People say being a waiter is a bad job...

... but, hey, it puts food on the table.

Doctor: I have bad news and worse news for you

Patient: What is the bad news?

Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What can possibly be worse news than that?

Doctor: I should have told you this yesterday...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm in a really bad place right now.

Not mentally, I've just found myself in fucking Utah.

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one

Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must ...

COVID is so bad in India...

That i haven't got a scam call in ages

There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..

..they make me feel even number.

Living with a tumor isn't all that bad

It sucks at first, but it'll grow on you

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

If dentists make all their money from bad teeth...

....why should we use toothpaste that 8 out of 10 dentists recommend.

Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”

Me: “and?”

Bad luck

Two friends meet on the street:
- Hey man, I heard your mother-in-law died. What did she have?
- Some jewelry, a TV and some small savings
- That's not what I asked you. What was wrong with her?
- Well, she had no friends, her neighbours hated her and she was hard to reason with…
- Ma...

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

I don't know why the burqa gets such a bad rep.



I've never seen a woman wearing one before.

Why is Oedipus bad at Latin?

He conjugated where he should have declined.

>!Latin verbs have conjugations and latin nouns have declinsions.!<

Why do people with no arms make bad comedians?

Because they haven't got a funny bone in their body.

Did you hear about the sickly magician with blisters and bad breath?

He's a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Why are ghosts bad at lying ?

Because you can see right through them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend says that having a small penis is not too bad...

Nevertheless I would prefer her not having one.

Apparently I execute commands badly....

Wife sent me to the supermarket with a simple request:
#
Go to the supermarket and buy a loaf of bread
#
If they have eggs get a dozen.
#
Came home with 12 loafs of bread,
#
Still don’t get why she’s mad?

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having a bad day and need your spare funny NSFW jokes. Help me Reddi-wan your my only joke!

So this cowboy goes out riding. Gets captured by natives and is told that now is a holy time so he may live in their camp for 3 days while the holy time comes to a close. The cowboy agrees (like he had a choice)

First day he askes his guard if he can go talk to his horse. The guard wants to k...

I feel bad for the man who died from drowning in oil.

Such a crude way to die.

I'm so sorry, daddy, I've been a bad girl

Priest: for the love of God, kid, it's "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

Why are atheists bad at exponents?

Because they don’t believe in a higher power.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is having sex with a boomerang is bad if you're a guy?

Cuz' it cums back

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they are constantly told nonsense about what 20 cm\* is like.

\* about 8 inch.

Where do lights go when they've been bad?

To prism.

Why are all dogs bad dancers?

because they have two left feet.









sorry

I have a really bad habit of screaming at the top of my lungs during my rectal exam.

It makes my patients really nervous.

Yo mama's teeth are so bad

That when she smiled to the cashier at walmart, the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans

If canned goods were to expire, would that make them canned bads?

Alright alright I’ll show myself out.

If you think Friday is a sad day, I’ve got some bad news for you.

Tomorrow is Sadder Day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good news and bad news

A guy gets a call from a hospital and finds out his wife was in a terrible automobile accident.... When he gets to the hospital he is greeted by a doctor who says, “Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news regarding your wife.....”

“Let’s start with the bad news....”

“Sir, I’m...

I had a joke about bad snipers

but I am afraid it won't hit the intended audience.

A man goes in to his doctor's for an exam and the doctor says, "Well, I have good news and bad news."

The man says, "Give me the bad news first, Doc." The doctor says, "You've got a rare form of cancer. It's incurable and you have three weeks to live." "Oh my God!" says the patient. "After that, I'm glad there's good news. What is it?" The doctor smiles and points and says, "Do you see that good loo...

Why do dinosaurs make bad pets?

Because they’re all dead.

Today is a good day, not great, not bad, you know, just good.

I rate this day 5/7

Doctor: I was told you have some kind of speech disorder. How bad is it?

Me: I can't complain.

I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen,

I can just feel it.

Bad cows, bad cows,

whatcha gonna moo?!

I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my navigation system said:

“IN 400 FEET, DO A SLIGHT RIGHT, STOP, AND LET ME OUT."

Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is like pizza

Even if it’s bad I still gotta pay for it.

A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse.

“Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.

Breaking bad

I was talking to someone about Breaking Bad and they asked me if I remembered who Hector Salamanca was, I told them that he rings a bell

"John, bad news. Your mother-in-law died."

John is told that his mother-in-law has died. He removes the cross with Jesus from the wall and begins to take Jesus off the cross with a screwdriver. Family asks him: "What the hell are you doing?" John say: "Jesus set me free, and I'll set him free!"

“Television is bad for the eyes”, a teacher says.

Jimmy: “Yes, and also bad for the legs.”

Teacher: “Legs?”

Jimmy: “My brother Timmy has bad legs from our television.”

Teacher: “Jimmy, how can your brother possibly have bad legs from his television?”

Jimmy: “He dropped it on his foot!”

Bad VR star wars joke

So there's a guy playing at VR game his friend walks into the room and sees him swinging his hands around like he's swinging a lightsaber and he assumes he's playing beat saber and judging from the height of his swings there are a lot of low blocks his friend taps hin on the shoulder and says hey ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m bad at making dick jokes.

It’s just really hard.

Okay, how bad is this one?

How does a person with multiple personality disorder live with oneself?

Well, they don't....

You know what would make your bad day even worse?

Finding out your toaster is water-proof.

Did you hear about the Doctor who messed up the circumcision badly?

He quickly got the sack.

I usually sit on a computer 12 hours a day now… I think its bad for my health

I should sit on a chair.

Johnny would get in to trouble, but no matter how bad things got, he would always return to the barn to pray to Jesus...

... He was a barn again Christian....

Men can’t be all that bad...

...I mean what else will female comedians talk about?

What did the man with bad acid reflux say?

Oh ma GERD

I’ve just got my latest batch of hemorrhoids medication but I had to call the doctor when I got a bad reaction. He asked ‘where did you apply it?...

On the bus I said.

I thought of this while practicing piano: Behtoven's diarrhea was so bad one moonlit night...

that he had 3 movements.

The pollen is so bad this year...

The drug dealers are trying to turn their meth back into Sudafed.

Why is it a bad idea to flush old wooden Dutch shoes down a toilet?

It would start Clogging up

I just spoke to Bill Withers. I told him “ain’t no sunshine” is bad grammar

He said “I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know”

How do you deal with a bad umpire?

Two balls, one strike.

Why is it a bad idea to iron your four leaf clover?

Because you shouldn't press your luck!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel bad for chefs

All their hard work turns to shit.

you want to know the bad thing?

only 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette

The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening!?"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bad Doggo! No Biscuit!

A guy is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time at their place for dinner. After dinner, he starts getting some bad gas pain. Luckily, the family dog is sitting right next to him.

Taking a risk, he thinks to himself, "I’ll let a little one fly and see what happens."

A few...

98% Of Americans Are Bad At Math

I'm just glad I'm in the 98%

"When drums stop...very bad."

An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.

*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*

The Englishman said to the wise man, “I...

Guy goes into the hospital with a bad case of gangrene on his foot ...

... doctor says “we’re going to need to amputate this foot immediately before it spreads”.

He goes through surgery and as he wakes up from his slumber the doctor says “well sir, I have some good news and bad news, what do you want first?”

“I’ll take the bad news first”

“Okay, ...

I got some bad news today. I was diagnosed with the big C.

Dyslexia.

American healthcare is so bad...

that after a doctor's visit the insurance company has to send you an *explanation of benefits*.

I was involved in quite a bad explosion the other day.

I was buying a grenade and the woman at the counter said "Can I have your pin please?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bicycles are bad for national economy

Oh Yes Mr. Reader, Bicycles are bad for national economy, even if its sounds ridiculous but it is always true that: -

Cycling is a danger to the country

Now reasons:

• He doesn't buy cars

• He doesn't take loans

• He does not insure the car

• He doesn't b...

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

“I have one bad and one good news, which one you wanna first?” Says the doctor

Patient: “Ugh... the bad first.. go.”

Doctor: “OK you have terminal cancer and you’ll probably die in a week”

Patient: “Oh damn wtf, what’s the GOOD NEWS??”

Doctor: “Ohh you see that nurse over there? I think she’s interested on me”

One day a bottle and a mirror were fighting of witch is worse to break.

"If you break me you get one year of bad luck" said the bottle.
"That is just one year. If you break me you get seven years of bad luck" answered the mirror.
But someone was laughing behind them. It was the condom who said "That is nothing. If you break me you get a life time of bad luck."

Thor likes to bust in and beat up the bad guys...

His brother prefers to keep things low-key

I felt bad for the hypnotist I saw last night...

He hypnotized seven guys... Then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled... F*** ME…
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life

So, I was in my room and I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically. I felt bad, so I made a small house out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my...

Tenants

You are allowed to have a bad day.

You've given us plenty so keep one for yourself.

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you...

My wife says if this post gets 1,000+ upvotes then we can get freaky on my cake day.

Please don't, the handcuffs are bad enough, the whip and strap-on are huge!

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom,

walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.


S...

Although relations between the two countries have improved over the years, there's still a lot of bad blood between Finland and Norway.

It's called Sweden.

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,

His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,

Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

If you think Lab Grown Meat sounds bad, ...

You should try Pit-bull Grown Meat.

(Mine had sticks and cat-litter in it.)

Jesus must have had really bad internet

his revival lagged for 3 days

A man heard his friend had lost two wives in two years. He felt bad so he called to give his condolences. He asked "how'd your first wife die?" "She ate poison mushrooms." "What about you second wife?" "She died of blunt trauma to the head." "Why would that have happened?''

"She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

Doctor: "I have some good news and some bad news."

Me: "Well, what's the good news?"

Doctor: "The good news is, we're going to name a disease after you. "

Why is Lemonade bad?

Because it's Not-tea by nature.

I don't know why people bad mouth lotteries.

I pay taxes and odds of winning the lottery are way better than the odds of getting good government.

A Bad Limbo Player Walks Into a Bar.

Thats it.

I feel bad for the queen

Gotta be hard losing your husband and cousin on the same day

What do you call a mother that's bad at driving?

One bad motha trucka

Good news / Bad news type thing...

Good news: My test came back negative.

Bad news: It was an IQ test.

Bad Dad Joke

What do you get when you cross a sheep with an elephant?

A Wolly Mammoth!

Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek ?

No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men

We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

I asked my phone "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"

She said "I'm Alexa you moron."

When my wife came home from work, I said, "Sit down, I've got some bad news. The cat's torn your budgie to pieces."

She replied with tears in her eyes, "We don't have a cat." I said, "I know, I had to borrow one."

Why do LGBT people have bad grades?

They can’t think straight.

How can you tell good cops from bad cops?

Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.

Guys, bad news... I have been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Docs call it feefiphobia.

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client

First the bad news:

The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"

Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"


"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer?

A bad lawyer will fuck you, but a good lawyer will get you off

A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.

Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:

“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”

Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.

“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”

Relieved that this ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Would I post a bad joke on my cake day?

You butter believe it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having a bad case of diarrhoea so I called in sick to work. However, my plea was rejected

Apparently having a lot of shit to deal with isn't a valid excuse.

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife

A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve."

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice cal...

Why was Cinderella bad at soccer?

She kept running away from the ball

How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?

Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Too bad punctuations couldn’t fight each other. Imagine a match between “.” and “:”

I’d pay to see that bloody shit.

Guy: I have bad news...

Girl: Me too...Mike cheated on me...

Guy: I have good news!

Girl: huh?

Guy: I accidentally hit him on my way to work today

Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six.

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"

Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once went out with a girl who had really bad eczema on her chest...

She had a cracking pair of tits.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.


"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.