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Prescription Jokes

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"One cigarette each time you have sex" was the doctor's prescription.

That's how I quit smoking.

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

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Prescription

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks "What for? "She says "I want to kill my husband ". He says "Sorry, I can't do that. "She then reaches inter her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him. He says, "...

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My husband came back with a prescription for Dailysex

I had to tell him it was for Dyslexia

Wrong Prescription!

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

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Steve went to doctor and after an exam he picked his prescription

When he came home, he opens the box and sees that "pills" look a bit strange. Asks wife and she cannot figure them either. So he calls doctor.

\- "Hi doctor, I got prescription today but pills are strange and don't look like something I could swallow."

\- "That's because those are not ...

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The Prescription to Happiness

A woman finds herself extremely depressed. No matter what she does she can’t seem to find joy. Constantly sad and with no hope, she decides to go to the doctor to see what he can do for her.

So the woman arrives at the doctor, and starts to explain her symptoms. The doctor, knowing full well ...

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My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know

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My pharmacist mixed up my prescriptions

She crossed up my Viagra and FloMax bottles. Now I don't know weather I'm coming or going.

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My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.

Grandma's taking it pretty hard.

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A doctor goes to write a prescription...

He reaches into his pocket to take out his pen, but finds a rectal thermometer instead. Annoyed, he complains, "Some asshole stole my pen!"

I had a ford Fiesta once, then I left my prescription of Adderall in the glove box overnight,

when I came out in the morning, I had a Ford Focus.

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

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What did the guy with anger issues say when he got his prescription for a laxative?

“If take this I’d lose my shit!”

Prescription drug recall

The pharmaceutical company AvKare has issued a recall for two of their drugs which were accidentally switched. An antidepressant and a drug to treat erectile dysfunction.

This explains why my grandfather has been so moody yet my grandmother has been so happy!

My doctor gave me a prescription for this new hormone replacement therapy.

Turns out it also helps with toothaches. It's trans-and-dental medication.

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My pharmacist mixed up my prescription for Ritalin with Viagra.

I tried to pay attention but it was really hard

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Did you know that Viagra prescriptions are given at a higher rate in nursing homes than anywhere else?

It helps the men stop rolling out of bed!

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Did you hear the one about the proctologist who went to write a prescription but realized he was holding an anal thermometer?

Yeah, some asshole stole his pen.

Why do people pay extra money for prescription cabinets?

All of mine are over the counter...

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A doctor is about to write a prescription for his patient.

The Dr reaches in his shirt pocket and pulls out a thermometer. He looks at it confused for a second and then looks at the patient and says, shit, some asshole must have my pen!

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

I told my doctor that I was a bit disappointed that my Viagara prescription wasn't working

He said "don't worry mate, just hold your head up and you'll be fine!"

The earliest memory I have is going with my dad to get prescription glasses.

Life before that is a blur.

What can fill a prescription and loosen a lock?

A key mist

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Married man here, just got a prescription for 9 Viagra...

Or as I like to call it, a lifetime supply.

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Got gas?

A guy walks into a proctologist's office and says, "Doc, my farts don't smell. Could it be a new stomach virus?"

The doctor ushers him into a small exam room, closes the door and instructs him to pass gas. The man grunts and lets loose a mighty bafoon. The doctor immediately takes out his pad...

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Husband comes home from his doctor's appointment telling his wife that he has a prescription for daily sex.

She grabs the script and says 'Nice try, this for dyslexia' !!!

I WENT to the chemist to pick up a prescription..

The pharmacist said to me, “When taking this medication you may experience irritability, and pain in your hand and wrist. And that’s just from trying to get the cap off.”

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

Why is it so hard for programmers to get a prescription for pain killers?

They have a history with codeine.

My grandpa left to pick up his prescription across town.

About 10 minutes later I saw a wrong way driver on the news. I got worried since my grandpa had to take that route to get to the pharmacy and called quickly to warn him.

Me: "Grandpa be careful on I-94 there's a man driving in the wrong direction."

Grandpa: "It's not just one! There a...

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the doctor gave me a prescription for my weird fetish

It was really helpful since i like putting my penis in empty bottles.

Why did the programmer get a new lens prescription?

Because he couldn't see sharp.

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What was the woman's reaction to finding her husband's Viagra prescription?

She took it really hard.

The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

Why do you have to have a prescription for eyeglasses?

Can't you just eyeball it?

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My doctor was having trouble writing my prescription

I said: "Doctor, you've got a rectal thermometer in your hand!"

He replied: "Dammit! Some asshole's got my pen!"


Deleted and reposting myself due to a typo in the title

how do you know when a prescription is being written for bulimia?

when the directions for use say take one pill twice a day

What do you call a prescription opioid abuser who realise their stupidity but won't stop anyway?

an oxymoron

Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

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My doctor just wrote me a prescription for liquid viagra.

Looking forward to pouring myself a stiff one.

#IllShowMyselfOut.

President Trump goes to his doctor to get a prescription for hydroxychloroquine.

He asks his doctor, "Doctor, I heard that this medicine is bad for your heart."
His doctor replies, "Don't worry, you don't have a heart, so it can't affect you."
President Trump thinks about it for a moment, feels relieved, and agrees.




He then asks, "Doctor, I h...

Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one.

Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's.

What do you call an idiot who steals prescription drugs from pharmacies?

An oxy-moron

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There's a new prescription out for people addicted to anal

It's called trinoasitol.

My new family doctor wrote me a prescription

... and I was able to read all of it perfectly, disappointed by how underqualified medical professionals are these days.

So when my friends ask me what my prescription is for my glasses...

I would always say “I don’t know.”
So I asked my dad what my prescription was so now when someone asks me what it is I say,

“My dad said my prescription is I don’t know.”

Did you hear about the guy who assaulted a reposter on a prescription drug sub?

He was a pharma karma farmer harmer.

Would anyone like some prescription drugs?

Tiger Wood

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Sex could be fatal...

An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.

He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.

The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstin...

What do you call a large farmer that also sells prescription drugs?

Big Farma.

My insurance wouldn't cover the my Viagara prescription, so I had to get the generic brand.

Mydixadril

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A man goes to his doctor's office on a Friday and asks for him to triple his Viagra prescription.

The doctor asks why, and the man explains that his ex-wife, his current girlfriend, and an old flame will all be in town that weekend. The doctor says that it's against his better judgment, but reluctantly triples the prescription.
On Monday the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor j...

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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra..

"How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intercourse."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety ye...

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So a guy sees his doctor about his Viagra prescription...

Doctor: How have you felt since taking Viagra?

Guy: I've felt great! Sex is better than it's been in years!

Doctor: So, you haven't been suffering from blurred vision?

Guy: Suffering? Have you seen my wife?

My Doctor just diagnosed me with Affluenza then handed me a prescription that says:

"Take whatever you want, whenever you want."

The bear in our local zoo is losing his eyesight, so the zookeeper decided to try some prescription glasses on him.

It’s quite a grizzly spectacle.

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A guy goes to see his doctor

"I'm stressed out by the most simple social interactions," he says.

"Very common," says his doctor. "I'll write you a prescription. Your insurance covers that."

"Sometimes I hear voices telling me to hurt myself and others," he says.

"That's fine as well," says the doctor, scrat...

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An old man goes to the doctor for a prescription for Viagra.

The doctor runs some tests and finds him to be healthy enough for sexual activity, and writes him the script. As the old man is leaving the doctor's office he asks if he can cut the pills into fourths. The doctor, a little confused, remarks "I don't think you'll be able to achieve an erection with...

So a woman makes an appointment to see her doctor...

She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says,

"Doctor, I've got a problem that i am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the...

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A Proctologist is giving an exam...

A Proctologist is giving an exam, and as he is nearing the end of the patient's visit, he goes to write a prescription. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out, to his surprise, a rectal thermometer.
He looks at it and, exclaims, "Damn it! Some asshole has my pen!"

A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide...

A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. The pharmacist is shocked and said “what do you need cyanide for?”

“I plan to poison my husband”, she tells him. “I’m sorry, but there’s absolutely no way I can give you cyanide for that” the pharmacist says angrily.

The woman reaches ...

Took my dog to the eyecare store to fill a prescription. When we got there they asked why my dog was getting glasses

I said, "Because insurance doesn't cover contacts."

An old lady goes to the doctor.

She mentions that no matter what, when she farts, they are always silent and don't smell.

To illustrate her point she lets one go.

Old lady: see doctor it was silent and I don't smell anything.

Doctor: I see, I am going to give you a prescription, then I want you to come back i...

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A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the ...

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A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.

"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."

The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.

Then another woman walks into the office and takes...

Sometimes, I think I'm the only member of my family not doped up on prescription drugs all the time.

Then I usually take my amnesiac meds.

A joke I came up with in my sleep today

A guy goes to see his doctor and after discussing the problem, the doctor hands him his prescription.

Guy: "Wow, this is the most legible prescription I've ever seen, doc!"

Doctor: "Mfhm sremn emsfn."

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A woman has a farting problem,she farts a lot,she went to see a doctor

A woman has a farting problem,she farts a lot,she went to see a doctor,when it was her turn she entered.

The doctor: Hello,is everything okay,what's the problem?

The woman: you see doc,my problem is that i fart a lot,but the good thing is my farts have no smell, and my evidence is si...

A guy with bad gas goes to the doctor

He says “doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop farting. It’s the weirdest thing, they don’t smell, and there’s no sound, but they won’t stop. I’ve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didn’t even notice”

The doc writes him a prescription and says “take this and come back in a wee...

A horse goes to the vet complaining about stomach pains.

After some tests, the vet confirms it's a parasite. He gives the horse a prescription and tells him to come back if the problem persists.

The horse looks at the prescription, and becomes visibly nervous. "A dewomer? Are you sure it's safe?"

"Positive," says the vet, "it's been tested o...

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I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

My sense of humor is rubbing off on my dog.

She met me at the door when I came home from work yesterday. I told her “Hi Xander, I’m hungry.”

She looked up at me and said “Hi hungry, I’m Xander.”

Maybe not refilling my prescription wasn’t such a great idea after all…

An Elderly Woman Goes to the Doctor [long]

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and he asks her what the problem is.

"Well, you see, lately I have been having terrible problems with gas. Fortunately, they're very quiet and they have no odor. In fact, you'd probably be surprised to know that I've passed wind 4 times since you've come ...

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I asked my wife to talk to her doctor about a treatment that would make her more interested in sex...

...she came home and dropped a prescription bottle of diet pills on my lap with MY name on it.

Doctors

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor started to ask her the usual questions, about symptoms, when she interrupted him: “Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?” ...

Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on his homeopathic medicine?

He forgot to pick up his prescription.

Mrs. Smith walks into a pharmacy and asks to buy poison

'Dear lady, why would you want to buy poison?' asks the pharmacist.

'To kill my husband!'

'I can't sell you poison so you can kill someone!'

As an answer to that, Mrs. Smith puts a picture on the counter where one can clearly see a man and a woman in bed. The man in question is ...

I went to the shop..

.. to buy a gun, 100 bullets and a Tylenol...


I was refused Tylenol without a prescription.

Grandmother gets a new doctor.

The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.

As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription fo...

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Karen back at it again

Karen pays a rare visit to the doctor one morning.

The doctor, surprised, asks: “What seems to be the problem, Karen?”

Karen responds, “Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart ALL the time.”

The Doctor nods, “Hmm.”

“My farts do not stink and are silent, but I fart all ...

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A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for arsenic.

The pharmacist then asks what she needs it for, to which she replies: "I want to use it to poison my husband. The pharmacist says "Ma'am, I can not give you arsenic for that reason." The woman then pulls a photograph from her purse and hands it to him. It was a picture of two people having sex; the ...

A patient goes to his doctor

A patient goes to his doctor and says,

Patient: Doctor the first medicine you've written in the prescription is not available anywhere. I've been to almost all the parmacies.

Doctor: Oh! That's not a medicine. I was just scribbling to check if the pen was working or not.

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