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Treat Jokes

My parents treat me like a god...

...they don't believe in me.

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

People treat me like a god!

They ignore me until they need my help.

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates.

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

My girlfriend treats me like a god.

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

My wife asked me "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?"

So I brought her to a Wayans brothers movie, snuck in some vodka in a water bottle and asked her for a handy in the back row

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

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A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell and said, "Trick or Treat!" I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late."

Bloody twat earned all of my leftover candy.

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A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.

At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?"

The wife asks, "How does he know you?"

Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."

Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"

Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team."

Next a stri...

I want my bank to treat me the same way women do

0% interest rate

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be treated like a princess...

So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France

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For my birthday, my wife said she wanted to give me a sexy special treat...

...and she asked me which of her friends I'd like to have a threesome with.

Apparently, I was only supposed to give one name and now I'm spending my birthday in the ER with a broken arm and a black eye.

My girlfriend says I treat her like an object.

I don't know why it keeps saying that.

I’m not a racist. I treat every race equally

Even the bad ones

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

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I've started using Viagra to treat my sunburn.

It doesn't do anything for the burns, but it does a good job of keeping the sheets off my legs.

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My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince...

...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.

My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child.

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

I treat my haters the same way I treat fingers on 4th of July…

I just blow ‘em off

My Girlfriend said last night, "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!".

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god...

...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.

My family treats me like a God

They forget that I exist unless they want something

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I treat my wife like a sex object.

I want sex and she objects.

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

I'm really tired of seeing "treat your pets like a member of your family" parroted all over the internet.

I would never treat my pets that badly.

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it.

Patient: What’s the Cure?

Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...

How do you treat a sick chemist?

If you can't curium and you can't helium, you might as well barium.

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There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.

So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid aga...

My wife says SHE is the main breadwinner and I need to treat her like SHE is the man of the house…

So I divorced her and took the house. (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

My atheist boyfriend treats me like a literal goddess.

He acts like I don't exist.

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As a country, we should treat our bickering political parties like how we treat our bickering children

Instead of siding with one or the other, we should yell, “IF YOU TWO KEEP *FUCKING* FIGHTING, I’M TURNING THIS *GODDAMN* CAR RIGHT AROUND!”

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My mother told me I should always treat the janitor with the same level of respect I show to my CEO

That's how I started sucking the janitors cock.

I treat women like pieces of meat

I'm a vegan - I haven't touched one in years

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?.....

.... Because they have no body to go with.

Trick or Treat!

A small boy dressed as a pirate knocked on my door last night.

I opened the door and he waved his sword & said "Trick or Treat"

I said " Oh look a pirate, but where are your buccaneers ? "

He took the chocolate bar & replied " Under my buckin hat "

I tell ya, my wife treats me like a god.

At every meal, she gives me burnt offerings.

How do they treat mesothelioma?

Asbestos they can.

Last week I was on a date with a girl and it was going pretty well till she said "What I really want is a guy who will treat me like a Princess."

So I hired some Paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car crash.

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

Leo treats women like Christmas Trees…

no use for em after the 25th

What do you call a veterinarian who can only treat one species?

A Doctor.

My wife said that I always treat my kid unfairly.

I don’t even know which one she means, Tommy, Tina or the fat ugly one.

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

United Airlines will treat you like a King!

Rodney King, that is.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess

So I took her to Paris.

We went to wonderful restaurants and stayed in an expensive hotel.

Then I crashed our car in a tunnel and she died.

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

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My parents treat me like Terms & Conditions

They don't give a fuck what I have to say

My girlfriend said she wanted to be treated like a princess

So I used her as bait to lure an Italian plumber into my castle

Apparently Pfizer is now selling a pill that treats skepticism.

But I'm not buying it.

How do you treat a shoplifter with a belly ache?

Kleptobismal.

"Treat others the way you want to be treated"

I followed that advice, and now I'm on a registry.

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Last year I opened the door to a kid doing ‘trick or treat’ in a Gloria Gaynor mask!

At first I was afraid...

Did you hear about the masseuse who refused to treat women?

He was a massagenist

A Doctor claims to treat patients with 100% Results otherwise he will give 100$

A man walks inside the clinic and says **"Doctor, I have lost my taste buds. I can't feel the taste of anything."** The Doctor replies **"Don't worry. I will give you a syrup and you wil regain your taste buds. Nurse, pls give him the blue bottle."** The man drinks the content of the blue bottle and...

"I'm gonna treat you like I treat my homework"

"Oh, you're going to slam me on your desk and do me all night?"

"No, I'm going to stare at you and think there's so many better things I could be doing..."

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My mother always told me I should treat people the way I want to be treated.

but every time I do, I get charged with sexual harassment.

Treating her like a dog

A woman walks into a bar and orders a Moscow mule. "Congratulate me, I just got divorced," the woman says. "He'll never treat me like a dog again." "What, did he hit or beat you," the bartender asks. "No," she replies. "He expected me to be faithful."

What do you say to that doctor that simply insists on treating their own wound?

Fine! Suture self!

I told my boyfriend that he better start treating me like a princess

So he flew me to Paris, got me drunk, and drove me into a tunnel pillar at 105 km/h.

A Sesame Street treat...[this joke sucks]

"Ernie, do you want some ice cream?"

"Sherbert."

My wife left me for an Indian guy

I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

A man goes to the doctor to treat a stomach ache.

Doctor: Hello! How are you?

Man: I'm fine, thank you

Doctor: That'll be $250

Treat her like you will treat your mom.

*Later on date*

"Give me $40 please".

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I get treated like a God

People leave me the fuck alone till they want something from me.

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What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get what you fucking deserve! *BANG*

My chiropractor makes me feel like a Rice Krispy treat

But that just may be the marshmallow spread he rubs all over me

Hey girl I want to treat you like a trump-loving Christian treats Jesus.

Come over to your dad’s house on the weekend to drink your wine and eat your body, then act like I’ve never heard of you for the rest of the week.

"You treat me like a dog," said my wife....

"We need to sit and talk about it right now," she continued.

"Ok," I replied, "but not on the sofa."

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So this kid dressed like a pirate goes Trick Or Treating...

A lady answers the door and says "My! What a big buccaneer!" He replies "Oh yeah! Well you gotta big fuckin' head lady!"

Wife : Why don’t you treat me like when I was your girlfriend?

Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant. Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.

Treat others how you would like to be treated.

And they will tell you to take out the ball gag and stop sodomizing them.

What's a calendar's favorite treat?

Dates!


(My first time posting here, but I was snacking on dates and this came to my mind)

Steve treats John as a Rival

Steve always fall second next to John in everything in High School, when they graduated high school John graduates as the Top of the class and Steve is second.

On then Steve vowed to study hard in college and comeback to humiliate John. John are not able to continue his studies because their ...

A lady decided to treat herself to a nice night at a fancy hotel

She comes into a beautiful and lavish room, and spends a relaxing evening in there. The next morning, she goes to the lobby to pay.

“700 dollars?! That’s ridiculous, no way this place is worth that much!” she exclaimed.

The desk clerk, in a tired voice, explained. “This is a top of the...

What is it called when a square is treated respectfully?

Equal rights.

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My husband said that tonight he'd treat me like an elevator and push my buttons.

Unfortunately it was "door close" which didn't do anything.

My dad always told me to treat women like flowers.

So I tore my girlfriend apart limb by limb to find out whether or not she loved me.

No matter how good you treat your dog

They will always say they have it ruff

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Buying cat treats at Walmart today

TRUE STORY. I went to Walmart today for cat treats, they were out of human food. As I stood in line some lady made a smartass remark to me for coming to the store just for cat treats. I told the lady I had to fatten up my cats before I eat them because all you assholes are hoarding the food. Her lit...

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

A man decides to treat himself one day and buys a ticket to the Superbowl.

He bought the ticket the day of and got a seat in the nosebleeds. He arrived a little late to the game and as he was entering the stadium he noticed a man with an empty seat right behind his teams bench. Ever the opportunist he walks over and asks the man if the seat's taken.

"It isn't actual...

How does a deaf gynecologist treat patients?

They read lips

Girl, imma treat you like I treat my pinky toe

I'm going to bang you on all the furniture all night long

Just before breaking up with them, I would treat all my exes to mani-pedis, massages, and give them some spending money.

Father always taught me to leave stuff in better condition than how I found it.

I treat women like Jack Sparrow treats rum.

I never have any

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I came across a fellow pimp treating one of his girls poorly the other day. I tried to offer up some advice to which he replied...

"Mind your own fucking business."

My father wants me to treat him like a king

So I stabbed him while he was sleeping. The succession line has to go on, dad.

A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.

Doctor: How did this happen?

Patient: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

I treat my women like I treat my sirloin steaks

2 minutes on each side.

Classic Winston Churchill wit....

These are old and possibly apocryphal, but just in case of the younger redditors haven't heard them:

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”

Churchill: “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning."


Truman to Churchill on Churchill's replacement as PM, Clem...

What’s a catholic priests favorite Easter treat...

Lil’ Peeps

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

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My wife treats me like a president

It mostly means she hides her tax money from me and talks shit about me on social media.

I treat my family like dogs.

With financial support and unconditional love.

A priest dies and goes to Heaven...

Some time after he's arrived, he's noticed that one of the other people in Heaven, a New York City cab driver, was being treated with much more respect than he was.

So he went to the Lord and asked, "Lord, why is that man being treated much better than me when all he did for a living was dr...

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

A man goes to his doctor to treat his stomachache and is prescribed a suppository.

Doctor: "So you know how to take this pill? It's a suppository."

Man : "Of course I know how to take a pill! Thanks, Doc."

The man walks out of the doctors office. The next day, the office gets a phone call from the man.

Man: "These pills don't work! My stomach hurts even worse ...

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They say you should treat people the way you want to be treated. They call it The Golden Rule. But personally, I don't recommend that because at the end of the day,

You're just giving out free blow jobs for nothing in return!

I treat relationships like math problems

Once I get confused I start cheating.

My downstairs neighbors treat their weed like Jimmy John’s treats their sandwiches:

free smells.

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My coworker treat me like a god

when some shit happen, they crucify me

Little Johnny is trick or treating

and he’s dressed like a pirate! His outfit is top to bottom swashbuckling fun, and he’s incredibly proud of all the fine details included.

He goes to the first house, knocks on the door and when the door opens he yells “twick o tweat!”
The woman at the door fawns over him, she coos “oh...

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