What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

being shot

What's worse than two girls running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

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What’s worse than waking up and seeing a dick drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

Q: What is worse than 10 babies in a trash can?

A: One baby in 10 trash cans.

Why is a stock market crash worse than a divorce?

Because you lose half of your money but your wife is still there

What has worse ratings than my Tinder account?

CNN

Phoning a patient, the doctor says, “I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only 24 hours left to live.”

“That is bad news,” the patient replies. “What could be worse?”

*“I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”*

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis.

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What's worse than a registered sex offender

An unregistered sex offender

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What's worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?

Having high voltage electrodes attached to your testicles and being flogged senseless with a knotted rope.

A man walks into a bar looking worse for ware

"Steve", the barman says, "you look terrible, what's up"

"Urgh, don't I know it, I've been up all night blowing chunks", he said as he sat down looking miserable

A guy by the bar overhearing says to the bartender, "oh god, poor guy, he must be really sick"

"You don't know the ha...

What's worse than losing all of your arms and legs?

Living in ohio

What's worse, ignorance or apathy?

Don't know.

Don't care.

Dr: “I’m afraid I have bad news and worse news”

Dr: “I’m afraid I have bad news and worse news”
Pt: “Give me the worse news first”
Dr: “You have cancer”
Pt: “Oh no! What’s the bad news?”
Dr: “You also have Alzheimer’s”
Pt: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer”

What is the only thing that if you fix you make it worse?

Elections

What’s worse than sitting on Santa’s lap and he gets a woody?

When he stands up and you don’t slide off.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

What's worse than fingering your sister?

Finding your dad's lost wedding ring inside her whilst your doing it!

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', h...

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm.

Am eating an apple with a wormhole in it and remembered my mom telling this joke.

What’s worse than a bull in a China shop?

A hedgehog in a condom factory

What's worse than lobsters on your pianos?

Crabs on your organs.

One day a bottle and a mirror were fighting of witch is worse to break.

"If you break me you get one year of bad luck" said the bottle.
"That is just one year. If you break me you get seven years of bad luck" answered the mirror.
But someone was laughing behind them. It was the condom who said "That is nothing. If you break me you get a life time of bad luck."

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What's worse than inciting insurrection to overturn a democratic election?

Lying about a blowjob, apparently.

What's Worse Than A Giraffe With Sore Throat?

A centipede with sore feet

If you play Nicki Minaj songs backwards you can hear satanic messages.....

even worse, if you play them forwards you can hear Nicki Minaj.

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

What's worse than a dead muskrat under your piano?

A diseased beaver on your organ.

A man dies and goes to hell

Because all the other torture chambers are full, the Devil puts him to hard labor.

A few hours pass, and the Devil returns to see how the torture is going. But the man is smiling and hardly working a sweat.

"Why haven't you given up yet? It's been at least 6 hours." The Devil asks him....

An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Won...

What’s worse than marriage jokes?

Being married

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

There has been a devastating fire in russian president Putin's presidential library

Both books were destroyed!

But even worse is that he only finished coloring one of them!

A man living in the Soviet union is queuing up for bread...

when he gets to the front he is told there is none left.

Annoyed, the man goes on a tirade, complaining about the poor conditions and the incompetence of the government.

A soldier, hearing this, says to him, "you better be careful. In the old days it would have been...", the soldier ...

A lady decides to get a tattoo

A lady who is a huge Elvis fan decides on his birthday to get a tattoo of the King to commemorate his life.

She goes to a well-known tattoo artist in town and asks that he put the ink on the inside of her thigh. The artist draws it out and asked her, “Do you like the design, and is right her...

You know what would make your bad day even worse?

Finding out your toaster is water-proof.

What's worse than a receding hairline?

An advancing hairline

6 guys playing poker

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. After the game, Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife...

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

Ever since the storm started, my husband won’t stop looking through the window.

If it gets any worse, I will have to let him in

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

Apology

(an old Yiddish joke)

The court jester argued with the king about whether an apology could be worse than the crime.

Later that day the king was going up the stairs when he felt a hand on his behind. He turned around to see the jester.

"I'm sorry your Highness, I apologize. I th...

Do you know what's the worse part of being a paranoid schizophrenic?

Who the hell is asking? Why do you want to know? Leave me alone! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhh!

A hotel in Soviet Russia

And, as usual, since there isn't enough space available (ok, the other rooms are in even worse condition and the stoves ain't working, but I didn't tell you that) three men have to share a room. Two of them start drinking vodka and telling political jokes, laughing and joking all night while the thi...

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending...

What's worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

It could've been worse.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.
...

I used to think I was bad at dating in high school as I never had a girlfriend.

Prince Andrew must have been way worse, he was 45 when he got a high school girlfriend!

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.
...

An elephant escaped from a zoo and no trace had been found....

Until a woman who had never seen an elephant before, called the police.

There's a weird animal in my garden. It's pulling up the cabbages with its tail. And what is worse, I cannot describe what it is doing with them.

Late for school

Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has to tell a big lie explaining why.

The teacher tells the headmaster that she is fed up with his exaggerations.

The headmaster tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he turns up late.

He'll t...

Which is worse: kissing your mother or your sister?

It’s all relative

A Complete History of Russia (Abridged)

“And then things got worse.”

What is worse than a Boy Scout in your pocket?

A Brownie in your pants.

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A man dies and ends up in hell.

Satan greets him and tells him ''I will show you three doors. You will go trhough one of them and stay there for eternity''

The man nods and Satan opens the first door. There, he sees thousands of people, standing on their heads on hard wood. The man says ''That looks highly unconfortable, sh...

The Depressed Pessimist

The depressed pessimist: *"I don't think this day can get any worse..."*

 

The cheerful optimist: *"IT CAN!!"*

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There are only two types of people worse than racists

The blacks and the jews

What's worse than seeing a condom in a second hand store?

Coming back to find it sold.

A man goes to his doctor to treat his stomachache and is prescribed a suppository.

Doctor: "So you know how to take this pill? It's a suppository."

Man : "Of course I know how to take a pill! Thanks, Doc."

The man walks out of the doctors office. The next day, the office gets a phone call from the man.

Man: "These pills don't work! My stomach hurts even worse ...

I learned something really cool today.

When Patrick Stewart was a small boy, he had a third ear growing on his forehead. Apparently it's a very very rare condition. So to make things worse, no matter how many surgeries he had, it always grew back.

So finally his parents go a hold of a surgeon in Manchester, who said that not only ...

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A bank robber swallows a million dollars

Desperate and on the run from the police, a bank robber forces his entire million dollar haul down his gullet and calmly walks home.

The next day he is suffering from extreme cramping and his pain becomes worse throughout the day. In the end he cannot take it anymore and presents himself to ...

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A man got sent down to Hell and the Devil offered him a tour of three rooms.

"You can take a peek inside each room, but when you choose one," the Devil said, "choose wisely, because you're going to spend the rest of eternity in there."

The man took a peek inside Door #1. Inside there was a nice field of grass, but there was also a crowd of people moaning in agony as t...

Have I told you about the Russian optimist vs the pessimist?

The pessimist says, " Things could not get worse."

The optimist says, " Oh yes they can."

Have you heard about the helium shortage?

It's only gotten worse with inflation.

What's worse than laughing alone at your own joke?

Hearing another laugh when you were trying out the joke alone.

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Confessions

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down....

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A dad overhears his daughter...

One day, a dad overheard his daughter praying in her room. She said "bless mom, bless dad, bless grandmom, goodbye grandad". He found this weird but didn't say anything. A few hours later the family finds out that her grandad had passed away. The dad freaked out initially, but chalked it up to coinc...

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Mr. Johnson has been having constant headaches ever since his teenage years. For years and years his doctor tries to cure him, but the headaches only get worse and worse.

Finally, one day, the doctor asks Mr. Johnson to undress. After inspecting Mr. Johnson's body, he sees the problem.

"You have an extremely rare condition," explains the doc. "Your testicles are pressed up against your spinal cord, giving you headaches. This condition has no known cause and on...

An old man moves into a new home in the countryside after his wife dies.

A few weeks later his son comes to visit him and finds that his father is very depressed. He doesn’t even get out of bed to greet him and doesn’t seem to have any excitement to see him. He also notices that his father rarely leaves the house and mostly just mopes around the house. The next evening, ...

What's the difference between death and taxes?

Death doesn't ger worse every time Congress meets.

Three men are outside of Heavens gate waiting to get in.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3...

What's worse to step on in the middle of the night than a lego

A landmine

Why is North Korea worse than South Korea?

They have no Seoul .

There's a crippled old beggar on a sidewalk in El Paso with a sign and a paper cup..

A businessman stops, reads the sign that says 'Disabled Vet' and decides to give him a few dollars.

"Look on the bright side," he says. "Things could be worse- you could be blind!"

"I know what you mean.." says the beggar, "When I was blind, people only gave me pesos!"

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Mrs. Rosentein is walking her poodle down 5th Avenue, when she ran into her good friend Gladys Goldberg

"Gladys! It's been so long since I've last seen you, where have you been?"

"Oh, Blanche, Ira and I went on safari in Africa, and let me tell you, it was horrible!"

"Horrible? How was it horrible?"

"Well, first, Ira lost our tickets, so we had to fly coach all the way from New Y...

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On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it! Screaming.

she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment ...

"Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "John." "John who?" John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively worse.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"John."

"John who?"

John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively

At my city, we have a zoo which is only filled with dogs. Even worse, there’s only one breed of dogs inside the zoo.

It’s a shih tzu.

They say an informed racist is better than an uninformed racist. You know what's worse than an uninformed racist?

A uniformed racist!

2019 and 2020 fought to see which year was worse.

2021

2020 is about to end. It can't get any worse can it?

12/32/2020

(NSFW) What's worse than 2 dead babies in a dumpster?

One dead baby in two dumpsters

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A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.


A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

What’s worse than finding a worm in your Apple?

Being mercilessly beaten over the head by a large mob.

What's worse than 10 babies nailed to a tree?

1 baby nailed to 10 trees!

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
 

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he m...

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I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

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