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Health Jokes

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.

Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

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Old man at health centre

An old man walks up to the Reception of a health centre, where the receptionist asks how she can help him.

“I’ve got a problem with my cock” he replies loudly.

Taken aback and noticing other patients looking shocked, the receptionist suggests he be a little more polite and that he shou...

Who has the worst heart health in Congress?

George Santos. Every time he opens his mouth they have to defib him.

Why is crushing pop cans taxing on one's mental health?

Because it's soda pressing.

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy. It releases dopamine and reduces stress. Improves prostate gland and cardiovascular health..

Still got thrown off the bus.

I hate the stigma around mental health

Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.

Birthdays are good for your health

Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"...

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

The old man said "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years! Everyone applauded and asked again "But how come your wife is...

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Mental health hotline.



Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.


If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.


If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.


If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.


If y...

I used to think that alcohol was bad to my health

So i quit thinking.

Go to health

A recent study shows that women who carry a few extra pounds tend to live longer than men who mention it.

Why are people on the ISS in perfect health?

They're never under the weather

Where do spiders seek health advice

WebMD

Water solves so many health problems.

Want to lose weight? Drink water.

Want clearer skin? Drink water.

Suffer from migraines? Drink water.

People causing you anxiety? Drown them in water.

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NATO is like a health insurance...

You want to have it before shit happens, but they wouldn't let you have it because of the pre-existing conditions.

Russian health tips

-"For better digestion ,I drink beer, for low blood pressure I drink red wine, for high blood pressure Cognac and for colds Vodka. "
-"And what about water?"
-"I don't think I ever had such an illness...."

The City Health inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the health inspector nearly chokes when he sees that he is not wearing a shirt.

As if the health inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation-writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.
Appalled, the health inspector had barely finished up when an order came back for a hamburger.
The cook proceeded t...

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Always get a better health plan people..

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating."Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship,...

Did you hear about the English teacher who experienced a serious health episode?

He suffered a massive corrolary

What brand of mint do they have at Mental Health Clinics?

Dementos

What do you call a horse with good mental health?

Stable

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The World Health Organization has said Monkeypox is primarily spreading through sex.

So Redditors should be safe.

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Things you can say during sex and at a funeral. I’ll go first....

Even with all of her health issues, I'm glad grandma was able to come.

Why do people who own magazines have mental health conditions?

Because obviously, they have a lot of issues.

Why do frat boys major in dental health?

Because they wanna see what that mouth do

A health-conscious man got a job as...

... a grocery packer. Every day he watched customers buy candy, soda, potato chips and processed snacks. He knew people were damaging their health with these unhealthy foods choices.

One day, he couldn't take it anymore. When he saw a customer with their cart full of particularly unhealthy ju...

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Health Plans

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient pleasuring himself right there in the hallway. "Wh...

Why does the Pillsbury Dough Boy have so many health issues?

Because he was inbread.

A man in a mental health facility was having an argument.

A man in a mental health facility was arguing with a hazelnut. "I'm not crazy! You're crazy!" He says.

The squirrel chimed in and said, "You're both nuts!"

I gave up drinking alcohol on the 1st of January. It's better for your health.

And it's only one day a year.

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Health Violation

A man orders a hot dog with relish from a street vendor. The vendor grabs the dog with his bare hands and puts it on a bun. He then applies the relish with his fingers. The man pulls out a badge and says, "I'm the health inspector and I'm shutting you down!" The vendor pleads with the inspector and ...

A Seventh Grade Health Class

was learning about pregnancy. Young Suzy asks her teacher, "Can my grandma get pregnant?" Her teacher replies that no, she can't, shes far too old. Suzy then asks if her fifty year old mother could get pregnant. Her teacher tells her no, shes a little too old for that. Suzy, puzzled, asks if she can...

My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money, watch your health.”

So one day while I was watching my health, my grandfather stole my money.

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Public Health England.

Due to the shortage of lateral flow tests available the government are going to introduce a new '1 minute self diagnostic' process.

You put one finger in your mouth, and one up your ass.

After 60 seconds swap fingers, if you can't smell or taste the difference, Isolate.

The World Health Organization has your best interests in mind....

WHO cares

The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

Taking astrology seriously is dangerous for your health

It has a one in twelve chance of giving you Cancer.

Yo mama so fat

We are all concerned for her health, Kevin.

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Health tip

If a women drinks two glasses of wine a night, it increases the likelihood of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, then she's likely to throw in a blowjob as well.

My doctor told me to stop singing Frank Sinatra songs as it's bad for my health. But I just wouldn't listen.

And now the end is near.

I'm no Trumper but these so called "health experts" are liars!

They said a mask and gloves was enough to go to the grocery store!!

When I got there, everyone else also had clothes on :/

The Sturgeon General told me that smoking is bad for your health

Sure it may be dangerous for him but it cures the fish

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My therapist says I should think of my mental health like sex

Because I always come first

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

Why do ghosts love health food

Because it’s super natural

Health Education

Appropriate analogy: “The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” = “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.

There are two critical factors in the spread of Coronavirus. 1. How dense is the population. 2. How dense is the population.
...

(For people in health related occupations) Knock, Knock.

Who’s there?

HIPAA

HIPAA who?

I can’t tell you.

Whats the best health insurance in America?

Go Fund Me

According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats

I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.

My friend is a smoker and decided to read about the health risks of smoking.

He went online and read about how smoking can lead to cancer, and other health risks.

A few days later I meet up with him and find him overjoyed and full of energy, so I asked him what did he do to become so healthy.

He tells me while lighting a cigar: "I quit reading."

To raise heart health awareness, Cardi B changes her name...

To Cardi O

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

American Health Care Joke

One day I wanna be rich enough to afford therapy

I'm regularly asked to be a photomodel for sports magazines, man's health, dietary topics etc.

I'm the guy in the "before" pictures.

The problem with treating mental health

Is that it's all in your head.

What kind of table is good for your health?

A vegetable!

This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece!

It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me.

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4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

Who is the leader of international public health?

Yes.

Why don’t astronauts need health cover?

Because they are never under the weather.

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My boss is really into health eating, but Friday is his cheat day...

...which is when he fucks his secretary.

My friend took his grandmother to one of those health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin...

It cost him $300, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral...

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A old couple went to the doctor for a health checkup.

The man goes in first. The doctor asks him - Are you keeping well?

The man replies - Yes. Every night, when I go downstairs to the bathroom, I open the door and the light comes on. When I am finished, I close the door and the light switches off.

When it is the wife's turn, the doctor a...

My school had a mental health fair

But I didn’t have any to give, so I didn’t bother going.

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"



(Sorry)

The owner of my local health food store asked me if I wanted to know the secret of a long and healthy life.



"Sure -- let me know!", I replied.

He said, "Eat two raw onions every day."

"How could that possibly be a secret?"

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss!

I read it in Men's Health Journal 2006 on page 73 paragraph 4 footnote 3.

My girlfriends health

A number of years ago my girlfriend was having these terrible headaches.

She goes to the doctors, and they tell her it's a sinus issue. Another month goes by and she sees her Dr. again, and they do more blood work on her, and it's discovered to be temporal arteritis. Which is basically enlar...

I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently

It's really all about raisin awareness.

Three large trolls were sitting around the campfire discussing their health.

"My doctor tolt me I need to get meself some exercise. Good fer me heart. So I tossed 'im up high in there air. Daggum good exercise."

The next troll laughed, "If ye gots any heart at all, its as hard and cold as granite. My doctor tolt me I was lack toes intolrant. Ain't sure what 'e meant s...

If you care so much about my mental health...

...then gimme some brain

What do you call a health conscious cannibal?

A humanitarian

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THE AMAZING HEALTH COMPUTER

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
"Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem a...

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

An 80 year old man goes in for a physical

And the doctor tells him, "You're in terrific health, you're healthier than most 40 year olds, what do you contribute your exceptional health to?"

And the man replies"Turkey hunting, every morning I walk in the mountains and go turkey hunting."

"Well maybe genetics has something to do ...

The Doctor was impressed with my health and presented me with a trophy

I just don't remember whether it was atrophy or dystrophy.

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Not for your health.

A man walks into the doctor's office for his annual check up. The doctor starts to look him over and says, "you need to stop masturbating"

The man looks up at the doctor concerned and asks, "why?"

And the doctor replies, "because i'm trying to examine you."

I failed my Health and Safety Test today

apparently when they ask what steps you should take in case of a fire, large ones was not the correct answer

Nike has given its staff a week off for a mental health break.

Big tick.

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Two old men are about to get in the sauna at the health club

One of them says, “I’ve gotten so fat I can’t even see my dick anymore.” The other asks, “Why don’t you diet?” The first guy exclaims, “Dye it? Shit what color is it now?!”

They say carrots are good for your health.

But booze can double your vision.

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A woman came out of her annual health checkup totally beaming!!

Her husband asked " what happened ? "

"The doctor was stunned and he said that for a 45 year old woman , I've the breasts of an 18 year old "

"Did he say anything about your 45 year old ass?" Asked the husband.

" No " she answered " the topic of you never came up in the conver...

Two guys in a health club

Two guys are in the gym changing room, one is putting on lacy panties.

"Since when do you wear panties?"

"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

My dad works for a company that focuses on the health of the lower 3/4 of the body, and yesterday he just became the CEO.

Now he's the Head of Shoulders, Knees, and Toes!

Do you really care about somebody else’s mental health...

...if you don’t post on your story about it?

I'm a reproductive health provider. A female patient came in for a pelvic exam.

I told her "give me a few minutes, I'll be at your cervix"

“I lost 5 pounds.” “That’s good for your health!”

The colombians disagree.

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Made this one up in health class today

Suzy gets invited to go to her first high-school party with alcohol. Her mother is no fool and understands how teenagers are, so she sits Suzy down and gives her the talk "Now Suzy. it is normal for girls and boys your age to begin to have sex. It is natural and nothing to be ashamed of , BUT if you...

I saw on this girl's dating profile that she's a "health and fitness junkie." So that's cool...

We've got one of those three things in common.

The health benefits of vaping

Ever since I started vaping, my wife has been getting a lot less cigarette burns.

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Why robots are not good for health

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend'...

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An Old Man’s Health Check Up.

Doctor: Well everything seems to be fine, I guess this is the end of our appointment. See you next year...

Old Man: Wait! Doctor I have to ask you about a “plumbing” problem I have.

Doctor: Well than would you please elaborate than.

Old Man: Gladly. So the problem is I wiss lik...

Support mental health

or I'll kill you!

A health official walked into a local bakery for an inspection.

She was immediately appalled when she saw the owner smashing the dough against his bare chest before flattening it out on the table. Speechless, she grabbed her pen and notebook and started writing a citation. Seeing the disgust on her face, one of the customers walked up to the health official a...

If a health food salesman comes to your door ...

... Vitamin!

("Invite - him - in")

... never mind.

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

Evangelists don’t need health care.

They’re on the single prayer system.

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The final word on nutrition and health.

The final word on nutrition and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attac...

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