A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

A surgeon is about to perform his first surgery...

...and the patient is lying on the surgical table, waiting for the anesthetist. The doctor grabs the patient's hand and takes a deep breath.

Surgeon: "Don't worry, Richard, this is not big deal, just a few cuts here and there, and all done in less than an hour. Tonight you rest, watch the gam...

Tiger Woods issues statement to Reddit regarding tasteless comments about his emergency knee surgery in r/Jokes.

"I won't stand for this"

A patient gets its eyes checked after cataract surgery

He asks his doctor: “How does it look, doc? Am I able the play the piano?”
Doctor: “It looks all fine. With the right glasses it should be no problem.”
Patient: “That’s amazing, I’ve never played the piano before!”

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him.....

He insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

"Don't be nervous son, do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........

......your ...

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist said I could be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

So I guess it was an ether/oar situation.

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject

Now when you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.

I gave my wife £10,000 to get plastic surgery

Last week she took the money, got the surgery and ran away.


So not only am i down 10 grand, i don't know who to look for.

Doctor: Don’t be nervous Jeff, it’s gonna be a quick surgery.

Patient: But my name isn’t Jeff..

Doctor: I know, it’s mine.

I just lent my friend £20,000 for plastic surgery

The trouble is I don't know what he looks like now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Doctor: sorry but I had to remove your colon in the surgery..

Me why?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up after a surgery.

Doctor: "We accidentally amputated your penis."

Patient: "What the FUCK!!!"

Doctor: "Ma'am, please calm down."

A patient runs into a doctor’s surgery yelling out: “I’m shrinking! I’m shrinking! What should I do?”

The doctor replies: “you are just going to have to be a little patient.”

On pride month, the trans man spoke about how free he felt after his surgery.

It was like a huge weight off his chest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue.

The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.
When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

A 3-year-old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.

“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.

“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.

“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.

“Yes, it is.” – she says.

“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.

“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replie...

My wife bought me a 'Good Luck' bracelet with my initials on it before I went into hospital for some surgery.

I think there must have been a misprint at the manufacturers,
because my initials are 'RND' and this one said 'DNR'.

A man walked into the doctor's surgery

He had half a bun on his head, a sausage behind his ear, several pickles in his shirt and an ice cream cone on his foot.

The doctor took one look and said
"Im afraid you're not eating properly."

I think something went wrong during my laser eye surgery.

I can see just fine, but I can't figure out how to shoot the lasers

I had so much fun doing surgery

I might become a surgeon one day

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or . . . .

if you operated on the right patient.

Hey did I tell you I need to get stomach surgery?

I'm kinda nervous because the surgeons name is Dr Hans R. Shakey

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This woman wanted to have some rejuvenation surgery after her years of child birthing, so she decided to get a vaginoplasty.

When she awakens from surgery, she sees three vases on her bedside table with flowers in them. The nurse walks into the room, and the woman asks “Hey, who are these flowers from?” The nurse looks at her and says “Well, one is from the doctor, he just wanted to thank you for shaving and cleaning up e...

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A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I see some new faces today and I must say I'm pretty disappointed.

Mr. Chair is in distress after Mrs Chair went under surgery, even after it went successful, with no incidents whatsoever.

So one of his friends asks Mr Chair what happened. And he answered: "I've been married to my wonderful and lovely Mrs Chair for fifteen years, and now this doctor comes with a stupid smile on his face and tells me she's table!"

-

Obligatory: English is not my native tongue, so sorry f...

A man went into surgery to remove his tonsils.

Due to a hospital error he got circumcised.


Media was alerted by an anonymous tip.

"The surgery went successful Mr. Dawson, we removed the infected vertebra from your spine."

Dawson: "Doc you sure this will solve my problem?"

Dr: "Don't worry, we got your back!"

A doctor was performing surgery on a patient with one hand

The nurse said that if he used both it would be easier

What happened to the Professional Writer who had bowel surgery?

He ended up with a semi-colon.

I was stuck in the hospital after surgery and had a question for the doctor.

I asked if I was going to die, and if I was could I meet Eminem before I died.

He said the chances were both very Slim.

Did you hear about the mail-order surgery kit you can have delivered straight to your door?

It's called Suture Self.

When my doctor told me my plastic surgery was free of charge...

the look on my face was priceless.

Man blind from birth hears about a new surgery to restore his sight

A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.

"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."

"Is that a c...

I used to think that cardiac transplant surgery wasn't for me

But then I had a change of heart

Man:"Doctor, I'm so afraid, this is my first surgery!"

Doctor:"Don't worry, this is also my first surgery!"

My friend recently had surgery, and tells me he feels like a million bucks

Sadly, he lives in Zimbabwe

A patient was going to the hospital one day to get his surgery.

Doctor: Calm down Bob, this is your first surgery

Patient: Haha... Well thanks for being concerned but this is actually my third surgery and no, my name is Lloyd not Bob

Doctor: No, I am Bob.

Doctor: i have some good news and some bad news after your surgery.

Patient: give me the bad news first.
Doctor: we f&$&d up and amputated the wrong leg
Patient: my god! wtf can’t be real! Give me the good news then
Doctor: the leg that needed to be amputated is getting better now and we don’t need to amputate it anymore.

A doctor is performing surgery on his patient

All of a sudden the door swings open and in comes running a desperate man. He shouts “help me doctor, im shrinking!!!” The doctor calmly says “Settle down a bit, you can’t just come barging in here like that...you’ll have to learn to be a little patient”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.

They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive

For the second year in a row, I was the keynote speaker at a plastic surgery convention...

"I see a lot of new faces here today."

I'm pretty sure they won't invite me back next year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Rather Distasteful Joke

New students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important quali...

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Elizabeth Taylor goes in to get her vagina reconditioned.

Elizabeth : Dr. I want to have the vagina of an 18 year old.

Dr. : Ok that can be done.

Elizabeth: Ok but please, ABSOLUTELY NO PAPARAZZI or MEDIA involvement!

Dr. : Of course, it will be completely confidential.


The surgery occurs with no complications. in f...

So I’m getting a tumor removed that’s a part of my facial nerve, and they’re going to remove part the of nerve with it. I’m trying to talk my doctor into not doing the surgery

I’m losing my nerve

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new plastic surgery for missing eye lids has been invented.

It used circumcised men’s forskin to rebuilt the eye lids.
Unfortunately early results are disappointing, everyone has ended up cock eyed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A man with a large penis goes to the doctor

For he has a very bad stuttering problem.

He says the to doctor “i i i I’ve g g g got a a a a p p p problem i can’t t t t talk in f f f full S S S sentences.”

The doctor says “well maybe you just have a bad stutter but we will run some tests on you to make sure.”

So they run t...

[NSFW] A 47 year old woman gets plastic surgery to look younger.

She was walking down the street and asked a random stranger to guess her age.
The stranger thought for a minute and answered, "25."
"Nope, I'm actually 47," she said.
"Wow," said the stranger.
The woman smiled and continued walking until she got to McDonald's. When she got to the front o...

An Actual Event that Happened Before and After My Brain Surgery

I was looking one day before my brain surgery at a picture with all the hospital presidents in the picture.

Cue a few days and after surgery. My neurosurgeon arrived in my patient room and asked me a question to see if my brain was functioning correctly. The question was, “Who was the presid...

My grandma had cataract surgery on both eyes

I was on the phone with my grandpa asking how she was feeling.

Gpa: She’s recovering really well, she can see much clearer. She’s pretty happy with the results.

Me: That’s good, no side effects?

Gpa: There is one troubling side effect

Me: What? Is she okay?

Gp...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: What do you call a urologist who performs reconstructive surgery?

A cocksmith.

Two doctors are sitting on a bench at a park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:

- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong

- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia

- I have to disagree with you: that dra...

A lawyer wakes up after surgery

He asks the nurse why the blinds are drawn. She says, "There's a fire outside and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The plastic surgery industry seems to neglect the market for middle aged dangling balls

Seems like low hanging fruit.

I told my doctor I didn't want a brain surgery...

But he changed my mind anyway.

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery on his inner ear, having suffered a long term issue with his balance.

His daughter comes to visit and his face lights up when he sees her escorted in by the doctor. The doctor takes his daughter aside briefly and says 'It's early days bu...

A North Korean general is to undergo surgery

"His heart again?", asks the doctor

"No, chest expansion surgery, to make room for one more Gold medal"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A patient wakes up after surgery.

A quite nervous doctor is waiting in the room.

"I don't know how to say this, but the surgeon made a mistake and amputated your penis.

"That imbacile did what? I'm going to sue him for everything he owns.

"Miss, please calm down."

My dog has to wear this cone till he heals from surgery. It helps with the biting, but the barking?

He sounds like a sub-whoofer.

I got hurt while performing a surgery on a bee.

It was a sting operation.

Surgery

Doctor: now normally we replace it with a glass ball, but for you we have one made out of cedar. Would you like that instead?
Patient: wood eye? Of course!

It’s never a good idea to attempt any type of cardiac surgery before going to medical school.

That would be putting the heart before the course.

The patient was laying on his back, waiting for the surgery to begin.

He asked the doctor, just to pass the time, “Hey, can I do my own anesthetics? Must be one hell of a high.”

The doctor snorted bemusedly and said “sure kid, knock yourself out.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Corrective Surgery



When Ralph first noticed his penis was growing longer and staying erect longer he was delighted, as was his wife. After several weeks his penis had grown to sixteen inches. Ralph became quite concerned as he was having problems dressing and a lot of trouble walking. So he and his wife went t...

One of my friends got female to male surgery done

That’s my ex-girl friend

I woke up after surgery and said to the doctor, "I can't feel my legs!"

"I know," he said, "I amputated your arms."

What happens to a failed brain surgery?

The patient loses its mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes in for hernia surgery

After the operation, the doctor meets him in the recovery room.

"Sir, the operation was successful but I have bad news. We accidentally removed your testicles during the surgery."

The man was immediately furious.

"You bastards! You dumb idiots! I'll kill you for this!"

T...

When I was a baby, I had to have surgery to remove 10 nipples, I still have 2. But yes, I was born with 12.

Sounds crazy, dozen tit?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

Last year, I got laser eye surgery, and I've never looked back.

I couldn't do that before either, so I kind of saw it coming.

"We're losing him!" shouted the physician assistant halfway through the surgery

"Not on my watch!" shouted the surgeon.


And he runs out of the operating room.

In other news

Inspired by Colin Mochrie's 6:00 News on Who's Line, I tried to come up with my own.

We now return you to your 6:00 news. I'm your host, Armand Dangerous. Earlier today, a man who lost a digit to his foot after a grievous skiing accident underwent a groundbreaking surgery where he requested t...

I got thrown out of the dentist's surgery for dancing.

I mean, he's the one who asked me to floss...

woman decides to get cosmetic surgery

She gets a face lift, a nose job and implants.


She was feeling a bit insecure about it after so on her first day out she goes to a restaurant. She asks the man behind the register what he thinks her age is. He guesses early 30s and she is delighted and says I am 43.


S...

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My gf recommended I get a penis enlargement surgery. I told her I'd get it done...

... as long as it made her happy

Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery

It was a joint operation

Spaghetti wife is sitting the the waiting room, waiting for her husband to get out of surgery

The doctor walks in and says " Im sorry to inform you but your husband pasta-way."

A pirate walks into a doctor's surgery.

"Avast, sawbones," he growls, "I wants ye to look at the moles on me back. I think they might be of the cancerin' kind."

The doctor has a look at the pirate's back.
"It's OK," he says, "they're benign."


"Arrr... look again," says the pirate, "I'm pretty sure there be ten."

What did the conjoined twins change their dating profile to after surgery?

Recently Separated

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After making love, a guy rolls over and says "That's the best sex I've ever had!"

Then he notices a picture of a man on the nightstand. Worried, he asks "Is that your husband"?

"No silly" she replied, as she snuggled into him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked

"Nope", she replied.

"Then who?" he asked?

"That's me before surgery" she replies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You are not the boss of me.

A couple visit their family doctor. "Doc, I'd like you to perform a castration on me." The doctor is taken by surprise and says, " Whoa now, that's a bit extreme..." The husband cuts the doctor off mid sentence, "Look here Doc, the wife and I have discussed this for some time and while we want you ...

A woman lent a blind man 100,000 dollars

The blind man said:
I’ll pay my debt when I see you.

The blind man returned 1 week later. He pays the 100,000 dollars back and says:
The surgery went well!

To celebrate my cake day, here’s a joke that gave me a giggle

An old lady walks into a dental surgery, sits down in the chair, lifts her knees up and spreads her legs.

Dentist: ‘Miss, I believe you’re in the wrong room’.

Woman: ‘You put my husbands new teeth in last week. I’m here to have them removed’.

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Loose and Floppy Vagina

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.


Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she foun...

A woman just came home after a plastic surgery

She went straight to her husband, and handed him a heavy bill. He took a long look at his wife before looking back down at the bill, “When did they start taking payment in advance?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three surgeons are arguing what type of person is the easiest to perform surgery to

The first one says:
"Well, it's obviously librarians, because all of their organs are filed down in alphabetical order, and nothing is ever out of place!"

The second one answers:
"I disagree, the best people to operate upon are engineers; Their organs are very strictly placed exactly ...

A young man walked into the doctor's surgery

A young man walked into the doctor's surgery and said:

"I want to thank you doc. Your last treatment did wonders for me!"

The doctor looked at him, surprised. "Are you one of my patients?" he asked.

"No," said the young man. "But my uncle was, and they've just read his will."

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A doctor and a patient at a plastic surgery clinic.

Patient: "I heard doctors put up random stuff to make their work seem more complicated."

Doctor: "That's true to a degree. Some of the stuff in this room are just for show."

Patient looks around the room pointing at a thermometer: "Do you use that?"

Doctor: "Not really."

...

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An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for th...

A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked...

A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked on a gurney in the hallway when a man in a white coat came by, lifted the sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared.


A few minutes later, the same man stopped by again, lifted her sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared.


When...

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A girl is about to have a heart surgery, holding hands with her boyfriend and talking

G: I love you Mike.

B: I love you more.

Girl gets put to sleep and the surgery begins.

A few hours later, she wakes up, and only her dad is next to her.

She asks : Where is Mike?

Dad answers : You don't know who gave you his heart?

Girl is shocked and start...

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

TIL amputation surgery is really expensive

it costs an arm and a leg

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds.

I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week.

Guy goes into the hospital with a bad case of gangrene on his foot ...

... doctor says “we’re going to need to amputate this foot immediately before it spreads”.

He goes through surgery and as he wakes up from his slumber the doctor says “well sir, I have some good news and bad news, what do you want first?”

“I’ll take the bad news first”

“Okay, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library.

Some tosser has taken the appendix out.

A friend of mine is ex military and recently needed surgery.

Just before his surgery was scheduled I went to see him. Upon knocking on his door he asked, friend or enema?

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery:

Oops!

Has anyone seen my watch?

That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.

Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Well, this book doesn’t say that… What edition is your manual?

Ok, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly ...

A woman once hears a voice in her head.

One day a woman was walking on the street when she heard a voice in her head say,"You have only 5 years left to live.

The woman believes that she just heard the voice of God,warning her and decides to live the rest of her life as luxurious as she could. So she goes to the mall and buys the cl...

A father decided to cancel his surgery.

"Don't you want to get rid of that tumor?" His children asked, to which he just shrugged at.

"Its growing on me."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked ... “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl. "Wha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese man told his dad about his failed knee surgery.

His dad replied, "No Knee"?

While recovering from surgery in the I.C.U...

...I couldn't help feeling like someone was watching me.

What do you call a manly flower that needs surgery?

A trans-plant!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors...

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors, so the only available option to the surgeon was to attach a baby elephant's trunk. After the surgery and healing process, the guy is ready to start dating again. He's out on his 1st date since the accident and while at the dinn...

Surgery on an appendix today would have to be

An appandemictomy.

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife...

“Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for...

Girl: I'm having heart surgery today.

Boy: I know .

Girl: I love you.

Boy: I love you too.

After surgery the girl wakes up and finds her father sitting in the chair.

Girl: Where is my boyfriend ?

Dad: Don't you know who gave you your new heart.

Girl: (With tears in her eyes ) Omg.

Dad : I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He probably drank beaver milk (clever reference to the movie The Animal)

This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the acci...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Buttox surgery

A woman goes into work and receives a bunch of compliments regarding her appearance. Another woman asks what her secret was and the first woman said she had buttox surgery. Confused the second woman asks "Do you mean botox?" The first said "No, buttox. I sat down really fast and hard then all th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During his surgery, my grandpa kept waking up, grabbing the nurse's boobs, laughing, then flatlining until they restarted his heart again.

He's pretty touch and go right now...

After I botched a surgery, the entire government is after me and I lost my job.

My Korea went south after that.

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

Did you hear about the surgeon who botched Kim Jong Un surgery?

Yeah, me neither.

I have so much respect for male to female trans people...

I mean, that surgery takes balls.

My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England.

We call him Sir Gen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surgery can now provide you with the attributes of animals as body enhancements, such as gorilla arms for strength.

A complaint was filed, however, when a man got an elephant trunk to replace his penis:

"It's great and all but now I can't hang out with my friends much at taverns cuz while we're seated the trunk grabs some peanuts from the bar and sticks them in my asshole."

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