Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.

They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive

How do uou describe a person during brain surgery?

Open-minded

I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds.

I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week.

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Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked ... “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl. "Wha...

Surgeon: “Just relax, Michael. It’s just a small surgery.”

Patient: “My name isn’t Michael.”


Surgeon: “I know, my name is Michael.”

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A Japanese man told his dad about his failed knee surgery.

His dad replied, "No Knee"?

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery:

Oops!

Has anyone seen my watch?

That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.

Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Well, this book doesn’t say that… What edition is your manual?

Ok, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly ...

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous

I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and, I have to say, I’m disappointed

A man is lying in the surgery room losing lots of blood

The surgeon says "Quick! We need to give him more blood!It says here he is blood type-A!" He gives him the blood but his body didn't accept it and he dies. The doctor says "Oh no! How didn't this work?!" And the nurse says: " I guess it must have been a type-0"

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During his surgery, my grandpa kept waking up, grabbing the nurse's boobs, laughing, then flatlining until they restarted his heart again.

He's pretty touch and go right now...

Surgery on an appendix today would have to be

An appandemictomy.

A lawyer undergoes surgery

While undergoing surgery, a lawyer has a vision of God by his bedside.

"Am I going to die?" Asked the Lawyer.

"No my son," replied God, "You have another 30 years to live."

Unfortunately the surgery was unsuccessful, and the lawyer died shortly after the procedure.

The ...

My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England.

We call him Sir Gen

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Corrective surgery

When Ralph first noticed his penis was growing longer and staying erect longer he was delighted, as was his wife. After several weeks his penis had grown to sixteen inches. Ralph became quite concerned as he was having problems dressing and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent ur...

I was having heart surgery and the doctor said something before I went under

He said, “Don’t worry Dave it’s gonna be fine even though you haven’t done this before”

Suddenly concerned, I replied saying that my name was not in fact Dave

To which the doctor said, “oh, that’s actually my name”.

Saw this as a response to sometime on an aksreddit thread a w...

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Three surgeons are arguing what type of person is the easiest to perform surgery to

The first one says:
"Well, it's obviously librarians, because all of their organs are filed down in alphabetical order, and nothing is ever out of place!"

The second one answers:
"I disagree, the best people to operate upon are engineers; Their organs are very strictly placed exactly ...

The hunchback didn't believe he needed back surgery

He stands corrected.

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Surgery can now provide you with the attributes of animals as body enhancements, such as gorilla arms for strength.

A complaint was filed, however, when a man got an elephant trunk to replace his penis:

"It's great and all but now I can't hang out with my friends much at taverns cuz while we're seated the trunk grabs some peanuts from the bar and sticks them in my asshole."

After I botched a surgery, the entire government is after me and I lost my job.

My Korea went south after that.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you're not sure if you're awake or asleep

or if you operated on the right patient.

Did you hear that Kim Jong Un is in a vegetative state after surgery?

Well… he always did kind of look like a potato

Doctor: Don't be nervous, David. It's just a simple heart surgery.

Patient: My name is not David.

Doctor: I know... I'm David.

I've heard that the best deals on plastic surgery can be found in Great Britain...

...pound for pound.

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A girl is about to have a heart surgery, holding hands with her boyfriend and talking

G: I love you Mike.

B: I love you more.

Girl gets put to sleep and the surgery begins.

A few hours later, she wakes up, and only her dad is next to her.

She asks : Where is Mike?

Dad answers : You don't know who gave you his heart?

Girl is shocked and start...

Blind man goes for surgery

A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.

"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."

"Is that a ...

A transplant patient of mine asked how long he’ll have to wait for surgery

I don’t have the heart to tell him.

A man is having LASIK eye surgery

**Ophthalmologist:** John, stay calm. This is a simple procedure and the odds of blindness are very low.

**Patient:** Thanks, but my name isn't John.

**Ophthalmologist:** I know, mine is.

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[NSFW] People told me that my dick would be completely different since my surgery,

but I havent noticed a vas deferens because of it.

What did the Finnish surgeon say after he botched a surgery?

Please don’t Soumi.

A botched surgery

Recently I had an old childhood friend over for some drinks. Catching up with him over the course of the evening I learned that he had gone on to become a surgeon. So, I asked him if he could check out a lump that had grown on my wrist. He set down his beer and and looked it over and declared, "W...

Patient: "Doc, will I be able to play the violin after my brain surgery?"

Doctor: "Of course."
Patient: "Really? That's amazing, 'cause I can't play one now!"

Girl: I'm having heart surgery today.

Boy: I know .

Girl: I love you.

Boy: I love you too.

After surgery the girl wakes up and finds her father sitting in the chair.

Girl: Where is my boyfriend ?

Dad: Don't you know who gave you your new heart.

Girl: (With tears in her eyes ) Omg.

Dad : I...

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An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for th...

Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery

It was a joint operation

A pirate walks into a doctor's surgery.

"Avast, sawbones," he growls, "I wants ye to look at the moles on me back. I think they might be of the cancerin' kind."

The doctor has a look at the pirate's back.
"It's OK," he says, "they're benign."


"Arrr... look again," says the pirate, "I'm pretty sure there be ten."

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A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large...

so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help.

The man asked “Doctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?” The doctor said “No, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.”

So the man decided to go to the mo...

What do you call a fish that performs surgery in freshwater?

Lake sturgeon.

Doctor: During surgery, we accidentally amputated your genitals.

Patient: WTF!

Doctor: Ma’am, you need to calm down.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

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Plastic surgery

Woman: *comes out from the hospital after plastic surgery looking young*
*later enters the store*
Woman: Hello, quick question.
Cashier: Ok.
Woman: Can you guess how many years I have?
Cashier: uhhh... 29?
Woman: No, I'm 50. See how beautiful I am.
Cashier: Wow!
*later enters...

three times...

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...

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Caitlyn Jenner deserves credit for getting sexual reassignment surgery.

That decision took balls.

How I became famous at a hospital during a surgery.

So to give some background information. I was 12 years old at the time and at Emory Hospital in Atlanta, Georgia. The reason why was so I could get a tumor out of my eyeball, which was usually a sign of cancer in people in their 50s-60s, not when they are 12. So when I was in the waiting room for my...

Me [before gastrointestinal surgery]:

Me [after gastrointestinal surgery];

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

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A British surgeon was operating on a man who suddenly had a boner in the middle of the surgery. After the surgey, when the man woke up, he said to the Doctor.

"So, how'd the surgery go, Doc?" To which the Surgeon replied: "Everything went rather well, with just a small cock up midway."

Finally got round to booking my laser eye surgery for the 1st January

Can't wait to have 2020 vision.

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Did you hear about the woman who got surgery to put her vagina on her hip?

She said she wanted to make some money on the side.

My wife had laser eye surgery last week

Turns out her vision was initially worse than we knew. But it’s 20/20 now and she’s looking forward to staying friends.

Breast reduction surgery clinic motto:

When life gives you melons, make life take the melons back!

I had cardiac surgery in Cuba but the doctors weren’t that great.

Half of my heart is in Havana

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

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Guy has a massive headache and its not responsive to any medication.

After doctors researching whats wrong with him for months they finally cone to conclusion. They called the guy and deliver the news. Doctor says;

-Its good news, found the problem.

-What is it doc?

-We need to remove your penis.

Guy looks sad. But after some consideration...

A blonde is scheduled to have brain surgery...

The surgeon proceeds to sedate her and opens her skull... To his surprise, there was no brain inside, just a nice red silk thread running across the inside.



He didn't know what to do, so he simply cut the thread..... and her ears fell off....

Beware of performing surgery on your Dad . . .

An older gentleman was on the operating table, awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.   

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.   

"Yes, Dad. What is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son. Do your best. ...

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Why won’t cannibals eat obese people after they have had sexual reassignment surgery?

Trans fats are bad for your health.

"You just need to relax Steve, it's just a minor surgery, it happens everyday with no issues" the surgeon said

The patient replies "But my name isn't Steve"

Nervously, the surgeon replies "But my name is"

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A married couple was in a terrible accident...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the do...

Plastic surgery

I told my family and friends that I’m leaving my job to pursue my lifelong dream of being a plastic surgeon.

That should raise a few eyebrows.

A Pirate walks into a Doctors Surgery..

The Doctor says "Sir do you realise you have a ships steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"


The Pirate replies "Arr"

"It be driving me nuts"

What’s the definition of minor surgery?

An operation performed on somebody else.

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The Dead Cow and Vet School . . .

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to h...

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A Florida man had his penis ripped off by a prostitute after it had just been sewn back on after a surgery mishap.

The Chief of Police said this was redickless.

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A woman rings the surgery to ask about a pregnancy test

The receptionist makes an appointment and says "Be sure to bring in a urine sample". The woman says "okay" and hangs up, then turns to her husband and says "What's a urine sample?". He looks puzzled and says "I don't know, it's not like I've ever been for a pregnancy test. But Betty next door has, w...

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I can never go back

A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his
help to revive her man's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy.

"He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coff...

I trust the doctors performing my Spinal cord bypass surgery

because they have my back.

There's a doctor's surgery in my town that is almost impossible to get to. It's on an island in a lake but there's no ferry or even a dock for private boats.

Every patient that's made it there has flu.

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A lady goes into hospital for labia reduction surgery...

When she wakes up she finds three cards on her bedside table. The first card is from her the surgeon and says "the surgery was a complete success, get well soon" she says to herself "how nice." The second card is from her husband and says "glad the surgery was a success, love you and get well soon. ...

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

Going into open heart surgery

I asked the doctor how long am I going to be in the hospital??

He said, if all goes well, about a week... if it doesn't, about 30 minutes..

[credit: Rodney Dangerfield]

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A doctor came up with a new surgery

A doctor came up with a new surgery called a “race change”. An asian man was curious, so he went through the surgery and became caucasian. Two weeks later the doctor asked, “How does it feel? Is everything okay?” The asian man said “It’s great! This whole experience was a real... eye opener”

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A man got into an accident and got third degree burn

The doctors told his wife that only her butt cheek's skin is suitable for a plastic surgery for her husband's burnt face

The wife agreed.

Operation was done and the man look even more handsome than before.

After 1 year past, the husband randomly asked his wife..

Husband: ...

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This guy Bill has been having headaches for about 40 years..

...he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these heada...

A black guy loses a middle finger in a work accident.

The surgeon tells him: "I'm sorry but I cannot attach your original finger due to the damage. However, I can attach one from a dead person. The thing is, I only have fingers from white people available."

The black guy says it's no problem, as long as he can use all fingers again.

Surge...

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

What did the eye surgeon say after his first surgery?

-Well, that was an eye opening experience.

A surgeon was getting ready to operate on a patient. "David," he said, "don't worry. Remain calm. This is just a minor surgery." The patient replied, "my name is not David."

"I know," the surgeon said. "My name is David."

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress un...

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American contracts std in China.

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom.
A week after arriving back home, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, ...

Did you hear about the scandal with Elon Musk embezzling money for his surgery to make him taller?

Look it up, it's called Elongate.

Google announces new usage of an old tool: sending vital organs for surgery via landlines. The organ at the other end will be a working copy of the original, giving an unprecedented supply of life-saving organs to families in need.

They're calling it "The Fax of Life."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 surgeons are in a bar...

They're arguing over who is the best surgeon out of all of them. The first one goes, "Well, one of my patients lost his leg, but after I gave him a prosthetic leg, he became an Olympic runner." Second one goes, "Psh, that's nothing! I once had a patient with several brain disabilities and was mental...

What do you do first before going in for facial reconstructive surgery?

You pick your nose.

A man was getting surgery to treat his bad vision

Man: are you sure this is going to work?

Doctor: you'll see.

A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.

He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."

After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have ...

How much does Male to Female surgery cost?

About a third of your salary.

A man is going through a surgery. Before the surgery started, the doctor said "No need to be afraid Charlie, it's gonna be over soon." "But my name isn't Charlie." the man replies, confused.

"Charlie is my name." said the doctor.

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Joe goes to buy a new suit after surgery

This joke belongs to Buddy Hackett (August 31, 1924 – June 30, 2003)

I never saw a version here that correctly attributed this to him.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.<...

New doctor is being mentored by old doctor...

...as they make rounds visiting patients, new doctor reads the chart of one of the patients and turns really sad.

Old doc: "what's the matter?"

New doc: "Well, this young patient is about to have his leg amputated and I have no idea how to break these terrible news to him."

Old...

After colectomy surgery, the wife : What do you feel right now?

The husband Not good at all, I seem to have lost something.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery..

I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

A stand up comedian named Michael went to get his appendix removed. What did he call the night of his surgery?

Open Mike Night

Oops I missed a week

Has anyone seen my last post on here about me and my brother's spime surgery?

It was about 2 weak backs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a doctor's surgery

He says "Doctor, I have a strawberry stuck in my arse".

Doctor says "I have some cream for that".

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! 

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

I met the guy who performed my eye surgery

I have to say he really opened my eyes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A stutterer's wife was getting annoyed of his stutter...

So she asks him to go see a doctor. When the men got to the hospital and explained everything the doctor said:

"Pull down your pants."

"W-why?"

"Just do it."

"O-ok."

"There's the problem. You have a big penis that is pulling down your diaphragm. You will have to do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's it called when a man gets penis enlargement surgery?

An adalittledictamy

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

I overheard something about a guy who died in a surgery

I guess his heart wasn’t in the right place.

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