Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?

For Hispanic attacks.

What happens when you leave your ADHD medication in your Ford Fiesta?

It turns into a Ford Focus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor prescribed me a new medication.

It’s called Fukitol. Unfortunately, the pharmacy had none left to give.

Apparently 25% of women are on some form of medication for mental illness. 25%! That's horrifying.

It means 75% of them are running around untreated!

I was bored this morning and decided to take my wife's medication just to see what the side effects were

Funny, it didn't make me want to sleep with my best friend...

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

What do you call someone who is slowly quitting medication?

A weaner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New nurse at an elderly care centre: "Hey, I was checking though Bills medication list and got curious, why would a 90 year old man need viagra while staying here alone?"

Nurse 2: "It stops him rolling out of bed."

Which medication kites behind your boat?

Parasailtamol

Did you know that 38% of American women are on medications for being some form of crazy?

This is terrifying because that means that 62% of American women are walking around unmedicated!

Someone stole my antidepressants medication.

I hope they're happy!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You guys hear about the medication for premature ejaculation?

You can get it with expedited shipping so it should come quickly...

What's the name of the erectile dysfunction medication used in Pokemon?

PP up

Me: I'm here for medication to help with my fear of the spice girls

Doctor: we have 3 types so tell me what you want

Me[screams]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I mixed up my viagra and depression medication today.

No matter how much I try, everything just keeps getting harder and harder.

My daughter used to be scared of her anti-depressant medication.

But now look at her - she takes it like a Lexapro.

What medication does a snake take before giving a presentation?

An antihissstamine.

I just found out that 23% of women are taking psyche medications.. I can't believe it...

That means 77% are walking around untreated.

My roommate couldn’t remember whether he took his anti anxiety medication or not.

I said, “Are you worried about it?”

After trying many medications, my uncle learned he is only happy when his wife is miserable

He now only takes auntie depressants.

My mother's sister is on heavy duty medication for schizophrenia.

I call her Aunty Psychotic.

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication,

got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, ...

Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,

Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.

Why does Donald Trump need anxiety medication?

To prevent hispanic attacks.

What medication are ants prescribed to deal with their low moods?

Anty depressants.

My mom was watching TV when an Ad for an Alzheimer's medication cam on...

She says to me "Grab a pencil and paper and write down this medication in case i get Alzheimer's so you know what med to give me." I said "Mom don't be silly. You have already written it down five times"

Why is the magnet on medication?

Because it's bipolar

I ate the cats medication by accident

Don’t ask meow.

My dad has Parkinson’s medication.

His medication is labeled “shake well before use”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm fucked. I just dropped my wife's epilepsy medication in the washing machine.

My wife's furious. Her clothes don't fit now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever had to force your dog into taking their medication?

It's the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know you're up to something. So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they don't bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes. But as i...

Medication

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wond...

My medication says to store it in a cool, dark place.

So I keep it in a jazz club in Harlem.

If Microsoft Made Medication...

10. Anyone who took them would be more vulnerable to catching viruses.
9. The drugs would cause you to collapse into unconsciousness at random times. This would be known as a "system crash."
8. It would be hard to tell if you were taking the right drug, because Microsoft would make all its med...

My son didn't take his kleptomania medication this morning.

He took mine.

What medication that can make people inspire you?

Aspirin

sorry guys

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to pay $150 for the bowel prep medication before my colonoscopy.

That shit was expensive.


(Crosspost from r/funny. This fits better here.)

What do you get when you take an HIV medication and raise the price 5,000%?

Rich AND famous, apparently

Did you hear about the Homeopath who forgot to take his medication?

He died of overdose

What did the urologist say to his patient who forgot to take his medication?

Urine trouble!

A man goes to see his psychiatrist because of a dream he keeps on having.

"Every night I go to sleep I dream of a group of cats playing soccer in my backyard," The man says. "I don't know what it means... I lover soccer, but I hate cats."

"Well," said the doctor. "I'm not sure what your dreams mean, either. But if they're bothering you so much, I can prescribe yo...

Two very active seniors

Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you ...

I recently started seeing someone!

The doctor has since put me on medication.

Fake friends suck...

You take your medication once and they leave you just like that

(I came up with this on my own but it's probably not a new joke lol)

An elderly woman goes to the doctor's because she is concerned her constant farting.

She says " the farts are always silent and don't smell, but they're a nuisance"

The doctor prescribed some medication, and tells her to be back in a week.

A week later, she comes back, concerned, and complains that her farts are now terribly loud.

The doctor prescribes more medi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another joke

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

A patient tells his doctor he dreams about playing soccer with donkeys every night

The **doctor** responds, "No need to worry, I've got just the right medicine for you".

Immediately the **patient** whimpers, "Well, can you prescribe me the medication tomorrow".

The **doctor** chuckles, "Why?".

The **patient** states, "*Tonight is our finals*".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

AI Doctor.

Guy hurts his arm. It's painful so he goes to his doctor.

The receptionist says "it's all AI now, just supply a sample of your urine and put it in the machine"

The guy things "weird but o.k'., does a sample, puts it in the machine.

A minute later a message appears. 'You have a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are in a terrible car crash

The wife walks away with some minor cuts and bruises, but the husband is in critical condition and is rushed into surgery.

After 5 or 6 hours in the waiting room, the wife sees the doctor approaching in blood-stained scrubs.

"I've got good news and bad news," he says. "Which would you ...

There was a nun who volunteered at a hospital,

and since she had her doctorate and medical license, the hospital allowed her to prescribe medications. In fact, she took great joy in being able to provide prescriptions immediately, and so modified one of her uniforms to start carrying some of the more common medications and equipment. Over time, ...

Went hiking and got a little poison ivy on myself.

When I went to the pharmacy to pick up some medication I had to make a rash decision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman storms into a doctor’s office and demands to see the doctor immediately.

The attendant, flustered, says there will be a wait, but the woman refuses and stomps past the attendant’s desk and into an exam room. Moments later, the doctor enters.

“Okay Mrs. Thompson, what is the problem you’re so angry about?”

Mrs. Thompson opens her blouse, revealing a thick g...

Why are there no pharmacies in Ethiopia?

Because you need to eat food before taking medication

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

The sun is singing, the birds are blazing, the trees are shouting...

I think I may have taken the wrong medication.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man rushes home from the doctor's

He runs straight to the bedroom to find his wife.

"Great news." He said, "The doctor told me that I need daily sex medication.

His wife, confused, picks up the doctor's note and says,

"This says dyslexia medication you fucking idiot."

A joke I heard recently about depression:

One day, a man is so sick and tired of the usual routine that he decides to finally take action and seek a doctor for psychological help.

He goes to the doctor and confesses for the first time the feelings which haunt his daily life: how he perceives the world is harsh and cruel, how he feels...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John gets a bee sting on his dick.

He and wife go to the doctor. As the doctor is finishing up, wife takes him to the side and says - can you only give medication for the pain and leave the swelling as it is ?

The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"

A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .

- I have lost my tas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...

This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Punch line first

Years ago this radio station was having a contest about the best punch line.
Everyone was calling in telling a jokes punchline first and whoever had the best punchline won a prize and got to tell their joke on the air.

So all these random punchlines where called in about the rabbi said t...

My wife keeps telling me I need anger management

My psychiatrist keeps telling me I don’t have a wife and I need stronger medication for my hallucinations.

An elderly couple started losing their memory.

They went to the doctor together to look into it. “Your memory loss is pretty bad. I’ll give you some medication for now, but in the meantime I suggest to start writing things down when you need to remember them”.

The couple reluctantly took the medication and went home, refusing to accept th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A veteran is being interviewed for a job...

and it looks like hes going to get it. When the interviewer asks

I. Do you have any medical issues we should know about?

V. When I was in the war my testicles were blown off. I take pills for it so its not an issue though. Only problem is I cant drink coffee now. The caffeine will int...

A reporter is standing at the edge of a cliff contemplating suicide[Long]

a reporter in a small town is standing on the edge of a cliff contemplating suicide when as he is about to jump a road worker approaches him and asks "Are you going to jump?" The reporter replies "yep, there hasn't been a story in this town for years and I'm tired of it." The road worker thinks for ...

I walked into the doctor's office one day.

"It appears that you are severely depressed, so I reccomend you take some medication for this..." the doctor told me, writing something down.

I asked, "How much longer do I have to live?"

Confused, the doctor replied "Sir, besides depression, you're actually very healthy."

I a...

A man and a woman are laying in bed

They are both senior citizens and have begun losing their memory.

One day they went to the doctor to ask if they can remedy their memory loss in any way and the doctor said that no medication could help so the best thing they can start doing is writing things down to help them remember.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Google buys local Pizzeria

“Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?”

“No sir, it's Google Pizza – we bought Gordon’s Pizza last month. Do you want your usual, sir?”

“My usual? You know me?”

“According to our caller ID data, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with cheese, sausage, peppero...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor with a huge lasting headache, "I can't live with it anymore doc, please find out what's wrong".

So the doctor ran some tests, and after carefully studying the results, he presented the bad news to the patient. "It seems you have a very rare nervous disease near your testicles causing your headache. You have two options; either we cut off your testes or I can put you on very heavy pain medicati...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump visited the White House doctor...

**Trump:** I got a problem doc, my penis has turned orange!!

**Dr Jackson:** Sounds bad. I better take a look.

**Trump:** (drops his shorts) Bad enough my face is orange but if this gets out I'm sunk with the ladies....whaddaya think, doc?.

**Dr Jackson:** (takes a look) Yep,...

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery...

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery. She was in pre-op and asked the nurse if there was any way she could administer the anesthesia medication herself. To which the nurse replied "I am not sure, I will go ask the surgeon." The nurse leaves to check with the surgeon....

So I am opening an Italian style restaurant.

Every item on the menu is going to be medication themed.

I am gonna call it.... Big Parma.

The Chinese pharmacist

A man sends his wife to pick up his erectile dysfunction medication.

She gets back and they get undressed and get down to business.

The wife stops and says “our new pharmacist is a very nice Chinese man but talks too much politics but don’t worry, I made sure your pills aren’t made i...

This weekend we saw a crocodile that had trouble swimming,

Does anyone know where we can find medication for a reptile dysfunction?

A lady goes to a doctor...

"Doc, I have high fever. Can you give some medications?"

"Just walk in the rain, eat some ice-cream, drink cold-water..."

"What! Will my fever go away then?"

"No, you'll catch Pneumonia. I have the medication for it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor for some help dealing with my premature ejaculation.

He gave me some advice, a few brochures to read, and a prescription for some medication that might help.

Two weeks later, he called me to ask how it was going.

I said, "It's still touch and go."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tommy goes to the doctor complaining about increased appetite and insatiable hunger.

The doctor asks for the symptoms and diagnoses that he has tapeworms. The doctor prescribes medication and asks to meet him in a week. Tommy comes back and says that it was ineffective and that he still feels hungry all the time.

The doctor prescribes new stronger medicine but even then T...

My psychiatrist explained why I was depressed

Doctor: I believe you are feeling isolated, lonely, and inadequate because your body is going through extreme hormonal changes. This is very common.

Me: Really? It's made me worried on top of everything else.

Doctor: I can recommend some medication to try and stabilize your hormones, b...

My doctor must be a very visual person,

Whenever I have a cold he holds out my medication and says "vitamins, see".

A man with a nervous facial twitch is auditioning for a part in a play

Every few seconds his cheek spasms and one eye squints.

The director of the play says "How do you expect me to give you a part if you keep doing that?"

The man replies "I actually have a medication for it, please wait one moment while I take it." He reaches into his right pocket and pu...

A woman walks into a doctor's office

"Doc, I have a real problem. I fart all the time! Just constantly. But what's weird is, all my farts are silent, and don't smell at all. I've farted five times since I've sat down in here and you haven't noticed! Can you help me at all?"

The doctor gives the woman some medication, and the nex...

A farmer is having trouble getting his bull to mate.

He goes to the vet, and the vet gives him some medication, and tells him to mix it in the bull's food. Within a day, the bull is going around the pasture, humping every cow he can find. The farmer's neighbor stops by and says, "Looks like you solved the problem with your bull." The farmer says, "Yea...

An old woman goes to the doctor..

She complains that "I've been farting all the time. It doesn't smell and no one can hear it... but I just want to get the problem fixed."

The doctor writes her a prescription and tells her to come back in two weeks after taking her medication.

She comes back after two weeks and says ...

There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola:

The directions say the medication must be taken with food.

Suppositories

Clarence was a farmer who lived during a period when few medications were available. When a county Doctor examined him, he found a severe case of hemorrhoids. The Doc told him he had samples of a new treatment called suppositories and gave him a handful. When Clarence next saw the Doctor at church, ...

A man walks into a doctor's office with stomach problems

The doctor runs some tests and tells the man it can be solved, but he has to take a suppository once a day for two weeks. The doctor inserts the first one to show the patient how it is done.

The next day the man is trying to insert the medication, but is too squeamish to do it. So he asks hi...

Grandma and her birth control pills

Grandma scheduled the first visit with the new doctor in town. The doctor's office told her to bring a list of her medications with her for the consultation. The doctor was reading the list and came upon one prescription. "Pardon me, but do you realize these are birth control pills?" asked the do...

A joke that is too long and doesn't have a punchline walks into a bar.

He looked a bit gloomy. The bartender decides not to comment on this at first and just asks: "What can I get you?" The joke replies: "A beer please" - "ok, coming up". The bartender proceeds to take a glass out of the shelf and pours the joke a nice and cold beer. "Here you go". - "Thanks".

A...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.