The 102+ Best Evil Jokes

What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil?

The American Healthcare System

Women are evil...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident and it’s a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. You're a hand...

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know how much she charges,

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.

Edit: Considering the attention, I should attribute this to the great Emo Phillips:

"People come up to me concerned... I'll reproduce"

"People come up to me and ask, Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"I len...

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker

Ooh, you evil calendar.

Your days are numbered.

If the number 666 is considered evil

..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

Why is the North Korean dictator so evil?

Because he has no Seoul.

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My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?

Squire: 384 my liege

king: Ok, round them up

Squire: 400 my liege

A nun stood outside a tavern, scolding patrons as they entered about the evils of alcohol...

One gent stops to discuss the matter:

“See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?”

“Most certainly not!” the nun says, blushing.

“We...

What do you call a turkey's evil twin?

A Gobblegänger.

What does an evil hen lay?

Deviled eggs!

The Evil Hitchhiker?

So "I" was driving (it's told from the first person) - saw a hitchhicker. It was dark and raining and he looked a little rough, but I picked him up anyway..

After he climbs in and we pull back out onto the highway, he turns to me and, with a wry grin and a glint in his eye, says "How do y...

If 666 is the number of evil...

Then 25.8069758011279 is the root to all evils?

What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.

I just opened a wig shop for vengeful mad scientists and evil geniuses experiencing hair loss.

It's called "There'll be hell toupe".

My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil

I still don't know how much she charged him though.

A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol

So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.

He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.

He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"

His son thou...

How do you know if money is the root of all evil?

Isreal and Palestine have been divided by a bank for decades!

I met an evil glassblower the other day...

They made the most vial creations.

The old, evil, bald king had three sons.

The youngest one shared his traits but the two older sons were not of an evil nature. In order to make sure the youngest one succeeded him, the king captured a fairy and promised it freedom in exchange for a wish.

"I wish for my youngest son to be my heir" said the king.

The son disapp...

Satan went to the doctor because he felt he wasn’t evil enough for the current times….

After his check up the doctor prescribed to him some meta-sin.

An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)

Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.

F...

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An evil black knight and a holy white knight meet on the field of battle

The black knight calls out to his opponent, "behold the power of my sturdy lance and my steed! We will conquer this land and enslave its people on behalf of the dark wizard!"

The white knight responds, "nary have I enountered such a vile and wicked man! The people of this holy land shall rem...

What does an evil cow say after it does something evil?

“Moo hahaha…Moo hahaha”

Did you hear about the evil queen who screwed up her own fairy tale and turned Snow White into The Little Mermaid?

She misread the directions and sent a poisson apple

We've had about 7 or 8 Resident Evil games so far...

when do we get our first Attending Physician Evil?

I'm so sick of all the right vs left BS! it's all 'the left are so evil all they do is ..' or 'the right is so evil all they care about is ..'

First off, it's divisive and bringing out the worst in people. Completely ruining the country. Secondly, who the hell really judges people based solely on which Twix they prefer?!

Where do evil wizards do their shopping?

Volde Mart.

What is the most Evil letter of the Alphabet?

Not Z!

who's the most evil muslim person that ever lived?

a guy named Muhahahahahamed, probably

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There's a new horror movie out about the evil offspring of adult movie stars.

It's call Children of the Porn.

What do you call evil duck rituals?

Fowl practices!

What do you call an evil genius in Boston?

Wicked smaht

What do evil spirits say on Friday the 13th?

"Voorhees a jolly good fellow!"

Dr Horrible got a great deal on getting into the Evil League of Evil

It only cost him a Penny

Reddit's being overrun by an evil cabal of hyper-intelligent cow-people, and I have proof!

[remoooved]

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Ah if it isn't catdog's evil twin

Pussybitch

The problem with the American two-party system is that everyone agrees one political party is stupid and the other party is evil

But they violently disagree about which one is which.

Excorcising an evil computer be like...

The power of Christ compiles you!

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPILES YOU!

In the Resident Evil series, how does one make a proper Jill Sandwich?

You put it between two slices of Breadfield and then add some Weskershire sauce.

What's the most evil of breakfasts?

Luftwaffles

Today in History class we learned that evil slave traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open.

A terrible, early form of click bait.

How do you stop an evil mathematician who only uses binomials

You FOIL his plans

Why don’t vampires feel bad about the evil things they do?

They’re incapable of reflection

(I’ll see myself out)

Below the southern border is a world of corruption and evil

Good thing I live in North Korea, all praise our glorious leader

The Evils of Alcohol . . .

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”...

Did you all hear about the one about the evil shapeshifter?

He turned himself into the police!

Batma and Robi, having found the evil villain's lair, are running through it, trying to find him, before he can execute his evil plan.

They go through the entire thing, but the villain is nowhere to be found! Panicking, Batma yells,

"Where is the joke?!"

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." —Henny Youngman

Henry "Henny" Youngman was an English-American comedian and musician famous for his mastery of the "one-liner". 1906 - 1988

Why girls are evil

Girls cost time and money: time\*money

Wall Street says time is money: money\^{2}

So girls are money squared

The bible says money is the root of all evil: sqrt.money

Evil is the square root of money

money\^{2} = sqrt. money

take the square root of money\^{2}...

I'm starting a protest against the evil capitalist structure promoted by Vietnamese soup salesmen.

We are Anti-Pho

Wanna know why jogging is evil?

"The wicked flee though no one pursues, but the righteous stand as bold as a lion."

Proverbs 28:1

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight

“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope!

In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Po...

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The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

Mummies aren't all evil.

They get a bad wrap.

I'd like to hire a bad guy, demon, or evil spirit

asking for a Fiend

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what do you call a evil creature with boobs?

a soulless entitty

Why is North Korea evil?

Because it's Seoul-less! ;D

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.

I think my optometrist is evil. When I went for an appointment he came out to the waiting room and shouted:

You'll see! You'll all see!

If you ever encounter an evil witch show them the periodic table

They're good at chemistry

What's an evil gathering called?

A demonstration

A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon ev...

The great part about dating evil doctors is that

They just steal your heart.

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that an evil scientist used to experiment on.

His name was FrankEinstein

Before Doomslayer, devils were just evil.

But then he gave them the D.

What do you call an angel that turned evil?

A 180° Angel

Maybe 'Bald'emort become evil because...

...He wanted to get 'hairy'.

I just did a public rant about how evil people who make up stories on the internet are.

When I was done, everyone clapped.

Titles are evil

Last night there was a fire at Krispy Kreme.

Needless to say,everything was burnt to a krisp

Definition of Evil intent.....

Satan living in a wigwam.

How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?

They bless the reins down in Africa

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If non Cristians and evil People go to hell,

It must be awkward to have Hitler there with all 6 million Jews

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.

The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your child...

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Two blokes were on a plane one day.......

........ and they were sitting side by side. Coincidentally, they each had one black eye. They started talking.. 'hey mate do you mind if I ask how you got your black eye?'. 'Yeah no worries', the other one responded. 'I was at the airport check in and when I got to the counter, I couldn't help but ...

There was an evil witch who owned a parking lot.

The sign said, "$2.50/hour, 4 hours max"

"Violators will be toad"

Do you know what evil kisses sound like?

Muah hahaha

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What do you call an evil potato?

A dick tater.

What does an evil genius say when he completes one of his diabolical schemes?

Done, done, donnnnnne.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

Today I quit drinking for good

now I only drink for evil

No wonder North Korea's so evil...

It's hard to be merciful if you have no Seoul

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Fairy and the evil bastard.

There was a fairy who granted 3 wishes to everyone she met. But there was an evil bastard.

Fairy:"Because you're an evil bastard, you only get one wish."

Evil bastard:"Ok, go f*ck yourself."

What happens to evil rabbits?

They carrot in hell.

My car can speed faster than bullets, drive under water and knock down evil like bowling pins.

It's a Porsche to be reckoned with

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I wish Christian guys would make up their minds, one minute they are saying homosexuality is a sin and that sodomy is evil

The next they are telling me how good it felt to let Jesus enter them.

The Hero reaches the champion and guard of the evil Emperor, and decides to say an epic line.

"My ancestors are smiling at me, Imperial. Can you say the same about you?"

To which the Imperial responds:

>!"No, I've never met your ancestors, why would they smile at me?"!<

True Evil - Mathematical Proof

We have all heard the saying that Time is money.

We also know that Girls take time and money.

There is also a saying that Money is the root of all evil.

Thus if my math is correct...

Time = Money

Girls = Time x money = Money^2

Money =√Evil

Thus by...

I have an evil masterplan.

I'm going to drill a huge hole through the Moon and thread a massive piece of string through it.

Then I will finally be able to conker the World

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Hitler was a very evil guy, we all hate him.

So we should make a statue of the man who killed him.

How do you get bullied by evil spirits?

By communicating with them with a Wedgie Board.

Some people say I am an evil person. But thats not true. I have the heart of a sweet young girl,

in a jar under my bed.

I've finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil

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What do you call an evil cat, who only lives to be an ass hole?

A cat.

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There once was an evil queen...

This queen was a dreadful ruler, but it was primarily because, like superman, she was an extra terrestrial being practically immortal, and superior to the human race she conquered. She'd make continents(ignoring Antarctica) compete in building large sculptures of her and the last place sculpture wou...

What do you call it when two unspeakably awful demons compete to see which is the most evil?

The 2016 election.

Once upon a time an evil witch decided to curse a young prince into a bear. The cursed prince sought help from a good wizard, but he refused. Why?

The prince was unbearable.

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