As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

I just had an idea for an app that can connect people with tourettes and similar conditions, so they can have conversations together about their experiences, it's called:

Tic Talk

(I feel comfortable making this joke. I have a tic disorder)

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Harley Davidson for sale, mint condition, not a single scratch on it, used as my weekend bike. Very low mileage and I am very flexible on the price...

I originally bought this without consulting my wife.

Apparently “Do whatever the fuck you want” doesn’t mean what I thought it did.

A man lied about his medical condition.

When he went to the x-ray operator, he was told that nothing is wrong with him.

Later that day someone asked him,"how did you know?"

The operator replied,"I could see right through him."

I have an OCD sort of condition

Its called CDO

The doctor said I have dyslexia which is a Brain condition

Which makes no sense since my name is not Brian

Do you know what medical condition would you be in , if you had plastic horses in your ass?

STABLE

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I have suffered from an annoying medical condition for a long time.

During sex, when I am just about to come, I suffer from shortness of breath, running nose and I burst into tears. The symptoms turned gradually so bad I had to consult a doctor. Today he called - the lab results were finally ready. It turns out that I am apparently terribly allergic to capsaisin spr...

My grandmother used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition coz we might be in their position one day.

So I started to laugh at Jeff Bezos everyday.

I have two conditions in my will...

1) I want my remains spread around Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated

I developed a line of condition-specific get well cards for hypochondriacs with the theme " I had what you had..."

Only worse.

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Asda installed a medical kiosk, for £10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasu...

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Damn girl. Are you Apple’s terms and conditions?

Because I don’t give a fuck what you’ve got to say

The Democrats agreed to sign over $6 Billion for the construction of the border wall, on one condition... that Trump stay on the other side.

Trump agreed.



...but Mexicans refused.

What condition does a chameleon have that can’t change colors?

A-reptile dysfunction

The sergeants been making us do alot of conditioning recently

I think I’m actually starting to like it

A man gets three wishes from a genie on the condition that his wire gets twice as much as he wishes

Fist he wishes for a Lamborghini, he gets a Lamborghini and his wife gets two Lamborghinis

Then he wishes for a million dollars, his wife gets two million dollars

Then he says “beat me until I am half dead” and the genie proceeded to beat him so that he was half dead, and then the gen...

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Constipation can turn into a serious condition.

No shit.

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I've got this condition where I can't tell if I'm having an orgasm or urinating.

I'm not sure if I'm coming or going.

The doctor was asked about the condition of the quadratic equation that was trapped in the fire.

Doctor : Can't say much but he has some serious second degree.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a rare condition with my sight.

Umdiddlyumdiddlyumdiddly eye

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition"

the doctor told his patient.

"We're going to have to put you in an isolation unit where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."

"Will the pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" asked the patient.

"No," replied the doctor.

"They're the only things we can slip under th...

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

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How do you call the condition when a crocodile is unable to get an erect penis?

Ereptile dysfunction.

A bloke took a couple of stuffed Jack Russell terriers into an antique dealer for appraisal. "What would you expect them to fetch if they were in good condition?", the dealer asked him.

"I don't know... Sticks?"

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Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies, I will on 3 conditions: 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

A software developer claims to have written a condition that detects items larger than medium size.

Big if true.

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Remember, regular sex keeps the mind active and the memory in tip-top condition.

I wish everyone a happy 2016!

What is the one spiritual condition that can never be obtained by blind people?

Enlightenment

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A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

I'm balding and my girlfriend is going to leave me but she says I can stay under one condition.

I must remane.

Went to my doctor today for a check up and afterwards he told me my prostate was in peak physical condition....

I thought it was a strange thing for a dermatologist to say but hey good to know

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What do you call the condition of being sexually attracted to almonds?

Fucking nuts

I have a medical condition where I’m allergic to only one type of pasta

It’s called macaroni and sneeze

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A young girl with a heart condition is about to be deflowered

A young girl with a heart condition is about to be deflowered for the first-time. Fearing the increased cardiovascular strain of sex could kill her she tries to put it off.
"I'm not sure if I can do this" she tells her boyfriend
"It's fine" he reassures her "it can wait".

Months go by a...

A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.

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The First Lady was touring a hospital one day.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the First Lady. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a s...

What is the medical condition where your lizard can't stand up?

Ereptile dysfunction

As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own urine else I would die

Really lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.

If you've got a condition whereby you hate being watched...

You should probably get that looked at.

With the weather conditions being as awful as they are, I thought I´d visit my 90 year old neighbour and ask if she needed anything from the shops.

Turns out she did, so I gave her my list too, no point in both of us going out in this weather!!

The doctor said that I have a condition

Called the Freudian slip.

It's when I say one thing and do your mother.

A Saudi man wanted to divorce his wife... She had one condition

The papers to be submitted at the Embassy in Istanbul

Did you hear about the psychologist who's career was ruined by a medical condition?

She had a nut allergy

I just got a second hand apple computer and it’s in great condition...

You could say it’s iMaculate.

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep

It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia

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I have a condition where my boner spontaneously shouts insults at people

I suffer from an Erectile Diss Function.

I have a condition where I always leave off the last word in a-

It's usually okay, but it usually makes everything a cliff-

Selling French WW2 Rifle in great condition.

It has never been fired only dropped once.

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"Doctor, I've got this really weird condition that whenever somebody questions me that I violently shit my pants."

"REALLY?" asked the doctor, laughing.

I said, "Nice try, pal, but I'm not wearing any pants.."

What condition do you have if you’re peeing blood?

Simply put, urine trouble.

There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

I have a medical condition that means I can die if I have burnt bread..

I am black toast intolerant

Did you know there is a condition that causes ones hair to be soft and healthy

The condition is called "er," but most people call it conditioner

I bought a mint condition vintage HiFi system

My wife said it's a waste of money, but I think it's a sound investment.

My uncle was kicked by a horse the other day

He's in stable condition.

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The one with a rare medical condition

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed ...

my wife finally agreed to a threesome, on the condition that she picks the girl

i replied "nah, honey, i'm gonna pick both of them"

I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times

I think it's a gag reflex.

I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.

I should probably get that checked out.

I am a psyicician specializing in growth hormone deficiencies. I had planned to present an exhaustive list of the conditions and syndromes that I treat but I couldn't wait to post this...

I have little patients.

I asked a genie to give me soft and luscious hair.

He agreed, but on one condition.

Mr. Pott was an average man, with an extraordinary skin condition

One day Mr. Pott (legend says his first name was Arthur) went to the doctor to get his skin checked out. He said "Doctor, I have a very odd skin condition. Multiple times a day, my skin will puff up and get all red almost instantly, with no warning."

The doctor thought this was very odd, and ...

I have a condition; Whenever I look at books of any kind...

I want to touch my shelf...

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I went to the doctor about my negativity and he diagnosed me with Optical Rectalitis, a condition that affects the nerve between my asshole and eyeballs...

It gives me a shitty outlook on life.

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The doctor told me that my friend is in stable condition.

The room is filthy and there's horseshit everywhere.

caution: high altitudes under certain conditions can cause a bloody nose

Like on Mt. Shasta I heard a guy saying, "I just wanted to show people that it's possible to do things like hiking and Crossfit on a vegan diet, and besides I needed something to do after I retired at 30 on my Bitcoin investments" so I punched him in the nose.

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[NSFW] A woman sits down on a plane for a long flight

Sitting in the window seat next to her is a middle aged man. Some time after the plane takes off the man lets out a small "Achoo!". Immediately he unzips his pants, pulls his dick out, wipes it off.

Aghast, the woman is so stunned that before she can speak he's zipped back up, staring out th...

The sign on the music shop read "Get Your Free Guitar Now! No Terms and Conditions applied".

Bob quickly got hold of one of them and unpacked the package. He was surprised to see that the guitar lacked strings.

I guess you could say:
"There were no strings attached."

How did the extreme campers describe their living conditions?

Intents!

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

Don't make fun of Kim Jong Un just because of his condition.

It's not his fault he suffers from projectile dysfunction.

So this new little person turned up at my company today with his medical form explaining his condition.

He’d joined with a short notice

I have a french gun for sale from WW1. In excellent condition.

Never been used and only dropped once.

A North Korean defector arrives at a South Korean hospital in critical condition...

Doctor: "What's this man's name?"

Nurse: "Uh...Oh."

Doctor: "What's wrong?"

Nurse: "Nothing. You asked for his name. He is Oh."

Doctor: "I need his name, not his blood type."

Nurse: "His name is Oh."

Doctor: "Positive?"

Nurse: "Are you doing this on p...

A man is in critical condition after swallowing $250000 in large bills

No change is expected.

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A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..

She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from sex.

The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in inte...

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Wife is in hospital with unknown condition

So she asks her husband to go to her doctor and find out how bad is it.

'Well, her condition is very strange. Basically, you'll have to have sex with her at least once a day or she will die' doctor sais.

Husband nods and goes back to his wife.

'Honey, what did the doctor sa...

Arguing with your Lady is like reading "Terms and Conditions of Use"

In the end You just give up understanding, and say: "I Agree"

My father told me that I should condition more and shampoo less

I told him to stop getting in the shower with me

At my university the only way to have a mini-fridge in my room is to have a medical condition...

Apparently being an alcoholic doesn't qualify...

My family is always irritated by my bad memory. "Where's the keys?" I forgot it. To all guys and gals who have a similar condition and know what I'm feeling right now, I present this joke that makes irritation fade away and smiles appear...

I forgot it.

A fat redneck went to a doctor to check on his heart condition.

The doctor advised him to stop eating meat with high fat contents, while low fat meat are still OK to eat. The redneck was confused which are which, so the doctor gave simple explanation; "You may only eat animal which swims in the water, like fishes for example."

A week later, the doctor wen...

What medical condition are elderly bats most afraid of?

Incontinence.

Periodic abstinence as contraception can be successful, provided one meets three very strict conditions:

1. The woman must have a very regular menstrual cycle.
2. You must be able to count well.
3. And you must really love children.

Loosely translated from Herman Finkers. My favorite dutch comedian.

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Jihadis on strike for better dying conditions

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike onWednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced th...

one man six horses.

a man was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him. The doctor described his condition as stable.

My doctor told me, "I'd like to prescribe a topical ointment to take care of that skin condition."

"Hold on, now, doc," I said. "Let's not make any rash decisions."

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Due to an extremely rare condition, little Johnny is born with nothing but a head...

No arms, legs or body, just a head. His parents love him anyway and do everything they can to make sure he has the most "normal" childhood possible. They shower him with affection and gifts, and try to make him feel like a normal boy.

The years pass by, and one day the family doctor calls. Th...

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"Doctor, I've got this very strange condition...

...I fart all the time, but they don't smell and are completely silent. You probably didn't notice, but I've farted six times since you entered the room."

The doctor nods and writes a script. "Take these and come back in a week."

A week later the old lady comes back to the doctor "You ...

Why did nVidia built the first self-driving car? (on all conditions)

Because their drivers keep crashing.

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A man with one testicle finally goes to the doctor

He's ashamed of telling the doctor(male) about his condition directly so he whispers in the doctor's ear, "the sum of mine and your testicles is 3".
The doctor looks at the man astonished and asks "You don't have any?".

The husband had a really bad condition of multiple personality disorder...

"Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawnmower."

"That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"

"Because the neighbor just returned him this morning."

Why don't neckbeards hit on people with heart conditions?

Because people with heart conditions take beta-blockers.

So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!"...

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A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. 

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” 

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You mus...

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes....

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a pornstar entering a barber shop, sitting next to a nun

the nun is currently getting her hair done.. meanwhile the pornstar is talking dirty shit about how he would like to have sex with the nun

the nun tries to ignore those words, when her hair is finished, she says she cant do such unspeakable things as a nun, an leaves

the barber then te...

I'm selling my parachute. Mint condition.

Never opened, only used once

Diarrhoea is a hereditary condition...

... it runs in your jeans.

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