UPJOKE
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The quickest way for a dad to get a child’s attention

is to sit down and look comfortable.

I was struggling to get my wife's attention

So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick

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The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention..

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret.

Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome...
AI Image Generator

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

What's the best way to get a perverts attention?

Put an nsfw tag on your post.

How do you get a country girl's attention?

A tractor.

How do you grab the attention of a pervert?

An NSFW tag

I stopped paying attention to movie reviews after critics raved about The Green Mile.

Great concept, but terrible execution.

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Obama says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I thin...

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A barbarian slave in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter

They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.

Eventually, though, he was gladiator.

I have the attention of a goldfish

Seriously, its been watching me for hours

Attention! Dos Equis is a scam! Do not order!

Every time I've asked for it they've only given me one.

I asked 7 famous supermodels “what is the key to a guy getting your attention?” And they all said the same thing.

“Who are you and what are you doing in my house?”

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What's the scientific name for a child who grew up with parents that never gave them attention?

Homoneglectus.

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The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pay Attention:

First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities ...

My wife asked me for my undivided attention.

So I gave her 0 attention.

Which monster is best at paying attention to a speech?

Mummies. They sit there rapt.

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention

So she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If yo...

My boss said I’m a worker worth paying attention to

Unfortunately, he said it to the security guard.

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Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

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An Old Man Get's The Attention Of The IRS For Some Suspicious Activities

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

What do you call someone who has never paid attention to ants?

Ignorant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hold him, he need some attention.

Herb decided to propose to Jill, but prior to her acceptance; Jill felt she had to confess to her man that she suffered from a condition that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

Herb said that it was okay because he loved her so much. However, Herb felt this was also the tim...

What do Shakespeare and attention seekers have in common?

They're great at creating drama and much ado about nothing.

I have a talent for noticing insults resulting from a failure to show someone proper respect or attention.

I'm a slightseer.

How does a farmer gain the attention of a woman?

A tractor.

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My attention span is as long as my dick.

What was I talking about?

Attention! Is there a Doctor on the Plane?!

I am a doctor.

-Please help him!!

But I'm a Pathologist.

-But he's dying!

Don't worry, I can wait.

I’ve always believed that a good speech is like a girls mini skirt…

... Short enough to get everyone's attention and long enough to cover the most important bits!!

I just heard that they are making new tvs for people with short attention spans.

its gonna have 20x as many pixels as 4k.


It's called 80HD.

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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way."
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the da...

Brittney Griner had been traded for Viktor Bout

This is the first WNBA trade that I paid attention to.

Attention

I'm such an introvert that if I ever have to draw attention I draw it on paper

Attention all officers!

Attention all officers! It is now October 5th. Over.

*10-4, over*

What do you call a Norse god who doesn't draw much attention to themselves?

Low Key.......!

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

They say if you want to get someone’s attention, whisper.

My friend tried that, he drowned.

Attention ladies "BLACK FRIDAY SALE"

My house.

You And Me...All Clothes 100% Off.

What chord must you play to get R. Kelly's attention?

B-minor.


I will see myself out.

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

How did the Silver bar get the Gold bar's attention?

Au

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

A young pastor sought advice from a retired clergyman on how to capture the attention of his congregation during his first sermon.

The experienced pastor suggested he start with an attention-grabbing opening line like, "Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife." He smiled at the younger man's shocked expression before adding, 'She was my mother.'

The following Sunday, the y...

How do Vikings get each other's attention?

They ValHolla!

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

Two ladies in a pub in attract the attention of a fellow down the bar with their accents.

Two ladies in a pub in attract the attention of a fellow down the bar with their accents.

"Ah, tourists eh? Do you girls want to hear a joke about Scotland?"

"It's Wales actually."

"Alright. Do you whales want to hear a joke about Scotland?"

Attention Nerds!

It would be so much easier if humans came with an error message just like computers do.
Imagine sitting in a restaurant and failing miserably at flirting with the waitress.
"Warning! Error establishing connection with the Server"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For everyone's attention, having anal sex will get you a lifetime ban from Iceland

Tonight I try my luck in Tesco

What happens when you lose you attention span in school

You gain your detention span

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My butt really hurts and I keep trying to get peoples attention but no one will listen.

I think I have Ahemorrhoids

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to a nude beach today and let me tell you- I had a lot of women’s attention.

I could just feel them dressing me with their eyes.

EVERYBODY pay attention to 0x55!

This means U!

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A soldier returns home to his wife after a year-long deployment overseas.

He wants to show her how he managed to go a year without having sex with anybody else. "So how did you do it?" she asks.

"I trained my dick to respond to drill commands like so." He undoes his belt and drops his trousers. "Dick, ten-HUT!"

His penis springs straight up, erect and raring...

A man isn't paying attention when crossing the street

A man isn't paying attention when crossing the street and gets hit by a red lorry, a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.

A policeman is despatched to inform the unfortunate man's family:

"There's no easy way to say this..."

Screenwriters are very attention seeking.

After all, they cause a lot of scenes.

A good way to get a girls attention is to compliment her

As in: "You are a fast runner, you nearly got away."

What is your best Chuck Norris joke(I’ll start)

Chuck Norris doesn’t pay attention, attention pays Chuck Norris

To people who purposely mispronounce people's names for attention, stop it.

You're making a Sean.

My daughter's skirt was getting a lot of attention as I walked her to the school gates, which made me very uneasy.

If I'm being honest, I thought it really suited me.

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Edit: oh wow, this was my first time karma whoring on my cake day and I honestly wasn’t expecting this much attention. Thank you for all the awards and sorry if I didn’t respond to all the messages.

Shoutout to u/sse2k for “letting” me repost his joke.

What do you call an attention deficit French vampire?

Drac...Ooh La La!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one ...

Attention r/jokes

Beginning January 20th, 2017, the real joke will no longer be found in the comments. It'll be found in the White House.

I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.




Edit: Considering the attention, I should attribute this to the great Emo Phillips:

"People come up to me concerned... I'll reproduce"

"People come up to me and ask, Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"I len...

People don't even pay attention

I bet you $13456324567 dollars you didn't read that number. You just skipped right over it. You didn't even realize I put a letter in it. No I didn't but you went back and looked.

Have a good day!!

How did the pirate get the wenches attention?

Yo ho!

What’s the most attention grabbing way to advertise a political candidate?

Poll dancing

I'm a paranoid attention seeker.

I always think someone isn't talking about me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a girl asks you "Does my butt looks big in this?" That is her way of asking you to set the difficulty for the evening...

Easy mode: Of course not honey, you look wonderful.

Medium mode: Hmm, maybe try a different pair of pants.

Hard mode: Yes, but it looks big in anything.

Impossible mode: Yes, but on the bright side, it draws attention away from your face.

How do you get gold’s attention?

“Aayyyy yoouuu!!”

My teacher told me to "pay attention"

And I say "sorry, my student loans don't cover it"

A man and his wife were having a drink when a drunk from the next table yells, “Attention please!”

And lets out a gigantic fart.

The man angrily says, “What the hell do you think you are doing? Did you know you just farted before my wife?”

The drunk says, “My apologies sir. I had no idea it was her turn.”

I finally got the attention of a hot girl

That's the joke.

I hate it when attention-seeking people announce their cake day

Well, I hate myself

An underage weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."

The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"

The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"

"Pop," goes the wease...

One thing I do to get attention

Wear my Michael Vick jersey to the dog park

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.
...

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather ...

How do you get Lady Gaga’s attention?

You Poke Her Face

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Snow.

Snow is like a penis.

It's measured in inches and soft to the touch.

It cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it.

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy, if you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you.....

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

My wife found a new way to get ne to pay attention

She says "the motorcycles trash needs to be taken out" or "the boats clothes need to make it into the hamper" or "this weekend card game I'm taking the kids to my parents and filing for a divorce"

I checked the bike and the boat and wanted to tell her they're all set before the card game but ...

What did the really annoying, attention craving person say?

"This"

TIL the next Star Wars movie will debut a new droid with a comically-short attention span.

Its name is 80-HD

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

It absolutely bothers me when some attention seeking people make posts and comments indicating that it's it their cake day just so that people wish them.

I'm just glad I'm not one of those people

My wife says I never pay attention to her...

... at least I think that's what she said.

Always Pay Attention!

After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.
Then the Nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear:
"Who was that?”

Attention everyone, you must now grow up.

No one can be a Toys R' Us kid anymore.

Used to know this guy who always tried to draw attention to the fact he was half-horse.

Never could stop being the centaur of attention.

I'm thinking of changing my name to Attention

so i can get paid

What do seals do when they need medical attention?

Sea kelp

Allways pay attention when you're working around propellers

If you don't, you'll be mist.

I finally got the attention of my crush

But... I’m not sure if I still want that date...

Like really she overreacted like she’s one of the crazy ones! She even called the police. I just asked for her number and brought her a cup of her favorite coffee!

I mean I would LOVE for someone to wake me up with coffee, a kiss to my f...

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