Having someone respond to a medical emergency has gotten sooo expensive.

Maybe instead of sending a Para Medics they should only send one.

What do you call a gator who's gotten hurt?

An ow-igator

I know why this entire country has gotten so cold.

It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.

Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark

Any darker and the police might actually do something about it

I've gotten a new haircut recently

At first I felt like it was too short, but I gotta say that it's starting to grow on me.

I woke up to the news that I had gotten a girl pregnant!

I shouldn’t of given her boyfriend those defective condoms.

One day a farmer notices his sheep have gotten out.

He puts them in another fence, and calls a guy to fix the other one. The guy arrives in a hour. The farmer shows him the fence and he gets to work. An hour later the farmer comes back and sees him removing fence post.

He does some work and returns a couple hours later. Again he is removing fe...

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There are days when I truly think I've gotten over my porn addiction

......then I remember my favourite Michael Jackson song is 'Beat It'

Why did the circumcision doctor quit when he hadn’t gotten his paycheck yet?

He already had all the tips he needed.

So my mom has really gotten into Konmari lately....

She is throwing out everything that doesn't "spark joy". If any of you spot my dad, tell him he will be missed.

The average American has gotten stronger over time

In 1990 it took two adults to carry $10 worth of groceries. Now a 5-year-old can do it.

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Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn’t gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn’t really know anyone suitable.

Her daughter immediately replied: “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, afte...

"Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "John." "John who?" John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively worse.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"John."

"John who?"

John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to ...

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A man and woman have an argument after the man tries to perform oral sex

The woman says "you should never eat a pussy out ever again! That was the worst i've ever gotten!"

The man says "i'm jewish, i'm not allowed to eat pigs anyways."

My to-do list has gotten so long

I don't know what to do

Ever since quarantine, my pubes have gotten really long,

But think about all the money I've saved on dental floss.

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

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Social Security Application

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.” ...

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral dir...

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Pudding and Yesterday

Pudding and Yesterday had gotten into some real mischief and their mother laid into them, screaming and swearing she eventually sent them to their room.

After an hour Pudding says that he needs to poo really badly but he is afraid to go downstairs or their mother might start screaming again....

I ordered from this Chinese restaurant recently

(won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving back home heard the bags rustling and moving. I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.

Because I was driving at the time, I pulled over, leaned forwar...

5 second rule. If it hasnt been 5 seconds no bacteria has been transferred.

So stop complaining ladies you could have gotten chlamydia.

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An Englishman and Welshman were in a pub discusing their sexual prowess.

The Englishman boasts he's gotten laid with 27 different partners this year.

"What about *you*?" he asks the Welshman, who promptly falls asleep.

They say that WWII was won with American steel, British intelligence, and Soviet blood

Of course, they wouldn’t have gotten very far on Soviet steel, American intelligence, and British blood

As I have gotten older and started thinking about all the people I have lost on the way I'm starting to think.....

Maybe becoming a tour guide wasn't the best career

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True love

A young man has just gotten married to his beautiful wife. Since he cannot wipe off his shit-eating grin, his friends ask him what’s going on?
“I just got the best blowjob of my damned life” he replies.

Meanwhile, the new bride cannot seem to wipe her shit-eating grin from off her face, ...

A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren’t sick.

He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.

“Wow” said someone in the back. “Imagine the score he co...

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

A wife asks her husband if she’s gotten fat during quarantine.

The husband replies “you weren’t that skinny to begin with”.

The death certificate said time of death was 1035pm, cause of death was covid.

Golfing and leprechauns.

One day a man was playing golf in Ireland and he sliced his drive and the ball went over to the side of the course and he heard an "ouch". The man looked over to investigate and saw that it was a leprechaun that he had hit with his ball.

"Oh I'm so sorry" said the man helping the leprechaun b...

I recently took up knitting...

...and I've gotten really good. I make awesome blankets with beautiful colored patterns. I made a bunch of them, but they're all at my ex-boyfriends house and he's really mad at me. I'm worried he might destroy them or throw them out just to get back at me.

I'm deeply concerned about the safe...

So i've gotten a fish tank recently

And I check the Temerature and the pH-Value regularly. But my Guinea pigs keep diying. Do u guy have any advice?

Based on a true story

Miss Clark had just gotten a job at a local elementary school after graduating with her master’s degree in speech–language pathology and was excited to start working with children and help them improve their communication skills.

On her first day she met a young boy named Billy at the office...

Driving Permit

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." <...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the e...

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A man has not gotten laid in a while.

A man has not gotten laid in a while. So his friends suggests a prostitute. He is not sure about it at first, but he goes.

That night, the man finds her and drives her to a hotel. On the drive, the man decides to try and to brighten the mood. He looks at her and says "Hey, they call me woody ...

A man and a woman had just gotten married, and were spending their first night at her mother's house.

The mother tells her daughter "OK, you go upstairs and enjoy your husband, and I'll cook dinner". The newlyweds then head upstairs to the bedroom and the husband begins to undress, eager to consummate their union. He starts by removing his shirt, which earns him a startled look from his bride before...

Pablo Escobar gets his comeuppance

Back when Pablo Escobar was still a small time crook, he was known for peddling his product in the shady street corners of his home town.

One day during said nefarious activities, a bunch of local children rode by on their bikes and recognized his face. They promptly reported the heinous crim...

I wanted to make a joke criticising YouTube and how ridiculous it's gotten in there

But first, a word from our sponsor RAID: Shadow Legends!

Karen

My mum usually complains about everything but lately she's gotten bored of it. I guess you could say that she's past the point of Karen.

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A young woman goes to the doctor.

The general doctor sits her down and asks her what's wrong.

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a fruitcake!"

The doctor wasn't sure how to respond.

"I see. What's gotten into you?"

"Raisins, butter, flour... All the usual ingredients!"

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Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

Do you know why insulin has gotten so expensive?

Well, it’s not called Liveabetes, now is it?

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Two old men are about to get in the sauna at the health club

One of them says, “I’ve gotten so fat I can’t even see my dick anymore.” The other asks, “Why don’t you diet?” The first guy exclaims, “Dye it? Shit what color is it now?!”

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A New Yorker, a guy from LA, and a Texan are sipping beers on a beach, and bragging about how much pussy they've gotten...

Guy from New York says, "In the Big Apple, you just walk up and buy a girl a drink, and you can stick your cock in her."

"That's nothing!" the guy from LA says. "Where I'm from, you just walk up and say *hi* to a girl, and you can stick yer cock in her."

Guy from Texas says, "Where I c...

A cop pulls over a car.

He goes up to the window and finds a little old lady in the driver seat. The cop say "Ma'am the reason I pulled you over is because you were driving well below the speed limit and causing a long line of traffic to back up. It's very unsafe."

The lady replied "No officer. The sign back there s...

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It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surp...

My language teacher and I have gotten so close, we keep finnishing--

(From the other room) ^Toistemme ^lauseet!

A woman awakes in the middle of the night...



...to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
...

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I’ve gotten so bad at sex I don’t even masturbate anymore.

Its more like novicebating, on a good day its probation

My father was diagnosed with alzheimer's last year, so I've gotten really good at introducing myself...

To all of mom's new boyfriends.

Two Roman Soldiers

2 Roman Soldiers are guarding an outpost, and begin bragging about their luck with women. The first soldier says to the other: "Dude, you wouldn't believe how many ladies I've gotten with just this month?

2nd soldier: "Mmm?"

1st soldier: "ok, well not *that* many."

Being in quarantine I’ve gotten bored and wrote a song on cats.

The third verse ran away, I guess next time I’ll use paper.

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Of Ted

Me, Ted and the rest of the homies would meet every week no matter what and game at each other's house.

However as the weeks passed by, Ted became less excited about these sessions. It turned out that he had gotten himself hooked to smoking. It got so bad to the point whereby he even made ex...

Me: As I've gotten older, I've come to feel that 60 is the new 30.

Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!

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A young boy's mum gives him their last possession: a duck

She tells him "Don't you dare come back til you've gotten a good price for that duck."

Off he goes to the market. On the way there, he's stopped by a prostitute. She propositions him and he's unable to resist.

"But, ma'am, I've only got a duck."

"How much it worth?"

"My m...

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

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Jack & Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.
One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The prob...

Hot dog!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hot dog. After taking a bite, he waves the bartender over. "Hey, this hot dog is cold!" he complains. "Oh, well then, lucky you," the bartender replies. "You must have gotten one of our special chili dogs ... and hey, for you, no extra charge."

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Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

I've gotten myself tested for Coronavirus many times now out of fear...

The first 4 times they told me it was nothing but I still felt bad. They finally diagnosed me 5th time around with some disease called "hypochondria". The doctor won't see me for it, and I'm afraid that it's getting worse!

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Little Johnny is really smart

He was in elementary school but should skip a few classes and gets tested. He comes in front of the principal and his teacher asks him

T: Johnny, what does the cow have four of, and the woman has 2?

J: Legs!

T: Good. And where do women have curly hair?

J: Africa!

T...

I used to think cannibals must have gotten fed up eating the same thing over and over again

but then I realized they have all of the same options as we do, Mexican, Italian, Chinese..

An attorney asks an engineer to gather some evidence at a newly laid construction site.

He examines everything he can - looking for any evidence in the steel beams, the pipes, the equipment around, even the rebar where the foundation will be set in hopes to find anything to use in the case.

With his findings in hand, he returns to the attorney’s office. “Well, I’ve got some good...

I stopped putting money in the collection plate at church.

*Not once* have I gotten my popcorn.

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The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having sex with me again

so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.

An optimist and a pessimist were riding a bus together when the optimist got hungry.

"Let's stop at the next restaurant," said the optimist. "Then we can take the next bus and continue our journey."

"I don't think that's a good idea," said the pessimist. "It could cause something bad to happen."

"Or it could cause something good to happen," replied the optimist, "and b...

They actually stopped manufacturing glitter in 1972

We just haven’t gotten it out of everything yet.

What do you call a band that hasn't gotten a gig yet?

999MB

Man 1: Have you gotten coronavirus yet?

Man 2: That depends, do the symptoms include oozing sores on your genitalia?

Man 1: No!

Man 2: What a relief!

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A woman wakes up on the morning of her wedding anniversary and her husband wasn't there.

It was 2.00am and she was concerned. She searched the house until finally she found him in the basement sobbing uncontrollably.

She tried to comfort him and asked, "honey, what's the matter? "

Between sobs he answers, "Do you remember when your dad the cop caught us, underage, makin...

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a...

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A mailman was retiring after running the same route over 20 years, he had gotten to know the people pretty well so he left little notes of appreciation in their mailboxes...

The next day he gets to the first house on the block and the couple there greet him with a going away present and say there goodbyes.

This goes on for the next few houses.

But about 5 houses in a lady greets him at the door in nothing but her underwear. She snatches him inside and pro...

What do you call an angle that’s gotten into a car crash?

A rectangle

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Two farmers are walking along a field and come across a sheep that has gotten its head stuck in a fence.

"Now let's have some fun!" one of them says as he takes off his pants, and fucks the sheep. "Now it's your turn!" he says to the other farmer. -"Okay" he responds, sticking his head into the fence.

After extensive testing the C.I.A. has gotten down to it's final 3 candidates of this recruiting cycle, being 1 female and 2 males.

The recruiter tells them that in working for the C.I.A they need to be ready for anything and the final test is to prove this.

The recruiter explains that each recruit will have to go into the interrogation room that their respected husband or wife is in and kill them with the gun provided. ...

A ventriloquist couldn’t get his puppet to talk all day.

The ventriloquist was at his wits end. They had a show that night! Finally he asked his puppet, “What’s gotten into you?!”

The puppet looked at him and finally said, “Your hand!”

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Came home to find my dog, Minton, had gotten into the garage and eaten all my shuttlecocks

Bad Minton

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My roommate and I have gotten really close, he confessed to me that he’s a compulsive masturbator...

I’m scared that he’s rubbing off on me.

Have you ever gotten half way through eating a horse??

And thought, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."?

I might have gotten the flu in China

Well, WHO cares?

Boris turns to his friend Sergei and says, “I see you have been doing the Instagram and Twitters.”

Yes, I’ve gotten quite good. I am what you call a Socialist, no?” Replies Sergei.
“Sergei no, no. That is not Socialist. Soci-“
Sergei interrupted “Yes I am going professional on social media’s. I am Socialist.”
“Yes, your on the Twitter and Instagrams.” Reassured Boris.
Yes, Sergei nodd...

A young man has just gotten his driver's license

So his father offers some words of wisdom.

"Son" he says "In this day and age the road can be a dangerous place. First of all, beware of any drunk drivers. Second, beware of any taxi drivers. And finally, motorcycles."

"But dad, what about women?"

"Ah. A woman is like a drunk ...

I have gotten pretty damn good at door to door sales of home security systems

When no one is home, I leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

How can you tell if a mechanic has gotten laid?

He has one clean finger

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A Science-Minded Deviant

There's this scientist that loves dolphins. He loves dolphins so much, he wants to figure out a way to make them live forever. For years he slaves away in his basement laboratory, and he believes that he has found a compound that when given to dolphins, will make them live forever. The only probl...

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

My roommate is 2 days younger than me

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age...” and then describing what I did 2 days ago

Old Bert is 90..

...and the doctor makes a visit.

"So, any ailments, Bert?"

"Not really, Doctor. I'm bit slow, but everything works."

"Really?" says the doctor. "Nothing at all?"

"Well..." says Bert. "My neck has gotten a bit stiff over the years, but once I get the rocking chair going, I...

The percent of the population holding anti-vaccination beliefs has gotten up to the mid-teens.

Unlike their children.

Larry Nassar would have gotten away with it....

if it weren't for those medaling kids!

Showerthoughts removed my original, so going for gold here.

I asked my artist boyfriend to sketch what our baby might look like, but he must have gotten a vasectomy.

He drew a blank.

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The coast guard fined my girlfriend and I for having sex in the ocean.

Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited.

I’ve spent a month lifting and I still haven’t gotten stronger

I guess it’s not working out

How can you tell if a man hasn't gotten laid in a while?

He's wearing a wedding ring.

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Two old southern bells are having iced tea

They are reminiscing of their younger years on their wraparound porch of an 18th century plantation home.


The first lady recounts in a charming antebellum drawl: "You see these earrings? These 24k gold diamond earrings? My husband got me these on our 5th anniversary."


The seco...

Running culture has gotten weird

Back in my day we wore running shoes and shorts and just tried our best, but I showed up to a 3K and all the people were in hoods and robes and they were all super unpleasant.

Trudeau's black face picture has gotten a lot of attention

But should we care if it's Trudeau?

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My daughter has gotten to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex

Just this morning she asked me

"Is that the best you can do?"

I believe slaves should have gotten reparations 150 years ago. I don’t believe their descendants should get them.

That ship has sailed.

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A pro wrestler is down to fight The Mad Monk, and his manager says to him:

"Whatever you do, don't let him put you in the Mad Monk Hold. That's his signature move and no-one's ever gotten out of it."

But about five minutes into the fight, sure enough, our boy's all wrapped up like a human pretzel, with one arm going one way, one leg going another way, his spine all ...

An old man has recently gotten ill, and is becoming worse as time went on...

The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.

After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.

O...

I've just gotten a part-time job helping a one-armed man type capital letters...

It's shift work.

After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails.

She’s hidden his teeth.

Johnny Depp was talking to a friend one day. He explained he was experiencing some minor hearing loss but didn’t want people to know about it. But since yesterday the tabloids began reporting his secret issue, much to his distaste. His friend asked how the secret could’ve possibly gotten out.

Johnny Depp replied: “Rumor has it, Amber Heard.”

Why has a dentist’s job gotten so much easier?

All the kids are flossing all the time.

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My wife told me that “sex is better on holiday”

Not the best postcard I’ve ever gotten

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I took a programming class. I should have gotten a B-

But the instructor gave me a C++

Political correctness has gotten so restrictive these days. Now I can't even say, "Black paint."

I have to say, "Please paint that wall, Tyrone."

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.

They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, “Boy, I sure wish I could do that!”

The other one looks at him and says, “Well, I think I would pet him first.”

My friend went on a gap year travelling, and it's all he ever talks about. It's gotten to the point where I can't even discuss my problems with him anymore...

All he ever says is: "Oh, I've been there before."

A man came home from work one day and caught his best friend in the hall with his wife

They had all day to go to bed
Pulled out a .45, shot both of 'em
Next morning, his friend went down to the jail
He said, "Fred, don't take it so hard"
He said, "It could have been worse"
He said, "What you mean, it could have been worse?"
He said, "Man, two people dead. I might get...

A decapitated head fell on me today. It looks really similar to mine. I immediately started screaming.

I may have gotten a head of myself.

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A priest lived in a church with three nuns...

One evening the priest decided that he wanted to take a bath. He went to the washroom, filled the tub with water, and then undressed before he realized that he forgot to bring his soap.
He wraps himself in a towel around his waist and goes back to his room to retrieve his soap, grabbing an extr...

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35 year old me: In the 30 years I've been wiping my own ass, I've never quite gotten the hang of it.

My friend: wait...you didn't start wiping your own ass until you were 5?

Me: No I was 3, but that chick I dated for a while after my divorce had some weird kinks.

I've gotten a Graphic Design job at a nuclear plant

The pay is not great, but they told me I'd be getting some exposure.

She was a damn fine car.

When I was young we had gotten a new car, and I loved that car. I loved sitting in the back seat, I loved sitting in the front seat. I loved getting to wash it, and go on road trips in it. I even named her, I called her Betsy.
We bought Betsy on the 4th of July, and every year I thought everyone...

My mattress has gotten really old and lost its purpose....

I guess the memory foam got amnesia...

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Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning

Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning, anticipating that he'd be getting a new Nintendo Console this year.

"Surprise!" shouted his parents. "We know you wanted video games, but we think you need to get outdoors more. We got you this set of fishing gear! Unfortunately, it was rather expe...

I've gotten really good at counting cards

There's usually 52.

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A man was going ice fishing.

He goes out onto the ice, cuts open a hold, and lowers his bait into the hole. 45 minutes pass, and the man has not gotten a nibble. A younger man walks out onto the ice, drills a hole right next to him, lowers his bait, and within a few minutes has hooked a largemouth bass.

The first man is...

Joseph stole my girl...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but...

I've never really gotten into black magic...

But I have abracadabbled.

Steve and his mother were way behind on their car payments

The repo man had been after them for a while but hadn't successfully gotten the car yet. One day Steve had an idea for a "sting" operation to solve the problem once and for all. Before he left he shouted to his mom that he was taking the car, but she was in the bathroom and couldn't make out what he...

Scooby Doo villain apprehended in Colombian Capital

Says, “He would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those Medellín kids.”

Two men from Texas were in Canada for winter break.

At their cabin they met two canadians. The day after they decided they had to get food, so naturaly they decided to go ice fishing. To make it a bit more fun, the two guys from Texas decided to show the canadians how great America was, by beating them in an ice fishing competition. The canadians acc...

My friends have ignored me ever since ive gotten circumcised.

They cut me off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m convinced I’m a sex addict

Everyone else tells me it hasn’t gotten *out of hand*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been masturbating a lot less since I've gotten married.

I've really let myself go.

I've gotten 100000+ girls in bed with this line.

Does my handkerchief smell like chloroform?

A cowboy had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for the wedding night.





He approached the front desk with his new wife and asked for a room.



He said, "We’re on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed."



The clerk winked, "You want the ’Bridal’?"



The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and...

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