I’m not a racist. I treat every race equally

Even the bad ones

If you haven't been to church in a long time, does Jesus treat you like your mom when you sneak home after curfew...?

"***My*** Father and I were worried sick!"

After a very successful heist, a thief treats his two close friends to a sumptuous meal at a fancy restaurant.

Friend A: "You've walked away with millions?? By stealing from a printer company? How on earth did you pull that off??!"

Friend B: "You must've had to drive out an entire truckload of printers to make that much!"

Thief: "It was actually a lot easier than that. I just walked out with al...

A kid with a speech impediment is trick or treating on Halloween...

At his last door a nice elderly lady opens it and he says the traditional " Bick or beat!" She replied "Oh what do we have hear what are you dressed as little boy?" He proudly replied "I'm a Birate!"
"Oh you're a Pirate!" She responds "Well where are your Buckaneers?" He scowls at the lady and ...

People treat me like a god

They remember i exist, only when they want something.

To celebrate my cake cay I treated myself to a new stereo made of cake...

It's a gateau blaster!!




(Not new or original, but it always makes me chuckle. And in five years this is the first cake day I've managed to post on!)

No matter how good you treat your dog

They will always say they have it ruff

What do you call a buff guy who predicts the weather and can treat a UTI?

A meaty urologist.





BONUS (courtesy of my girlfriend)



What do call someone who's available 24/7 and treats cancer?

An always oncologist.

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

What do you call a mean old scientist and the grandson he treats badly?

Prick & Morty!

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

What type of doctor treats tumors and is available 24/7?

An Oncallogist

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

A Sesame Street treat...[this joke sucks]

"Ernie, do you want some ice cream?"

"Sherbert."

What’s a catholic priests favorite Easter treat...

Lil’ Peeps

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess

So I took her to Paris.

We went to wonderful restaurants and stayed in an expensive hotel.

Then I crashed our car in a tunnel and she died.

My wife has been treating me like a god lately...

Ignoring my existence, unless she needs something from me

I treat everyday like I'm running a marathon tomorrow...

I load up carbs, rest and don't run.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A zookeeper walks into a bar

A zookeeper walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Damn it's been a hell of a day. Some idiot visitor tossed a cigarette lighter into the monkey cage. We had a hell of a time getting it away from them. Every time we went near the cage they'd start throwing feces at us, which wasn't that bad, til they ...

Hey girl I want to treat you like a trump-loving Christian treats Jesus.

Come over to your dad’s house on the weekend to drink your wine and eat your body, then act like I’ve never heard of you for the rest of the week.

A co worker accuses a wife of treating her husband "like a dog"

The wife was a not a native English speaker. So she responded "That is not true! I love dogs!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now that generic versions of Viagra are available, there are several low-cost options to treat erectile dysfunction.

Ask your doctor if coxaphlopin is right for you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took Viagra to treat my sunburn.

I didn't work but at least it keeps the sheets off my legs.

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

There was once a boy

Forgive me for my bad english, its my second language. Feel free to give corrections if there are any

There was once a boy who treats everyone garbage, making fun of someone by who they are in the outside. His mother didn’t approve this behavior and told to his son that it was not right to ri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Scotsman

A Scotsman and his wife walk past a swanky new restaurant. “Did you smell that?” she asked her husband. “It smells absolutely incredible!” Being a “kind-hearted Scotsman,” he thought “what the hell…I’ll treat her!”

So, they walked past the place again!

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

President Trump treated Biden likely how he treats Melania.

He never lets either of them finish.

My Girlfriend said last night, "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!".

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get treated like a God

People leave me the fuck alone till they want something from me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dyre Predicament

"So kind of you to cruise by, Superman. How are the kryptonite shackles treating you?"

"You won't get away with this! Who are you anyway? I've never fought you."

"Oh, that's because I'm not a villain. And I intend to keep it that way, which brings me to the nature of today's exercise...

You know, I think Nature has a humiliation kink

The worse we treat it, the hotter it gets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mike Tyson is a jerk

Alright, so Mike Tyson is kind of a dick. He treats all the people around him like shit. His friends, his family, etc. One day, he goes to a restaurant and just refuses to tip his waitress. Little does he know, the waitress was actually a witch. To get revenge, the witch conjures up a spirit to curs...

My wife treats me as if I'm a god.

She acts like I don't exist until she wants something.

Why did the skeleton not go trick-or-treating?

He had no body to go with

On Halloween, a man and his son came to my house to trick or treat

I asked them what they were both dressed up as and the man said he was dressed as Predator from the movie. As I gave the man some candy, I asked his son what he was dressed as although they were wearing the same thing and he said he was a child predator.

As I gave him some candy I thought wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly

I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to shit on his chauffeur

My body is a temple.

And I treat it as if I was a late 19th century archeologist.

What treat is never on time?

Choco-Late.

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.

A pharmacist comes back from his lunch break

He finds his assistant standing by a customer who seems very tense.
“What’s wrong with this man?” The pharmacist asks his assistant.
“He has a terrible cough!” The assistant replied. “And there was no cough medicine so I prescribed him laxatives instead.”

The customer gives a soft gr...

Women treat me like a corndog

They want all the bread and none of the meat

I went to the ophthalmologist to treat my color blindless.

But they treated me so poorly I saw grey all the way home.

Little Johnny goes trick-or-treating by himself dressed as a pirate...

One of the many houses he visits, was an elderly lady in town. He rings the door bell and the lady opens the door.

Johnny: Trick or treat!

Lady: Ohhhh your a cute little pirate! But, where’s your buccaneers?

Johnny: *Sighs and points to his ears* They’re right here! Where’s you...

How does a deaf gynecologist treat patients?

They read lips

What's a calendar's favorite treat?

Dates!


(My first time posting here, but I was snacking on dates and this came to my mind)

At what time to people most commonly get dental injuries treated?

Two thirty.

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A child crashes his bike in front of a church

The priest see's this and bring the boy inside to treat him. The boy having a concussion stays the night in the church. In the middle of the night he hears a blood curling scream. The next morning he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a...

It was cold and pouring with rain, but the boy's mother insisted he go to the barn and feed the animals before he could have breakfast.

The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs.

When he got back inside his mother was furious.

"How dare you!" she fumed. "I saw what you did! You get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow ...

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of pet shop is this?

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

Never treat a woman like an object...

It hates that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Englishman was sitting in his barn then a welshman came

Englishman: ‟That your dog?”

Welshman: ‟Yep.”

Englishman: ‟Mind if I speak to him?”

Welshman: ‟Dog dont talk But.”

Englishman: ‟Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: ‟Doin’ all right.”

Welshman: (Look of shock!)

Englishman: ‟Is this Welshman your owner?” (Po...

It’s going to be dangerous to trick-or-treat this Halloween due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The only way you’re getting candy from a stranger this year is by putting on a mask and going to the grocery store.

A little kid with a speech impediment goes trick or treating.

He walks up to the door and knocks. A woman answers the door and the kid says "bick or beat".

"What did you say", replies the woman.

The kids repeats, "bick or beat".

"Oh, you mean trick or treat", says the woman as the kid nods in response.

"What are you dressed as", as...

I told a knock knock joke while trick or treating last Halloween

I only got a couple Snickers

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Doctor, a Lawyer, and an Engineer ... and the Taliban.

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were waiting to be guillotined by the Taliban.

They tested it by chopping off the head of a goat. They dragged over the doctor. "Do you have anything to say?" "Why kill me? I'm a doctor. I can treat your sick and injured." "Off with his head!" shouted the m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was the 4th grade teacher’s birthday and all the kids brought in presents.

The teacher was a little worried about Billy’s present though because his father owned a vodka distillery. And ask Billy ever talked about was his father’s business; how vodka was made, what made vodka the best liquor etc. So she has a bad feeling she knew what Billy’s gift would be.

Finally...

The doctor on the radio said to treat your face mask like you do your underwear

So I turn in inside out every day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get what you fucking deserve! *BANG*

I treat my money like I treat my girlfriend

With imagination

Today a large shipment of Chinese dumplings was thrown to the ground and smashed into crumbs by vandals who are unhappy with a change in the savory treat's recipe.

Local officials are said to be appalled by the wonton destruction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Buying cat treats at Walmart today

TRUE STORY. I went to Walmart today for cat treats, they were out of human food. As I stood in line some lady made a smartass remark to me for coming to the store just for cat treats. I told the lady I had to fatten up my cats before I eat them because all you assholes are hoarding the food. Her lit...

The problem with treating mental health

Is that it's all in your head.

How many doctors does it take to treat Trump for Covid-19?

11.

One to actually treat the President, and 10 more to hold a press conference about it.

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

One time my friend said to treat him like a god...

So now I only talk to him when I need a favor.

< Healing >



A guy in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee. The guy looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress
nodded "yes," so the guy requested that she give Jesus a cup of
coffee...

Why do skeletons never go trick or treating?

They have no body to go with

I went trick or treating in the red light district.

All I got was tricks.

A doctor wanted to treat 3 mad men...

He asked the 1st mad man: 3+3,
He replied : 2,500
You are really mad, said the doctor.
The 2nd mad man replied : 3+3 = Wednesday
You are not far from death, said the doctor
The 3rd mad man answered: 3+3=6,
BRAVO! How did you get the answer? The Doctor asked
He replied : I divide...

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

why didnt the fat kid go trick or treating?

he was afraid he would get some snickers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde...

To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch ...

My girlfriend thinks I treat our relationship like a game

Unfortunately that cost her 37 points

(Disclaimer: this isn’t my original joke, it’s from some mobile game I used to play)

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japan, Korea, and China go trick or treating.

Japan and Korea receive candy while China gets opium.



Britain was at the door.

Credit to u/TheSnipenieer for the inspirational post.

My wife says I treat her like a goddess

Every meal is a burnt offering.

My mother-in-law moved in with us, I told her to treat the house like it was her own...

so she sold it

My wife said that I treat her like “property”... That’s completely absurd.

I love it more than anything in the world!

How do you treat a sick chemist?

If you can't curium and you can't helium, you might as well barium.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The secret to a good love life is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these women never, ever meet each other.

Trump said that he’ll treat the US like a business

***So he bankrupted it***

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at the hospital in a coma.

The doctor steps into the hall to have a talk with the husband.

Doc: I am so sorry sir, but we have run out of options and will need to pull the plug.

Husband: Please don't doc. I love her. Are you sure there is nothing else you can do?

Doc: At this point, we have tried every ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.

At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?"

The wife asks, "How does he know you?"

Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."

Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"

Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team."

Next a stri...

I like to treat my body like a temple...

I give it whatever it wants.

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child.

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

Treat others how you would like to be treated.

And they will tell you to take out the ball gag and stop sodomizing them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man was walking down the street

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog.
They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic.

The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the do...

A man decides to treat himself one day and buys a ticket to the Superbowl.

He bought the ticket the day of and got a seat in the nosebleeds. He arrived a little late to the game and as he was entering the stadium he noticed a man with an empty seat right behind his teams bench. Ever the opportunist he walks over and asks the man if the seat's taken.

"It isn't actual...

Did you hear how they treated the guy who was choking on his beer?

Gave him the Heineken maneuver.

"I want to be treated like a queen", she said.

So after the pope refused an annulment I accused her of heresy and had her beheaded.

Wife : Why don’t you treat me like when I was your girlfriend?

Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant. Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.

So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid aga...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've finally treated myself to one of those new exercise smartwatches.

So far I've wanked 15 miles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend treats my dick like COVID-19

She didn't care about it until I gave it to her mom

If you 're asking your friend if they have autism, you should treat it just like asking a pregnant woman.

Don't ask unless you're sure.

I returned to the genie and asked him why he turned me into a 11ft giant who gets his backside wiped every time he farts.

He said, "You wished to live longer and be treated like royalty."

Freud, Darwin and the Pope walked into a bar.

Sitting on the counter is a weird, creepy statue. As they walk in, it's eyes seem to follow them.
They approach the bar, and to their shock the statue speaks. "Enjoy your beverages, mortals."

The three are stunned for a moment.
Darwin recovers first.
"This obviously is a product of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've started using Viagra to treat my sunburn.

It doesn't do anything for the burns, but it does a good job of keeping the sheets off my legs.

Inner ear issues in newborns can be caught early and treated in a variety of ways

It’s no longer a deaf sentence

I was referred to a doctor with chronic back pain.

I hope he's still able to treat me.

If you become a pilot, treat your plane like your woman

You get in them 5 times a day and take them to Heaven and back

I treat relationships like math problems

Once I get confused I start cheating.

In the army they taught us to treat our women with duty and honor

But never get duty honor

My wife says SHE is the main breadwinner and I need to treat her like SHE is the man of the house…

So I divorced her and took the house. (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

One day in April, three blondes died at the same time and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"All three of you have sinned your whole lives," said St. Peter. "Normally, I would send you straight to hell. But since it's near Easter, if you can tell me what Easter is, I will let you into heaven."

"I know what Easter is!" said the first blonde. "Easter is when you dress up as something ...

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My coworker treat me like a god

when some shit happen, they crucify me

A woman brought her husband to a doctor to try to cure his snoring problem.

Dr.: "it is possible to treat, but it will cost you a lot of money."

Woman: "that's fine, how much will it cost?"

Dr.: "$20,000 down payment, and $250 in monthly intervals for a year."

Woman: "woah, its almost like im buying a sports car!!"

Dr.: "hmm... too obvious, huh?"

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it. Patient: What's the cure?

Doctor: It's an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith. But let's try to stay focused.

I wish women would stop asking me to treat them like princesses.

My alliances are strong and their heirs are betrothed.

Girls treat me like God

They mostly forget I exist until they need help from me.

Fifty Dollahs Is Fifty Dollahs

Herman and Zelda meet, fall in love, and marry. They're a young couple without much money, but lots of love between them. Every summer, they make a point to attend the county fair because they love walking hand in hand and exploring the attractions. And every summer, there's a helicopter ride at the...

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