Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spas, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.

It cost him $35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a nurse during sex

To satisfy my fetish of having a health insurance.

Microbiotics in sour beer has been found to improve the health of North Belgians.

That proves what's good for the Gose is good for the Flanders.

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Three women are at an exclusive health club in Miami. They are debating how much to tip the towel boy.

Edith says, “I’ll give him five bucks.” Esther says, “I’ll give him ten.” “What about you, Rose, what are you going to tip him?” asked Edith. “I’m going to give him sex,” she said.
“Huh? Are you crazy?” asked Esther.
“No. In fact, I was wondering about this yesterday. So I called my husband,...

My doctor wished me good health

So that he will never have the displeasure to run into me again in the hospital setting.

Why did the obese woman not worry about her health?

She already had too much on her plate

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Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "CUNT!" after the tone.
* If you have sch...

Why do salmons need no health insurance?

Because they get cured for free.

Obesity causes a major public health concern.

There’s a growing body of literature on that.

Having birthdays is really good for your health.

Statistics show that the people who have had the most birthdays live the longest.

We are the World Health Organization.

- I’m sorry, who?

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office."

Doctor: "Turn him around. Make it look like he was walking in."

1: Hey! I've got great news! I've been hired by the World Health Organisation!

2: WHO?

1: yea it's them

Why does the Pillsbury doughboy have so many health problems?

He's inbred.

My Grandma decided to start jogging for her health.

It's been almost 2 years now and nobody knows where she is.

Antivaxxers' health problems are kind of like computer problems.

They try a load of random things and hope that it works.

A health inspector went to a latex factory.

The factory looked clean so far, and he went over to the gloves department. He saw that the workers dipped their hand into the latex, waited for it to cool and peeled it off. He immediately called the manager to complain of this health code violation. The manager said: "You ain't seen nothing yet, w...

Circumcision is a serious operation that should be discussed at length between parents and health care professionals.

I couldn’t walk for an entire year after I got mine

As a health conscious cannibal, I only eat Eastern monks.

My doctor recommended a diet high in anti-Occidents.

What do you call it when a pregnant woman’s husband buys a new car and sleeps with his wife’s health professional?

A midwife crisis

I told my friend that I was feeling suicidal. He told me to talk to the mental health clinic for help

They seemed totally against the idea, I guess I’ll do it myself!

A health inspector is inspecting an office building

Inspector: And finally to check on how well this building is cleaned

10 minutes later, the inspector walks out of the building with a bloody nose.

Inspector: Well it's a nine out of ten overall. The bathrooms weren't the cleanest but all in all not too shabby at all.

And by the ...

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The Queen was touring a hospital

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if ...

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One day, Ed goes to Health class.

Health Teacher: Alright class, today we'll be doing Sex Ed.

Class: \*Giggling\*

Ed: \*Raises his hand\*

Health Teacher: Yes, Ed?

Ed: Ma'am, don't you think the bathroom is a bit small?

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After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

The doctor could not find any explanation for this.

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'E...

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A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he d...

What's it called when you're still on your mom's health insurance?

Yomamacare

Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

*If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.*

*If You have Ocd, Push The numbers 1, 2, 3, 7*

*If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.*

*If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.*

*If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what ...

I'll never forget the Do's and Don'ts my Christian Health teacher taught me in highschool.

Do's: Don't

Don'ts: Do

Two men are discussing the ailing health of their parents.

“I feel bad,” the first man says. “My dad is senile. All he does is stare through the window all day long.”



“That’s an awful way to live,” the second man responds.



“Yeah, I know,” the man admitted. “One day I should really let him in the house.”

How do anime fans diagnose health problens?

WeebMD

You have to take these modern homeopathic health fads with a pinch of salt.

Preferably Himalayan pink rock salt, due to its high mineral content and detoxifying effects.

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The Queen of England

The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.


"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"


The doctor leading the ...

Why do ghosts love to eat health foods so much?

Because they’re super natural

Why does Santa have to be extra careful with his health around Christmas Eve?

It's flue season.

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates.

One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.”

St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.”

St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, “...

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.

"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

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My boss is really into health eating, but Friday is his cheat day...

...which is when he fucks his secretary.

I have this problem where I hallucinate different types of health professionals,

So I’m seeing a psychologist

What do you call the Mental Health class at Hogwarts?

Defence against the Dark Thoughts.

I enjoy one glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

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Saw some Little People marching for Sexual Health Awareness yesterday...

They were chanting “Stand Up for Blowjobs”.

The health benefits of vaping

Ever since I started vaping, my wife has been getting a lot less cigarette burns.

Globally, the lack of awareness for women's reproductive health is a major problem. We need to grow up and understand that menstruation is not a joke.

Period.

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A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on a hospital bed. An young nurse came to clean his body with sponge. The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just getting you clean” The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?” N...

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What's a Health Club Trainer's job?

Making, JERKS BEEFY!

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Three old men are talking about their health

The first says: "I'm not doing too well. I wake up every morning at 6 AM and want to take a leak, but I can't seem to pee."

The second commiserates: "I hear you, buddy. I wake up at 6 too and want to pee, and while I can take a leak, when at 7 AM I want to shit, I just can't force it out. It'...

Don't call people online 'NPCs'. It's insulting.

NPCs give you health and ammo.

My roommate got a job with health insurance.

Now I finally know what it feels like to be in a friends with benefits situation.

Eating at McDonald's has plenty of health benefits.

For instance, it would prevent you from dying of old age.

American Healthcare

[removed]

How do spiders diagnose health issues?

they use WebMD

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I like to masturbate twice a day for the health benefits.

The other three times are just for me.

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The final word on nutrition and health.

The final word on nutrition and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attac...

My uncle decided to get involved in a sport as his health was failing.

But he took up bobsleigh and went downhill rapidly

It's weird that I have health class in third period

Because they're just teaching us about what to do during first period.

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

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Health tip

If a women drinks two glasses of wine a night, it increases the likelihood of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, then she's likely to throw in a blowjob as well.

What’s a crips biggest health concern

High bloods pressure

I tried to get a job at a health club...

but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

I have a weird mental health issue where I have to get out and pull my car every time I go through a tunnel.

It's car-pull tunnel syndrome.

An animal health inspector will be here in a few minutes, but the dang farmhand just gave the cows a bunch of marijuana

The steaks have never been higher.

Once there was a girl named Darling...

... had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name. She always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school and hated her parents for the pain they inflicted on her. By the time she graduated school, however, she overcame her anger and embraced her unusual name finding it brought her so...

The black cow and the white cow

A curious guy sees a farmer tending to two cows in his field.

Guy: Hey, what do you feed those cows?
Farmer: The white one or the black one?
Guy: The white one.
Farmer: Grass.
Guy: How about the black one?
Farmer: Grass.

Guy: Where do they sleep?
Farmer: The white one...

Im currently doing my dissertation on the safety of a new handheld device for the world health organisation

New phone WHO diss

What health ailment do elderly frogs suffer from?

Ribbit-toad arthritis



I'll see myself out...

A video game character walks into a health bar...

... and he remarks "that's the fourth wall I've walked into today!"

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Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems

The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing," said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I h...

New study shows procrastination is as harmful to mental health as alcohol abuse

To combat this, I've decided to form Procrastinators anonymous, please consider joining it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night my girlfriend called to tell me her pee was cloudy and it had her worrying about her health.

So like a good boyfriend I took to Google to try and put her mind at ease. After reading a few articles I summed up what I found for her.

“Alright babe, you either have a UTI, you are dehydrated or you have the clap.”

“Ohh no, how could this happen?”

“Well two of them I totally ...

What do you call the opposite of a hypochondriac, someone who isn't scared of health issues at all?

Dead.

What kind of table is good for your health?

A vegetable!

This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece!

It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me.

The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money, watch your health.”

So one day while I was watching my health, my grandfather stole my money.

Did you hear about the haunted health food store?

Everything is super-natural.

You're saying that the two people I don't want for president, one is in poor health?

I'm voting for the dying one.

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health.

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door.

'Sure,' his wife said. 'It will cost you $500.'

'That much?'

'...

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[NSFW] A farmer got a new rooster for his farm.

Once arrived in the farm, the rooster immediately took off to chase after the chickens in the barn.

Without pause and little sleep for the rooster, the farmer eventually found him laying dead on the open field three days later.

The farmer huffs at him: "Kinda served you right, y'know...

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

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