The 82+ Best Prescription Jokes

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"One cigarette each time you have sex" was the doctor's prescription.

That's how I quit smoking.

Dad had the opportunity to buy his medications directly from the pharmacy company. "Here is your prescription sir, that will be $515 dollars." Dad was a bit hard of hearing so he only heard the $15. He dropped that amount on the counter and left. The clerk yelled "Wait sir, $515 dollars!"

But Dad was already gone so they reported it to the manager. "Should we call the police sir?" "No, $5 profit is better than nothing."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My pharmacist mixed up my prescription for Ritalin with Viagra.

I tried to pay attention but it was really hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve went to doctor and after an exam he picked his prescription

When he came home, he opens the box and sees that "pills" look a bit strange. Asks wife and she cannot figure them either. So he calls doctor.

\- "Hi doctor, I got prescription today but pills are strange and don't look like something I could swallow."

\- "That's because those are not ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My husband came back with a prescription for Dailysex

I had to tell him it was for Dyslexia

I had a ford Fiesta once, then I left my prescription of Adderall in the glove box overnight,

when I came out in the morning, I had a Ford Focus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the guy with anger issues say when he got his prescription for a laxative?

“If take this I’d lose my shit!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that Viagra prescriptions are given at a higher rate in nursing homes than anywhere else?

It helps the men stop rolling out of bed!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prescription

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks "What for? "She says "I want to kill my husband ". He says "Sorry, I can't do that. "She then reaches inter her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him. He says, "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the proctologist who went to write a prescription but realized he was holding an anal thermometer?

Yeah, some asshole stole his pen.

My doctor gave me a prescription for this new hormone replacement therapy.

Turns out it also helps with toothaches. It's trans-and-dental medication.

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

I told my doctor that I was a bit disappointed that my Viagara prescription wasn't working

He said "don't worry mate, just hold your head up and you'll be fine!"

President Trump goes to his doctor to get a prescription for hydroxychloroquine.

He asks his doctor, "Doctor, I heard that this medicine is bad for your heart."
His doctor replies, "Don't worry, you don't have a heart, so it can't affect you."
President Trump thinks about it for a moment, feels relieved, and agrees.

He then asks, "Doctor, I h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.

Grandma's taking it pretty hard.

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

"Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"

The earliest memory I have is going with my dad to get prescription glasses.

Life before that is a blur.

The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband comes home from his doctor's appointment telling his wife that he has a prescription for daily sex.

She grabs the script and says 'Nice try, this for dyslexia' !!!

Wrong Prescription!

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

What do you call a prescription opioid abuser who realise their stupidity but won't stop anyway?

an oxymoron

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets a prescription for Viagra...

That night he takes a big dose, and he and his wife have a wild night of passion.

The next morning, his wife says to him, "Dear, how about I make us some breakfast? Eggs, bacon, toast, maybe some fresh fruit?" The husband replies, " You know, I'm not really hungry. Maybe it's a side effect...

Why do people pay extra money for prescription cabinets?

All of mine are over the counter...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor is about to write a prescription for his patient.

The Dr reaches in his shirt pocket and pulls out a thermometer. He looks at it confused for a second and then looks at the patient and says, shit, some asshole must have my pen!

Prescription drug recall

The pharmaceutical company AvKare has issued a recall for two of their drugs which were accidentally switched. An antidepressant and a drug to treat erectile dysfunction.

This explains why my grandfather has been so moody yet my grandmother has been so happy!

Why is it so hard for programmers to get a prescription for pain killers?

They have a history with codeine.

My grandpa left to pick up his prescription across town.

About 10 minutes later I saw a wrong way driver on the news. I got worried since my grandpa had to take that route to get to the pharmacy and called quickly to warn him.

Me: "Grandpa be careful on I-94 there's a man driving in the wrong direction."

Grandpa: "It's not just one! There a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Prescription to Happiness

A woman finds herself extremely depressed. No matter what she does she can’t seem to find joy. Constantly sad and with no hope, she decides to go to the doctor to see what he can do for her.

So the woman arrives at the doctor, and starts to explain her symptoms. The doctor, knowing full well ...

Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one.

Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's.

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the doctor gave me a prescription for my weird fetish

It was really helpful since i like putting my penis in empty bottles.

What can fill a prescription and loosen a lock?

A key mist

I replaced all my grandma's prescription pills with jelly beans as a practical joke

and now she's pranking me back by pretending to be dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Married man here, just got a prescription for 9 Viagra...

Or as I like to call it, a lifetime supply.

Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

how do you know when a prescription is being written for bulimia?

when the directions for use say take one pill twice a day

I WENT to the chemist to pick up a prescription..

The pharmacist said to me, “When taking this medication you may experience irritability, and pain in your hand and wrist. And that’s just from trying to get the cap off.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to his doctor's office on a Friday and asks for him to triple his Viagra prescription.

The doctor asks why, and the man explains that his ex-wife, his current girlfriend, and an old flame will all be in town that weekend. The doctor says that it's against his better judgment, but reluctantly triples the prescription.
On Monday the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor just wrote me a prescription for liquid viagra.

Looking forward to pouring myself a stiff one.

#IllShowMyselfOut.

Did you hear about the guy who assaulted a reposter on a prescription drug sub?

He was a pharma karma farmer harmer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra..

"How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intercourse."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety ye...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was the woman's reaction to finding her husband's Viagra prescription?

She took it really hard.

What do you call an idiot who steals prescription drugs from pharmacies?

An oxy-moron

Why do you have to have a prescription for eyeglasses?

Can't you just eyeball it?

Why did the programmer get a new lens prescription?

Because he couldn't see sharp.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor was having trouble writing my prescription

I said: "Doctor, you've got a rectal thermometer in your hand!"

He replied: "Dammit! Some asshole's got my pen!"

Deleted and reposting myself due to a typo in the title

So when my friends ask me what my prescription is for my glasses...

I would always say “I don’t know.”
So I asked my dad what my prescription was so now when someone asks me what it is I say,

“My dad said my prescription is I don’t know.”

The bear in our local zoo is losing his eyesight, so the zookeeper decided to try some prescription glasses on him.

It’s quite a grizzly spectacle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a new prescription out for people addicted to anal

It's called trinoasitol.

Why did the actor in the prescription drug commercial cross the road?

To get to the other side effects.

Took my dog to the eyecare store to fill a prescription. When we got there they asked why my dog was getting glasses

I said, "Because insurance doesn't cover contacts."

My new family doctor wrote me a prescription

... and I was able to read all of it perfectly, disappointed by how underqualified medical professionals are these days.

My Doctor just diagnosed me with Affluenza then handed me a prescription that says:

"Take whatever you want, whenever you want."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy sees his doctor about his Viagra prescription...

Doctor: How have you felt since taking Viagra?

Guy: I've felt great! Sex is better than it's been in years!

Doctor: So, you haven't been suffering from blurred vision?

Guy: Suffering? Have you seen my wife?

Sometimes, I think I'm the only member of my family not doped up on prescription drugs all the time.

Then I usually take my amnesiac meds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex could be fatal...

An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.

He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.

The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man goes to the doctor for a prescription for Viagra.

The doctor runs some tests and finds him to be healthy enough for sexual activity, and writes him the script. As the old man is leaving the doctor's office he asks if he can cut the pills into fourths. The doctor, a little confused, remarks "I don't think you'll be able to achieve an erection with...

So a woman makes an appointment to see her doctor...

She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says,

"Doctor, I've got a problem that i am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the...

An old lady goes to the doctor.

She mentions that no matter what, when she farts, they are always silent and don't smell.

To illustrate her point she lets one go.

Old lady: see doctor it was silent and I don't smell anything.

Doctor: I see, I am going to give you a prescription, then I want you to come back i...

Would anyone like some prescription drugs?

Tiger Wood

A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide...

A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. The pharmacist is shocked and said “what do you need cyanide for?”

“I plan to poison my husband”, she tells him. “I’m sorry, but there’s absolutely no way I can give you cyanide for that” the pharmacist says angrily.

The woman reaches ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Proctologist is giving an exam...

A Proctologist is giving an exam, and as he is nearing the end of the patient's visit, he goes to write a prescription. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out, to his surprise, a rectal thermometer.
He looks at it and, exclaims, "Damn it! Some asshole has my pen!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve goes to his doctor...

Steve goes to his doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces the proud physician, "You take some pills, and your problems are history." ...

A guy with bad gas goes to the doctor

He says “doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop farting. It’s the weirdest thing, they don’t smell, and there’s no sound, but they won’t stop. I’ve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didn’t even notice”

The doc writes him a prescription and says “take this and come back in a wee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to see his doctor

"I'm stressed out by the most simple social interactions," he says.

"Very common," says his doctor. "I'll write you a prescription. Your insurance covers that."

"Sometimes I hear voices telling me to hurt myself and others," he says.

"That's fine as well," says the doctor, scrat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.

"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."

The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.

Then another woman walks into the office and takes...

Doctors

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor started to ask her the usual questions, about symptoms, when she interrupted him: “Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?” ...

Grandmother gets a new doctor.

The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.

As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription fo...

My sense of humor is rubbing off on my dog.

She met me at the door when I came home from work yesterday. I told her “Hi Xander, I’m hungry.”

She looked up at me and said “Hi hungry, I’m Xander.”

Maybe not refilling my prescription wasn’t such a great idea after all…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pharmaceutical company began clinical trials for a new sedative.

The goal was to develop a non-prescription drug that provided perfectly smooth, calming relaxation with just one pill. On the first day of trials, the lab assistant realized they had forgotten to pick up the sugar pills that were needed for the placebo. The lead researcher was furious! Most stores i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

A woman with a rare heart condition walks into the doctor’s office

The doctor concludes that her heart is very weak and prescribes her a male pill that boost testosterone.

“This should strengthen your heart,” the doctor says. “Come by in a month or two to see me for a checkup.”

A month passes and the woman returns to the doctor’s office. “Doctor,” sh...

A woman walks into a pharmacy

She approaches the pharmacist and says:
- I need three boxes of Acebutolol.

The pharmacist was shocked and asked:
- It's a very strong beta blocker, why do you need so much?

The woman replied:
- I want to kill my husband.

The pharmacist was shocked now even more and h...

Optometrist

After several months of “gentle encouragement” from my partner, I finally went to see the eye doctor.

First she did a pressure test, blowing a puff of air into each eye and carefully observing my responses on a monitor.
Then she examined each eye with the little hand-held lights.

Th...

Mrs. Smith walks into a pharmacy and asks to buy poison

'Dear lady, why would you want to buy poison?' asks the pharmacist.

'To kill my husband!'

'I can't sell you poison so you can kill someone!'

As an answer to that, Mrs. Smith puts a picture on the counter where one can clearly see a man and a woman in bed. The man in question is ...

A horse goes to the vet complaining about stomach pains.

After some tests, the vet confirms it's a parasite. He gives the horse a prescription and tells him to come back if the problem persists.

The horse looks at the prescription, and becomes visibly nervous. "A dewomer? Are you sure it's safe?"

"Positive," says the vet, "it's been tested o...

I went to the shop..

.. to buy a gun, 100 bullets and a Tylenol...

I was refused Tylenol without a prescription.

A joke I came up with in my sleep today

A guy goes to see his doctor and after discussing the problem, the doctor hands him his prescription.

Guy: "Wow, this is the most legible prescription I've ever seen, doc!"

Doctor: "Mfhm sremn emsfn."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.