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Treated Jokes

My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be treated like a princess...

So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France

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My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince...

...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

My girlfriend said she wanted to be treated like a princess

So I used her as bait to lure an Italian plumber into my castle

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I get treated like a God

People leave me the fuck alone till they want something from me.

People say that they’re being treated like a dog like it’s a bad thing but I wish I was treated like a dog

Because if a dog pees on someone’s lawn then everyone is chill but when I do it they call the cops. So unfair.

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.

What is it called when a square is treated respectfully?

Equal rights.

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

A priest dies and goes to Heaven...

Some time after he's arrived, he's noticed that one of the other people in Heaven, a New York City cab driver, was being treated with much more respect than he was.

So he went to the Lord and asked, "Lord, why is that man being treated much better than me when all he did for a living was dr...

"Treat others the way you want to be treated"

I followed that advice, and now I'm on a registry.

I always thought people treated me like a god.

They ignore my existance unless they need something from me.

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I've finally treated myself to one of those new exercise smartwatches.

So far I've wanked 15 miles

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My mother always told me I should treat people the way I want to be treated.

but every time I do, I get charged with sexual harassment.

A woman treated her dry hair

A woman treated her dry hair with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave a smell, she washed her hair with shampoo several times. That night, in bed, she asked her husband, "Do I smell like Olive Oil?" He sniffed a little and replied "Why? Do I smell like Popeye?"

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.

Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.

Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.

(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee an...

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Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly

I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to shit on his chauffeur

At what time to people most commonly get dental injuries treated?

Two thirty.

I’ve seen a few jokes about dwarfs recently and I’m sick of it.

My girlfriend has dwarfism, and is kinder and works harder than anyone I know. She deserves respect and shouldn’t be treated so poorly by you lot.

In fact, to make it up to her I’m going to make her a lovely meal, pour her a glass of wine, and run her a nice hot sink.

Three former sorority sisters meet up for a reunion homecoming game and start talking about life has treated them since college.

The first says that she couldn't be happier. She married a man who owns a Mercedes Benz car dealership. They live in a beautiful home, she drives whatever new Mercedes that strikes her fancy, and they are living a life of luxury.

The second mentions that her husband was just a councilman in t...

Treat others how you would like to be treated.

And they will tell you to take out the ball gag and stop sodomizing them.

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I am never treated with respect

people will call me “Bitch” every time I go in public. It never bothered me before but it’s starting to get to me these last couple of days. Call me crazy but I think female dogs should be treated with more respect!

To celebrate my cake cay I treated myself to a new stereo made of cake...

It's a gateau blaster!!




(Not new or original, but it always makes me chuckle. And in five years this is the first cake day I've managed to post on!)

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What can humble any man in the world without it, but when in possession is always treated like crap?

A roll of toilet paper...

"I want to be treated like a queen", she said.

So after the pope refused an annulment I accused her of heresy and had her beheaded.

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How is sewage treated?

.....Like shit.

My girlfriend told me that the way I treated her....

My girlfriend told me that the way I treated her, cheating on her, coming home at all hours of the night, disrespecting her parents, never helping around the house, running up her credit cards, hitting on her best friends, and the callousness with which I did it all, was inconceivable.

I said...

I believe that everyone should be treated equally.

Unless you drink straight milk. I mean, who does that?

I think it's just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong

especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de France races while competing on drugs. When I'm on drugs, I can't even find my bike.

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My grandfather was treated very poorly by Nazi's during World War II

Time and time again those bastards screwed him out of a promotion.

This girl told me her boyfriend treated her like dirt.

Does that mean he plowed you and planted his seed in you?

Did you hear how they treated the guy who was choking on his beer?

Gave him the Heineken maneuver.

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They say you should treat people the way you want to be treated. They call it The Golden Rule. But personally, I don't recommend that because at the end of the day,

You're just giving out free blow jobs for nothing in return!

When I was growing up my parents treated me like a flower...

Self raising

This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date....

So after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house.

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Religion should be treated like porn...

Sure you'll admit to liking it, but you won't get too specific and you sure as hell won't admit paying for it.

I believe everyone deserves to be treated equally.

It shouldn’t matter if you’re brown, black, yellow, or normal!

My employer treated me just like family...

After being with them for 18 years, they kicked me out!

Dr. Seuss once treated a fellow doctor, Dr. Forten, who was scared of the number 3.

Turns out, Forten fears a few

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