A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

Tiger Woods issues statement to Reddit regarding tasteless comments about his emergency knee surgery in r/Jokes.

"I won't stand for this"

A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting "help me please, I'm shrinking" The Doctor calmly said "now settle down a bit"..

.."you'll just have to learn to be a little patient"

Following his collapse on set of Better Call Saul, doctors recommend a double-bypass surgery for Bob Odenkirk

Oh, good news. The deal went through. It’s a triple-bypass now.

Michael Jordan is wheeled into the hospital for emergency surgery.

He’s brought into the operation room and meets his doctors, but he notices something strange. In the corner, there’s a stage being set up. An anesthesiologist is repeating jokes to herself and wiping her brow. The MRI techs are handling a soundboard in the back. The head surgeon is tuning a guitar b...

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After the surgery, the plastic surgeon said to his male patient "I have good news and bad news."

The patient said "Tell me the bad news first." The doctor replied "I'm sorry, but we couldn't make your penis larger."

The patient then said "What's the good news?"

The doctor said "We were able to make your hands really small."

A surgeon is about to perform his first surgery...

...and the patient is lying on the surgical table, waiting for the anesthetist. The doctor grabs the patient's hand and takes a deep breath.

Surgeon: "Don't worry, Richard, this is not big deal, just a few cuts here and there, and all done in less than an hour. Tonight you rest, watch the gam...

A patient gets its eyes checked after cataract surgery

He asks his doctor: “How does it look, doc? Am I able the play the piano?”
Doctor: “It looks all fine. With the right glasses it should be no problem.”
Patient: “That’s amazing, I’ve never played the piano before!”

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s disc...

Doctor: sorry but I had to remove your colon in the surgery..

Me why?

Doctor: The mouth surgery was successful

Doctor: You just can’t speak for a few days.

Patient: thanks so much, doc!

Doctor: don’t mention it

The Pope recently had Colon Surgery. Imagine having to operate on such an important person...

The surgeon probably poped himself

I did surgery on a detective today...

...it was an open and shut case.

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Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor asking for a surgery so his penis was long enough to touch the floor.

He woke up after the surgery and the doctor had removed both of his legs.

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject

Now when you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.

My doctor is an expert in keyhole surgery

She studied at Yale

What did the doctor say when their patient wouldn’t let them finish the surgery?

“Suture self”

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I participated in a lung surgery earlier

That was breathtaking

I gave my wife £10,000 to get plastic surgery

Last week she took the money, got the surgery and ran away.


So not only am i down 10 grand, i don't know who to look for.

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This woman wanted to have some rejuvenation surgery after her years of child birthing, so she decided to get a vaginoplasty.

When she awakens from surgery, she sees three vases on her bedside table with flowers in them. The nurse walks into the room, and the woman asks “Hey, who are these flowers from?” The nurse looks at her and says “Well, one is from the doctor, he just wanted to thank you for shaving and cleaning up e...

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I see some new faces today and I must say I'm pretty disappointed.

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him.....

He insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

"Don't be nervous son, do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........

......your ...

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A man wakes up after a surgery.

Doctor: "We accidentally amputated your penis."

Patient: "What the FUCK!!!"

Doctor: "Ma'am, please calm down."

A patient runs into a doctor’s surgery yelling out: “I’m shrinking! I’m shrinking! What should I do?”

The doctor replies: “you are just going to have to be a little patient.”

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

My wife bought me a 'Good Luck' bracelet with my initials on it before I went into hospital for some surgery.

I think there must have been a misprint at the manufacturers,
because my initials are 'RND' and this one said 'DNR'.

Doctor: Don’t be nervous Jeff, it’s gonna be a quick surgery.

Patient: But my name isn’t Jeff..

Doctor: I know, it’s mine.

A man walked into the doctor's surgery

He had half a bun on his head, a sausage behind his ear, several pickles in his shirt and an ice cream cone on his foot.

The doctor took one look and said
"Im afraid you're not eating properly."

I think something went wrong during my laser eye surgery.

I can see just fine, but I can't figure out how to shoot the lasers

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or . . . .

if you operated on the right patient.

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A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

I used to think that cardiac transplant surgery wasn't for me

But then I had a change of heart

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist said I could be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

So I guess it was an ether/oar situation.

A 3-year-old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.

“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.

“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.

“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.

“Yes, it is.” – she says.

“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.

“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replie...

On pride month, the trans man spoke about how free he felt after his surgery.

It was like a huge weight off his chest.

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

I had so much fun doing surgery

I might become a surgeon one day

A man went into surgery to remove his tonsils.

Due to a hospital error he got circumcised.


Media was alerted by an anonymous tip.

A doctor was performing surgery on a patient with one hand

The nurse said that if he used both it would be easier

What happened to the Professional Writer who had bowel surgery?

He ended up with a semi-colon.

I was stuck in the hospital after surgery and had a question for the doctor.

I asked if I was going to die, and if I was could I meet Eminem before I died.

He said the chances were both very Slim.

When my doctor told me my plastic surgery was free of charge...

the look on my face was priceless.

Did you hear about the mail-order surgery kit you can have delivered straight to your door?

It's called Suture Self.

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
...

Mr. Chair is in distress after Mrs Chair went under surgery, even after it went successful, with no incidents whatsoever.

So one of his friends asks Mr Chair what happened. And he answered: "I've been married to my wonderful and lovely Mrs Chair for fifteen years, and now this doctor comes with a stupid smile on his face and tells me she's table!"

-

Obligatory: English is not my native tongue, so sorry f...

My friend recently had surgery, and tells me he feels like a million bucks

Sadly, he lives in Zimbabwe

A patient was going to the hospital one day to get his surgery.

Doctor: Calm down Bob, this is your first surgery

Patient: Haha... Well thanks for being concerned but this is actually my third surgery and no, my name is Lloyd not Bob

Doctor: No, I am Bob.

Doctor: i have some good news and some bad news after your surgery.

Patient: give me the bad news first.
Doctor: we f&$&d up and amputated the wrong leg
Patient: my god! wtf can’t be real! Give me the good news then
Doctor: the leg that needed to be amputated is getting better now and we don’t need to amputate it anymore.

A man is walking his pet carrot

As he’s walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. “Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok?” The doctors sighs. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive” the man ...

BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.

They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive

A doctor is performing surgery on his patient

All of a sudden the door swings open and in comes running a desperate man. He shouts “help me doctor, im shrinking!!!” The doctor calmly says “Settle down a bit, you can’t just come barging in here like that...you’ll have to learn to be a little patient”

Hospital bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care ...

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need a transfusion.

 

As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally,
the ...

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A patient had a terrible stuttering problem

and the doctor realized it was due to the man’s 15 inch penis pulling on his vocal cords.

The doctor talks the man into removing 5 inches of the penis and freezing it in case the man ever decided to have it re-attached. The surgery is a success and the man can speak stutter-free for the firs...

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There was a lady that was getting married for the eighth time.

She went to a plastic surgeon and asked if he could make her a virgin again, and if he could do it without telling anyone.
He explained to her that he could and that legally he can not tell anyone about the surgery.
She went ahead and had the surgery, but when she woke up she saw three bouquet...

Man blind from birth hears about a new surgery to restore his sight

A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.

"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."

"Is that a c...

So I’m getting a tumor removed that’s a part of my facial nerve, and they’re going to remove part the of nerve with it. I’m trying to talk my doctor into not doing the surgery

I’m losing my nerve

[NSFW] A 47 year old woman gets plastic surgery to look younger.

She was walking down the street and asked a random stranger to guess her age.
The stranger thought for a minute and answered, "25."
"Nope, I'm actually 47," she said.
"Wow," said the stranger.
The woman smiled and continued walking until she got to McDonald's. When she got to the front o...

An Actual Event that Happened Before and After My Brain Surgery

I was looking one day before my brain surgery at a picture with all the hospital presidents in the picture.

Cue a few days and after surgery. My neurosurgeon arrived in my patient room and asked me a question to see if my brain was functioning correctly. The question was, “Who was the presid...

A woman had chronic headaches.

She had them since she was in her early teens, and had gone to the doctor, had x-rays, scans, medication, and nothing seemed to help. Finally, she went to a headache specialist, and he told her that her left breast was the cause. The only treatment was to remove the breast. The good news was that he...

For the second year in a row, I was the keynote speaker at a plastic surgery convention...

"I see a lot of new faces here today."

I'm pretty sure they won't invite me back next year.

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Man gets home from work and finds his wife crying in the kitchen.

‘What’s wrong , honey? ‘ he asks all worried.

‘ I went to the doctor today and as he examined me he said I had a beautiful pussy ‘ his wife sobbed.

The man got angry and jumped into the car and drive to the Doctors surgery, he rushed into the office and grabbing the Doctor by the throa...

Tom was not the brightest kid in his school.

None of his classmates liked him. He was plain stupid when it came to even simplest stuff. His teacher always told him "you're driving me crazy".

One day, Tom's mother visited school and when she spoke to teacher, the teacher directly said: "Your child is absolutely stupid, not only his grad...

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NSFW: What do you call a urologist who performs reconstructive surgery?

A cocksmith.

A lawyer wakes up after surgery

He asks the nurse why the blinds are drawn. She says, "There's a fire outside and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

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A morbidly obese man

visits his doctor.

“Doc,” he says, “I can’t stand being this fat anymore. Please help.”

“Alright, let’s get to work”, replies the doctor. After many months of diet and exercise, the man winds up loosing hundreds of pounds. An unfortunate side effect though is that he has all this loos...

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A new plastic surgery for missing eye lids has been invented.

It used circumcised men’s forskin to rebuilt the eye lids.
Unfortunately early results are disappointing, everyone has ended up cock eyed.

My grandma had cataract surgery on both eyes

I was on the phone with my grandpa asking how she was feeling.

Gpa: She’s recovering really well, she can see much clearer. She’s pretty happy with the results.

Me: That’s good, no side effects?

Gpa: There is one troubling side effect

Me: What? Is she okay?

Gp...

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery on his inner ear, having suffered a long term issue with his balance.

His daughter comes to visit and his face lights up when he sees her escorted in by the doctor. The doctor takes his daughter aside briefly and says 'It's early days bu...

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Did you hear about the boy born with no eyelids?

They used the skin from his circumcision to make his new eyelids.

The doctor said he made it through the surgery fine, but may end up a little cockeyed.

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This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

*One never knows,,, A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"

One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew he...

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The plastic surgery industry seems to neglect the market for middle aged dangling balls

Seems like low hanging fruit.

A pirate walks into a doctor's surgery.

"Avast, sawbones," he growls, "I wants ye to look at the moles on me back. I think they might be of the cancerin' kind."

The doctor has a look at the pirate's back.
"It's OK," he says, "they're benign."


"Arrr... look again," says the pirate, "I'm pretty sure there be ten."

I told my doctor I didn't want a brain surgery...

But he changed my mind anyway.

Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery

It was a joint operation

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Corrective Surgery



When Ralph first noticed his penis was growing longer and staying erect longer he was delighted, as was his wife. After several weeks his penis had grown to sixteen inches. Ralph became quite concerned as he was having problems dressing and a lot of trouble walking. So he and his wife went t...

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A husband and his pregnant wife were sleeping

Suddenly, a robber enters their room and shoots the wife in the stomach 3 times
The husband gets his gun under the bed and shots the robber right in the head
They rush to the hospital where they put his wife on the surgery table, after 30 minutes the doctor comes to the husband and says:
<...

A North Korean general is to undergo surgery

"His heart again?", asks the doctor

"No, chest expansion surgery, to make room for one more Gold medal"

My dog has to wear this cone till he heals from surgery. It helps with the biting, but the barking?

He sounds like a sub-whoofer.

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A patient wakes up after surgery.

A quite nervous doctor is waiting in the room.

"I don't know how to say this, but the surgeon made a mistake and amputated your penis.

"That imbacile did what? I'm going to sue him for everything he owns.

"Miss, please calm down."

I woke up after surgery and said to the doctor, "I can't feel my legs!"

"I know," he said, "I amputated your arms."

Surgery

Doctor: now normally we replace it with a glass ball, but for you we have one made out of cedar. Would you like that instead?
Patient: wood eye? Of course!

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

When I was a baby, I had to have surgery to remove 10 nipples, I still have 2. But yes, I was born with 12.

Sounds crazy, dozen tit?

It’s never a good idea to attempt any type of cardiac surgery before going to medical school.

That would be putting the heart before the course.

What happens to a failed brain surgery?

The patient loses its mind.

The patient was laying on his back, waiting for the surgery to begin.

He asked the doctor, just to pass the time, “Hey, can I do my own anesthetics? Must be one hell of a high.”

The doctor snorted bemusedly and said “sure kid, knock yourself out.”

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My gf recommended I get a penis enlargement surgery. I told her I'd get it done...

... as long as it made her happy

One of my friends got female to male surgery done

That’s my ex-girl friend

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A man goes in for hernia surgery

After the operation, the doctor meets him in the recovery room.

"Sir, the operation was successful but I have bad news. We accidentally removed your testicles during the surgery."

The man was immediately furious.

"You bastards! You dumb idiots! I'll kill you for this!"

T...

"We're losing him!" shouted the physician assistant halfway through the surgery

"Not on my watch!" shouted the surgeon.


And he runs out of the operating room.

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A boy and a girl are romanticaly sitting in the park

Suddenly she loosens her blouse and while looking the boy in the eyes she asks: "do you want to know where they did surgery on my hart?"
The boy, being flabbergasted by this stutters a bit and then brings out: "yes... Yes please!" While looking greedily at her breasts.
The girl, happy with thi...

I got thrown out of the dentist's surgery for dancing.

I mean, he's the one who asked me to floss...

Last year, I got laser eye surgery, and I've never looked back.

I couldn't do that before either, so I kind of saw it coming.

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Three surgeons are arguing what type of person is the easiest to perform surgery to

The first one says:
"Well, it's obviously librarians, because all of their organs are filed down in alphabetical order, and nothing is ever out of place!"

The second one answers:
"I disagree, the best people to operate upon are engineers; Their organs are very strictly placed exactly ...

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Elizabeth Taylor goes in to get her vagina reconditioned.

Elizabeth : Dr. I want to have the vagina of an 18 year old.

Dr. : Ok that can be done.

Elizabeth: Ok but please, ABSOLUTELY NO PAPARAZZI or MEDIA involvement!

Dr. : Of course, it will be completely confidential.


The surgery occurs with no complications. in f...

Did you hear about the singing pirate that had a cataract?

After the surgery, he shall see, shan't he?

Two doctors are sitting on a bench at a park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:

- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong

- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia

- I have to disagree with you: that dra...

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[NSFW] A man with a large penis goes to the doctor

For he has a very bad stuttering problem.

He says the to doctor “i i i I’ve g g g got a a a a p p p problem i can’t t t t talk in f f f full S S S sentences.”

The doctor says “well maybe you just have a bad stutter but we will run some tests on you to make sure.”

So they run t...

A young man walked into the doctor's surgery

A young man walked into the doctor's surgery and said:

"I want to thank you doc. Your last treatment did wonders for me!"

The doctor looked at him, surprised. "Are you one of my patients?" he asked.

"No," said the young man. "But my uncle was, and they've just read his will."

Spaghetti wife is sitting the the waiting room, waiting for her husband to get out of surgery

The doctor walks in and says " Im sorry to inform you but your husband pasta-way."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl is about to have a heart surgery, holding hands with her boyfriend and talking

G: I love you Mike.

B: I love you more.

Girl gets put to sleep and the surgery begins.

A few hours later, she wakes up, and only her dad is next to her.

She asks : Where is Mike?

Dad answers : You don't know who gave you his heart?

Girl is shocked and start...

A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked...

A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked on a gurney in the hallway when a man in a white coat came by, lifted the sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared.


A few minutes later, the same man stopped by again, lifted her sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared.


When...

What did the conjoined twins change their dating profile to after surgery?

Recently Separated

I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds.

I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week.

TIL amputation surgery is really expensive

it costs an arm and a leg

A woman just came home after a plastic surgery

She went straight to her husband, and handed him a heavy bill. He took a long look at his wife before looking back down at the bill, “When did they start taking payment in advance?”

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

Girl: I'm having heart surgery today.

Boy: I know .

Girl: I love you.

Boy: I love you too.

After surgery the girl wakes up and finds her father sitting in the chair.

Girl: Where is my boyfriend ?

Dad: Don't you know who gave you your new heart.

Girl: (With tears in her eyes ) Omg.

Dad : I...

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery:

Oops!

Has anyone seen my watch?

That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.

Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Well, this book doesn’t say that… What edition is your manual?

Ok, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly ...

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A Japanese man told his dad about his failed knee surgery.

His dad replied, "No Knee"?

While recovering from surgery in the I.C.U...

...I couldn't help feeling like someone was watching me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library.

Some tosser has taken the appendix out.

A woman is in hospital having an operation when she has a vision of God. She asks God how long she has left to live, and God tells her she has 30 years left.

Upon waking from surgery, the woman considers the next 30 years, and decides to make some changes. So she books herself a tummy tuck, face lift, liposuction, fillers etc. You name it, she had it done.

After being released from hospital, and feeling glamorous, the woman sashays across the road...

A friend of mine is ex military and recently needed surgery.

Just before his surgery was scheduled I went to see him. Upon knocking on his door he asked, friend or enema?

Surgery on an appendix today would have to be

An appandemictomy.

What do you call a manly flower that needs surgery?

A trans-plant!

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