UPJOKE
bullyingassaultharassmenthumiliationmisuseusecoercioninsultneglectmistreatmentcrueltyharmcrimechild abusefear

Abuse Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called the Child Abuse Hotline

A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off.

I once abused someone with a dictionary...

The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault

My gf wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse

But I beat her to it

I would never joke about animal abuse.

That’s just beating a dead horse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

PETA claims that their ads have significantly reduced animal abuse...

But seeing those nude models in billboards and magazines spread have only made me beat my monkey harder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sexual abuse is not funny

My cat died that way.

What do you call a girl that broke up with her boyfriend because of abuse?

A hit single.

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

C'mon guys don't make fun of Amber Heard's lawyer

He probably gets enough abuse from her as it is

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man who abuses women goes to hell.

When he gets there, there's a row of giant demons with 18 inch dicks. A voice says "please proceed forward. Stop at every demon. When you get to the end you will be judged." So he goes to the first demon who proceeds to fuck him in the ass. The demon punches him in the face when it's over. He proce...

Great joke about child abuse!

Let me tell you guys before my dad beats me to it.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

What do you call a group of domestic abusers?

A Heard.

Please dont tell jokes about domestic abuse...

They hit too close to home

How do you cure someone from steroid abuse?

You give them the anti-dope

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The average woman will receive verbal abuse six times a day," said my wife.

I said, "Honey, you're not the average woman. You're a million times what the average woman is."

"Aww, thanks babe," she replied.

I said, "It wasn't a compliment. Lose some fucking weight."

A domestic abuser, a klansmen, and a murderer walk into a bar.

Bartender: what will it be, officer?

I once had an abusive girlfriend.

Her name was Lorraine. Whenever she didn’t agree with something I said or did, she would strike me all over the body, but punching me in the eye was most common. That left me with black eyes almost constantly. I had enough. I broke up with her after five months of abuse. I can see clearly now, Lorra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher teaches class on drug abuse

He walks into the classroom, draws a big circle and a small circle on the blackboard and asks: “What are these?”

As nobody answers, he says:” The big circle is your eye pupil, when you’re clean, and the small circle is your eye pupil, when you’re high! If the police see this, they put you in ...

Opioid abuse may have a downside...

But it also has its Percs.

I adopted a duck with a substance abuse problem.

He’s addicted to quack.

How do you subtly hint that you are being abused?

Beats me

I was gonna tell you the one about the necromancer who liked to abuse animals...

...but it'd just be beating a dead horse.

My doctor asked me if I abuse drugs and alcohol

I said "why would I abuse the two things I love more than anything"?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was reading an article on how men could be the victims of domestic abuse

I was starting to believe this crap, but thankfully, my wife came in and slapped me back to my senses. That's the last time I'm reading men's rights propaganda.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.



But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'



'Why not?' The judge asked.



'Because he beats me too.'



'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BBC News: “The Pope calls for ‘action’ on sexual abuse.”

Right after calling “Lights, camera...”

Me: “I don’t want to ever see you anymore! I won’t let you hurt me like this again! Abuse is never acceptable!”

Trainer: “”It was one sit-up. You had to do one sit-up.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s extra important sexual abusers get fired quickly from the work place.

Otherwise, they start rubbing off on people.

I physically force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials,

just to show him how good he has it.

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week

I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

My dad used to abuse my mom (long)

As a little kid, I remember countless nights of being awake at night scared by all the yelling and screaming downstairs. A few times my mom would be bruised on her arms. I'd ask her about it and she wouldn't say anything.

One day she got the courage to call the police and have him taken away ...

Irish man arrested for domestic abuse

The man has been arrested on the same charge 5 times before.

"Why do you keep beating her Paddy?" asked the police officer.

"Well isn't that obvious you idiot?

It is my height and weight advantage coupled with my superior reach and better footwork!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking through the local park when I was verbally abused by two unruly kids.

Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Abuse of police powers.

A cowboy walks into a saloon wearing paper bag boots, paper bag pants, a paper bag shirt and a paper hat.

The local sheriff pulls out his gun and says " I'm arresting you."

And the cowboy says "What for?"

The sheriff replies "RUSTLING!"

What do you call someone who got fired from the East German secret police for substance abuse ?

An Ex-Stasi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm no drug addict but they still took me to the substance abuse department

All I said to my friend doctor was
"I'm a dick, Ted"

Judge Makes Decision In Child Abuse Case

Miami, FL (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Miami courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child c...

I like my craft beers like I like my abuse...

Domestic

Title of my new book about how I used to abuse my wife.

The Hits and the Mrs.

Why should we be lenient on drug abusers with lisps?

All they did was meth up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

R Kelly has been charged with sexual abuse

I guess there was something wrong with that bump and grind.

Apparently filling animals with helium is "abuse", pfft

Whatever floats your goat, I guess.

Everyone complains about the abuse of power in America

but at least after the holidays all the lights are taken down.

My son is Traumatised by Years of Abuse

A bit long of a name maybe, but it fits him perfectly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pope called child abuse “poop” in Ireland

Something that happens directly under him, everyday, that he tries to flush down the toilet, so that no one sniffs it out.

To any redditors who abuse, or have abused drugs...

violence is not the answer.

Journalist to Abused Wife

Journalist : Do you know what your husband does in his free time ?

Wife : *shrugs* beats me.

Worldwide, millions die from alcohol abuse each year....

Its truly a horrible ginocide.

Why is there no equality in domestic abuse?

Someone always has the upper hand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a lonely, used, abused, beaten down woman places a personal ad in the newspaper...

She writes that she desires a man who won't use her for her money, beat her to a bloody pulp and won't walk out on her leaving her an emotional wreck of shambles. She also states that this man ought to satisfy her sexually and fuck her like no other man has.

Well days go by and no one respond...

My girlfriend tried to tell me an abuse joke

But I beat her to the punch

A woman is asked if her husband is an abuser

“Beats me,” she replied

How many substance abuse counselors does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

A man brings his wife to his first domestic abuse support group

As they sit down, the man beside him leans over and whispers in his ear:

"You hittin' that?"

I bought my wife a alarm clock which abuses you instead of ringing bells.

She's in for a rude awakening.

Cardinal George Pell has just been convicted of child abuse -

Just goes to show that abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

My wife says I have a problem with alcohol abuse.

I politely told her I don't. I managed to stay calm and kiss her goodnight even though I was getting so angry.

When she went to bed I punched my bottle of Jack Daniels.

Police said they were looking for a racist abuser.

I immediately called the hotline but they told me it wasn't a job advert.

In a shelter for abused women.

My husband used to beat me on regular basis. Sometimes, he would get his drinking mates and they would stand one after another to beat me. But one day I said to myself: get a grip woman, enough is enough. So when my husband and his mates collapsed drunk, I run away to this shelter. After 6 mon...

You are invited to our next AA (Acronym Abusers) meeting!

Please RSVP by the ATM machine with your PIN number!

What happens if a pirate abuses his parrots?

The Yarrr-SPCA come and take them away.

What do you get when you combine flour, water, sugar, salt, yeast, and animal abuse?

PETA bread.

So my dad always abused me as a kid...

..but I knew it wasnt his fault. I wasnt gonna abuse him back, I was gonna abuse what made him do that to me.

So thats how I became a raging alcoholic.

Have you heard the one about the dwarf who abuses his tall wife?

It's a little offensive.

But a real knee slapper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People hurled abuse at me at the bar last night

So I went for a night out with my girlfriend. People hurled abuse at me, calling me "freak" and "pedophile" just because she is 18 and I'm 30.



Really ruined our 10th anniversary.

What do you call it when one musician abuses another?

An act of violins.

When i was little I had a pet rock I was always very strict on him about drug abuse

because i was afraid that he would be a stoner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Bishop has been arrested for failing to stop sexual abuse happening directly in front of him. He claimed he was powerless to stop it

because he could only move diagonally.

If a Muslim beats his wife,

would it be domestic violence or child abuse?

What do you call a prescription opioid abuser who realise their stupidity but won't stop anyway?

an oxymoron

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was getting a lot of abuse from two kids at a supermarket.

So the guy says to the mother are they twins? Mother replies how the fuck can they be twins, one is 9 and the other one is 6 the guy replies, well I didn't think anyone could fuck you twice...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read the report on the sexual abuse of minors in the Catholic church

It seems that much of the abuse took place in the rectory.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.