UPJOKE
regrettableunfortunateunfortunatelyworsepityfeelhardwrongbadlymalevilsorrysadalasshame

Too Bad Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend says that having a small penis is not too bad...

Nevertheless I would prefer her not having one.

Too bad Anne Frank never watched Home Alone.

It could have been a real game changer.

So there’s a man I’ve been seeing for the last couple months, and honestly, things aren’t going too badly.

Problem is, no one else can see him.

Too bad my calculator broke

I was counting on it

I got fired from the bomb squad yesterday. It's too bad really...

I had a blast working there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ran into my wife’s ex.

He smarmily asked, “How do you like that used pussy?”

I told him, “It ain’t too bad once you get past the used part.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's too bad Coronavirus isn't solely transmitted sexually

Most of Reddit would be immune

Most people say it’s not too bad to get a vasectomy.

I got one yesterday and it really hurt. I guess there’s a Vas Deference between people’s responses to the procedure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Too bad punctuations couldn’t fight each other. Imagine a match between “.” and “:”

I’d pay to see that bloody shit.

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

It's too bad my parents don't watch Game of Thrones

Because then I wouldn't be the biggest disappointment in their life.

North-Korea isn't too bad of a country

They can't complain

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wookie jerky wouldn’t be too bad

It’d just be a little Chewy

Too bad they won't allow dogs to graduate highschool.

They're just K-9.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's too bad National Constipation Day isn't more well-known...

...because currently, no one gives a shit.

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

It was too bad we could never figure out my grandfather's blood type in time.

He was so optimistic though. He kept telling us to B positive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Bill and Hillary Clinton got married, Bill informed Hillary that he had a shoebox under the bed, and she was never to open it under any circumstances. Hillary agreed and promised to never open the box.

Hillary respected his wish as the years went by and kept her promise. But after several years of marriage, Hillary's curiosity got the best of her. She opened the box and found several hundred dollars in cash, and a couple of empty beer cans.

She felt guilty, and confessed to Bill that she ha...

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

I went to a drug convention hoping to buy the drugs I saw on Breaking Bad. Too bad I couldn’t find any. All the dealers kept gossiping about two people I didn’t know.

Who cares if Chris told Meth.

A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "What's wrong, pal? You look down."

The guy sighs and says, "I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month."

The bartender says, "Gee, that's too bad. When does that start?"

"Start? Today's the last day."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a restaurant that's owned by a friend of his.

He says to his friend, "How's it going? How's the restaurant business?"

His friend says, "It's going pretty good but I got a chef that won't stop jerking off."

He tells him, "Just fire him."

"I can't. He's an amazing cook. You should try his wings. They are amazing."

"The...

I almost had a threesome with a brunette and a blonde

Too bad they weren't interested.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

I met an older woman in a bar last night...

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. A...

A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets.

Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.

On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-siz...

You lost your phone and its on silent mode?

Too bad. If you like it then you should've put a ring on it!

A man walks into a grocery store and says, "Three pounds of potatoes, please."

The cashier responds, "Sorry, we only sell kilos now."

"Ah, too bad. Three pounds of kilos, then."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer gets a letter

A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.

"Dear Ronald J. Kse,

This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide.

Thanks, you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler could've been better with his paintings.

Too bad he didn't believe in mixing colours.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW. A man went to the ice cream shop and ordered a chocolate cone...

“I’m sorry, Sir, we’re out of chocolate.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. I’ll have a chocolate cone with sprinkles then.”

“I’m sorry, Sir, but like I told you, we’re out of chocolate.”

“How about a chocolate/vanilla twist, then?”

“Let me ask you something. How do you spell the ‘va...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What a...

A woman is out playing golf...

...and she gets stung by a bee. It's annoying, but she finishes her game. Afterwards, she's having a drink in the clubhouse and mentions to one of the golf pros hanging out there what happened.

"Oh that's too bad," he says. "Where did you get stung?"

"Right between the first and sec...

I watched a video on how to improve my foreplay

It wasn't too bad once I skipped past the boring part at the beginning.

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

A ca. 800 year old joke from Islamic folklore about Mullah Nasruddin

One day, a neighbor whom Mullah Nasruddin didn't like came to see him. The neighbor asked Nasruddin, "May I borrow your donkey?"

Nasruddin did not want to lend his donkey to the neighbor he didn't like. So, he told him, "I would be glad to loan you my donkey. Unfortunately, my brother came y...

A lady decided to treat herself to a nice night at a fancy hotel

She comes into a beautiful and lavish room, and spends a relaxing evening in there. The next morning, she goes to the lobby to pay.

“700 dollars?! That’s ridiculous, no way this place is worth that much!” she exclaimed.

The desk clerk, in a tired voice, explained. “This is a top of the...

Wanna hear a dad joke?

Well, too bad. It left to go get the milk a year ago.

Today, my 10 y/o nephew proudly showed me a model airplane he had built.

"Not too bad," I said, pulling out my iPhone. "But see what Chinese kids of your age can do."

Nice canned meat you got there

Too bad it isn't allowed here, rule 3.

A woman who's 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma

6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.

DOCTOR: You actually had twins, a boy and a girl, and they're both fine. Luckily, we had your brother name the children for you

WOMAN: Oh no! Not my brother! He's an actual idiot. What did he name the girl?

DOCTOR: ...

My friend who studies history just reformatted his online notes in time for his finals

Too bad though, war crimes are now justified

A retired couple sitting at home was reliving their 50 years of marriage together.

The wife finally had gotten the courage to ask “Whats the cigar box under the bed you told me to never open?”

The husband sat a moment and then got up, abruptly leaving the room. When he returned, he had the cigar box. He sat down and opened it. Inside, there were three 50$ bills.

“I w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are talking about their sex lives...

One says to the other "I'm not getting on too badly. I have welfare sex."

"What's welfare sex?" asks the other

"Simple." replies the first guy. "I get some each month, but it ain't enough to live on!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a tennis ball.

"I have to ask, sir," says the bartender. "Without sounding rude, what happened to your head?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me a...

With the increasing price and size of Iphones……

If you want to be an iPhone user in 10 years, you’ll need to have deep pockets.





( first time here, I hope is not too bad)

Three men at a class about etiquette...

...are asked how they would tell a woman on a first date that they need to use the bathroom.

The first one shrugs. "Easy. I just tell her: Sorry, but I gotta go to the toilet."
The teacher shakes his head disapprovingly. "No, no, way too blunt."

The second one goes: "Well, everyo...

Today I argued with my pregnant wife and she said "I have two brains and you have one"

Too bad one's not fully developed



and the other is our child's.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.