UPJOKE
jupiterplutosolar systemstarsatelliteearthmarsasteroidasteroid beltorbitcometmercuryneptunevenussaturn

Q: What's a space pirate's favorite planet?

A: mArrrs!

Why haven’t aliens visited our planet yet?

They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!

Earth day joke: is the planet round or flat?

Neither, it is screwed.

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

Which planet appears largest in a telescope?

Earth

Did you know that Chewbacca's brother Pannubacca died when Princess Leia's home planet was destroyed?

Pannub, as his friends called him, had never had much luck with the ladies and was horribly shy due to his terribly crooked teeth. After years of loneliness Pannub decided to do something about his problem and flew to Leia's planet, which everyone knows was well known for their excellent orthodontis...

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Did you guys know tomorrow they’ll only be 7 planets left?

Because tonight I’m destroying Uranus!

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If I could have sex with any person on the planet

I would

One alien says to another, “The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”

The second alien replies, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”

The first alien says, “I don’t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.”

Planet Vegeta should've never been destroyed

I'm just Saiyan

Did you hear about the candy vehicles from another planet?

They were Mars Bars Mars Cars

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The 7th planet should be a moon

Because it's Uranus.

(This is an unprovoked joke from my 7 year daughter who is drawing pictures of planets in her coloring book. I thought its was clever)

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Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...

US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender r...

The Lawyer

Satan appears before a lawyer and says, "I will make a deal with you. You will become the most successful attorney who has ever lived. You will be rich beyond imagination, and known to everyone on the planet. You will be appointed to the Supreme Court, and your rulings will be read and studied for d...

The first planet to win a Nobel Prize?

Marie Curie

My folks went to a planet where there was five-fold radial symmetry

And all they brought me was this lousy \*-shirt.

Did you boys ever hear of the planet where the inhabitants were mobile flowers?

Remarkably similar to Earthly blossoms, but they had feet and human intelligence.

The whole planet was ruled by a king called Richard the Artichoke-Heart, and one day at a court orgy his eye was caught by Fuchsia, a pale-eyed perennial. Her beauty was so great it almost made up for her stupi...

Aliens finally visit Earth.

They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"
...

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Two planets meet on the milky way.

One says: You look much better. Did you find something against your homo sapiens?
The other answers: My doctor is still experimenting with viruses. But it seems to get better.

Our planet successfully played most notes on the piano.

But it couldn't B flat.

In the 80's we used to think in 2020 we'll have flying cars cities on other planets, blah blah blah....

But No! Here we are, teaching people how to wash hands !!!

The planet earth can't possibly be flat.

If it was cats would have pushed everything not nailed down off the edge.

There must be another planet somewhere with worms.

Otherwise why would we call ours “Earth” worms

3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humanity

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

I find Miss Universe contest very suspicious

How come, every single year some one from our planet wins?

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you got...

We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons

If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.

There are 2 types of people on this planet

Those who can extrapolate omitted data using existing data.

Scientists have determined that the Earth has a resonant frequency

The planet resonates at a low B note. However if you were flying away in a space ship the frequency would drop due to the doppler effect, and the Earth would B flat.

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

Why are hyenas the healthiest animals on the planet?

Because laughter is the best medicine.

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The scientific community has finally agreed to rename the planet Uranus

to Urmama

What kind of music do planets like?

Neptunes.

Aliens invade the planet

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it's a f...

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If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

Aliens arrive on earth

And all political and religious leaders line up to meet with them.

Finally it's the Pope's turn, and he asks them about Jesus.

P: "So have you heard about Jesus?"

A: "Yeah! Nice guy, comes to visit every year!"

The Pope is puzzled by this, and he replies "that's weird, ...

What did earth tell the other planets?

Get a life!

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There are seven planets now...

Pluto got demoted and I destroyed ur-anus last night.

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

Kirk and Spock are on a first contact mission.

The planet's natives serenade them with drumbeats upon hollowed-out tree trunks.

"Mister Spock, it sounds like the notes follow an exponential progression."

"Logical, Captain, when one uses log rhythms."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"...

How does NASA plan a party?

They planet

Isn’t it crazy every planet is named after a Greek God except for earth?

It’s just named after that stuff on the ground.




(Norm MacDonald)

Earth is the third planet from the sun.

By this logic, all countries are third world countries

What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?

I come in pieces.

What do you call someone who is crazy about protecting the planet?

Enviro Mental.

Two Aliens come to our Planet

They are greeted by armed forces. They inform us that our inferior weapons don't stand a chance against them. The only way they will let us go is if we can make them laugh. However, they have seen all jokes there are on the internet and only a new original joke will work on them. Humanity gathers th...

Why can't Superman attend the Daily Planet meeting?

Because Clark Can't.

Somebody asked me to sign his petition to save the planet

It was to reinstate Pluto.

Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.

It's a Thor subject for them.

(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars?

Na-BOO!

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

Exciting news from the James Webb Telescope...

They have detected a new planet that is almost the size of one of Zelensky's balls

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

One crisp, clear fall day Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After a meal by the campfire followed by a serviceable bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Dr. Watson shakes his friend awake.

"Sherlock, look up at the ...

I asked my German friend how many planets in our Solar System

Surprisingly he said "Nine"

I wanted to make a joke about the planet not being a globe but...

it fell flat

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People all over the planet have started ejaculating mysteriously.

What is this world coming to?

They say one out of every 5 people on the planet is Chinese.

The thing is, there’s 5 people in my family. On of us must be Chinese.
I know it can’t be me. I’m pretty sure it’s not my mon or dad.
That leaves my brothers: Shawn, and Zhang Wei.

Whispers: *I think it’s Shawn...*

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On October 31st, we will have a full moon, and the 7th planet from the sun will be its brightest...

So when someone sees the moon that day, they will likely see Uranus too...

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The aliens studying Earth hold a conference. The keynote speaker stands, and after welcoming the attendees and the usual pleasantries, he begins, "Ladies and gentlebeings, for seventy of its years, we have studied this planet...

"As you know, our primary research method is to abduct a local sapient and probe its rectum. After these many years, and thousands or millions of rectal probes, we have definitively learned exactly one thing.

"One in six of them likes it."

Why was the astronomer so good at finding new planets?

He was out standing in his field

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There's only 7 planets left now.

Ever since that guy totally destroyed Uranus.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees ...

Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar..

But they didn't planet...

What do you call an orgy between planets?

The Big Bang.

What did the meteor say to the planet?

Lemme smash

Why is a planet that is earthquake-free so awesome?

Because it’s crack-a-lackin’

A serpent guard, a Horus guard, and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment.

The serpent guard’s eyes glow. The Horus guard’s beak glistens. The Setesh guard’s nose drips.

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Aliens are coming to take everyone with big dicks back to their home planet.

I just wanted to say goodbye.

How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?

He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY

There was an astronaut who landed on an alien planet inhabited by several beautiful women.

When he climbed out of his spaceship, he was approached by the women, who were all some 20 feet taller. One came up to him and asked, ‘I suppose you want to see the leader?’ The astronaut looked up at her, and replied:

“’Take me to your ladder. I’ll see your leader later.’”

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There's only gonna be seven planets in the sky tonight!

"Why? There's eight planets." She said with a look that only someone truly offended can give you. Our hero and Random Girl #24 talked for hours about space, planets, and stars until they both were well aquatinted with one another. She was leaning on his shoulder and then asked again, "why'd you say ...

Many of my friends worry about little piles of rocks they have stashed all over the planet, but not me...

...I don't have a cairn in the world.

What do you call an undiscovered planet?

I don’t know... It doesn’t have a name yet.

The boy who would become the anti-Christ has already been born in our planet...

Fortunately, his mom was an anti-vaxxer and died at the age of 6 from the measles.

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

Everyone knows about Darth Vader, but very few people talk about his wife.

Ella wasn’t great at conquering planets but she did make it easier to navigate the Death Star.

Three Brigadier Generals of the Army were sitting together and having drinks..

After a few rounds they start talking about their achievements in their respective careers. The topic somehow gets to who among the three Generals has the most fearless soldiers.

The first General says "My soldiers are very fearless, whatever I tell them to do they will do it without a second...

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What would Hitler call a gas planet, if he found one?

JewPiter.

How do planets staying busy during hunting season?

By shooting stars

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Why are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson so excited for space?

They’ve fucked almost everyone on our planet and want one last shot at Uranus.

I don’t actually have a joke for you guys, but I do have a really awesome idea for cleaning up the trash on our planet! For one day, every single person in the country grabs a broom and cleans out every dirty corner they can find! It’s become quite popular across the country. You could say it’s...

...sweeping the nation

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What do you call a creature from another planet with an unknown number of breasts?

An alien N-titty.

Scientists have discovered a planet populated entirely by robots.

They call it Mars.

David Attenborough (Planet Earth Narrator) went to church

He wished to observe the predators up close in their natural habitat.

There’s one thing that if every human did could save our planet...

commit suicide.

Why do Reddit astrologers not try to divine humor from the movement of planets?

Because the real joke is in the comets!

After many years of fighting crime as batman

Bruce Wayne finally got married and had a son. His son turned out to be brilliant at investing, especially in bitcoin, making Wayne Enterprises one of the biggest companies on the planet.

All this time, Bruce had been training him, and when the time was right, Bruce introduced his son to the ...

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

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What’s hitlers least favorite planet?

Jew-piter.

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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

Why is pluto (1185km) not a planet...

but Bruno Mars (1.65m) is a star?

Why do all planets want to date black holes?

Because they're so attractive!

A man goes to a kennel hoping to adopt two dogs

The employee there shows him two powerful looking dogs and one small, cute dog.


The man asks if it’s possible to have one powerful dog and the cute dog.


‘Unfortunately,’ says the employee, ‘the two powerful dogs are twins, so they can’t be separated. As they are completely i...

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If there is earth on planet Earth, why aren't there Jews on Jupiter?

Because it's a gas planet.

What would you call Captain Planet if he fought ghosts instead of eco-terrorists?

Captain Planchette.

So aliens flew by our planet recently and one asked the other...

Alien 1 How advanced is that civilization?

Alien 2 They have discovered nuclear technology.

Alien 1 Oh boy... That's pretty intelligent. We better keep our distance then from their missles.

Alien 2 Nah, they're not that smart yet. They have em pointed at themselves.

It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

I called Serena Williams. I said, “Serena, what’s your favorite planet?”

She said, “It’s Venus.”

Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?

/r/Jokes/ wins Friend of the Planet award!

for 95% recycled content.

What is the most relaxing planet?

Naptune

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

There was once a horse with the most illustrious and flowing mane on the planet

Maybe she was barn with it, or maybe it's neighbelline.

Why won't Pluto throw a birthday party?

It can't even planet

We should start calling the planet "unborn baby"

maybe then republicans would want to save it.

A Republican and a Democrat found a magic lamp

The genie said "I will grant one wish per person". The Republican immediately jumped forward and said "I wish all Republicans and conservatives had their own planet, separate from all these libs." The genie nodded and the Republican vanished. The Democrat then asked "Are they all on their own planet...

Steve jobs and Bill Gates colonize Mars. What do they call the planet?

Planet of the Apps.

Switzerland is arguably one of the best countries on the planet

The Alps are pretty cool, and the flag is a big plus.

My friend is the most average person on the planet yet he loves to go around judging and criticising other people

He's really mean

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Sirius B is moving towards us at 10 km per second at may get the latin name "tribulatio" ( trouble ) and may hit an outer the outer planet Uranus one day.

We have Sirius trouble in Uranus

An alien’s report to finding a planet with 7.5 billion dead.

“They’re all dead but their assess are spotless, sir.”

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

What are the three funkiest elements on the planet?

Earth, wind & fire.

Saturn is a really catchy name for a planet.

It has a ring to it.

There are two types of people on the planet...

Those who can extrapolate information based upon the given context

Why is milk the fastest liquid on the Planet?

It’s PASTEURISED before you even see it!

In one far away planet...

There is a substance called ‘nue’. Once something falls in it, it can’t get out and will sink and suffocate. There was once a woman who owned a cat, and one day she insulted someone- but she didn’t know they were a super villain. So, the villain, being a villain, took her to his secret base, stole h...

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What planet stinks?

Ur anus

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