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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy. It releases dopamine and reduces stress. Improves prostate gland and cardiovascular health.

Still got thrown off the bus.

What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?

“Thank you for your service”

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

My health insurance lapsed, and my doctor amputated my leg

Now I don’t have a leg to stand on

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Neither, they are illegal aliens.

A health official walked into a local bakery for an inspection.

She was immediately appalled when she saw the owner smashing the dough against his bare chest before flattening it out on the table. Speechless, she grabbed her pen and notebook and started writing a citation. Seeing the disgust on her face, one of the customers walked up to the health official a...

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Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizoph...

I hate the stigma around mental health

Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.

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We all have to be careful because people are facing mental health issues from being isolated for so long

In fact, I have been discussing with the microwave and toaster during coffee break and we all agreed that things are getting hot.

I spoke with the window this morning cos it was very open about it.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on every...

What is the difference between an American health care worker running out of PPE, and a Russian healthcare worker running out of PPE?

At least the American doesn't need a parachute too!

The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore.

W.H.O. let the dogs out.

Do you know about the World Health Organization?

Me : WHO?

Who is the leader of international public health?

Yes.

Me: I really don't trust the World Health Organization.

Friend: Who?
Me: Exactly.

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Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.”

Has tested positive for the virus!!!

In health a cop asked what to do if your brother was smoking weed while the parents left the house

I responded hide the snacks (he started cracking up)

The health inspector shut down the restaurant on the corner of main street and second avenue...

A new owner rebuilt the kitchen area. The inspector was very impressed with the new kitchen. Stainless steel counters and shelves. Floors of white marble. More lighting install making a bright and clean looking work area. Tongs hanging everywhere, the food was not touched by human hands.

The ...

I know many people have been appalled by reopen protestors risking public health for questionable reasoning. But, just remember 2-3% of em’ will be dead in the next few months anyway....

....not from Coronavirus but from fireworks accidents and ATV rollovers

I saw a poster today for a free concert for those working in public health. It said 'Frontline Only'.

Weird. I would've thought they'd fill the whole venue.

I once knew a girl who was always on the road to bad health.

I called her Path-o-Jen.

I just finished installing a 5G mast for the local area when this crazy lady runs out of the house and starts throwing bizarre accusations of how 5G is hurting people's health and what monsters we telecoms guys are. What a screwball!

4G must've fried her brain.

I was trying to explain what the world health organization was to my daughter.

She was like, “The who?

Donald Trump is having a meeting with his health advisors about the COVID-19 outbreak...

The lead advisor tells him "Mr president, more international people are testing positive in the United States every day. Today alone, 50 Brazilian people have confirmed cases."

"Oh my god, that's awful!", Trump replies, ".....how many is a brazillion?"

(For people in health related occupations) Knock, Knock.

Who’s there?

HIPAA

HIPAA who?

I can’t tell you.

Thankful for all the health care workers during this pandemic

Without dem, it would be a panic.

What is the acronym for the world health alliance team

That’s not a question

A friend told me that they read an article from a major health organization that Coronavirus is going to be worse than earlier reported.

“WHO said that?”

“Yes.”

- Did you hear the World Health Organization is calling the Coronavirus a pandemic?

- WHO?
- The World Health Organization
- Yes
- Yes, what?
- WHO Is the World Health Organization
- The people in charge of global disease and health issues
- Who
- The people out there trying to prevent outbreaks
- Who
- The doctors and scientists working on a solution!

Evangelists don’t need health care.

They’re on the single prayer system.

My health insurance company refused to pay my bill because I believe in reincarnation.

They said I had a pre existing condition.

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A Man’s boat sinks...

...and he gets washed up on a deserted island a couple of hours later, along with his pet dog and a pig he had recently bought from a market to fatten up.
After a few days, the man, the dog and the pig got into the routine of sitting at the shoreline, and watching the sun set each evening.
A ...

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For l...

A patient in a mental hospital saves a man from drowning

After he saved the man's life, the doctors are impressed and think that his mental health is getting much better. They tell him that he will be completely fine in some days and will no longer have to stay in the hospital. A few days later, the doctors inform the patient that he is free to go but sha...

A European tells an American a joke

European: Wanna hear a joke?

American: Sure.

European: Free Healthcare

American: I don't get it

European: I know.

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.




The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
...

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What's the difference between a prostitute and the American health system?

Nothing. They both f*ck around with you and do absolutely nothing unless you pay them.

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[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.

They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops.

L...

Got this new Italian Health Insurance.

Not only am I covered if, god forbid, someone were to break my kneecaps. But they'll also make it quick.

As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated.

After that, he was alright.

If you think that Corona beer causes Coronavirus then...

You probably think that the leader of the World Health Organization is Dr Who.

Why was the morbidly obese non-binary person barred access to a health food convention?

No trans-fats allowed.

A lady walks out of a health club...

A beggar approaches her and says "Please, I've not had anything to eat in two days."

She looks at him and replies "God, I wish I had your willpower."

I like my health bars just how I like my plants.

Green and long.

They say carrots are good for your health.

But booze can double your vision.

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Ralph, the department store parrot

During its hayday, Goldfinches was a glorious department store, with gorgeous decorations, including a Aviary centerpiece, where Ralph held court. You see, Ralph had a special ability to detect what people wanted by their appearance, and he would tell them where to look for the thing they needed....

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss

I read it in Men's Health Journal 2006 on page 73 paragraph 4 footnote 3.

Knock knock

-Who’s there

-World Health Organization

-WHO?

My mom wanted me to see the doctor for my mental health

but the couch convinced me not to go

This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits".

Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?

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Three women are at an exclusive health club in Miami. They are debating how much to tip the towel boy.

Edith says, “I’ll give him five bucks.” Esther says, “I’ll give him ten.” “What about you, Rose, what are you going to tip him?” asked Edith. “I’m going to give him sex,” she said.
“Huh? Are you crazy?” asked Esther.
“No. In fact, I was wondering about this yesterday. So I called my husband,...

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Three old men talking about their health problems.

One says “I get up a seven and it takes me twenty minutes to have a pee!”
The second guy says “ I get up at eight and it takes me thirty minutes to have a crap!”
The third guy says” I pee like at horse at seven and crap like a cow at eight!”
“So what’s your problem?” The other two ask him.<...

Health care is too expensive, I went to the hospital for complications from my diabetes

And It cost me an arm and a leg.

- Mommie, what is a Canadian?

\- It's an unarmed North American with health insurance, sweetie.

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank...

While in the bank a group of robbers come in and demanded everyone to hit the ground and the tellers empty the tills. When the lady couldn't get down fast enough one of the robbers panicked and shot her three times in her belly and caused her to collapse. When she woke up hours later she found the r...

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There’s an unusual hospital

where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them.

For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word “Shorty” tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses want ...

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The Queen of England was touring an American hospital.

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if t...

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Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "CUNT!" after the tone.
* If you have sch...

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A girl told me she wanted to be "just friends".

I said "Can we be friends with benefits?".

She said "So, you just want sex?".

I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".

Having birthdays is really good for your health.

Statistics show that the people who have had the most birthdays live the longest.

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Doc

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman."That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'...

Why did the obese woman not worry about her health?

She already had too much on her plate

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office."

Doctor: "Turn him around. Make it look like he was walking in."

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TWO GLASSES OF WINE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in
a day are not enough, reme mber the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front
of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a...

Microbiotics in sour beer has been found to improve the health of North Belgians.

That proves what's good for the Gose is good for the Flanders.

A rabbit on a run through the forest.

So there's this rabbit running through the forest. After a few minutes he comes across a fox who's about to light up a joint. The rabbit kicks the joint from the fox's mouth, saying: "That's bad for your health, you're better off if you join me on my run!" So the fox says, "You're right!" and joins ...

My wife stopped me on the way out the door with my viola case in hand.

Wife: Where do you think you're going?

Me: I got a gig.

Wife: A gig? I thought all your gigs got cancelled?

Me: I got a new one.

Wife: Who hires a violist when we're all quarantined?

Me: The health department. They want me to walk down the street playing my viola ...

Obesity causes a major public health concern.

There’s a growing body of literature on that.

Stupid Overcomplicated euphemism jokes

1.

I’m a transaction manager for a multibillion dollar corporation

I work as a McDonald’s cashier

2.

“Mom there is a burglar in here”

“No kid I’m just an asset reallocation specialist”

3.

“So what do you do for a living?”

“I travel and driv...

Why do salmons need no health insurance?

Because they get cured for free.

I had a Thai massage at the weekend...

Nothing dodgy - the wife had a token for one of those health clubs. So I strips down to my birthday suit and lie face down on the table. This very petite, but very gorgeous Thai girl comes in and starts to give me a very firm yet very relaxing massage. She’s totally stunning and as I’m lying there I...

My doctor wished me good health

So that he will never have the displeasure to run into me again in the hospital setting.

ALERT‼️‼️‼️ The corona virus can be spread through money.

If you have any money at home, put on some gloves, put all the money in a plastic bag and put it outside the front door tonight.
I'm collecting all the plastic bags tonight for safety. Think of your health.

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Rabbits

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff...

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After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

The doctor could not find any explanation for this.

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'E...

What do you call it when a pregnant woman’s husband buys a new car and sleeps with his wife’s health professional?

A midwife crisis

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My boss is really into health eating, but Friday is his cheat day...

...which is when he fucks his secretary.

Abbot and Costello meet the Corona Virus

The World Health Organization says Corona is officially a pandemic.

Who says that?

Yes. 

Who said it's a pandemic?

That's right! They also said don't touch anyone.

Who? 

Anyone! 

I'm asking, WHO said don't touch anyone? 

Absolutely. And...

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You have 10 birds in the tree if one gets shot how many left?

Here the programmer version


You have 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?

There is a programmer version for this question:

One day, when the teacher wanted to test the students' IQ in class, he asked a boy, "There are 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How man...

A health inspector is inspecting an office building

Inspector: And finally to check on how well this building is cleaned

10 minutes later, the inspector walks out of the building with a bloody nose.

Inspector: Well it's a nine out of ten overall. The bathrooms weren't the cleanest but all in all not too shabby at all.

And by the ...

My buddy was trying to quit smoking...

...so I decided to help him out by making smoking seem terrible. I told him how smelly he was afterwards. I told him all the health statistics I'd read. I showed him pictures of diseased lungs. I think I finally got through to him when I soaked his cigarettes in gasoline. He was thrilled with me, I ...

My Grandma decided to start jogging for her health.

It's been almost 2 years now and nobody knows where she is.

The Coronavirus has shut down theater

Due to social distancing, the Shakespearean Theater Company had to cancel all of their live shows. Before self-quarantining, they decided to do one last performance of Romeo and Juliet and livestream their production over the internet. In order to reach a wide audience, they advertised there show o...

As a health conscious cannibal, I only eat Eastern monks.

My doctor recommended a diet high in anti-Occidents.

A little boy was walking on the road eating a chocolate.

A man came over and said, "Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health."

The boy replied, "Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old."

"By eating chocolates?" The man asked.

"No, by minding his own business." He replied.

Antivaxxers' health problems are kind of like computer problems.

They try a load of random things and hope that it works.

Why does the Pillsbury doughboy have so many health problems?

He's inbred.

There once was a man from Stamboul

There once was a man from Stamboul,
who soliloquized thus to his tool:
"You've taken my health,
you've ruined my wealth,
and now you won't pee, you old fool!"

Circumcision is a serious operation that should be discussed at length between parents and health care professionals.

I couldn’t walk for an entire year after I got mine

What's it called when you're still on your mom's health insurance?

Yomamacare

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital.

A nun was s...

I told my friend that I was feeling suicidal. He told me to talk to the mental health clinic for help

They seemed totally against the idea, I guess I’ll do it myself!

Microsoft make software for health spas which controls the temperature in steam rooms.

It's called Steamy Windows.

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One day, Ed goes to Health class.

Health Teacher: Alright class, today we'll be doing Sex Ed.

Class: \*Giggling\*

Ed: \*Raises his hand\*

Health Teacher: Yes, Ed?

Ed: Ma'am, don't you think the bathroom is a bit small?

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