I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition because we may be in their position one day.

So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.

The Democrats agreed to sign over $6 Billion for the construction of the border wall, on one condition... that Trump stay on the other side.

Trump agreed.

​

...but Mexicans refused.

What is the one spiritual condition that can never be obtained by blind people?

Enlightenment

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition"

the doctor told his patient.

"We're going to have to put you in an isolation unit where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."

"Will the pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" asked the patient.

"No," replied the doctor.

"They're the only things we can slip under th...

With the weather conditions being as awful as they are, I thought I´d visit my 90 year old neighbour and ask if she needed anything from the shops.

Turns out she did, so I gave her my list too, no point in both of us going out in this weather!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call the condition of being sexually attracted to almonds?

Fucking nuts

I'm not drunk! It's a medical condition

I'm gravity intolerant.

If you've got a condition whereby you hate being watched...

You should probably get that looked at.

The doctor said that I have a condition

Called the Freudian slip.

It's when I say one thing and do your mother.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young girl with a heart condition is about to be deflowered

A young girl with a heart condition is about to be deflowered for the first-time. Fearing the increased cardiovascular strain of sex could kill her she tries to put it off.
"I'm not sure if I can do this" she tells her boyfriend
"It's fine" he reassures her "it can wait".

Months go by a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

I just got a second hand apple computer and it’s in great condition...

You could say it’s iMaculate.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Remember, regular sex keeps the mind active and the memory in tip-top condition.

I wish everyone a happy 2016!

I have two conditions in my will...

1) I want my remains spread around Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Doctor, I've got this really weird condition that whenever somebody questions me that I violently shit my pants."

"REALLY?" asked the doctor, laughing.

I said, "Nice try, pal, but I'm not wearing any pants.."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have a condition where my boner spontaneously shouts insults at people

I suffer from an Erectile Diss Function.

A Saudi man wanted to divorce his wife... She had one condition

The papers to be submitted at the Embassy in Istanbul

A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.

I have a medical condition that means I can die if I have burnt bread..

I am black toast intolerant

I bought a mint condition vintage HiFi system

My wife said it's a waste of money, but I think it's a sound investment.

What condition do you have if you’re peeing blood?

Simply put, urine trouble.

I have a condition where I always leave off the last word in a-

It's usually okay, but it usually makes everything a cliff-

Selling French WW2 Rifle in great condition.

It has never been fired only dropped once.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies, I will on 3 conditions: 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own urine else I would die

Really lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight.

Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The First Lady was touring a hospital one day.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the First Lady. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a s...

Did you know there is a condition that causes ones hair to be soft and healthy

The condition is called "er," but most people call it conditioner

There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

My uncle was kicked by a horse the other day

He's in stable condition.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Weather conditions!

My wife was sleeping peacefully. I got up, put on my pants, dressed quietly, made my lunch, slipped quietly into the garage, hooked the boat to my pickup and backed out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 80 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turn...

I am a psyicician specializing in growth hormone deficiencies. I had planned to present an exhaustive list of the conditions and syndromes that I treat but I couldn't wait to post this...

I have little patients.

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep

It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia

I asked a genie to give me soft and luscious hair.

He agreed, but on one condition.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The doctor told me that my friend is in stable condition.

The room is filthy and there's horseshit everywhere.

I have a condition; Whenever I look at books of any kind...

I want to touch my shelf...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Damn girl, are you the Terms and Conditions?

'Cause nobody gives a fuck what you sayin'

As a child, I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive.

I was lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

A man is in critical condition after swallowing $250000 in large bills

No change is expected.

The sign on the music shop read "Get Your Free Guitar Now! No Terms and Conditions applied".

Bob quickly got hold of one of them and unpacked the package. He was surprised to see that the guitar lacked strings.

I guess you could say:
"There were no strings attached."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The one with a rare medical condition

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed ...

How did the Christian support group warn Chris Tucker about the hazardous weather conditions as he drove to the 'Die Hard' costume party?

'Slippy Highway, Brother Tucker'

caution: high altitudes under certain conditions can cause a bloody nose

Like on Mt. Shasta I heard a guy saying, "I just wanted to show people that it's possible to do things like hiking and Crossfit on a vegan diet, and besides I needed something to do after I retired at 30 on my Bitcoin investments" so I punched him in the nose.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to the doctor about my negativity and he diagnosed me with Optical Rectalitis, a condition that affects the nerve between my asshole and eyeballs...

It gives me a shitty outlook on life.

I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.

I should probably get that checked out.

I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times

I think it's a gag reflex.

How did the extreme campers describe their living conditions?

Intents!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My parents treat me like Terms & Conditions

They don't give a fuck what I have to say

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.

He'd only have sex with the lights off.

The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it fe...

Mr. Pott was an average man, with an extraordinary skin condition

One day Mr. Pott (legend says his first name was Arthur) went to the doctor to get his skin checked out. He said "Doctor, I have a very odd skin condition. Multiple times a day, my skin will puff up and get all red almost instantly, with no warning."

The doctor thought this was very odd, and ...

my wife finally agreed to a threesome, on the condition that she picks the girl

i replied "nah, honey, i'm gonna pick both of them"

So this new little person turned up at my company today with his medical form explaining his condition.

He’d joined with a short notice

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A woman sits down on a plane for a long flight

Sitting in the window seat next to her is a middle aged man. Some time after the plane takes off the man lets out a small "Achoo!". Immediately he unzips his pants, pulls his dick out, wipes it off.

Aghast, the woman is so stunned that before she can speak he's zipped back up, staring out th...

Don't make fun of Kim Jong Un just because of his condition.

It's not his fault he suffers from projectile dysfunction.

I have a french gun for sale from WW1. In excellent condition.

Never been used and only dropped once.

Periodic abstinence as contraception can be successful, provided one meets three very strict conditions:

1. The woman must have a very regular menstrual cycle.
2. You must be able to count well.
3. And you must really love children.

Loosely translated from Herman Finkers. My favorite dutch comedian.

My doctor told me, "I'd like to prescribe a topical ointment to take care of that skin condition."

"Hold on, now, doc," I said. "Let's not make any rash decisions."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is the key next to the space bar on Trump's keyboard always in pristine condition?

Because no matter the circumstances, he'll never put pressure on the alt-right

My family is always irritated by my bad memory. "Where's the keys?" I forgot it. To all guys and gals who have a similar condition and know what I'm feeling right now, I present this joke that makes irritation fade away and smiles appear...

I forgot it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife is in hospital with unknown condition

So she asks her husband to go to her doctor and find out how bad is it.

'Well, her condition is very strange. Basically, you'll have to have sex with her at least once a day or she will die' doctor sais.

Husband nods and goes back to his wife.

'Honey, what did the doctor sa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..

She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from sex.

The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in inte...

What medical condition are elderly bats most afraid of?

Incontinence.

Arguing with your Lady is like reading "Terms and Conditions of Use"

In the end You just give up understanding, and say: "I Agree"

Jihadis on strike for better dying conditions

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike onWednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Doctor, I've got this very strange condition...

...I fart all the time, but they don't smell and are completely silent. You probably didn't notice, but I've farted six times since you entered the room."

The doctor nods and writes a script. "Take these and come back in a week."

A week later the old lady comes back to the doctor "You ...

A fat redneck went to a doctor to check on his heart condition.

The doctor advised him to stop eating meat with high fat contents, while low fat meat are still OK to eat. The redneck was confused which are which, so the doctor gave simple explanation; "You may only eat animal which swims in the water, like fishes for example."

A week later, the doctor wen...

Why did nVidia built the first self-driving car? (on all conditions)

Because their drivers keep crashing.

Diarrhoea is a hereditary condition...

... it runs in your jeans.

The husband had a really bad condition of multiple personality disorder...

"Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawnmower."

"That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"

"Because the neighbor just returned him this morning."

Why don't neckbeards hit on people with heart conditions?

Because people with heart conditions take beta-blockers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hey girl, I'm no doctor but I can diagnose your condition...

You have acute butt

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Due to an extremely rare condition, little Johnny is born with nothing but a head...

No arms, legs or body, just a head. His parents love him anyway and do everything they can to make sure he has the most "normal" childhood possible. They shower him with affection and gifts, and try to make him feel like a normal boy.

The years pass by, and one day the family doctor calls. Th...

My father told me that I should condition more and shampoo less

I told him to stop getting in the shower with me

I suffer from a mental condition where I am unconciously forced to ask for food in the wrong sequence, and sometimes I just plain ask for things that aren't on the menu, anyway...

It's a this order disorder disorder disorder.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with one testicle finally goes to the doctor

He's ashamed of telling the doctor(male) about his condition directly so he whispers in the doctor's ear, "the sum of mine and your testicles is 3".
The doctor looks at the man astonished and asks "You don't have any?".

So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!"...

I'm selling my parachute. Mint condition.

Never opened, only used once

one man six horses.

a man was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him. The doctor described his condition as stable.

A doctor tells his patient that unfortunately, his condition is terminal...

"Well, how long have I got doc?" asks the man.
"Ten", replies the doctor.
"Ten what?" Asks the patient, "Ten years? Ten Months? Tell me it's not ten weeks!"
"Nine..." Replies the doctor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,

all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was tha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.

He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for ...

Please Help! I've got a medical condition where I can't discern between the letter "b" and the letters "th".

Oops, wrong bread.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Erectile dysfunction is a serious condition.

It ain't nothing to fuck with.

dwights farm as suffered a massive blight, almost bankrupt he was signed for a massive record deal on the condition he give up farming

turns out all he had to do was drop those sick beets

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Terms & Conditions

The zoo acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo vet found the female gorilla was on heat and there was no male of the species.

The zoo management discovered that one of their staff ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details...

An Indian scientist was collaborating with an American called Robert

Both of them being genetic researchers, they had reached a breakthrough in rice where a gene introduced would help it grow in the most adverse of conditions. They called it Victory gene, or V gene for short.

But Robert decided to steal the credit for himself, so he stole the v gene, and escap...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a husband and wife decided...

They won't use the word "sex" in front of their child anymore, instead they would use "type/typing" to denote that.

So, one day the husband was feeling some need so told his kid to ask her mother if she could type a letter for her. The kid asked his mother. She told him to tell his father th...

Breaking News: Government shutdown ends as Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition that he gets to install windows.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Queen was touring a hospital

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if ...

How does Pavlov keep his hair so soft?

He conditions it.

A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.

His condition is now stable.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Conditions

A man was sitting in a pub when all of a sudden the most beautiful woman ever walked up to the bar and sat down next to him. The man immediately asked her what the conditions would be to make her his wife. 'Three things' she said 'First you would need a huge house with a swimming pool, second an exp...

So I hear Lil Wayne is in critical condition. I think it has to do with his lungs...

He's always been a lil weezy.

Is there a condition called "melanism" ...

...in white people, the opposite of albinoism in black folks?

Because, if not, she's got some explaining to do.

I’m proud of this joke, please don’t judge my work too harshly.

There once was a man named Ish. He was a curious guy, always trying to find out new things. He decided to take a trip all around Europe.

He went to France, Germany, Belgium, Portugal, and eventually ended up smack dab in the middle of Spain. He, being the curious guy that he was, immediately...