What did Earth say to the other planets?

Wow you guys have no life.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees ...

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If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

Earth is the most dangerous planet

100% of humans die there

What’s hitlers least favorite planet?

Jew-piter.

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Why are the planets scared of Jupiter?

Jupiter Saturn Uranus.

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

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What planet stinks?

Ur anus

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Are you ready to have only 7 planets left?

Because im about to destroy Uranus.

Why did Mickey Mouse name his dog Pluto?

Because he's not a planet.

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People all over the planet have started ejaculating mysteriously.

What is this world coming to?

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How come all the other planets are named after cool stuff like gods?

Meanwhile, Earth is named after that dirty shit on the ground.

A space mission sent from Earth had landed on a distant planet.

The purpose of the mission was to meet with another intelligent species who called themselves "ishen".

Another such mission had taken place a year before, and Michael Chapman, the leader of the mission, had decided to stay on the planet with the ishen to learn their ways.

The ishen pri...

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A 3rd grader was giving a presentation on the planets. He got stumped and whispered to his Dad 'What's this one?' Father says 'Uranus.'

The kid looks proudly to the class and says 'This is my anus.'

There are 10 types of people on this planet..

Those who understand binary amd those who don't.

Why haven’t aliens gone to our planet yet

They saw it had one star

"If I had to compare you're body with a planet, I would pick Earth."

-Daniel Shenton, head of the Flat Earth Society

The worst joke on the planet.

I bought a playstation 4.

The Xbox 1 X broke it.

SO I called the ambulance

The sound it made was

***WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U***

Dolphins are the second most intelligent creatures on the planet second only to man

Pushing down women to third

We all can do better to help save the planet

With this in mind, i’ve just published a book on preserving the rainforest, and what we can do as a human race to help protect it.

Its over 2000 pages long.

C3PO, Luke Skywalker, and Han Solo are taken prisoner on an alien planet

The Millennium Falcon had to make an emergency stop on an uncharted planet. The trio is greeted by a hostile alien race and placed in a horrendous prison.

After some time they are taken in the night to some kind of tribunal where they are told that all outsiders are regarded as evil demons an...

How do we know that the planet Mars has an active reddit account?

Because it has no life.

I met a tiny, alien robot that looked like a small bug. He told me his friends escaped their home planet, and found a home here. He was confident that his race would be OK.

He was Optimus Tick

TIL that with every breath I take, about 4 people on this planet die.

I wonder if I should try a different toothpaste.

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Aliens may in fact be pro bono proctologists from another planet

Uranus , possibly

Kirk and Spock were trapped on a planet and were waiting for rescue.

Kirk complained to Spock that his legs were getting tired from just standing around.

Spock said "there's a tree right there let's cut it down with our phasers and make a bench."

"You're a genius!" Exclaimed Kirk.

"Nonsense" replied Spock "it's only log-ical"

Why are sheep the most unimpressed species on the planet?

Because all they ever say is “meeeeeh”.

Saturn is a really catchy name for a planet.

It has a ring to it.

I called Serena Williams. I said, “Serena, what’s your favorite planet?”

She said, “It’s Venus.”

Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?

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A new planet has emerged in the solar system and he happens to be male

He soon finds that all of the other planets except for Uranus are also male. As the only female in the solar system, he assumes all the other planets will be flocking to her. Instead, they are all just floating and not doing anything.
The new planet asks Mars, “Why aren’t you guys all over Uranu...

All 8 planets are singing Happy Birthday to the Sun and it sounds terrible.

Everyone turns to Earth and Earth says, "don't look at me, I'm not flat"

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

Why can’t astrologers find humor in the movements of stars and planets?

The real joke is in the comets

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Two planets are talking

A: "You look like shit, what happened?"
B: "Don't even ask..I have humans..."
A: "Oh, I've had that too, but don't worry, it will go away by itself"

It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

When God integrated Planet Earth, he thankfully recalled his Calculus lesson.

He remembered to add the sea.

What’s the fastest liquid on the planet?

Milk. Because it’s pasteurized before you see it.

What do planets say in winter?

We're freezing our axis of.

How does NASA identify dead planets?

They look through the orbituaries.

We finally get a robot onto an alien planet and the first thing we do is roll over an adorable little fuzzball. Its true.

Curiosity killed the cat.

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I hate my job.

My job is so fucking unbelievable.

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. Sh...

So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.

Pope: "Do you know Jesus?"

Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year."


Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millennia and we're still waiting for his second coming."

Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate."

Pope: "Chocolate?"

A...

In the 2001 film "The Planet of the Apes" David Warner plays a primate named Senator Sandar

which means the whole planet is probably a Banana Republic

A new life form is discovered on a nearby planet

It's a huge humanoid figure, almost 200 feet tall while seated. It's just sitting there. The rise and fall of the creature's chest is evident, but it doesn't seem to do anything else.

Scientists come from all over to investigate this strange being. They become more and more frustrated at...

Scientists have discovered a planet populated entirely by robots.

They call it Mars.

In space, two aliens are talking to each other

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

What was the money called on Superman’s home planet?

Kryptoncurrency

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BREAKING NEWS : URANUS IS NOT A PLANET

..... you're sitting on it.

We should start calling the planet "unborn baby"

maybe then republicans would want to save it.

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Why is Uranus classified as a planet

and not as a Black Hole?

So aliens flew by our planet recently and one asked the other...

Alien 1 How advanced is that civilization?

Alien 2 They have discovered nuclear technology.

Alien 1 Oh boy... That's pretty intelligent. We better keep our distance then from their missles.

Alien 2 Nah, they're not that smart yet. They have em pointed at themselves.

As more resources for our planet are needed...

... A 4 years mission in space is planed by world leaders but there are no candidates who want to be away for so long. In an attempt to find 3 candidates deals are to be made.
An American steps up and the only thing he needs are hamburgers for all 4 years. World leaders accept.
A French man r...

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If there is earth on planet Earth, why aren't there Jews on Jupiter?

Because it's a gas planet.

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Oldest man on Earth

A journalist wanting to make his debut, searched far and wide for the oldest man on the planet thinking that his stories will amaze the world.

After months of traveling from large cities to temples he finally finds out that the oldest man on Earth is 150 years old and lives in a small mounta...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said, "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson repl...

Earth is the best planet...

The mere rotation of it makes my day!

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What do the other Daleks on planet Skaro say?

Teacher Dalek - "EDUCATE! EDUCATE!"

Student Dalek - "PROCRASTINATE! PROCRASTINATE!"

Horny Dalek - "PROCREATE! PROCREATE!"

Bored Dalek - "MASTURBATE! MASTURBATE!"

Bee Dalek - "POLLINATE! POLLINATE!"

In-love Dalek - "INFATUATE! INFATUATE!"

Actor Dalek - "IMPE...

A planet is a celestial body that is in orbit around a star, has sufficient gravity to make itself round and has cleared the neighbourhood around its orbit.

That’s why Pluto isn't a planet but your mum is.

What is a planet's favorite type of gum?

Orbit

There are two types of people on the planet...

Those who can extrapolate information based upon the given context

What's the difference between the planet Earth and a soldier in the trenches?

One's got gas emission, the other has a gassy mission.

Watching Planet Earth, a bioluminescent fungus appeared on screen.

A bug started crawling over it, but didn't really eat anything.

My friend: "Guess he wasn't hungry."

Me: "Yeah, he just wanted a light snack."

An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.

Alien Scout: “Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.”

Alien Commander: “This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?”

Alien Scout: “Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.”

/r/Jokes/ wins Friend of the Planet award!

for 95% recycled content.

NASA discovers 10 earth like planets.

Within a month of Trump taking office, NASA has discovered 10 earth like planets...


They say necessity is the mother of invention !!

If Earth is the third planet from Sun after Mercury and Venus

Doesn't that make every country a third world country?

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awakens and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

​

Watson replies, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

&...

"What time is the planet supposed to be ending tonight?"

I don't know but knowing my luck, it won't

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My boyfriend asked me how many planets are in our solar system.

And I said. "Eight"
And he said, "Nope, only 7, after I destroy Uranus tonight."

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Liberals think that Trump doesn't like the planet

well then why's he trying to fuck it?

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‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’

“Now that’s an old one.” The chicken smiled to himself as he looked across the barren road in front of him, the age old question repeating itself in his mind.

On one side, the chicken stood. The other, a lone bar in the middle of nowhere. And yet, at some point, it was once the most bustling ...

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I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet

because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors' coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place: Mitch's Pizzeria -- this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza.'

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What planet smells the worst?

Poopiter.

This joke courtesy of my 7 year old son. He was very proud of it.

Alien overlords are discussing the fate of Earth citizens.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

Call Captain Planet

The residents of a town are fed up with all of the pollution from factories, littering, and toxic waste.

Finally, a townsperson says, "We need Captain Planet!"

A moment later, a superhero looking dude shows up and says, "Did someone summon me?

The townspeople rejoice, an...

Jesus sees that planet earth is going to Hell in a hand basket because too many people are using something called drugs...

He wishes to know about this, so he calls His Apostles and tells them that they all have to go down to Earth to see for themselves what is going on and then come back to Heaven and report back to Him.

The Apostles go to different places on Earth and after some time, they come back to report w...