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Worse Jokes

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What's worse than waking up with a dick drawn on your face?

Someone telling you it was traced on.
[edits up: guys i gotta say something - HOLY SHIT MY PHONE EXPLODED FROM REPLIES]
[edits up again: have the credits
https://youtube.com/shorts/hSK1Vyoimps?feature=share this joke was too funny not to tell]

I am sad. My friend said Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in a hole in the ground underwater...

I knew he meant well.

You thought the last couple jokes you heard were bad?

Well, this Fibonacci joke is worse than the last two combined.

An embarrassed older lady visited her doctor for help with a problem.

"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong, but I fart all the time. It's strange because they are both silent and odorless, but they keep coming out. In fact, I've farted about 6 times just sitting here. What can I do?"

The doctor replied, "Here, take one of these pills every morning and then come s...

What's worse than having ants in your pants?

Uncles.

Good news and Bad News

Doctor: So, I have good news, and bad news.

Patient: Alright, I want the good news first.

Doctor: Okay. You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: WHAT?! What can be worse than that?!

Doctor: I've been trying to contact you since yesterday

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This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"

Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half of a worm

What's worse than a cold toilet seat?

A warm one.

Or else!

Timmy was a soft spoken mell-mannered lad and he was soon to be married to Jane. His mates were worried that, with his mild nature, he'd end up being dominated by his new spouse and had a plan to "show her who's the boss". Obviously Timmy thought that would be an appalling idea but finally gave in.<...

It's a well known fact that humorists are more intelligent than the run of the mill average joe on the street. It's also a well known fact that it's not always a good idea to flaunt those extra smarts.

One day, the royal court was lounging around in a bored state. Without thinking, the jester suddenly voiced an opinion, "You know, there are times when the apology for an offense is worse than the original action."

The king immediately glowers and says, "If you can't prove that, Jester, I thi...

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Three old men met for breakfast

As they ate the subject of health came up. One man said "I don't know what's going on with my system now but I'm up at least a dozen times a night to pee! Even if I stop drinking HOURS before I try to sleep!"

The number two man said "Well, beats the opposite. I swear, some days I'm stuck sit...

The bad news is, I dropped my cactus today

The worse news is that I caught it

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Feeling

On a flight to Japan, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.


Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she y...

What is worse than a serial killer

A parallel killer, who kills multiple people at once, instead of one at a time

What’s worse than 10 ants in your pants?

One uncle.

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A blond and a lawyer are flying to Cleveland

The man asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

Bored, he persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you do...

Who would be worse than Captain obvious?

Doctor Obvious

What’s worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

(Old joke) A Polish man is in the bread line

A guy pops his head out and says, "sorry, but we are out of bread." The Pole in line begins shouting: "I have lived in this country all my life! I have lived my life for Communism! Now I have no bread after waiting in line for 2 hours! What were we fighting for? Communism sucks! I hate this country!...

Did you hear about the dog who owned a leaky three-masted sailing ship?

His barque was worse than his bite.

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When I was young I spent my summers on my mean Auntie and Uncle's farm.

When I was 10 until I was 13, I spent my summers staying on my Auntie and Uncle's farm. My mom said it was to "build character" but really its because I was out of school and she was a single mother and had to work. Auntie and Uncle were not physically abusive but did tell me I was "trash" and all s...

What's the worse job you can get as a vegan in England?

Beefeater.

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

The CEO's wife was visiting the office and talking to her husband's secretary.



After a while she commented, "You know, your grammar is not very good. You're always confusing 'me' and 'I'."

The secretary replied, "Maybe, but your husband is worse. He's always confusing me with you."

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

Bad bird

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words,...

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My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

Some idiot bet me $50 that I couldn't name an illness worse than aids.

I said "I definitely *can sir*".

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

What worse then having your doctor reach up and grab your shoulder while giving you a prostate exam?

Having your doctor reach up and grab both your shoulders while doing you prostrate exam

There once lived a Mr. Wrong

Since he was a wee lad, Mr. Wrong had it tough. He was a bright, brilliant young boy, but to his mother he would never be enough. Worse still, she'd make all sorts of outlandish statements to rub it into him that he would never amount to anything.

Mr. Wrong was tenacious though, as he'd delib...

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients



I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dic...

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

I thought life couldn’t get any worse after I hit rock bottom

Until rock bottom’s dad turned up and started hitting me back…

Walking with 1 leg is worse than walking with 2.

The difference is staggering.

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Szechuan STD

Guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I've been having a bit of trouble urinating and it's getting sore, more sore every day."

Doctor told him to undress and lie on the bench. So he did, and the doctor came back, examined him and shook his head. "You been to China recently?"

"Well, y...

Fearful father finds an envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried.

He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn't want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says "Rub your belly once a day every day and say 'Be polite, be polite.' "

So she starts doing so. Bu...

The two medical examiners

A seasoned medical examiner brings his new trainee to their very first crime scene. The grizzled veteran tells the rookie that “this is a messy one – are you sure you can handle it?”

The rookie says “of course – I’ve got this.”

So they go in and it is a mess. All sorts of human bits an...

What's worse then running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs...

I’m in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn’t even know I exist

and worse… she can prove it.

Sleep

An exhausted blonde dragged herself to the doctor's office.

“Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood," she said."They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep.""

“I'm going to prescribe some sleeping pills," said the doctor."A few of these and your troubles w...

What's the difference between death and taxes?

Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse.

An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Won...

My mother always told me that there’s nothing worse than running with scissors

Now that I’m older, I realize there’s one worse thing: scissoring with the runs

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Having a bad day at work…

An associate goes to the bar in the top floor of his high rise office building and orders a drink. The place is empty except for the bartender and a lone man at the other end of bar. While staring into his drink, he can’t help but notice the other guy pound 4 shots.
“Must’ve had a worse day than...

John constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism…

No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "It could have been worse."

To cure him of this annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even John could find no hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,...

What's worse than rushing to the liquor store 5 minutes before it closes?

Getting there 30 minutes before it opens.

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

A father heard his daughter praying inside her room...

Daughter: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, Goodbye grandpa..."
Dad: Honey, why did you say "goodbye grandpa"?
Daughter: I don't know daddy, it just feels right.

The grandpa died the following day but that dad thought it's just a coincidence.
One week later, he he...

Coincidence

A golfer enters a tournament and is assigned a caddie. On the first day, the golfer duffs a couple of key shots and does quite bad.

He tries to act undisturbed about it and plays the second day, which is even worse.

So he plays the third day and totally messes up every shot and has a...

An old man goes to see the doctor.

An old man goes to see the doctor.


Upon getting there, the doctor sighs and looks at him with pity.


"Peter, I have bad news and worse news. Which would you like first?"



"Give me the worse news now doctor, so that the less bad news don't matter much anymore."<...

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The Moth and the Podiatrist

A podiatrist finishes up with his last patient of the day when in walks a moth.

The podiatrist says, “I’m just about to close up for the night, but I don’t have much going on. What seems to be the matter?”

The moth says, “Everything, Doc. I’m thinking of killing myself. The company I’v...

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What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

A man dies and goes to hell

Because all the other torture chambers are full, the Devil puts him to hard labor.

A few hours pass, and the Devil returns to see how the torture is going. But the man is smiling and hardly working a sweat.

"Why haven't you given up yet? It's been at least 6 hours." The Devil asks him....

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

What's worse than a baby in a trash can ?

A baby in two trash cans.

"What will life in Russia be like in 2023?"

"It will be worse than 2022 but better than 2024"

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