To raise heart health awareness, Cardi B changes her name...

To Cardi O

What does dark humor and health care have in common?

Not everyone gets it...

My dad works for a company that focuses on the health of the lower 3/4 of the body, and yesterday he just became the CEO.

Now he's the Head of Shoulders, Knees, and Toes!

Nike has given its staff a week off for a mental health break.

Big tick.

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4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy . it releases dopamine and reduces stress . improves prostate and cardiovascular health ...

and i still got thrown off the bus

Everyone asked a 100 year-old man for his health secrets:

The old man said: “I’ll tell you you a secret. I’ve been married for 75 years.

Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers. I’ve been walking 5 kilometers everyday for 75 years!”

Everyone asked again:”But how come your wife...

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"



(Sorry)

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Two old men are about to get in the sauna at the health club

One of them says, “I’ve gotten so fat I can’t even see my dick anymore.” The other asks, “Why don’t you diet?” The first guy exclaims, “Dye it? Shit what color is it now?!”

A new study indicates that listening to albums by the band Queen might be bad for your health.

They have a high Mercury content!

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care

I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently

It's really all about raisin awareness.

I usually sit on a computer 12 hours a day now… I think its bad for my health

I should sit on a chair.

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.

Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

I used to have a good life , successful job and health

Then i stopped playing Sims

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

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A woman came out of her annual health checkup totally beaming!!

Her husband asked " what happened ? "

"The doctor was stunned and he said that for a 45 year old woman , I've the breasts of an 18 year old "

"Did he say anything about your 45 year old ass?" Asked the husband.

" No " she answered " the topic of you never came up in the conver...

A doctor, a health insurance agent and a lab tech walk into a bar. Who pays the tab?

The patient

Where do spiders seek health advice

WebMD

An elderly gentleman goes to his..

doctor for a physical, checked his bloodwork, heart and lungs, everything looks great! The doctor said he had one more test to perform. He needed the man to go home to collect a sperm sample in this jar to see how his reproductive health is.

The old man says no problem with a smile.

Th...

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The Queen Elizabeth was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals

and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my God!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your Majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the t...

Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me.

Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

If you care so much about my mental health...

...then gimme some brain

My school had a mental health fair

But I didn’t have any to give, so I didn’t bother going.

The benefits of F***ing

1.F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try F***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy....

A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish.

They call it their No Clams Bonus.

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Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

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A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

Hospital bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care ...

I've been doing my psychology PhD thesis on the mental health and wellbeing of little people. After 4 long years and multiple studies, I've concluded...

6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram!

I'm a content creator.

My Grandfather really liked Fall Out Boy

I never understood why, considering the age gap between him and the band. Every week, I’d go sit with him on his porch and we’d listen to the band, jamming out to some sick tunes and laughing our hearts out at each other’s awful singing. Unfortunately as time passed, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’...

My son was playing a Zelda game and I told him it was more effective to lose health during the summer and winter seasons. Confused, he asked why?

I said, that way you don't take any Fall damage.

Drink like a man or...

An alcoholic in serious health condition finally goes to see a doctor:

\- "Are you drinking like a man, or like cattle?"
\- "Geez doctor, of course like a man!"
\- "That's the problem! Cattle know when to stop."

Golfing and leprechauns.

One day a man was playing golf in Ireland and he sliced his drive and the ball went over to the side of the course and he heard an "ouch". The man looked over to investigate and saw that it was a leprechaun that he had hit with his ball.

"Oh I'm so sorry" said the man helping the leprechaun b...

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

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A nurse had sex with the health minister to get a COVID-19 vaccine.

When asked why she did it, she said "It was worth a shot."

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you...

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A man goes to the doctor

After a few tests he says

"Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health"

The doctor says

"I would seem so, Mercury is in Uranus after all"

The man scoffs,

"No offence doc, but I dont believe in astrology"

"Neither do I" answers the doctor, "My thermo...

Basic Psychology

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrol...

French Number Story

I’ve got a story for you, and it’s a douze-y! Onze upon a time, I was served a meal. I took a few bites and my stomach felt a little strange. I said,”What the heck is dix?” Then I discovered the culprit: “Neuf more huit for me! I am sept on that. I have six eating wheat a long time ago, because my h...

I've been falling asleep listening to comedy specials and I don't think it's good for my health

Because I keep feeling funny in the morning.

I hate the stigma around mental health

Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

A pregnant woman falls into a coma

After some months she wakes up in a hospital bed and as she gains consciousness she realises that her pregnancy belly is gone.

A doctor is standing next to her bed greeting her. "Hello, you have been in a coma for six months. But don't worry you are on good health and will be released soon!"<...

Why do ghosts love health food

Because it’s super natural

The problem with treating mental health

Is that it's all in your head.

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"...

I went to join a health club today and saw a sign on its door that said ‘Look better in 10 days or your money back.’ I then wrote out a check and handed it over to the girl at the front desk.

The girl looked at me and said, “Keep it. We’re gonna mail it back to you anyways.”

Food Coma….

A health forum speaker asks, “Which food causes extreme suffering for years after eating it.”

After a long silence, an old man answered,

“Wedding Cake”…….

An American walks into a bar and is charged $150,000.

Guess he couldn't afford health insurance.

My brothers always out clubbing, my parents are really worried about his health.

He's always had one foot in the rave.

Today our leaders closed of the southern border preventing people from coming to our country for a better life a better education and much needed health care!

As a Canadian I am outraged!

A 60 year old man named Bill goes to get his physical.

When his doctor is finished, he shakes his head. "Bill, you're a 60 year old man, you have the body of a guy in his 40's. You're in better health than most patients I see. I have to ask - how old was your dad when he died?"

"WHAT?", Bill bellows, "Who says Dad's dead?" The doctor starts t...

Do you really care about somebody else’s mental health...

...if you don’t post on your story about it?

Luckily, after contracting COVID 19, Donald Trump got back to full health. It would be a huge tragedy for the whole world to lose him...

...before he did his time.

Did you know that birthdays are actually good for your health?

Studies have shown that a person who has more birthdays live the longest

My doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear...

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had "Serious healthy shoes".

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

Policeman approaches individual in suspicious behavior

Officer: have you ever been arrested?

Individual: yes sir

Officer: for drug trafficking?

Individual: no sir, i don't mess with drugs, they're bad for your health

Officer: so what's your crime?

Individual: organ trafficking

Morris had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris' Last Will and Testament.

Morris had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris' Last Will and Testament.
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.

To my daughter Shirley, I leave my...

What do you call a Nose that has a job as a Health Inspector?

A Scenter for Disease Control.

Do you know about the World Health Organization?

Me : WHO?

What do you call a health conscious cannibal?

A humanitarian

“I lost 5 pounds.” “That’s good for your health!”

The colombians disagree.

At work today I brought my team new markers, crafting paper, decks of cards, and snacks

They didn’t know I was coming, so I jumped out and yelled SUPPLIES!!

(We work in Children’s mental health and everyone got a kick out of it)

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Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems

The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem! Every morning I get up at 5:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 6:30 I have to take a shit, but I ha...

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace panties.

"Since when do you wear womens pants?"

"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

Health secretary in a briefing to Trump: "Sir, in Chennai, India 36 Tamillians have been killed due to Corona Virus"

Trump is silent. His lips quiver. His hands shiver. His eyes wells up. He is unable to speak.

Health secretary is stunned. He never imagined that this event could affect him so badly.

After a few minutes, in a trembling voice, Trump asks "So, how many millions are there in *one tamilli...

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

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We all have to be careful because people are facing mental health issues from being isolated for so long

In fact, I have been discussing with the microwave and toaster during coffee break and we all agreed that things are getting hot.

I spoke with the window this morning cos it was very open about it.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on every...

The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town

I guess she was having a midwife crisis

Who is the leader of international public health?

Yes.

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

If a health food salesman comes to your door ...

... Vitamin!

("Invite - him - in")

... never mind.

A health official walked into a local bakery for an inspection.

She was immediately appalled when she saw the owner smashing the dough against his bare chest before flattening it out on the table. Speechless, she grabbed her pen and notebook and started writing a citation. Seeing the disgust on her face, one of the customers walked up to the health official a...

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After a dry spell, my wife and I decided to start scheduling sex, and it's been amazing for our health.

Now she only has a headache twice a week!

(For people in health related occupations) Knock, Knock.

Who’s there?

HIPAA

HIPAA who?

I can’t tell you.

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.




The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
...

An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35.

His Friends Cautioned Him About The Health Hazard Involved, Saying That The Exertion Of Amour Could Prove To Be Fatal. "Vell, Dat's The Chance I'll Have To Take," Said Lars. "If She Dies...She Dies."

A shady looking man goes into a pet shop one quiet Monday.

“Hello” he whispers to the shopkeeper, “I’ve got something to sell and i shouldn’t have him. Do you know anyone interested in buying a young capuchin?”

The shopkeeper appraises the man and says maybe he does. The two exchange details and arrange a sale the following week.

The shady ma...

Little Johnny..

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench with a box of chocolate bars, casually unwrapping one, eating the bar in its entirety and then moving on to the next chocolate bar in the box. A man set next to him and after a few minutes of watching Johnny work through the box he says, “Surely eating that ...

Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health

But I think fiber makes a solid number two.

Health Education

Appropriate analogy: “The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” = “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.

There are two critical factors in the spread of Coronavirus. 1. How dense is the population. 2. How dense is the population.
...

After it was determined that dogs could not transmit COVID-19 to humans, the world health organization deemed that all companion pets could be let out of quarantine

We really should have seen this coming, they told us WHO let the dogs out for years

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

Donald trump said he cares more about the health and safety of the American public than he does about money.

Well *I* laughed when he said it.

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I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer.

“Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”

What is the difference between an American health care worker running out of PPE, and a Russian healthcare worker running out of PPE?

At least the American doesn't need a parachute too!

The UK is officially changing its name in honor of mental health awareness.

The new name being "U.O.K.?"

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Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.”

Has tested positive for the virus!!!

During this lockdown, please think of the confidence level and mental health of your companies IT person.

They have gone more then three months without being able to look you in the eye without smirking, while first turning your computer off and then on again, before accessing the admin profile to delete then add the wireless printer again so you can print your emails.

Austria’s Prime minister...

... and his minister of health were sitting in a restaurant and laughing out loud. A guest comes by and asks: “Why are you laughing that hard?”
The PM replies: “We are planning the next lockdown!”
Guest: “And that’s so funny?”
PM: “Yes…”
Guest: “What are you planning to do?”
PM: “We w...

In health a cop asked what to do if your brother was smoking weed while the parents left the house

I responded hide the snacks (he started cracking up)

As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated.

After that, he was alright.

I just finished installing a 5G mast for the local area when this crazy lady runs out of the house and starts throwing bizarre accusations of how 5G is hurting people's health and what monsters we telecoms guys are. What a screwball!

4G must've fried her brain.

Wanna hear a joke about free healthcare?

Oh, your American? Never mind , you wouldn’t get it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old couple goes to their doctor

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with...

I saw a poster today for a free concert for those working in public health. It said 'Frontline Only'.

Weird. I would've thought they'd fill the whole venue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a prostitute and the American health system?

Nothing. They both f*ck around with you and do absolutely nothing unless you pay them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

The health inspector shut down the restaurant on the corner of main street and second avenue...

A new owner rebuilt the kitchen area. The inspector was very impressed with the new kitchen. Stainless steel counters and shelves. Floors of white marble. More lighting install making a bright and clean looking work area. Tongs hanging everywhere, the food was not touched by human hands.

The ...

I know many people have been appalled by reopen protestors risking public health for questionable reasoning. But, just remember 2-3% of em’ will be dead in the next few months anyway....

....not from Coronavirus but from fireworks accidents and ATV rollovers

Thankful for all the health care workers during this pandemic

Without dem, it would be a panic.

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