I am so sorry reddit . . .

I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! MY WIFE SAYS I AM IN THIS SUBREDDIT EVERY 20 SECONDS, AND SHE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! WE ARGUED AND SHE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER OR THE SUBREDDIT. SO I AM GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE I PACK HER BAGS, AND CALL HER A TAXI. ...

The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve time travellers in here"

A time traveller walks into a bar.

"Sorry Moses, but you can't join Greenpeace..."

"...We're a non-prophet organization."

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

I'm sorry if you can't find any good chemistry jokes

Because all of them argon

"I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing...

Except at a funeral.

Willow Smith to her friends: "Sorry girls, I can't get jiggy with y'all tonight. My dad said,

'Na na na na nana na'".

A blonde joke a friend told me sometime ago (I'm sorry if this offends you)

Three women named Katie, Rachel and Karen, our blonde protagonist, attempted to rob the local bank.

Katie explained the plan to both of them. They went through it once again and then left for the bank.

While Karen went inside the bank, Rachel waited in the driver's seat and Katie was l...

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

Officer: “I’m sorry to say sir, but it looks like your wife was hit by a bus.”

Me: “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel sorry for homophobic people

Imagine being scared of your own home

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

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A man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible."

"Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says "Well... for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet cat. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special cat. Turn on the Winnipeg Jets game and you'll see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.

The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my cat does flips." The Jets keep scoring and the cat keeps flipping and jumping.<...

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

Whats the difference between "I'm sorry" and "I apologize"?

Well it depends if your at a funeral or not

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME!" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

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Did you know that Hitler never said sorry to anybody in his entire life?

He didn't speak English.

Sorry I called animal control about your children...

...but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

Sorry I’m English btw

I went into the shop the other day. Saw a ready made burger. When I went to the till the lady said “that’s £2 please”
I replied ”surely it’s 25p”
She looked at me, confused.
Dunno why, it’s a quarter pounder after all!

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I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

\[Later at home, sitting down with son\]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

Hot Lady walks into confession: I’m sorry daddy, I’ve been a very naughty girl..

Father: for the last time, it’s “Forgive me Father for I have sinned!”

How do fish get high? (I'm so sorry)

SEAWEED!!



(*forgive me*)

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The farmer and the neighbor boy (sorry for the mobile format)

This lonely farmer likes to sit on his porch his every mourning. One mourning, as he’s sitting there, a boy comes walking down the road carrying a giant roll of duct tape.

The farmer asks “what are you doing with so much tape?” The boy replies “this isn’t just any tape this is duck tape. I’...

I used to feel sorry for myself because I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet.

I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

I’m sorry (warning dark joke ahead)

Why were the people in the twin towers so mad?






























Because they ordered pepperoni, but they got plane

"Sorry boss, i can't come to work today"

Boss: "Why?"

Worker: "I'm sick"

Boss: "Well what's wrong with you?"

Worker: "I'm watching my sister take a shower"

I am sorry

There was once a man who always bought the latest Iphones. He had been buying since the first Iphone. Every time he bought one, he would take it to a nearby bar and start banging it relentlessly on the corner of the table.

This occurred many times but no one ever questioned him, everyone at ...

Some day, Canada will take over the world.

And then we'll all be sorry.

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

Wife (signing divorce papers): I'm sorry I ever married you.

Me: apology accepted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.

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A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set

“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up”

The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson.

2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in:

”all those depart...

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A guy wins the lottery. So he decides to live his life like rich people. What does rich people do ? They play golf, so he goes to a country club to play golf.

He didn’t know anything about golf. Didn’t bring a caddie . After an hour of struggling/playing, he gets lost. Didn’t see anyone until finally he sees a girl and asks her..
“ Sorry, to bother you, but I dont know where I am, could you tell me ?”.... “Sure, you are in the 5th hole, Im in the 6t...

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Guy says to the hairdresser, I want the hair on top shaved down the middle on the side one shaved all the way the other side leave as it it is, hairdresser replied, sorry sir but I cannot do that.

I said well you fucking did last time.

What makes a blonde and a Tornado similar? (Sorry blondes)

What makes a Blonde and a Tornado similar?

At first it’s sucking and blowing and next thing you know, YOUR HOUSE AND CAR ARE GONE! xD thank you! I’ll be here all year!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Principal: Sorry for calling you in, but your son set the school on fire.

Parents: Arson?

Principal: Yes, your son.

I feel sorry for my dad. He doesn't have a hairy chest.

Which means I got it from my mom.

Sorry it's a 9/11 joke but I thought it was funny.

Why was the 9/11 attack so tragic? Because they ordered a peperoni pizza, but they got a plane instead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sorry if I scared you...

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its
cruising altitude, the Captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Oslo.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth,
uneventful fli...

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband says to wife (haven't seen this one on here, sorry if posted before)

A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She responds, "You have the biggest dick of all your friends. "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She told me, “No, sorry. My morals stop me from having sex with a married man.”

I wish she told me this before our honeymoon.

“Sorry about the temperature down the mine today”

“It’s coal man”

Waitress: Sorry about your wait

**Me**: Are you calling me fat?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid visiting his grandparents (I hope this isn’t a repost, I’m sorry if it is)

A kid was visiting his grandparents and he saw his grandpa smoking a pipe. The kids asks “Grandpa can I smoke your pipe?” The grandpa replies “Can your dick reach your asshole?” The kid says “No”. The grandpa says “then you’re not old enough”. A little later the grandpa is drinking some whiskey and...

Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.

“I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. “If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.”

“I blame the players,” said the second fan. “If they made more of an effort, we’d score some points.”

“I blame my parents,” said the third. “If I’d been born in Seattle, I’d be suppo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are knocking on heavens door. (Sorry for my english)

After a few minutes Petrus comes, wearing his cozy pyjamas, saying: "Guys its late, i need to get some rest, we are closed for today."
"Ehm Petrus", one man replied, "we are kinda dead so please open the door."
Petrus sighs. "Ok, each one of you tells me the story of his death, and if ...

Stop saying sorry and start thanking, e.g. instead of "sorry I'm late" say "thanks for waiting"

So I said "Thank you for your loss."

A piece of string walks into a bar

The bar tender says “sorry we don’t serve you kind round here”

The string leaves, twists himself up, parts his hair and walks back into the bar,

The bartender says “sorry aren’t you the same guy from before”

The string replies “I’m a frayed knot”

I felt sorry for a very cold man and I invited him into my house to spend the night.

And what did he do? Peed all over my floor and left without saying a damn word!

If you see this guy, don't let him in. He's very pale, heavyset but his arms look like two sticks. Has two black eyes, smokes a corn cob pipe and wears a red scarf and a black top hat..

Prisoner: I’m sorry I tried to escape.

Guard: I’m not mad, just........disappointed.

Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you cross Shaggy with a cow

No one crosses Shaggy and lives

Sorry thats a dead meme

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning. “Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

How do astronauts say sorry?

They don’t, they Apollo-gize

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was born in very sorry circumstances.

My mother was sorry and my father was sorry as well.

I was sorry to hear I’d failed the analogy course...

It hit me like a length of ham

I’m not sorry

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle. Attire

Dad, I’m getting married!

Dad: Say sorry.

Son: Why?

Dad: Just say sorry.

Son: I haven’t done anything wrong!

Dad: Say sorry.

Son: Okay, okay! I’m sorry!

Dad: You’re ready.

In a way, I feel sorry for the kids of this generation.

They'll have parents who know how to check browser history.

Please enter your new password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: ...

Police Officer - "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus".

Man - "Well, I know. But she's a really good cook and she's great with the kids".

A cop pulls a guy over and asks for his license. The guy says sorry I never got my drinking license.

Have you been drinking? No, but when I do, they ask for my drivers license.

Prince Phillip has finally apologised to the crash victim saying he’s deeply sorry...

Only took him 21 years

Sorry, the weather doesn’t work when the internets down

It’s all based in the cloud

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