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Diagnosis Jokes

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

Diagnosis Explained

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I g...

An anti-vaxxer got a call from the Doctor.

The doctor said "Your test results are in and I'm afraid it's not good news."

"Nonsense," replied the anti-vaxxer. "I don't trust your pharmaceutical industry. My entire life I relied on homeopathic remedies instead of medication, and the only diagnosis I accept is based on my horoscope."
...

Terminal Diagnosis

I am just getting back from my doctor. They gave me a month to live. I guess I'll move in with my mother in law because every second with her is a frickin eternity.

Talking to my friend about his self diagnosis

Him: "It's scoliosis."

Me: "How do you know?"

Him: "I have a hunch."

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Smart Diagnosis Machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample a...

What diagnosis did the doctor give the nervous neckbeard?

A m'lady malady.

I just found out I'm colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

My doctor refuses to post my diagnosis to social media...

He says my disease is untweetable...

I just found out there's a clinical diagnosis for when you can't sleep and so you spend the whole night eating.

It's called insomnomnomnomnia.

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I went to the proctologist, but didn’t like the diagnosis so I asked for a second opinion.

Now I’ve got TWO fingers up my arse!

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Doctor Diagnosis

The doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.

Now I am worried shitless!

My neighbor got a diagnosis from a psychiatrist and decided to get an Emotional Support Animal.

His choice? A skunk. His diagnosis? Sociopath.

Why did the patient try to get a diagnosis from his drink?

Because it was a Dr Pepper

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Place urine sample here for diagnosis. [Long Joke]

A man walks into a doctor's surgery with a sore elbow. The receptionist tells him there is a one hour wait, so he sits down in the waiting area and starts looking around sheepishly and wondering whether his minor problem is worth such a wait for a diagnosis.

In the corner of the room he notic...

My mom said Vladimir sounded like a diagnosis. I said " I have Vladimir of the prostate"

...because I been Putin stuff in there.

What did the dentist diagnosis the red head with?

Gingervitis

Astute Diagnosis

A guy goes to the doctor, with a carrot up his nose. He's got a piece of celery in his other nostril, and a banana in his ear. He says,"Doc, I don't feel so good."
The doctor says,"You're not eating right."

What's the hardest thing about going to the doctor's office after a Alzheimer's diagnosis?

What's the hardest thing about going to the doctor's office after a Alzheimer's diagnosis?

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This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

I’ve been meaning to do something about my ADHD diagnosis.

But I keep getting distracted.

A doctor is diagnosing a patient

“Alright, I have your Diagnosis,” The doctor says to the patient

The patient says, “Make it quick. I don’t got all day.”

“How did you know?”

What was a doctors diagnosis of the victims involved in a pet van crash?

Coma, Coma, Coma, Coma, Coma, Chameleon

I just found out I'm colour blind

The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)

So I woke up this morning with a bit of bacon growing out of each ear, i went to the doctors he examined me and this was his final diagnosis...

I can't be cured...

I went to my doctor with some unusual symptoms...

The doctor said "I might have a diagnosis if you can answer me one question. Do you have synesthesia?"

I replied, "No, but I can see what you're saying."

A woman asks a psychiatrist what is wrong with her husband, who keeps saying over and over "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam."

"Easy diagnosis", the doctor says. "He's too tense."

I just got diagnosed with color blindness.

I gotta say this diagnosis came out of the orange.

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A man goes to a doctor for headache...

A man goes to a doctor for unbearable headache. The doctor diagnosis him. After the diagnosis the doctor turns to the man and says: "We must surgically remove one of your testicles, otherwise the headache won't go.". The man first retaliates but after learning that it is the only way he agrees so th...

An obese woman goes to the doctor.

She explains to the Doctor that she has been very nauseas and vomiting, even more so in the morning. After many tests and examinations the doctor came to a conclusion, "It looks like you're pregnant." He told her.
The woman was very distraught with his diagnosis. "I'm pregnant?!" She yells.
...

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While I was at the doctor, he walked in with my test results and said you’re going to have to stop masturbating!

I was so worried and I asked him why. He said, “ because I’m trying to give you your diagnosis”!

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

A man goes to the doctor and receives a dire diagnosis: you’ll definitely die from this. I’m estimating you should still have around 5

“Five what doctor? Five years? Months? Days???”

4...3...2...

The vet's office

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man,...

What did the fisherman do at the doctor's office after accidentally swallowing a bucket full of worms?

He waited on his diagnosis with baited breath

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The Orange Penis

A man is at the doctor's office. He says, “Doc, you gotta help me, my penis is bright orange and I’m afraid of the worst.”

The doctor examines the penis and it is, indeed, bright orange but the doctor can’t make a diagnosis. He spends the next several hours running every relevant test that he...

A man goes to a specialist

He's been to every doctor in his area, and none of them can figure out what's wrong with him. So eventually he goes to the preeminent specialist for what's bothering him to try to get a diagnosis. After several weeks of tests the doctor calls the man into his office and has him sit down.

...

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An irate woman calls her husband's doctor ...

"This is Mrs. Jones, my husband just got back from an appointment with you and he says that after examining him you told him that he can masturbate whenever he wants ! That's the most ridiculous diagnosis I've ever heard -- what kind of an office are you running there ?!?"

The doctor explain...

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A doctor diagnoses someone with diabetes

Doc: Your diagnosis is type 2 diabetes.

Patient: It runs in my family.

Doc: Nothing runs in your family, you fat cunt

Too soon

What is making a joke about Alex Tribek's cancer diagnosis?

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead

Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
“There” says the vet,” Your hamster is dead”.
Still not ha...

My friend went to the doctors worrying that he had caught the Coronavirus from his complete collection of Matt Groening animation figures.

Luckily his diagnosis was negative, despite having all the Simpsons.

I got really sick at the gate to my plane and a nearby doctor had to come over and check me out

He gave me a terminal diagnosis.

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office

He's wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says, "no need for a diagnosis, I can clearly see your nuts!"

Doctor to patient: I've got bad news & worse news...

Patient: Give me the bad first.

Dr: Ok. Your diagnosis told us you only have 48 hours to live.

P: Oh god! What could be worse news than that?

Dr: I've been trying to reach you since early yesterday morning.

A woman calls the vet about her horse...

when the vet diagnosis the horse he tells the women that the horse will need to be given 2 pills a day rectaly. He takes a straw shows the lady how and tells her to try with the second pill.
The lady flips the straw around and delivers the pill while the vet is staring at her she says... "I'm not...

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A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer...

A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor tells her she doesn't have long. The husband is devastated.

On the way home the husband asks his wife if there is anything he can do for her, a fantasy she's never had fulfilled.

So the wife says, "Well, I've never had cunnilin...

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Szechuan STD

Guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I've been having a bit of trouble urinating and it's getting sore, more sore every day."

Doctor told him to undress and lie on the bench. So he did, and the doctor came back, examined him and shook his head. "You been to China recently?"

"Well, y...

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A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

Mother and daughter go to the doctor

After running some tests due to some non specific symptoms, the doctor tell them, “well looks like you are going to be a grandma, your daughter is pregnant ma’am”

The mother is infuriated, insults the doctor telling him that her daughter “knows no man” and leaves the office fuming.

The...

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There was a guy who was having chronic trouble getting an erection.

After weeks of frustration, he finally decides he is going to go see a doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and eventually makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deterioratin...

What is the perfect joke?

That's something my psychologist would wonder right before giving me my diagnosis.

A blonde woman goes to the doctor because her body is aching all over...

She sits down and shows the doctor all the places it hurts. She presses down on her shoulder and it gives her pain. She presses down on her knee and it brings her pain. Finally she presses down on her stomach and says “ouch!” The doctor has seen enough and decides to take a fully body x-ray. The doc...

Trump gets very sick

So he goes to his doctor who runs a bunch of tests and gives Donald a clean bill of health saying it'll pass soon.

Two weeks later after not getting any better Trump goes back, this time vomiting profusely and has uncontrollable diarrhea. His Doctor runs a bunch of new tests and an MRI. On...

Charlie Sheen just received an AA coin in relation to maintaining sobriety for a year

Next to his HIV diagnosis, this may be the second most positive experience of his life.

Sudden realization moment

While speaking with my dad, he said to me "Gandhi fasted so long that his frame was rather frail, and when he ate the strangest fruit his breath was often stale, and he walked barefoot so hardened bottoms were his diagnosis."

Oh my God, I can't believe it...

He was a Super Callous Frag...

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Larry decides to go see a doctor

He's been experiencing severe pain in his right elbow, so he thinks he should go see a doctor. He tells his best friend about his plan.

'Don't go to the doctor's, they don't know shit,' says his best friend. 'There's this new computer at the pharmacy on the corner of the street. You just have...

A guy has been feeling terrible

So he goes to the doctor and describes to him his symptoms. The doctor runs many many tests trying to figure out a diagnosis. After a while he calls the man into his office and the doctor tells him "I have terrible news, unfortunately it seems you have a terminal illness." Bewildered and terrified...

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A man goes to the eye doctor....

The man says I think I'm getting nearsighted. So the doc sits him down and gives the man an eye exam.
The doctor pulls up a chart of letters, asking the man to read each line util he can't make out the letters. The man gets to about the 3rd line when he starts to have problems, and he can't read...

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A guy goes to a therapist cause he's having all kinds of weird dreams

The therapists says "Did you have one last night?"

The guy tells her that he drempt of a teepee

"Hmmm, that is odd," she agrees, "but it's too little information for me to make a diagnosis. Come back in a week and we can examine what happens between now and then."

The guy comes ...

A man goes to the psychiatrists wearing nothing but a layer of saran wrap.

When the man asked the Doctor to give him a diagnosis, the Doctor replied: "Well, clearly I can see your nuts."

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A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

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A man goes to his doctor because he’s been having headaches for the last 20 years.

The doctor performs a thorough examination and tells him his diagnosis. “The only way to cure your headaches is castration.” The man is taken aback, but, because he has kids and it tired of the headaches, he decides to go through with the procedure. It works, and his headaches are gone for the fi...

A man isn't feeling well, so he goes to the doctor's office.

The doctor takes blood and runs a few tests, takes a few other samples, and runs a few more tests. He finally finishes his diagnosis, and begins delivering the results.

"Sir," says the doctor, "I have good news, and bad news. Which would you like first?"

"Give me the good news, doc."...

Dr visit

A man goes to the dr because he is freely quite poorly. The dr does his due diligence and runs some tests on the man to find a diagnosis for his issues and returns to the man’s waiting room to give him the news. The dr looks at the man and says “I’ve got some terrible news.” The man asks what is wro...

A guy is driving through a snowstorm in Alaska when his car breaks down...

...so he gets it towed to the nearest mechanic. As he awaits the diagnosis he steps out for a smoke. He walks back in after smoking and a few moments later the mechanic comes out and says to him, "um...it looks like you blew a seal." To which the man responds, "oh nah, that's just some frost on m...

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Mothers Support Group...

At a mother's support group, a gathering of ladies with their children are talking with a therapist about life issues. After a few rounds of discussion the therapist had come to a few conclusions she wanted to share.

She looks at the first mother and says, "The reason you named your daughter...

So the test results are in.

It's bad news guys, the doctor says I'm colour blind.



Ill be honest with you, that diagnosis came totally out of the pink.

An Irish Republican Army soldier lies on his death bed.

One day, an IRA soldier lies on his death bed, dying of cancer. It's spread too far and couldn't be stopped. The doctor gave him his diagnosis, and only three days to live.

"Quick Moira," he says to his loving wife. "Enroll me as a member of the Ulster Volunteer Force."

"But why?" She...

A madhouse was to be demolished.

All the interns were to be transported to a new mental asylum. So they loaded a truck with all the patients that reside there, as well as some of the psychiatric staff to maintain the order, but in the middle of the way to the madmen's new home, there was a violent accident that resulted in the cras...

A man goes to the docter

Man: Well doctor, what's the diagnosis?

Doctor: What's your zodiac sign?

Man: Cancer.

Doctor: What a coincidence!

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sex joke

a guy wakes up with a ring around his penis. he goes to the doctor to see what's up with it. as he enters the doctors office, he says "doctor, i woke up with a red ring around my penis is there anything i can take to make it go away?"
the doctor handed him a tube and says "here. take this. apply ...

Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER do...

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A man goes to his doctor with a sore arm.

He sits down on the exam table and the doctor looks at his arm.
"What seems to be the trouble today, Mr. Wainscotting?", the doctor asks.
"Doc, I've got terrible pain starting in my bicep and extending down to my forearm." replies Mr. Wainscotting.
"Let's have a look."
The doctor examine...

An old man goes to the doctor's

An old man goes to the doctor's because he has been feeling bad lately. The doctor does some tests on him and tells him to come back the next day for the results.

The next day the man gets his diagnosis. The doctor says: "Sir, I have bad news for you. You have inoperable cancer. The tests hav...

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Traditional Herbal Medicine

A guy, having been with a lot of questionable women, starts developing a bad rash and severe groin pain. After several weeks, he finally goes to see his doctor.

The doctor says, "I'm real sorry, but the infection has gone way too far, we're going to have to amputate your penis." The guy doe...

Ghandi was a what?

So we all know how Ghandi was a wonderful person and a pioneer in the non violent protest movement. But there are some facets of his life that add up to a very rare diagnosis.

First of all, he walked everywhere barefoot which made his feet very tough.

Secondly his diet was comple...

Whater jokes?

Man goes to a doctor cuz he’s felt ill for days. The doctor gives him a bunch of pills.

The doctor says: “Take the green pill with one glass of water in the morning. An hour later, take the white pill with another glass of water. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water before lunch, afte...

A young doctor an an old doctor were standing in a hospital, trying to out-diagnose each other.

The competition was heating up, and the next correct diagnosis would be the winner.

Just then an old man hobbles by, walking carefully with short, shuffling steps. He has an IV tower with him and appears to be leaning on it for support.

The young doctor snaps his fingers and says “I g...

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Honk Kong Dong

Bill had just returned home from a sales convention in Hong Kong. He spent his days at the convention and his nights in the Red Light district, and was now suffering from a painful and inflamed penis. He hurried to the doctor, who diagnosed it as the Hong Kong Dong and told Bill he would have to hav...

A doctor visits a woman after her operation.

Doctor: "Good day, before I tell you the diagnosis, I would like to ask you a question: Do you have ticklish feet?"
Patient: "Oh yes doctor, I have the awfullest tickle of all time, I barely stand it! But why do you ask?"
Doctor: "Well then I have good news! You no longer have that problem! Yo...

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I'm afraid I have some bad news about your wife.

Guy gets a call from his doctor, says "Sir, your wife is here with me, we've just concluded her testing. And I'm afraid I have some bad news."

Husband: "What is it doc?" Doctor: Well I've narrowed the diagnosis down to one of two things, it's either Alzheimer's, or AIDS, but we're not certain...

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Grandma and granddaughter

A grandma from a unnamed county was talking to her granddaughter about the insane progress made in the medicine field:

"When I was 20 years old the doctor, the head nurse, the doctor on duty, the emergency doctor, the paramedic and his asistant, the cleaning staff and even the doorman from th...

A woman and her three daughters had been seeing a psychiatrist...

They've reached their final session, in which the doctor declares he has deduced that the woman has three obsessions.
"You named your first daughter, Candy," he says, "which tells me that you have an obsession with food. Your second daughter is named, Penny, which tells me you have an obsession ...

A penguin is driving through the Arizona desert when his car breaks down

He pulls into a nearby mechanic station in search of assistance.

The mechanic catches a quick glimpse of the car and tells the penguin, "I'll go ahead and check it out. Come back in about 30 minutes and I'll have a diagnosis for you."

"Alright then," replies the penguin as he waddles o...

A man goes in to see his doctor about an illness and brings his wife

After a short time, the doctor and man walk into the waiting room, and the doctor beckons the wife to talk to her privately.

“What’s the diagnosis? Is he going to be alright?” the wife asked.

“I’m afraid he isn’t looking good,” the doctor replied. “In fact, there’s a great chance he’ll...

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Curing Prostate Cancer

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey!" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he h...

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A man goes to his doctor and discovers...

...a strange new machine. His doctor tells him that it's a diagnosis machine; it deduces patients' problems by analyzing appropriate samples. After being told to try it, he put a sample into the receptacle. After a few seconds, the screen read "Tennis Elbow, Minor: Apply ice pack for 5 minutes every...

A funny thing happened at the lab

A seventy-four year old medical researcher went to the doctor after having a seeming unexplainable illness that had lasted for several days.

After describing her symptoms, the doctor performed a series of tests and then reached a diagnosis.

The doctor said, "I am not sure how to tell y...

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Ed Zachary

A man goes to see an asian sex therapist because he can't figure out why he can't get a girlfriend and have sex. The therapist says, "Take off yoo crose and craw on rug reery fass!" The man does what he's told and he crawls naked on the floor. The therapist says, "Stop! I have diagnosis. Yoo have Ed...

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On the advice of his doctor, a man goes to see a psychiatrist for possible sex addiction.

During his first session, the psychiatrist shows the man a series of Rorschach inkblots to gauge his reactions.

On the first inkblot, the man says: "It's a guy getting a blowjob."

On the second, the man says: "Hmmm, looks like a woman receiving cunnilingus from another woman."

O...

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Bad News and REALLY Bad News

Guy goes to the doctor because things don't feel right. The doctor does test after test, then re-tests and consults a colleague who agrees with the diagnosis.

He calls the patient in and says, "I'm really sorry, but all I can offer is bad news and really bad news. What would you like first?...

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The doctor's jar

There was an old man who was worried something was wrong with his penis. He decided to go to the doctor to get a diagnosis.

After some x-rays and checkups, the doctor got results.

"Looks like you have a testicle infection. I need further data, so I need you to masturbate into this jar ...

A woman brings her budgie to the vet's.

It is lying very still and limp. "I'm afraid it's dead" says the vet, but the woman refuses to believe him. "Please", she says, "can't you examine it at least?" The vet goes to the door and whistles. In trots a black Labrador. The vet points to the budgie, and the dog goes over to the table, puts hi...

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A handsome man fears he may have an awful terminal illness.

Thinking that if he did indeed have cancer as he suspected, and not really knowing much about how treatment worked, he thought that because he surely would never get laid again after he lost all of his beautiful hair that it would be best if he go to the doctors in one week.


So the man sp...

You know the story of the guy who looked pale, right?

This one guy is looking really pale, so his friend tells him ¨dude, you're anemic¨. Of course, our guy doesn't believe this, so his friend says ¨I know about these symptoms, you're definitely anemic¨ and bets him 25 bucks on this. "OK", our guy says, "challenge accepted." Together they go to the doc...

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Tennis Elbow (You might have heard it, but it's my personal favorite [worth the read])

Jerry walks into work after a three day weekend. He's complaining about his right arm hurting. He's new, and his health insurance hasn't kicked in yet, so he wants to avoid going to the doctor.

His coworker tells him not to worry.. "There's this new machine down at the pharmacy. You bring...

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[Long] Once there was a guy who was suffering from a severe headache.

It went on for a month before he finally decided to visit a doctor. After completing the diagnosis, the doctor said, "You will have to lose a testicle". He was aghast when he heard the news. He pondered for few days —asked a few friends— and finally decided to operate it out. His headache receded fo...

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A man with a horrible stutter goes to the Dr. to see if there's a way to fix it...

Because of his stutter, Mr. Smith was painfully shy, and only communicated using gestures and notes. After reading his note explaining his problem, the doctor gave him a thorough examination, and returned to discuss his diagnosis with him.


"Well, Mr. Smith, the problem seems to be that y...

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Once upon a time...

...there lived a great ruler in India, Emperor Akbar. This great emperor had the most beautiful wife in all the realms.

At the palace, there lived a certain Ahmed who was a low-ranking official. He took a liking to the queen, and his greatest desire was to kiss the queen's gorgeous breasts....

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