UPJOKE
diseaseobesitymedicinenutritionwell-beingexercisewelfarehealth carepublic healthnursingstresssafetyhygieneresearchsocial

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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy. It releases dopamine and reduces stress. Improves prostate gland and cardiovascular health.

Still got thrown off the bus.

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

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The World Health Organization has said Monkeypox is primarily spreading through sex.

So Redditors should be safe.

Why do health inspectors get blue balls?

Because they can’t come on the weekends

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Things you can say during sex and at a funeral. I’ll go first....

Even with all of her health issues, I'm glad grandma was able to come.

I'm regularly asked to be a photomodel for sports magazines, man's health, dietary topics etc.

I'm the guy in the "before" pictures.

How can you tell if a tiktoker has mental health issues?

They'll tell you.

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98 year old wife for their health secrets:

The old man said: I'll tell you my secret.
I've been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.

So I've been walking 5 kilometers every day for past 75 years!

Everyone applauded and asked again:
But ho...

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care

Water solves so many health problems.

Want to lose weight? Drink water.

Want clearer skin? Drink water.

Suffer from migraines? Drink water.

People causing you anxiety? Drown them in water.

Did you know that birthdays are good for your health?

It’s a scientific fact: People who have more birthdays live longer

What does the H in America stand for?

Healthcare

Why do frat boys major in dental health?

Because they wanna see what that mouth do

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers. "Since when do you wear womens pants?"

"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

Taking astrology seriously is dangerous for your health

It has a one in twelve chance of giving you Cancer.

An 80 year old man goes in for a physical

And the doctor tells him, "You're in terrific health, you're healthier than most 40 year olds, what do you contribute your exceptional health to?"

And the man replies"Turkey hunting, every morning I walk in the mountains and go turkey hunting."

"Well maybe genetics has something to do ...

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NATO is like a health insurance...

You want to have it before shit happens, but they wouldn't let you have it because of the pre-existing conditions.

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At school

At school, 5th grade classroom.
The new teacher is asking some questions to the kids just to know them a little better.

T: so, Lucy, tell me about your family.
Lucy: I'm the only child. Dad work in a factory and mom is a housemaid.

T: a typical family... Nice. And what about your...

I know a lot of people struggle with their mental health

Because I struggle with my mental health and I'm a lot of people.

I've lived on Mars for years

However, only eating chocolate has taken a toll on my health

Dark humor xD

A husband got called into a hospital. His wife's just had a really bad car accident... He's pacing nervously in waiting hall expecting the doctor to come out of the OR. Finally the doctor comes out.

- 'How is she, doctor?'
- 'Well, she's alive... and that's good news. But there is some bad...

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I went to the mental health clinic the other day and the Doctor said I was a "paranoid misogynist"

Well...she didn't actually say it, but I know what the bitch was thinking.

The World Health Organisation has declared that dogs cannot transmit Covid and there's no need to quarantine them..

W.H.O. let the dogs out.

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The Man who could only Drink Milk

I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed...

I'm no Trumper but these so called "health experts" are liars!

They said a mask and gloves was enough to go to the grocery store!!

When I got there, everyone else also had clothes on :/

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

Man sends to his sister who lives abroad

"Your favorite cat died"
She replied: "WTF man, this took me by surprise, you should've prepared me for such tragic news"
-and how on earth would I do that?
-first you tell me the cat went outside to play, the next day you say the weather has been freezing these few days, I wo...

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A husband and wife are playing golf...

A husband and wife are playing golf at a very high end golf course that's right next to an even fancier neighborhood. They tee off on the 3rd hole and the husband's drive veers sharp to the left, sending the golf ball through the window of an extravagant, luxurious home. Clearly the most expensive h...

Why is it bad for your car’s health to let a communist dictator inside?

Because it will start Stalin.

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"



(Sorry)

They say at 7:11, you're supposed to make a wish, so I wish for good health and lots of money...

But for some reason I just keep getting gas station hot dogs.

My dad works for a company that focuses on the health of the lower 3/4 of the body, and yesterday he just became the CEO.

Now he's the Head of Shoulders, Knees, and Toes!

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A old couple went to the doctor for a health checkup.

The man goes in first. The doctor asks him - Are you keeping well?

The man replies - Yes. Every night, when I go downstairs to the bathroom, I open the door and the light comes on. When I am finished, I close the door and the light switches off.

When it is the wife's turn, the doctor a...

A health-conscious man got a job as...

... a grocery packer. Every day he watched customers buy candy, soda, potato chips and processed snacks. He knew people were damaging their health with these unhealthy foods choices.

One day, he couldn't take it anymore. When he saw a customer with their cart full of particularly unhealthy ju...

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

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Public Health England.

Due to the shortage of lateral flow tests available the government are going to introduce a new '1 minute self diagnostic' process.

You put one finger in your mouth, and one up your ass.

After 60 seconds swap fingers, if you can't smell or taste the difference, Isolate.

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

A knight and a wizard encounter a dragon.

Near the end of the battle, the dragon breathes fire at the knight, taking 2,199 of his 2,200 HP. The wizard uses 10 of his last 15 MP and deals 200 damage. The dragon, only having 199 HP left, dies and the knight and wizard are victorious.

The knight's remaining 1 HP starts fading. The wizar...

I saw on this girl's dating profile that she's a "health and fitness junkie." So that's cool...

We've got one of those three things in common.

Whats the best health insurance in America?

Go Fund Me

The Doctor was impressed with my health and presented me with a trophy

I just don't remember whether it was atrophy or dystrophy.

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A farmer was involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck...

He ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

'I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?' said the counsel for the insurance company. 'Yes, that's right,' replied the farmer. 'You claim you were injured in the accident, yet i have a...

To raise heart health awareness, Cardi B changes her name...

To Cardi O

What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil?

The American Healthcare System

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Health Plans

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient pleasuring himself right there in the hallway. "Wh...

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i was excited when i was asked to participate in experiment about regular sex and its effects on mental health

being in control group definitely make me depressed

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Health Violation

A man orders a hot dog with relish from a street vendor. The vendor grabs the dog with his bare hands and puts it on a bun. He then applies the relish with his fingers. The man pulls out a badge and says, "I'm the health inspector and I'm shutting you down!" The vendor pleads with the inspector and ...

An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Won...

I'm a reproductive health provider. A female patient came in for a pelvic exam.

I told her "give me a few minutes, I'll be at your cervix"

I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently

It's really all about raisin awareness.

Three large trolls were sitting around the campfire discussing their health.

"My doctor tolt me I need to get meself some exercise. Good fer me heart. So I tossed 'im up high in there air. Daggum good exercise."

The next troll laughed, "If ye gots any heart at all, its as hard and cold as granite. My doctor tolt me I was lack toes intolrant. Ain't sure what 'e meant s...

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SUMMER CAMP FOR Husbands. Evening classes for men. Starting this month.

*Summer camp*

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the content, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

*Topic 1.*
How to fill ice-cube trays and why to fill water bottles before putting them back in the fridge.
Step by step with slide pre...

Nike has given its staff a week off for a mental health break.

Big tick.

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Two old men are about to get in the sauna at the health club

One of them says, “I’ve gotten so fat I can’t even see my dick anymore.” The other asks, “Why don’t you diet?” The first guy exclaims, “Dye it? Shit what color is it now?!”

American kid: Mommy, what's a "Canadian"?

Well, dear, that's an unarmed citizen with health insurance.

62-year old Walter was in Dr. Miller's exam room for his annual checkup...

As the exam came to a close the doctor asked if Walter had any other questions about his health.

"Well, Doc, I've gained a bit more weight in the midsection, y'see, and, uh, when I look down I...well..I can't see the ol' captain anymore, if you know what I mean. What do you recommend?"
...

A doctor, a health insurance agent and a lab tech walk into a bar. Who pays the tab?

The patient

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4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

The new Joker went to see a doctor for his mental health, but didn't make an appointment.

It was a Joaquin.

Coping with the depression of my wife cheating on me has made me unhealthy. My new motto is going to be #BEACHEATER

The doctor told me that the sand is very good for health

I hate the stigma around mental health

Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.

A really hot gal in my apartment complex said she wanted us to be "friends with benefits"

Does anyone know where I can get a group health insurance plan?

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss!

I read it in Men's Health Journal 2006 on page 73 paragraph 4 footnote 3.

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Hot and cold sex

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man.. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her...

Where do spiders seek health advice

WebMD

A new study indicates that listening to albums by the band Queen might be bad for your health.

They have a high Mercury content!

Dark humour is like Free health care

Not everyone gets it.

Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me.

Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

I've been doing my psychology PhD thesis on the mental health and wellbeing of little people. After 4 long years and multiple studies, I've concluded...

6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

I usually sit on a computer 12 hours a day now… I think its bad for my health

I should sit on a chair.

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Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram!

I'm a content creator.

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

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Visit to a hospital

A wealthy woman was being shown around a hospital.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

\- "Oh My God!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful, why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

\-...

If you care so much about my mental health...

...then gimme some brain

My son was playing a Zelda game and I told him it was more effective to lose health during the summer and winter seasons. Confused, he asked why?

I said, that way you don't take any Fall damage.

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

Why do ghosts love health food

Because it’s super natural

An elderly gentleman goes to his..

doctor for a physical, checked his bloodwork, heart and lungs, everything looks great! The doctor said he had one more test to perform. He needed the man to go home to collect a sperm sample in this jar to see how his reproductive health is.

The old man says no problem with a smile.

Th...

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"...

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A woman came out of her annual health checkup totally beaming!!

Her husband asked " what happened ? "

"The doctor was stunned and he said that for a 45 year old woman , I've the breasts of an 18 year old "

"Did he say anything about your 45 year old ass?" Asked the husband.

" No " she answered " the topic of you never came up in the conver...

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Dead Cow and the Mermaid

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly conti...

My school had a mental health fair

But I didn’t have any to give, so I didn’t bother going.

A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish.

They call it their No Clams Bonus.

An older man is at a routine doctors appointment

Everything checks out, and he appears to be in good health.

At the end of the appointment, the doctor asks him if “he had any questions?”

The old man replies “no, I’m okay, but I am concerned about my wife; I don’t think her hearing is what it used to be.”

“That happens with ag...

Why don’t astronauts need health cover?

Because they are never under the weather.

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I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

I arrived at the gas station only to see that its 7.00 dollars per gallon and 7.00 dollars per pack of cigarettes. And since my job is on the line, the answer is pretty obvious.

I can bike for 30 miles, its better for my health anyways.

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There was once a woman who had a hundred children

She was a bit of an eccentric - you'd have to be to have a hundred kids after all. And so, she decided to give her children names after the order they were born in. So she had one, two, three, four, all the way through to hundred.

Her husband was eventually unable to keep up with the pressur...

Who is the leader of international public health?

Yes.

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A nurse had sex with the health minister to get a COVID-19 vaccine.

When asked why she did it, she said "It was worth a shot."

Today our leaders closed of the southern border preventing people from coming to our country for a better life a better education and much needed health care!

As a Canadian I am outraged!

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.




The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
...

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An Australian joke (but it may translate..)

ScoMo (the Australian Prime Minister, right wing, evangelical, ex marketing specialist) is visiting a remote indigenous village, surrounded by the fawning Murdoch press. He speaks to the village elder and asks him how he can make the locals lives better.

"Well," says the elder, "We've got two...

Leaving Work Early

Three female co-workers notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a li...

(For people in health related occupations) Knock, Knock.

Who’s there?

HIPAA

HIPAA who?

I can’t tell you.

I went to join a health club today and saw a sign on its door that said ‘Look better in 10 days or your money back.’ I then wrote out a check and handed it over to the girl at the front desk.

The girl looked at me and said, “Keep it. We’re gonna mail it back to you anyways.”

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We all have to be careful because people are facing mental health issues from being isolated for so long

In fact, I have been discussing with the microwave and toaster during coffee break and we all agreed that things are getting hot.

I spoke with the window this morning cos it was very open about it.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on every...

My brothers always out clubbing, my parents are really worried about his health.

He's always had one foot in the rave.

Do you really care about somebody else’s mental health...

...if you don’t post on your story about it?

What do you call a health conscious cannibal?

A humanitarian

Cowboy Insurance

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.


"Ever have an accident?"


"Nope, nary a one."


"None? You've never had any accidents."


"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."


"Well, ...

Luckily, after contracting COVID 19, Donald Trump got back to full health. It would be a huge tragedy for the whole world to lose him...

...before he did his time.

A doctor, a lawyer, and a biologist are discussing the costs and benefits of having an affair.

The doctor says no one should ever have an affair. It creates too much anxiety and it's bad for your health.

The lawyer says it's OK to have an affair as long as you don't tell your wife. If you tell your wife, she might file for a divorce and it's bad for your pocketbook.

The biologis...

The problem with treating mental health

Is that it's all in your head.

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New Job!!

A young guy living in Boston recently became unemployed and he immediately went to the nearest job center where he noticed a flyer pinned to the job board seeking a "Gynecologist's Assistant to work at a newly-built 'Soothing Approach Gynecology Center', no experience required".
He was very inter...

“I lost 5 pounds.” “That’s good for your health!”

The colombians disagree.

The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town

I guess she was having a midwife crisis

A health official walked into a local bakery for an inspection.

She was immediately appalled when she saw the owner smashing the dough against his bare chest before flattening it out on the table. Speechless, she grabbed her pen and notebook and started writing a citation. Seeing the disgust on her face, one of the customers walked up to the health official a...

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My boss is really into health eating, but Friday is his cheat day...

...which is when he fucks his secretary.

What do you call a Nose that has a job as a Health Inspector?

A Scenter for Disease Control.

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

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It is medically proven that regular ejaculations greatly reduce the risk of prostate cancer. (NSFW)

Call them Health Nuts.

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Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.”

Has tested positive for the virus!!!

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A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

Jack loved cake...

Jack loved cake so much that every morning he would drive to the local bakery to get a piece.

Jack was married to Edith who did not like cake. She also didn't like how fat Jack was getting. Worried for his health, Edith eventually gave an ultimatum. Jack either had to give up the cake or she...

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

Donald trump said he cares more about the health and safety of the American public than he does about money.

Well *I* laughed when he said it.

What is the difference between an American health care worker running out of PPE, and a Russian healthcare worker running out of PPE?

At least the American doesn't need a parachute too!

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