This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys know tomorrow they’ll only be 7 planets left?

Because tonight I’m destroying Uranus!

Q: What's a space pirate's favorite planet?

A: mArrrs!

One alien says to another, “The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”

The second alien replies, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”

The first alien says, “I don’t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.”

Did you boys ever hear of the planet where the inhabitants were mobile flowers?

Remarkably similar to Earthly blossoms, but they had feet and human intelligence.

The whole planet was ruled by a king called Richard the Artichoke-Heart, and one day at a court orgy his eye was caught by Fuchsia, a pale-eyed perennial. Her beauty was so great it almost made up for her stupi...

Our planet successfully played most notes on the piano.

But it couldn't B flat.

We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons

If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.

There must be another planet somewhere with worms.

Otherwise why would we call ours “Earth” worms

Why are hyenas the healthiest animals on the planet?

Because laughter is the best medicine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The scientific community has finally agreed to rename the planet Uranus

to Urmama

In the 80's we used to think in 2020 we'll have flying cars cities on other planets, blah blah blah....

But No! Here we are, teaching people how to wash hands !!!

What did earth tell the other planets?

Get a life!

There are 2 types of people on this planet

Those who can extrapolate omitted data using existing data.

The Second Coming

Aliens arrive on Earth. Delegations from different countries, religious leaders gather around and ask the newcomers about their lives.
When the Pope's turn comes, he asks: "Do you know about the Savior and our Lord our God, Jesus Christ?"
"Ah, Jesus," the alien replies. "Of course we know him....

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There are seven planets now...

Pluto got demoted and I destroyed ur-anus last night.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "...

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

After many years of fighting crime as batman

Bruce Wayne finally got married and had a son. His son turned out to be brilliant at investing, especially in bitcoin, making Wayne Enterprises one of the biggest companies on the planet.

All this time, Bruce had been training him, and when the time was right, Bruce introduced his son to the ...

What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?

I come in pieces.

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Why are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson so excited for space?

They’ve fucked almost everyone on our planet and want one last shot at Uranus.

What do you call someone who is crazy about protecting the planet?

Enviro Mental.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

What kind of music do planets like?

Neptunes.

The planet earth can't possibly be flat.

If it was cats would have pushed everything not nailed down off the edge.

Aliens invade the planet

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it's a f...

(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars?

Na-BOO!

Three Brigadier Generals of the Army were sitting together and having drinks..

After a few rounds they start talking about their achievements in their respective careers. The topic somehow gets to who among the three Generals has the most fearless soldiers.

The first General says "My soldiers are very fearless, whatever I tell them to do they will do it without a second...

Why won't Pluto throw a birthday party?

It can't even planet

Isn’t it crazy every planet is named after a Greek God except for earth?

It’s just named after that stuff on the ground.




(Norm MacDonald)

Wild Life

A bear, a lion and a bat meet up. The bear says, "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear." The lion says, "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire savannah is afraid of me."

"Big deal!'' says the bat. "All I have to do is cough, an...

Elon Musk's right when he says aliens may be living among us.

That explains why some people keep making rockets and trying to leave the planet.

Everyone knows about Darth Vader, but very few people talk about his wife.

Ella wasn’t great at conquering planets but she did make it easier to navigate the Death Star.

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar..

But they didn't planet...

Why can't Superman attend the Daily Planet meeting?

Because Clark Can't.

Somebody asked me to sign his petition to save the planet

It was to reinstate Pluto.

Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.

It's a Thor subject for them.

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If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

I went to an event in space. It was bogus

Guess they didn’t planet well.

Earth is the third planet from the sun.

By this logic, all countries are third world countries

I asked my German friend how many planets in our Solar System

Surprisingly he said "Nine"

Sentient meat

2 Aliens meeting on their starship after a scan of the solar system:

Are there any lifeforms in that solar system

Well it's difficult to really explain

What do you mean

They're made out of meat.

Meat?

Meat. They're made out of meat.

Meat?

There...

Today I pulled a key off my keyboard [long]

Today I pulled one of the CTRL keys from my keyboard and was shocked to find myself looking down at the entire universe: stars planets, black holes, the whole thing was right there beneath my keyboard.

I was so shocked I called a friend in to show her. After five minutes of gazing into total...

I wanted to make a joke about the planet not being a globe but...

it fell flat

Two Aliens come to our Planet

They are greeted by armed forces. They inform us that our inferior weapons don't stand a chance against them. The only way they will let us go is if we can make them laugh. However, they have seen all jokes there are on the internet and only a new original joke will work on them. Humanity gathers th...

They say one out of every 5 people on the planet is Chinese.

The thing is, there’s 5 people in my family. On of us must be Chinese.
I know it can’t be me. I’m pretty sure it’s not my mon or dad.
That leaves my brothers: Shawn, and Zhang Wei.

Whispers: *I think it’s Shawn...*

Why was the astronomer so good at finding new planets?

He was out standing in his field

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's only 7 planets left now.

Ever since that guy totally destroyed Uranus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On October 31st, we will have a full moon, and the 7th planet from the sun will be its brightest...

So when someone sees the moon that day, they will likely see Uranus too...

There was an astronaut who landed on an alien planet inhabited by several beautiful women.

When he climbed out of his spaceship, he was approached by the women, who were all some 20 feet taller. One came up to him and asked, ‘I suppose you want to see the leader?’ The astronaut looked up at her, and replied:

“’Take me to your ladder. I’ll see your leader later.’”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The aliens studying Earth hold a conference. The keynote speaker stands, and after welcoming the attendees and the usual pleasantries, he begins, "Ladies and gentlebeings, for seventy of its years, we have studied this planet...

"As you know, our primary research method is to abduct a local sapient and probe its rectum. After these many years, and thousands or millions of rectal probes, we have definitively learned exactly one thing.

"One in six of them likes it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's only gonna be seven planets in the sky tonight!

"Why? There's eight planets." She said with a look that only someone truly offended can give you. Our hero and Random Girl #24 talked for hours about space, planets, and stars until they both were well aquatinted with one another. She was leaning on his shoulder and then asked again, "why'd you say ...

What do you call an orgy between planets?

The Big Bang.

What did the meteor say to the planet?

Lemme smash

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys reach the gates of Heaven together

God comes to meet them and asks them how they want to spend their first night in Heaven. The first guy breaks down crying, tells God how much he missed his wife after she passed while he was still on Earth, how she's the most beautiful woman on the planet and her kindness and patience made her a pe...

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them if they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agrees.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into the...

Many of my friends worry about little piles of rocks they have stashed all over the planet, but not me...

...I don't have a cairn in the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

Studying the nature of Mars

A NASA scientist walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's work going?" the bartender asks. "It's frustrating. We've been studying the planet Mars and trying to figure out how it went from having a warm and wet habitat to a cold and dry one," the scientist says. "So far, we don't have an answ...

There was this musician in North Korea

One day, he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself, to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the humble auditorium. The man, not wanting to displease the great leader, did as asked.

The big night arrived, with the musicians stood at the fro...

How do planets staying busy during hunting season?

By shooting stars

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People all over the planet have started ejaculating mysteriously.

What is this world coming to?

A serpent guard, a Horus guard, and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment.

The serpent guard’s eyes glow. The Horus guard’s beak glistens. The Setesh guard’s nose drips.

The pandemic comes, and the country is in lockdown.

The coronavirus is killing tens of thousands.

Early on, a scientist says ***"Keep your distance and wash your hands regularly."***

The fellow shouted back, ***"No, it's OK - I don't need to keep distance, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."***

The pandemic rages on. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Aliens are coming to take everyone with big dicks back to their home planet.

I just wanted to say goodbye.

Why is a planet that is earthquake-free so awesome?

Because it’s crack-a-lackin’

A Republican and a Democrat found a magic lamp

The genie said "I will grant one wish per person". The Republican immediately jumped forward and said "I wish all Republicans and conservatives had their own planet, separate from all these libs." The genie nodded and the Republican vanished. The Democrat then asked "Are they all on their own planet...

Scientists recently discovered that there's no such thing as gravity...

This planet just sucks.

The boy who would become the anti-Christ has already been born in our planet...

Fortunately, his mom was an anti-vaxxer and died at the age of 6 from the measles.

Sherlock and Watson go camping After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"



Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, I can deduce by the number of them that the universe must be incredibly vast, and contain billions of stars. Likely...

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Sherlock Holmes Looks at the Night Sky

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky. Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, "Watson, what do you see?"


"Stars and the moon, dear Holmes," he says.


"What does it mean?" Sherlock asks.


"Well," says Watson. "It ...

What do you call an undiscovered planet?

I don’t know... It doesn’t have a name yet.

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

Why do Reddit astrologers not try to divine humor from the movement of planets?

Because the real joke is in the comets!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

I don’t actually have a joke for you guys, but I do have a really awesome idea for cleaning up the trash on our planet! For one day, every single person in the country grabs a broom and cleans out every dirty corner they can find! It’s become quite popular across the country. You could say it’s...

...sweeping the nation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a creature from another planet with an unknown number of breasts?

An alien N-titty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The science teacher asked Johnny, "What is your favorite planet, Johnny?"

"Hmm..." Johnny thought, as the classmates started to laugh.

"Please don't say it," the teacher sighed.

"I was gonna say Mars," said Johnny "but Uranus looks good too!"

Why is pluto (1185km) not a planet...

but Bruno Mars (1.65m) is a star?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would Hitler call a gas planet, if he found one?

JewPiter.

What do vegan black holes say?

"I'm on a strictly planet based diet"

Aliens decide to finally visit Earth…

They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.

When it's the Pope's turn, he asks "Do you know about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?"
...

Why do all planets want to date black holes?

Because they're so attractive!

Two aliens are talking about a desolate planet Earth...

The first alien asks : " How did all the humans die?"

The second alien says : "They used so much toilet paper they wiped themselves out."

The Alien Visitors

The Alien space craft landed and was met by dignitaries from all nations.

The Ambassador from another galaxy approached the podium and began his speech. He had an odd western accent to his voice as he said. "Humans of earth ; we have been monitoring your transmissions for some time, and some ...

What would you call Captain Planet if he fought ghosts instead of eco-terrorists?

Captain Planchette.

David Attenborough (Planet Earth Narrator) went to church

He wished to observe the predators up close in their natural habitat.

What is Earth's favorite pastime?

Making fun of other planets for having no life.

I hope Planet Fitness really is a judgement free zone

Gonna be taking my dumps there for the next couple weeks.

Scientists have discovered a planet populated entirely by robots.

They call it Mars.

A politician finds a magic lamp, rubs it and a genie pops out.

The genie says “I shall grant you any wish you ask, on the condition that when I ask, you set me free and when I ask you acknowledge my part in your wish.”

The politician agrees and after much consideration, he wishes that his lies and exaggerations would come true.

He holds a press c...

Three "facts" school taught me that turned out to be false

1. Pluto is a planet
2. You won't always have a calculator in your pocket
3. Girls don't like having their hair pulled

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s hitlers least favorite planet?

Jew-piter.

An alien’s report to finding a planet with 7.5 billion dead.

“They’re all dead but their assess are spotless, sir.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As of this year, there are no virgins left on this planet

2020 has fucked us all.

What is the most relaxing planet?

Naptune

My friend is the most average person on the planet yet he loves to go around judging and criticising other people

He's really mean

Switzerland is arguably one of the best countries on the planet

The Alps are pretty cool, and the flag is a big plus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sirius B is moving towards us at 10 km per second at may get the latin name "tribulatio" ( trouble ) and may hit an outer the outer planet Uranus one day.

We have Sirius trouble in Uranus

It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

There was once a horse with the most illustrious and flowing mane on the planet

Maybe she was barn with it, or maybe it's neighbelline.

/r/Jokes/ wins Friend of the Planet award!

for 95% recycled content.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If there is earth on planet Earth, why aren't there Jews on Jupiter?

Because it's a gas planet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet

Despite hours of brainstorms and workshops, the man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet.

“New Terra is the sensible choice”, said the man, exasperated.

“Don’t give me that more-evolved-than-thou horse-shit”, said the horse, “why don’t you let a non-dominant life...

So aliens flew by our planet recently and one asked the other...

Alien 1 How advanced is that civilization?

Alien 2 They have discovered nuclear technology.

Alien 1 Oh boy... That's pretty intelligent. We better keep our distance then from their missles.

Alien 2 Nah, they're not that smart yet. They have em pointed at themselves.

I called Serena Williams. I said, “Serena, what’s your favorite planet?”

She said, “It’s Venus.”

Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s Hitlers’ favourite planet?

Jewpiter.

Want to know why?

Because it’s a gas planet.

Steve jobs and Bill Gates colonize Mars. What do they call the planet?

Planet of the Apps.

Did you Know that all the planets are named after Roman gods?

Except the Earth, the Earth is named after the stuff on the ground.

\-from a great source for stupid jokes the Norm McDonald Show.

“Hey man do you want to watch Planet of the Apes?”

“Seen it.”



“Ok how about *The Shining*?”




“Watched it.”




“Ok how about *Reposts*?”





“Reddit.”

In one far away planet...

There is a substance called ‘nue’. Once something falls in it, it can’t get out and will sink and suffocate. There was once a woman who owned a cat, and one day she insulted someone- but she didn’t know they were a super villain. So, the villain, being a villain, took her to his secret base, stole h...

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