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My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

How does an evil cows laughter sound like?

Muuhahaha

My car can speed faster than bullets, drive under water and knock down evil like bowling pins.

It's a Porsche to be reckoned with

If number 666 is evil,

then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

Mummies aren't all evil.

They get a bad wrap.

What does an evil genius say when he completes one of his diabolical schemes?

Done, done, donnnnnne.

Why is the North Korean dictator so evil?

Because he has no Seoul.

who's the most evil muslim person that ever lived?

a guy named Muhahahahahamed, probably

I'm gonna cast an evil spell

E-V-I-L

Wanna know why jogging is evil?

"The wicked flee though no one pursues, but the righteous stand as bold as a lion."

Proverbs 28:1

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What do you call an evil person?

Steve. Fuck you Steve I hope you die.

Me wife is so evil, she has lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know what she charges him.

How do you get bullied by evil spirits?

By communicating with them with a Wedgie Board.

The Evils of Alcohol . . .

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”...

How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?

They bless the reins down in Africa

I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.




Edit: Considering the attention, I should attribute this to the great Emo Phillips:

"People come up to me concerned... I'll reproduce"

"People come up to me and ask, Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"I len...

An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)

Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.

F...

How do you stop an evil mathematician who only uses binomials

You FOIL his plans

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Fairy and the evil bastard.

There was a fairy who granted 3 wishes to everyone she met. But there was an evil bastard.

Fairy:"Because you're an evil bastard, you only get one wish."

Evil bastard:"Ok, go f*ck yourself."

What is the opposite of evil?

Live

Vaccines are a disgusting evil to society that cause mental and physical deformities. That’s why I’m the proud anti-vaxx mother of 5 beautiful children.

Edit 1: 4 beautiful children

Edit 2: 3 beautiful children

Edit 3: 2 beautiful children

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The results from hell's annual evil dictators golf tournament:

Kim Jong Il took the win with no less than 7 aces, Stalin came a surprising second despite having borrowed Franz Ferdinand's driver, and chairman Mao's strategy of shooting for birdies proved quite disasterous, just barely scraping past Hitler who, as usual, spent most of the day in the bunker.

Titles are evil

Last night there was a fire at Krispy Kreme.

Needless to say,everything was burnt to a krisp

Below the southern border is a world of corruption and evil

Good thing I live in North Korea, all praise our glorious leader

True Evil - Mathematical Proof

We have all heard the saying that Time is money.

We also know that Girls take time and money.

There is also a saying that Money is the root of all evil.

Thus if my math is correct...


Time = Money

Girls = Time x money = Money^2

Money =√Evil

Thus by...

What do you call an angel that turned evil?

A 180° Angel

Definition of Evil intent.....

Satan living in a wigwam.

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Ah if it isn't catdog's evil twin

Pussybitch

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Going to Hell [Long]

The evil man arrived in Hell and was immediately greeted by his Eternal Assignment Demon. They walked down a dank hallway until they came upon a door. “This is your first option of three for you to serve your eternal damnation. Behold.” The EAD slides the hatch on the door and the evil man (let’s ca...

I have an evil masterplan.

I'm going to drill a huge hole through the Moon and thread a massive piece of string through it.


Then I will finally be able to conker the World

I finally quit drinking for good

Now I drink for evil

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If non Cristians and evil People go to hell,

It must be awkward to have Hitler there with all 6 million Jews

The police finally caught the guy who cut off my arm.

People say he's evil, but I think he just needed a shoulder to cry on.

King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?

Squire: 384 my liege

king: Ok, round them up

Squire: 400 my liege

If Santa was an evil dictator, what weapon would he use to rule the world?

Nuclear Missiletoe

Once upon a time an evil witch decided to curse a young prince into a bear. The cursed prince sought help from a good wizard, but he refused. Why?

The prince was unbearable.

What DO you do with a drunken sailor?

Make a Disney Trilogy featuring an evil Scottish octopus and rake in the money

What happens to evil rabbits?

They carrot in hell.

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Two thieves see a horse...

Two thieves see a horse tied to a hitch outside of a tavern in a small rural town. They decide they want want to steal the horse, but they're pretty sure they'll get caught trying to make their escape from the town in the middle of nowhere.

The one thief says to the other: "I have an idea. ...

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The police knocked on the door of a small Appalachian farmhouse.

"Good evening sir. We have received a report that you have been distilling illegal moonshine!"

"Me?! Moonshining?! That is a god damn lie! Never have I been so insulted in my entire life! I've never done anything like that! These are evil rumours that somebody has spread! - And I'll tell you ...

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The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

What do you call a trans demon?

An Evil Trap.

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

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A man dies and goes to Hell...

Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis.



One day, the man comes up with his dar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the
barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front
of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares
at him.sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the
Devil's drink like that?" she asks...

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My friend rents out his buildings— one to the neo- Nazis, and the other to the KKK.

He is a leaser of two evils.

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Death awards 72 virgins to an evil man...

Guy: You mean to tell me, these are my 72 virgins?!!!

Death: Uhh yeah, what’s the problem?

Guy: I’m not sticking my dick in any dudes!!

Death: Who said anything about you sticking YOUR dick in THEM?

Guy:.....

Death: *hands him lube* You better grease up...it’s gon...

An old mafia boss was at the end of his life

He knew he didn't have much time left to live and he was getting worried about where he might end up after his death if he did not get absolution for his sins. He had been a very evil person and he knew that any old village priest would not be able to do the job so instead he arranged a meeting with...

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A priest dies and stands in front of God.

A priest dies and stands in front of God.

God looks at the priest's ledger of good and evil and smiles after finishing it. Looking up at the priest, God says "I'm satisfied with how you've lived and how you've spent your life. I give you the option to choose — Hell or heaven?"

The prie...

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Two men arrived at the pearly gates.

"Any words before you enter?" asked Jesus.



"Who are you?" asked the first man.



"What?" asked Jesus. "You mean--you don't know who I am? My name's Jesus. My face is everywhere, surely you know who I am!"



"No," said the first man. "I don't know who you are....

Where do evil mathematicians go?

Prism.

A priest, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath.

The psychopath says "I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you."

The priest says a short prayer, kisses his cross, and holds the snake. It bites him, and he falls d...

Why is North Korea evil?

Because it's Seoul-less! ;D

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.

As a lover of ghostly evil characters I REALLY love my local D&D group

It's Wights only

Why don’t vampires feel bad about the evil things they do?

They’re incapable of reflection

(I’ll see myself out)

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor....

....so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dr...

What is Leon's (from Resident Evil 2) favorite number?

808 (ADA WAIT!)

Girls are evil...

(Saw this about 10 years ago)

If you have a girlfriend, then you know they cost time and money. Therefore:

Girls = time × money
But:
time = money
So:
Girls = money x money
Which means:
Girls = money^2

Now we all know that money is the root of all evil. So:
...

What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.

If 666 is the mark of the beast...

... and the beast is pure evil wouldn't 25.8069758011278803 technically be the root of all evil?

What do you call it when two unspeakably awful demons compete to see which is the most evil?

The 2016 election.

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Hitler was a very evil guy, we all hate him.

So we should make a statue of the man who killed him.

Women are evil...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident and it’s a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. You're a hand...

What does an evil cow say?

Moohaha

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There once was an evil queen...

This queen was a dreadful ruler, but it was primarily because, like superman, she was an extra terrestrial being practically immortal, and superior to the human race she conquered. She'd make continents(ignoring Antarctica) compete in building large sculptures of her and the last place sculpture wou...

What's an evil gathering called?

A demonstration

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I wish Christian guys would make up their minds, one minute they are saying homosexuality is a sin and that sodomy is evil

The next they are telling me how good it felt to let Jesus enter them.

People ask, "Why do you hunt evil spirits?"

It's because my doctor said exorcising would be good for me.

What does the evil optometrist say?

"you'll see. You'll all see! Muahahahaha!"

No wonder North Korea's so evil...

It's hard to be merciful if you have no Seoul

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that an evil scientist used to experiment on.

His name was FrankEinstein

What does an evil chicken lay?

Deviled eggs

A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol

So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.

He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.

He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"

His son thou...

Some people say I am an evil person. But thats not true. I have the heart of a sweet young girl,

in a jar under my bed.

Reddit's being run by an evil cabal of hyper-intelligent cow-people, and I have proof!

[remoooved]

Did you ever hear about the Lucky Charms leprechaun's evil twin?

He was tragically malicious.

Me: HOW COULD YOU LET YOUR EVIL BABY SHEEP ESCAPE? Sous: I hid it away with Gordon Ramsey.

Me: WHERE’S THE DAMNED LAMB SOUS??!!

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Hitler wasn't EVIL...

...In his mind, he was doing it for all the Reich reasons.

Women are evil

And I can prove it

first, we know that any relationship with a woman requires time and money therefore...

Women = time * money

...and as we all know, "time is money":

Time = Money

...and therefore:

Women = Money * Money = (Money)^2

...and because "Mon...

Just as there is a balance of good and evil....

There's a Friday for every Monday.
Have a great week :)

My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil

I still don't know how much she charged him though.

What did the evil fraction say?

You will never stop my plans for world denomination.

Dr Horrible got a great deal on getting into the Evil League of Evil

It only cost him a Penny

Why do evil spirits make terrible drivers?

Because they aren't sure when to stop, or Wendigo.

What do you call an evil baby cow?

A veal-lin.

My friend thinks that the Canadian PM is an evil guy.

I don't think that's Trudeau.

Did you hear about the robot that looks eerily like Evil Knievel?

He's doing a motorcycle jump over the uncanny valley.

What do you call an evil paper bag?

Tear-ible

I'm gonna pitch a show to Netflix, called"Speak No Evil"

Its about mimes that commit murder

What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit?

Try to neghostiate.

What's Swedish Chef's evil twin's name?

Swedish Jeff

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I went to an evil hypnotherapist by mistake...

Now every time my wife offers me oral I shit myself.

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