Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry.

I'll return.

A dad is given bad news by a doctor

Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.

Dad: AND?

Doctor: I have bad news for you. You’ll have to take one of these pills for the rest of your life.

Patient: But... Doctor... you had given me only three pills!?

Doctor: I told you it was bad news.

.

.

.

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*Edit: I can’t correct the title but it should say “... take one of these pills **each day** for the rest o...

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Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

Bad golfer goes *WHACK* "shit"

Bad skydiver goes "shit" *WHACK*

I was in my room and saw a group of 10 ants running around frantically. I felt bad and made a small house for them out of cardboard. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my ..

Tenants

“Well, unfortunately, I’ve got good news and I've got bad news.” “Gimme the good news first, Doc.”

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

BAD NEWS

President Trump awakens one Winter morning to discover someone has peed “Impeach Trump” in the snow. He calls the Secret Service to investigate.

When they return, they tell the President that they have bad news and even worse news. The bad news is that it’s Vice President Pence’s urine. This ...

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun...

Is a good guy with a video game!

If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.

Who are they going to tell? Their parents?

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

It's ok to turn one good book into three bad movies every once in a while...

Just don't make a Hobbit of it.

People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.

But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.

9 out of 8 americans are bad at fractions

Seriously, it's true.

Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news - you’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

"My bad" I said, as I patted on my friends back.

He looked at me with a shocked and terrified expression.

Apparently 'my bad' and 'I'm sorry' don't mean the same thing at funerals.

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

Why don't Flat Earthers care if they're having a bad day?

They're always on top of the world

Dwayne Johnson's mom was going through a really bad time in her life after she spanked her son

She had just hit rock bottom.

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Why do people with small dicks have a bad memory

I forgot

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

I like bad kids like I like my coffee

Grounded.

I met a really bad electrician at the bar last night...

At first there were some sparks, but he ended up saying some pretty nasty things to me and I left shocked.

Why are American policemen so bad at night raids?

They don't know where to shoot first when everything is black.

Bad car accident

I was in a really horrid car accident last week. The police have been examining the skid-marks to investigate exactly what happened.

So far, they have figured out that the other driver was more scared than I.

The nurse taking my blood got annoyed when I told them they were bad at their job,

I don’t understand why though, after all they did keep saying: ‘be negative’

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Everybody is talking about how bad white people are now, but I think they should be praised for a super important thing.

A white man killed Hitler.

I read so much about the bad influences of alcohol and sugar, that I've decided...

...to read less.

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What do you call a porn actor with bad aim?

Mr. Completely

I was going to make a bad pun about fabric

But that felt wrong

My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

##

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were o...

Why was the pancake a bad comedian?

Because his jokes fell flat

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

A husband and wife were having a bad day.

They were arguing a lot until the wife got fed up and said to just write her a note if he really wanted to talk to her. He agreed, so for the rest of the day they passed notes here and there.

At night the husband left a note on the table saying “please wake me up at 6 A.M, I have to wake up e...

What would a Communist parent say to her child who refuses to disclose his bad grades to her?

Quit Stalin and show me your Marx!

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My girlfriend told me having a small penis isnt that bad

I told her i just wish you didnt have one at all

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicle...

What award do you give a bad dentist?

A plaque.

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I've always liked this old David Lettermen quip; during the time of the 1994–95 baseball strike. "I know we all feel bad for those ball players though"

"They'll have to stay home and have sex with their own wives for a change."

What did the doctor say to the Ent with a bad back?

You need lumbar support.

9 in 10 Americans are bad at math and

I’m glad I’m not in the 1%

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

I make bad puns.

That's how eye roll.

The United States is always being hit with tragedies and crises like a bad curse...

Just as if it was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground.

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What do you call a producer with a bad attitude?

Moby Dick

If you think it's bad that Europeans drive on the other side of the road....

consider that Australians have to drive upside down...

Detroit isn't That Bad... Trust Me

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The ...

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Sa...

How do you make people laugh about your bad jokes?

Give them a job.

Do you know why americans are bad at chess?

they dont have 2 towers

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I’m bad at Greek Mythology

It’s my Achilles Penis

Bad Dad Panda Joke

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
...

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At first, Caesar thought it was a bad idea to masturbate while counting his people.

But before long, he came to his census.

What did the cheese say when it's kid got bad grades?

I'm ***grate***ly disappointed.

It was too bad we could never figure out my grandfather's blood type in time.

He was so optimistic though. He kept telling us to B positive

What is the difference between a dad joke, a sad joke, and a bad joke?

Consonants.

My nanny once told me of an emotionally distant but insecure yogi who fell ill and subsequently developed bad breath.

It was a super callous fragile mystic down with halitosis.

I have kleptomania, when it gets bad

I take something for it

Was my joke that bad?

I made a joke tonight and it did not get any reaction...

I said: being a gynecologist is the only job where you can still say "I'm between things"

What do you guys think?

What do you call a whale with bad posture??

A hunchback whale.

People always say "go big or go home" as if going home is a bad thing.

 

 



Like hell yeah I'll go home... I can nap when i get there.

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John is having a bad day.

He went to button his shirt and the button fell off.

He picked up his briefcase and the handle fell off.

He went to open the door and the door knob fell off.

Now he’s afraid to pee.

I once had a roommate who was an amputee and had a bad habit of stating the obvious.

We nicknamed him Legless. One day, he grew tired of this joke and insisted that we call him by his name, 'Li'. So now we call him Gimpli.

Where do bad plates go to after they've broken?

Helsinki

My wife came home and said she had some good news and some bad news about the car. ..

I said, “What’s the good news?” She said, “The airbag works.”

I feel bad that nobody’s checking up on Coca Cola’s well-being.

When everyone asks if Pepsi is okay.

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NSFW Whats good on pie, but bad on pussy?

The crust.

DIET DAY 1: I have removed all the bad food from my home.

It was delicious.

With all the bad things happenning in america right now,

you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.

A Real Bad Day !

A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.

Out in the middle of the desert, she started coming on to him. When she offered him some oral pleasure, he pulled over to the side of the road.

But once his pants were around his ankles, she pulled out a g...

Why are priests bad at marathons?

Because they always come in a little behind

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

Not only bad at jokes, I’m also bad at titles

At the local butcher shop the was a challenge. The challenge was that if you could jump and touch on of the steaks on the ceiling, you would get twenty dollars. If you couldn’t, you would have to pay for one of the steaks. So a man named Jack came up to the challenge. As he was about to try he was s...

Everyone bad mouths my friend Joe.

They keep calling him average and sloppy for some reason.

I'm bad at navigation.

It takes me places, though.

My handwriting is so bad

That Google uses it for captcha.

Why are women so bad at parallel parking?

They've been constantly lied to about how much 8 inches really is.

The Doctor says “I have bad news. You’re dying.” The man asks “how long do I have, Doc?” The Doctor says “10.” The man asks “10 what?”

The Doctor says “9...8....7....”

Here in Portugal we call bad jokes 'dry jokes'. Do you want to see an example?

The desert

Doctor: I've got some good news & bad news sir

Artist: Ok. What's the good?
D: Someone just bought every one of your paintings.
Artist: Alright! Whats the bad news?
Doctor: That someone was me.

A man was getting surgery to treat his bad vision

Man: are you sure this is going to work?

Doctor: you'll see.

A confectioner was bad at breaking bad news

People told him to stop sugar-coating everything

I'm bad at 2 things: Baking and making puns but...

I'll try my best to make you loaf

What is it called when a man feels bad for squirting on a woman?

Cumpassion

Did you know Ghandi had bad breath?

They say that because of his diet he had bad breath and was very frail. He also walked everywhere barefoot, which was rough on his feet.

Guess you could say he was a **super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis**

I keep a picture of my wife and kids at my work desk that way no matter how bad a work day gets

I'll always be reminded how much worse it is at home and keep me working late.

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Good Sex is like a Bad Joke.

I don't get it.

You shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people,

You should write it.

The big bad wolf had converted to Buddhism. There was peace in the forest. Suddenly. SCREAMS.

A bystander asked the running animals, "What's happened now?"

"The big bad wolf," a goat said, "is meditating."

"So?" said the bystander, "Isn't that a good thing...?"

"Noooo!" the goat bleated.

"It's become aware wolf!"

Let's take all these bad chemistry jokes

and barium

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Hear me out, Hitler wasn't such a bad guy...

I mean, he killed Hitler after all!

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People are all worried about the bad things that will come with face recognition...

And here I am in my moms basement wondering what the big deal is

I recently told my mom that I have a very bad memory.

Or did I?

Who's red and knows whether you've been good or bad?

The Spanish Inquisition

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

More bad news for the coal industry

Hundreds of minors out of work since the arrest of Jeffery Epstein.

I'm somehow bad at math

Like I'm 85% funny and 25% bad at math

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My child asked me if “hell” was a bad word

I explained that yes, hell was a bad word and that he should never say it.

He then asks “is hello a bad word?” I then have to explain to him how hell and hello are completely separate words with separate meanings.

The next day I get a call from his teacher, demanding to know why he won...

Having a heart attack is pretty bad

But even worse if you’re playing charades.

How's a tornado in a bad neighborhood like an Alabama divorce?

Either way, someone's loosing a trailer.

A study done by me shows that 74% of people are bad at mathematics.

Fortunately, I'm in the remaining 34%.

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