Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office."

Doctor: "Turn him around. Make it look like he was walking in."

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.

Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

*If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.*

*If You have Ocd, Push The numbers 1, 2, 3, 7*

*If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.*

*If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.*

*If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what ...

I'll never forget the Do's and Don'ts my Christian Health teacher taught me in highschool.

Do's: Don't

Don'ts: Do

A health inspector is inspecting an office building

Inspector: And finally to check on how well this building is cleaned

10 minutes later, the inspector walks out of the building with a bloody nose.

Inspector: Well it's a nine out of ten overall. The bathrooms weren't the cleanest but all in all not too shabby at all.

And by the ...

You have to take these modern homeopathic health fads with a pinch of salt.

Preferably Himalayan pink rock salt, due to its high mineral content and detoxifying effects.

What's it called when you're still on your mom's health insurance?

Yomamacare

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

The doctor could not find any explanation for this.

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'E...

My health science teacher told me to write a 1,000 word essay on drugs

The paper became a taco and the floor was melting.

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates.

One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.”

St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.”

St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, “...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Smoking is injurious to health

**Doctor**: Do you smoke often?

**Me**: Only after I have sex.

**Doctor**: Well, your lungs are in perfect condition.

Two men are discussing the ailing health of their parents.

“I feel bad,” the first man says. “My dad is senile. All he does is stare through the window all day long.”

​

“That’s an awful way to live,” the second man responds.

​

“Yeah, I know,” the man admitted. “One day I should really let him in the house.”

How do anime fans diagnose health problens?

WeebMD

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.

"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I once read a sexual health website that recommended men stick their dick in an oven...

I thought to myself, "Now that's a hot tip"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Queen of England

The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.


"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"


The doctor leading the ...

What do you call the Mental Health class at Hogwarts?

Defence against the Dark Thoughts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Saw some Little People marching for Sexual Health Awareness yesterday...

They were chanting “Stand Up for Blowjobs”.

I have this problem where I hallucinate different types of health professionals,

So I’m seeing a psychologist

The health benefits of vaping

Ever since I started vaping, my wife has been getting a lot less cigarette burns.

I enjoy one glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Queen was touring a hospital

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss is really into health eating, but Friday is his cheat day...

...which is when he fucks his secretary.

How do spiders diagnose health issues?

they use WebMD

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three old men are talking about their health

The first says: "I'm not doing too well. I wake up every morning at 6 AM and want to take a leak, but I can't seem to pee."

The second commiserates: "I hear you, buddy. I wake up at 6 too and want to pee, and while I can take a leak, when at 7 AM I want to shit, I just can't force it out. It'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on a hospital bed. An young nurse came to clean his body with sponge. The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just getting you clean” The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?” N...

Eating at McDonald's has plenty of health benefits.

For instance, it would prevent you from dying of old age.

Globally, the lack of awareness for women's reproductive health is a major problem. We need to grow up and understand that menstruation is not a joke.

Period.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's a Health Club Trainer's job?

Making, JERKS BEEFY!

My roommate got a job with health insurance.

Now I finally know what it feels like to be in a friends with benefits situation.

Don't call people online 'NPCs'. It's insulting.

NPCs give you health and ammo.

I tried to get a job at a health club...

but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I like to masturbate twice a day for the health benefits.

The other three times are just for me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The final word on nutrition and health.

The final word on nutrition and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attac...

My uncle decided to get involved in a sport as his health was failing.

But he took up bobsleigh and went downhill rapidly

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensiv...

Birthdays are good for your health.

Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.

It's weird that I have health class in third period

Because they're just teaching us about what to do during first period.

What’s a crips biggest health concern

High bloods pressure

An animal health inspector will be here in a few minutes, but the dang farmhand just gave the cows a bunch of marijuana

The steaks have never been higher.

American Healthcare

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Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

I have a weird mental health issue where I have to get out and pull my car every time I go through a tunnel.

It's car-pull tunnel syndrome.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Health tip

If a women drinks two glasses of wine a night, it increases the likelihood of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, then she's likely to throw in a blowjob as well.

Eating leftovers is bad for my health

Everytime I tell my wife it was so bad the first time there's no way I'm eating it a 2nd, she beats me.

Im currently doing my dissertation on the safety of a new handheld device for the world health organisation

New phone WHO diss

The tagline of World Health Organization

WHO cares!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last night my girlfriend called to tell me her pee was cloudy and it had her worrying about her health.

So like a good boyfriend I took to Google to try and put her mind at ease. After reading a few articles I summed up what I found for her.

“Alright babe, you either have a UTI, you are dehydrated or you have the clap.”

“Ohh no, how could this happen?”

“Well two of them I totally ...

A video game character walks into a health bar...

... and he remarks "that's the fourth wall I've walked into today!"

New study shows procrastination is as harmful to mental health as alcohol abuse

To combat this, I've decided to form Procrastinators anonymous, please consider joining it!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems

The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing," said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I h...

Three hillbillies are at work...

They’ve just been handed their new health benefits plan. Cletus starts reading it and says “Hey Billy-Bob, hey Bubba, check this part out, if we lose a finger at work we get $5000!”

Later that day, Billy-Bob and Bubba cut off Cletus’ finger. They collect their $5000, put the finger in a plast...

I told my parents that they should pay for my health insurance

As they are the main contributers to my health issues.

What do you call the opposite of a hypochondriac, someone who isn't scared of health issues at all?

Dead.

Did you hear about the haunted health food store?

Everything is super-natural.

My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money, watch your health.”

So one day while I was watching my health, my grandfather stole my money.

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

A very religious man's child was caught with measles....

The man put the child in his bed and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbor came by and said, “His temperature will soon be too high and will cause irreparable health problems, let me give him some medicine.”


“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will ...

I can’t believe the way they used the Childrens Health Insurance Program during the budget debate...

It was like a bargaining CHIP.

The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

My dying friend asked me not to joke about his health.

But I can’t help it, I have a really bad sense of tumor.

If smoking is so bad for your health...

Then how come it cures salmon?

What kind of table is good for your health?

A vegetable!

This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece!

It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me.

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health.

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door.

'Sure,' his wife said. 'It will cost you $500.'

'That much?'

'...

You're saying that the two people I don't want for president, one is in poor health?

I'm voting for the dying one.

What kind of health insurance does Steven Hawking have?

AVG Antivirus

Son: what’s a Canadian, mommy?

Mom: it's an un-armed North American with health insurance, honey.

A mental health facility offers supervised hobbies for its patients.

They have access to painting, exercise, a small library, cooking, all sorts of stuff.

When they paint, they are often instructed to paint their mood, or something they would like to see or do when they are released. Some paint melancholy things, dark with depressive imagery and muted colors. ...

A Hot Thai Nurse

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service in the UK, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.


As usual he was asked to...

There once was a woman who had 100 children....

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why robots are not good for health

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend'...

My sister and her husband live next to a bunch of cell phone towers, and they're concerned it’s going to affect the health of their children.

*If* they can stop having miscarriages.

According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats

I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.

Yo mama so fat

We are all concerned for her health, Kevin.

Did you hear about 24 million Americans' health insurance?

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My friend took his grandmother to one of those health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin...

It cost him $300, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was teaching my health class about the female anatomy...

"This is the vagina. This is the clitoris, and this is the anus. Any questions?"

"Yes," said one of the students, "Can I put my jeans back on now?"

What do you do when health nut shows up to your house?

You vitamin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I failed my Health and Safety test at work today when I was asked what steps to take in case of a fire.

"fucking large ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

Did you know you can't squint while you are smiling?

You can but I just wanted to make you smile and wish you a good health.

I read an article about how smoking is bad for your health and I decided...

That's it.

I'm no longer reading

A blonde woman goes to the doctor

She says "Doctor, I recently started talking to myself a lot and I'm worried about my mental health"

He calms her down and says "Don't worry, people talk to themselves all the time, I do it too"

So then she responds "Yeah but you're talking to a doctor, I'm just talking with this dumb ...

My 2018 health insurance premiums went up 40% but I'll be paying 30% less than the previous year.

Because I won't have any money left for food or rent so I'll probably die half way through the year.