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Constipation can turn into a serious condition.

No shit.

A man gets three wishes from a genie on the condition that his wire gets twice as much as he wishes

Fist he wishes for a Lamborghini, he gets a Lamborghini and his wife gets two Lamborghinis

Then he wishes for a million dollars, his wife gets two million dollars

Then he says “beat me until I am half dead” and the genie proceeded to beat him so that he was half dead, and then the gen...

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

The doctor was asked about the condition of the quadratic equation that was trapped in the fire.

Doctor : Can't say much but he has some serious second degree.

My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition because we may be in their position one day.

So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.

The Democrats agreed to sign over $6 Billion for the construction of the border wall, on one condition... that Trump stay on the other side.

Trump agreed.

​

...but Mexicans refused.

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How do you call the condition when a crocodile is unable to get an erect penis?

Ereptile dysfunction.

I have two conditions in my will...

1) I want my remains spread around Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated

What is the medical condition where your lizard can't stand up?

Ereptile dysfunction

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition"

the doctor told his patient.

"We're going to have to put you in an isolation unit where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."

"Will the pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" asked the patient.

"No," replied the doctor.

"They're the only things we can slip under th...

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I've got this condition where I can't tell if I'm having an orgasm or urinating.

I'm not sure if I'm coming or going.

What is the one spiritual condition that can never be obtained by blind people?

Enlightenment

I'm balding and my girlfriend is going to leave me but she says I can stay under one condition.

I must remane.

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Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies, I will on 3 conditions: 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a rare condition with my sight.

Umdiddlyumdiddlyumdiddly eye

A bloke took a couple of stuffed Jack Russell terriers into an antique dealer for appraisal. "What would you expect them to fetch if they were in good condition?", the dealer asked him.

"I don't know... Sticks?"

I have a medical condition where I’m allergic to only one type of pasta

It’s called macaroni and sneeze

With the weather conditions being as awful as they are, I thought I´d visit my 90 year old neighbour and ask if she needed anything from the shops.

Turns out she did, so I gave her my list too, no point in both of us going out in this weather!!

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A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

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What do you call the condition of being sexually attracted to almonds?

Fucking nuts

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A young girl with a heart condition is about to be deflowered

A young girl with a heart condition is about to be deflowered for the first-time. Fearing the increased cardiovascular strain of sex could kill her she tries to put it off.
"I'm not sure if I can do this" she tells her boyfriend
"It's fine" he reassures her "it can wait".

Months go by a...

If you've got a condition whereby you hate being watched...

You should probably get that looked at.

The doctor said that I have a condition

Called the Freudian slip.

It's when I say one thing and do your mother.

Went to my doctor today for a check up and afterwards he told me my prostate was in peak physical condition....

I thought it was a strange thing for a dermatologist to say but hey good to know

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The First Lady was touring a hospital one day.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the First Lady. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a s...

A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.

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Remember, regular sex keeps the mind active and the memory in tip-top condition.

I wish everyone a happy 2016!

Did you hear about the psychologist who's career was ruined by a medical condition?

She had a nut allergy

A Saudi man wanted to divorce his wife... She had one condition

The papers to be submitted at the Embassy in Istanbul

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"Doctor, I've got this really weird condition that whenever somebody questions me that I violently shit my pants."

"REALLY?" asked the doctor, laughing.

I said, "Nice try, pal, but I'm not wearing any pants.."

As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own urine else I would die

Really lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.

I have a condition where I always leave off the last word in a-

It's usually okay, but it usually makes everything a cliff-

What condition do you have if you’re peeing blood?

Simply put, urine trouble.

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I have a condition where my boner spontaneously shouts insults at people

I suffer from an Erectile Diss Function.

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep

It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia

I just got a second hand apple computer and it’s in great condition...

You could say it’s iMaculate.

Selling French WW2 Rifle in great condition.

It has never been fired only dropped once.

Did you know there is a condition that causes ones hair to be soft and healthy

The condition is called "er," but most people call it conditioner

There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

My uncle was kicked by a horse the other day

He's in stable condition.

I asked a genie to give me soft and luscious hair.

He agreed, but on one condition.

I have a medical condition that means I can die if I have burnt bread..

I am black toast intolerant

I am a psyicician specializing in growth hormone deficiencies. I had planned to present an exhaustive list of the conditions and syndromes that I treat but I couldn't wait to post this...

I have little patients.

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Damn girl, are you the Terms and Conditions?

'Cause nobody gives a fuck what you sayin'

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The one with a rare medical condition

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed ...

I bought a mint condition vintage HiFi system

My wife said it's a waste of money, but I think it's a sound investment.

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I went to the doctor about my negativity and he diagnosed me with Optical Rectalitis, a condition that affects the nerve between my asshole and eyeballs...

It gives me a shitty outlook on life.

I have a condition; Whenever I look at books of any kind...

I want to touch my shelf...

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A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.

He'd only have sex with the lights off.

The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it fe...

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The doctor told me that my friend is in stable condition.

The room is filthy and there's horseshit everywhere.

I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times

I think it's a gag reflex.

I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.

I should probably get that checked out.

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My parents treat me like Terms & Conditions

They don't give a fuck what I have to say

caution: high altitudes under certain conditions can cause a bloody nose

Like on Mt. Shasta I heard a guy saying, "I just wanted to show people that it's possible to do things like hiking and Crossfit on a vegan diet, and besides I needed something to do after I retired at 30 on my Bitcoin investments" so I punched him in the nose.

my wife finally agreed to a threesome, on the condition that she picks the girl

i replied "nah, honey, i'm gonna pick both of them"

A man is in critical condition after swallowing $250000 in large bills

No change is expected.

Mr. Pott was an average man, with an extraordinary skin condition

One day Mr. Pott (legend says his first name was Arthur) went to the doctor to get his skin checked out. He said "Doctor, I have a very odd skin condition. Multiple times a day, my skin will puff up and get all red almost instantly, with no warning."

The doctor thought this was very odd, and ...

A researcher is doing a study about psychology under certain physical conditions...

He had his subjects lay on a table, then tilted the table making either their feet or their head higher. He then asks a series of yes or no propositions and records their responses.

“It seems to me that with feet tilted up, questioners respond more negatively to the questionnaire, but the o...

The sign on the music shop read "Get Your Free Guitar Now! No Terms and Conditions applied".

Bob quickly got hold of one of them and unpacked the package. He was surprised to see that the guitar lacked strings.

I guess you could say:
"There were no strings attached."

How did the Christian support group warn Chris Tucker about the hazardous weather conditions as he drove to the 'Die Hard' costume party?

'Slippy Highway, Brother Tucker'

How did the extreme campers describe their living conditions?

Intents!

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[NSFW] A woman sits down on a plane for a long flight

Sitting in the window seat next to her is a middle aged man. Some time after the plane takes off the man lets out a small "Achoo!". Immediately he unzips his pants, pulls his dick out, wipes it off.

Aghast, the woman is so stunned that before she can speak he's zipped back up, staring out th...

So this new little person turned up at my company today with his medical form explaining his condition.

He’d joined with a short notice

As a child, I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive.

I was lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

Don't make fun of Kim Jong Un just because of his condition.

It's not his fault he suffers from projectile dysfunction.

I have a french gun for sale from WW1. In excellent condition.

Never been used and only dropped once.

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A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..

She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from sex.

The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in inte...

Arguing with your Lady is like reading "Terms and Conditions of Use"

In the end You just give up understanding, and say: "I Agree"

At my university the only way to have a mini-fridge in my room is to have a medical condition...

Apparently being an alcoholic doesn't qualify...

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Wife is in hospital with unknown condition

So she asks her husband to go to her doctor and find out how bad is it.

'Well, her condition is very strange. Basically, you'll have to have sex with her at least once a day or she will die' doctor sais.

Husband nods and goes back to his wife.

'Honey, what did the doctor sa...

Periodic abstinence as contraception can be successful, provided one meets three very strict conditions:

1. The woman must have a very regular menstrual cycle.
2. You must be able to count well.
3. And you must really love children.

Loosely translated from Herman Finkers. My favorite dutch comedian.

My doctor told me, "I'd like to prescribe a topical ointment to take care of that skin condition."

"Hold on, now, doc," I said. "Let's not make any rash decisions."

My father told me that I should condition more and shampoo less

I told him to stop getting in the shower with me

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

What medical condition are elderly bats most afraid of?

Incontinence.

Jihadis on strike for better dying conditions

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike onWednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced th...

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicle...

A fat redneck went to a doctor to check on his heart condition.

The doctor advised him to stop eating meat with high fat contents, while low fat meat are still OK to eat. The redneck was confused which are which, so the doctor gave simple explanation; "You may only eat animal which swims in the water, like fishes for example."

A week later, the doctor wen...

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"Doctor, I've got this very strange condition...

...I fart all the time, but they don't smell and are completely silent. You probably didn't notice, but I've farted six times since you entered the room."

The doctor nods and writes a script. "Take these and come back in a week."

A week later the old lady comes back to the doctor "You ...

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

Why did nVidia built the first self-driving car? (on all conditions)

Because their drivers keep crashing.

Why don't neckbeards hit on people with heart conditions?

Because people with heart conditions take beta-blockers.

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Due to an extremely rare condition, little Johnny is born with nothing but a head...

No arms, legs or body, just a head. His parents love him anyway and do everything they can to make sure he has the most "normal" childhood possible. They shower him with affection and gifts, and try to make him feel like a normal boy.

The years pass by, and one day the family doctor calls. Th...

The husband had a really bad condition of multiple personality disorder...

"Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawnmower."

"That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"

"Because the neighbor just returned him this morning."

one man six horses.

a man was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him. The doctor described his condition as stable.

I heard George Bush Senior is in the hospital in critical condition...

I guess some people really would rather die than watch Trump be sworn in this Friday.

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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details...

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A man with one testicle finally goes to the doctor

He's ashamed of telling the doctor(male) about his condition directly so he whispers in the doctor's ear, "the sum of mine and your testicles is 3".
The doctor looks at the man astonished and asks "You don't have any?".

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Hey girl, I'm no doctor but I can diagnose your condition...

You have acute butt

I suffer from a mental condition where I am unconciously forced to ask for food in the wrong sequence, and sometimes I just plain ask for things that aren't on the menu, anyway...

It's a this order disorder disorder disorder.

So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!"...

Diarrhoea is a hereditary condition...

... it runs in your jeans.

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Two pot dealers are granted probation under the condition that they save as many people from smoking pot as possible within one week by utilizing only a pen and a piece of paper...

After one week they are standing in front of the judge again and are asked for their results.

The first stands up and says that he has saved 100 people from their habit by drawing a big circle and a small circle on the paper.

“How could that affect someone that much that he quits smoki...

I'm selling my parachute. Mint condition.

Never opened, only used once

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

A doctor tells his patient that unfortunately, his condition is terminal...

"Well, how long have I got doc?" asks the man.
"Ten", replies the doctor.
"Ten what?" Asks the patient, "Ten years? Ten Months? Tell me it's not ten weeks!"
"Nine..." Replies the doctor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch ...

Please Help! I've got a medical condition where I can't discern between the letter "b" and the letters "th".

Oops, wrong bread.

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