UPJOKE
routineprocessproceedingsrulemethodsurgerymechanismoperationfunctionsubroutinesubprogramproceedingactivitytreatmentmethods

Procedures Jokes

An Englishman began procedures at the Immigration Department to move to Australia

Immigration: "Do you have a criminal record?"

British guy: "Is that still necessary?"

Some people think vasectomies and castration are similar procedures

but there's a vas deferens between the two.

Why do doctors make more money from circumcisions than other types of procedures?

It's the only procedure in which they collect tips!

I got a book titled ‘A Guide to Surgical Procedures’.

I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

Jerry was at a store meeting about some new covid procedures.

The manager said "Ok, listen up. Jerry, this means you. When you see a customer approach, stop 'em and ask about their health, temperature, and cough. Then..." he paused. "Jerry? You payin' attention?"

"Yeah, I hear you." said Jerry.

"Ok." he continued. "If they don't have a mask, just...

You know what’s weird about cosmetic procedures?

When people get plastic surgery, everyone looks shocked. But when people do Botox, nobody even raises an eyebrow.

Did you hear about the criminal with a fetish for legal procedures?

He got off on a technicality.

How much was Texas Instruments fined when they were caught offering free breast augmentation procedures to employees?

$5,318,008

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex-reassignment specialist is trying to simplify the names of surgical procedures...

He takes his nurse aside and explains "Lots of people come in here and get confused and intimidated by the medical jargon we use to explain the operations. From now on I want you to call male-to-female procedures "misterectomies".

The nurse is somewhat perturbed, but the specialist reassures...

Wanted to talk to my boss about how tired I am with writing these Standard Operating Procedures...

But he does not want to hear my SOP story.

At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.

They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Plastic Surgeon Dad, Operates On His Own Daughter....

There was a plastic/cosmetic surgeon,
who did some procedures on his own daughter,

He did her Nose, Boobs, and a few other things....

When people said she was pretty,
He then would jokingly say to them:

"she got her good looks from me!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Bulgarian spy is caught by the Russian KGB.

They ask him what were the procedures of the Bulgarian agency. They torture him for two weeks but he tells them nothing. On a spy exchange he returns home and his comrades ask him what happened. He said "You'd better start learning the procedures or they'll beat the shit out of you!"

It must be hard to get a job at an animal hospital.

They have good vetting procedures.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previou...

A man and his wife take a trip to Jerusalem

Unfortunately, while they're there, the wife has a heart attack and passes away. So the Rabbi, who the man hired to handle the procedures, told the man:
"Sir, i have two options for you.
You can have her cremated here in Jerusalem for $500.
Or, we can ship your wife back to the United Stat...

When the man in the street says: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," the lawyer writes:

"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."

A proctologist was losing too much money…

A proctologist was losing too much money. Her accountant came over for a consultation and quickly spotted the problem.

“You’re spending far too much on staffing. You’ve simply got to reduce your labor costs in order to survive.”

The proctologist puzzled over how to cut down. Given her...

What do you get if you cross a cat with an octopus?

Arrested under the Animal Scientific Procedures Act 1986.

[Joke I wrote for a scientists do standup event]

It's a cold night in Moscow, and Natasha and Sergey are getting busy in the back of Sergey's brand new Yugo.

The heat is on in more ways than one, and Natasha can tell that Sergey is getting close. She tries to stop him and ask, "Do you have protection?", but it's too late.

Two months later, Natasha is late, so she takes a pregnancy test. Sure enough, she's pregnant. In tears, she tells her parents....

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.