A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

My uncle woke up mid-surgery

Thankfully the patient was still sleeping

Tiger Woods issues statement to Reddit regarding tasteless comments about his emergency knee surgery in r/Jokes.

"I won't stand for this"

Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

Cosmetic surgery used to be a pretty taboo subject

Now you mention botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.

A patient gets its eyes checked after cataract surgery

He asks his doctor: “How does it look, doc? Am I able the play the piano?”
Doctor: “It looks all fine. With the right glasses it should be no problem.”
Patient: “That’s amazing, I’ve never played the piano before!”

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I see some new faces today and I must say I'm pretty disappointed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Did you hear about the mail-order surgery kit you can have delivered straight to your door?

It's called Suture Self.

Why did the hipster put off their surgery?

The anesthesia wasn’t local.

When my doctor told me my plastic surgery was free of charge...

the look on my face was priceless.

I used to think that cardiac transplant surgery wasn't for me

But then I had a change of heart

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him.....

He insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

"Don't be nervous son, do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........

......your ...

Man:"Doctor, I'm so afraid, this is my first surgery!"

Doctor:"Don't worry, this is also my first surgery!"

[NSFW] A 47 year old woman gets plastic surgery to look younger.

She was walking down the street and asked a random stranger to guess her age.
The stranger thought for a minute and answered, "25."
"Nope, I'm actually 47," she said.
"Wow," said the stranger.
The woman smiled and continued walking until she got to McDonald's. When she got to the front o...

My friend recently had surgery, and tells me he feels like a million bucks

Sadly, he lives in Zimbabwe

An Actual Event that Happened Before and After My Brain Surgery

I was looking one day before my brain surgery at a picture with all the hospital presidents in the picture.

Cue a few days and after surgery. My neurosurgeon arrived in my patient room and asked me a question to see if my brain was functioning correctly. The question was, “Who was the presid...

A doctor is performing surgery on his patient

All of a sudden the door swings open and in comes running a desperate man. He shouts “help me doctor, im shrinking!!!” The doctor calmly says “Settle down a bit, you can’t just come barging in here like that...you’ll have to learn to be a little patient”

Man blind from birth hears about a new surgery to restore his sight

A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.

"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."

"Is that a c...

For the second year in a row, I was the keynote speaker at a plastic surgery convention...

"I see a lot of new faces here today."

I'm pretty sure they won't invite me back next year.

I recently had surgery and now I can't see foward

Guess you could say I can't keep my head straight

My grandma had cataract surgery on both eyes

I was on the phone with my grandpa asking how she was feeling.

Gpa: She’s recovering really well, she can see much clearer. She’s pretty happy with the results.

Me: That’s good, no side effects?

Gpa: There is one troubling side effect

Me: What? Is she okay?

Gp...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First-year students at the Florida School of Veterinarian Medicine were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of...

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

So I’m getting a tumor removed that’s a part of my facial nerve, and they’re going to remove part the of nerve with it. I’m trying to talk my doctor into not doing the surgery

I’m losing my nerve

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new plastic surgery for missing eye lids has been invented.

It used circumcised men’s forskin to rebuilt the eye lids.
Unfortunately early results are disappointing, everyone has ended up cock eyed.

BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.

They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The plastic surgery industry seems to neglect the market for middle aged dangling balls

Seems like low hanging fruit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: What do you call a urologist who performs reconstructive surgery?

A cocksmith.

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery on his inner ear, having suffered a long term issue with his balance.

His daughter comes to visit and his face lights up when he sees her escorted in by the doctor. The doctor takes his daughter aside briefly and says 'It's early days bu...

I told my doctor I didn't want a brain surgery...

But he changed my mind anyway.

A North Korean general is to undergo surgery

"His heart again?", asks the doctor

"No, chest expansion surgery, to make room for one more Gold medal"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A patient wakes up after surgery.

A quite nervous doctor is waiting in the room.

"I don't know how to say this, but the surgeon made a mistake and amputated your penis.

"That imbacile did what? I'm going to sue him for everything he owns.

"Miss, please calm down."

A lawyer wakes up after surgery

He asks the nurse why the blinds are drawn. She says, "There's a fire outside and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

My dog has to wear this cone till he heals from surgery. It helps with the biting, but the barking?

He sounds like a sub-whoofer.

Surgery

Doctor: now normally we replace it with a glass ball, but for you we have one made out of cedar. Would you like that instead?
Patient: wood eye? Of course!

It’s never a good idea to attempt any type of cardiac surgery before going to medical school.

That would be putting the heart before the course.

I got hurt while performing a surgery on a bee.

It was a sting operation.

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife...

“Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for...

A doctor is just about to perform surgery

So, a doctor is just about to perform surgery.

Doctor: Relax, David. It's just a small surgery. Don't panic.

Patient: My name is not David.

Doctor: I know. I am David.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Corrective Surgery



When Ralph first noticed his penis was growing longer and staying erect longer he was delighted, as was his wife. After several weeks his penis had grown to sixteen inches. Ralph became quite concerned as he was having problems dressing and a lot of trouble walking. So he and his wife went t...

One of my friends got female to male surgery done

That’s my ex-girl friend

The patient was laying on his back, waiting for the surgery to begin.

He asked the doctor, just to pass the time, “Hey, can I do my own anesthetics? Must be one hell of a high.”

The doctor snorted bemusedly and said “sure kid, knock yourself out.”

I woke up after surgery and said to the doctor, "I can't feel my legs!"

"I know," he said, "I amputated your arms."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes in for hernia surgery

After the operation, the doctor meets him in the recovery room.

"Sir, the operation was successful but I have bad news. We accidentally removed your testicles during the surgery."

The man was immediately furious.

"You bastards! You dumb idiots! I'll kill you for this!"

T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

Last year, I got laser eye surgery, and I've never looked back.

I couldn't do that before either, so I kind of saw it coming.

I have so much respect for male to female trans people...

I mean, that surgery takes balls.

What happens to a failed brain surgery?

The patient loses its mind.

When I was a baby, I had to have surgery to remove 10 nipples, I still have 2. But yes, I was born with 12.

Sounds crazy, dozen tit?

A young man walked into the doctor's surgery

A young man walked into the doctor's surgery and said:

"I want to thank you doc. Your last treatment did wonders for me!"

The doctor looked at him, surprised. "Are you one of my patients?" he asked.

"No," said the young man. "But my uncle was, and they've just read his will."

Spaghetti wife is sitting the the waiting room, waiting for her husband to get out of surgery

The doctor walks in and says " Im sorry to inform you but your husband pasta-way."

"We're losing him!" shouted the physician assistant halfway through the surgery

"Not on my watch!" shouted the surgeon.


And he runs out of the operating room.

Respectfully cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. ...

What did the conjoined twins change their dating profile to after surgery?

Recently Separated

I got thrown out of the dentist's surgery for dancing.

I mean, he's the one who asked me to floss...

woman decides to get cosmetic surgery

She gets a face lift, a nose job and implants.


She was feeling a bit insecure about it after so on her first day out she goes to a restaurant. She asks the man behind the register what he thinks her age is. He guesses early 30s and she is delighted and says I am 43.


S...

A woman just came home after a plastic surgery

She went straight to her husband, and handed him a heavy bill. He took a long look at his wife before looking back down at the bill, “When did they start taking payment in advance?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been getting horrible debilitating headaches for a long time a& finally decided to go to the doctor...

And he’s just begging for some relief. “They just won’t stop,” he says. “I can’t do anything, my work is suffering, I can’t spend time with my family, it’s just gotta stop!”

So the doctor does some tests and says, “well there’s good news & bad news. The good news is, I found the problem, ...

TIL amputation surgery is really expensive

it costs an arm and a leg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor and a patient at a plastic surgery clinic.

Patient: "I heard doctors put up random stuff to make their work seem more complicated."

Doctor: "That's true to a degree. Some of the stuff in this room are just for show."

Patient looks around the room pointing at a thermometer: "Do you use that?"

Doctor: "Not really."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My gf recommended I get a penis enlargement surgery. I told her I'd get it done...

... as long as it made her happy

A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked...

A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked on a gurney in the hallway when a man in a white coat came by, lifted the sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared.


A few minutes later, the same man stopped by again, lifted her sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared.


When...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors...

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors, so the only available option to the surgeon was to attach a baby elephant's trunk. After the surgery and healing process, the guy is ready to start dating again. He's out on his 1st date since the accident and while at the dinn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library.

Some tosser has taken the appendix out.

A friend of mine is ex military and recently needed surgery.

Just before his surgery was scheduled I went to see him. Upon knocking on his door he asked, friend or enema?

I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds.

I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week.

What do you call a manly flower that needs surgery?

A trans-plant!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three surgeons are arguing what type of person is the easiest to perform surgery to

The first one says:
"Well, it's obviously librarians, because all of their organs are filed down in alphabetical order, and nothing is ever out of place!"

The second one answers:
"I disagree, the best people to operate upon are engineers; Their organs are very strictly placed exactly ...

A pirate walks into a doctor's surgery.

"Avast, sawbones," he growls, "I wants ye to look at the moles on me back. I think they might be of the cancerin' kind."

The doctor has a look at the pirate's back.
"It's OK," he says, "they're benign."


"Arrr... look again," says the pirate, "I'm pretty sure there be ten."

A father decided to cancel his surgery.

"Don't you want to get rid of that tumor?" His children asked, to which he just shrugged at.

"Its growing on me."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked ... “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl. "Wha...

I hate that feeling after surgery when you're not sure if you're awake or asleep

or if you operated on the right patient.

Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery

It was a joint operation

While recovering from surgery in the I.C.U...

...I couldn't help feeling like someone was watching me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese man told his dad about his failed knee surgery.

His dad replied, "No Knee"?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl is about to have a heart surgery, holding hands with her boyfriend and talking

G: I love you Mike.

B: I love you more.

Girl gets put to sleep and the surgery begins.

A few hours later, she wakes up, and only her dad is next to her.

She asks : Where is Mike?

Dad answers : You don't know who gave you his heart?

Girl is shocked and start...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once Abdul's wife had a severe stomach ache..

He tried Google, asked his friends and relatives, but no respite from the pain for his wife. Finally, someone suggested to him a reputed Gastroenterologist, and he called him.

Abdul: "Doctor! Please help my wife. She has a severe stomach ache, and I tried everywhere, and nothing is helping. W...

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery:

Oops!

Has anyone seen my watch?

That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.

Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Well, this book doesn’t say that… What edition is your manual?

Ok, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Johnson has been having constant headaches ever since his teenage years. For years and years his doctor tries to cure him, but the headaches only get worse and worse.

Finally, one day, the doctor asks Mr. Johnson to undress. After inspecting Mr. Johnson's body, he sees the problem.

"You have an extremely rare condition," explains the doc. "Your testicles are pressed up against your spinal cord, giving you headaches. This condition has no known cause and on...

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The prostitutes operation...

An old prostitute tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses car...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During his surgery, my grandpa kept waking up, grabbing the nurse's boobs, laughing, then flatlining until they restarted his heart again.

He's pretty touch and go right now...

After I botched a surgery, the entire government is after me and I lost my job.

My Korea went south after that.

Girl: I'm having heart surgery today.

Boy: I know .

Girl: I love you.

Boy: I love you too.

After surgery the girl wakes up and finds her father sitting in the chair.

Girl: Where is my boyfriend ?

Dad: Don't you know who gave you your new heart.

Girl: (With tears in her eyes ) Omg.

Dad : I...

Joke

I lent my friend $5000 for plastic surgery
Now I don’t know what she looks like

A lawyer undergoes surgery

While undergoing surgery, a lawyer has a vision of God by his bedside.

"Am I going to die?" Asked the Lawyer.

"No my son," replied God, "You have another 30 years to live."

Unfortunately the surgery was unsuccessful, and the lawyer died shortly after the procedure.

The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for th...

My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England.

We call him Sir Gen

Did you hear about the surgeon who botched Kim Jong Un surgery?

Yeah, me neither.

I was having heart surgery and the doctor said something before I went under

He said, “Don’t worry Dave it’s gonna be fine even though you haven’t done this before”

Suddenly concerned, I replied saying that my name was not in fact Dave

To which the doctor said, “oh, that’s actually my name”.

Saw this as a response to sometime on an aksreddit thread a w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surgery can now provide you with the attributes of animals as body enhancements, such as gorilla arms for strength.

A complaint was filed, however, when a man got an elephant trunk to replace his penis:

"It's great and all but now I can't hang out with my friends much at taverns cuz while we're seated the trunk grabs some peanuts from the bar and sticks them in my asshole."

The hunchback didn't believe he needed back surgery

He stands corrected.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

The man says, “D.D.D.D.D. Doctor. I.I.I.I. I can’t stop st.st.st. stuttering. P.P.P.P.P. Please help.”

After a thorough exam, the doctor tells the man, “We’ve found that your penis is 14 inches long and weighs 3 pounds. The strain of t...

Doctor: During surgery, we accidentally amputated your genitals.

Patient: WTF!

Doctor: Ma’am, you need to calm down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid lost his eyelids in a fire a few months back...

So for Christmas this year his parents saved up enough so that he could get surgery to replace them.

In order to do that they had to circumcise him and make him eyelids out of his Willy hoodie.

The surgery went well, and he can once again close his eyes, but I guess now you can say
...

A transplant patient of mine asked how long he’ll have to wait for surgery

I don’t have the heart to tell him.

Came up with this just now...

What do you call two people who have had a lot of plastic surgery, making out?

Lip-py-suction

I'm sorry I'll go.

A man is having LASIK eye surgery

**Ophthalmologist:** John, stay calm. This is a simple procedure and the odds of blindness are very low.

**Patient:** Thanks, but my name isn't John.

**Ophthalmologist:** I know, mine is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agr...

The guy with hemorrhoids

A guy had a hemorrhoids surgery, so his friend came to visit. When When he arrived he found the guy's son on the door, he asked him: what was your father's surgery?
The kid felt shy to say hemorrhoids, so he said: his ear.

The friend entered the room, greeted, checked on him then he said: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Caitlyn Jenner deserves credit for getting sexual reassignment surgery.

That decision took balls.

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] People told me that my dick would be completely different since my surgery,

but I havent noticed a vas deferens because of it.

What did the Finnish surgeon say after he botched a surgery?

Please don’t Soumi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Plastic surgery

Woman: *comes out from the hospital after plastic surgery looking young*
*later enters the store*
Woman: Hello, quick question.
Cashier: Ok.
Woman: Can you guess how many years I have?
Cashier: uhhh... 29?
Woman: No, I'm 50. See how beautiful I am.
Cashier: Wow!
*later enters...

Finally got round to booking my laser eye surgery for the 1st January

Can't wait to have 2020 vision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman who is pregnant with triplets (boys) is walking on the street when all of a sudden she gets shot 3 times in the stomach.

Upon arrival at the hospital the doctor tells her she will live and so will the 3 boys. He also tells her surgery isnt necessary to remove the bullets and the bullets will find its way out the natural way.

10 years have passed since the accident .when 1 of the boys runs up to his mom screamin...

What do you call a fish that performs surgery in freshwater?

Lake sturgeon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A woman is pregnant with triplets...

One day whilst out walking, she is caught in the middle of a shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them.

The woman eventually e...

Karen: Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.

Tucker: You don’t need make-up, Karen.

Karen: Oh, Tucker…. really? That is so sweet of you!

Tucker: You need plastic surgery.

How I became famous at a hospital during a surgery.

So to give some background information. I was 12 years old at the time and at Emory Hospital in Atlanta, Georgia. The reason why was so I could get a tumor out of my eyeball, which was usually a sign of cancer in people in their 50s-60s, not when they are 12. So when I was in the waiting room for my...

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