What do you call a turkey's evil twin?

A Gobblegänger.

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Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?

**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny bitchass girly voice.

**Me:** What do you mean?

**Therapist:** There it goes again.

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My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

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A huge bloke was giving me evil looks in the pub.

I said, “Keep looking at me like that and you’ll be spending the night in A&E.”

He said, “I’d like to see you try!”

So I headbutted his wife.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are captured by an evil wizard

The wizard gives them three tasks, if they complete the tasks they are free.
1. Drink a gallon of beer
2. Go to a bear cave and punch the bear
3. Fuck a 100 year old nun

The Englishman goes first.
He starts drinking but soon he faints

The Scotsman drinks the beer and goes...

There was an evil witch who owned a parking lot.

The sign said, "$2.50/hour, 4 hours max"

"Violators will be toad"

If number 666 is evil,

then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.

Mummies aren't all evil.

They get a bad wrap.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

Why girls are evil

Girls cost time and money: time\*money

Wall Street says time is money: money\^{2}

So girls are money squared

The bible says money is the root of all evil: sqrt.money

Evil is the square root of money

money\^{2} = sqrt. money

take the square root of money\^{2}...

How does an evil cows laughter sound like?

Muuhahaha

What does an evil genius say when he completes one of his diabolical schemes?

Done, done, donnnnnne.

My car can speed faster than bullets, drive under water and knock down evil like bowling pins.

It's a Porsche to be reckoned with

Did you hear the one about the evil tuna?

He was rotten to the albacore.

Why is the North Korean dictator so evil?

Because he has no Seoul.

I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.




Edit: Considering the attention, I should attribute this to the great Emo Phillips:

"People come up to me concerned... I'll reproduce"

"People come up to me and ask, Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"I len...

The Evils of Alcohol . . .

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”...

Wanna know why jogging is evil?

"The wicked flee though no one pursues, but the righteous stand as bold as a lion."

Proverbs 28:1

How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?

They bless the reins down in Africa

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What do you call an evil person?

Steve. Fuck you Steve I hope you die.

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight

“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope!

In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Po...

The Hero reaches the champion and guard of the evil Emperor, and decides to say an epic line.

"My ancestors are smiling at me, Imperial. Can you say the same about you?"

To which the Imperial responds:

>!"No, I've never met your ancestors, why would they smile at me?"!<

Vaccines are a disgusting evil to society that cause mental and physical deformities. That’s why I’m the proud anti-vaxx mother of 5 beautiful children.

Edit 1: 4 beautiful children

Edit 2: 3 beautiful children

Edit 3: 2 beautiful children

Me wife is so evil, she has lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know what she charges him.

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The results from hell's annual evil dictators golf tournament:

Kim Jong Il took the win with no less than 7 aces, Stalin came a surprising second despite having borrowed Franz Ferdinand's driver, and chairman Mao's strategy of shooting for birdies proved quite disasterous, just barely scraping past Hitler who, as usual, spent most of the day in the bunker.

Definition of Evil intent.....

Satan living in a wigwam.

What is the opposite of evil?

Live

An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)

Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.

F...

How do you stop an evil mathematician who only uses binomials

You FOIL his plans

Below the southern border is a world of corruption and evil

Good thing I live in North Korea, all praise our glorious leader

How do you get bullied by evil spirits?

By communicating with them with a Wedgie Board.

What do you call an angel that turned evil?

A 180° Angel

True Evil - Mathematical Proof

We have all heard the saying that Time is money.

We also know that Girls take time and money.

There is also a saying that Money is the root of all evil.

Thus if my math is correct...


Time = Money

Girls = Time x money = Money^2

Money =√Evil

Thus by...

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Ah if it isn't catdog's evil twin

Pussybitch

who's the most evil muslim person that ever lived?

a guy named Muhahahahahamed, probably

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Fairy and the evil bastard.

There was a fairy who granted 3 wishes to everyone she met. But there was an evil bastard.

Fairy:"Because you're an evil bastard, you only get one wish."

Evil bastard:"Ok, go f*ck yourself."

I quit smoking for good...

Now I only smoke for evil.

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If non Cristians and evil People go to hell,

It must be awkward to have Hitler there with all 6 million Jews

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The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

If the number 666 is considered evil

..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

I have an evil masterplan.

I'm going to drill a huge hole through the Moon and thread a massive piece of string through it.


Then I will finally be able to conker the World

If Santa was an evil dictator, what weapon would he use to rule the world?

Nuclear Missiletoe

Where do evil mathematicians go?

Prism.

Once upon a time an evil witch decided to curse a young prince into a bear. The cursed prince sought help from a good wizard, but he refused. Why?

The prince was unbearable.

What happens to evil rabbits?

They carrot in hell.

After this last weekend I've decided I'm done drinking for good!

Now I'm only drinking for evil!

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There’s a double feature at the theatre tonight. The first film is about a sexually transmitted demon. The second is about an evil clown.

It follows It Follows.

King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?

Squire: 384 my liege

king: Ok, round them up

Squire: 400 my liege

Why is North Korea evil?

Because it's Seoul-less! ;D

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

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A man dies and goes to Hell...

Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis.



One day, the man comes up with his dar...

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Death awards 72 virgins to an evil man...

Guy: You mean to tell me, these are my 72 virgins?!!!

Death: Uhh yeah, what’s the problem?

Guy: I’m not sticking my dick in any dudes!!

Death: Who said anything about you sticking YOUR dick in THEM?

Guy:.....

Death: *hands him lube* You better grease up...it’s gon...

What does an evil cow say?

Moohaha

The police finally caught the guy who cut off my arm.

People say he's evil, but I think he just needed a shoulder to cry on.

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Going to Hell [Long]

The evil man arrived in Hell and was immediately greeted by his Eternal Assignment Demon. They walked down a dank hallway until they came upon a door. “This is your first option of three for you to serve your eternal damnation. Behold.” The EAD slides the hatch on the door and the evil man (let’s ca...

What do you call a trans demon?

An Evil Trap.

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Two thieves see a horse...

Two thieves see a horse tied to a hitch outside of a tavern in a small rural town. They decide they want want to steal the horse, but they're pretty sure they'll get caught trying to make their escape from the town in the middle of nowhere.

The one thief says to the other: "I have an idea. ...

Why don’t vampires feel bad about the evil things they do?

They’re incapable of reflection

(I’ll see myself out)

As a lover of ghostly evil characters I REALLY love my local D&D group

It's Wights only

A priest, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath.

The psychopath says "I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you."

The priest says a short prayer, kisses his cross, and holds the snake. It bites him, and he falls d...

What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.

What DO you do with a drunken sailor?

Make a Disney Trilogy featuring an evil Scottish octopus and rake in the money

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The police knocked on the door of a small Appalachian farmhouse.

"Good evening sir. We have received a report that you have been distilling illegal moonshine!"

"Me?! Moonshining?! That is a god damn lie! Never have I been so insulted in my entire life! I've never done anything like that! These are evil rumours that somebody has spread! - And I'll tell you ...

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My friend rents out his buildings— one to the neo- Nazis, and the other to the KKK.

He is a leaser of two evils.

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There once was an evil queen...

This queen was a dreadful ruler, but it was primarily because, like superman, she was an extra terrestrial being practically immortal, and superior to the human race she conquered. She'd make continents(ignoring Antarctica) compete in building large sculptures of her and the last place sculpture wou...

What's an evil gathering called?

A demonstration

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Two men arrived at the pearly gates.

"Any words before you enter?" asked Jesus.



"Who are you?" asked the first man.



"What?" asked Jesus. "You mean--you don't know who I am? My name's Jesus. My face is everywhere, surely you know who I am!"



"No," said the first man. "I don't know who you are....

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A priest dies and stands in front of God.

A priest dies and stands in front of God.

God looks at the priest's ledger of good and evil and smiles after finishing it. Looking up at the priest, God says "I'm satisfied with how you've lived and how you've spent your life. I give you the option to choose — Hell or heaven?"

The prie...

What do you call it when two unspeakably awful demons compete to see which is the most evil?

The 2016 election.

Satan appears in the church

A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon e...

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Hitler was a very evil guy, we all hate him.

So we should make a statue of the man who killed him.

Women are evil...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident and it’s a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. You're a hand...

An old mafia boss was at the end of his life

He knew he didn't have much time left to live and he was getting worried about where he might end up after his death if he did not get absolution for his sins. He had been a very evil person and he knew that any old village priest would not be able to do the job so instead he arranged a meeting with...

What does an evil chicken lay?

Deviled eggs

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that an evil scientist used to experiment on.

His name was FrankEinstein

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I wish Christian guys would make up their minds, one minute they are saying homosexuality is a sin and that sodomy is evil

The next they are telling me how good it felt to let Jesus enter them.

What does the evil optometrist say?

"you'll see. You'll all see! Muahahahaha!"

People ask, "Why do you hunt evil spirits?"

It's because my doctor said exorcising would be good for me.

A 4 y/o told me this one yesterday: I'm looking forward to the bees.

(evil grin) If they sting, they must die.

What did the evil fraction say?

You will never stop my plans for world denomination.

No wonder North Korea's so evil...

It's hard to be merciful if you have no Seoul

A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol

So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.

He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.

He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"

His son thou...

My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil

I still don't know how much she charged him though.

Some people say I am an evil person. But thats not true. I have the heart of a sweet young girl,

in a jar under my bed.

Me: HOW COULD YOU LET YOUR EVIL BABY SHEEP ESCAPE? Sous: I hid it away with Gordon Ramsey.

Me: WHERE’S THE DAMNED LAMB SOUS??!!

Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity...

The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end.

In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited...

Did you ever hear about the Lucky Charms leprechaun's evil twin?

He was tragically malicious.

Reddit's being run by an evil cabal of hyper-intelligent cow-people, and I have proof!

[remoooved]

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Hitler wasn't EVIL...

...In his mind, he was doing it for all the Reich reasons.

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Two Jewish boys were in a concentration camp together...

During their time there they became like brothers and when the war ended, they decided that they should live together as such. Many years go by until one of them wins the lottery.

"I can't believe you won the lottery! What are you going to do with all that money?"

"First, I'll buy us a...

Dr Horrible got a great deal on getting into the Evil League of Evil

It only cost him a Penny

Women are evil

And I can prove it

first, we know that any relationship with a woman requires time and money therefore...

Women = time * money

...and as we all know, "time is money":

Time = Money

...and therefore:

Women = Money * Money = (Money)^2

...and because "Mon...

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A cooking utensil owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden went for auction today.

It’s the grater of two evils.

My grandfather developed cancer when he was a young man.

He’s widely known as the most evil scientist that ever lived.

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A sadist and a masochist meet for some kinky time

They go to the sadist's room, full of whips, clips, bondage stuff etc. The sadist slowly goes from one device to the next, eyeing the masochist.

The masochist can't take it anymore and blurts out "Oh yes master, whip me, spank me, hurt me!"

And the sadist, with an evil, horny grin,...

Did you hear about the robot that looks eerily like Evil Knievel?

He's doing a motorcycle jump over the uncanny valley.

My friend thinks that the Canadian PM is an evil guy.

I don't think that's Trudeau.

Why do evil spirits make terrible drivers?

Because they aren't sure when to stop, or Wendigo.

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Gambling jokes

**Husband**: How do you lose $150 in the slot machines!

**Wife**: You lost $15000 at the tables!

**Husband**: Yeah but I know how to gamble.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_



**Bettor**: My god, I had a terrible day today. I lost 15 ou...

Just as there is a balance of good and evil....

There's a Friday for every Monday.
Have a great week :)

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Bono, the lead singer of U2 is known for being self-righteous ...

... He is also an A-list rock and roll celebrity.



At a recent concert in Glasgow Scotland, he asked the audience for complete and utter silence.



Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds. Holding the audience hostage in total silen...

What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit?

Try to neghostiate.

A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team

Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football pro...

An Australian superhero tracks down his arch nemesis...

He camps outside his evil lair to do some reconnaissance before going in. The next day he goes in but gets captured.

Villain: “Did you come here to die?”

Hero: “Nah mate, I came here yesterday.”

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