The 98+ Best Cure Jokes

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

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Anyone know of a cure for sex addiction?

I’ve tried fucking everything

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When I found out they had found a cure for dyslexia I was like.....

Music to my arse!

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team up and make a medicine to cure erectile dysfunction

And name it "Elon-Gate"

Temper cure...

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When i...

So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake!

A scientist walks into an AA meeting. “I’ve just invented a cure for alcoholism! Take one of these pills and you’ll never be a problem drinker again!”

An attendee replies: “What happens if you take two?”

How did the doctor cure the invisible man?

He took him to the ICU

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I found a cure for my wife's insomnia...

All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.

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After a consultation, the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You see, your testicles seem to be pressing on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache.

I can relieve the pressure by removing the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to l...

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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him

Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinalsthat he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was ha...

A doctor offers $100 if he can't cure your illness, otherwise you'll pay him $50.

A guy sees the sign and enters the clinic hoping to fool the doctor and easily make a hundred dollars.

"Doctor, I don't have my sense of taste!" says the guy.

"Here drink this." as the doctor hands him a tiny vial filled with unknown liquid.

The guy drinks from it and immediatel...

The CPAP machine instantly cured my sleep apnea

Can’t sleep at all with that thing on my face.

Trump couldn't find the cure for the Coronavirus...

But the Coronavirus may have found the cure for Trump.

Warning: Dark Humor Ahead "A cure?"

A man is sitting in his doctors office waiting for his test results:

Doc: Well, Jim. I'm sorry but your tests say that you have a rare disease and it's 100% fatal.

Jim: Isn't there ANYTHING we can do to stop it?

Doc: Uh, there is this spa down the road that has these special...

It seems like everyday I come across a new article about a cure for Alzheimer's

Turns out it's actually the same article.

How do you cure loneliness?

Watch a horror movie by yourself in a dark room. The feeling will soon go away.

What do we want? A cure for obesity. When do we want it?

After dinner!

White girl : So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth : YES!!!

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

Best name for cured meat convention in San Francisco...

... Bay Con.

What’s the #1 cure for headaches and ear pains?

Divorce

The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale.

I never sausage a selection.

What do you cal halal cured meats?

Salaami

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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find...

A man got cured of lycanthropy and defended his doctoral thesis on the same day.

Now he is looking for a post dog position

There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola:

The directions say the medication must be taken with food.

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i asked my therapist: can you cure my bondage addiction?

he said: "i wish i can help you but my hands are tied"

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Took my wife to the doctors to cure her Tourettes.

Turns out, she doesn't have Tourettes.
I am a prick and she really wants me to fuck off.

A doctor found a cure for muteness

Dr. Smith, a medical professional studying human vocals, found a cure to muteness.

He found out after dealing with a patient and an unlikely scenario happened.

He receives an award for medicine, and is invited to give a speech. He speaks about his life, inspiration, and discovery. He b...

Chiropractors should be hired to cure all ails, since we know laughter is the best medicine and….

….. they really just crack you up.

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How to cure Snoring (Dog & Husband version)

A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snori...

The Ultimate Cure

A pharmacist comes back from his lunch to the pharmacy.

As he approaches, he sees a man outside the pharmacy clutching onto a pole for dear life, barely breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: "What...

They say a batch of Indian food would cure what ails you…

That was the first case of medically induced Korma.

A Cure For Hiccups

A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.

“What did you do that for?” the man asks, rubbing his aching cheek.

“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?” aske...

I discovered the cure for blindness.

Vitamin See

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While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

What do you call a veterinarian that can cure only one species?

A doctor.

I found the cure for blindness!

It was a real eye opener

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I accidentally deleted the manuscript of my book '1000 Ways to Cure an Itch'

It looks like I'll have to start from scratch

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I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it,

but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

I forgot to save my new book, “1000 Ways to Cure an Itch” before my computer died.

Guess I’m starting again from scratch.

With the far right prescribing UV and sunlight for medical cures

They have finally seen the benefits of solar power.

My Doctor finally managed to cure me of my obsession with the Muppets

He gave me an enema

followed by a Doo Doo do do do

Cure for coughing

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best ...

I picked up this thing that almost instantly cured my life long habit of picking scabs.

Herpes.

Local mom finds cure to weight loss, Scientist are dumbfounded...

at how gullible people on the internet are.

Good News! We’ve discovered the cure for cancer!

Bad news: It’s eugenics.

Simple cure for ED...

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an mysterious medicine man living nearby who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the location on the certificate and saw this medicine man....

There's a medicine you can buy that apparently cures scepticism.

But I'm not buying it.

I found a way to make cured sausage halal for Muslims to eat.

I offered it to an Imam for testing. He takes a bite and says "Ah, Salami okay, yum!"

They've found a cure for depression!

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Mr. Johnson has been having constant headaches ever since his teenage years. For years and years his doctor tries to cure him, but the headaches only get worse and worse.

Finally, one day, the doctor asks Mr. Johnson to undress. After inspecting Mr. Johnson's body, he sees the problem.

"You have an extremely rare condition," explains the doc. "Your testicles are pressed up against your spinal cord, giving you headaches. This condition has no known cause and on...

The cure for my depression is right around the corner...

Yep here comes the train now.

What do you give the mass murderer who cured cancer?

The no-bail prize

A professor finds a cure for cancer right before falling into a vat of chickpea dip and dying

He was awarded post-hummous-ly

A woman brought her husband to a doctor to try to cure his snoring problem.

Dr.: "it is possible to treat, but it will cost you a lot of money."

Woman: "that's fine, how much will it cost?"

Dr.: "$20,000 down payment, and $250 in monthly intervals for a year."

Woman: "woah, its almost like im buying a sports car!!"

Dr.: "hmm... too obvious, huh?"

I'm no expert on covid-19 but I do know the cure

They are an amazing band from the 80s.

How did the mathematician cure his constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil ( of course!)

A guy walks into a bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please.”

The bartender tells him, “I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!” The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.

The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-plea...

The doctor said to me, “Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80's pop music!” I gasped, “Yikes! What’s The Cure?!”

He yowled, “Oh my God! It’s worse than I thought!”

After months of preliminary testing, Dr. D. Johnson's supplement to cure the side-effects of COVID-19 went into final trials

Unfortunately the drug only allowed you to smell what the rock was cooking

I asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed

Neither him nor his 28 siblings had an answer.

What do we want? More research into a cure for ADHD! When do we want it?

Let's play swingball!

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A guy tried to cure his depression with Viagra.

It didn't work. Things were getting harder and harder.

What’s the best way to cure blindness?

Vitamin C

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The Magic Cure[NSFW]

In a royal court the jester and the court physician are close friends. one day the jester expresses his fantasy of sucking the queen's tits to the physician. the physician says he can make it happen as long as the jester does what he says and pays him 10 gold coins after it is done, the jester agree...

I found the magic remedy to cure my SO from loudly snoring all night!

I smothered him with a pillow.

I've heard that I'm the cure to Covid.

Lucky for you it's a suppository.

Did u hear the joke about the cure for covid19?

It's a riot

Did you know there's a cure for scoliosis?

I had a hunch.

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

After years of drinking, I can say that alcohol cures obesity and bad looks

Not in me, but in people I look at

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[Long] A rich man suffer from extreme arachnophobia, and is searching for a cure.

He calls the best scientist, psychiatrists and even folk healers, but no one of them is able to solve his problem.

Depressed, the man goes into a bar to drown his sorrows, and tell the bartender of his issue. The man begin to tell a tale he inherited from his grandpa: "Deep into the wo...

Does anyone know of any actors that can help cure my lisp?

I’m pretty sure Anne Hathaway, but I’m going to ask Colin Firth.

Cure

A college professor at a small liberal arts college in Ohio removed a tennis ball from his jacket pocket as he walked into the lecture hall each morning. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would pick up the tennis ball, place it in his jacket pocket...

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.

Smoking bacon will cure it.

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I take Viagra for my sun burn...

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep.

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.

Too bad he doesn’t cry.

A perfect cure for corona:

Tell corona that you are serious, you love it and that you want to spend the rest of your life with corona. You will not hear from corona ever again.

BREAKING: Cure for corona has been discovered in North Korea

New treatment involves shooting patients in the face, and has recorded a 100% success rate in getting rid of the virus.

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As a scientist, I have been actively trying to develop a cure for beastiality, but I haven't had any luck. So if anyone needs me,

I'll be in my lab.

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

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I saw an ad from a local store with an upcoming sale for pills to cure premature ejaculation. When I got there they told me they didn’t have them in stock yet.

Seems like I came too early.

Scientists have just found the cure to COVID-19

They call it cyanide.

*It also cures all other diseases.*

I have this friend who had cancer. In the process of cure and after he got released, he said his life was completely changed.

You know what they say about tumors. They really grow on you.

I cured a terrible case of nail biting.

I told him to become a plumber, he did and now he never bits his fingernails.

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I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure.

Divorce.

How do you cure someone from steroid abuse?

You give them the anti-dope

One day I'll create a cure for blindness

You'll see.

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it. Patient: What's the cure?

Doctor: It's an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith. But let's try to stay focused.

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Doctor can you cure my insomnia?

“Of course, we just have to get rid of the root cause!”

“Won’t be easy, the wife’s grown quite fond of that fucking baby”

My friend was grateful when I told her about the supernatural cure for the virus.

I knew I made the right choice when I told her witch doctor to go to.

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What spell did Harry Potter use to cure constipation?

Expelianus!

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

Scientists have discovered the best way to cure laziness.

Unfortunately nobody has bothered to read the article.

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A guys at a bar when he sees on TV that a doctor has cured cancer.

The man says "wow, that's amazing this will have so many effects on the medical and scientific fields. I wonder when they're gonna start using that drug to help those with cancer?" His friend next to him says "man I hope never" the man looks at him and says "why's that?" The friend replies saying "w...

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