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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy . it releases dopamine and reduces stress . improves prostate and cardiovascular health ...

and i still got thrown off the bus

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"



(Sorry)

Due to health concerns, my doctor recommend I go on a strict vegetarian diet, and practice portion control.

I am happy to announce that I am down to one vegetarian a day, as they are surprisingly filling.

I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently

It's really all about raisin awareness.

A doctor, a health insurance agent and a lab tech walk into a bar. Who pays the tab?

The patient

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A woman came out of her annual health checkup totally beaming!!

Her husband asked " what happened ? "

"The doctor was stunned and he said that for a 45 year old woman , I've the breasts of an 18 year old "

"Did he say anything about your 45 year old ass?" Asked the husband.

" No " she answered " the topic of you never came up in the conver...

I usually sit on a computer 12 hours a day now… I think its bad for my health

I should sit on a chair.

Where do spiders seek health advice

WebMD

My school had a mental health fair

But I didn’t have any to give, so I didn’t bother going.

If you care so much about my mental health...

...then gimme some brain

Why don’t astronauts need health cover?

Because they are never under the weather.

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Therapist “how’s your mental health?” Me “well lets just say there is no health anymore”

Im just mental now.

Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me.

Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

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A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish.

They call it their No Clams Bonus.

I used to have a good life , successful job and health

Then i stopped playing Sims

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.

Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

A pregnant woman falls into a coma

After some months she wakes up in a hospital bed and as she gains consciousness she realises that her pregnancy belly is gone.

A doctor is standing next to her bed greeting her. "Hello, you have been in a coma for six months. But don't worry you are on good health and will be released soon!"<...

My son was playing a Zelda game and I told him it was more effective to lose health during the summer and winter seasons. Confused, he asked why?

I said, that way you don't take any Fall damage.

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Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram!

I'm a content creator.

I've been doing my psychology PhD thesis on the mental health and wellbeing of little people. After 4 long years and multiple studies, I've concluded...

6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.

I've been falling asleep listening to comedy specials and I don't think it's good for my health

Because I keep feeling funny in the morning.

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A 45 year old woman arrives home from her doctor’s exam, just gleaming with happiness.

Her husband, being a grump, asked: “What’s got you so happy!?”

The woman says, “The doctor said I am in great health. He was also impressed and said I have the breasts of a 20 year old!!”

The husband scoffs.
Then asked, “Really? And what did he say about your 50 year old ass!?”
<...

The devoted wife

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came out of coma, he motioned for her to come closer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? Y...

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A nurse had sex with the health minister to get a COVID-19 vaccine.

When asked why she did it, she said "It was worth a shot."

Dark humour is like Free health care

Not everyone gets it.

Why do ghosts love health food

Because it’s super natural

I went to join a health club today and saw a sign on its door that said ‘Look better in 10 days or your money back.’ I then wrote out a check and handed it over to the girl at the front desk.

The girl looked at me and said, “Keep it. We’re gonna mail it back to you anyways.”

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

My doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear...

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had "Serious healthy shoes".

My brothers always out clubbing, my parents are really worried about his health.

He's always had one foot in the rave.

Today our leaders closed of the southern border preventing people from coming to our country for a better life a better education and much needed health care!

As a Canadian I am outraged!

I hate the stigma around mental health

Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.

The problem with treating mental health

Is that it's all in your head.

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"...

Long term pain

During a congress about health care, the speaker asks:
"which food causes extreme suffering, even after years of being eaten?"

After a long silence an elderly raises his hand and replies "A WEDDING CAKE"

An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35.

His Friends Cautioned Him About The Health Hazard Involved, Saying That The Exertion Of Amour Could Prove To Be Fatal. "Vell, Dat's The Chance I'll Have To Take," Said Lars. "If She Dies...She Dies."

Do you really care about somebody else’s mental health...

...if you don’t post on your story about it?

Luckily, after contracting COVID 19, Donald Trump got back to full health. It would be a huge tragedy for the whole world to lose him...

...before he did his time.

Little Johnny..

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench with a box of chocolate bars, casually unwrapping one, eating the bar in its entirety and then moving on to the next chocolate bar in the box. A man set next to him and after a few minutes of watching Johnny work through the box he says, “Surely eating that ...

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Remy the rat is sitting on his therapist's couch

His therapist says, "Remy, I haven't seen you in a while. How is everything going?"

Remy says "It's terrible. You know how I left my restaurant job to start my own brewpub? Well the health department just shut it down."

"Oh no, Remy, that's horrible."

"And on top of that, my wif...

What do you call a Nose that has a job as a Health Inspector?

A Scenter for Disease Control.

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

Did you know that birthdays are actually good for your health?

Studies have shown that a person who has more birthdays live the longest

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Astrology

A man goes to the doctor After a few tests he says  “Doc, I’m not feeling too good about my future health.”

The doctor says “Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all.”

The man replies  “What? I'm shocked that a doctor believes in that astrology stuff.”

“Oh, not that” answer...

What do you call a health conscious cannibal?

A humanitarian

Austria’s Prime minister...

... and his minister of health were sitting in a restaurant and laughing out loud. A guest comes by and asks: “Why are you laughing that hard?”
The PM replies: “We are planning the next lockdown!”
Guest: “And that’s so funny?”
PM: “Yes…”
Guest: “What are you planning to do?”
PM: “We w...

“I lost 5 pounds.” “That’s good for your health!”

The colombians disagree.

Germany announces a new health ministry to aid in combatting COV19

From today, all research dedicated to battling COV19 will be carried out under the Robert Cough foundation

Do you know about the World Health Organization?

Me : WHO?

The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town

I guess she was having a midwife crisis

It's good that it's called 'public health England' (PHE)

Because 'public health Uk' wouldn't work so well

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Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems

The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem! Every morning I get up at 5:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 6:30 I have to take a shit, but I ha...

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace panties.

"Since when do you wear womens pants?"

"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

Health secretary in a briefing to Trump: "Sir, in Chennai, India 36 Tamillians have been killed due to Corona Virus"

Trump is silent. His lips quiver. His hands shiver. His eyes wells up. He is unable to speak.

Health secretary is stunned. He never imagined that this event could affect him so badly.

After a few minutes, in a trembling voice, Trump asks "So, how many millions are there in *one tamilli...

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A fat man goes to a unique Health Centre that advertises weight loss and sex.

Intrigued by the ad, he goes in and asks the receptionist what this is all about.
She replies 'Well sir, it's exactly as we said, we have several formula and you can lose weight and have sex'
'Oh my' he says 'Let me try the first option then'
'Fair enough, that will be the door on your l...

If a health food salesman comes to your door ...

... Vitamin!

("Invite - him - in")

... never mind.

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We all have to be careful because people are facing mental health issues from being isolated for so long

In fact, I have been discussing with the microwave and toaster during coffee break and we all agreed that things are getting hot.

I spoke with the window this morning cos it was very open about it.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on every...

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

Who is the leader of international public health?

Yes.

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An old couple goes to their doctor

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with...

A health official walked into a local bakery for an inspection.

She was immediately appalled when she saw the owner smashing the dough against his bare chest before flattening it out on the table. Speechless, she grabbed her pen and notebook and started writing a citation. Seeing the disgust on her face, one of the customers walked up to the health official a...

(For people in health related occupations) Knock, Knock.

Who’s there?

HIPAA

HIPAA who?

I can’t tell you.

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.




The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
...

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

Donald trump said he cares more about the health and safety of the American public than he does about money.

Well *I* laughed when he said it.

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I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer.

“Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”

Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health

But I think fiber makes a solid number two.

Health Education

Appropriate analogy: “The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” = “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.

There are two critical factors in the spread of Coronavirus. 1. How dense is the population. 2. How dense is the population.
...

After it was determined that dogs could not transmit COVID-19 to humans, the world health organization deemed that all companion pets could be let out of quarantine

We really should have seen this coming, they told us WHO let the dogs out for years

The UK is officially changing its name in honor of mental health awareness.

The new name being "U.O.K.?"

During this lockdown, please think of the confidence level and mental health of your companies IT person.

They have gone more then three months without being able to look you in the eye without smirking, while first turning your computer off and then on again, before accessing the admin profile to delete then add the wireless printer again so you can print your emails.

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Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.”

Has tested positive for the virus!!!

Wanna hear a joke about free healthcare?

Oh, your American? Never mind , you wouldn’t get it.

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being.After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie.He asks ‟How can I ever repay you?”

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before; a...

What is the difference between an American health care worker running out of PPE, and a Russian healthcare worker running out of PPE?

At least the American doesn't need a parachute too!

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A Couple visit a doctor

A couple ask the doctor to test them while they make love.

Doc says, I cannot find anything wrong.

This happens a few more times.

The doctor asks why they keep asking him to test them as they are obviously in good sexual health.

Well, doc. We are both married, not to each...

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom?

Because the 'P' is silent.


I work in mental health and a patient told me this one the other day

In health a cop asked what to do if your brother was smoking weed while the parents left the house

I responded hide the snacks (he started cracking up)

I just finished installing a 5G mast for the local area when this crazy lady runs out of the house and starts throwing bizarre accusations of how 5G is hurting people's health and what monsters we telecoms guys are. What a screwball!

4G must've fried her brain.

I saw a poster today for a free concert for those working in public health. It said 'Frontline Only'.

Weird. I would've thought they'd fill the whole venue.

The health inspector shut down the restaurant on the corner of main street and second avenue...

A new owner rebuilt the kitchen area. The inspector was very impressed with the new kitchen. Stainless steel counters and shelves. Floors of white marble. More lighting install making a bright and clean looking work area. Tongs hanging everywhere, the food was not touched by human hands.

The ...

As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated.

After that, he was alright.

I know many people have been appalled by reopen protestors risking public health for questionable reasoning. But, just remember 2-3% of em’ will be dead in the next few months anyway....

....not from Coronavirus but from fireworks accidents and ATV rollovers

Little Jimmy is in first grade...

All his art work he has been bringing home from school is in black and brown. Fearing this may indicate a mental health problem, his parents take him to a psychologist for evaluation.

The psychologist says "First I would like to see a sample of your art work" and hands him a sheet of paper...

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What's the difference between a prostitute and the American health system?

Nothing. They both f*ck around with you and do absolutely nothing unless you pay them.

A friend told me that they read an article from a major health organization that Coronavirus is going to be worse than earlier reported.

“WHO said that?”

“Yes.”

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

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Hospital humour

A doctor was doing his rounds on the ward and came across a male patient masturbating. He said to the Nurse in charge, surely you shouldn’t be allowing this to happen on the ward, it’s most inappropriate. The nurse replied, he has HSC (high sperm count), he has to do this daily to bring the count do...

My health insurance company refused to pay my bill because I believe in reincarnation.

They said I had a pre existing condition.

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A man is touring a hospital to see how they operate

before potentially donating a large sum of money. The director giving him the tour is taking him around and showing him all of the different rooms. As they're walking, they run into a man who's masturbating. The director apologizes to both the masturbating man as well as the potential donor. Once th...

The World Health Organization has asked photographers to lower their exposure while out doing their jobs…

I guess ISOlation is the name of the game.

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Doctor, I have a sexual problem.

‟Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, ‟I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.

”Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.‟

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. ”Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett,‟ the medic s...

Thankful for all the health care workers during this pandemic

Without dem, it would be a panic.

- Did you hear the World Health Organization is calling the Coronavirus a pandemic?

- WHO?
- The World Health Organization
- Yes
- Yes, what?
- WHO Is the World Health Organization
- The people in charge of global disease and health issues
- Who
- The people out there trying to prevent outbreaks
- Who
- The doctors and scientists working on a solution!

A famous car designer...

A famous car designer was about to retire at the age of 64 due to health concerns. For all his life, he had strived for perfection in his craft of designing cars, specifically for Kia. In each of his 32 models, he was instrumental in some innovation or vastly improved function.

He called for ...

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My boss is really into health eating, but Friday is his cheat day...

...which is when he fucks his secretary.

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.

The doctor was shocked to see his health,
Asked--
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'

- 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '

Doctor - 'Okay, but can I ask you how ...

Evangelists don’t need health care.

They’re on the single prayer system.

How do you talk to a COVID denier

Without raising your voice so you do not disturb the other patients in the mental health ward.

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