UPJOKE
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Consideration Jokes

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were talking.

The Chinese man is proudly telling the Jewish man about his heritage. “We can trace our history back for over 3,000 years,” he exclaims with pride!

“We’ll, that’s very impressive,” replies the Jewish man, “but our history goes back for almost 6,000 years!”

The Chinese man, after some c...

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

After much consideration, I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I don't think I'm strong enough

So today I put in my too-weak notice

I need a raise.

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. ...

A top Honda executive was told to resign or be fired amidst a scandal

After much consideration, she decided to leave by her own Accord.

After some careful consideration during breakfast this morning, I realized that Froot Loops should have been called...

Queerios

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George Pell's age is being taken into consideration for his sentencing.

Unlike George Pell's choice of sexual partner.

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Stingy old lawyer

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He in...

After much consideration, I do not believe Wolverine in the X-Men movies is real.

It's obviously just a huge act, man.

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A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he se...

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

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Gift for sweetheart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for her
birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration
he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but
not too personal.

Accompanied by the sweetheart's sister, he w...

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.   

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.   

After careful consideration by a team of...

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

A guy goes into a restaurant for lunch.

After careful consideration, he decides he will have a bowl of the day's soup. The waiter praises him for his decision.

"Ah, excellent choice. The chef makes the soup fresh each day from only the freshest, locally-sourced ingredients. It is completely organic, and there are no additives or pr...

Squirrels and Religion

Squirrels and Religion

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.



At...

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Guys without balls applies for a job

"You're hired! Report tomorrow at 8am"
\- Thanks! There's just one detail I'd like you to know about me. I lost my balls during the war. But I can otherwise function perfectly fine.
"Ah ok, then you can come tomorrow at 9am"
\- Sir, I appreciate the consideration, but I do not expect ...

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A man was being sold a very cheap suit.

“But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too shor...

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Three vampires walk into a bar...

The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+" and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first ...

A young couple in poverty give birth to identical twins.

After much consideration they decide that the best thing for the baby boys would be to give them up for adoption so that they can have a better shot in life. One boy goes to a Spanish family who name him Juan, the second goes to an Indian family who name him Amal.

18 years pass when the birth...

A woman accompanies her husband to the doctor

A woman accompanies her husband to the doctor. After the husband's check-up, the Dr. ask's the woman if he can have a word with her in his office.

"Certainly Dr. anything for my husband", the woman replies.

The Dr. says, "Your husband is suffering from a very rare and severe disorder, ...

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he’s gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

“Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job,” he explained to her. “One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us wen...

Trade

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a
bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn
mower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle," said
the little boy.

Afte...

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning last nite. 2:30am! Can you believe it?

He was so damn lucky I was still up playing my drums or I would've lost it.
Some people have no consideration for others.

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Young Elizabeth is soon about to be crowned Queen of England. However, there is still one important thing missing: a husband. Her family and court advisors are getting increasingly worried.

Every single day court advisors approach Elizabeth and ask:

"Ma'am, have you already decided on a husband?"

To which the young future queen always answers:

"No. Why do I need a husband? I'm modern, I'm independent, and I'm about to be the Queen of England! A man would surely onl...

Did you hear about Russel Crow's recent problem with cannibalism? At first he expressed shame about consuming a mother of two.

But upon further consideration he was gladiator.

I walked into my local pub...

Much to my surprise, I noticed slabs of meat attached to the ceiling. I asked what it was all about.

The barman said “if you can jump and touch the slabs of meat on the ceiling, you win free drinks for the rest of the night. However, if you don’t reach it you have to pay up £50... how does th...

Wrapped

For Mike's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in Saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles. Soon, Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. Mike walks through the ki...

Jock McTavish is on his deathbed...

His lifelong pal McGregor is sitting vigil by his side.

With his dying breath McTavish leans over and rasps. "There's a bottle of fine whisky under my bed. When I am gone, pour it over my grave. Promise me you'll do it man."

After a moments consideration McGregor replies. "Aye Jock, I'...

Splat goes the cat

a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat ... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the hou...

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within...

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Two friends are sitting in a coffee shop.

One glances up and sees an Asian man sitting at a table nearby and says to his buddy, "I reckon that's a Japanese man over there. With his business suit and laptop."

"Hmmm, I think they're Chinese. His ponytail and long mustache gives it away." Replied his friend.

Luckily a third frien...

After having failed his exam in Logic, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my grade as is and go. If you howev...

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A 90-year-old man's friends decided to hire a prostitute for his birthday.

She ripped open his apartment door and yelled, "I'm here to give you super sex!" After a moment of consideration, the old said, "I'll take the soup!"

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The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra...

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic...

Cinderella

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, ...

An man goes in for a job interview. Unfortunately, he is told that his degree and experience are not enough and he is turned away.

The man decides he's gonna get that job whatever it takes. So he first gets large round head, big furry ears and big black nose. Then, he begins to grow grey-brown and white fur all over his body and claws extend from his fingers and toes. Finally, he thinks he's ready. So clutching his eucalyptus l...

Good old #162, the Frog Joke

Patricia Whack, a bank teller, was having an unusual day: a frog had appeared in front of her teller and asked in perfectly elocuted English, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to obtain some credits from your establishment, on consideration of this blue marble elephant as collateral."

Ms. Whack knew immed...

A blonde goes to the doctor.

A blonde goes to the doctor with the tip of her finger blown right off. After they get a bandage and fix her up, the doctor asks what happened.

"Well doc, my boyfriend left me a couple weeks ago and I was feeling really depressed, so I decided to blow my brains out. And after some considerati...

The pharoah woke up in the middle of the night kicking and screaming. Concerned for his saftey, two guards burst in! After making sure the room was safe, one guard immediately ran off to fetch the soothsayer, always close at hand.

The soothsayer quickly calmed down the pharoah and began to ask him what had him clearly so distraught.

"Oh, it was terrible!" The pharoah recounted, "The mountains shook and ungodly scream sound across the world, as though the gods themselves were yelling in torment!" A moment to steady hi...

So this guy has a pair of bunnies

So this guy has a pair of bunnies, and the bunnies are really old. One day he wakes up and both the bunnies have died. He's really sad, and he can't stand the thought of never seeing them again, so he puts them in a silk-lined box and takes them down to the local taxidermy shop. He sets the box on t...

***2020 CANCELLED***

After careful consideration, we have decided that it is no longer in the best interests of everyone involved to proceed with 2020.

While we recognize that a lot of hard work has gone into preparing for 2020, if we're honest it has just turned into a bit of a sh*tshow and we feel it best just ...

True story from an acquaintance from Zambia: Before I came to this country, I learned that the Zambian government would offer a stipend to any family with five or more children...

My wife and I had only four children. When I found out about the stipend, I came to her and admitted that, years ago soon after we married, I had been with a woman in the mountains while traveling, and that I had a son with this woman that my wife never knew about.

After cursing me up and do...

Trump should appoint Sarah Palin as the Administrator of NASA.

I know, I know, I could've stopped it there, but here's the punchline:

I mean, we must be fair and give her some consideration, because she does make a good argument: she can see the moon from her house.

Christmas decorations

Can I just ask everyone for a big favor? Those of you who are planning to place Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that is red or blue and flashing? Every time I drive by, I think it's the police and have a panic attack. I have to take my foot off the accelerat...

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A man has 3 women before him that want to be his wife,

So he gives each of them $5,000, and tells them to do whatever they want with it. "What you choose to do shall determine which one of you I marry" he says.

The first woman takes all of her $5,000 and spends it all on clothing, jewelry, lavish spa treatments and the like.

The second wom...

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Times are hard at the small office....

...and the manager needs to make a difficult decision to reduce headcount.
He has two employees in consideration; the first employee, Jack, has been with the firm for 20 years. He's rock solid, is a top performer, and is a real team player.

The other employee was only recently hired: she'...

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Sex at my place?

A horny, young boy asks his girlfriend, "Would you like to have sex at my place?"


After careful consideration, she says, "Yes!"


The boy's a little worried, so he tells her, "Great, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother. He's not very bright, so he'll probably thin...

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Guy has a massive headache and its not responsive to any medication.

After doctors researching whats wrong with him for months they finally cone to conclusion. They called the guy and deliver the news. Doctor says;

-Its good news, found the problem.

-What is it doc?

-We need to remove your penis.

Guy looks sad. But after some consideration...

Fed up with all the denouncements, God finally decides to appear in front of an atheist...

To show that he is the Allmighty and omnipotent and put the heretic to his place, God asks the atheist for one wish that he *will* grant.

Atheist, after a careful consideration, replies:

"Erase my memory of this incident."

Time flies like an arrow...

...but fruit flies like a banana.

Probably, a lot of you already know this one. But I posted it from a -- *ahem* -- 'philosophical' consideration (not a really good idea for a joke subreddit).

But I think about this joke from time to time. Not only is it a complex double pun -- flie...

There are two cats, one called 1,2,3

And another called une deux trois.
After many years of consideration, they decide to brave the swim across the English channel to visit Paris.
Two days go by, and noone has heard from either feline. Their friends in England are starting to give up hope, when they receive word that 1,2,3 has su...

A man starts a bakery

[Sorry if this joke sucks]

A man quits his tech career to pursue a life of pastry creation. After careful consideration, he picks the location, sources his ingredients, and crafts the recipes.

Everything seems in order, except for one strange fact: all his employees are hookers.
...

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doping olympics [translated from an old Russian anecdote, 2007]

Good day! We are reporting live from our special Olympics. At our Olympics there's no doping control at all. Yes, you heard it right, sportsmen are NOT tested for doping. Absolutely. So...


- Finnish sportsman has jumped 27 meters. A very good result indeed for a chess player.

- 13 ...

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