I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition because we may be in their position one day.

So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.

I'm balding and my girlfriend is going to leave me but she says I can stay under one condition.

I must remane.

The Democrats agreed to sign over $6 Billion for the construction of the border wall, on one condition... that Trump stay on the other side.

Trump agreed.

​

...but Mexicans refused.

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition"

the doctor told his patient.

"We're going to have to put you in an isolation unit where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."

"Will the pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" asked the patient.

"No," replied the doctor.

"They're the only things we can slip under th...

What is the one spiritual condition that can never be obtained by blind people?

Enlightenment

I have a medical condition where I’m allergic to only one type of pasta

It’s called macaroni and sneeze

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Remember, regular sex keeps the mind active and the memory in tip-top condition.

I wish everyone a happy 2016!

With the weather conditions being as awful as they are, I thought I´d visit my 90 year old neighbour and ask if she needed anything from the shops.

Turns out she did, so I gave her my list too, no point in both of us going out in this weather!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call the condition of being sexually attracted to almonds?

Fucking nuts

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

If you've got a condition whereby you hate being watched...

You should probably get that looked at.

The doctor said that I have a condition

Called the Freudian slip.

It's when I say one thing and do your mother.

Went to my doctor today for a check up and afterwards he told me my prostate was in peak physical condition....

I thought it was a strange thing for a dermatologist to say but hey good to know

I have two conditions in my will...

1) I want my remains spread around Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies, I will on 3 conditions: 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have a condition where my boner spontaneously shouts insults at people

I suffer from an Erectile Diss Function.

I just got a second hand apple computer and it’s in great condition...

You could say it’s iMaculate.

A Saudi man wanted to divorce his wife... She had one condition

The papers to be submitted at the Embassy in Istanbul

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Doctor, I've got this really weird condition that whenever somebody questions me that I violently shit my pants."

"REALLY?" asked the doctor, laughing.

I said, "Nice try, pal, but I'm not wearing any pants.."

A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.

What condition do redditors want?

Dementia, so they can’t remember the reposts!

I have a medical condition that means I can die if I have burnt bread..

I am black toast intolerant

What condition do you have if you’re peeing blood?

Simply put, urine trouble.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young girl with a heart condition is about to be deflowered

A young girl with a heart condition is about to be deflowered for the first-time. Fearing the increased cardiovascular strain of sex could kill her she tries to put it off.
"I'm not sure if I can do this" she tells her boyfriend
"It's fine" he reassures her "it can wait".

Months go by a...

I have a condition where I always leave off the last word in a-

It's usually okay, but it usually makes everything a cliff-

As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own urine else I would die

Really lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.

Selling French WW2 Rifle in great condition.

It has never been fired only dropped once.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight.

Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The First Lady was touring a hospital one day.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the First Lady. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a s...

I asked a genie to give me soft and luscious hair.

He agreed, but on one condition.

Did you know there is a condition that causes ones hair to be soft and healthy

The condition is called "er," but most people call it conditioner

There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

I bought a mint condition vintage HiFi system

My wife said it's a waste of money, but I think it's a sound investment.

My uncle was kicked by a horse the other day

He's in stable condition.

I am a psyicician specializing in growth hormone deficiencies. I had planned to present an exhaustive list of the conditions and syndromes that I treat but I couldn't wait to post this...

I have little patients.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The doctor told me that my friend is in stable condition.

The room is filthy and there's horseshit everywhere.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Damn girl, are you the Terms and Conditions?

'Cause nobody gives a fuck what you sayin'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to the doctor about my negativity and he diagnosed me with Optical Rectalitis, a condition that affects the nerve between my asshole and eyeballs...

It gives me a shitty outlook on life.

I have a condition; Whenever I look at books of any kind...

I want to touch my shelf...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The one with a rare medical condition

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed ...

A man is in critical condition after swallowing $250000 in large bills

No change is expected.

The sign on the music shop read "Get Your Free Guitar Now! No Terms and Conditions applied".

Joe quickly got hold of one of them and unpacked the package. He was surprised to see that the guitar lacked strings.

I guess you could say:
"There were no strings attached."

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep

It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia

I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times

I think it's a gag reflex.

A researcher is doing a study about psychology under certain physical conditions...

He had his subjects lay on a table, then tilted the table making either their feet or their head higher. He then asks a series of yes or no propositions and records their responses.

“It seems to me that with feet tilted up, questioners respond more negatively to the questionnaire, but the o...

I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.

I should probably get that checked out.

caution: high altitudes under certain conditions can cause a bloody nose

Like on Mt. Shasta I heard a guy saying, "I just wanted to show people that it's possible to do things like hiking and Crossfit on a vegan diet, and besides I needed something to do after I retired at 30 on my Bitcoin investments" so I punched him in the nose.

How did the Christian support group warn Chris Tucker about the hazardous weather conditions as he drove to the 'Die Hard' costume party?

'Slippy Highway, Brother Tucker'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.

He'd only have sex with the lights off.

The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it fe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My parents treat me like Terms & Conditions

They don't give a fuck what I have to say

How did the extreme campers describe their living conditions?

Intents!

my wife finally agreed to a threesome, on the condition that she picks the girl

i replied "nah, honey, i'm gonna pick both of them"

Mr. Pott was an average man, with an extraordinary skin condition

One day Mr. Pott (legend says his first name was Arthur) went to the doctor to get his skin checked out. He said "Doctor, I have a very odd skin condition. Multiple times a day, my skin will puff up and get all red almost instantly, with no warning."

The doctor thought this was very odd, and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A woman sits down on a plane for a long flight

Sitting in the window seat next to her is a middle aged man. Some time after the plane takes off the man lets out a small "Achoo!". Immediately he unzips his pants, pulls his dick out, wipes it off.

Aghast, the woman is so stunned that before she can speak he's zipped back up, staring out th...

A North Korean defector arrives at a South Korean hospital in critical condition...

Doctor: "What's this man's name?"

Nurse: "Uh...Oh."

Doctor: "What's wrong?"

Nurse: "Nothing. You asked for his name. He is Oh."

Doctor: "I need his name, not his blood type."

Nurse: "His name is Oh."

Doctor: "Positive?"

Nurse: "Are you doing this on p...

Don't make fun of Kim Jong Un just because of his condition.

It's not his fault he suffers from projectile dysfunction.

I have a french gun for sale from WW1. In excellent condition.

Never been used and only dropped once.

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

At my university the only way to have a mini-fridge in my room is to have a medical condition...

Apparently being an alcoholic doesn't qualify...

Arguing with your Lady is like reading "Terms and Conditions of Use"

In the end You just give up understanding, and say: "I Agree"

Periodic abstinence as contraception can be successful, provided one meets three very strict conditions:

1. The woman must have a very regular menstrual cycle.
2. You must be able to count well.
3. And you must really love children.

Loosely translated from Herman Finkers. My favorite dutch comedian.

So this new little person turned up at my company today with his medical form explaining his condition.

He’d joined with a short notice

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..

She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from sex.

The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in inte...

My family is always irritated by my bad memory. "Where's the keys?" I forgot it. To all guys and gals who have a similar condition and know what I'm feeling right now, I present this joke that makes irritation fade away and smiles appear...

I forgot it.

What medical condition are elderly bats most afraid of?

Incontinence.

Jihadis on strike for better dying conditions

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike onWednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced th...

My father told me that I should condition more and shampoo less

I told him to stop getting in the shower with me

A fat redneck went to a doctor to check on his heart condition.

The doctor advised him to stop eating meat with high fat contents, while low fat meat are still OK to eat. The redneck was confused which are which, so the doctor gave simple explanation; "You may only eat animal which swims in the water, like fishes for example."

A week later, the doctor wen...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Doctor, I've got this very strange condition...

...I fart all the time, but they don't smell and are completely silent. You probably didn't notice, but I've farted six times since you entered the room."

The doctor nods and writes a script. "Take these and come back in a week."

A week later the old lady comes back to the doctor "You ...

"I'd like to prescribe you a topical ointment for that skin condition," my doctor said.

"Woah, woah, woah, doc," I replied. "Let's not make any rash decisions."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife is in hospital with unknown condition

So she asks her husband to go to her doctor and find out how bad is it.

'Well, her condition is very strange. Basically, you'll have to have sex with her at least once a day or she will die' doctor sais.

Husband nods and goes back to his wife.

'Honey, what did the doctor sa...

Why did nVidia built the first self-driving car? (on all conditions)

Because their drivers keep crashing.

I heard George Bush Senior is in the hospital in critical condition...

I guess some people really would rather die than watch Trump be sworn in this Friday.

A blonde recieve a phone call at work, after which she breaks down, crying in her office.

Upon noticing her condition, her boss come in to find out what had happened.
"What is the matter, why are you so sad about?", the concerned boss asks the crying woman.
"I just heard that my mother has passed away", the blonde manage to stutter between sobs.
"Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry ...

The husband had a really bad condition of multiple personality disorder...

"Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawnmower."

"That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"

"Because the neighbor just returned him this morning."

Diarrhoea is a hereditary condition...

... it runs in your jeans.

Why don't neckbeards hit on people with heart conditions?

Because people with heart conditions take beta-blockers.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Due to an extremely rare condition, little Johnny is born with nothing but a head...

No arms, legs or body, just a head. His parents love him anyway and do everything they can to make sure he has the most "normal" childhood possible. They shower him with affection and gifts, and try to make him feel like a normal boy.

The years pass by, and one day the family doctor calls. Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hey girl, I'm no doctor but I can diagnose your condition...

You have acute butt

I suffer from a mental condition where I am unconciously forced to ask for food in the wrong sequence, and sometimes I just plain ask for things that aren't on the menu, anyway...

It's a this order disorder disorder disorder.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with one testicle finally goes to the doctor

He's ashamed of telling the doctor(male) about his condition directly so he whispers in the doctor's ear, "the sum of mine and your testicles is 3".
The doctor looks at the man astonished and asks "You don't have any?".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

WW2: an Italian officer, an imperial Japanese officer and a German officer got captured

They all sit in a cell and wait to be interrogated by the Allies.
The German says: "My superior genetics will let me withstand every torture! I won't tell them anything!"
The Japanese says: "I will never dishonor my country and tell them our secrets!"
The Italian says: "I guess I'm fucked."...

So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!"...

I'm selling my parachute. Mint condition.

Never opened, only used once

one man six horses.

a man was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him. The doctor described his condition as stable.

A doctor tells his patient that unfortunately, his condition is terminal...

"Well, how long have I got doc?" asks the man.
"Ten", replies the doctor.
"Ten what?" Asks the patient, "Ten years? Ten Months? Tell me it's not ten weeks!"
"Nine..." Replies the doctor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two pot dealers are granted probation under the condition that they save as many people from smoking pot as possible within one week by utilizing only a pen and a piece of paper...

After one week they are standing in front of the judge again and are asked for their results.

The first stands up and says that he has saved 100 people from their habit by drawing a big circle and a small circle on the paper.

“How could that affect someone that much that he quits smoki...

Please Help! I've got a medical condition where I can't discern between the letter "b" and the letters "th".

Oops, wrong bread.

dwights farm as suffered a massive blight, almost bankrupt he was signed for a massive record deal on the condition he give up farming

turns out all he had to do was drop those sick beets

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them.

But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Terms & Conditions

The zoo acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo vet found the female gorilla was on heat and there was no male of the species.

The zoo management discovered that one of their staff ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...