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An Irishman goes to the doctor's surgery ...

and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse."

So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down."

After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

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What's it called when a man gets penis enlargement surgery?

An adalittledictamy

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Welcome to the plastic surgery addicts meating

I see a lot of new faces today

Doctor: Relax, Mark. It's just a small surgery, don't panic.

Patient: But doctor, may name is not Mark.

Doctor: I know. I'm Mark.

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s dischar...

How much does Male to Female surgery cost?

About a third of your salary.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery..

I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about Brad Pitt's buttocks reduction surgery?

Now he's a bottomless pitt.

My Wife had successful eye surgery

Edit* ex wife she finally seen what I looked like

So my best friend tells me he wants to become a woman, but he doesn't want to pay for surgery

He asked for my help in pulling it off.

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! 

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

There was once a guy waiting to have an open heart surgery

The doctor, who is set to perform the operation, visits him before the procedure and notices that the patient is extremely nervous. He asks him to relax and not to worry. The patient responds by saying that it's his first time having such an operation, which is why he is terrified. The doctor reassu...

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Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex".

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

I'm a transman going for top surgery.

I just have a lot to get off my chest.

If you cross your finger after surgery you'll heal faster

Or maybe that's just super stichin'

After a failed surgery...

Mother: doctor, how is my son?

Doctor: well...

Father: please doctor, tell us he is all right.

Doctor: Well, his left hand is gone...so, he is gonna be all right.

Today I asked my doctor if she was willing to complete my ear surgery.

I'm excited to hear from her!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone in the transplant club just recieved surgery to reconstruct his penis

Turns out it's our newest member

I feel most at home in a plastic surgery clinic

They don’t mind if you pick your nose there.

Counsellor at a ’plastic surgery addicts’ support group...

Welcome, I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week, and I must say, I’m disappointed....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

Heart Transplant Surgery

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.


The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body reje...

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(Long) Plastic surgery frequent flyer

A plastic surgery frequent flyer goes in for a face lift. Her doctor tells her of a new procedure, a knob, that can be discreetly installed on the back of her head and anytime she feels her skin needs tightening, she can just give it a twist and it will pull everything tight. She agrees and after su...

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A man is taken to the hospital for Emergency surgery.

He wakes up in recovery where the surgeon explains that they were able to successfully remove the giant sex toy from his colon.

“Remove it!?! I just came here to get the batteries changed.”

A doctor performs surgery using local anesthesia

- “Relax, Ernest, it’s just a few cuts with a scalpel. Don’t panic,” the doctor says.

- “But, doctor, my name is not Ernest.”

- “I know... just talking to myself.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts

Her husband tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.”

His wife asks, “How can I do it without surgery?”

“Just rub toilet paper between them.”
Startled, the lady asks, “How does that make them bigger?”

“I don‘t know, but it...

I walked into the Doctors Surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign.

" "Capricorn." I replied.

&#x200B;

"Yeah, right," he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone bet me a car that I wouldn't get belly button enhancement surgery.

I just got me an Audi.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe goes to buy a new suit after surgery

This joke belongs to Buddy Hackett (August 31, 1924 – June 30, 2003)

I never saw a version here that correctly attributed this to him.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.<...

My dad's doctor told me he could perform surgery with his eyes closed.

But he didn't say anything about succeeding.

A man, who believes in avoiding doctors and hospitals at all cost, had to have emergency surgery for an inflamed appendix.

In pain, but still protesting the whole idea of an operation, he muttered,

"When God gave man an appendix, there must have been a reason for putting it there, am I right?"

"Oh there was," said the surgeon.

"God gave you that appendix so I could put my kids through university."

Girl Is Going Into The Operation Theater For Her Heart Surgery.

Girl: “I am Having Heart Surgery Today.”

Boy: “Yes I Know, Don’t Worry Baby.”

Girl: “I Love You.”

Boy: “I Love You The Most.”

After The Surgery, Girl Wakes Up And The Only One Next To Her Is Her Father.

Girl: “Where Is He?”

Father (Surprised): “Don’t You Kno...

I have a feeling that my mouth transplant surgery went horribly wrong.

The voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that.

A patient wakes up from leg surgery to the surgeon standing next to him.

"Oh, you're finally awake," said the surgeon.

The patient nodded and promptly asked, "how was the surgery, doc?"

The surgeon responded: "well, the good news is that for the rest of your life, you'll be able to wake up and start things off on the right foot. The bad news is that we ha...

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Boy Born Without Eyelids Undergoes Graft Surgery Using His Own Foreskin

Doctors say, "He's fine now, just a little cock-eyed."

I just got laser eye surgery and I can't help but feel cheated

Because I still can't see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

The sign on a plastic surgery clinic reads...

“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can turn them into melons.”

Any advice on correcting plastic surgery that has gone wrong?

I’m all ears.

So, doc... I was told I only had a 1% chance to survive this surgery?

Doc: Yes, but don't worry, the other 99 patients have already died.

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple of minutes later, his eyes flutter...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife left me after I spent all our savings on penis enlargement surgery

She says she just couldn't take it any longer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in surgery the other day and the first thing he told me was he needed to feel my testicles.

Jesus, his hands were cold! You would have thought any successful dentist could afford decent heating.

I didn’t think my knee replacement surgery would help.

I stand corrected.

When Louis Armstrong was a child, he was colorblind, a doctor asked him if he wanted to do this experimental surgery to allow him to see colors. After the procedure, they ask him what does he see, he tells them...

I see trees of green, and red roses too.

A man is recovering from surgery.

A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him.

“How are you feeling?” she asks.

“I’m okay,” he says, “but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery.”

“What did he say?” the nurse asks.

“Oops.”

Right before surgery, I asked my anesthetist whether I can administer the needle myself.

He said, “Sure. Knock yourself out.”

My father was discussing the costs of a quadruple bypass surgery with the doctor.

When he heard they would be charging for each incision, he said "What kind of cut rate operation is this?"

Finally getting laser eye surgery next month

Very excited to have laser eyes.

What did the English major have after getting intestinal surgery?

A semicolon

A woman was having surgery

A woman was having surgery to have her left leg amputated, due to gangrene. Unfortunately, the doctor mistakenly removed her right leg.

Realising his mistake while she was still under anaesthesia, he proceeded to remove her left leg.

Later on, she sued the doctor for malpractice, bu...

If the Doctor doesn’t show up to your surgery

You’re legally allowed to die in 15 minutes.

What's the difference between a singer and a farm animal that wants plastic surgery?

One's Iggy Pop. The other's piggy op.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I need to have surgery, because of my cicumcision.

I was born without eyelids, so the doctor said to my mom "all we have to do is circumcise him, and we can make eyelids out of his foreskin."
Long story short, I've been cock eyed ever since, I have great fore sight though.

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked. “Sorry, force of habit. Lots of people do it though, don’t they?” I said.

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor.”

Good afternoon everyone, and thank you for attending the plastic surgery addicts support group

I see many new faces here today.

Which is disappointing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"No Jews Allowed"

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send...

If anyone knows how to correct cosmetic surgery that's gone horribly wrong?

I'm all ears.

I decided to pay for my wife's overbite correction surgery.

Maybe now she can finally shut her mouth.

I’m recovering from surgery, and still in some pain, so my mom asked me,”Do you want some painkillers?”

I replied, ”They couldn’t hurt.”

A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?" "Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."

"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."

When I was a kid I pretended I was doing surgery on a stuffed animal inside a blanket fort

I guess you could say they were undercover operations

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]

I came back from brain surgery

The doctors said they took out the limbic system but I don’t remember what that is

A joke my pastor told this morning at church

A woman has a heart attack. During this, she dies and meets God.

"Will I die?" she asked.

"No," God replied, "You will live for another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days."

At this instant, she snapped back alive. After the heart attack, she decides to make the most of her life.
...

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,

a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes Dad, what is it?"

"Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come a...

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A man had an Rectal surgery.

He needed weekly Rectal Examinations for 6 months to make sure everything was OK. After one month he thought he could save money if let his wife do examination and go to doctor only if something was wrong. His wife agreed but asked him to explain. He stood leaning on table and dropped his pants and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two blondes were discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first blonde says, "I have to be honest. I am planning to get a boob job."

The second says, "Yea, I going to get my asshole bleached this week."

To which the first replies, "Whoooa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde."

Who from the Soviet Union made the most in development of modern surgery?

Mikhail Timofeyevich Kalashnikov.

What type of surgery do Jewish doctors prefer to perform?

Circumcision.

They’re always left with a tip.

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery...

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery. She was in pre-op and asked the nurse if there was any way she could administer the anesthesia medication herself. To which the nurse replied "I am not sure, I will go ask the surgeon." The nurse leaves to check with the surgeon....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A surgeon goes to check on his patient after surgery and he says to her...

"Everything went fine and you'll recover completely."

The young woman asks, "How long will it be before I can have a normal sex life again?"

The surgeon pauses for a while and wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye.

The woman, now alarmed, asks, "What's the matter doctor?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy’s doctor tells him he needs brain surgery

The guy asks, “Doc, after the surgery, will I be able to play the violin?”

The doctor tells the guy, “Go fuck yourself”

Did you know that amputation is the most expensive form of surgery?

I hear it can cost you an arm and a leg.

A blind man and his mistress.

A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.

After bathing, she came out naked, spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, “Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything ...

I have a joke about a pirate lady who got hit in the chest by a cannonball and needed some good old-fashioned pirate surgery

But it would be funnier with a punchline, wooden tit?

I'm not saying cosmetic surgery cured my depression

But it definitely put a smile on my face.

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous.

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

T. f., via Internet

Patient is waiting for surgery...

And the doctor says "your just going to feel a little prick"

"But doctor, I don't know you that well"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Plastic surgery . . .

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because over the years, they had become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening...

My sons were once conjoined twins, but they got surgery.

Now I love them two pieces

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

300lb guy goes to the hospital for life changing surgery.

As he enters, the surgeons inspect him and one says to him, "I'm very sorry Sir, but it looks like were going to have to put you down".

"What? I can't believe it!" replies the man, "It... it can't be that bad, surly?"

"Yes, you disgustingly fat sack of shit, the 4 of us can't carry yo...

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'....

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Edit: Wow, thanks guys. This made me win a bet with my friend to see who could get frontpaged first :D

Edit #2: I just won $1, lol.

Edit #3: We made the...

My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!

Upvote for visibility.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult surgery.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial spongebath.

“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, a...

I have a plastic surgery voucher I no longer want

Will sell for face value.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dad made this joke after finding out he needed surgery for potential rectal cancer.

Well at least no one can call me a complete asshole anymore!

I fell asleep during surgery

My patient unfortunately passed away

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Reconstructive surgery

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay. You'll walk again and everything. However, your penis was sever...

I had surgery to become a 50p coin.

My father always said 'Be the change you want to see in the world.'

A lawyer had just undergone surgery

...and as he came out of the anesthesia, he said,
"Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."