UPJOKE
routineprocessproceedingsrulemethodsurgerymechanismoperationfunctionproceedingactivitytreatmentmethodsrulesconduct

An Englishman began procedures at the Immigration Department to move to Australia

Immigration: "Do you have a criminal record?"

British guy: "Is that still necessary?"

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previou...

Why do doctors make more money from circumcisions than other types of procedures?

It's the only procedure in which they collect tips!

I got a book titled ‘A Guide to Surgical Procedures’.

I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

Jerry was at a store meeting about some new covid procedures.

The manager said "Ok, listen up. Jerry, this means you. When you see a customer approach, stop 'em and ask about their health, temperature, and cough. Then..." he paused. "Jerry? You payin' attention?"

"Yeah, I hear you." said Jerry.

"Ok." he continued. "If they don't have a mask, just...

How much was Texas Instruments fined when they were caught offering free breast augmentation procedures to employees?

$5,318,008

Some people think vasectomies and castration are similar procedures

but there's a vas deferens between the two.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.

They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.

You know what’s weird about cosmetic procedures?

When people get plastic surgery, everyone looks shocked. But when people do Botox, nobody even raises an eyebrow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex-reassignment specialist is trying to simplify the names of surgical procedures...

He takes his nurse aside and explains "Lots of people come in here and get confused and intimidated by the medical jargon we use to explain the operations. From now on I want you to call male-to-female procedures "misterectomies".

The nurse is somewhat perturbed, but the specialist reassures...

Wanted to talk to my boss about how tired I am with writing these Standard Operating Procedures...

But he does not want to hear my SOP story.

Bus Stop

A woman walks across a busy intersection at the crosswalk to walk over to the bus stop, but an Uber hits her and she is pronounced dead on the scene. She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God. He looks her up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you ...

COVID-19 plagues a rural country town in the States.

Lockdowns have been imposed, and the infection rate is rising fast. An overweight and diabetic anti-masker is standing on the steps of the church, going against lockdown procedures, when a bystander coming from the grocery store walks by. “Better return home man, the infection rate is rising fast!”<...

A man and his wife take a trip to Jerusalem

Unfortunately, while they're there, the wife has a heart attack and passes away. So the Rabbi, who the man hired to handle the procedures, told the man:
"Sir, i have two options for you.
You can have her cremated here in Jerusalem for $500.
Or, we can ship your wife back to the United Stat...

It must be hard to get a job at an animal hospital.

They have good vetting procedures.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, pregnant with triplets, is walking down the street...

...in a very bad part of town. Out of the blue, a car rolls by and opens gunfire on the house behind her. Despite her best efforts, the woman took three bullets to her stomach and was rushed to the hospital.

The doctors did everything they could to save the woman and her three unborn childre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde entered into a high-stakes TV culinary contest of the ages...

After the three women finished their cooking procedures, they individually lined up behind the curtain of the main stage and each rolled out a cart with their respective dish. To elaborate, three judges would be grading these women on their cooking capabilities.

When the time came for the pre...

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