A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess

So I took her to Paris.

We went to wonderful restaurants and stayed in an expensive hotel.

Then I crashed our car in a tunnel and she died.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get treated like a God

People leave me the fuck alone till they want something from me.

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess

So I arranged her marriage with Philip VI of Valois to strengthen the alliance with France.

Women treat me like a corndog

They want all the bread and none of the meat

At what time to people most commonly get dental injuries treated?

Two thirty.

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

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Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly

I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to shit on his chauffeur

President Trump treated Biden likely how he treats Melania.

He never lets either of them finish.

I went to the ophthalmologist to treat my color blindless.

But they treated me so poorly I saw grey all the way home.

A little kid with a speech impediment goes trick or treating.

He walks up to the door and knocks. A woman answers the door and the kid says "bick or beat".

"What did you say", replies the woman.

The kids repeats, "bick or beat".

"Oh, you mean trick or treat", says the woman as the kid nods in response.

"What are you dressed as", as...

The problem with treating mental health

Is that it's all in your head.

I told a knock knock joke while trick or treating last Halloween

I only got a couple Snickers

What's a calendar's favorite treat?

Dates!


(My first time posting here, but I was snacking on dates and this came to my mind)

How does a deaf gynecologist treat patients?

They read lips

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

And name it ElonGates

I went trick or treating in the red light district.

All I got was tricks.

It’s going to be dangerous to trick-or-treat this Halloween due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The only way you’re getting candy from a stranger this year is by putting on a mask and going to the grocery store.

Today a large shipment of Chinese dumplings was thrown to the ground and smashed into crumbs by vandals who are unhappy with a change in the savory treat's recipe.

Local officials are said to be appalled by the wonton destruction.

My Girlfriend said last night, "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!".

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

How many doctors does it take to treat Trump for Covid-19?

11.

One to actually treat the President, and 10 more to hold a press conference about it.

Why do skeletons never go trick or treating?

They have no body to go with

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

My wife treats me as if I'm a god.

She acts like I don't exist until she wants something.

I treat my money like I treat my girlfriend

With imagination

A doctor wanted to treat 3 mad men...

He asked the 1st mad man: 3+3,
He replied : 2,500
You are really mad, said the doctor.
The 2nd mad man replied : 3+3 = Wednesday
You are not far from death, said the doctor
The 3rd mad man answered: 3+3=6,
BRAVO! How did you get the answer? The Doctor asked
He replied : I divide...

The doctor on the radio said to treat your face mask like you do your underwear

So I turn in inside out every day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Treat others how you want to be treated.

If the phrase goes, “treat others how you want to be treated”, my dad is one kinky motherfucker.

I treat my woman like how I treat a fart

I don't let them out

One time my friend said to treat him like a god...

So now I only talk to him when I need a favor.

Trump said that he’ll treat the US like a business

***So he bankrupted it***

My mother-in-law moved in with us, I told her to treat the house like it was her own...

so she sold it

"I want to be treated like a queen", she said.

So after the pope refused an annulment I accused her of heresy and had her beheaded.

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

My girlfriend thinks I treat our relationship like a game

Unfortunately that cost her 37 points

(Disclaimer: this isn’t my original joke, it’s from some mobile game I used to play)

A penguin is on a long-deserved vacation from the zoo.

He decides to take a road trip out west, where his car breaks down. Luckily, it's right in front of a mechanic in town.

He drops the car off and tells the mechanic he's going to get some lunch. Its a really hot day, so after eating he stops by the ice cream shop for a little treat.

...

Treat others how you would like to be treated.

And they will tell you to take out the ball gag and stop sodomizing them.

Did you hear how they treated the guy who was choking on his beer?

Gave him the Heineken maneuver.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Buying cat treats at Walmart today

TRUE STORY. I went to Walmart today for cat treats, they were out of human food. As I stood in line some lady made a smartass remark to me for coming to the store just for cat treats. I told the lady I had to fatten up my cats before I eat them because all you assholes are hoarding the food. Her lit...

My wife says I treat her like a goddess

Every meal is a burnt offering.

My wife said that I treat her like “property”... That’s completely absurd.

I love it more than anything in the world!

I like to treat my body like a temple...

I give it whatever it wants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get what you fucking deserve! *BANG*

I treat relationships like math problems

Once I get confused I start cheating.

What do you get when you cross a dog and some explosives?

A treat seeking missile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend treats my dick like COVID-19

She didn't care about it until I gave it to her mom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've finally treated myself to one of those new exercise smartwatches.

So far I've wanked 15 miles

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

I wish women would stop asking me to treat them like princesses.

My alliances are strong and their heirs are betrothed.

If you 're asking your friend if they have autism, you should treat it just like asking a pregnant woman.

Don't ask unless you're sure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The secret to a good love life is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these women never, ever meet each other.

My friend asked me if I suck all the toes or just the big one

I told him I treat all toes fairly, I just don’t wanna start off on the wrong foot.

If you become a pilot, treat your plane like your woman

You get in them 5 times a day and take them to Heaven and back

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it. Patient: What's the cure?

Doctor: It's an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith. But let's try to stay focused.

In the army they taught us to treat our women with duty and honor

But never get duty honor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's appalling how society treats people who don't like butter.

Margarinalized.

My girlfriend dumped me for an indian

At least I know he's going to treat her good, I heard they worship cows

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctors in New York have come up with a cocktail of drugs to treat symptoms in patients with Coronavirus..

They’re calling it The Manhattan.

During these uncertain times, it is important to remember that we are all still human beings and we should treat each other in a polite and respectful manner. If I come within 6' of you, just politely remind me about social distancing.

None of this, "I have a restraining order, creep!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandfather was treated very poorly by Nazi's during World War II

Time and time again those bastards screwed him out of a promotion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jersey Girl

A girl says to her date, "You're in for a real treat. I've been told that I have a body like New Jersey."

So, her date grabs her waist and asks, "What's this?"

She replies "Middlesex."

He grabs her butt and asks "what's this?"

She replies “Freehold.”

Then he g...

Two Filipino kids go trick or treating on Halloween...

...At the first house they go up to, a lady answers the door.

She says, "oh how cute are you two? Let me guess what you are..."

To the first kid she says, "With your tiara and wand, you must be a princess?"

the first kid says, "Yes! I am a princess!"

The lady says to the ...

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

Italian Anniversary

At the church's husbands' marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th
wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to
stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I've-a tried ...

How do you treat a sick chemist?

If you can't curium and you can't helium, you might as well barium.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

A groom ran out during his wedding...

His heart wasn’t in the relationship anymore and he couldn’t go through with it, so he ran out just before the vows.

The wedding party, along with everyone in attendance, was in shock.

The bride’s father convinced everyone that since he already paid for the reception, everyone should...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My coworker treat me like a god

when some shit happen, they crucify me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say Hitler used potatoes to treat his genital warts...

Talk about a Dictator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes to see a doctor about a life-long affliction... (long)

Man (In a raspy, hoarse voice): Doctor, you have to help me, as you can hear, my voice is hoarse and I can barely speak because it hurts too much. It's been like this since I was a teenager. I can't find work, can't talk with friends, or meet a woman. It's ruining my life. Can you help me?
...

A man decides to treat himself one day and buys a ticket to the Superbowl.

He bought the ticket the day of and got a seat in the nosebleeds. He arrived a little late to the game and as he was entering the stadium he noticed a man with an empty seat right behind his teams bench. Ever the opportunist he walks over and asks the man if the seat's taken.

"It isn't actual...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My shop class teacher told me this one.

A physics teacher, an engineering teacher, and a shop class teacher all get on a plane.

As they're getting comfortable, the pilot comes in over the intercom. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen," he says, "I understand we have some teachers on our flight. We've got a special treat for them: ...

A woman treated her dry hair

A woman treated her dry hair with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave a smell, she washed her hair with shampoo several times. That night, in bed, she asked her husband, "Do I smell like Olive Oil?" He sniffed a little and replied "Why? Do I smell like Popeye?"

Wife : Why don’t you treat me like when I was your girlfriend?

Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant. Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast

Your car in heaven....

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will...

Groundbreaking new studies reveal that cannabis can be used to treat both erectile dysfunction in men and infertility in women.

Humanity can now reproduce by budding.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

An Australian ventriloquist is visiting Afghanistan.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"


Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."


Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how'...

I just got off my shift working on a drilling rig

that is taking core samples looking for gold. My family is out of town right now, so I came home, showered and decided that I would, all by my lonesome, go trick-or-treating.

I'll be dressed up as an unaccompanied miner.

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

A girl I am dating said, "I expect to be treated like a Disney Princess."

So I told her to pretend she is the Little Mermaid and stop talking.

There were once two people.

Eim and Ep.

One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Eim requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will tr...

What did doctor do to treat a man’s invisibility?

He took him to the ICU

Sorry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Justin Wilson joke

An old, crotchety farmer woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. The man clutched his chest and fumbled for the telephone to call an ambulance, fearing that he was having a heart attack.

Upon arriving at the hospital, the man, stable but still in quite a bit of pain, was greeted ...

Just as I thought all the trick or treaters were gone for the night, a 12 year old boy came to my door dressed in all red....

Instead of saying trick or treat he told me “I’m your period, sorry I’m late”

Jim Bob Trains A Parrot

Jim Bob is walking to work and passes a pet store. There is a new parrot on a perch outside of a pet store.

“Squawk! Hello handsome!” Said the bird to Jim Bob.
Jim Bob smiles and goes inside to buy the bird.

“$1000 dollars” said the owner. Jim Bob doesn’t have the money but the ow...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy suffering from banging headaches, finally gets to see a specialist after baffling doctors for years.

He explains to the specialist that for years now he has been suffering from banging headaches, and everything he has tried so far has no impact on the headaches at all.

The specialist carries out an examination, pokes and prods around a bit and has an idea. He runs a couple tests to be sure, ...

My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child.

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A women sued the hospital...

*A woman had sued her local hospital saying that after* *they treated her husband recently he had lost all interest in sex.*


*A hospital spokesman replied, the man was admitted in Ophthalmology.*


*All we did was correct his eyesight.*

[Long] A man goes into a hotel with a built-in restaurant

He checks in, goes to his room to read, then he goes to the restaurant and sits on one of the central tables.

He then orders the meal and waits for it, but he also notices that the waiter seems to always serve guests who are sitting near the room's walls.

The man gets a bit irritated...

My wife told me that she is going to leave me unless I stop treating everything like it's a joke...

With a sombre look on my face, I nodded my head and told her to take a seat so we could have a serious conversation about it as adults.

That's when I pulled her chair.

I went to the psychologist to treat my big ego

I think it worked, I'm feeling much better than all of you today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.

At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?"

The wife asks, "How does he know you?"

Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."

Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"

Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team."

Next a stri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is sometimes challenging. We all need to treat it like dogs do.

If you cant play with it or eat it, piss on it and walk away

I think it's just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong

especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de France races while competing on drugs. When I'm on drugs, I can't even find my bike.

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