This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

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A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
...

A doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news"...

"Ok, tell me the bad news first" says the patient.

"Well, you have incurable cancer" the doctor says.

"Oh my god, what could be the good news?"

"Well, you won't have it for very long"

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don't worry...

I'll return

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Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.

So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.”
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, “Nope, it ain...

A very badly beaten up man came to hospital. Doctor asked what the hell had happened to him.

Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:" It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!".

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

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Why was Heisenberg bad at sex?

Because when he found the position, he couldn't find the momentum. And when he found the momentum, he couldn't find the position.

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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and ...

Why was the 19 year old smoker in a bad mood?

He was having a midlife crisis.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that we never played Monopoly again.

A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

What’s the difference between bad karma and good karma?

You get bad karma from stealing other people’s belongings. You get Reddit karma from stealing other people’s jokes.

Why are Americans bad at math?

Because the kids who skipped school survived

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

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If you thought cooties were bad...

Just imagine catching the boobonic plague.

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What's the similarity between a bad boxer and a porn star?

They both take a pounding in the ring.

A bad workman blames his fools...

EDIT: *tools

stupid keyboard.

When does a bad joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent

What do you call an Egyptian god who's bad at videogames?

Anoobis.

What’s round and bad tempered?

A vicious circle.

If a film series goes on long enough, there's bound to be a bad movie.

However, both of the godfather movies are amazing.

What do cars get when they’re bad in school?

Suspension.

Why ghosts are so bad at lying

Because you can see right through them

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and fowl (pun intended) vocabulary

He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The par...

Why are lobsters bad at relationships?

Too shellfish.

What do you call a bad president?

Who cares? Stop posting politics here.

My wife said I make bad decisions when I'm drunk.

"Not half as bad as the ones I make when I'm sober," I replied, pointing to my ring finger.

“I’m sorry” and “my bad” bassicly mean the same thing

Unless your at a funeral

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What’s the difference between a bad joke and 3 dicks?

Your mom can’t take a joke

What do you call a Vampire with a bad cold?

Nosferachoo!

What did the ghost say when it woke up with a bad hangover?

“Man, I really need to lay off the boos.”

Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? Patient: Good news please

Doctor: A disease is going to be named after you

I'm a bad electrician

And when people find out, they're so shocked.

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad.

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really sick. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says, "I have some bad news. You have HAGS."
"What is HAGS" the man asks.
"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis," says the doctor.
"Oh my God," say...

One day I decided to slack off at work. I wasn't enjoying my job and was hoping I could work badly and get fired.

None of the other Chernobyl workers seemed to appreciate that.

What do you call a person with a house, and a retirement plan, that really isn't that bad?

An ok boomer

My friend has no running water at his house, so I felt bad and decided to send him a card.

A “Get Well Soon” card.

Many Christians believe that the person who crucified Jesus made a very bad move.

I don't know, 'cos I think he nailed it.

Of all the bad things that are happening in China, one particular stands out.

Edit - Nothing bad is happening in China --- Everything is fine .-. There's no need to worry - people are happy ..- China is peaceful .-. with peaceful history .

Doctor: I've got some good news, and some bad news...

Patient: What's the bad news?

Doctor: Your sperm count is a little low.

Patient: And the good news?

Doctor: Tastes just fine.

What do you call an ant that doesn't smell bad?

Deodorant.

I have come to realise how bad hairdressers are to have as friends.

They are always talking about you behind your back.

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

Bad joke incoming

I apologize in advance


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. A super calloused fragile...

What's so bad about stalking?

How else do we get corn?

Apparently in China there is really bad weather right now

Some are even calling it a Blizzard

Bad pickup line: Dang girl, you smell like garbage...

Can I take you out?

Why are dogs bad dancers?

Because they have two left feet.

How do ghosts react to bad jokes?

They Boo!

Hallmark movies have formulaic plots, two-dimensional characters, and half the bad guys want to sell some piece of land...

...it’s basically “Scooby-Doo!” for sentimental grown-ups.

Why are redditors bad demolitionists?

They never expect things to blow up.

A good accountant says 2+2=4, a bad accountant 2+2=5, a great accountant

Asks what you want 2+2 equal to

Why is Cinderella so bad at basketball?

Her coach is a pumpkin.

You’re such a bad comedian...

...you steal jokes from r/jokes

Why does 4 have bad breath

Because he ate ⅓

Kid tricks the teacher badly

A teacher asks her class “If there’s 14 crows sitting on a fence, and you shoot 2 off, how many crows are left on the fence?” One little boy says, “None, the sound of the shotgun scared them all away.” The teacher says, “Thats not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you’re thinking!” Th...

What's the difference between a bad sniper and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but not hit, the other can hoot but not sh*t.

I saw a person selling good and bad advice for $1 a piece.

Sure I'll bite, I'll take a piece of bad advice.


You should've got good advice.


Ok...here's another dollar for some good advice.


Don't get the bad advice.


\----

I felt like i thought of this joke, but it seems to simple to be original.

Stop treating your wife so bad. If she was perfect...

she wouldn't have married you.

"Hey, I borrowed your car yesterday and I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"The air bags worked perfectly"

Why do balloons have a bad temper?

Because they are always blowing up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel bad for that guy from Dirty Jobs

He’s got a Mike Rowe penis

A dad is given bad news by a doctor

Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.

Dad: AND?

Why is procrastination bad?

I’ll just tell you tomorrow.

I got invited to a bad taste halloween party. I was going to go as a suicide victim.

But decided to go as Jeffrey Epstein instead.

There was this teacher, not a bad teacher, but for some reason the students never really understood her. What was the name of the teacher?

Miss Communication

What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes *WHACK* “Dang!” but a bad skydiver goes “Dang!” *WHACK*

Doctor: I have bad news and worse news

The bad news is you have 24 hours to live

Patient: and the worse news?

Doctor: I meant to tell you yesterday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

Some what not so bad joke...

Do you know why you should never fight a dinosaur?

Because you'll get JURASSKICKED!

Do you know why you should never fight a giraffe?

Because you'll get GIRAFFEKICKED!

Do you know why you should never fight a dog?

Because you're... probably gonna get bit...

Why is incest a bad thing?

Haven't we all been inside our mothers?

Really bad puns.

It’s how eye roll.

Good cop/bad cop

Good cop: "You want coffee?"

Bad cop: "Where did you hide the money?"

Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: "Answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are."

Bad Idea #1

Waterproof Towels

I feel bad for all the kids of anti-vaxxers...

They just won’t have a shot in life.

What do you say to a guy who tells bad jokes about his overuse of depth of field focus techniques?

Bokeh Humor

I was in my room and saw a group of 10 ants running around frantically. I felt bad and made a small house for them out of cardboard. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my ..

Tenants

They say good and bad things come in threes.

That's odd.

My buddy Jacob is a bad driver. He got in a bad wreck. His car was totaled. The other car was totaled. He stepped out of his car and went to check on the other driver. He was fine.

Jacob said, "This is a miracle. Look at how bad our cars are and we are totally unscathed. Even still. I have this bottle of wine in my backseat which it still unbroken. This surely is a sign. We should toast". The other man agreed, it was a sign and a toast was in order. So Jacob popped the cork an...

What do you call a bottom that uses bad words?

A crass ass

My girlfriend just texted me saying I’m a bad kisser

Wait a minute, I’m getting another text. She said “oops, wrong person”

Thank god there is nothing wrong with our relationship

Have you ever wondered why people always tell you to sit down before telling you bad news?

It is because you won't stand for it.

I do not understand why Amazon gets a bad rap for the whole homeless issue...

I mean yes Apple/Google/Microsoft are donating a lot of money to help, but Amazon employs more homeless people than all three combined!

Archeologists make pretty bad lovers

I guess they have mummy issues

Doctor: I have bad news for you. You’ll have to take one of these pills for the rest of your life.

Patient: But... Doctor... you had given me only three pills!?

Doctor: I told you it was bad news.

.

.

.

.











*Edit: I can’t correct the title but it should say “... take one of these pills **each day** for the rest o...

[OC] I was already on stage when I realized Take On Me was a bad karaoke song for me to sing...

It was a real Aha moment.

I was worried my meal at the German restaurant would go badly.

I was prepared for the Wurst.

After a bad cut, I asked the ER nurse if I could do my own stitches.

She said, “Suture self.”

What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

a trajeudi

Hell cant be so bad.

Enough people are dying to get there.

If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.

Who are they going to tell? Their parents?

Ive been going through all this Halloween candy, and i have some bad news.

No drugs.

Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news - you’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

I wrote an essay on whales once, but I got a bad mark.

Didn't have the proper cetaceans.

A Turkish man stopped by my convenience store and bought a gallon of milk. He comes back in an hour later with the same jug of milk, absolutely furious at me for selling him "bad milk!" I ask him what the problem is and he tells me its all

Kurdled

I tell bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones..

Argon.

Forgetting your backpack while going to school is bad

But forgetting it while going skydiving is worse

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

Going into IKEA before I felt bad but couldn't help laughing at an old couple who seemed to be confused about how to exit the revolving doors.

Anyways, two hours and 15 meatballs later I was wheeling my new dining set, garden furniture and flatpack coffee table out when I too found myself stuck in the revolving doors. Oh how the tables turned!

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

If you spell Breaking Bad backwards, you will get "Dab Gnikaerb"

Which still makes more sense than Game of thrones\` entire season 8

Bad News

A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.


"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.


"What are they?"


"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."


"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.


"Well, the 2nd piece...

"My bad" I said, as I patted on my friends back.

He looked at me with a shocked and terrified expression.

Apparently 'my bad' and 'I'm sorry' don't mean the same thing at funerals.

I went to a mansion but everyone had bad ettiquette.

It was a Bad Manor

Don't feel bad if you break a window...

you're putting it out of it's pane.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, we sometimes pee accidentally when we poop. Just imagine how bad it would be if that got reversed for everyone one fine day.

Every male would have a really shitty day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband: Babe can you tell me something that makes me feel good and bad at the same time?

Wife: Out of all your friends you have the biggest dick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married?

Because they part for every little shit.

Guy goes to the doctor, the doctor says: I have a bad news and a good news.

P: what is the bad news?

D: because of your condition you’ll have to live on a very strict diet. No chocolate or sweets, no fried stuff, no coffee, no meat, no bread, no milk and no milk products in general. You can eat only green vegetables. And you’ll have have to keep this diet for the res...

I haven't cut my hair in a long time. Initially, when it started getting a bit long, it was irritating and I doubted whether it was worth the effort. But lately it's not been so much of a hassle anymore. Maybe long hair isn't so bad after all...

Seems like it's growing on me.

Why do Trekkies make bad sports fans?

They are always rooting for the Away Team.

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

“Well, unfortunately, I’ve got good news and I've got bad news.” “Gimme the good news first, Doc.”

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

They used to say that even bad advertising is good, Blizzard just discovered that is no longer true...

When everyone has phones

Why is a vegan bad to date?

Why is a vegan bad to date?

They don't like having meat in their mouth.

My psychic told me i will be having bad luck until 30

He also told me you will get used to it after 30.

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Orange Dick Bad

A guy goes to his doctor and says "Doc, ya gotta help me. My dick is turning orange!"

Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can have a look. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange! Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a l...

Why is a bad government like a bikini?

Because people marvel at what's holding it up. And they wish it would fall.

BAD NEWS

President Trump awakens one Winter morning to discover someone has peed “Impeach Trump” in the snow. He calls the Secret Service to investigate.

When they return, they tell the President that they have bad news and even worse news. The bad news is that it’s Vice President Pence’s urine. This ...

An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey...

"Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.

An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.
...

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