mother of invention !!
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Saturn is the worst planet ever.

Whenever it takes a bath, it always leaves a ring.
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I asked my German friend how many planets in our Solar System

Surprisingly he said "Nine"
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There's only gonna be seven planets in the sky tonight!

"Why? There's eight planets." She said with a look that only someone truly offended can give you. Our hero and Random Girl #24 talked for hours about space, planets, and stars until they both were well aquatinted with one another. She was leaning on his shoulder and then asked again, "why'd you say ...

I called Serena Williams. I said, “Serena, what’s your favorite planet?”

She said, “It’s Venus.”

Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?
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I wanted to make a joke about the planet not being a globe but...

it fell flat
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Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle
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Call Captain Planet

The residents of a town are fed up with all of the pollution from factories, littering, and toxic waste.

Finally, a townsperson says, "We need Captain Planet!"

A moment later, a superhero looking dude shows up and says, "Did someone summon me?

The townspeople rejoice, an...
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The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

Yo mama so fat

She has a watch for every time zone she's in,
When she walks past the tv, you miss 8 seasons,
She beat galactus in a planet-eating contest,
Thanos couldn't snap her out of existence,
Flash died before he could do a lap around her
And she ate a black hole because she was hungry
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The science teacher asked Johnny, "What is your favorite planet, Johnny?"

"Hmm..." Johnny thought, as the classmates started to laugh.

"Please don't say it," the teacher sighed.

"I was gonna say Mars," said Johnny "but Uranus looks good too!"

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Why is Uranus classified as a planet

and not as a Black Hole?

Why do all planets want to date black holes?

Because they're so attractive!
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Aliens are coming to take everyone with big dicks back to their home planet.

I just wanted to say goodbye.

“Hey man do you want to watch Planet of the Apes?”

“Seen it.”



“Ok how about *The Shining*?”




“Watched it.”




“Ok how about *Reposts*?”





“Reddit.”
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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

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As of this year, there are no virgins left on this planet

2020 has fucked us all.

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