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A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates.

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
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My wife asked me "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?"

So I brought her to a Wayans brothers movie, snuck in some vodka in a water bottle and asked her for a handy in the back row

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A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell and said, "Trick or Treat!" I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late."

Bloody twat earned all of my leftover candy.

My parents treat me like a god...

...they don't believe in me.

People treat me like a god!

They ignore me until they need my help.

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

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A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.

At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?"

The wife asks, "How does he know you?"

Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."

Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"

Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team."

Next a stri...

My girlfriend treats me like a god.

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

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For my birthday, my wife said she wanted to give me a sexy special treat...

...and she asked me which of her friends I'd like to have a threesome with.

Apparently, I was only supposed to give one name and now I'm spending my birthday in the ER with a broken arm and a black eye.

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

I want my bank to treat me the same way women do

0% interest rate

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

Last week I was on a date with a girl and it was going pretty well till she said "What I really want is a guy who will treat me like a Princess."

So I hired some Paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car crash.

My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be treated like a princess...

So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France

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There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.

So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid aga...

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

I’m not a racist. I treat every race equally

Even the bad ones

My wife says SHE is the main breadwinner and I need to treat her like SHE is the man of the house…

So I divorced her and took the house. (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

My girlfriend says I treat her like an object.

I don't know why it keeps saying that.

My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child.

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

My Girlfriend said last night, "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!".

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

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My mother told me I should always treat the janitor with the same level of respect I show to my CEO

That's how I started sucking the janitors cock.

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My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince...

...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.

Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god...

...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.

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I've started using Viagra to treat my sunburn.

It doesn't do anything for the burns, but it does a good job of keeping the sheets off my legs.

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I treat my wife like a sex object.

I want sex and she objects.

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it.

Patient: What’s the Cure?

Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...

My family treats me like a God

They forget that I exist unless they want something

My boyfriend is an atheist and treats me like a goddess

He acts like I don't exist.

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

I treat my haters the same way I treat fingers on 4th of July…

I just blow ‘em off

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

I tell ya, my wife treats me like a god.

At every meal, she gives me burnt offerings.

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Last year I opened the door to a kid doing ‘trick or treat’ in a Gloria Gaynor mask!

At first I was afraid...

How do you treat a sick chemist?

If you can't curium and you can't helium, you might as well barium.

I treat women like pieces of meat

I'm a vegan - I haven't touched one in years

What do you call a veterinarian who can only treat one species?

A Doctor.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess

So I took her to Paris.

We went to wonderful restaurants and stayed in an expensive hotel.

Then I crashed our car in a tunnel and she died.

My wife said that I always treat my kid unfairly.

I don’t even know which one she means, Tommy, Tina or the fat ugly one.

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I came across a fellow pimp treating one of his girls poorly the other day. I tried to offer up some advice to which he replied...

"Mind your own fucking business."

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What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get what you fucking deserve! *BANG*

Just before breaking up with them, I would treat all my exes to mani-pedis, massages, and give them some spending money.

Father always taught me to leave stuff in better condition than how I found it.

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I was in town last night with my girlfriend. We walked past a fancy restaurant and she went MMMMmmmmm that smells delicious. So I though, fuck it, she deserves a treat…

So I turned around and we walked past again.

What do you say to that doctor that simply insists on treating their own wound?

Fine! Suture self!

A Doctor claims to treat patients with 100% Results otherwise he will give 100$

A man walks inside the clinic and says **"Doctor, I have lost my taste buds. I can't feel the taste of anything."** The Doctor replies **"Don't worry. I will give you a syrup and you wil regain your taste buds. Nurse, pls give him the blue bottle."** The man drinks the content of the blue bottle and...

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As a country, we should treat our bickering political parties like how we treat our bickering children

Instead of siding with one or the other, we should yell, “IF YOU TWO KEEP *FUCKING* FIGHTING, I’M TURNING THIS *GODDAMN* CAR RIGHT AROUND!”

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?

Because they have no body to go with.

Leo treats women like Christmas Trees…

no use for em after the 25th

Apparently Pfizer is now selling a pill that treats skepticism.

But I'm not buying it.

How do you treat a shoplifter with a belly ache?

Kleptobismal.

How do they treat mesothelioma?

Asbestos they can.

Did you hear about the masseuse who refused to treat women?

He was a massagenist

My girlfriend said she wanted to be treated like a princess

So I used her as bait to lure an Italian plumber into my castle

Trick or Treat!

A small boy dressed as a pirate knocked on my door last night.

I opened the door and he waved his sword & said "Trick or Treat"

I said " Oh look a pirate, but where are your buccaneers ? "

He took the chocolate bar & replied " Under my buckin hat "

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

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Kidneys never treat blood seriously…

… they’re always taking the piss out of it!

United Airlines will treat you like a King!

Rodney King, that is.

I told my boyfriend that he better start treating me like a princess

So he flew me to Paris, got me drunk, and drove me into a tunnel pillar at 105 km/h.

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My husband said that tonight he'd treat me like an elevator and push my buttons.

Unfortunately it was "door close" which didn't do anything.

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My parents treat me like Terms & Conditions

They don't give a fuck what I have to say

A man goes to the doctor to treat a stomach ache.

Doctor: Hello! How are you?

Man: I'm fine, thank you

Doctor: That'll be $250

A lady decided to treat herself to a nice night at a fancy hotel

She comes into a beautiful and lavish room, and spends a relaxing evening in there. The next morning, she goes to the lobby to pay.

“700 dollars?! That’s ridiculous, no way this place is worth that much!” she exclaimed.

The desk clerk, in a tired voice, explained. “This is a top of the...

Wife : Why don’t you treat me like when I was your girlfriend?

Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant. Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.

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So this kid dressed like a pirate goes Trick Or Treating...

A lady answers the door and says "My! What a big buccaneer!" He replies "Oh yeah! Well you gotta big fuckin' head lady!"

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A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

A man decides to treat himself one day and buys a ticket to the Superbowl.

He bought the ticket the day of and got a seat in the nosebleeds. He arrived a little late to the game and as he was entering the stadium he noticed a man with an empty seat right behind his teams bench. Ever the opportunist he walks over and asks the man if the seat's taken.

"It isn't actual...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro...

My chiropractor makes me feel like a Rice Krispy treat

But that just may be the marshmallow spread he rubs all over me

A man goes to his doctor to treat his stomachache and is prescribed a suppository.

Doctor: "So you know how to take this pill? It's a suppository."

Man : "Of course I know how to take a pill! Thanks, Doc."

The man walks out of the doctors office. The next day, the office gets a phone call from the man.

Man: "These pills don't work! My stomach hurts even worse ...

Three former sorority sisters meet up for a reunion homecoming game and start talking about life has treated them since college.

The first says that she couldn't be happier. She married a man who owns a Mercedes Benz car dealership. They live in a beautiful home, she drives whatever new Mercedes that strikes her fancy, and they are living a life of luxury.

The second mentions that her husband was just a councilman in t...

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They say you should treat people the way you want to be treated. They call it The Golden Rule. But personally, I don't recommend that because at the end of the day,

You're just giving out free blow jobs for nothing in return!

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A story is told that in the mid 1990s, two men go to visit a doctor who is acclaimed for his ability to treat melancholia.

"We can’t eat, we can’t sleep,” say the men. “We feel contantly miserable. Please help us, doctor.”

“Laughter is the best medicine, my friends,” says the doctor. “Take yourself off to The Gathering of the Juggalos, where you will find Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of the Insane Clown Posse perf...

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My mother always told me I should treat people the way I want to be treated.

but every time I do, I get charged with sexual harassment.

What is it called when a square is treated respectfully?

Equal rights.

A Sesame Street treat...[this joke sucks]

"Ernie, do you want some ice cream?"

"Sherbert."

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

"You treat me like a dog," said my wife....

"We need to sit and talk about it right now," she continued.

"Ok," I replied, "but not on the sofa."

Treating her like a dog

A woman walks into a bar and orders a Moscow mule. "Congratulate me, I just got divorced," the woman says. "He'll never treat me like a dog again." "What, did he hit or beat you," the bartender asks. "No," she replies. "He expected me to be faithful."

If you haven't been to church in a long time, does Jesus treat you like your mom when you sneak home after curfew...?

"***My*** Father and I were worried sick!"

What do you call a buff guy who predicts the weather and can treat a UTI?

A meaty urologist.





BONUS (courtesy of my girlfriend)



What do call someone who's available 24/7 and treats cancer?

An always oncologist.

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

"Treat others the way you want to be treated"

I followed that advice, and now I'm on a registry.

My dad always told me to treat women like flowers.

So I tore my girlfriend apart limb by limb to find out whether or not she loved me.

Just got back from Morrison’s ....I have NEVER been so rudely treated in my life....

All I did was ask for toilet paper at the service desk.....The woman behind the counter turned and yelled at the top of her lungs OH MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!

I politely said there's no need to make a scene and shuffled back to the bathroom with my jeans around my ankles

How can you tell with 100% certainty that a parent is treating their kid right?

The kids cage is cleaned regularly.

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What can humble any man in the world without it, but when in possession is always treated like crap?

A roll of toilet paper...

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I get treated like a God

People leave me the fuck alone till they want something from me.

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When my girlfriend and I do role play sex she insists that I treat here like a 12 year old...

I don't know why she insists on it so heavily... I mean she will be 12 in just a couple of years!

No matter how good you treat your dog

They will always say they have it ruff

My father wants me to treat him like a king

So I stabbed him while he was sleeping. The succession line has to go on, dad.

My wife told me she wanted me to treat her like a queen.

So I had her executed with the guillotine for betraying the revolution and promoting undemocratic, outdated ideas.

Long live the republic!

I took my daughter trick or treating (dad joke)

I took my daughter trick or treating. After we received candy from the neighbor lady she says “you’re daughter looks so cute in that costume”. I smile and say “thank you”. She then asks if I made it. I say “yes”, but the costume is from Amazon.

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

Steve treats John as a Rival

Steve always fall second next to John in everything in High School, when they graduated high school John graduates as the Top of the class and Steve is second.

On then Steve vowed to study hard in college and comeback to humiliate John. John are not able to continue his studies because their ...

A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.

Doctor: How did this happen?

Patient: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

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Now that generic versions of Viagra are available, there are several low-cost options to treat erectile dysfunction.

Ask your doctor if coxaphlopin is right for you.

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The secret to a good love life is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these women never, ever meet each other.

Hey girl I want to treat you like a trump-loving Christian treats Jesus.

Come over to your dad’s house on the weekend to drink your wine and eat your body, then act like I’ve never heard of you for the rest of the week.

What’s a catholic priests favorite Easter treat...

Lil’ Peeps

How does a deaf gynecologist treat patients?

They read lips

What do you call a racist ex-Marine who medically treats animals?

A veteran aryan

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I've finally treated myself to one of those new exercise smartwatches.

So far I've wanked 15 miles

After a very successful heist, a thief treats his two close friends to a sumptuous meal at a fancy restaurant.

Friend A: "You've walked away with millions?? By stealing from a printer company? How on earth did you pull that off??!"

Friend B: "You must've had to drive out an entire truckload of printers to make that much!"

Thief: "It was actually a lot easier than that. I just walked out with al...

What's a calendar's favorite treat?

Dates!


(My first time posting here, but I was snacking on dates and this came to my mind)

I went to the ophthalmologist to treat my color blindless.

But they treated me so poorly I saw grey all the way home.

On Halloween, a man and his son came to my house to trick or treat

I asked them what they were both dressed up as and the man said he was dressed as Predator from the movie. As I gave the man some candy, I asked his son what he was dressed as although they were wearing the same thing and he said he was a child predator.

As I gave him some candy I thought wo...

A kid with a speech impediment is trick or treating on Halloween...

At his last door a nice elderly lady opens it and he says the traditional " Bick or beat!" She replied "Oh what do we have hear what are you dressed as little boy?" He proudly replied "I'm a Birate!"
"Oh you're a Pirate!" She responds "Well where are your Buckaneers?" He scowls at the lady and ...

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My wife treats me like a president

It mostly means she hides her tax money from me and talks shit about me on social media.

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Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly

I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to shit on his chauffeur

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Buying cat treats at Walmart today

TRUE STORY. I went to Walmart today for cat treats, they were out of human food. As I stood in line some lady made a smartass remark to me for coming to the store just for cat treats. I told the lady I had to fatten up my cats before I eat them because all you assholes are hoarding the food. Her lit...

It’s going to be dangerous to trick-or-treat this Halloween due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The only way you’re getting candy from a stranger this year is by putting on a mask and going to the grocery store.

The doctor on the radio said to treat your face mask like you do your underwear

So I turn in inside out every day

To celebrate my cake cay I treated myself to a new stereo made of cake...

It's a gateau blaster!!




(Not new or original, but it always makes me chuckle. And in five years this is the first cake day I've managed to post on!)

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