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Attention Jokes

I’ve always believed that a good speech is like a girls mini skirt…

... Short enough to get everyone's attention and long enough to cover the most important bits!!

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

I've been struggling to get my wife's attention.

# So I sat down and got comfortable. . . that did the trick.

A gentleman had too much alcohol at a party.

He was heading home and was pulled over by a state trooper.


Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to m...

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A woman came crying to her husband and said,

“I was sitting on that park bench when that man over there walked up to me and said he wanted to fill my pussy with ice cream and eat it all up.”

Her husband says, “ok?”

Wife: Well aren’t you going to do something? Aren’t you going to go over there and teach him a lesson?

Husba...

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Yikes. I think my sister is getting divorce oddly related to detective comics…

So I’m visiting my sister and her family in San Diego. They live in a beautiful house about a block and a half from the beach. It’s beautiful there. Long expansive vistas and soft warm sand.

I’m staying at their house. John and Tracy. Real good folks, or at least I thought. It’s a bit late i...

How do you get a country girl's attention?

A tractor.

The quickest way for a dad to get a child’s attention

is to sit down and look comfortable.

Brittney Griner had been traded for Viktor Bout

This is the first WNBA trade that I paid attention to.

What do Shakespeare and attention seekers have in common?

They're great at creating drama and much ado about nothing.

A rabbit walks into an electronics store

He goes up to the counter and bangs his hands down hard on it to get the cashiers attention.

**\*BANG BANG\***
"I'd like two carrots please."

The cashier is naturally surprised by everything about this interaction, but being the professional that he is politely says, "I'm sorry, b...

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The Green Dickie!

A nymphomaniac just couldn't get enough pleasure. Not from any man, nor any of the many toys she had collected over the years.

One day, while having coffee with a girlfriend, she told her friend about this problem. Her friend knew exactly what she needed, and gave her the name of a ...

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A gorilla walks into a bar

He sits down on a bar stool and orders himself a gin-tonic. The bartender looks on in total surprise and gives him a gin-tonic. The gorilla drinks his glass completely empty and asks how much to pay. The bartender, still amazed, curious about what will happen next asks him for $20. The gorilla grope...

a change of careers

A gynecologist was bored with his job and decided he wanted a new career. He went back to college and decided to become a mechanic. After aching most of his courses, he found himself at the final exam. For his final exam, he has to rebuild an engine and reinstall it in the car. He completed the task...

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Snow.

Snow is like a penis.

It's measured in inches and soft to the touch.

It cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it.

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy, if you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you.....

Blonde goes up to a Soda Machine

A Blonde walks up to a Soda
Machine, puts in a quarter and as the drink falls out she laughs.

Again, she puts in a quarter and as the soda falls out she laughes

She does this again and again, laughing hysterically every time. Eventually, catching the attention of a group of strang...

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There once was a man named Dave…

… who lived alone in a small apartment. He was lonely and bored, so he decided to adopt a dog from the local shelter. He went there and saw many dogs of different breeds and sizes, but none of them caught his eye. Then he noticed a large, shaggy dog in the corner of the cage. It had long fur that co...

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My pharmacist mixed up my prescription for Ritalin with Viagra.

I tried to pay attention but it was really hard

I was shocked today when my wife told me that my son wasn’t really mine

I have GOT to pay more attention when I pick him up from school

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In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

Two old men sitting on a park bench

Two old men were sitting on a park bench watching the young women jog by. One jogger stops and gets upset at the attention. "Just who are you staring at, old man?" she asks.

He drops his head and apologizes saying "I'm sorry, but you remind me of my dear wife. She was a dark haired beauty jus...

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A blond and a lawyer are flying to Cleveland

The man asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

Bored, he persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you do...

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

[long] Grandpa tells his stories of his time in the war

Susie's fifth-grade class was studying history, and she got permission to bring her grandfather in to class so they could hear his stories of being a wartime fighter pilot over Germany.

"We were the best fighter squad, given all the most dangerous missions," he told them. "Once, Jerry caught ...

Little Johnny doing Math

The math teacher asks Little Johnny: “If I give you 3 cats, and then another 3 cats, and then again another 3 cats, how many cats would you have?”

Little Johnny responds: “ten.”

Teacher: “Ok… that’s not correct, let’s do this again. But pay attention this time. If I gave you 3 cats, a...

A young pastor sought advice from a retired clergyman on how to capture the attention of his congregation during his first sermon.

The experienced pastor suggested he start with an attention-grabbing opening line like, "Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife." He smiled at the younger man's shocked expression before adding, 'She was my mother.'

The following Sunday, the y...

A trainer at SeaWorld was in charge of keeping the dolphins healthy.

He would feed them, give them medical attention, make sure they were in good spirits. But he knew that the dolphins eventually were going to die. Well, he couldn't have that. After researching for days to no avail, he found an article written by a disgraced marine biologist about how dolphins could ...

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asse...

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I was driving down I-35 last Tuesday, not really paying attention, and I failed to notice that traffic had stopped. I slammed the brakes, but it was too late and I rear ended the vehicle in front of me.

A young woman stepped out of the car , scowled at me , and yelled "Well, ram me in the ass as hard as you can, why don't you?"

Later, I told the judge that this was the precise moment that the miscommunication began.

What is your best Chuck Norris joke(I’ll start)

Chuck Norris doesn’t pay attention, attention pays Chuck Norris

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
...

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

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Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club....

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a £10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note. She called the guy back , licks the £20 note, and sticks...

First attempt at writing a joke!

I started a new job this week.

On my first day it was my co-worker Frank's birthday; we gathered around his desk to sing happy birthday and share a cake.

Just as we finished singing the office door slammed open.

In strides a creature: upper body of a man, lower body of a hors...

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A guy goes to a hypnotherapist

- How much for a session?
- 1000$
- Oh, that way too much!
- This is not expensive at all
- This is not expensive at all, this is not expensive at all…

Two rednecks went to the beach

The younger of the two said "This sucks, man! None of the girls are even noticing me!"

His older friend said "I tell you what- maybe if you put a sock in your swim trunks, that would help get you some more attention."

So the younger boy went to the changing room and adjusted his swimw...

I recently went to visit my 80 year old uncle who lives on a very secluded farm in Michigan's upper peninsula.

I have not seen my uncle in over 20 years. It is a 10 hour drive to his house and he only leaves the farm for groceries or doctor’s appointments, and never ventures far. We spent hours chatting the entire evening, and finally went to bed after midnight.

Early the next morning my uncle prepar...

Which monster is best at paying attention to a speech?

Mummies. They sit there rapt.

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

"Drive that thing like you stole it!"

One Friday night, when I was a teenager getting ready to go out, my Dad handed me the car keys and said, "Have fun, son. And remember. Drive that thing like you stole it!"

Upset, my Mom immediately asked why he would say such a reckless thing to his teenager.

To which my Dad replied, "...

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There was an angry ape

Ever since it lost his mate, he has been mean, throwing feces, and acting aggressive toward staff and visitors.

Into this, a young apprentice zookeeper was thrown. For some reason, George the ape was taken by him. Maybe it was his thick beard.

So the man was waiting for his boss in ...

My wife asked me for my undivided attention.

So I gave her 0 attention.

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The Sexual Mosquito

A nymphomaniac woman was a regular at a sex shop, but after using their products for years she ended getting bored of the usual stuff. She asked the male cashier if there was something else out of the ordinary to try.
He suggest the Sexual Mosquito. That got her attention, so she asked on how t...

2 hunters, Bill and Tom, were out in the Blue Mountains one wintery day – looking for some feral game.

After nearly an entire day without a sighting they spotted a herd of feral goats and started stalking.

So excited & intent were they on their targets that one of them, Bill, didn't watch his footing and had the misfortune to trip and fall off a 12m cliff. Tom found him at the bottom in g...

A lawyer was sitting in his office when he noticed a man approaching

A lawyer was sitting in his office when he noticed a man approaching

To attract this man's attention, the lawyer picks up his phone and pretends to be on the phone with a client

The Lawyer: (On the phone) yes, sir, yeah....I told you I never lost a case in my career. Yeah, sure, why no...

A pair of hot twin sisters, one blonde, the other brunette get invited to a Halloween party.

A pair of hot twin sisters, one blonde, the other brunette get invited to a Halloween party. The theme is "snacks" so they decide to go as a pair of popular candy bars.
The party is a real blast and the brunette is having tons of fun, but the blonde is just kind of off to herself with no one giv...

I’m a funeral home director

People are always dying to get my attention

A Mime Goes To The Zoo...

The mime, who has been down on his luck, begins to perform his act in the middle of the zoo. Just as a small crowd is beginning to gather, a couple of zookeepers come by and escort him away.

The zookeepers bring the mime to see the head zookeeper, who admits to the mime that recently their m...

I was gutted yesterday when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

A secretary at the Kremlin is having a cigarette break besides the main entrance.

All of a sudden, the doors fly open and bursting out of the building comes a Russian Army general, muttering to himself:

"That idiotic, delusional, ridiculous old clown of a president! Why doesn't he just do us all a favour and throw himself out of a window?!"

The secretary thought to ...

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator and loudly announces, “I’ll place my genitals inside this alligator’s mouth…

…the gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed,” he says.

Now, he has the full attention of the bar!

Here’s the deal, he continues, “If this works, everyone buys me drinks.” There is a murmur among the patrons, and after a moment, they a...

I stopped paying attention to movie reviews after critics raved about The Green Mile.

Great concept, but terrible execution.

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A Billionaire’s Party

A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers. Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.

*"If you could all please direct your attention to the p...

Bad boy and good girl (long)

So a guy decides he wants to date this girl. He finds out that she's quite prudish but he's willing to look past that because she's really, really pretty. After constantly asking her, she finally agrees to go out with him. One date leads to another and soon they have a steady thing going. He wants ...

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever ...

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A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it…..

Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school.

“The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead” he says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable.

He then holds up a finger and says, “you must als...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Polish, Ukrainian and Russian babies get mixed up in the hospital

Now, parents are trying to figure out which baby belongs to which parent.

Ukrainian decides to go first and yells "Slava Ukraini!"

One baby immediately jumps up and pulls into the attention position.

Ukrainian knows that's their baby and picks it up.

Polish takes the sec...

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A 6 year old boy visits the zoo with his parents…

…where they stop to see the elephant. While the father’s in the restroom, the son notices one elephant has a rather large erection. Curious, he gets his mom’s attention.

“Mommy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “Oh, that’s its trunk honey.” “No, further back!” “Ah, you mean its tail!” ...

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Heavenly pleasure

Jimmy takes the bus to go to work every morning and there is always a beautiful nun sitting in the last row in her traditional costume who captures his attention. One day he gathers his courage and decides to hit on her. So he walks over and gives her some compliments but the nun just keeps looking ...

Carpet fitters

An attractive lady hires two carpet fitters to replace the carpet in her sitting room after her pet parrot had made a terrible mess of the old carpet.
The two carpet fitters were stereotypical blue collar workers but had enough respect not to make any lewd jokes or double entendre at her expense...

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A general inspects his troops

A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides to see for himself.

After reviewing the troops he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren't at the parade.

The general gets to the first...

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

A police officer is sitting in his cruiser watching for speeding cars.

He sees a car puttering along at 10 km/hr and thinks "this car is almost as dangerous as a speeder" and pulls them over.

As he walks up to the car and little of lady driving rolls down the window and asks "is there something wrong officer?"

"Well, yes" says the cop "why are you driving...

A mother is helping her son study physics

She asked him "Do you know Newton?"
He said no.

She said " if you had been paying attention to your lessons, you would have known him."

The son asked her " do you know Rachel?"
She said no.

He said " if you had been paying attention to your husband, you would have known he...

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A suicidal man

had enough of being unhappy and decided to jump off his balcony. He went out to the balcony and grabbed the rail while looking up to the sky for a sign. Something in the corner of his eye catches his attention. He lowers his gaze and sees his armless neighbor, who lives in the building across the st...

The manager hired a new secretary.

She was young, sweet and polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw t...

A suicide bomber training his new recruits:

"Okay, pay attention, I'm only going to show you this once"

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

Drink vodka, play cards

A young man in the USSR has received his first work assignment. He is to work at a train yard helping to move the trains around the yard - a good job, with good promotional potential.

The first day of the job, he arrives at the yard, and entering the yard house he introduces himself, and want...

A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam,” he said in a broken voice "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pay...

The Truth About My Jokes

It has recently been brought to my attention that many of the jokes I tell my friends, family and peers can be classified as 'Dad jokes.' Moreover, it turns out that most of the people I share these with don't actually enjoy them, they've just given up on me stopping at this point.


Two ...

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: “I must be losing it, I could have sw...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

An army general needs some change

An Army general is standing before a vending machine on base, finding himself short on cash for a cold drink. He sees a nearby soldier and asks him, "Do you have any spare change?" The soldier replies, "Sure thing, man, I got a couple of quarters," and digs into his pocket.

The general narrow...

Why do rappers try so hard to get your attention?

To diss-track you.

A man walks into a bar when a nun sees him

"you are just a sad man, the Lord probably doesn't love you because you are a drunk" said the nun

"One beer, I was just going in for ONE beer, also what do you know, maybe drinking is not that bad after all" replied the man

"getting drunk is a sin, drinking little alcohol always lead...

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the adm...

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her...

I was driving past a mental asylum

I was driving past a mental asylum when all of a sudden my tire comes off and rolls down the hill along with the nuts.

I was so angry I started cussing on my way down the hill to collect the tire because I couldn’t find the nuts, which grabbed the attention of someone in the asylum, he said I...

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Extraction

A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled. He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction. It all happened in an ins...

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

The Star Wars Surprise

A man went to a space-themed diner for lunch. Looking over the menu, he spotted the weekly special, the Star Wars Surprise. It was nearly twice as expensive as most other items, but promised an experience you wouldn't forget.

Curiosity getting the better of him, the man ordered the special. H...

How do you grab the attention of a pervert?

An NSFW tag

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A Father is driving home with his child in the back seat

The boy looks out the window and, seeing a field full of cows, excitedly says to his father;

“Dad! Look! Moo moos!”

His father looks angrily in the rear view mirror and says

“They’re not called moo moos! They’re cows! Say it properly!”

The boy replies quietly “cows, dad.”...

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A colonel in the French Foreign Legion was given command of an isolated outpost in the middle of the desert.

On his first day, he had his sergeant show him around. He noticed that there was a solitary camel tied up behind the enlisted men's barracks. "Sergeant," said the colonel, "what is that camel doing there?"

"Well, sir," the sergeant answered, "the men are out here in the desert for so long, an...

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

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A doctor is taking a joyride down a long country road.

He doesn’t pay attention to his speed and eventually passes a police officer that was hidden behind some trees with a radar gun. The officer immediately pulls the guy over and approaches the car. He asks the guys for his license and registration. When he looks at the guy’s license he notices he a do...

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Edit: oh wow, this was my first time karma whoring on my cake day and I honestly wasn’t expecting this much attention. Thank you for all the awards and sorry if I didn’t respond to all the messages.

Shoutout to u/sse2k for “letting” me repost his joke.

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

It could’ve been worse.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
"Not so good," says Harry.
"Why, what happened?" James queries.
"Well," Harry say...

A contractor is taking a tour with a client discussing color themes. GREEN SIDE UP!

The contractor yelled out the living room window as he turned his attention back to the confused client. "Ah yes you definitely want a neutral tone for a room of this size and a decorator can help pick out the right furniture to accent." The client relaxed and completely agreed with his insight. "...

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Bono and u2 were performing at a gig in scotland

And as you all will know, bono is a cause celebre for all sorts of charity aid, world peace, ending hunger, heal the world etc that sort of thing. He jets around the world having concerts and all that for the benefit of others and frequently raises this at his concerts.

He begins this concert...

A husband and wife are having a quiet walk in the park when out of nowhere, a mugger appears and holds them at gunpoint.

(DISCLAIMER: I heard my father telling this joke to his friends when I was little. Sorry if this has been posted here before)



A husband and wife are having a quiet walk in the park when out of nowhere, a mugger appears and holds them at gunpoint.

The mugger said,

"I am ...

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You know you're a Minnesotan Abroad if

You get weird looks if you ask for your pizza to be cut into squares.

You've gotten strange looks when you whipped out your Super America fuel card, your TCF Bank debit card, your Dunn Brothers gift card, or White Castle refillable cup at a gas station.

You're the only one in a t-shirt...

A guy walks into a bar and grabs a stool.

Before he can order a drink, the bowl of pretzels on the bar in front of him says, “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.”

The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels and orders a drink from the bartender.

The bowl of pretzels tries to get the man’s attention again by saying, “Ooh, a pilsne...

Two ladies in a pub in attract the attention of a fellow down the bar with their accents.

Two ladies in a pub in attract the attention of a fellow down the bar with their accents.

"Ah, tourists eh? Do you girls want to hear a joke about Scotland?"

"It's Wales actually."

"Alright. Do you whales want to hear a joke about Scotland?"

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A barbarian slave in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter

They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.

Eventually, though, he was gladiator.

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone needs a reliable DD

A man pulls out of the parking lot of a busy Bar at closing time, he begins to swerve and drive eratic. The officer that was parked across the street turned his lights on and pulls him over.. At this time more cars began to leave and everyone who passed honked and waved. The officer paid it no atte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?

Kermit the Frogs undivided attention

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lion in the Jungle

A lion is walking through his jungle and steps on someone's poop , so the next day he calls every animal in the jungle and tells them that now there are toilets around the jungle and everyone is to do their business there.

For a week everything went well but one day a bunny is walking throug...

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