An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

“Hey man do you want to watch Planet of the Apes?”

“Seen it.”



“Ok how about *The Shining*?”




“Watched it.”




“Ok how about *Reposts*?”





“Reddit.”

Propaganda: Soy agriculture is bad for the planet. Eat meat for protein not soy.

Fact: Around 70 percent of the world's soy is fed directly to livestock and only six percent of soy is turned into human food, which is mostly consumed in Asia.

What did the earth say to all the other planets?

Wow you guys have no life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are the planets scared of Jupiter?

Jupiter Saturn Uranus.

There was once a horse with the most illustrious and flowing mane on the planet

Maybe she was barn with it, or maybe it's neighbelline.

I dont see why we need to leave our planet in a better state for future generations

The current generation cant get out of middle school before dying off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

My folks went to a planet with no bilateral symmetry

And all they brought me was this lousy F-shirt.

A Serpent Guard, a Horus Guard and a Setesh Guard meet on a neutral planet.

It is a tense moment.

The Serpent Guard's eyes glow, the Horus Guard's beak glistens, the Setesh Guard's... nose drips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Our planet has no boobs or ass

Therefore, the Earth is flat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

David Attenborough (Planet Earth Narrator) went to church

He wished to observe the predators up close in their natural habitat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People all over the planet have started ejaculating mysteriously.

What is this world coming to?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.


The second orders half a beer.


"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.


"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.


The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."


"Oh c'mo...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

What happens when you win a lawsuit against Planet Fitness?

Heads explode because you've just won a judgement against the judgement free zone.

In one far away planet...

There is a substance called ‘nue’. Once something falls in it, it can’t get out and will sink and suffocate. There was once a woman who owned a cat, and one day she insulted someone- but she didn’t know they were a super villain. So, the villain, being a villain, took her to his secret base, stole h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard pornhub plant a tree for every 100 videos watched

I guess I’m gonna “single handedly” save the planet then

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would Hitler call a gas planet, if he found one?

JewPiter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

The biggest planet ever was found recently. The named it,

Urmum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s Hitlers’ favourite planet?

Jewpiter.

Want to know why?

Because it’s a gas planet.

How does NASA organise a party?

They planet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's...

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

A space mission sent from Earth had landed on a distant planet.

The purpose of the mission was to meet with another intelligent species who called themselves "ishen".

Another such mission had taken place a year before, and Michael Chapman, the leader of the mission, had decided to stay on the planet with the ishen to learn their ways.

The ishen pri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What planet follows Jesus ?

The Jew Peter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are you ready to have only 7 planets left?

Because im about to destroy Uranus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What planet stinks?

Ur anus

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

How do you organise a war between Earth and Mars?

Planet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year is 2100. Earth has been ravaged by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet's land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out.

All you can hear is cockroaches and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour.

I thought I had a good joke about space but...

I needed more time to planet.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what...

Why haven’t aliens gone to our planet yet

They saw it had one star

C3PO, Luke Skywalker, and Han Solo are taken prisoner on an alien planet

The Millennium Falcon had to make an emergency stop on an uncharted planet. The trio is greeted by a hostile alien race and placed in a horrendous prison.

After some time they are taken in the night to some kind of tribunal where they are told that all outsiders are regarded as evil demons an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How come all the other planets are named after cool stuff like gods?

Meanwhile, Earth is named after that dirty shit on the ground.

TIL that with every breath I take, about 4 people on this planet die.

I wonder if I should try a different toothpaste.

We all can do better to help save the planet

With this in mind, i’ve just published a book on preserving the rainforest, and what we can do as a human race to help protect it.

Its over 2000 pages long.

FREE Halloween costume idea:

Set yourself on fire and go as the planet.

A joke I will always love

In the distant future when interstellar space travel is common place, scientists are traveling through galaxies to find life on other planets. On one planter many light years away, they find a giant granite statue statue of a man in a squatting position. Upon close inspection they find this statue i...

The worst joke on the planet.

I bought a playstation 4.

The Xbox 1 X broke it.

SO I called the ambulance

The sound it made was

***WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U***

"If I had to compare you're body with a planet, I would pick Earth."

-Daniel Shenton, head of the Flat Earth Society

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 3rd grader was giving a presentation on the planets. He got stumped and whispered to his Dad 'What's this one?' Father says 'Uranus.'

The kid looks proudly to the class and says 'This is my anus.'

There are 10 types of people on this planet..

Those who understand binary amd those who don't.

So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.

Pope: "Do you know Jesus?"

Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year."


Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millennia and we're still waiting for his second coming."

Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate."

Pope: "Chocolate?"

A...

If you like Saturn so much

Then why don’t you become an astrophysicist and engineer, study it in depth, design new craft to fly there and examine the planet, write multiple research papers, give regular talks and become the worlds leading expert on Saturn.

What if the real reason aliens don't visit us is because...

...we're a one star planet?

My friend told me that America has 50 states I said no

Scientists found out that Pluto isn’t a planet so we got 49 dumbass

I met a tiny, alien robot that looked like a small bug. He told me his friends escaped their home planet, and found a home here. He was confident that his race would be OK.

He was Optimus Tick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Aliens may in fact be pro bono proctologists from another planet

Uranus , possibly

Why are sheep the most unimpressed species on the planet?

Because all they ever say is “meeeeeh”.

Kirk and Spock were trapped on a planet and were waiting for rescue.

Kirk complained to Spock that his legs were getting tired from just standing around.

Spock said "there's a tree right there let's cut it down with our phasers and make a bench."

"You're a genius!" Exclaimed Kirk.

"Nonsense" replied Spock "it's only log-ical"

It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

I called Serena Williams. I said, “Serena, what’s your favorite planet?”

She said, “It’s Venus.”

Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?

All 8 planets are singing Happy Birthday to the Sun and it sounds terrible.

Everyone turns to Earth and Earth says, "don't look at me, I'm not flat"

How does NASA identify dead planets?

They look through the orbituaries.

Why can’t astrologers find humor in the movements of stars and planets?

The real joke is in the comets

Saturn is a really catchy name for a planet.

It has a ring to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two planets are talking

A: "You look like shit, what happened?"
B: "Don't even ask..I have humans..."
A: "Oh, I've had that too, but don't worry, it will go away by itself"

Scientists have discovered a planet populated entirely by robots.

They call it Mars.

Why is milk the fastest liquid on the Planet?

It’s PASTEURISED before you even see it!

When God integrated Planet Earth, he thankfully recalled his Calculus lesson.

He remembered to add the sea.

So aliens flew by our planet recently and one asked the other...

Alien 1 How advanced is that civilization?

Alien 2 They have discovered nuclear technology.

Alien 1 Oh boy... That's pretty intelligent. We better keep our distance then from their missles.

Alien 2 Nah, they're not that smart yet. They have em pointed at themselves.

What do planets say in winter?

We're freezing our axis of.

We finally get a robot onto an alien planet and the first thing we do is roll over an adorable little fuzzball. Its true.

Curiosity killed the cat.

In the 2001 film "The Planet of the Apes" David Warner plays a primate named Senator Sandar

which means the whole planet is probably a Banana Republic

A new life form is discovered on a nearby planet

It's a huge humanoid figure, almost 200 feet tall while seated. It's just sitting there. The rise and fall of the creature's chest is evident, but it doesn't seem to do anything else.

Scientists come from all over to investigate this strange being. They become more and more frustrated at...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS : URANUS IS NOT A PLANET

..... you're sitting on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

20 years into the future, NASA has a program for the public to travel to all planets. NASA has a Kennedy Space Center Ticket kiosk, run by Neil deGrasse. A man walks up with $200 "One ticket to soar around Uranus." Neil: "Here you go, you must take the proper precautions,the journey is rough."

"You have to pass through a black hole to get there."

What was the money called on Superman’s home planet?

Kryptoncurrency

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If there is earth on planet Earth, why aren't there Jews on Jupiter?

Because it's a gas planet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is Uranus classified as a planet

and not as a Black Hole?

We should start calling the planet "unborn baby"

maybe then republicans would want to save it.

A planet is a celestial body that is in orbit around a star, has sufficient gravity to make itself round and has cleared the neighbourhood around its orbit.

That’s why Pluto isn't a planet but your mum is.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said, "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson repl...

There are two types of people on the planet...

Those who can extrapolate information based upon the given context

/r/Jokes/ wins Friend of the Planet award!

for 95% recycled content.

As more resources for our planet are needed...

... A 4 years mission in space is planed by world leaders but there are no candidates who want to be away for so long. In an attempt to find 3 candidates deals are to be made.
An American steps up and the only thing he needs are hamburgers for all 4 years. World leaders accept.
A French man r...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.