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An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for th...

A pirate walks into a doctor's surgery.

"Avast, sawbones," he growls, "I wants ye to look at the moles on me back. I think they might be of the cancerin' kind."

The doctor has a look at the pirate's back.
"It's OK," he says, "they're benign."


"Arrr... look again," says the pirate, "I'm pretty sure there be ten."

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous,

I’m seeing a lot of new faces here today, and I have to say, I’m very disappointed in all of you

The surgery was done and I could open my eyes for the first time.

It was an eye opening experience

Before my surgery, my anesthetist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation

A Pirate walks into a Doctors Surgery..

The Doctor says "Sir do you realise you have a ships steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"


The Pirate replies "Arr"

"It be driving me nuts"

There's a doctor's surgery in my town that is almost impossible to get to. It's on an island in a lake but there's no ferry or even a dock for private boats.

Every patient that's made it there has flu.

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Research has shown that Obese people who have just had sexual reassignment surgery are more likely to survive cannibalistic scenarios

Because Trans Fat are bad for your health.

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

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A Florida man had his penis ripped off by a prostitute after it had just been sewn back on after a surgery mishap.

The Chief of Police said this was redickless.

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas, or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation

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A woman rings the surgery to ask about a pregnancy test

The receptionist makes an appointment and says "Be sure to bring in a urine sample". The woman says "okay" and hangs up, then turns to her husband and says "What's a urine sample?". He looks puzzled and says "I don't know, it's not like I've ever been for a pregnancy test. But Betty next door has, w...

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A lady goes into hospital for labia reduction surgery...

When she wakes up she finds three cards on her bedside table. The first card is from her the surgeon and says "the surgery was a complete success, get well soon" she says to herself "how nice." The second card is from her husband and says "glad the surgery was a success, love you and get well soon. ...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

What did my grandpa say to me after he had cataract surgery?

"Well that was an eye-opening experience"

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

"You just need to relax Steve, it's just a minor surgery, it happens everyday with no issues" the surgeon said

The patient replies "But my name isn't Steve"

Nervously, the surgeon replies "But my name is"

Doctor: Calm down David ! It’s just a minor surgery !

Patient: Doctor, I’m not David.

Doctor: I know that, I was talking to myself.

Beware of performing surgery on your Dad . . .

An older gentleman was on the operating table, awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.   

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.   

"Yes, Dad. What is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son. Do your best. ...

“Relax David. It’s just a small surgery. Don’t panic.”

“But doctor....My name isn’t David........”

“I know. I am David.”

Plastic surgery

I told my family and friends that I’m leaving my job to pursue my lifelong dream of being a plastic surgeon.

That should raise a few eyebrows.

I trust the doctors performing my Spinal cord bypass surgery

because they have my back.

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A man wakes up in the hospital from cancer surgery,and asks the nurse "Were you able to save my testicles?".

"Yes,we saved them for you in a jar under your pillow."

Remember when plastic surgery used to be a taboo subject?

Now when you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.


<sorry if it's a repost>.

Google announces new usage of an old tool: sending vital organs for surgery via landlines. The organ at the other end will be a working copy of the original, giving an unprecedented supply of life-saving organs to families in need.

They're calling it "The Fax of Life."

A man was getting surgery to treat his bad vision

Man: are you sure this is going to work?

Doctor: you'll see.

A man is going through a surgery. Before the surgery started, the doctor said "No need to be afraid Charlie, it's gonna be over soon." "But my name isn't Charlie." the man replies, confused.

"Charlie is my name." said the doctor.

Going into open heart surgery

I asked the doctor how long am I going to be in the hospital??

He said, if all goes well, about a week... if it doesn't, about 30 minutes..

[credit: Rodney Dangerfield]

Did you hear about the scandal with Elon Musk embezzling money for his surgery to make him taller?

Look it up, it's called Elongate.

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A doctor came up with a new surgery

A doctor came up with a new surgery called a “race change”. An asian man was curious, so he went through the surgery and became caucasian. Two weeks later the doctor asked, “How does it feel? Is everything okay?” The asian man said “It’s great! This whole experience was a real... eye opener”

I'm thinking of getting laser eye surgery next year...

So I can see in 2020

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MTF trans people deserve a lot of credit if they get sexual reassignment surgery.

That decision takes balls.

A stand up comedian named Michael went to get his appendix removed. What did he call the night of his surgery?

Open Mike Night

I met the guy who performed my eye surgery

I have to say he really opened my eyes.

A man is returning to the vet to see if a surgery was successful.

The vet says, "Here's the bill. Unfortunately, we couldn't reattach it to your duck."

What do you do first before going in for facial reconstructive surgery?

You pick your nose.

Which Mexican got plastic surgery on its toe?

Ruberto

My Wife had successful eye surgery

Edit* ex wife she finally seen what I looked like

How much does Male to Female surgery cost?

About a third of your salary.

I read about a heartwarming story of several doctors performing an overnight surgery on a giraffe's knee.

I guess it was a joint operation.

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What's it called when a man gets penis enlargement surgery?

An adalittledictamy

I overheard something about a guy who died in a surgery

I guess his heart wasn’t in the right place.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery..

I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

During his exam, a medical student had to perform a surgery on a patient.

One of them passed.

A little boy’s grandpa had surgery...

And it went well.

The doctor told everyone in the waiting room that it was a successful operation. 30 minutes later the grandpa is up and at em meeting with his family.

While they’re there the doc was telling the standard recovery for the procedure.

Doc: “First of all the anesth...

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! 

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

Patient: Doc, I'm worried. This is my first surgery.

Doc: Me too!!

So my best friend tells me he wants to become a woman, but he doesn't want to pay for surgery

He asked for my help in pulling it off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about Brad Pitt's buttocks reduction surgery?

Now he's a bottomless pitt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

I just had a cheap plastic surgery and I'm not happy with it.

Next time I'll pay for real metal scalpels.

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Joe goes to buy a new suit after surgery

This joke belongs to Buddy Hackett (August 31, 1924 – June 30, 2003)

I never saw a version here that correctly attributed this to him.

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.<...

I'm a transman going for top surgery.

I just have a lot to get off my chest.

A surgeon fails an eye surgery

No one bats an eye.
A surgeon fails a brain surgery
and everybody loses their minds

Today I asked my doctor if she was willing to complete my ear surgery.

I'm excited to hear from her!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex".

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heart Transplant Surgery

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.


The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body reje...

If you cross your finger after surgery you'll heal faster

Or maybe that's just super stichin'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone in the transplant club just recieved surgery to reconstruct his penis

Turns out it's our newest member

I walked into the Doctors Surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign.

" "Capricorn." I replied.



"Yeah, right," he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again."

My dad's doctor told me he could perform surgery with his eyes closed.

But he didn't say anything about succeeding.

After a failed surgery...

Mother: doctor, how is my son?

Doctor: well...

Father: please doctor, tell us he is all right.

Doctor: Well, his left hand is gone...so, he is gonna be all right.

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple of minutes later, his eyes flutter...

A doctor performs surgery using local anesthesia

- “Relax, Ernest, it’s just a few cuts with a scalpel. Don’t panic,” the doctor says.

- “But, doctor, my name is not Ernest.”

- “I know... just talking to myself.”

A man, who believes in avoiding doctors and hospitals at all cost, had to have emergency surgery for an inflamed appendix.

In pain, but still protesting the whole idea of an operation, he muttered,

"When God gave man an appendix, there must have been a reason for putting it there, am I right?"

"Oh there was," said the surgeon.

"God gave you that appendix so I could put my kids through university."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone bet me a car that I wouldn't get belly button enhancement surgery.

I just got me an Audi.

So, doc... I was told I only had a 1% chance to survive this surgery?

Doc: Yes, but don't worry, the other 99 patients have already died.

I just got laser eye surgery and I can't help but feel cheated

Because I still can't see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

I have a feeling that my mouth transplant surgery went horribly wrong.

The voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife left me after I spent all our savings on penis enlargement surgery

She says she just couldn't take it any longer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I need to have surgery, because of my cicumcision.

I was born without eyelids, so the doctor said to my mom "all we have to do is circumcise him, and we can make eyelids out of his foreskin."
Long story short, I've been cock eyed ever since, I have great fore sight though.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi, sat around discussing surgeries they'd had.

The priest says "After my laryngeal surgery, I couldn't talk for 3 weeks!"

The minister says "Oh yeah, well after my hip replacement I couldn't walk for 6 weeks!"

The rabbi says "That's nothing! After my circumcision I couldn't walk or talk for at least a year!"

The sign on a plastic surgery clinic reads...

“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can turn them into melons.”

Right before surgery, I asked my anesthetist whether I can administer the needle myself.

He said, “Sure. Knock yourself out.”

When Louis Armstrong was a child, he was colorblind, a doctor asked him if he wanted to do this experimental surgery to allow him to see colors. After the procedure, they ask him what does he see, he tells them...

I see trees of green, and red roses too.

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]

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Boy Born Without Eyelids Undergoes Graft Surgery Using His Own Foreskin

Doctors say, "He's fine now, just a little cock-eyed."

If the Doctor doesn’t show up to your surgery

You’re legally allowed to die in 15 minutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in surgery the other day and the first thing he told me was he needed to feel my testicles.

Jesus, his hands were cold! You would have thought any successful dentist could afford decent heating.

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked. “Sorry, force of habit. Lots of people do it though, don’t they?” I said.

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor.”

I didn’t think my knee replacement surgery would help.

I stand corrected.

A joke my pastor told this morning at church

A woman has a heart attack. During this, she dies and meets God.

"Will I die?" she asked.

"No," God replied, "You will live for another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days."

At this instant, she snapped back alive. After the heart attack, she decides to make the most of her life.
...

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