I pity the poor insomniac dyslexic agnostic

He sits up all night wondering if there is a dog.

Such nice spring days and we are locked in because of Covid-19, it's a real pity

that my wife and kids can't leave the house

My wife said to me, "Why don't you throw yourself a pity party?"

I answered, "Because no one would show up."

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My ex was really good at blowjobs

Just a pity I found out from my friends

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My mind is occupied by two things only,1. self pity

2. masturbation - which eventually drops down to self pity in about 10 sec

An elephant stumbles upon a naked man in the savanna. As he has never seen a naked man before he thinks to himself, pitying: "That poor man."

"How is he going to get food in his mouth?"

The Laziest Man

There was a very very lazy man in a village. He was so lazy he didn't do anything for himself.

It got so bad that the men of the village decided it would be best to just bury him cuz he was just so lazy and useless.

So they came to his house, grabbed him and carried him away to be buri...

A blonde, redhead and brunette die and God appears before them

Mesmerized by their beauty (yes, he didn't create them ffs) he gives them a challenge. "For each step you take on the staircase to heaven, I will tell a dark joke. If you laugh, then you will fall straight to hell. Otherwise, despite all your sins, I will let you enter the gates of heaven".

A...

An original light bulb story

A student, let's call him Kevin, was having an oral exam in philosophy with his professor. Naturally, Kevin didn't study and couldn't answer any of the questions, even the easiest ones. The professor felt pity for him and gave him one last chance:

"Ok Kevin, if you can answer this question y...

An old Jewish joke. Original is in Yiddish.

A Rabbi and a Priest are sitting on a bench in front of church. They have bowls in front of them to collect money and as the parishioners exit the church they leave some change and bills for the Priest and give the Rabbi dirty looks.

After some time one of the parishioners takes pity on the ...

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A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

A man walks into a bar...

And tells the bartender "I want 12 shots, don't care what they are just make it 12 in a row!"
The bartender replies "12? Are you sure you want that much?"
The man repeats "I said what I said. 12 shots! Line em up!"
So the bartender pours a line of 12 shots, not sure what to expect. The man...

Irish Unemployed

Two Irishmen looking for work see a sign that reads TREE FELLERS WANTED. “Oh, now, look at that,” said Paddy. “What a pity there's only de two of us!”

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Not sure if this joke is originally from my language or if it is an old joke which is stolen then translated to my language but thought I’d share it

Three man were lining up to heaven when st. peter explained that their death was not planned and that it has happened due to unforeseen and unknown circumstances. Because of this heaven wasn’t prepared for their coming and would need them to wait outside for a long time. However, pitying their early...

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My wife is a great cook, but yesterday, she made some soup from scratch, which was a pity...

Because I loved that fucking dog...

A guys in a bar turns to another

A rancher walks into a bar and sits next to a rugged old guy with a hat.

He says "I just had the hardest day rounding up my cattle".

The rugged guy responds "oh yeah ? I'm a rancher too. I got a couple hundred acres down by the creek".

The rancher brags "Not bad, not bad, but I ...

"Pity about your boys coming in fourth in the world Cup!" joked Trump to Theresa May.

"Yeah..." she replied. "Pity about your boys coming second in Vietnam. Oh, you weren't there, were you?"

Jesus is crucified on Golgotha, a hill overlooking Jerusalem

On the first day, Jesus calls out to his friend and disciple Peter. "Peter, please, come to me," Jesus shouts.

However, Jesus is being guarded by soldiers who have been told not to let anyone speak to Jesus.

This doesn't deter Peter, who hears the cries of his Messiah and tries to bypa...

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A man sees a crying woman by a pond. She is in a wheelchair and has no arms or legs.

He asks her why she is crying and she answers that she has never been hugged. Feeling pity, he hugs her then jogs away.


The next day he finds her crying again and she says she has never been kissed. The man kisses her and jogs away again.

On the third day the man sees her cryin...

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A hundred year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup

The doctor: "How are you?"
The man: "Very good! I have a new girlfriend!"
Doctor chuckles....
The man: "She is twenty years old!"
Doctor: "... but you know, every sexual activity could mean death!"
The man: "What can I say, would be a pity if she died..."

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A touching story my father told me when I was a lad,

So I was walking down the street one afternoon and a particularly dirty, broken down, beat up, sorry looking, shabby homeless man asked me for money,

I says, "why if I gave you money, surely you'll just spend it on booze!" I says!

He says, " no sir! I quit drinking years ago!"

....

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

A young married couple are walking down the street...

...suddenly the girl trips and stumbles against something and gets mud on her shoes. Her partner helps her clean up, hails a nearby taxi and they drive off.

An eyewitness retells the scene to another:
"I saw this couple walk down the street, the woman tripped and fell in the mud, the guy h...

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'd like some H2O." The second says, "I'll have some H20, too.”

The bartender says, “You damn fool! Don't ingest disinfectants! You’re supposed to be scientists—act like it, for pity’s sake. And how’d you even find an open bar violating the stay-at-home order?”

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Pity Poor Peter

I feel sorry for my friend Peter.

His hair’s a mess.

His family’s nuts.

His neighbor’s an asshole.

On bad days, his girlfriend's a c---.

And his owner beats him.

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I pity all cattle farmers

They have to deal with so much bullshit.

I told my GF that I'm jealous of her V-J. She shows me NO pity, though.

She just rubs it in my face

The Titanic

The Titanic was God's way of talking to us.

Pity, it was such a bad ice-breaker.

Pity the poor porpoises

This guy had a few porpoises in his swimming pool even though he knew it was illegal to have them as pets...

One day, he thought he would add a few sea gulls to have around his pool to add to the ambiance...

So, he ran an ad to find some sea gulls - - someone with a few sea gulls answe...

A group of ten ants just walked into my room.

They scurried about my room frantically, and out of pity I made a house for them out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my... Tenants

An old couple talks to their doctor about their memory loss. The doctor suggests that they write things down so they don't forget.

One day, both of them are sitting on the couch when Grandma asks for a bowl of ice cream.

"Coming right up," Gramps says, slowly getting onto his feet and heading towards the kitchen.

"Aren't you going to write that down?"

"Write that down? Of course not. I can remember a bowl o...

Santa spots a girl atop a tree...

He notices her ragged clothes and lack of undergarments.

Pitying the girl and in Christmas spirit, he asks her to come back down and gives her a crisp €5 bill. He implores her to splurge on a fresh set of underwear and have a great Christmas.

The girl, greatly delighted, heads back hom...

Shipping out soon!

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you'v...

A Man Buys a New Corvette

While driving it off the lot he decides to take it on the highway and really open things up. He hits the speed limit of 70MPH and continues to accelerate. 75MPH... 80MPH.... and out of nowhere a siren and the flashing lights of a patrol car come into view of his rear-view mirror. Thinking his new ca...

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What do you call a bunch of ugly people in a flying car having an orgy because they feel sorry for each other?

A shitty pity gang bang

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The man and the camel (NSFW)

A man travels with his camel through a big desert. After days of traveling he gets really horny and decides to fuck the camel. As he approaches the camel, the camel turns his head towards the man and gives him a sad face. The man pities the camel and decides to continue the journey. After days of tr...

Mr. T opened up an all you can eat buffet.

It's called I Pity The Full

I hear you, brother

\- Pity me sir, I have a wife and six children, said the beggar.

The gentleman replied: - Dear fellow! Accept my heartfelt sympathy, so have I!

Once there was a stupidly large family...

Once there was a stupidly large family with 100 children, all named “One, Two, Three,” and so on.

The child named Ninety grew up to be a strict person with an average job and life. She got married and had 3 children, all of which were mischevious and often got into trouble. They became very c...

I was about to eat my hamburger when an old lady approached me and beg me for food...

I felt pity on her and gave her half of my burger. Turns out she was a Fairy

Poof

Fairy: because of your kindness i will grant you one wish

Me: Really? I want a brand new Ferrari!

And there it was, 1/2 of a Ferrari

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My niece’s joke...

First she told us the old, “why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he was feeling crumby”

Being encouraged by the pity laugh from everyone, she made up this little gem:

Why did the unicorn go to the hospital? Because he was feeling horny!

A drunk was walking down the highway

He staggered all over the road and was close to being hit by traffic many times. The local preacher came along and felt pity for the drunk so he stopped the car and offered to drive him home.

The drunk got into the preacher's car and they drove to the drunken man's driveway.

"Can you ...

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My mate just rang me in tears. His wife has left him and taken his Bob Marley collection and satellite dish!

I pity the poor bastard

No Woman No Sky!

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So there are these two statues in a plaza

and they've been placed in such a way that they stare deep into each other's eyes. They are stuck like this, never able to touch or talk.
One day, God grants them an hour of life out of pity. They immediately run into each other's arms and embrace the joy of the situation.
They spot ...

A man is trying to pickup a woman at the beach.

And he’s not having too much luck. He sees that the lifeguard is very successful with charming the ladies, so he goes up to the lifeguard and asks, “what’s your secret?”

The lifeguard takes pity on him, so he tells him, “look, don’t tell anyone, but I take a potato and place it into my swimsu...

A man with a stutters sits on a train

He asks his neighbour: "e e excu cu se se m m me, wh wh what t t ti time i i is i i it?"

His neighbour remains quiet. This repeats a few times until a friendly person takes a pity and answers the stuttering guy.

After the stuttering guy leaves the train, the friendly person asks the...

A man in a truck is speeding, looking quite frantic, and gets pulled over by police...

A man in a truck is speeding, looking quite frantic, and gets pulled over by a policeman.

The policeman walks over to the truck, where he can see, to his surprise, there are 50 ducks.

He asks the man why he was speeding. The man replies, "I've got so many ducks, and I don't know what ...

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A guy is lying in his hospital bed

He is wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"


"I’m sorr...

The Poor Snake Named Nate

So... Nate the Snake was the king of the jungle, by virtue of his
immense size. Nate was the size of a freight train, and had a similar outlook on life. He ruled largely through terror and intimidation.


One day Nate the Snake was rumbling through the jungle, as was his own. Whenev...

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Two blondes are in heaven.

One blonde says to the other, "how did you die"?

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your finge...

Closing brothel

In a neighbourhood, there was a brothel closing down and selling or giving away furniture. Alongside the furniture was a parrot that was left behind, which had earned an experience from looking around and hearing stuff there. So an elderly wife with two children, a son and a daughter, decided to go ...

Two Irishmen are walking down the street looking for a job.

One sees a sign that says, "Tree fellers wanted." He turns to his companion and says, "Aye, 'tis a pity dere's only the two of us!"

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The best engine in the world

The best engine in the world is the vagina, it takes any size piston, is self lubricating, starts with 1 finger, and every 4 weeks it does it's own oil change.

It's just a pity the management system is so fucking temperamental.

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Two beggars sit outside a church in St. Petersburg in Tsarist Russia

Each has a hat on the ground in front of him. One of the beggars is wearing a cross around his neck and the other is clearly an old Jew.

When services are over, the doors of the church open, and the crowd of Russians walk out. One by one, the Russians spit on the old Jew and very deliberately...

What does Mr. T say when he sees a fat lady at a bar?

I pity the stool!

3 thieves were brought to the king's palace for punishment

The king orders his men to hit them with a whip 50 times each but since the king was kind, he allowed all 3 of them to make a wish before their punishment.

The first guy asks for a pillow to be tied up on his back, which gets torn up after 10 whips and so he has to bear 40 whips

The se...

Staking a claim

In 1897 a young man set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect for gold.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses t...

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Made this myself. I'm very proud

A priest is visited by Christ himself in his dream. The Son of God warns him that danger is coming his way, and his family will be at risk as well. The priest asks for guidance, and Jesus takes pity on him and says, "give your blessing to the droplets of my land." And with that, the priest wakes up....

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A man is walking down the beach...

...and he sees this woman there lying on a beach towel, all on her own.

As he gets closer, he notices that she doesn't have any arms or legs, and that she is crying. Out of slight pity he approaches her.

"Excuse me" the man says, "are you ok?"

"No!" The woman replied, "all my fr...

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A bird is flying south for the winters

It freezes mid-flight and falls down on the snow in a farm. A cow passing by takes pity on it and shits on it to keep it warm.

After few minutes the bird regains consciousness because of the warmth and starts chirping.

A cat hears it, picks it out of the shit, cleans it and eats it....

Pinocchio's problem

Pinocchio complains to his father saying 'Whenever I attempt to make love to a woman, she complains of splinters.' His father shows pity and gives Pinocchio a piece of sandpaper to smooth his member down whenever he needs to. A few days later during dinner his father asks, 'How are the girls?' Pino...

Roman Numerals are very interesting... [LONG JOKE]

You turn on the radio one morning to find another one of those Rap songs where every 4th word is a swear. Naturally the Radio bleeps it out, but you realize that it sounds familiar. You realize that the rappers are speaking in Morse code.

Your eyes widen as you swerve over onto the shoulder ...

Quiz show

I was on a quiz show once and they asked me to come up with a 5-letter palindrome that starts with K.

It's a pity, I was stumped but if I had answered correctly I'd have won a new kayak.

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Susan the cow

Susan the cow was just in the meadow grazing, when she heard the sound of bells. Panicking she starts running towards the barn, where shes met by more ringing of bells. Looking around Susan sees Garet the bull and all his heifers. They all had fancy bells on that make delightful noises at ever movem...

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Three men climb the stairway to heaven.

At the top of the stairs is a train station, where a ticket man stops them. He explains to the men that souls may board a train from here that will take them the rest of the way up to heaven. However, the train runs on a schedule, and is nearly full.

"I'm sorry fellers" says the ticket man. <...

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A walk on the beach

On my first (and so far only) visit to Hawaii, I was staying at a beautiful little cottage outside Hilo. There's a neat little place called Uncle's Awa Club, where they hold a farmer's market, live music, food of all kinds... Right in the lava zone, very remote.

I'd read about one of the boot...

A joke for Tony Bennett fans...

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good.
Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.

Larry went to heaven and ...

A man was looking for a job

A man was looking for a job. The only issue was that he had a harelip, so he was hard to understand. One day, he sees a man walking up the street selling laundry detergent door to door, and approaches him. The man says in a cracking voice, "excuse me sir, are you hiring?" The salesman replies, "I do...

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The tale of Paul and Old Joe

There once was a man named Paul who, after some trouble with the law, found himself homeless behind a fast food joint just outside of Wichita, Kansas. He stayed there for a few days, drinking from the bathroom sinks and eating scraps from the trash, when an old rancher named Joe found him and took p...

An English sailor is swept overboard and ends upon alone on an island

In a terrible storm in the south seas, an English sailor is swept overboard. Somehow he manages to find enough wood to cling to, survives the storm, and eventually washes up on an island.


After giving up on any hope of a quick rescue, he realizes he must make do. As an member of the R...

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An Irishman walks into a bar...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!” “How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

An Irish p...

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