Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas, or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous

I see a few new faces this week and I have to say I'm very disappointed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

A doctor is performing a surgery on a patient.

Doctor : Relax David, it’s just a small surgery, don’t panic .

Man: But doctor , my name isn’t David.

Doctor : I know, I am David.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor came up with a new surgery

A doctor came up with a new surgery called a “race change”. An asian man was curious, so he went through the surgery and became caucasian. Two weeks later the doctor asked, “How does it feel? Is everything okay?” The asian man said “It’s great! This whole experience was a real... eye opener”

I met the guy who performed my eye surgery

I have to say he really opened my eyes.

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...

*These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow!!!*

I'm thinking of getting laser eye surgery next year...

So I can see in 2020

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I underwent penis reduction surgery.

It cost over five grand. I told my doctor keep the tip.

I overheard something about a guy who died in a surgery

I guess his heart wasn’t in the right place.

Going into open heart surgery

I asked the doctor how long am I going to be in the hospital??

He said, if all goes well, about a week... if it doesn't, about 30 minutes..

[credit: Rodney Dangerfield]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why won’t cannibals eat obese people after they have had sexual reassignment surgery?

Trans fats are bad for your health.

I read about a heartwarming story of several doctors performing an overnight surgery on a giraffe's knee.

I guess it was a joint operation.

Which Mexican got plastic surgery on its toe?

Ruberto

During his exam, a medical student had to perform a surgery on a patient.

One of them passed.

A little boy’s grandpa had surgery...

And it went well.

The doctor told everyone in the waiting room that it was a successful operation. 30 minutes later the grandpa is up and at em meeting with his family.

While they’re there the doc was telling the standard recovery for the procedure.

Doc: “First of all the anesth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's it called when a man gets penis enlargement surgery?

An adalittledictamy

A surgeon fails an eye surgery

No one bats an eye.
A surgeon fails a brain surgery
and everybody loses their minds

A man is returning to the vet to see if a surgery was successful.

The vet says, "Here's the bill. Unfortunately, we couldn't reattach it to your duck."

How much does Male to Female surgery cost?

About a third of your salary.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery..

I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

My Wife had successful eye surgery

Edit* ex wife she finally seen what I looked like

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about Brad Pitt's buttocks reduction surgery?

Now he's a bottomless pitt.

So my best friend tells me he wants to become a woman, but he doesn't want to pay for surgery

He asked for my help in pulling it off.

I just had a cheap plastic surgery and I'm not happy with it.

Next time I'll pay for real metal scalpels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heart Transplant Surgery

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.


The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body reje...

I'm a transman going for top surgery.

I just have a lot to get off my chest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex".

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! 

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lasik Eye Surgery

A few years ago, I finally decided to get Lasik Eye Surgery. I had been going to the same eye doctor for a few years, and she told me I was a good candidate for it. She tells me I need to get a topography test which couldn't be done at her office. Instead, she sent me to the Eye Center at a local...

If you cross your finger after surgery you'll heal faster

Or maybe that's just super stichin'

Today I asked my doctor if she was willing to complete my ear surgery.

I'm excited to hear from her!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone in the transplant club just recieved surgery to reconstruct his penis

Turns out it's our newest member

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

A doctor performs surgery using local anesthesia

- “Relax, Ernest, it’s just a few cuts with a scalpel. Don’t panic,” the doctor says.

- “But, doctor, my name is not Ernest.”

- “I know... just talking to myself.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe goes to buy a new suit after surgery

This joke belongs to Buddy Hackett (August 31, 1924 – June 30, 2003)

I never saw a version here that correctly attributed this to him.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts

Her husband tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.”

His wife asks, “How can I do it without surgery?”

“Just rub toilet paper between them.”
Startled, the lady asks, “How does that make them bigger?”

“I don‘t know, but it...

After a failed surgery...

Mother: doctor, how is my son?

Doctor: well...

Father: please doctor, tell us he is all right.

Doctor: Well, his left hand is gone...so, he is gonna be all right.

I walked into the Doctors Surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign.

" "Capricorn." I replied.

&#x200B;

"Yeah, right," he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again."

My dad's doctor told me he could perform surgery with his eyes closed.

But he didn't say anything about succeeding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone bet me a car that I wouldn't get belly button enhancement surgery.

I just got me an Audi.

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple of minutes later, his eyes flutter...

I have a feeling that my mouth transplant surgery went horribly wrong.

The voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that.

I just got laser eye surgery and I can't help but feel cheated

Because I still can't see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boy Born Without Eyelids Undergoes Graft Surgery Using His Own Foreskin

Doctors say, "He's fine now, just a little cock-eyed."

Any advice on correcting plastic surgery that has gone wrong?

I’m all ears.

So, doc... I was told I only had a 1% chance to survive this surgery?

Doc: Yes, but don't worry, the other 99 patients have already died.

The sign on a plastic surgery clinic reads...

“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can turn them into melons.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in surgery the other day and the first thing he told me was he needed to feel my testicles.

Jesus, his hands were cold! You would have thought any successful dentist could afford decent heating.

When Louis Armstrong was a child, he was colorblind, a doctor asked him if he wanted to do this experimental surgery to allow him to see colors. After the procedure, they ask him what does he see, he tells them...

I see trees of green, and red roses too.

Right before surgery, I asked my anesthetist whether I can administer the needle myself.

He said, “Sure. Knock yourself out.”

I didn’t think my knee replacement surgery would help.

I stand corrected.

A man is recovering from surgery.

A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him.

“How are you feeling?” she asks.

“I’m okay,” he says, “but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery.”

“What did he say?” the nurse asks.

“Oops.”

If the Doctor doesn’t show up to your surgery

You’re legally allowed to die in 15 minutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife left me after I spent all our savings on penis enlargement surgery

She says she just couldn't take it any longer

My father was discussing the costs of a quadruple bypass surgery with the doctor.

When he heard they would be charging for each incision, he said "What kind of cut rate operation is this?"

What did the English major have after getting intestinal surgery?

A semicolon

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance.

Fake.

Credit - Daniel Tosh

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked. “Sorry, force of habit. Lots of people do it though, don’t they?” I said.

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor.”

I’m recovering from surgery, and still in some pain, so my mom asked me,”Do you want some painkillers?”

I replied, ”They couldn’t hurt.”

A woman was having surgery

A woman was having surgery to have her left leg amputated, due to gangrene. Unfortunately, the doctor mistakenly removed her right leg.

Realising his mistake while she was still under anaesthesia, he proceeded to remove her left leg.

Later on, she sued the doctor for malpractice, bu...

If anyone knows how to correct cosmetic surgery that's gone horribly wrong?

I'm all ears.

A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?" "Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."

"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I need to have surgery, because of my cicumcision.

I was born without eyelids, so the doctor said to my mom "all we have to do is circumcise him, and we can make eyelids out of his foreskin."
Long story short, I've been cock eyed ever since, I have great fore sight though.

Good afternoon everyone, and thank you for attending the plastic surgery addicts support group

I see many new faces here today.

Which is disappointing.

I decided to pay for my wife's overbite correction surgery.

Maybe now she can finally shut her mouth.

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]

Who from the Soviet Union made the most in development of modern surgery?

Mikhail Timofeyevich Kalashnikov.

When I was a kid I pretended I was doing surgery on a stuffed animal inside a blanket fort

I guess you could say they were undercover operations

A joke my pastor told this morning at church

A woman has a heart attack. During this, she dies and meets God.

"Will I die?" she asked.

"No," God replied, "You will live for another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days."

At this instant, she snapped back alive. After the heart attack, she decides to make the most of her life.
...

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,

a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes Dad, what is it?"

"Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come a...

I came back from brain surgery

The doctors said they took out the limbic system but I don’t remember what that is

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two blondes were discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first blonde says, "I have to be honest. I am planning to get a boob job."

The second says, "Yea, I going to get my asshole bleached this week."

To which the first replies, "Whoooa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde."

What type of surgery do Jewish doctors prefer to perform?

Circumcision.

They’re always left with a tip.

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery...

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery. She was in pre-op and asked the nurse if there was any way she could administer the anesthesia medication herself. To which the nurse replied "I am not sure, I will go ask the surgeon." The nurse leaves to check with the surgeon....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy’s doctor tells him he needs brain surgery

The guy asks, “Doc, after the surgery, will I be able to play the violin?”

The doctor tells the guy, “Go fuck yourself”

A blind man and his mistress.

A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.

After bathing, she came out naked, spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, “Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A surgeon goes to check on his patient after surgery and he says to her...

"Everything went fine and you'll recover completely."

The young woman asks, "How long will it be before I can have a normal sex life again?"

The surgeon pauses for a while and wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye.

The woman, now alarmed, asks, "What's the matter doctor?...

Did you know that amputation is the most expensive form of surgery?

I hear it can cost you an arm and a leg.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult surgery.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial spongebath.

“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, a...

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Edit: Wow, thanks guys. This made me win a bet with my friend to see who could get frontpaged first :D

Edit #2: I just won $1, lol.

Edit #3: We made the...

I have a joke about a pirate lady who got hit in the chest by a cannonball and needed some good old-fashioned pirate surgery

But it would be funnier with a punchline, wooden tit?

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'....

I'm not saying cosmetic surgery cured my depression

But it definitely put a smile on my face.

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