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Aid Jokes

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Redneck First Aid

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two hillbillies in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops h...

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.

Hearing aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.

A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks...

George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...

and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane crash early this morning.

Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.
...

How do hearing aid batteries compare to other batteries?

They produce a lower number of whats.

Common sense is like AIDS.

Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.

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I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.

When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?"

The ignorant bastard just ignored me.

I was thinking of dressing up as a Band-Aid for Halloween, but then decided against it.

It would be really hard to pull off.

Putin summoned an aide and said,

“I know you spread jokes about me. It's impertinent."
Aide:: "Why?"
Putin “I am the Great Leader, Teacher, and Friend of the people after all."
Aide: "I swear, I have never told anybody this joke."

Financial aid



An Australian guy is traveling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Fosters, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come b...

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Aids or Alzheimer's

A man takes his wife to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, its either aids or alzheimers."

"What do you mean?" the guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Well, the two look a lot alike in the early stages." said the doctor, "Tell you what, drive her way out into the country. Once ...

Why don't Blondes make Kool-Aid?

Because they can't get eight cups of water into the tiny Kool-Aid pouch.

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

If "Gator Aid" had been created in Talahassee instead of Gainesville

Would we all be drinking Seminole Fluid?

My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid……..

My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid ..

“State of the art” he said

“ it cost me an absolute fortune “”

“That’s brilliant dad , what type is it “???

“It’s 2:30 “he replied

Vladimir Putin, surrounded by his aides and bodyguards.....

visits a modern art exhibition. "What the hell is this green circle with yellow spots all over?" he asked. His aide answered, "This painting, president Putin, depicts our heroic peasants fighting for the fulfillment of the plan to produce two hundred million tons of grain."

"Ah-h… And what i...

“What do we want!?” “Hearing aids!”

“When do we want them!?”
“Hearing aids!”

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

I sent my hearing aids for repair 2 weeks ago

Haven't heard anything since

Some idiot bet me $50 that I couldn't name an illness worse than aids.

I said "I definitely *can sir*".

My L‌‌esbian n‌‌eighbours E‌‌va a‌‌nd J‌‌ulia a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌recently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌eren't m‌‌an h‌‌aters!

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his hearing aid?

**WHAT?!?!**

Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"

Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid."

I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic.

Everybody is so positive.

I just found out the kool-aid man plays on a baseball team.

He's the pitcher.

My wife is involved in the humanitarian aid…

- “My wife is involved in the humanitarian aid. She cooks soup for homeless people in our city.”
- “And is she good at it?”
- “Oh boy, definitely! Half of the homeless rather found a job already!”

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Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

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Hearing Aid Missing

An old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”

“Crap!,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”

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My friend sells hearing aids over the phone (he really does) my favorite joke is:

"Hello, can you hear me?"

"Yes."

"Shit"

Click

What's the hardest part about hearing your sister has AIDS?

Acting surprised

my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid

"it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.”

my dad: "what kind is it?"

my grandma: "it's 4:15pm"

Bee Gees songs are useful for first aid. Do chest compressions to the rhythm of Staying Alive.

If the CPR fails, it’s time to sing For Whom The Bell Tolls.

What do you get when you snort Kool-Aid powder?

A punchline

Hear about the baby with AIDS?

It never gets old...

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

Trump Finally Gets His Parade

One of Trump's aide says to him, "Sir, I had a dream you got your parade. It was miles and miles long winding through Washington DC. Joyful Americans lined the route, literally in the millions. People were laughing, cheering, playing in the street. You were riding in the most beautiful carriage."...

If life gives you AIDS...

Make Lemon-AIDS.

I got hearing aids last week

I shouldn't have used that q-tip I found on the men's room floor.

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Aids or Alzheimers

A woman noticed her husband wasn't quite the same as he used to be. So she takes him to the doctor. The doctor does a bunch of tests. He calls the woman into the office. He says, "Well, I've narrowed it down to two things. It's either Aids or Alzheimers." The woman says, "Oh, My God!!!! What am I go...

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I went to Rite Aid today for my Covid booster.

After remembering how bad the 2nd shot made my arm hurt I asked if he could put it in my butt. He says "Yeah, but first I'm gonna give you the booster shot."

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How did humanity discover AIDS?

They fucked around and found out.

New hearing aid

I FINALLY GOT MY NEW HEARING AID.
IT'S GREAT.
I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING.

That's good. What did you pay for it?

QUARTER PASSED FIVE!

There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola:

The directions say the medication must be taken with food.

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

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Did you hear that Viagra can be used as a sleep aid?

I took one before bed last night and slept hard.

What do you call first aid on a pirate ship?

Sea pee yarrrrrrrr!

I have AIDS and Alzheimer's

Thank goodness I don't have AIDS

I've a joke about AIDS.

Hope no-one gets it anymore.

When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid...

... she becomes a Def Leppard

What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?

The guy that gave it to him.

My disabled friend wants to be a Band-Aid for Halloween but he’s got no arms…

I don’t know how he expects to pull it off

An aide slides up to Trump and whispers in his ear discreetly

"Mr.President, one of your shoes is black, and the other is brown!"

Trump said

, "Yes, I noticed it myself. I went to change but when I looked in the closet, the only other pair I had was also one black and one brown"

I once heard a song about aids

It was really catchy

AIDS, herpes, syphilis, and a timeshare. Which one doesn't belong?

Syphilis. You can get rid of that.

The engineers are always bickering about who is the best at computer-aided design.

They are very CAD-dy.

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?

A: They can't fit 8 quarts of water in that tiny little packet.

Just got myself a first aid kit

Thought I'd treat myself

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Wanna hear a joke about Kool-Aid?

Crap. I forgot the punch line

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Fish marriage aid

What does a pair of married fish use to help their ailing sex life?



a "gill-do"

I never could stand the Kool-Aid man...

He's always so full of himself!

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Doctor : Your wife has either AIDS or Alzheimer's

Husband : Doc! Is there anything I can do!!
Doctor : Drive her 2 miles from home and drop her off, if she comes back, don't fuck her.

What's the difference between an ISIS K bomb maker and an Afghani aid worker?

How should I know I just fly the drone

The hearing-aid

A man is dining in a restaurant and speaks to a waiter.

Man: Excuse me sir, I found a hearing-aid on my plate.

Waiter: What?

Doctor: You have AIDS and alzheimer...

Patient: At least I don't have AIDS

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Q: What's the first symptom of AIDS?

A: A steady pounding sensation in your ass.

Why did the Kool-Aid man stop acting on Broadway?

He always broke the fourth wall.

"Waiter, why do I have a hearing aid in my soup?"

“Excuse me, what?”

"Your wife's test results indicate she has either Alzheimer's or aids, however..."

"Your insurance only authorized the one test, so we really can't narrow it down more."
"What should I do Doc?"
"Leave her here and drive home alone. If she shows up do not sleep with her!"

A congressional aide asks the politician, “What should we do about this abortion bill?”

Politician: Shh. Just pay it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my boyfriend has hearing aids.

i asked him, “how did you get hearing aids?” he replied, “phone sex, darling.”

An Irishman is diagnosed with incurable cancer.

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and sad...

Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?

A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.

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Doctor, I came to pick up my wife’s results…

- Well… I had a little problem with the results. I accidentally scrambled them with another patient, we don’t know if she has aids or alzheimers.

+ What should I do now?

- Leave her in the middle of the forest, if she comes back, don’t fuck her.

My new hearing aids are so good, they're restored my hearing fully

- That's awesome, how long have you had them?
- About 200$

Hearing Aid

My neighbor just told me, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," . "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty"

A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency.

“I saw a woman hit by a car,” he said. “She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.”
“How horrible! What did you do?”

“Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.”

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Girl: “Forgive me Father for I have sinned”

Priest: “What did you do dear?”

Woman: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Woman: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Woman: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason to ca...

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Got Aids

This guy is banging this girl, the girl asks "You haven't got aids have you?" He replies "No" she responds "Oh, thank fuck for that! I don't want to get that again!"

Boy:"Hey,do you have a band aid?"

Boy:"Hey,do you have a band aid?"
Girl:"NO,why?"
Boy:"I broke my knee when i fell for you "

Right next to aids.

My dad often tells me im his least favorite STD

Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news," the Mother Superior says. "It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.

"We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
...

Doc I can’t stop imitating the Kool Aid man...

Doctor: Oh no!

Patient: Oh yeah!

What did Andrew Cuomo's battery say to the female aide's chips

I'm Eveready if you're Frito Lay

Inappropriate times for the Kool-Aid Man to bust through the wall.

“I’m so glad you brought me here Jack, I’ve never seen the engine room of an Ocean Liner before.”

“Oh, no?”

**”Oh, Yeah!”**

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

Does anyone know how long it takes to fix a hearing aid?

I sent mine away two weeks ago and heard nothing since!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Aids...

-What would prevent AIDS from spreading in Africa?
-Sex only after lunch

My doctor said he could give me some aids for my erectile dysfunction.

I told him that didn't sound like a good trade.

What does a broken thermometer and AIDS have in common?

They've both wasted Mercury

What's meaner than a pitbull with AIDS?

The man who gave it to him.
Via shared needles.

First Aid Saves

"How come you're late?" asks the Manager as I walked through the door.

"It was awful," I explained. "I was walking down West road and there was this terrible accident. I saw a woman lying in the middle of the road. She'd been thrown from her car. Her leg was broken, her skull was fractured, ...

Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries

to rich people in poor countries.

The Kool-Aid man use to be a broadway actor

He had to turn to commercials after learning he had the inability to stop himself from breaking the fourth wall.

I'm releasing a new line of sleep aids featuring melatonin-infused almonds, cashews, and pistachios.

They're called Doze Nuts.

What part of first aid are pirates best at?

C.P.ARRRR.

A aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump

"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."
Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this. He sinks back in his chair, saying OMG over and over.

Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

Enough with the jokes that lack visual aid

I've had it up to here with them

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I ...

Get AIDS from a toilet seat

A patient says, Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?


The doctor replies, Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.

What's the difference between having AIDS and having kids?

Everyone considers you a hero if you beat AIDS.

British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final

Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k

President's Aide: "Mr. Trump, the dry cleaners called and wanted to let you know...

You left two supreme court justices in your pocket when you dropped your suit off."

Kool-Aid Man breaks through wall.

"Oh ya!"

[breaks 2nd wall]

"Oh ya!"

[3rd wall]

"OHHH YEAAHH!"

[breaks 4th wall]

*Winks at camera*

What's the difference between Walter White and Kool Aid man when it comes to children's privacy?

One of them knocks

My uncle just died of AIDs...

I should probably get myself checked out

So my ex called me this morning, and said “Jason, I have aids.”

And I called her back and said, “I know.”

New hearing aide

A friend of mine got new a hearing aid and he was ecstatic over how much better he could hear.

"It's like night and day", he said. "I can't believe all the sounds I was missing"

I asked, "What kind is it?"

He answered "about a quarter to four"

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