This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm in a really bad place right now.

Not mentally, I've just found myself in fucking Utah.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”

Me: “and?”

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse.

“Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.

Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom,

walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.


S...

I felt bad for the hypnotist I saw last night...

He hypnotized seven guys... Then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled... F*** ME…
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life

A man heard his friend had lost two wives in two years. He felt bad so he called to give his condolences. He asked "how'd your first wife die?" "She ate poison mushrooms." "What about you second wife?" "She died of blunt trauma to the head." "Why would that have happened?''

"She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

Doctor: "I have some good news and some bad news."

Me: "Well, what's the good news?"

Doctor: "The good news is, we're going to name a disease after you. "

What do you call a mother that's bad at driving?

One bad motha trucka

When my wife came home from work, I said, "Sit down, I've got some bad news. The cat's torn your budgie to pieces."

She replied with tears in her eyes, "We don't have a cat." I said, "I know, I had to borrow one."

Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek ?

No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.

Do you know who's bad at coding?

Non-Binary people.

Too much Sunshine is bad, they said. Look at the Sun and you go blind, stay in the Sun and you get cooked. So I decided to live for the night.

Too much Moonshine is bad too. Now I am blind and cooked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer?

A bad lawyer will fuck you, but a good lawyer will get you off

Why do chickens make bad comedians?

Because their jokes are fowl.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Too bad punctuations couldn’t fight each other. Imagine a match between “.” and “:”

I’d pay to see that bloody shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once went out with a girl who had really bad eczema on her chest...

She had a cracking pair of tits.

A Bad Limbo Player Walks Into a Bar.

Thats it.

Doctor: i have some good news and some bad news after your surgery.

Patient: give me the bad news first.
Doctor: we f&$&d up and amputated the wrong leg
Patient: my god! wtf can’t be real! Give me the good news then
Doctor: the leg that needed to be amputated is getting better now and we don’t need to amputate it anymore.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Would I post a bad joke on my cake day?

You butter believe it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation isn't bad only for your eyesight

My wife caught me masturbating to her sisters pictures and said " we can't see each other anymore ".

I always ask people what their bad tattoo means

It usually means I’m about to get beat up

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

Why was Cinderella bad at soccer?

She kept running away from the ball

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tiger, I've got some good news and bad news.

"Ok Doc. Give me the bad news first."
"We had to implant metal rods in your legs which could impact your play."
"That's Terrible! I'm Finished! I'll never be able to compete again! What's the GOOD news!"
"You balls are 3 inches from the pin."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.

'I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.

'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'

'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.

'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.

'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got ou...

Living with your drug dealer isn't all that bad

It has its percs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

How did we know that Communism was bad from the start?

Because of all the red flags.

Why does the starship enterprise smell bad?

Coz William Shat-n-er

I was hosting a dinner party and everyone thought my food was bad

Exept the smoke detector, that thought it was fire

I Did Pretty Bad on My Music Test

I barely scored

Bad Children's Books Titles

Here are some bad children's books titles I found in my jokes archive. Can you think of others?

1. "You Were an Accident"
2. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
4. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
5. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Assoc...

I went to the doctor for my bad back

He told me to smoke weed

.

He said I have a chronic back problem

Bad girl!

She: I am sorry daddy, I have been a bad girl

Preist: For the last time! It's "Forgive me father for I have sinned"!!

I asked my phone "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"

She said "I'm Alexa you moron."

Why are DJs so bad at fishing?

They always drop the bass

Everyone says communism is a bad idea .

But I'm weirdly attracted to it.

It must be because of all the red flags.

LPT: After a bad break up, do 10 things that your ex would never do with you. You'll feel better and realize how much of yourself was being held back.

She would never do a threesome with me. Is it possible now

If you thought alcohol was bad for your short term memory...

...just imagine what alcohol will do!

Do you know Chinese people have very bad knees?

When they meet each other, they often ask: "knee how?"

God help me if this is a recent repost, but it's so bad it's good.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the ba...

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which caused him to be rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a:

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Most people say it’s not too bad to get a vasectomy.

I got one yesterday and it really hurt. I guess there’s a Vas Deference between people’s responses to the procedure.

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.

Did you hear that Diana had to give up her lifelong dream of being a paleontologist because she developed a bad back from all the bending over to study bones?

Yeah, Diana sore.

Why are christians bad at math?

Because they can’t sin.

Why are skeletons bad at high-stress jobs?

Because they’re easily rattled!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the reverse cowgirl a bad sex move to do?

You should never turn your back on family.

Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

Why is Jesus so bad at hockey?

He always gets nailed to the boards!

He’s a good goalie though, because JESUS SAVES!

Justin Timberlake is bad at geography

He sings this song, "Crimea River", but I checked, and Crimea is a peninsula, not a river.

How can you tell good cops from bad cops?

Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.

What do you call an artist who gives off bad vibes?

Sketchy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

What do Bad computers and Children have in common?

They're worth more if you sell their parts separately

You guys thought 2020 was bad?

Just wait for the sequel, 2022.

Why are plants bad cheerleaders?

Because they’re always rooting for themselves.

Did you know things are so bad that even Capt. Jack Sparrow has had trouble making ends meet?

He can barely afford to keep a skeleton crew.

The movie I was watching was so bad that I had to walk out.

Unfortunately, the flight attendant told me that she can’t open the doors mid-flight.

A lot of people think driving and drinking is bad

I like to call those people: The cops

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hope this joke isn’t as bad as I’d think it is... it’s my first one.

Hey did you hear about Jim?

No, Why?

I heard his septic burst.

Oh I see...

Yea man must have been a pretty crappy thing to happen...

Bad news. I broke up with Lorraine. She found out I was seeing Clair Lee

The good news is I can see Clair Lee now Lorraine has gone.



EDIT : I've never heard this but I'm getting tanked for it by my friends

But I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) suns...

I caught a really bad case of COVID in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor, with his ...

All my friends know my second favorite activity is making bad jokes.

My favorite activity is making lists that start at two.

Coworker: Why do bad guys always wear suspenders?

Me: So they don't get caught with their pants down.

(This happened a couple days ago, I was pretty proud. He legitimately was just asking the question)

Why’s it a bad idea to eat mushrooms for dinner?

Because you won’t have mushroom left for dessert.

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men

We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Doctor comes to a patient with some bad news

Doctor: Your test results have returned and I'm afraid I have some bad news to tell-

Patient: I'm sick of you know-it-all doctors with your tests and treatments and drugs and diseases. I'm a proud practitioner of homeopathy, an astrologist, and an expert in horoscopes. Speak to me properly!...

What's really big and smells bad?

Genocide.

Why is the US bad at chess?

We have no kings, no queens, and we already lost 2 towers

What do you call someone bad at spelling?

A muggle.

Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bad joke time

What was the car feeling while stuck in traffic?




Horny

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes whack, dang. A bad skydiver goes dang, whack.

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:

'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and when our son died in a car crash?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'

'y...

If I had a nickel for every time I was bad at math

I would have um...

I would...

I'd have um...

I'd have a lot of nickels alright

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

I’m reading a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen.

I can feel it.

There are so many bad puns in this sub it making me numb. But the worst are the math ones.

They make me even number.

I don’t know why the color purple gets such bad reviews?

It made me blue when I red the comments.

“What does a kangaroo get if it hurts itself really badly?”

“A hop-eration”

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter so be kind!

What’s the difference between an angry mother and a bad hospital?

One is losing their patience. The other is losing their patients

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dumped my girlfriend last week because she had really bad breath.

With hindsight though I'm really missing those 10 blowjobs a day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but doesn’t hit and the other hoots but doesn’t shit.

Why are orphans so bad at poker?

they don’t know what a full house is

What do you call a bad mind reader?

Telepathetic

I once told a bad joke about ghosts

It still haunts me to this day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?







A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.

As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused.
"Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"

The man responds
"Well you see Doc, the elephant knocked me down and.... Had his way with me.. I know it's bad but can you have a look for me?"

The d...

Why was Michael Jackson bad at chess?

He couldn't decide if he was black or white

The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers...

Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.

This is a bad joke

So there is this man, and he has no arms, but he wants a job as a church bell ringer. So he goes for the interview, and the interviewer says “how can you ring the bell? You have no arms.” And the man says “like this.” He goes up to the tower and steps to the edge. He runs and slams his head into the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years...

Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?

What do the French call a really bad Thursday?

A Tra-jeudi!

I'm bad at math

So the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me.

A mushroom goes into the hall of bad jokes and says “I’d like to submit a joke of my people”

The receptionist looks at him and says “listen buddy we have so many bad jokes here that I’m not sure we can squeeze yours in. It has to be exceptionally bad, let me hear it.”

Mushroom: “so a shroom goes on a date with this girl and she says ‘tell me about yourself’ and he says ‘well I’m a fu...

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im really bad at supporting my friends

My buddy came to me today and said "some guy said I stink today"

I said "Like shit you do!"

Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never rub salt in their wounds....

That would be adding in salt to injury.

Doctor: “I have some bad news and some good news.”

Me: “What’s the bad news doc?”

Doctor: “I have to amputate your left foot.”

Me: “What’s the good news?”

Doctor: “You are going to start the new year on the right foot.”

Lumberjacks are bad at fixing computers

They only know how to log out.

What do you do to someone who tells a bad pun?

You give them a punishment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy's wife faints one day, so he takes her to the hospital. After a full day of tests on the wife, the doctor approaches the husband wearing a grave expression. He says: "I'm afraid I have some bad news. We know that it's either AIDS or Alzheimer's."

The husband breaks down, and says "Oh my god, what do I do? What do I do?"

The doctor replies: "This is exactly what you need to do: Drive her home with you now, but drop her a couple of blocks from the house. If she finds her way home *don't fuck her*."

Did you know people who live in Villas are really bad people?

Kids: Huh?

Me: What you call people who live in America?

Kids: Americans

Me: In India?

Kids: Indians

Me: Villa?

Kids: <Groan> <Eye Roll> Daaaaaad !

My handwriting is so bad

That google uses it for captcha.

A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago:

Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.

There was a part in my game where a plane was supposed to fly through but it froze in mid-air because of bad connection.

I guess you could call that Jet Lag.

What advice would you give to a bad ventriloquist?

Shut your mouth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it! Screaming.

she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend just told me I'm bad at sex

I was glad. That means she's really smart. She can form an opinion in less than 30 seconds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with your mum last night and got a bad rash

That’s the last time I fuck a flower, I tell ya

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing e...

Why would gen z make bad astronauts?

In space no one can hear you meme

What do you call a bad case of diarrhea?

A loosey deucey

Bad joke incoming

4 Norse gods, 1 roman god, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar. The bartender says "This is gonna be a week joke"

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fckng business."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, and sees a huge jar sitting on the counter.

The jar is stuffed with $10 bills. There has to be at least twenty grand in there. Curious, he approaches the bartender.

He asks, "What's the deal with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, and if you complete three challenges, you win the entire jar."

"What ar...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.