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Bad Jokes

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This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

A guy isn't feeling well, and goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

The guy says, "I guess I'll get the good news first."

The doctor replies, "You're going to get something named after you."

Why is Michael Jackson bad at bowling?

Because He's dead.

3,027 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It's 5050.

A doctor walked in to see a patient. “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

The patient say, “What’s the good news?”

Doctor, “They’re going to name a disease after you.”

The bad news is, I dropped my cactus today

The worse news is that I caught it

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Good News/ Bad News

A man walks into his doctor's office. The doc says "Have a seat." The man sits down and the doctor says " Well, I have good news and bad news. Which one would you like first?"
The man thinks for a second and says "I guess ill take the bad news first. Let's just get it over with."
The doctor re...

Women are really bad at parking

because we're constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

Elon is firing Twitter employees with bad posture

I have a hunch I might be next.

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What's the difference between a bad golf drive and a poorly packed parachute?

One is whack...fuck and the other is fuck....whack.

Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?…

She kept running away from the ball!…

(This has probably already been posted on here, but I don’t really know, so I’m just going to post it…)

What’s the difference between a bad marksman, and a constipated owl.

One shoots but can’t hit!

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and aske...

2023 is a bad year to be a hot air balloon pilot without a radio.

credit to iBeej for this one!

How would you describe a bad joke about pancakes?

Wawful.

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I once dated a girl who had bad eczema on her chest.....

Lovely girl, cracking pair of tits.

Where do rainbows go when they've been bad?

Prism.
It's a light sentence.

What do you call a nuclear scientist with a bad lisp?

An unclear scientist.

One day, the pope's assistant comes up to him with good news and bad news

The Pope asks him what's the good news first.

"We have Jesus Christ himself on the phone"

and then the Pope thinks to himself, well how could there be bad news? Jesus is calling him! Naturally curious, he asks for the bad news.

"He's calling from Mecca."

Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

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Funeral director takes his hearse to the mechanic, "My car gets really bad mileage."

Mechanic says, "I'm sorry sir I don't think I can help, It's because of all the dead weight in the back."

I felt a little bad about posting a joke about the Amish

Oh well, it's not like they'll ever read it.

Wife: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Husband: "The good news."

Wife: "The good news is that your car's airbag worked perfectly."

Why are trans parents bad at lying?

You can see right through them

What do good doctors and bad doctors have in common?

Their patients don't come back.

Bad bird

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words,...

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Patient: What’s the good news?

Doctor: the good news is you have 24 hours left to live.

Patient: What’s the bad news?

Doctor: The bad news is I should’ve told you that yesterday.

A man goes to his doctor and, after many tests, the doctor delivers the bad news.

Doctor: I'm sorry to tell you, but it's terminal.
Man: How long do I have left?
Doctor: Five
Man: Five what? Years? Months?.... WEEKS??!
Doctor: Four... three...

What's red, and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

What's green, and bad for your teeth?

A moldy brick.

What's blue, and bad for your teeth?

The tattoos on this guy's knuckles when I told him this joke.

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

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Do you guys know what makes the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

The Pizza

Wait no fuck...

I meant the delivery

Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

"Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?"

"This is Alexa."

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I feel bad for chefs.

They work so hard but everything they make turns to shit.

Why do woman have such bad memories during their period?

Because one day bleeds into the next.

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Why are blind people so bad at masturbating?

Cause they never see it coming

What do you call a belt made out of lobsters?

A waist of good seafood

I know it’s bad but I heard it in a dream and had to share

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The Bad Tooth

A customer goes to the dentist for a bad tooth. He sits down in the chair and the dentist comes in with his tools and a needle.
“Ok bud, today we are going to inject a numbing agent into your gum to pull that sucker out.” says the dentist. “But I don’t like needles!” The customer replies.
Afte...

I'm so bad at sledding...

I'm not even entirely sure where I go wrong. I walk up to the top, I get on my sled, and it all goes downhill from there.

As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first......

The patient excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells them, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog!”

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

Why is it a bad idea to dip your shoes in LSD?

You might trip

Why are soldiers bad at music theory?

A sharp major doesn’t exist.

After the iceberg collision, the captain of the Titanic gathers the crew and tells them "I have bad news and good news."

"The bad news is that our ship has began to sink.

The good news is that we shall win eleven Academy Awards."

A vampire who is bad at his job...

...is a Hackula. But one who is good at his job is Spectacula.

If you're having tuning problems I feel bad for you son

I got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one

Why are the men in Finland so bad in bed?

Because they’re always finnish first

I always tell the punchline first.

Why am I so bad at telling jokes?

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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

I told my girlfriend today that PMS pains aren't actually as bad as women claim they are.

Could anyone please tell me how I can get a pair of nail clippers out of my back? The hands won't reach far enough.

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Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to you...

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

My mom used to tuck me in when I was young

She wanted a daughter so bad

What do you call a bee that’s having a bad hair day?

A frisbee..

My mum always said that you shouldn't go to sleep in a bad mood.

Which is why I always go to sleep in a bed.

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car.

The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren...

- I have two news: a good one and a bad one, which one do you want to hear first?

- Can you do both at the same time?

- Grandpa stopped snoring

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

Lawyers are so bad at what they do

That their career is literally called practicing law.

Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news," the Mother Superior says. "It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.

"We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
...

Why is fisherman bad at boxing?

Cause he only throws hooks

It wasn’t easy for the guy who invented the microphone in the beginning.

He got some really bad feedback.

What do you call an incredibly insensitive shaman who’s also weak and suffers from chronic bad breath?

A super callous fragile mystic plagued by halitosis.

Is anyone behaving badly just to get coal in their stocking...

... so they can heat their house?

I was gonna post a joke about a bad artist

but it really doesnt paint a pretty picture

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

"Moira, beautiful Moira. You were with me many years ago when the Germans took our home and so many of us suffered" to which his wife simply nodded.

"And years later, you were with me when my business failed...

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A man, obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is sentenced, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he is led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happen...

Jeff Bezos is just a bad Santa.

He has drones, our addresses and our wishlist, yet he refuses to do his duty.

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Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill are two employees of a bottled water company. Business hasn't been too good lately, so the boss decides he needs to fire one of them.

The first day, he keeps an eye on Jack.

Jack comes in early, goes straight to his desk and gets to work. He works solidly all through the ...

I received a wedding invitation from a college classmate. In college we were on bad terms, but it seems he’s matured now. I was feeling nostalgic, but when I looked closely at the card it read…

Please circle one.

\- Will not attend

\- Will be absent

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

My mate Dave's got a bad history with cobbler's and he refuses to replace his favourite shoes, despite having lots of holes in them.

He said he's got *trusty-shoes...*

A guy watches as his girlfriend struggles to park. he says to her "I think you should get tested." "why" she says I'm no that bad of a driver am i?"

"No, I have chlamydia" he replies

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the bitcoin crash won't be as bad as black friday

At least we don't have to worry about people who jump out of their basement windows.

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Having a bad day at work…

An associate goes to the bar in the top floor of his high rise office building and orders a drink. The place is empty except for the bartender and a lone man at the other end of bar. While staring into his drink, he can’t help but notice the other guy pound 4 shots.
“Must’ve had a worse day than...

What did Hellen Kellers mother do when Hellen said a bad word?

She washed her hands with soap

So an IT guy is really bad at his job and decides to quit and start a Nu Metal band.

It was named: System Always Down

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A Bad Happy New Year Joke

Me(on the phone): Happy New Year.

Friend: Happy New Year, you voice sound strange, where are you...right now?

Me: I'm in the toilet

Friend: Why?

Me: I don't wanna take last year's shit into 2023

Christmas trees are bad at sewing

They always drop their needles.

What do you call a fairy that smells bad

Stinkerbell!

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store.

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store and asks,

"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p...

Bad boy and good girl (long)

So a guy decides he wants to date this girl. He finds out that she's quite prudish but he's willing to look past that because she's really, really pretty. After constantly asking her, she finally agrees to go out with him. One date leads to another and soon they have a steady thing going. He wants ...

The sooner you laugh after the punch line, the smarter you are.

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, peddling insect repellent.
He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. “Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it.”
The farmer was dubious.
“Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you...

Bad physics joke

Two chicken nuggets were on a see saw. They looked into each other's eyes and realised they were in love. One of the chicken nuggets crawled over to the other side of the see saw and kissed the other one. It was a tender moment.

A retired couple sitting at home was reliving their 50 years of marriage together.

The wife finally had gotten the courage to ask “Whats the cigar box under the bed you told me to never open?”

The husband sat a moment and then got up, abruptly leaving the room. When he returned, he had the cigar box. He sat down and opened it. Inside, there were three 50$ bills.

“I w...

Why are quantum physicists such bad lovers?

When they find the position, they can’t find the momentum. And if they do find the momentum, then they can’t find the position.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

I heard we’re telling bad jokes, so here’s mine.

Long ago there lived a Cheerio in a small village beneath a giant mountain, which had a small town of its own on top.

This famous town was known for one thing, in this town, if you wait in line, you can receive anything that you want, but to reach it, you must climb the difficult mountain al...

What did the bad World Cup announcer get in his stocking?

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!

Sven and Ole go to hell

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust h...

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch...

As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."

'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"

"I walked over to my wife, look...

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

I watched an episode of America's Most Wanted last night that scared me so bad I'm afraid to even go outside now.

I'm afraid someone is going to recognize me.

what's the difference between my hand and a hooker?

A hooker doesn't write bad jokes

Ever year after Thanksgiving, I give up all my bad habits.

I can do it, because I have lots of cold turkey.

In the UK most people complain about the bad weather...

In the UK most people complain about the bad weather, but Queen Elizabeth managed to get through 70 years and 214 days of continuous reign.

What is big, red, hard and bad for your teeth?

a brick.

So, my girlfriend kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

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Life in a nursing home

An old man was put into a nursing home by his son. He is unsure if he will adjust to the new living situation.

On his first morning in the home, the old man awoke with an erection. A beautiful blonde nurse had entered his room to check on him and upon seeing it, bent down and blew him without...

Started teaching myself braille by reading a horror story.

Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.

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I once stole a jar of orca semen from my friend, the scientist. After a few years, I felt bad, and eventually returned it. My friend was obviously confused by this and said "Thanks, but what is it?" I replied...

"Your whale cum."

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Me and my wife have been married for 35 years

and I've never let her look into the safe.

Last week, when I went to the market she looked in the safe.

When I got back she said:

Wife: Jethro I looked into the safe

Me: I told you not to look in the safe

Wife: There's $40,000 in cash in there & three eggs! Wha...

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A bad joke for you

A Japanese man was visiting the United States when he met an American

"What state are you from?" Said the Japanese man

"Ohio" replied the American

"And hello to you too, but what state are you from?" Said the Japanese man

Why is the internet so bad in outer space?

It’s 0 g

My doctor warned me that constantly singing Frank Sinatra songs was bad for my health, but I just wouldn't listen.

And now, the end is near.

Why do trees make bad detectives?

They always get stumped!

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

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I'm a bus driver. If I'm having a bad day

at work, I'll look in the mirror while driving, and mutter to myself " you're all cunts aren't you ? " and then tap the brakes twice so they all nod.

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As a new adult I realized how bad inflation got when I paid for my first prostitute.

My grandpa used to say it something about how it was only "a penny for your thots".

What's the difference between iron man and aluminum man"

Iron man stops bad guys. Aluminum man foils their plans.

Infidelity upgraded

A couple in the Philippines is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. When their guests left, they started talking privately.

Husband: It's been 25 years since we exchanged our vows. Was there a time that you cheated on me?

Wife: My guilt haunts me, but now I'm willing to confess....

Dave was a cannibal, and a conceited one at that.

So when he was in a bad car accident, the people of his town weren’t very sympathetic. But when they learned that he died, they softened up a bit. “I didn’t know that his injuries were life threatening,” one of his neighbors said. Another replied that they weren’t. “Well then how did he die?” th...

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A man wakes up in the hospital. An attractive nurse says “you were in a bad accident and you can’t feel anything from the waist down”…

So the man replies, “well then can I feel your tits?”


-Gilbert Gottfried original told on the Doug Loves Movies podcast. RIP Gilbert.

What does a detective with bad posture say?

"I have a hunch."

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