This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

Beer Bottle: “You break me, you get one year of bad luck!”

Mirror: “You kiddin’ me? You break me, then y’all are getting seven years of bad luck!”

Condom: “Ha...haha....hahahaha (walks off laughing)”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy has a really bad stutter.

Guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “ doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find. The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge cock, the doctor says that’s the problem...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It might be a repost and badly written but my dad just told this to me and I thought it was too good to not share

Patrick and Mick worked at a factory and one day Patrick cut his arm off in a sawmill so mick put the arm in a plastic bag and took him to the hospital.

The next day mick rings up the doctor to ask how Patrick's doing.

The doctor says "he's just exercising in rehab"

Shocked, mi...

The son of a jewish man got repeatedly kicked out of every school for bad behavior

the kid was a delinquent and was eventually kicked out of every school he was sent to. not having any more options the jewish father sent his son the only school left in the area: a christian school run at a church. In the christian school the son got perfect grades and the teachers described him as...

In another 3028 years, there’s a chance that things will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

If you think Omicron's bad..

Just wait until Megatron shows up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my priest if I would go to hell for all the bad things I've done.

Priest: Let me tell you a secret, hell ain't so bad.

Priest: Do you drink?

Me: Hell yeah

Priest: Well on Mondays It's open bar night, all the booze you want, no hangover!

Priest: Do you do drugs?

Me: Hell yeah, everyday!

Priest: on Tuesday, all the drugs you...

The bad news is, one of the earliest signs of cognitive impairment is the inability to finish sentences.

The good news Is

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry...

I’ll return

Where do bad eggs go when they die?

Eggshell

Whats the worst part about having bad memory?

I'll tell u when I remember

When I found out it's a bad idea to do your own electrical wiring,

I was shocked

When does a ‘bad joke’ become a ‘dad joke’?

When it leaves and never comes back.

Why was the dog bad at soccer?

Because he had two left feet

I was going to finalize my research as to why vaccines are bad today

But all of the research sites are down.

I told my friend the joke about the bad sniper

But it went right over his head.

America has been having a lot of bad luck lately

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.

"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "what can I do to make Russia great again?"

Stalin replies, "Execute half of your population and paint the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

I used to think I was bad at dating in high school as I never had a girlfriend.

Prince Andrew must have been way worse, he was 45 when he got a high school girlfriend!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man badly wanted to lick the princess' boobs.

He decided to ask his friend Johnny, who works in the palace. He promised 2,000 gold coins to Johnny, he agreed instantly with the deal.


A few days later, Johnny goes and sprinkles itching powder on the princess' bra while she was taking a bath. The plan worked successfully, when the pr...

What do you call a badly cooked piece of meat?

A misteak

Why are women so bad at carpentry?

*Holds hand in the air with fingers about 4 inches apart.*

Because men keep telling them this is eight inches.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bad boss

My friend Monica confided in me today:

My boss is a horrible man. He says awful things to me.

If he does not take back his words,

seriously, I will pack my shit and I will get the hell out from there.

So I asked: What did he tell you?

She answer:

He told m...

A journalist friend of mine asked if I wanted to hear the good news or bad news first

Being a pessimist, I chose the bad news.

She said, "Alright, Breitbart and Fox News it is then..."







^(Wasn't sure if anyone's done this joke before but couldn't find anything like it in search function; please don't yell at me if it is a repost)

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

You could say a lot of bad things about Switzerland

But their flag is a big plus.

What does a dyslexic person and a bad mage have in common?

Neither can spell.

People say that they’re being treated like a dog like it’s a bad thing but I wish I was treated like a dog

Because if a dog pees on someone’s lawn then everyone is chill but when I do it they call the cops. So unfair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the first thing you do after sex?

Continue the autopsy whilst reminding myself that one moment of weakness doesn't make me a bad vet.

I used to think drinking was bad for me,

So i gave up thinking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I should have guessed getting eyes surgically attached to my asshole was a bad idea.

But hind sight is 20/20.

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 5 year old told me - "Dad, peacock has a bad word in it"

"So I'm just going to call it a cock."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called my college roommate all sorts of bad names, but the only one that made him cry was “olive oil”

Both are extra virgin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s between my legs and smells bad

Your mom

A patient is in hospital and the doctor tells him 'we've had your test results back and I've bad news and very bad news' the patient replies 'Oh no, best tell me please?'

'The bad news is you have about 24 hours to live' says the Doctor 'The very bad news is I was supposed to tell you yesterday'

Why are women so bad at backing up their vehicles?

Because we're constantly lied to about how long 6 inches is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well. Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the ma...

Phoning a patient, the doctor says, “I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only 24 hours left to live.”

“That is bad news,” the patient replies. “What could be worse?”

*“I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandfather got badly burnt the other day

They don’t fuck around at the crematorium.

Did you hear about the guy that got badly injured while playing peekaboo?

Yeah they had to put him in the I.C.U.

The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?" A goat shouted, "The big bad wolf is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing?" questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.

"Helen," he said, "We've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world? We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."

His wife solemnly replied, "I remember, dear."

"Helen," he continued, "w...

Why is Batman a bad bartender?

He serves justICE!!

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

what does a beaver say when something bad happens

Damn it

Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls?

Vegas.

What is the capital of Finland if it smelled really bad?

Helstinky

Hordes of foreigners who speak a different language are pouring into our country through the porous and badly defended border in the wilderness and they are going to cause our society to collapse.

I’m starting to think Rome should do something about those Germans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy asks his friend why he wants to become rich so badly

The friend says, "Simply so I can indulge my sexual fantasies..."

And he goes, "Jesus, from what you've told me I figured you're more on the vanilla side."

His friend replies, "Oh, I am."

Confused, the guy asks, "Then why do need to be rich to pay for normal sex?"

So his ...

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

Good or bad you decide

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?”

He ignored me and continued writing the ti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

The Test

This joke was told to me 20 years ago by a friend of my Dad’s.

The President of the USA decides to run an exercise to test the effectiveness of the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD with a simple task - a bunny rabbit will be let loose in a designated forest and he will send in one agency at a time ...

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid...

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

Good news + Bad news + Good news + Bad news

A woman was nervously waiting at the airport for her husband to return from his skydiving lesson. The pilot approached her: "I'm sorry, but there's been an accident. I have some bad news, some good news, some more bad news, and some more good news.

The bad news is your husband fell out of the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says "excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer look...

'I'm sorry' and 'My bad' means the same thing.

Unless you're at a funeral.

the vacuum cleaner in my dorm is so bad..

i would say it sucks but it can’t even do that

Bad hearing

I went to a potluck the other night and brought some salami to share.

My friends looked at me confused and said "We told you to bring sashimi, not salami".

I apologized and explained that my herring was bad.

Before you bad mouth someone, walk a mile in his shoes

That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 19 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience.

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

What do you call a Roman emperor with bad allergies?

Julias Snaesar

I feel bad for Sacha Baron Cohen. People rave about his performances in Borat and Da Ali G Show…

… but We Don’t Talk About Bruno.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone in my family is bad at holding in their piss.

Sadly, it runs in our jeans.

A good drummer, a bad drummer, a trumpeter and a clarinetist are standing im each corner of a football field

You throw $100 in the middle of the field. Who gets the money first?

The bad drummer. There are no good drummers, the trumpeter doesn’t move for just 100 bucks and the clarinetist didn’t understand the game.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I continously kept feeling something bad would happen so I went to my therapist

He says it's called anxiety and not spidey-sense

Bad Weather.

Since this bad weather started, my wife hasn't stopped staring through the patio windows.

If it gets any worse, I might have to let her in..

Having a bad day

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think yo...

My wife said, "You always come home in a bad mood..."

"I can't remember the last time you came home in a good mood."

I said, "That's because you weren't here."

A guy was going on vacation and didn't have anyone to take care of his beloved cat

So he had to leave her with his notoriously irresponsible friend. The very first day the friend left the door open and Muffin ran out and and got hit by a car and killed.

The guy called his friend the next day to see how Muffin was doing and he said "Oh, sorry, the cat's dead. Got hit by ...

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ...

Did you know there's a world leader who is famous for their bad gas?

Vladimir Putin

I made a bad NFT pun.

Why can't you buy mushrooms with NFTs?
???
Because it's a Non **fungi**ble token .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm in a really bad place right now.

Not mentally, I've just found myself in fucking Utah.

I really don't get why black cats get singled out as bad luck

Pretty much any color cat that crosses your path will have you trippin'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a bad case of hemorrhoids, so I went to my doctor.

He said, "Wow, this is bad. I've seen some weird assholes in my career but this takes the cake." I replied, "Could you at least wait until I drop my pants?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Probably bad but why not. Al Pacino and a dwarf walk into a bar

The bartender asks Pacino what he wants to drink, but ignores the dwarf. This goes on for some time, until the dwarf gets pissed and tells Pacino. Pacino then pulls out a gun and points it at the bartender, and shouts "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!"

People say being a waiter is a bad job...

... but, hey, it puts food on the table.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a bad toothache visits his dentist

The dentist tells him that he has a cavity that is severely infected and that he will need to get the tooth pulled.

The man says that he will think about it and goes back home. He tells his wife that he doesn’t want to undertake the dental procedure until after the holidays and that he will ...

A man dies and goes to hell

Because all the other torture chambers are full, the Devil puts him to hard labor.

A few hours pass, and the Devil returns to see how the torture is going. But the man is smiling and hardly working a sweat.

"Why haven't you given up yet? It's been at least 6 hours." The Devil asks him....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pas...

I’m quite bad at archery

But I aim to improve

2022 is going to be so bad

Betty White didn't even want to try it.

I have been trying to understand why my candle has such bad insomnia...

...guess there is no rest for the wicked.

Why are ghosts such bad liars?

Because they are easy to see through.

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are quantum physicists bad at sex?

They either have the position or the momentum, but never both.

Its bad enough I'm bulimic, but today, after vomiting up my alphabet soup...

I discovered I'm also dyslexic!

A farmer is suing a trucking company a week after getting into a very bad accident.

"Sir," the trucking company's lawyer says to the farmer, "my client says that, after the accident, you said you were fine. Is that true?"

"Well, you see," replies the farmer, "I was driving to the fair, and my favourite dog, Spot, was in the front seat with me, and--"

"I didn't ask for...

What's the difference between a good joke and bad joke timing

of the repost

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

I had a job offer in Newark, but I heard it's dangerous...

So I called a friend of a friend who lives there. He said, "It has a bad reputation, but if you use basic caution and common sense, it can be a fun, vibrant place to live."

I said, "Cool! By the way, what do you do there?"

He said, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

Why is it generally a bad idea to marry chess pieces?

Well many would think of it as a Rook-ie mistake

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.