An evil witch put a curse on a prince so that he could only speak one word each year.

If he didn't say anything for a year, he would be able to say two words the next year and so on.

One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three m...

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An evil black knight and a holy white knight meet on the field of battle

The black knight calls out to his opponent, "behold the power of my sturdy lance and my steed! We will conquer this land and enslave its people on behalf of the dark wizard!"

The white knight responds, "nary have I enountered such a vile and wicked man! The people of this holy land shall rem...

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker

What do you call an evil genius in Boston?

Wicked smaht

The Evil Hitchhiker?

So "I" was driving (it's told from the first person) - saw a hitchhicker. It was dark and raining and he looked a little rough, but I picked him up anyway..

After he climbs in and we pull back out onto the highway, he turns to me and, with a wry grin and a glint in his eye, says "How do y...

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." —Henny Youngman

Henry "Henny" Youngman was an English-American comedian and musician famous for his mastery of the "one-liner". 1906 - 1988

Reddit's being overrun by an evil cabal of hyper-intelligent cow-people, and I have proof!

[remoooved]

Is it possible for an evil spirit to be dyslexic ?

Asking for a fiend.

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

Ooh, you evil calendar.

Your days are numbered.

A few minutes before the church service started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appears at the front doors of the church. Everyone starts screaming and running towards the exit, trampling over each-other in a frantic effort to try and escape evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman sitting calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious of the fact that God's mortal enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walks up to the man and asks, "do you know who I am?"

The man replies, "yep, sure do."

"Aren...

What did the evil optometrist say

They’ll see they’ll all see

What do you call an evil seamstress?

A looming threadt

When January finally arrives we'll find out whether we've defeated the evil year 2020 or not. According to my calendar...

Twenty-twenty won.

People may have hope for the year after that, but I hear it'll be twenty-twenty too.

A nun stood outside a tavern, scolding patrons as they entered about the evils of alcohol...

One gent stops to discuss the matter:

“See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?”

“Most certainly not!” the nun says, blushing.

“We...

Top Five Most Evil Dogs in the World

5. There are no evil dogs

4. There are no evil dogs

3. There are no evil dogs

2. There are no evil dogs

1. Chihuahua

My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know how much she charges,

What do anti-vaxxers do at Covid-19 funerals?

Stare at the ceiling.
_____________
**Thank you** /u/JustNick4 for giving this joke the extremely desirable **Evil Cackle Award**. I've never won an Evil Cackle Award before, so as you can imagine, I'm over the moon. I'm going to put it in the candy bowl every Halloween for the neighbor kids ...

Oh god save me

If there's any evil villain here who's secretly planning to destroy world, please do it fast. My offline exams are starting.

What's the most evil of breakfasts?

Luftwaffles

Today I quit drinking for good!

Now I only drink for evil.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

I'd like to hire a bad guy, demon, or evil spirit

asking for a Fiend

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from ev...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

I'm starting a protest against the evil capitalist structure promoted by Vietnamese soup salesmen.

We are Anti-Pho

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cinderella wants to go to the Ball

But her evil Step- mother won't allow her. Cinderella runs to the garden and cries. Suddenly her fairy godmother appears out of thin air. The fairy godmother asks "why are you crying child?" Cinderella tells her about the ball and her evil step-mother not letting her go. The fairy godmother tells C...

I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.




Edit: Considering the attention, I should attribute this to the great Emo Phillips:

"People come up to me concerned... I'll reproduce"

"People come up to me and ask, Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"I len...

What do you call a turkey's evil twin?

A Gobblegänger.

If number 666 is evil,

then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.

I think my optometrist is evil. When I went for an appointment he came out to the waiting room and shouted:

You'll see! You'll all see!

A patient walks into an optometrist's office.

The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there's any particular reason she came in for a checkup.

"Doctor, I think am having hallucinations. Every time I open my eyes, I see really dark things. Evil. Malice. Hatred. Plague. I am seeing the worst in everything. Nothing look...

The Priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night

Whispering firmly, the Priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!"The dying man said nothing.The priest repeated his order.Still the man said nothing.The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"The dying man said, "Until I know for sure w...

An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)

Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.

F...

I dunno, seems like a joke to me

Never use poems in evil ways. Well I'm

gonna do exactly that. I might as well

give you the knowledge that

you will be pranked **hard**. So leave. Still reading? You don't give

up easily. You should've

never read this. Let me just tell you that you're

gonna h...

My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...

...he’s really a big lyre.

Why is Kim Jong Un such an evil dictator?

Because he has no Seoul.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?

**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny bitchass girly voice.

**Me:** What do you mean?

**Therapist:** There it goes again.

Maybe 'Bald'emort become evil because...

...He wanted to get 'hairy'.

If you ever encounter an evil witch show them the periodic table

They're good at chemistry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an evil potato?

A dick tater.

If this isn't in a movie in the next two years then this year has been a waste!

Setting: Our hero, tied to a chair in a laboratory.
Evil torturer: "So you won't talk, eh?"
Our hero: "You will never make me talk."
ET: "Even if I force you to wear this?" (Whips around. Our hero sees he has a face mask in his hand.)
OH: "No not that! Anything but that. I will tell all....

Mummies aren't all evil.

They get a bad wrap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Donald Went Down to Georgia

The Donald went down to Georgia.

He was lookin' for a vote to steal.

He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind.

He was willing to make a deal

When he came across this old man givin' a speech and doin' it hot.

And the Donald jumped upon a hickory stump and said "Man...

King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?

Squire: 384 my liege

king: Ok, round them up

Squire: 400 my liege

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnnys mother recently gave birth to his brother little jimmy

Now little johny is jealous of all the attention and the gifts that his new brother little Jimmy is getting from his parents and neighbors. Evil little johny decides to poison him

One night when his mother was sleeping, little johny took some poison and applied it to her breasts and lips so t...

How do you stop an evil mathematician who only uses binomials

You FOIL his plans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ah if it isn't catdog's evil twin

Pussybitch

Below the southern border is a world of corruption and evil

Good thing I live in North Korea, all praise our glorious leader

If the number 666 is considered evil

..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

who's the most evil muslim person that ever lived?

a guy named Muhahahahahamed, probably

Why girls are evil

Girls cost time and money: time\*money

Wall Street says time is money: money\^{2}

So girls are money squared

The bible says money is the root of all evil: sqrt.money

Evil is the square root of money

money\^{2} = sqrt. money

take the square root of money\^{2}...

There was an evil witch who owned a parking lot.

The sign said, "$2.50/hour, 4 hours max"

"Violators will be toad"

Wanna know why jogging is evil?

"The wicked flee though no one pursues, but the righteous stand as bold as a lion."

Proverbs 28:1

Money is the root of all evil.

To learn more about this, please send a dollar to my PayPal account.

What do you call an angel that turned evil?

A 180° Angel

How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?

They bless the reins down in Africa

The Hero reaches the champion and guard of the evil Emperor, and decides to say an epic line.

"My ancestors are smiling at me, Imperial. Can you say the same about you?"

To which the Imperial responds:

>!"No, I've never met your ancestors, why would they smile at me?"!<

The Evils of Alcohol . . .

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.

What does an evil genius say when he completes one of his diabolical schemes?

Done, done, donnnnnne.

Definition of Evil intent.....

Satan living in a wigwam.

My car can speed faster than bullets, drive under water and knock down evil like bowling pins.

It's a Porsche to be reckoned with

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The results from hell's annual evil dictators golf tournament:

Kim Jong Il took the win with no less than 7 aces, Stalin came a surprising second despite having borrowed Franz Ferdinand's driver, and chairman Mao's strategy of shooting for birdies proved quite disasterous, just barely scraping past Hitler who, as usual, spent most of the day in the bunker.

Did you hear the one about the evil tuna?

He was rotten to the albacore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.



Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.



Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.



Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.



Man who leaps off cliff jumps to ...

Why is North Korea evil?

Because it's Seoul-less! ;D

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If non Cristians and evil People go to hell,

It must be awkward to have Hitler there with all 6 million Jews

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fairy and the evil bastard.

There was a fairy who granted 3 wishes to everyone she met. But there was an evil bastard.

Fairy:"Because you're an evil bastard, you only get one wish."

Evil bastard:"Ok, go f*ck yourself."

Women are evil...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident and it’s a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. You're a hand...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

What was the name of the zombie a cappella group?

Resonant Evil

Why do programmers never go to sleep?

Because goto is evil.

If Santa was an evil dictator, what weapon would he use to rule the world?

Nuclear Missiletoe

Why don’t vampires feel bad about the evil things they do?

They’re incapable of reflection

(I’ll see myself out)

How do you get bullied by evil spirits?

By communicating with them with a Wedgie Board.

I decided I was done drinking for good....

So until they get a decent 401K plan and insurance, I'm drinking for evil....

Did you ever hear about the Lucky Charms leprechaun's evil twin?

He was tragically malicious.

True Evil - Mathematical Proof

We have all heard the saying that Time is money.

We also know that Girls take time and money.

There is also a saying that Money is the root of all evil.

Thus if my math is correct...


Time = Money

Girls = Time x money = Money^2

Money =√Evil

Thus by...

What's an evil gathering called?

A demonstration

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that an evil scientist used to experiment on.

His name was FrankEinstein

An engineer is walking beside a pond...

..when a frog hops out onto the path and says "Please, sir, I am a beautiful princess. A kiss from you will release me from the evil spell that turned me into a frog!"

The engineer smiles, picks up the frog, and puts it in his pocket.

A commotion ensues in his pocket, and he takes the ...

Bill Gates dies and reaches the Pearly Gates....[Long]

Meets Saint Peter at the gates and he tells Bill, “because you brought computers, technology and helped humanity, we have decided to let you tour hell and after the tour, you get to decide if you want to stay there, or come into heaven”

“I get to choose?” Asked Bill

“Yes... But just re...

A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol

So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.

He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.

He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"

His son thou...

My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil

I still don't know how much she charged him though.

What does an evil chicken lay?

Deviled eggs

I have an evil masterplan.

I'm going to drill a huge hole through the Moon and thread a massive piece of string through it.


Then I will finally be able to conker the World

What happens to evil rabbits?

They carrot in hell.

A moth walks into a podiatrist’s office.

He says “Doc, I’m not doing so well. My wife, Mrs. Moth is thinking of leaving me, my son Julio Moth hates me, my daughter Cindy Moth is a failure, and my boss Gregory Linovich is an evil person who feeds off my very demise. You see, I work at a factory and I’ve been at the place for 20 plus years. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a double feature at the theatre tonight. The first film is about a sexually transmitted demon. The second is about an evil clown.

It follows It Follows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was an evil queen...

This queen was a dreadful ruler, but it was primarily because, like superman, she was an extra terrestrial being practically immortal, and superior to the human race she conquered. She'd make continents(ignoring Antarctica) compete in building large sculptures of her and the last place sculpture wou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler was a very evil guy, we all hate him.

So we should make a statue of the man who killed him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish Christian guys would make up their minds, one minute they are saying homosexuality is a sin and that sodomy is evil

The next they are telling me how good it felt to let Jesus enter them.

Dr Horrible got a great deal on getting into the Evil League of Evil

It only cost him a Penny

I have one of these (Long)

Little boy and little girl were playing in the sandbox when little boy gets an evil grin on his face and proudly displays his sand shovel to the little girl.

“I have one of these,” he exclaims, knowing she has no toys.

Little girl leaves the sandbox, running home crying.

She ret...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WW2. An Italian bishop is visiting a cloisters shortly after the liberation of the country...

He meets with the mother superior and asks her how she and the nuns did during the nazi occupation.

"Oh it was terrible, father. First came the fascists and violated all, but sister Rosa. Then it was the Germans, and they too violated all, but sister Rosa. Then came the partisans ...

Don't blame me...

One day 100 people in Heaven were sent to the presence of God. He asked them this question

"Who among you are dominated by your wives? Raise your hands and stand at the left" He asked.

So 99 of the men raised their hands and put them down. Then, they proceeded to stand at the left of H...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.