What do you call a girl that broke up with her boyfriend because of abuse?

A hit single.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

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A Bishop has been arrested for failing to stop sexual abuse happening directly in front of him. He claimed he was powerless to stop it

because he could only move diagonally.

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I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

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I am a very passive agressive person. I always abuse in passive voice. For instance...

"Your ass will be kicked by me."

Why should we be lenient on drug abusers with lisps?

All they did was meth up.

I adopted a duck with a substance abuse problem.

He’s addicted to quack.

How do you subtly hint that you are being abused?

Beats me

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

I bought my wife a alarm clock which abuses you instead of ringing bells.

She's in for a rude awakening.

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week

I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

What do you call a prescription opioid abuser who realise their stupidity but won't stop anyway?

an oxymoron

Bill’s had a tough week, so he decides to have a little fun

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived h...

A lion and lioness are just sitting in a jungle.

A lion and lioness are just sitting in a jungle.

A dog comes around and starts insulting them. The lioness asks the lion,

"Are you going to just listen or are you going to do anything about this disrespect?"

The lion ignores the lioness. The lioness couldn't take the abuse any m...

I’ve suffered from so much racist abuse today, with people yelling at me to “go home” and “go back where you came from.”

It really spoiled my giant get-together with all my friends in the park.

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Sexual abuse is not funny

My cat died that way.

After years of abuse, people talking down on me for being unstable, using me, stepping over me, putting me down, i finally became stable. And it only took one nice guy and a folded coaster.

Singed, the table.

Have you heard the one about the dwarf who abuses his tall wife?

It's a little offensive.

But a real knee slapper.

"I can't ever see you again. I won't let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK."

**Trainer:** It was one sit up. You did one sit up.

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I'm no drug addict but they still took me to the substance abuse department

All I said to my friend doctor was
"I'm a dick, Ted"

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.



But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'



'Why not?' The judge asked.



'Because he beats me too.'



'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

A.A.A.A.A (American Association Against Acronysm Abuse)

[email protected]
(Now recruiting at AAAAA)
FFTJ
(Feel free to join)

How do you cure someone from steroid abuse?

You give them the anti-dope

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

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"The average woman will receive verbal abuse six times a day," said my wife.

I said, "Honey, you're not the average woman. You're a million times what the average woman is."

"Aww, thanks babe," she replied.

I said, "It wasn't a compliment. Lose some fucking weight."

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I called the Child Abuse Hotline

A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off.

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What abuse can a human use that a dog can't ?

Son of a bitch

What did the rogue snowflake say to the abused raindrop who was unaware of his powers?

Yer a blizzard Harry

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

A klansmen, a domestic abuser and a murderer walk into a bar...

The bartender asks “what’ll it be officer?”

My doctor asked me if I abuse drugs and alcohol

I said "why would I abuse the two things I love more than anything"?

Title of my new book about how I used to abuse my wife.

The Hits and the Mrs.

Why aren’t people more open about their domestic abuse situations?

Beats me

My dad used to abuse my mom (long)

As a little kid, I remember countless nights of being awake at night scared by all the yelling and screaming downstairs. A few times my mom would be bruised on her arms. I'd ask her about it and she wouldn't say anything.

One day she got the courage to call the police and have him taken away ...

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A man who abuses women goes to hell.

When he gets there, there's a row of giant demons with 18 inch dicks. A voice says "please proceed forward. Stop at every demon. When you get to the end you will be judged." So he goes to the first demon who proceeds to fuck him in the ass. The demon punches him in the face when it's over. He proce...

What do you get when you combine flour, water, sugar, salt, yeast, and animal abuse?

PETA bread.

Great joke about child abuse!

Let me tell you guys before my dad beats me to it.

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Stop alright! It's not No Nut November!

It's always Jack-off January, Fap February, Masturbate March, Abuse-yo-cock April, Maniacally beat-yo-meat May, Jizzy June, Jerk July, Abolish-yo-junk August, Seep-yo-seed September, Orgasmic October, Nut November, Destroy Dick December.

What do you call an opioid abuser?

An oxymoron

Opioid abuse may have a downside...

But it also has its Percs.

Apple is making a new drug abuse detector

The ICUP.

You are invited to our next AA (Acronym Abusers) meeting!

Please RSVP by the ATM machine with your PIN number!

What's the difference between Drugs and kids?

I don't abuse drugs.

How many substance abuse counselors does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

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I was reading an article on how men could be the victims of domestic abuse

I was starting to believe this crap, but thankfully, my wife came in and slapped me back to my senses. That's the last time I'm reading men's rights propaganda.

Police said they were looking for a racist abuser.

I immediately called the hotline but they told me it wasn't a job advert.

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A guy was getting a lot of abuse from two kids at a supermarket.

So the guy says to the mother are they twins? Mother replies how the fuck can they be twins, one is 9 and the other one is 6 the guy replies, well I didn't think anyone could fuck you twice...

I physically force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials,

just to show him how good he has it.

Please dont tell jokes about domestic abuse...

They hit too close to home

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My girlfriend asked me to choke her and hit her during sex but it makes me feel guilty.

I’m joining the police academy to learn how to abuse and choke someone without being guilty.

What do you call an adult that abuses animals and wants to be in a relationship with a child?

A PETA-phile.

I like my craft beers like I like my abuse...

Domestic

A man brings his wife to his first domestic abuse support group

As they sit down, the man beside him leans over and whispers in his ear:

"You hittin' that?"

My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse...

But i beat her to it.

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Morgan Freeman has been accused of sexual abuse.

He can’t play God anymore. Just a priest.

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R Kelly has been charged with sexual abuse

I guess there was something wrong with that bump and grind.

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I read the report on the sexual abuse of minors in the Catholic church

It seems that much of the abuse took place in the rectory.

Cardinal George Pell has just been convicted of child abuse -

Just goes to show that abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

What happens if a pirate abuses his parrots?

The Yarrr-SPCA come and take them away.

Everyone complains about the abuse of power in America

but at least after the holidays all the lights are taken down.

A woman is asked if her husband is an abuser

“Beats me,” she replied

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16yo with a part time job at McDonald's comes home in a new Porsche Panamera Turbo S.

His mom screams at him, "HOW THE HELL DID YOU BUY THAT PORSCHE, WE KNOW WHAT IT COSTS."

The 16yo says, "I got it from that old lady over there, she gave me it for $1.

His mom, steaming: OMG SHE MIGHT BE A RAPIST AND A CHILD ABUSER! LET'S GO SEE HER!!"

His dad goes to the old lad...

My son is Traumatised by Years of Abuse

A bit long of a name maybe, but it fits him perfectly

My brother broke down crying and told me about how he was abused by a priest when we were kids.

It was a very touching story.

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A sad example of the witch hunt caused by the flood of sexual abuse allegations

A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical training has been fired for one minor indiscretion.

He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans.

This just goes to show...

New study shows procrastination is as harmful to mental health as alcohol abuse

To combat this, I've decided to form Procrastinators anonymous, please consider joining it!

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Hitler dies and is sent to hell.

He spends 30 earthly years there being tourtured and abused, going through worse than he even could imagine.

After this time, god calls him up for a talk, considering a pardon. He asks Hitler: "If I sent you back to earth today, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I would load all the ...

So my dad always abused me as a kid...

..but I knew it wasnt his fault. I wasnt gonna abuse him back, I was gonna abuse what made him do that to me.

So thats how I became a raging alcoholic.

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A thug starts harassing a nun on a bus

He's saying things to her like 'show me what's under that outfit' and 'I bet you're not wearing any underwear'. The nun is clearly uncomfortable and eventually clutches her bible to her chest and yells 'LORD PROTECT ME' and gets off the bus at the next stop.


The thug starts yelling abus...

Worldwide, millions die from alcohol abuse each year....

Its truly a horrible ginocide.

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The pope called child abuse “poop” in Ireland

Something that happens directly under him, everyday, that he tries to flush down the toilet, so that no one sniffs it out.

Three men found a genie lamp that grants the opposite of what is wished

The first man wishes that he would win the lottery. He buys his first ticket, and loses, buys his second ticket, and loses. Every week the man dumped his savings into lottery tickets, until he was completely broke.

The second man wishes for a healthy and long life. He decides to abuse his wis...

My girlfriend tried to tell me an abuse joke

But I beat her to the punch

My wife says I have a problem with alcohol abuse.

I politely told her I don't. I managed to stay calm and kiss her goodnight even though I was getting so angry.

When she went to bed I punched my bottle of Jack Daniels.

Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore?

Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore?

Me: If you get to know one of your friends harasses women when he sees them alone, does drugs, throws stones at stray animals and laughs at their misery, gets into fights for no reason, abuses his girlfriend and bunks classes, would you still talk to h...

Irish man arrested for domestic abuse

The man has been arrested on the same charge 5 times before.

"Why do you keep beating her Paddy?" asked the police officer.

"Well isn't that obvious you idiot?

It is my height and weight advantage coupled with my superior reach and better footwork!"

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