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"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ...

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.

If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press ...

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In the recreation room of a psychiatric hospital, there were three patients

...named Jimmy, Freddy, and Sonny. The doctor visited them to check if their condition has improved and if they're ready to be discharged.

He first went to Jimmy. Jimmy was writing something on a notebook. He asked "What are you doing, Jimmy?" Jimmy replied "I'm writing a poem, doctor." The...

What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?

Do you see what I see?

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Two doctors in a psychiatric hospital.

Two doctors get assigned to take care of a psychiatric hospital. They get in the main hall and see all the patients imagining they drive cars. However, one of the patients was just staying there like a normal guy, and also looked like he was reluctant to the other guys behaviour. The doctor assume h...

A man walks up to the front desk of a psychiatric facility and strikes up a conversation with the psychiatrist there...

The man asks the psychiatrist, “how do you choose who is admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist explains, "we fill a bathtub with water and give people a straw, a teaspoon, a glass, and a bucket. Then we tell them to empty the bathtub.”

The man chuckles to himself and beams at...

A guy goes to a mental hospital for a psychiatric exam. The doctor shows the guy an inkblot image.

Doctor: "Look at this card and tell me what you think it is."

The guy studies it for a minute and says, "Well, not sure, but to me it looks like Rorschach Series 6, card number 9."

What's the difference between the West Wing and a psychiatric wing?

Hard to say at this point.

The best part about the garden at the psychiatric hospital?

It’s full of nuts.

A psychiatrist decides to visit a psychiatric hospital

He is curious what the psychiatric patients do in their free time. He enters the recreational area and sees that the patients have set up a table as a stage. One by one, the patients climb up and say a number. The audience laughs each time.

The psychiatrist is confused, so he asks one of the ...

New Doctor is doing rounds in a psychiatric ward [Long]

He comes across a patient who looks perfectly fine otherwise and starts talking to him casually

Doctor: so what do you want to do in your life ?
Patient: I just want to make myself a slingshot and hunt myself some swallows

Doctor thinks to himself maybe that’s what’s wrong with the ...

My mom always said you’ve got to commit yourself to make it in this life.

Now I’m posting from the psychiatric ward. Tell momma I made it!

A notice from the Psychiatric Association

Dear citizens,
During the QUARANTINE time it is considered normal to talk to your plants and pots.

Kindly contact us only if they reply.

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Intern Interviews Three Psychiatric Residents

Psych intern is taken to the first of three patient rooms.

Patient is wearing a baseball cap and swinging an imaginary baseball bat.

I: How long do you think you'll be here?

P: Oh, as soon as I hit this home run, I'm outta here!

I: (Makes notes)

Intern is then tak...

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

In a psychiatric hospital it is time to check whether any patient is ready to be sent home.

As part of a test the doctors put a car in the test room and observe what patients are gonna do. Everyone jumps in the car and behave as if they are driving, except for one person. This guy remains calm in his sit and starts laughing at others. The doctors think he has definitely recovered. So, they...

What does a wholefoods and a psychiatric ward have in common?

They're the only places you can get fired for eating a vegetable.

A man runs into a psychiatric hospital completely naked and wrapped in cling-film.

A doctor runs up to him saying "I don't know what's bothering you, but I can clearly see your nuts!"

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Two sociopaths was being locked up in a psychiatric hospital.

One day they both decide that they dont like it there and they want to escape.

They wait for nighttime and eventually they make it to the top of the building and they now stand on the edge of the rooftop, only jumpingdistance away from the next rooftop.

One of the sociopaths jump over ...

I used to work at a psychiatric hospital

And this guy walks in wearing nothing but Saran wrap.

He tells the receptionist, “I think I need to see a psychiatrist.”

Receptionist replies, “no need for an evaluation. I can clearly see ur nuts.”

I've become friend with a nice patient in our psychiatric hospital, but I still haven't got his name.

I call him George, but the doctors call him Imaginary.

A guy walks into a psychiatric ward to visit his old man.

As he sits down in the recreation room with his dad, he spots a schizophrenic kid standing on the table.

The kid starts targeting each person in the room, busting out the freshest, most incredible 'yo mama' jokes he's ever heard; true originality at its best.

"That's incredible," he s...

A soldier was having a psychiatric test prior to discharge.

The psychiatrist asked, "Tell me, Private, what would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
"It would be hard to hear", replied the soldier.
"Good", said the psychiatrist. "What would happen If I cut off your other ear?"
"I wouldn't be able to see."
"That's interesting , why do ...

What do a group of psychiatric patients and an anorexic have in common?

Mass hysteria

A doctor was checking up on his Patient at the psychiatric hospital

Doctor: How are you feeling?

Patient: I keep fantasizing about baboons playing soccer.

Doctor: Ok, I will give you medicine today, you'll stop fantasizing...

Patient: Give me the medicine tomorrow, today it's the finals!

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A group of doctors in a psychiatric ward wanted to look for an improvement in the mental stability of their patients, so they devised an experiment. A doctor put 5 patients in one room.

While in the room, this doctor went to the wall and drew a door (with a door knob and a keyhole). He told the 5 patients in the room to figure out how to open the door.



1st patient waved at the doctors, and tried to open the painted door.

2nd patient kept shouting at the door "...

The answering protocol for the psychiatric hotline.

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you ...

I just read an interesting new warning on my shower cleaner:

"Keep this and all cleaning products away from children. If swallowed, get emergency psychiatric help and regurgitate the children before they are digested."

The psychos went mad.

This is a gentleman walking on the street, he starts hearing some loud voices.

It was from the psychiatric ward, they were yelling "Fourteen ! Fourteen ! Fourteen ....".

Curious to know what's going on inside, the man decided to take a peek through a hole in the wall. As soon he puts ...

Psychiatric ward: A new patient is introduced.

Nurse: "Welcome! Would you tell us a little about yourself?"
Patient: "Alright. I am the last prophet among mankind."
Nurse: "Well, ain't that something! Who told you this?"
Patient: "God Himself."
-A deep voice could be heard from one of the patients in the back:
"I never t...

What do you call music in a psychiatric hospital?

Looney Tunes!

I bought a clock that was made by the patients at a psychiatric hospital

It's the most beautiful cuckoo clock I've ever seen.

A psychiatric patient believed he was running with the bulls.

He was mentally in Spain.

Did you hear Earth is seeking psychiatric help?

It's bipolar...

At a psychiatric ward: “Doctor, what should we do with the new guy in room 6?

He believes he’s a wolf.”
-
Doctor: “Whatever you do, don’t let his grandmother visit!”

One day at the Psychiatric Ward...

A psychiatrist is evaluating three new mental patients. He turns to the first one and asks, "How much is 3 times 3?"

The mental patient thinks and thinks. He racks his brain. Finally, after several minutes, he answers, "128!"

The psychiatrist turns to the second mental patient and asks...

Nicola Sturgeon is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital when one of the patients sits up in bed and exclaims:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"

Before Nicola can respond, another patient responds: "Wee, sleekit, cowerin', timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

while a third one chimes in with "Some hae meat and cannae eat, and some wad eat th...

Trump visiting a psychiatric hospital.

While visiting Trump asks how to determine if one has a psychiatric problem.

There is a test, says the doctor. They fill a bathtub with water and gives the patient a spoon, a cup and a bucket and asks the patient to empty the tub.

Trump then asks: "Wouldn't the normally sane persons no...

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There's a new psychiatric drug that helps with addiction to anal sex.

It's called Trinoacitol.

My old man got admitted to a psychiatric hospital today. He had set up a traffic detour through his house.

I should have seen it coming, all the signs were there.

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A doctor was running a final test to determine whether the treatment for his psychiatric patients works or not

So the doctor brought the 3 patients to an empty pool and asks all of them to jump into the pool.

The first one without hesitate jumped and landed face first thus considered fail.

The second one took a step back, and looked at the doctor, and he said 'doc I cant swim, I might drown'. T...

As a guy, it's not that I have anything against psychiatric wards...

I'm just afraid of commitment.

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While touring the psychiatric hospital,

a new nurse sees a man sitting in the corner of his room, completely naked. He has a bag of almonds, and is bouncing them, one at a time, off of the head of his erect dick.

She looks at the doctor showing her around and asks "Doctor, what is he doing?"

He replies "He's just fucking nut...

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some h...

I told a psychiatric ward patient to stand in the middle of two black poles ...

and he did it ! The absolute madman!

The psychiatric ward is overcrowding.

So the psychiatrist decided to have a test to see which patient is cured.

He drew a door on the wall and straight away, all the patients started charging at the door, scratching desperately, bloody nosed and torn nails, except one fellow sitting placcidly on his bed.

Feeling very hop...

Jogging in the forest

A man is taking a jog in the forest. He realizes he is lost after a while and soon sees another man jogging in the forest. The first man asks the second man for directions, and the second man says, "Sure! I have a truck we can take into the city."

The first man agrees, thinking that the secon...

I was arrested the other day for wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear in public.

The officer said he was going to put me on a 72-hour psychiatric hold.

When I asked him why, he said, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

I translated a German joke and hope it's still funny

A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and has learned, that he isn't a mouse.

As the man in walks out of the psychiatrists office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist an...

A man decides to take a shortcut on his walk home from work

A man decides to take a shortcut on his walk home from work, passing by a street in front of a mental institution. On his way to work the next morning he decides to take the same route and walking by the psychiatric center he starts to hear someone at the other side of the 10 feet tall wall shoutin...

Do you know the funniest part of doing an office conga-line?

When you look back and realise you’re doing it alone and you’re not in an office, you’re in a psychiatric hospital.

Two psychic ward patients are escaping the facility...

They get to a point where they have to cross a gap between two buildings. The first guy has no problem, jumps the gap, but the second guy is scared of heights and refuses to jump.

So the first prisoner thinks for a bit, and proposes a solution:

"How about this, I'll shine my flashlight...

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital. He gets guided round most of the wards by a resident doctor, and things seem okay. They have just one more ward to go, when the doctor's pager goes off and he runs to take an emergency call, the inspector decides to proceed, and asks the...

A little boy is driving with his mother

A little boy is driving with his mother when he asks "what's that building?" His mother replies, "that's the psychiatric hospital, it's where all the people who are sick in the head go." The little boy replies, "oh, I thought that place was called the internet."

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Extreme Sexual Disorder

A group of young doctors are on psychiatric residency. On the first day the senior ward psychiatrist tells them to peer into the window of a room. The take a peek and to their dismay they see a man frantically masturbating in the most violent of ways.

They ask the psychiatrist what's wrong wi...

What do they call an affair with a psychiatrist?

A psychiatric tryst.

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Probably longest spider-joke in the world

There was this manager of a psychiatric ward who walks down the aisles to look if everything is in order. As he walks by one of the rooms, a patient approaches him: *"Sir you need to see what I just found out. This is a discovery no one has made before."* As the manager had nothing better to do and ...

A man believed that he was a grain of wheat.

As much as Eric’s family would try, they could not convince him that he was in fact a human man, and not a grain of wheat.

The worst was when Eric even sensed a bird was around. Because he thought he was a grain of wheat, he would completely panic and run as far as he could. He figured that b...

Calculus Joke

A mathematician goes a little wacky in the brain, so they put him in a Psychiatric Ward. While there, he realizes he can have a little bit of fun with the other patients. He walks up to one patient and says "Hey, get out of my face before I differentiate you!" Terrified, the mental patient runs away...

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Two Crazy Men

Two men planned to run away from the psychiatric hospital. They started planning and agreed that they will go to the gate, beat up the watchman, open the gate and run away.

When they reached the gate, the watchman was not there and the gate was wide open. They turned to each other and said, "...

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Cheesy Jokes

What sort of cheese would you use to entice a bear from a cave?

Camembert



What sort of cheese can hide a small horse?

Mascarpone



Why did the cheese get beat up by the stone?

Because the Roquefort back



Why did the one legge...

You may have heard on the news about a southern Californian man...

Who was put under 72 hour psychiatric observation when it was found that he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammo stored in his home.

My favorite quote from the dimwit tv reporter:"Wow! He has a quarter million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive...

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