This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth.

The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls.

He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this."

The...

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Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

I'm a paranoid attention seeker.

I always think someone isn't talking about me.

So .. A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention

so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see t...

A man places some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and starts back toward his car when his attention is diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seems to be praying with profound intensity and keeps repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

​

The first man approaches him and says, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve eve...

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The Black Hole is getting too much attention...

Uranus is missing out...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome op...

What chord do you play to get R. Kelly's attention?

B Minor.

​

I'll see myself out...

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

My wife does not believe me, but I swear I never see her trying to get my attention to help in the kitchen.

She microwaves.

Man people have really short attention span for Avengers: Endgame

It's a twenty second movie after all.

I finally got the attention of a hot girl

That's the joke.

Attention Nerds!

It would be so much easier if humans came with an error message just like computers do.
Imagine sitting in a restaurant and failing miserably at flirting with the waitress.
"Warning! Error establishing connection with the Server"

The best way to get a girl's attention is to compliment her

As in "WOW! You're a fast runner, you nearly got away!"

I drove into a car at some traffic lights whilst not really paying attention

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He looked up to me and said, “I’m not happy,”

“Well, which one are you then?” I replied.

A government run initiative to restore the male geese population is getting a lot of media attention...

Critics are referring to it as proper gander.

People don't even pay attention

I bet you $13456324567 dollars you didn't read that number. You just skipped right over it. You didn't even realize I put a letter in it. No I didn't but you went back and looked.

Have a good day!!

How do you get gold’s attention?

“Aayyyy yoouuu!!”

One day in class, the math teacher Mrs. Brown noticed that Little Johnny was not paying attention to what she was saying...

So she called Little Johnny to recite in class.

"Little Johnny, answer this math question," she said. "If you have 500 dollars and you gave 100 dollars to Susie and gave 100 dollars to Jeannie and gave 100 dollars to Mary Ann, what do you have ?"

"An orgy," answered Little Johnny.

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What did the leader of the team of strippers say to get everyone’s attention?

Alright team, all hands on dick.

Baby Boomers grow up around a lot of lead paint. Lead paint causes long term mental effects like antisocial behavior, short attention span, and reduced brain development.

And there we have explained Donald Trump

I finally got the attention of my crush

But... I’m not sure if I still want that date...

Like really she overreacted like she’s one of the crazy ones! She even called the police. I just asked for her number and brought her a cup of her favorite coffee!

I mean I would LOVE for someone to wake me up with coffee, a kiss to my f...

I get more attention on my reddit cake day than I do on my real birthday

Wait that's not funny.

What do you have if you've got a green ball in each hand?

The Hulk's undivided attention.

What do you yell at a bar of gold to get its attention?

A-U!

A boy with no legs tried to get attention from the baker across the street.

He loved the smell of pies wafting from the shop window, but since he had no legs, he cannot reach the baker.

So he wrote a message on a dollar note, folded it into a paper plane, and threw it across the street.

The baker turned his head and was surprised to see a paper dollar plane ...

Allways pay attention when you're working around propellers

If you don't, you'll be mist.

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said...

"Do you see that couple? How romantic they are. He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?

"I would love to." replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."

How do you grab the attention of a pervert?

A NSFW tag.

What news does an underwater welder pay the most attention to?

Current events.

One day in a Sunday school class, there was a girl happily paying attention during the teacher's lecture

but there was a boy behind her that kept poking her with a stick. During this, the teacher began to call on the girl and ask her questions.

Teacher: Who do we believe in?

*poke

Girl: God!

Teacher: Very good. Who died for our sins?

*poke

Girl: Jesus Christ!...

Potato's in glasses are never the centre of attention.

They're just spec taters

May I have your attention for a moment please? I have news to spread.

n e w s

A man and his wife were having a drink when a drunk from the next table yells, “Attention please!”

And lets out a gigantic fart.

The man angrily says, “What the hell do you think you are doing? Did you know you just farted before my wife?”

The drunk says, “My apologies sir. I had no idea it was her turn.”

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"You give your penis more attention than me!" said my wife.

I said, "No fucking shit. You don't give it any."

My head teacher started her assembly by saying "it came to my attention yesterday"

I really don't like being called "it"

My wife left me. She said It was because I never gave her any attention…

Or something like that? I can’t remember. I wasn’t listening.

So I was walking down the street one day, when an oddly dressed man caught my attention.

He was wearing a long, white, clinical robe and shouting at nearly everybody that came within his proximity. Having foolishly stopped out of curiosity he approached me. “Global Warming is having a drastic effect on the globes axis!”, he yelped. “The rotation of the Earth is speeding up dramatically,...

What do seals do when they need medical attention?

Sea kelp

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hold him, he need some attention.

Herb decided to propose to Jill, but prior to her acceptance; Jill felt she had to confess to her man that she suffered from a condition that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

Herb said that it was okay because he loved her so much. However, Herb felt this was also the tim...

With all the attention on preparing unusual foods in the smoker (hikory smoked mustard, maple smoked ice cream, etc.) I thought up a great idea for a smoked breakfast cereal.

We'll call them "Mesquite O's" the cereal with a bite! They'll leave you itching for more!

Do you think we can stir up some buzz about it?

I hate it when people publicly express their opinions needlessly, just seeking attention when nobody cares.

But that's just my opinion.

A suicide bomber is teaching a bombing class.

“Pay attention. I’m only going to do this once!”

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

A knight comes to the royal castle with a bag and asks for king's attention

He enters, and says "Your Majesty, I kept my word. Here's the head of the dragon!" and takes the head of the dragon out of the bag.

A royal advisor brings a bag to the king. The king replies "Well, then, I kept my word too. Here's the hand of the princess!"

You really have to pay attention in Jihad class

You only get one instructor and one demonstration.

Attention everyone, you must now grow up.

No one can be a Toys R' Us kid anymore.

Why do some photographers have such short attention spans?

Becuse they have a 80D

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

In my Horticulture class we were supposed to grow cucumbers, but I didn't pay attention to the lessons.

You could say I was in a pickle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I knew a girl in college who would sleep with guys for free Adderall.

She was a real attention whore.

Attention everyone: there is a national lettuce shortage

everyone please romaine calm

ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.

You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

Went to a nude beach today and let me tell you- I had a lot of women’s attention.

I could just feel them dressing me with their eyes.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remebered vegans feed off of attention.

I wasn't paying attention and almost drove my car right into the front of a store.

Although it's hard not to when you're driving through a shopping mall.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

She said "You pay more attention to that bloody computer than you do to me!"

I said "Well, yes. The computer goes down on me every once in a while."

Elon's opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention...

Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does someone who's looking for attention say when they get attention?

Edit: Holy shit this blew up! I will try to answer as much of these as possible.

"I need help with this crossword," yelled my girlfriend, almost in tears. "9 letters, another word for 'concentration'.

I think she's seeking attention.

As a vet, attention to detail is vital.

However, attention to de rest of de animal is important too.

I snapped my fingers to get a waiter's attention.

Pretty stupid really, now I need surgery.

20 AMAZING Reasons Click Bait Still Works!

1. People are stupid enough to click things that grab their attention.

Jesus at the pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask ab...

I'm thinking of changing my name to Attention

so i can get paid

Attention: This is not a drill!

Its a screw driver

A man isn't paying attention when crossing the street

A man isn't paying attention when crossing the street and gets hit by a red lorry, a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.

A policeman is despatched to inform the unfortunate man's family:

"There's no easy way to say this..."

What do you shout at a hot Jewish woman to get her attention?

"Challah!"

I named my right fist "Attention."

Now my wife has finally stopped asking for it.

A girl wanted to attract the attention of her crush in school, James.

So the next day she came to school wearing heavily ostentatious makeup, attractive clothing barely close to the school's dress code, and is now making way towards James, who's talking to his friend Johnny.

"Hey guys", she addressed them.

As James looked towards her face, her clothes,...

Jimmy: "mommy mommy, at school they tell me that I don't pay attention to detail..."

woman: "jimmy, your house is two doors down"

My wife said that I need to pay more attention to what's going on around me.

So, in 2015, I'm going to try harder.

Please let us know if this restroom needs attention

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the mana...