UPJOKE
evilworsesorrytoughatrociousterriblehardbigprettyawfulunsoundbadlynaughtyriskypitiful

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

What is big, red, hard and bad for your teeth?

a brick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the bitcoin crash won't be as bad as black friday

At least we don't have to worry about people who jump out of their basement windows.

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence.

The doctor told Billy, "I have bad news and worse news"

"well what's the bad news?" Billy asked.

"you have 24 hours to live"

"oh my God, what can be worse than that?"

"well I've been trying to catch you since yesterday"

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I once stole a jar of orca semen from my friend, the scientist. After a few years, I felt bad, and eventually returned it. My friend was obviously confused by this and said "Thanks, but what is it?" I replied...

"Your whale cum."

I met a frail old wizard. He had bad breath and loads of blisters.

He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

Why do French ghosts smell so bad?

Zay are, ow you say, "covered in sheet".

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

"Son, I have some good news and some bad news."

"OK..." he hesitated.

"Well, the good news is...I got you a replacement hamster." I said.

"A...replacement..?" he stopped, as a tear ran down his cheek.

"Yes, and that leads me to the bad news," I added, "You are adopted."

Why are vampires very bad Product Managers?

Because they refuse to meet with stake holders

what is the difference between a good joke and a bad

joke timing

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store.

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store and asks,

"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p...

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As a new adult I realized how bad inflation got when I paid for my first prostitute.

My grandpa used to say it something about how it was only "a penny for your thots".

Novice pirates are always bad singers.

They can never hit the high seas.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

People with bad teeth are the real winners

They even have the plaque to prove it

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

I told a joke about miscarriage to a group of women, but none of them laughed.

I guess it was a bad delivery

I heard fossil fuels were bad...

So I burned a bunch in my backyard. Glad to be helping the environment.

Why is the south bad at calculus?

They don't know how to integrate.

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

Everyone keeps saying that I'll never amount to anything because of my bad habit of procrastinating.

I respond to that by replying, "Yeah?? Well you just wait"!!

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

Dentists make a living from people with bad teeth.

Why would you use a toothpaste that 9/10 dentist recommend?

So, my girlfriend kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

Why are orphans so bad at poker?

They don't understand the term "full house".

Today was a bad day

My ex got hit by a car and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

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A man wakes up in the hospital. An attractive nurse says “you were in a bad accident and you can’t feel anything from the waist down”…

So the man replies, “well then can I feel your tits?”


-Gilbert Gottfried original told on the Doug Loves Movies podcast. RIP Gilbert.

No matter how bad your personal situation is - alcohol is never the answer

Alcohol is the question, and "yes" is the answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

I have very bad credit

Luckily I have a Sign-If-I-Cant other

I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen…

I can feel it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

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I'm a bus driver. If I'm having a bad day

at work, I'll look in the mirror while driving, and mutter to myself " you're all cunts aren't you ? " and then tap the brakes twice so they all nod.

Why do people tell you to sit down for bad news

Because you might not be able to stand it

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

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Bad doctor

This doctor was horrible.

Sense of hygiene was DISGUSTING.

He would keep all the thermometers and pens in his same from pocket.

A package arrived for him to sign for reached up for a pen to use and has only thermometers in his pocket.

Doctor say "damn that bum took my p...

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

Why are prisoners so bad at socializing?

Because they're in cells.

What separates bad jokes from dad jokes?

Condoms.

I'm not saying my local Walmart is bad.

I'm just saying it has a police precinct.

I told my wife I feel bad for criminals because they have to work holidays.

She said they deserve time and a half.

Our soccer team is so bad that our opponents hit the bar three times in the first half of today’s match.

They could have at least waited till the end to celebrate.

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

Little Johny failed fourth grade so badly that the school put him in third grade

He failed third grade even worse that they had to put him in second grade.

Upon hearing the news that he failed second grade even more spectacularly and had to be demoted to first grade, his dad whispered to Johny's mom:

Tighten your underwear, he is coming back !!

You know when things are getting bad when people only want their kids to live a long and healthy life they will enjoy...

And you have to wonder how their children are going to handle the pressure of those unrealistic expectations?

Patient: Am I a bad person because I occasionally like to vape?

Psychiatrist: Not at all. It's really not a big deal.

Patient: Thanks! That's such a velief

What's a similarity between a guy in a wheelchair and a bad comedian

They can't do standup

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The bad news is that I slipped and fell while getting out of the shower and I landed on my glasses. The glasses went up my butt.

The good news?

Hindsight is 20-20

A father goes complaining to the teacher about his son bad grades.

The father is angry, "there is no way my sons failed his math exam, i can avail myself that he was more than capable when he left home" he argues, "I'd being with him 4 hours straight for the last 4 weeks, he is more than ready for the test, you can have him answer any math related question right he...

Did you hear the bad news about r/eunuchs?

They're losing members every day.

Why are robots bad in bed?

They just screw, nut and bolt.

Not to say that giving my girlfriend free reign over the thermostat is a bad thing…

… but two hobbits just showed up to throw a ring in our bedroom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor: So you have bad and good news, which one you wanna hear first?

Patient: "Please, the bad one"

Doc: "Ok you have 1 month left to live"

Patient: "Damnn and what's the good wtf?"

Doc: "Do you see that hot nurse over there? Yep we are fucking"

Why are anarchists bad at carpentry?

They have no rulers

You know it's getting bad when....

Kelley Blue Book asks is the gas tank full or empty.

Bad jokes are the best jokes

Did you know humans eat more bananas than monkeys?



I believe it… I’ve never eaten a monkey, have you?

Is there baseball in heaven?

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90’s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man’s friend asks, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor...

Did my wife leave me because I was bad in bed?

A tiny part of me says yes.

The allergies from pollen are so bad this year...

drug addicts are converting their meth back into Sudafed.

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turn...

Why did the alcoholic tell bad jokes at the comedy club?

He did it for the boos.

People be LGBTQ+ and still be dressing bad

Like what were you doing in the Closet the whole time

This past year has been a sad one. It would have been my Mother's 60th Birthday, which we would have celebrated with the whole family. But thanks to drugs, alcohol, and a whole lot of bad decisions...

We all forgot to show up.

What does a mortician say to bad doctors?

Thanks for your patience!

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Bad Parrot

A new pet store opens in a neighborhood and Tom stops in to buy dog food. As he walks past a cage with a parrot in it, the parrot says "hey you". Tomb looks at the parrot and says "hey you" to the parrot and the parrot responds "F**k you!" Tom obviously shocked walks back, selects his dog food, pays...

“Why was the pizza man so bad at telling jokes?

Because he always messed up the delivery.

The Russian Potato Crop The Agricultural managers always have to report the yearly crop numbers to the Chairman, and they always lie a little to make themselves look good. But one year the potato crop is very bad.

The potatoes are small, and there aren't very many of them. But the managers tell the Chairman, "There are so many potatoes! We have made a huge mountain of them, that reaches all the way up to God." the Chairman says, "Don't be silly now, you know God doesn't really exist." The managers look at eac...

I got really bad insomnia and didn't know what to do

A friend told me he gets a massage from his wife and he's asleep in minutes. I tried the same and it worked; his wife does give great massages.

How many bad comedians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

Beer Bottle: “You break me, you get one year of bad luck!”

Mirror: “You kiddin’ me? You break me, then y’all are getting seven years of bad luck!”

Condom: “Ha...haha....hahahaha (walks off laughing)”

Inflation is so bad right now ..

That a picture is now worth 2000 words.

My English is bad but...

It could be badder

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Guy has a really bad stutter.

Guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “ doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find. The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge cock, the doctor says that’s the problem...

The police said they’d arrest me if I kept telling bad jokes.

I stopped because I was scared I would end up in punitentiary.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad

I take something for it.

What do you call a bad russian magician?

A blyatician

I was going to finalize my research as to why vaccines are bad today

But all of the research sites are down.

An Englishman, Frenchman and a Soviet go to an art exhibition.

They come to a marble bust of Adam and Eve. The Englishman says "Look at their calm repose, their stiff upper lip. They must have been English."
The Frenchman says "Look at their nakedness, their natural artistic beauty. They must have been French."
The Soviet goes "No no. They have no food, n...

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

Wife wants to see the circus

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Yakov's Moscow Circus is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinne...

Let's discuss spam, spammers, and the spamming spammers who spam.

What did the moderator say to the subscribers?

Nobody knows, because nobody ever reads what moderators write.

------

Yes, it was a bad joke, but at least it wasn't a repost... which is *kind of* what we're here to discuss today:

As many of you are no doubt aware, spammers...

My wife told me I have a bad temper, so I flushed a GPS tracker down the toilet.

That way I'd never lose my sh*t again.

my wife told me to stop making animal metaphors because it makes me a bad person

she should get off her high horse!

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a 5 gallon jug filled with $20 bills...

He sits at the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender replies,

"It's the $20 challenge. You put a $20 into the jar, complete a set of three challenges, and if you win you take home the entire jar!"

The man looked at it and asked what the challenges were, because that much m...

In another 3028 years, there’s a chance that things will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

Why are crabs so bad at sharing?

Because they're all shellfish.

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.

A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the ha...

So I came up with this really bad joke about paper.

It was tearable

If you think Omicron's bad..

Just wait until Megatron shows up.

Cryptocurrency is crashing so bad . . .

that I heard ransomware gangs are demanding payment in rubles!

"You've got 24 hours to live"

Guy gets a call from his doctor saying he needs to see him ASAP. So the guy runs down to the office, doctor brings him back and says to him "I've got bad news and I've got worse news"

"What's the bad news?" the guy asks

"You've got 24 hours to live"

"Oh God. Well what's the wors...

I finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures.

It's my face.

What’s the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke

One letter

Germans don't have bad sausages..

They have Wurst

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

Americans are bad at clash royale..

They lost 2 towers already smh.

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they will throw b...

Little old lady decides to join the Hell's Angels

A little old lady decides to join The Hell’s Angels so one day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, “I want to join your club.”

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says sh...

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