UPJOKE
bullyingassaultharassmenthumiliationmisuseuseinsultneglectcrueltyharmcrimechild abusefearaggressionbehavior

"I can't ever see you again. I won't let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK."

**Trainer:** It was one sit up. You did one sit up.

What do you call a girl that broke up with her boyfriend because of abuse?

A hit single.

A domestic abuser, a klansmen, and a murderer walk into a bar.

Bartender: what will it be, officer?

My gf wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse

But I beat her to it

what is a group of domestic abusers called?

a heard.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

C'mon guys don't make fun of Amber Heard's lawyer

He probably gets enough abuse from her as it is

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I called the Child Abuse Hotline

A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off.

I was gonna tell you the one about the necromancer who liked to abuse animals...

...but it'd just be beating a dead horse.

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It’s extra important sexual abusers get fired quickly from the work place.

Otherwise, they start rubbing off on people.

What do you call someone who got fired from the East German secret police for substance abuse ?

An Ex-Stasi

How do you subtly hint that you are being abused?

Beats me

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

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I was walking through the local park when I was verbally abused by two unruly kids.

Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..

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A teacher teaches class on drug abuse

He walks into the classroom, draws a big circle and a small circle on the blackboard and asks: “What are these?”

As nobody answers, he says:” The big circle is your eye pupil, when you’re clean, and the small circle is your eye pupil, when you’re high! If the police see this, they put you in ...

Everything is relative

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money
to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same
church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could
he see right through the brothers...

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I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

I adopted a duck with a substance abuse problem.

He’s addicted to quack.

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

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A Bishop has been arrested for failing to stop sexual abuse happening directly in front of him. He claimed he was powerless to stop it

because he could only move diagonally.

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BBC News: “The Pope calls for ‘action’ on sexual abuse.”

Right after calling “Lights, camera...”

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The young son asks the father what politics is

The young son asks the father what politics is. The father says, "Let's take our family, for example. I bring the money home, so we call me capitalism. Your mother manages the money, so we call her the government. We both look after your welfare almost exclusively, so you are the people. Our maid is...

I’ve suffered from so much racist abuse today, with people yelling at me to “go home” and “go back where you came from.”

It really spoiled my giant get-together with all my friends in the park.

How do you cure someone from steroid abuse?

You give them the anti-dope

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"The average woman will receive verbal abuse six times a day," said my wife.

I said, "Honey, you're not the average woman. You're a million times what the average woman is."

"Aww, thanks babe," she replied.

I said, "It wasn't a compliment. Lose some fucking weight."

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Sexual abuse is not funny

My cat died that way.

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.



But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'



'Why not?' The judge asked.



'Because he beats me too.'



'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

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I'm no drug addict but they still took me to the substance abuse department

All I said to my friend doctor was
"I'm a dick, Ted"

I bought my wife a alarm clock which abuses you instead of ringing bells.

She's in for a rude awakening.

After years of abuse, people talking down on me for being unstable, using me, stepping over me, putting me down, i finally became stable. And it only took one nice guy and a folded coaster.

Singed, the table.

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A joke my dad's friend told me when I was way too young

Going off the dome for this one but it's been burned in my head since I was 8; apologies if it's been told before (couldn't find a direct post). Also, this joke, is uh, from a different era? Apologies again.

There was a woman who found herself recently single after her abusive husband suddenl...

A.A.A.A.A (American Association Against Acronysm Abuse)

NR@AAAAA
(Now recruiting at AAAAA)
FFTJ
(Feel free to join)

Please dont tell jokes about domestic abuse...

They hit too close to home

My doctor asked me if I abuse drugs and alcohol

I said "why would I abuse the two things I love more than anything"?

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A man who abuses women goes to hell.

When he gets there, there's a row of giant demons with 18 inch dicks. A voice says "please proceed forward. Stop at every demon. When you get to the end you will be judged." So he goes to the first demon who proceeds to fuck him in the ass. The demon punches him in the face when it's over. He proce...

Great joke about child abuse!

Let me tell you guys before my dad beats me to it.

What do you call a prescription opioid abuser who realise their stupidity but won't stop anyway?

an oxymoron

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A contest is announced for all the police agencies in the world

A contest is announced for all the police agencies in the world and after all the qualifying rounds were completed three police agencies were shortlisted for the finals, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, France National Police and NYPD.

Just so it happened that a tiger was terrorizing a near...

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I was reading an article on how men could be the victims of domestic abuse

I was starting to believe this crap, but thankfully, my wife came in and slapped me back to my senses. That's the last time I'm reading men's rights propaganda.

Opioid abuse may have a downside...

But it also has its Percs.

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week

I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

Bill’s had a tough week, so he decides to have a little fun

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived h...

Title of my new book about how I used to abuse my wife.

The Hits and the Mrs.

Have you heard the one about the dwarf who abuses his tall wife?

It's a little offensive.

But a real knee slapper.

What did the rogue snowflake say to the abused raindrop who was unaware of his powers?

Yer a blizzard Harry

What do you get when you combine flour, water, sugar, salt, yeast, and animal abuse?

PETA bread.

Why aren’t people more open about their domestic abuse situations?

Beats me

My dad used to abuse my mom (long)

As a little kid, I remember countless nights of being awake at night scared by all the yelling and screaming downstairs. A few times my mom would be bruised on her arms. I'd ask her about it and she wouldn't say anything.

One day she got the courage to call the police and have him taken away ...

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

I physically force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials,

just to show him how good he has it.

I would never joke about animal abuse.

That’s just beating a dead horse.

I like my craft beers like I like my abuse...

Domestic

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Morgan Freeman has been accused of sexual abuse.

He can’t play God anymore. Just a priest.

Apple is making a new drug abuse detector

The ICUP.

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A guy was getting a lot of abuse from two kids at a supermarket.

So the guy says to the mother are they twins? Mother replies how the fuck can they be twins, one is 9 and the other one is 6 the guy replies, well I didn't think anyone could fuck you twice...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus sits down one day and considers the high rate of drug abuse that will follow long after his time on earth.

He thinks it is a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sends his apostles out to see what drugs they can find.

A couple of days later Jesus hears a knock at the door. “Who is it?”. “Paul.”Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring, Paul?”. “Hashish f...

A woman is asked if her husband is an abuser

“Beats me,” she replied

How many substance abuse counselors does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

Everyone complains about the abuse of power in America

but at least after the holidays all the lights are taken down.

A man brings his wife to his first domestic abuse support group

As they sit down, the man beside him leans over and whispers in his ear:

"You hittin' that?"

You are invited to our next AA (Acronym Abusers) meeting!

Please RSVP by the ATM machine with your PIN number!

My brother broke down crying and told me about how he was abused by a priest when we were kids.

It was a very touching story.

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R Kelly has been charged with sexual abuse

I guess there was something wrong with that bump and grind.

New study shows procrastination is as harmful to mental health as alcohol abuse

To combat this, I've decided to form Procrastinators anonymous, please consider joining it!

My girlfriend tried to tell me an abuse joke

But I beat her to the punch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read the report on the sexual abuse of minors in the Catholic church

It seems that much of the abuse took place in the rectory.

Cardinal George Pell has just been convicted of child abuse -

Just goes to show that abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

Irish man arrested for domestic abuse

The man has been arrested on the same charge 5 times before.

"Why do you keep beating her Paddy?" asked the police officer.

"Well isn't that obvious you idiot?

It is my height and weight advantage coupled with my superior reach and better footwork!"

Police said they were looking for a racist abuser.

I immediately called the hotline but they told me it wasn't a job advert.

My wife says I have a problem with alcohol abuse.

I politely told her I don't. I managed to stay calm and kiss her goodnight even though I was getting so angry.

When she went to bed I punched my bottle of Jack Daniels.

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So a lonely, used, abused, beaten down woman places a personal ad in the newspaper...

She writes that she desires a man who won't use her for her money, beat her to a bloody pulp and won't walk out on her leaving her an emotional wreck of shambles. She also states that this man ought to satisfy her sexually and fuck her like no other man has.

Well days go by and no one respond...

Apparently filling animals with helium is "abuse", pfft

Whatever floats your goat, I guess.

My son is Traumatised by Years of Abuse

A bit long of a name maybe, but it fits him perfectly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sad example of the witch hunt caused by the flood of sexual abuse allegations

A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical training has been fired for one minor indiscretion.

He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans.

This just goes to show...

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