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Gotten Jokes

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A guy hadn't gotten any action for a while so he decides to visit a local brothel

"What would you like tonight?” his entertainer asked him.
"Well, I'm not really sure, what do you recommend?” he replied.
"I could give you the best hand job you've ever had, if you don't believe me just look out the window... do you see that Mercedes? I bought that with the money I made just ...

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

A French woman and a Spanish man had recently gotten married and moved to Spain.

The woman could not speak Spanish so whenever she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would raise her skirt a little and show her thighs which the seller understood.
One day, she wanted to buy bananas so she brought her husband with him.





As her husband could speak Spanish.

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

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It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surp...

Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark

Any darker and the police might actually do something about it

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What’s that board for?"
The tr...

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a...

I know why this entire country has gotten so cold.

It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.

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No one who has slept on my couch has gotten pregnant.

It’s a pull out couch.

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Did you hear about the Indian who's gotten hit by a train 5 times?

Reincarnation is a bitch.

what do you say to the liberal arts student that just gotten a job

Can I get the cappuccino to go?

Help! I don't know how to tell my girlfriend that she's gotten fat

She now fits perfectly into my wife's clothes.

I would never have gotten into leather work if it wasn't for my mother.

She was really bad at cooking steak.

Me: As I've gotten older, I've come to feel that 60 is the new 30.

Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!

Things have gotten so bad lately, I broke down crying to “only god knows why”

I’ve officially hit Kid Rock Bottom

The average American has gotten stronger over time

In 1990 it took two adults to carry $10 worth of groceries. Now a 5-year-old can do it.

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Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

Russian leadership has gotten so bad that even mystics are mocking it

They razz Putin.

Do you know why insulin has gotten so expensive?

Well, it’s not called Liveabetes, now is it?

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Therapist: Have you gotten over your fetish of being starched, pressed, and folded?

Me: We’re still ironing out the kinks

Jesus should have gotten a manicure...

... he wouldn’t have died from all those hangnails

I've gotten a new haircut recently

At first I felt like it was too short, but I gotta say that it's starting to grow on me.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes

We still haven't gotten a gig.

I had gotten a coupon for 50% off an Arizona Ice Tea yesterday.

After I bought the can an opened it, I suddenly heard a bunch of beats and rap music coming out of the can. I was really confused at why my beverage was playing rap music at me, but then I realized why.

I had gotten 50 cent Ice T.

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A man had just recently gotten into woodworking. He had made a nice table, some chairs, and a few other things around the house

One day, his wife came up to him and asked if he could try to make her a dildo.

He found the request to be a bit odd, but being the great husband he is, he agreed.

He spent a long time sanding and coating it, because, well… splinters.

After several days of tedious work on this...

Larry Nassar would have gotten away with it....

if it weren't for those medaling kids!

Showerthoughts removed my original, so going for gold here.

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My daughter has gotten to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex

Just this morning she asked me

"Is that the best you can do?"

My to-do list has gotten so long

I don't know what to do

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I’ve gotten so bad at sex I don’t even masturbate anymore.

Its more like novicebating, on a good day its probation

One day a farmer notices his sheep have gotten out.

He puts them in another fence, and calls a guy to fix the other one. The guy arrives in a hour. The farmer shows him the fence and he gets to work. An hour later the farmer comes back and sees him removing fence post.

He does some work and returns a couple hours later. Again he is removing fe...

Having someone respond to a medical emergency has gotten sooo expensive.

Maybe instead of sending a Para Medics they should only send one.

Running culture has gotten weird

Back in my day we wore running shoes and shorts and just tried our best, but I showed up to a 3K and all the people were in hoods and robes and they were all super unpleasant.

Ever since quarantine, my pubes have gotten really long,

But think about all the money I've saved on dental floss.

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I can't believe how low the standards have gotten with porn majors at University

They're passing everyone with several D's these days.

Still haven't gotten over Norm's passing, need something to take my mind off it.

Meet me under the Queensborough Bridge

How can you tell if a mechanic has gotten laid?

He has one clean finger

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A man has not gotten laid in a while.

A man has not gotten laid in a while. So his friends suggests a prostitute. He is not sure about it at first, but he goes.

That night, the man finds her and drives her to a hotel. On the drive, the man decides to try and to brighten the mood. He looks at her and says "Hey, they call me woody ...

So i've gotten a fish tank recently

And I check the Temerature and the pH-Value regularly. But my Guinea pigs keep diying. Do u guy have any advice?

Man 1: Have you gotten coronavirus yet?

Man 2: That depends, do the symptoms include oozing sores on your genitalia?

Man 1: No!

Man 2: What a relief!

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The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having sex with me again

so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.

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There are days when I truly think I've gotten over my porn addiction

......then I remember my favourite Michael Jackson song is 'Beat It'

How can you tell if a man hasn't gotten laid in a while?

He's wearing a wedding ring.

Why did the circumcision doctor quit when he hadn’t gotten his paycheck yet?

He already had all the tips he needed.

I’ve been called a pervert. I’ve been banned from the mall. I’ve even gotten a few restraining orders, but I won’t let that stop me.

Come hell or high water, I’m gonna figure out Victoria’s Secret.

Have you ever gotten half way through eating a horse??

And thought, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."?

A wife asks her husband if she’s gotten fat during quarantine.

The husband replies “you weren’t that skinny to begin with”.

The death certificate said time of death was 1035pm, cause of death was covid.

I might have gotten the flu in China

Well, WHO cares?

Two friends having gotten tired of using instant communication, decided to use old fashioned means of messaging each other, such as pigeons.

For a few days, it is great. Then one day, a pigeon shows up at one friends house with a blank piece of paper.

Angry, the receiver phones his friend to ask what was the meaning of the message.

To which his friend calmly replies, "Oh, that was a missed call."

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

My language teacher and I have gotten so close, we keep finnishing--

(From the other room) ^Toistemme ^lauseet!

A young man has just gotten his driver's license

So his father offers some words of wisdom.

"Son" he says "In this day and age the road can be a dangerous place. First of all, beware of any drunk drivers. Second, beware of any taxi drivers. And finally, motorcycles."

"But dad, what about women?"

"Ah. A woman is like a drunk ...

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

I've gotten really good at counting cards

There's usually 52.

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The coast guard fined my girlfriend and I for having sex in the ocean.

Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited.

I've never really gotten into black magic...

But I have abracadabbled.

I’ve spent a month lifting and I still haven’t gotten stronger

I guess it’s not working out

Being in quarantine I’ve gotten bored and wrote a song on cats.

The third verse ran away, I guess next time I’ll use paper.

If Robert Kardashian hadn't gotten OJ off,

eventually one of his daughters would have.

I've gotten 100000+ girls in bed with this line.

Does my handkerchief smell like chloroform?

Trudeau's black face picture has gotten a lot of attention

But should we care if it's Trudeau?

Why has a dentist’s job gotten so much easier?

All the kids are flossing all the time.

I wanted to make a joke criticising YouTube and how ridiculous it's gotten in there

But first, a word from our sponsor RAID: Shadow Legends!

I heard balloons have gotten really expensive lately.

It must be because of inflation.

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...

What do you call an angle that’s gotten into a car crash?

A rectangle

I've gotten a Graphic Design job at a nuclear plant

The pay is not great, but they told me I'd be getting some exposure.

My father was diagnosed with alzheimer's last year, so I've gotten really good at introducing myself...

To all of mom's new boyfriends.

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I took a programming class. I should have gotten a B-

But the instructor gave me a C++

In the new Star Wars movie Ray should have gotten undressed in front of Luke

Then it would have been a real rise of skywalker

The world has just gotten way too politically correct

You can't even say something as completely innocent as "black paint", for example. Now you have to say something like, "Tyrone, please paint my fence."

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit...

... and he asked his father, who was a minister, if they could start driving dad's car.

His father replied, "We'll make a deal. You bring your grades up, study the Bible and get your hair cut.  Then we'll talk about it."

After a month the boy came back and again asked his dad if he cou...

"Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "John." "John who?" John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively worse.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"John."

"John who?"

John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively

As I have gotten older and started thinking about all the people I have lost on the way I'm starting to think.....

Maybe becoming a tour guide wasn't the best career

My friends have ignored me ever since ive gotten circumcised.

They cut me off.

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Lately I've gotten into donkey porn...

...it really gets MEEE OFFFFF!

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I've been masturbating a lot less since I've gotten married.

I've really let myself go.

I have gotten pretty damn good at door to door sales of home security systems

When no one is home, I leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

I should have gotten LASIK several years ago

But I guess hindsight is 20/20

It's 1975, and John and Amy had just gotten married.

They go grocery shopping for their first time as a married couple. They buy various items, including lots of jars of food.

They get home, and Amy starts unpacking. John notices something strange... Amy takes the first jar and opens it, closes it again, and puts it in the refrigerator. She goe...

Two Police officers.

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:

“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.”

The percent of the population holding anti-vaccination beliefs has gotten up to the mid-teens.

Unlike their children.

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Came home to find my dog, Minton, had gotten into the garage and eaten all my shuttlecocks

Bad Minton

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[NSFW] my best friend has never gotten a blowjob before...

So i take him to a place away from town to have that taken care of

"So how was your first blowjob?"

"I hated it! I still have a funny taste in my mouth!"

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral dir...

After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails.

She’s hidden his teeth.

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Jack & Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.
One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The prob...

I've never gotten along with tall people

We just never see eye to eye.

I'm getting pretty worried, my girlfriend hasn't gotten her period yet.

And she's already 14.

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My wife told me that “sex is better on holiday”

Not the best postcard I’ve ever gotten

I used to think cannibals must have gotten fed up eating the same thing over and over again

but then I realized they have all of the same options as we do, Mexican, Italian, Chinese..

An old man has recently gotten ill, and is becoming worse as time went on...

The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.

After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.

O...

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My roommate and I have gotten really close, he confessed to me that he’s a compulsive masturbator...

I’m scared that he’s rubbing off on me.

Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result?

Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.

I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments.

Which means they're ready for me.

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were

I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids

Didn't realize how bad it had gotten...

The officiating in the NBA is so bad that at the end of last night's Knicks/Heat game the Lakers were declared the winner by 20 points.

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Two farmers are walking along a field and come across a sheep that has gotten its head stuck in a fence.

"Now let's have some fun!" one of them says as he takes off his pants, and fucks the sheep. "Now it's your turn!" he says to the other farmer. -"Okay" he responds, sticking his head into the fence.

Did you know the ninjas have gotten together and formed a union?

They strike from the shadows.

A son has just gotten his report card, it's not good....

"Hello father, here's my report card....", the son says.
"All Cs!" His father is furious. "Son, if you don't improve your grades by next term I will disown you....if you don't get As, I don't want you to call me father any more!"

.....next term comes and goes.....the son gets his ...

A cowboy had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for the wedding night.





He approached the front desk with his new wife and asked for a room.



He said, "We’re on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed."



The clerk winked, "You want the ’Bridal’?"



The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and...

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Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn’t gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn’t really know anyone suitable.

Her daughter immediately replied: “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, afte...

My handwriting has gotten pretty bad...

I am the most illegible bachelor in my hometown!

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A New Yorker, a guy from LA, and a Texan are sipping beers on a beach, and bragging about how much pussy they've gotten...

Guy from New York says, "In the Big Apple, you just walk up and buy a girl a drink, and you can stick your cock in her."

"That's nothing!" the guy from LA says. "Where I'm from, you just walk up and say *hi* to a girl, and you can stick yer cock in her."

Guy from Texas says, "Where I c...

I believe slaves should have gotten reparations 150 years ago. I don’t believe their descendants should get them.

That ship has sailed.

I asked my artist boyfriend to sketch what our baby might look like, but he must have gotten a vasectomy.

He drew a blank.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend...

...when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries....

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

My friend has gotten twelve auditions for movies in the last week alone.

I asked him how and all he could say was "It's this new medication". He never told me what it was, but I could safely assume that it was a fast acting drug.

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