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Evil Jokes

What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil?

The American Healthcare System
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Women are evil...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident and it’s a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. You're a hand...
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Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.
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The Evil Hitchhiker?

So "I" was driving (it's told from the first person) - saw a hitchhicker. It was dark and raining and he looked a little rough, but I picked him up anyway..

After he climbs in and we pull back out onto the highway, he turns to me and, with a wry grin and a glint in his eye, says "How do y...
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If the number 666 is considered evil

..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?
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Ooh, you evil calendar.

Your days are numbered.
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Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...
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My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know how much she charges,
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Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker
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I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.




Edit: Considering the attention, I should attribute this to the great Emo Phillips:

"People come up to me concerned... I'll reproduce"

"People come up to me and ask, Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"I len...
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What do you call a turkey's evil twin?

A Gobblegänger.
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What does an evil hen lay?

Deviled eggs!
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King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?

Squire: 384 my liege

king: Ok, round them up

Squire: 400 my liege
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A nun stood outside a tavern, scolding patrons as they entered about the evils of alcohol...

One gent stops to discuss the matter:

“See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?”

“Most certainly not!” the nun says, blushing.

“We...
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Why is the North Korean dictator so evil?

Because he has no Seoul.
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A man is about to walk into a bar, when a num holding a sign that reads "alcohol is evil" stops him.

The nun tells him about the evils of alcohol, "alcohol is evil! Alcohol is the devils tool!

Then, the nun says something that really effected the man. "What would your parents think!" The man explains how both his parents have passed away, and how he's not sure what they would think.

T...

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My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.
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Before Doomslayer, devils were just evil.

But then he gave them the D.
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What is Leon's (from Resident Evil 2) favorite number?

808 (ADA WAIT!)
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Dr Horrible got a great deal on getting into the Evil League of Evil

It only cost him a Penny
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There's a rumor an evil spirit is haunting houses nearby

They say that if it enters your house, your spelling starts to worsen. But that is only suprestition, ther is no whey deth e gost Ken du sash è t1ng, rait?
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An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)

Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.

F...
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I just opened a wig shop for vengeful mad scientists and evil geniuses experiencing hair loss.

It's called "There'll be hell toupe".
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I met an evil glassblower the other day...

They made the most vial creations.
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A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol

So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.

He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.

He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"

His son thou...
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The old, evil, bald king had three sons.

The youngest one shared his traits but the two older sons were not of an evil nature. In order to make sure the youngest one succeeded him, the king captured a fairy and promised it freedom in exchange for a wish.

"I wish for my youngest son to be my heir" said the king.

The son disapp...
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What does an evil cow say after it does something evil?

“Moo hahaha…Moo hahaha”
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Where do evil wizards do their shopping?

Volde Mart.
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We've had about 7 or 8 Resident Evil games so far...

when do we get our first Attending Physician Evil?
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I'm so sick of all the right vs left BS! it's all 'the left are so evil all they do is ..' or 'the right is so evil all they care about is ..'

First off, it's divisive and bringing out the worst in people. Completely ruining the country. Secondly, who the hell really judges people based solely on which Twix they prefer?!
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Excorcising an evil computer be like...

The power of Christ compiles you!

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPILES YOU!
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What is the most Evil letter of the Alphabet?

Not Z!
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What do you call evil duck rituals?

Fowl practices!
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What's the most evil of breakfasts?

Luftwaffles
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Why girls are evil

Girls cost time and money: time\*money

Wall Street says time is money: money\^{2}

So girls are money squared

The bible says money is the root of all evil: sqrt.money

Evil is the square root of money

money\^{2} = sqrt. money

take the square root of money\^{2}...
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Today I quit drinking for good

now I only drink for evil
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My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil

I still don't know how much she charged him though.
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What do you call an evil genius in Boston?

Wicked smaht
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What do evil spirits say on Friday the 13th?

"Voorhees a jolly good fellow!"
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How do you know if money is the root of all evil?

Isreal and Palestine have been divided by a bank for decades!
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Ah if it isn't catdog's evil twin

Pussybitch

The Evils of Alcohol . . .

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”...
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who's the most evil muslim person that ever lived?

a guy named Muhahahahahamed, probably
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Batma and Robi, having found the evil villain's lair, are running through it, trying to find him, before he can execute his evil plan.

They go through the entire thing, but the villain is nowhere to be found! Panicking, Batma yells,

"Where is the joke?!"
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Wanna know why jogging is evil?

"The wicked flee though no one pursues, but the righteous stand as bold as a lion."

Proverbs 28:1
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Definition of Evil intent.....

Satan living in a wigwam.
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What's an evil gathering called?

A demonstration
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Is it possible for an evil spirit to be dyslexic ?

Asking for a fiend.
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Why don’t vampires feel bad about the evil things they do?

They’re incapable of reflection

(I’ll see myself out)
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Did you all hear about the one about the evil shapeshifter?

He turned himself into the police!
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Mummies aren't all evil.

They get a bad wrap.
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They say man is evil

As a woman, I don't see what all the fuss is about.
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I've finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil
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Why is North Korea evil?

Because it's Seoul-less! ;D

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.
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Maybe 'Bald'emort become evil because...

...He wanted to get 'hairy'.
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There's a new horror movie out about the evil offspring of adult movie stars.

It's call Children of the Porn.

In the Resident Evil series, how does one make a proper Jill Sandwich?

You put it between two slices of Breadfield and then add some Weskershire sauce.
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True Evil - Mathematical Proof

We have all heard the saying that Time is money.

We also know that Girls take time and money.

There is also a saying that Money is the root of all evil.

Thus if my math is correct...


Time = Money

Girls = Time x money = Money^2

Money =√Evil

Thus by...
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No wonder North Korea's so evil...

It's hard to be merciful if you have no Seoul
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What happens to evil rabbits?

They carrot in hell.
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How do you stop an evil mathematician who only uses binomials

You FOIL his plans
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Satan went to the doctor because he felt he wasn’t evil enough for the current times….

After his check up the doctor prescribed to him some meta-sin.
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Reddit's being overrun by an evil cabal of hyper-intelligent cow-people, and I have proof!

[remoooved]
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An evil black knight and a holy white knight meet on the field of battle

The black knight calls out to his opponent, "behold the power of my sturdy lance and my steed! We will conquer this land and enslave its people on behalf of the dark wizard!"

The white knight responds, "nary have I enountered such a vile and wicked man! The people of this holy land shall rem...

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The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

What is the opposite of evil?

Live
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A teacher tells her students to write a sentence defining power.

Once everyone has finished, she reads the sentences out to the class:

\- "Power is when you can do good," - Good, Max, nice sentence. That's an A.

\- "Power is when you can do good and punish evil," - very good, Sarah, beautiful. That's an A+.

\- "Power is when you have a lot of...
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Women are evil

And I can prove it

first, we know that any relationship with a woman requires time and money therefore...

Women = time * money

...and as we all know, "time is money":

Time = Money

...and therefore:

Women = Money * Money = (Money)^2

...and because "Mon...
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Fairy and the evil bastard.

There was a fairy who granted 3 wishes to everyone she met. But there was an evil bastard.

Fairy:"Because you're an evil bastard, you only get one wish."

Evil bastard:"Ok, go f*ck yourself."

I have an evil masterplan.

I'm going to drill a huge hole through the Moon and thread a massive piece of string through it.


Then I will finally be able to conker the World
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what do you call a evil creature with boobs?

a soulless entitty

What do you call an angel that turned evil?

A 180° Angel
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Below the southern border is a world of corruption and evil

Good thing I live in North Korea, all praise our glorious leader
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Do you know what evil kisses sound like?

Muah hahaha
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I'm gonna cast an evil spell

E-V-I-L
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." —Henny Youngman

Henry "Henny" Youngman was an English-American comedian and musician famous for his mastery of the "one-liner". 1906 - 1988
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There once was an evil queen...

This queen was a dreadful ruler, but it was primarily because, like superman, she was an extra terrestrial being practically immortal, and superior to the human race she conquered. She'd make continents(ignoring Antarctica) compete in building large sculptures of her and the last place sculpture wou...

I'd like to hire a bad guy, demon, or evil spirit

asking for a Fiend
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If non Cristians and evil People go to hell,

It must be awkward to have Hitler there with all 6 million Jews

How do you get bullied by evil spirits?

By communicating with them with a Wedgie Board.
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Everything is relative

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money
to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same
church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could
he see right through the brothers...
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What do you call an evil potato?

A dick tater.

There was an evil witch who owned a parking lot.

The sign said, "$2.50/hour, 4 hours max"

"Violators will be toad"
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What streaming service do evil demonic squids watch tv on?

Cthulu
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An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...
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If you ever encounter an evil witch show them the periodic table

They're good at chemistry
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I'm starting a protest against the evil capitalist structure promoted by Vietnamese soup salesmen.

We are Anti-Pho
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How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?

They bless the reins down in Africa
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A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...
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Two blokes were on a plane one day.......

........ and they were sitting side by side. Coincidentally, they each had one black eye. They started talking.. 'hey mate do you mind if I ask how you got your black eye?'. 'Yeah no worries', the other one responded. 'I was at the airport check in and when I got to the counter, I couldn't help but ...

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Hitler might have been the brains behind the evil Nazi regime..

But Eva was the Braun.

What did the evil fraction say?

You will never stop my plans for world denomination.
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At a U2 concert in Belfast,Ireland

Bono asked the audience for total silence.

Then in the silence he started to clap his hands. Once every few seconds.

Keeping the audience in silence he said into the microphone, “every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

From the front of the crowd a broad Irish acc...

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Hitler was a very evil guy, we all hate him.

So we should make a statue of the man who killed him.

Just as there is a balance of good and evil....

There's a Friday for every Monday.
Have a great week :)
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The problem with the American two-party system is that everyone agrees one political party is stupid and the other party is evil

But they violently disagree about which one is which.
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People ask, "Why do you hunt evil spirits?"

It's because my doctor said exorcising would be good for me.
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What do you call a dark, evil duck lord?

The King of Duckness.
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Satan Appears in a Church

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon...
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What's the name of the superhero that stops crimes by nagging the evil-doers?

Chider-Man.
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What do you call an evil paper bag?

Tear-ible
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What did the evil sheep want to do?

To wool the world
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What does an evil genius say when he completes one of his diabolical schemes?

Done, done, donnnnnne.
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A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...
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Two nuns are sitting in their car one evening, stuck at traffic lights.

As the lights turn green, out of nowhere, a vampire appears in front of their car!

Sister Mary turns to the more experienced Sister Agnes and cries out "Sister! A manifestation of pure evil! What shall we do!?"

Sister Agnes, with all of her holy wisdom, stays calm and says "Sister Mary...

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The evil tongues speak ill

The evil tongues speak ill.

The good tongues give orgasms.

There would be no evil in the word.....

if Satan had life alert.
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I went to an evil hypnotherapist by mistake...

Now every time my wife offers me oral I shit myself.

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