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You guys hear about the medication for premature ejaculation?

You can get it with expedited shipping so it should come quickly...

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

My roommate couldn’t remember whether he took his anti anxiety medication or not.

I said, “Are you worried about it?”

My mother's sister is on heavy duty medication for schizophrenia.

I call her Aunty Psychotic.

What's the name of the erectile dysfunction medication used in Pokemon?

PP up

My daughter used to be scared of her anti-depressant medication.

But now look at her - she takes it like a Lexapro.

Why does Donald Trump need anxiety medication?

To prevent hispanic attacks.

I just found out that 23% of women are taking psyche medications.. I can't believe it...

That means 77% are walking around untreated.

After trying many medications, my uncle learned he is only happy when his wife is miserable

He now only takes auntie depressants.

What medication does a snake take before giving a presentation?

An antihissstamine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

New nurse at an elderly care centre: "Hey, I was checking though Bills medication list and got curious, why would a 90 year old man need viagra while staying here alone?"

Nurse 2: "It stops him rolling out of bed."

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

I ate the cats medication by accident

Don’t ask meow.

I like my women like I like my prescription medications

purchased on the street and inserted anally.

What medication are ants prescribed to deal with their low moods?

Anty depressants.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm fucked. I just dropped my wife's epilepsy medication in the washing machine.

My wife's furious. Her clothes don't fit now.

I took my wife's medication this morning, just to see what the side effects were.

Funny, it didn't make me want to sleep with my best mate..

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Ever had to force your dog into taking their medication?

It's the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know you're up to something. So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they don't bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes. But as i...

My mom was watching TV when an Ad for an Alzheimer's medication cam on...

She says to me "Grab a pencil and paper and write down this medication in case i get Alzheimer's so you know what med to give me." I said "Mom don't be silly. You have already written it down five times"

Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,

Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication,

got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, ...

I saw an alarming stat the other day. Apparently 25% of women are taking medication for some sort of mental illness . . .

That means that 75% of women are walking around unmedicated!

Why is the magnet on medication?

Because it's bipolar

Just got a new medication for my narcolepsy.

I'll let you know how well it

A thief tells his wife, "You don’t have to worry about me being arrested anymore! The doctor gave me a medication that will completely cure my criminal impulses!"

However, the next night, he is arrested for stealing a couple of iPads and a pizza. His wife comes to bail him out of prison and says, "Did you forget to take your drugs?"

The thief says, "No, I did exactly what the doctor said! ‘Take two tablets with meals’!"

My son didn't take his kleptomania medication this morning.

He took mine.

What did the urologist say to his patient who forgot to take his medication?

Urine trouble!

If Microsoft Made Medication...

10. Anyone who took them would be more vulnerable to catching viruses.
9. The drugs would cause you to collapse into unconsciousness at random times. This would be known as a "system crash."
8. It would be hard to tell if you were taking the right drug, because Microsoft would make all its med...

My medication says to store it in a cool, dark place.

So I keep it in a jazz club in Harlem.

What medication that can make people inspire you?

Aspirin

sorry guys

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had to pay $150 for the bowel prep medication before my colonoscopy.

That shit was expensive.


(Crosspost from r/funny. This fits better here.)

Did you hear about the Homeopath who forgot to take his medication?

He died of overdose

Medication

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wond...

Why are there no pharmacies in Ethiopia?

Because you need to eat food before taking medication

The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"

A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .

- I have lost my tas...

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Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused anesthesia for his root canal?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Went hiking and got a little poison ivy on myself.

When I went to the pharmacy to pick up some medication I had to make a rash decision.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Doctor drives by a small town.

A Doctor drives by a small town. He stops at a gas station and notices there is no one there.
A little kid passes by and tells him the gas station is closed because everyone is at the funeral of the owner's daughter.

Since he was out of gas, he decided to stay for the night and goes to t...

A man goes to see his psychiatrist because of a dream he keeps on having.

"Every night I go to sleep I dream of a group of cats playing soccer in my backyard," The man says. "I don't know what it means... I lover soccer, but I hate cats."

"Well," said the doctor. "I'm not sure what your dreams mean, either. But if they're bothering you so much, I can prescribe yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband and wife are in a terrible car crash

The wife walks away with some minor cuts and bruises, but the husband is in critical condition and is rushed into surgery.

After 5 or 6 hours in the waiting room, the wife sees the doctor approaching in blood-stained scrubs.

"I've got good news and bad news," he says. "Which would you ...

The sun is singing, the birds are blazing, the trees are shouting...

I think I may have taken the wrong medication.

A joke I heard recently about depression:

One day, a man is so sick and tired of the usual routine that he decides to finally take action and seek a doctor for psychological help.

He goes to the doctor and confesses for the first time the feelings which haunt his daily life: how he perceives the world is harsh and cruel, how he feels...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man rushes home from the doctor's

He runs straight to the bedroom to find his wife.

"Great news." He said, "The doctor told me that I need daily sex medication.

His wife, confused, picks up the doctor's note and says,

"This says dyslexia medication you fucking idiot."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John gets a bee sting on his dick.

He and wife go to the doctor. As the doctor is finishing up, wife takes him to the side and says - can you only give medication for the pain and leave the swelling as it is ?

A man and a woman are laying in bed

They are both senior citizens and have begun losing their memory.

One day they went to the doctor to ask if they can remedy their memory loss in any way and the doctor said that no medication could help so the best thing they can start doing is writing things down to help them remember.
...

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Punch line first

Years ago this radio station was having a contest about the best punch line.
Everyone was calling in telling a jokes punchline first and whoever had the best punchline won a prize and got to tell their joke on the air.

So all these random punchlines where called in about the rabbi said t...

An elderly couple started losing their memory.

They went to the doctor together to look into it. “Your memory loss is pretty bad. I’ll give you some medication for now, but in the meantime I suggest to start writing things down when you need to remember them”.

The couple reluctantly took the medication and went home, refusing to accept th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...

This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medi...

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Yo Mama's so Stupid......

Now that I've got your attention , I wanna talk to you guys about Psychological factors are responsible for Erectile Dysfunction

Psychological factors are responsible for about 10%-20% of all cases of erectile dysfunction, or ED. It is often a secondary reaction to an underlying physical caus...

My wife keeps telling me I need anger management

My psychiatrist keeps telling me I don’t have a wife and I need stronger medication for my hallucinations.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A veteran is being interviewed for a job...

and it looks like hes going to get it. When the interviewer asks

I. Do you have any medical issues we should know about?

V. When I was in the war my testicles were blown off. I take pills for it so its not an issue though. Only problem is I cant drink coffee now. The caffeine will int...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor with a huge lasting headache, "I can't live with it anymore doc, please find out what's wrong".

So the doctor ran some tests, and after carefully studying the results, he presented the bad news to the patient. "It seems you have a very rare nervous disease near your testicles causing your headache. You have two options; either we cut off your testes or I can put you on very heavy pain medicati...

A reporter is standing at the edge of a cliff contemplating suicide[Long]

a reporter in a small town is standing on the edge of a cliff contemplating suicide when as he is about to jump a road worker approaches him and asks "Are you going to jump?" The reporter replies "yep, there hasn't been a story in this town for years and I'm tired of it." The road worker thinks for ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Google buys local Pizzeria

“Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?”

“No sir, it's Google Pizza – we bought Gordon’s Pizza last month. Do you want your usual, sir?”

“My usual? You know me?”

“According to our caller ID data, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with cheese, sausage, peppero...

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery...

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery. She was in pre-op and asked the nurse if there was any way she could administer the anesthesia medication herself. To which the nurse replied "I am not sure, I will go ask the surgeon." The nurse leaves to check with the surgeon....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald Trump visited the White House doctor...

**Trump:** I got a problem doc, my penis has turned orange!!

**Dr Jackson:** Sounds bad. I better take a look.

**Trump:** (drops his shorts) Bad enough my face is orange but if this gets out I'm sunk with the ladies....whaddaya think, doc?.

**Dr Jackson:** (takes a look) Yep,...

So I am opening an Italian style restaurant.

Every item on the menu is going to be medication themed.

I am gonna call it.... Big Parma.

A lady goes to a doctor...

"Doc, I have high fever. Can you give some medications?"

"Just walk in the rain, eat some ice-cream, drink cold-water..."

"What! Will my fever go away then?"

"No, you'll catch Pneumonia. I have the medication for it."

This weekend we saw a crocodile that had trouble swimming,

Does anyone know where we can find medication for a reptile dysfunction?

The Chinese pharmacist

A man sends his wife to pick up his erectile dysfunction medication.

She gets back and they get undressed and get down to business.

The wife stops and says “our new pharmacist is a very nice Chinese man but talks too much politics but don’t worry, I made sure your pills aren’t made i...

I walked into the doctor's office one day.

"It appears that you are severely depressed, so I reccomend you take some medication for this..." the doctor told me, writing something down.

I asked, "How much longer do I have to live?"

Confused, the doctor replied "Sir, besides depression, you're actually very healthy."

I a...

A farmer is having trouble getting his bull to mate.

He goes to the vet, and the vet gives him some medication, and tells him to mix it in the bull's food. Within a day, the bull is going around the pasture, humping every cow he can find. The farmer's neighbor stops by and says, "Looks like you solved the problem with your bull." The farmer says, "Yea...

Jacob and Rebecca

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The p...

A woman walks into a doctor's office

"Doc, I have a real problem. I fart all the time! Just constantly. But what's weird is, all my farts are silent, and don't smell at all. I've farted five times since I've sat down in here and you haven't noticed! Can you help me at all?"

The doctor gives the woman some medication, and the nex...

My doctor must be a very visual person,

Whenever I have a cold he holds out my medication and says "vitamins, see".

A man with a nervous facial twitch is auditioning for a part in a play

Every few seconds his cheek spasms and one eye squints.

The director of the play says "How do you expect me to give you a part if you keep doing that?"

The man replies "I actually have a medication for it, please wait one moment while I take it." He reaches into his right pocket and pu...

There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola:

The directions say the medication must be taken with food.

An old woman goes to the doctor..

She complains that "I've been farting all the time. It doesn't smell and no one can hear it... but I just want to get the problem fixed."

The doctor writes her a prescription and tells her to come back in two weeks after taking her medication.

She comes back after two weeks and says ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to the doctor for some help dealing with my premature ejaculation.

He gave me some advice, a few brochures to read, and a prescription for some medication that might help.

Two weeks later, he called me to ask how it was going.

I said, "It's still touch and go."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tommy goes to the doctor complaining about increased appetite and insatiable hunger.

The doctor asks for the symptoms and diagnoses that he has tapeworms. The doctor prescribes medication and asks to meet him in a week. Tommy comes back and says that it was ineffective and that he still feels hungry all the time.

The doctor prescribes new stronger medicine but even then T...

My psychiatrist explained why I was depressed

Doctor: I believe you are feeling isolated, lonely, and inadequate because your body is going through extreme hormonal changes. This is very common.

Me: Really? It's made me worried on top of everything else.

Doctor: I can recommend some medication to try and stabilize your hormones, b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

26 groaners

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



3. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still....

Suppositories

Clarence was a farmer who lived during a period when few medications were available. When a county Doctor examined him, he found a severe case of hemorrhoids. The Doc told him he had samples of a new treatment called suppositories and gave him a handful. When Clarence next saw the Doctor at church, ...

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I'm Afraid of Graveyards

It was a chilly February evening. I had just arrived home from a long day at work and threw open the door on my house. My Rottweiler jumped on me, and before I even took off my coat we were going on a walk. We passed the graveyard. A fresh grave had been dug immediately adjacent to the entrance, and...

A joke that is too long and doesn't have a punchline walks into a bar.

He looked a bit gloomy. The bartender decides not to comment on this at first and just asks: "What can I get you?" The joke replies: "A beer please" - "ok, coming up". The bartender proceeds to take a glass out of the shelf and pours the joke a nice and cold beer. "Here you go". - "Thanks".

A...

I like my women like I like my job

Sometimes I have trouble holding it down, and it involves a lot of medication.

Btw: I work in the pharmaceutical industry

Grandma and her birth control pills

Grandma scheduled the first visit with the new doctor in town. The doctor's office told her to bring a list of her medications with her for the consultation. The doctor was reading the list and came upon one prescription. "Pardon me, but do you realize these are birth control pills?" asked the do...

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Virtuality vs Reality.

Teenage son comes to his father and asks:

Dad, I heard words on TV like ''virtuality'' and "reality'' and I don't know what do they mean?
Explain to me please.

Father: Well, son let me show you.

Father calls his wife and asks:

Look woman, situation like this - Family ...

A man walks into a doctor's office with stomach problems

The doctor runs some tests and tells the man it can be solved, but he has to take a suppository once a day for two weeks. The doctor inserts the first one to show the patient how it is done.

The next day the man is trying to insert the medication, but is too squeamish to do it. So he asks hi...

My friend has gotten twelve auditions for movies in the last week alone.

I asked him how and all he could say was "It's this new medication". He never told me what it was, but I could safely assume that it was a fast acting drug.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Larry decides to go see a doctor

He's been experiencing severe pain in his right elbow, so he thinks he should go see a doctor. He tells his best friend about his plan.

'Don't go to the doctor's, they don't know shit,' says his best friend. 'There's this new computer at the pharmacy on the corner of the street. You just have...

The New Doctor

A 85 year old lady has to go to a new doctor, and he is reviewing her file and the list of medications she is on, and finds in the long list that she is on the contraceptive pill.
"Why are you on the pill at your age?" he asks
"Well it helps me to sleep at night" she replies
The doctor is s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Miracle Machine

A guy is talking to a work buddy in the bar. The guy says, "man my wrist is killing me! I want to go to a doctor but im scared that the bill will be too high." The buddy says, "well you are in luck man! i heard from my wife that a new pharmacy just opened up and they have a machine that with just a ...

A moth flies into a Paediatrician's office...

Upon entering, he takes a seat and begins talking.

Moth: Doc, my life is coming apart. The wife has become very distant and my kids are giving me no notice. I'm starting to get really depressed all the time. I've been taking medication but it isn't helping.

The Paediatrician is confuse...

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After months of deliberation a Surgeon decides to put his elderly father into an old age home.

after a week he goes for a visit. He reviews his fathers chart at the end of his bed and sees that among the medications he is taking Viagra is one. The Surgeon approaches his fathers nurse and asks if his dad has met someone.
The nurse says no, we give him Viagra so he doesn't roll out of bed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor

The receptionist asks him what he's there for, and the man whispers "my dick's orange."

The receptionist is a bit shocked, but tells him to go into examination room #1.

The doctor comes into the room shortly after, reads his chart, and says "Is this a joke?"

The man shakes his h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

> 40-ish........................................49

> Adventurous...................................Slept with everyone

> Athletic......................................No tits

> Average looking...............................Moooo

> Beautiful....................

The Greatest Old Guy Joke of all Time

There was an old guy who took suppositories as a medication. One time he went to a resaurant with his wife, she said,"What is a suppository doing in your ear." The old man says,"Oh! now I know where my hearing aids are!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tennis Elbow (You might have heard it, but it's my personal favorite [worth the read])

Jerry walks into work after a three day weekend. He's complaining about his right arm hurting. He's new, and his health insurance hasn't kicked in yet, so he wants to avoid going to the doctor.

His coworker tells him not to worry.. "There's this new machine down at the pharmacy. You bring...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

the Steel Guitar Network - Church Bulletin Bloopers

Church Ladies With typewriters ...

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
____________________________________________...

So a woman goes to the doctor because her husband has lost his libido.

Woman: We haven't made love in over 6 months, and I have needs!

Doctor: No problem, I have the perfect medication for him. Just take one of these little red pills, crush it up and put it in his coffee, and let me know how it goes.

Three days later the doctor receives a phone call.
...

A married woman goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, I hear voices inside my head!"

Doctor: "what do the voices say?"

Woman: "they say 'kill your husband"

Doctor: "Ok, that's not good. I'm going to start you immediately on a psychiatric medication. Come back and see me in one week."

One week later, the woman goes back to the same doctor and says: "I'm still hea...