UPJOKE
detoxtreatmenttherapyrecoverycareinpatientsurgeryphysioprobationhospitalhospitalizationaddictionjailtrainingaftercare

Rehab Jokes

Why did the toilet roll go to rehab?

Addicted to crack.

I’m going to start a rehab program called the Hokey Pokey

Because you do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around, and that’s what it’s all about

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sign outside the drug rehab facility was very fitting

"Stay off the grass."

Why shouldn’t you let somebody who just got out of rehab go skiing?

Because it’s a slippery slope

So I'm fifty-twelve years old and got hip replacement surgery a week ago...Wife today, "Damnit didn't the Doctor tell you not to push it during rehab, I told you you were doing too much yesterday, look how swollen your leg is."

"Actually he told me to listen to my body."

(I continued using different voices), "How you doing Leg?"

"Swell."

Stupid People Rehab

A group of stupid people were put in rehab. The doctors wanted to see if they made any progress and decided that the person who passes this test will be let out. The test was to put them all into an empty room with no windows or visible exit.

They drew an obviously fake door on the wall an...

A small man admitted himself to rehab with a gambling addiction

It’s ok. He’s a little better.

What did Frodo go to rehab for?

He was a hobbitual smoker

Why did the ghost go into rehab?

He had a problem with boos.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke older than Internet

One day Joe complained to his friend, ‘My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor.’

His friend advised ‘Don’t do that. There is a computer at the drugstore that will diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will dia...

What do ATMs and rehab patients have in common?

Withdrawals.

A Russian walks into an alchohal rehab facility...

Wait...what?

Why did the duck go to the rehab center?

It had an addiction to quack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where did the oral sex addict go as soon as he got out of rehab?

The liquor store.

A man went to rehab for being addicted to deli meats

He stopped cold turkey

After several visits to the doctor's I've finally been referred to rehab for spending all my days smoking drugs and looking up jokes about cheese.

Hopefully I can kick my addiction to meth and feta memes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

And Jesus says to his followers, ¨I will turn this water into wine.¨

And the guy says, ¨Sir, this is a rehab center.¨

Why did the Christmas ornament go to rehab?

Because he was hooked on trees.

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

Why did Mr. Pibb go see Dr. Pepper at Rehab?

Because he was addicted to Coke.

I was gonna go to rehab until I realized

Rehab is for quitters

I spent 2 years in rehab for my Phil Collins addiction.

I did it against all odds. Just take a look at me now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

Two heroin addicts die and stand before Saint Peter at the pearly gates

They ask Saint Peter if they’re allowed in, and Peter reviews their records.

“Wow, I’m really not sure guys. It says here you’ve done a lot of bad things. Stealing, lying, generally bad addict behavior things. I can’t make this call, I have to go ask the big guy himself”, Peter says.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During a drug rehab session

Joke: During a drug rehab session, an addict shares, "I lost so much weight doing crack. When you're addicted to crack you don't have an appetite." The next addict shares, "I lost so much weight doing cocaine. I spent all my money and couldn't afford to eat." The next addict shares, "I lost so much ...

I used to be a a heron addict, but after 6 weeks of rehab

I've got no egrets

I was going to check into rehab

But then I realized I'm not a quitter

Why did the dung beetle go to rehab?

He was rolling balls.

They tried to make me go to rehab...

They tried to make me go to rehab, and I said... 'I don't have insurance'. And that was the end of that.

My family wanted me to go to rehab for my addiction to eating Thanksgiving leftovers straight from the fridge

But I wanted to go cold turkey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man tells his friends his elbow hurts...

He says that nothing he's tried has worked, so his friend suggests that go to the pharmacy.

"They got this new machine! When you pour in a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and how to fix it!"

So, following his advice, he finds this machine and pours his urine sample in. Fi...

So this guy checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving.

He couldn't quit cold turkey.

I walked past a drug rehab facility today.

There was a sign on the front lawn that read "KEEP OFF THE GRASS!"

I used to have a job transporting addicts to the nearby rehab clinic.

But I got fired because too many of my passengers fell off the wagon.

Where did the drunk owl end up?

Owlcoholics Hoooononymous.

Ironically my ex-wife ended up in rehab for alcohol abuse less than a month after coming up with and telling her this joke.

Sawmill Accident (long)

Paddy and Mick are two friends working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick...

What's the only place where quitters are winners?

Rehab

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lindsay Lohan walks into a bar, with a one winged, beat up, inebriated parrot on her shoulder

The bartender says, "Where did you get that drunk, fucked up bird?"

The parrot says, "The Rehab clinic in Malibu."

If you ever see a troll eat a fairy

It's either time for rehab or you're on Reddit.

What's the difference between a rehab center and a concentration camp?

One takes addicts out of people, the other takes people out of attics.

(Works best when said out loud)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said

'Keep off the Grass.'

Why was the Nun admitted to rehab....

Because she had a habit!

I'll just show myself out

I saw a construction sign today that said, "road rehab".

It must've been addicted to crack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It might be a repost and badly written but my dad just told this to me and I thought it was too good to not share

Patrick and Mick worked at a factory and one day Patrick cut his arm off in a sawmill so mick put the arm in a plastic bag and took him to the hospital.

The next day mick rings up the doctor to ask how Patrick's doing.

The doctor says "he's just exercising in rehab"

Shocked, mi...

Once, a little boy was born with no arms.

He also had no legs, or even a torso. His parents adored him anyway and completely doted on him.
As he got older they would put him in front of the window and he would watch the other kids run and play in the park across the street. One day a doctor rocked up with radical plan for a whole body tr...

Jail importance

Why you should go in jail as an entrepreneur ?

- No cost of living
- gym and rehab park
- surrounded by hustlers
- taxes pay for you
- time off from family, gf , friends to focus on THE GRIND

What did the deadhead say when he got out of rehab?

This music sucks!

The only woman I ever loved, before she left, told me that I'm fat, ugly, and stupid.

Jokes on her though. I could always lose weight, get plastic surgery, and read a book.

Even after she gets back from rehab, she'll still always be MY mom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Guys Are Playing Tennis, One Said To The Other...

Maan! My elbow hurts like hell, what should I do about it?? His friend quickly replied, well you could just go down to that new drug store they just built not far from here. They’ve got this, NEW technology, and boy is it amazing— there’s a machine in there that you just put a sample of pee in a tub...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Guru (potentially NSFW depending on words used)

Bill and Jeff are sitting at the local - Bill is complaining to Jeff that his elbow his hurting him and that he will have to go to the doctor and pay the high medical bills/etc that will come with it...


Jeff tells Bill to forget that, he should visit 10th and 3rd and see The Guru! Basical...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One time Bob told his friend John that he had pain in his arm

One time Bob told his friend John that he had pain in his arm. Being a helpful guy, John tells him there's a new robot in a store down the road that, if you pour your urine into it and insert a dollar bill, it will diagnose any illness that you may have. Hardly believing what he was told, Bob pees i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Miracle Machine

A guy is talking to a work buddy in the bar. The guy says, "man my wrist is killing me! I want to go to a doctor but im scared that the bill will be too high." The buddy says, "well you are in luck man! i heard from my wife that a new pharmacy just opened up and they have a machine that with just a ...

The magical cave swamiji!

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he visit a Swamiji who lived in a nearby cave. “Simply leave a sample of urine outside his cave, and he will meditate on it, miraculously diagnose your problem, and tell you what you can do about it. But it w...

Harvard Bridge

The Harvard Bridge in Boston that runs to MIT is measured in "smoots," after a 1958 fraternity prank where freshman Oliver Smoot was used as a device to measure the bridge.

There are various humorous side stories, such as:

1. when the bridge was rehabbed in the 1980s, the sidewalks wer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are playing tennis.

After they finish their game, one turns to the other and tells his friend his elbow really hurts. His friend tells him to go down to the local pharmacy. At the pharmacy they have a machine where you put in $5 and a urine sample, and the machine will tell you what's wrong and how to cure it. The frie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Super-Diagnostic Machine

Leroy and Roscoe are sitting around the lunch table in the break room when Roscoe starts complaining about his elbow. "I reckon Imma hafta go down to the doc and have him check this thang out." Leroy says, "Naw, don't waste yur money. Wal-Mart has this new contrapshun whur you can go and put a pi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke nsfw

A man was riding his dirt bike one day and has a wreck goes to the emergency room. The doctor says "you torn most of the muscles in your groin so we wanted to get your okay to try a new procedure to replace the muscles in your groin with muscles from an elephants trunk." So he gets the procedure and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tennis Elbow (You might have heard it, but it's my personal favorite [worth the read])

Jerry walks into work after a three day weekend. He's complaining about his right arm hurting. He's new, and his health insurance hasn't kicked in yet, so he wants to avoid going to the doctor.

His coworker tells him not to worry.. "There's this new machine down at the pharmacy. You bring...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a country club tennis court, a man clutches his elbow in pain...

He says to his friend, "Geez, my elbow aches. I think I should see a doctor about this".

The friend says, "Well before you do, why don't you try that machine in the locker room. You pee in a cup, and it writes you a prescription!"

Although skeptical, the man agrees to try out the machi...

There once was a man who really loved Tractors

There once was a man who really loved Tractors. He collected them, he drove them around town, he went to tractor shows, he loved anything to do with tractors. One day, at a tractor show, he got hit by a tractor and was severely injured. After months in hospital and rehab, he finally got his life bac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stacey

Her name was Stacey.

One day I asked Stacey out on a date.

She turned me down.

You see I used to have a stutter, and she thought that it was annoying.

I was like: “Okay, whatever b-b-b-bitch.”

I didn’t see her again for two years.

I was walking on the street...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor joke (Long)

Two doctors are eating lunch in the cafeteria of the hospital they work at and one turns to the other and says “ my elbow hurts”.
The other doctor says “you should go to Wal-Mart”.
The first doctors says “...what!?”.
The second says “they have this new machine in the pharmacy, give $10 and ...

Ever since I got my left leg amputated, every girl has been avoiding me.

I got into a car accident a few years back and had my left leg amputated. Getting used to balancing myself on 1 leg and crutches took a lot of time. I felt that without my precious left leg, i would never be the same.

My confidence dropped severely, and the passion i had for all the things i ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.