After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

It's a shame Congressman Cummings has died....

I guess he's Congressman Goings now


This way out? Thanks....

How do you shame a shoe ?

By telling it has no sole

It’s a shame your friend has to be de-atomized today.

He will be mist.

I think it's really shameful how people criticize Lance Armstrong for taking drugs, the man won 7 Tour De France's on them.

When I'm on drugs, I can't even *find* my bike.

Please kink shame me

That's my fetish

I have a body like a god!

...shame it's Buddha

People shouldn't be shamed for their kinks. Me, I get really turned on when someone smells like musty sweat and coal.

But I always get called a monster when I admit to being attracted to miners.

Saved a woman from the shame of prostitution today!

I didn’t pay her.

Have you ever heard of the "walk of shame"?

It's when you are redditing on the toilet for so long that your legs fall asleep and you have to walk back the recliner like an octopus.

A man has been at the Pub all night drinking

The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door...

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Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice,

shame on your mother for raising such a little cunt

That’s a nice ham you’ve got there, it’d be a shame if someone...

Put it between and S and and E

I hate it when people make all these fat jokes to shame fat people

They have enough on their plate already

my girlfriends parents are very religious

the first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren't allowed to sleep together

It was a bit of a shame he was very attractive

A criminal is arrested and sent to jail [LONG]

The criminal had robbed a bank, but refused to tell the police where he stashed the money! Eventually, they give up trying to find it and just throw him in jail.

He gets letters from his wife and writes back, one day she writes; "It's a shame you're locked away. My back has been killing me, b...

It's a shame The Beatles didn't make the submarine in that song green.

That would've been sublime.

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Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:

" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "

An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:

" You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!! "

Itali...

It's a shame kids are bringing MP5's to school these days

Back in my days, kids only brought MP3's!

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It's such a shame about tomorrow's session on Prophecies

It got cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

I keep telling this joke about the plane that crashed into the twin towers

It's a shame it never lands

All timezones are equal and shouldn't be shamed

Greenwich is just mean

A German sneaks into a swiss bank:

"I want to invest one million euros." he whispers.

The banker says: "You can talk aloud, poverty is no shame in Switzerland."

That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody...

added an e.

It's a shame the immigrants and their kids at the U.S. border aren't named Church and State

then the GOP would never separate them.

A man was arrested for stealing cat hairs to make whoopee cushions.

This was a criminal offense in Florida. He was brought before a judge who was a notorious cat lover. The jury consisted of only elderly spinsters. The man's lawyer requested for a different judge and jury, but his request was rejected. The court found the man "extremely guilty and a possible dog lov...

woman pregnant with triplets is shot in the belly 3 times after robbery

she has a healthy pregnancy with no complications and gives birth to 2 girls and a boy. 15 years passes and one of the daughters runs to the mother crying saying that she was peeing and a bullet came. The mother finds this mildly amusing and begins to tell the story that took place 15 years ago. A c...

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Translation of the Bulgarian variation of the 1st day of school joke.

It's the 1st day of school at an American Middle School.

The teacher introduces the new student - Takiro Suzuki from Japan.

Class starts and she says:

- Now we will see if you know your history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me death!"?

No one knows b...

It’s a shame that Steven Hawking died

He’s been on a roll since age 21.

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I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people..

..that have been taking the piss out of me for wearing mittens, but I’m not going to point fingers.

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4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Shame about the Tesla driver that crashed while watching a movie.

He should've watched the trailer.

Its a real shame about Bary Chuckle

He always be a British legend to me, and to you.

Paddy and Mick are walking through the woods when they come across a sign that reads, "Tree fellers wanted." Paddy says, "Ah what a shame!"

"If only Seamus was here with us, we all could have applied for that!"

It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack.

If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.

I lost my glasses

Shame, I haven’t seen them in weeks.

A woman is caught cheating on her husband...

Her son walks in from school, with her husband close behind. Thinking fast, she shoves her lover and the boy into the closet, then begins casually talking to the husband.

" It sure is dark in here... It'd be a shame if I were to... Scream." Whispers the boy slyly.

" Please don't tell...

A father comes home after a long day of work, excited to eat the piece of cake he had been saving.

He opens the fridge, and sees the cake missing. The plate that the cake was on is still in the fridge, but it's empty!

He calls his four children to the kitchen.

"Which one of you ate my cake?"

The mother shakes her head and says "don't bother asking, no one ever takes blames ...

The Washington Redskins are changing the team name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, counter-productivity and hostility associated with their name.

....from now on they will be known simply as the Redskins.

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A man who was born with three testicles

Was extremely proud and conceited with what he regarded as the equivalent of winning the genetic lottery, in an act to flaunt and put to shame others he would sit regularly outside of his house and ask each passerby.

Man: do you know the sum of your balls and mine.
Passerby (perplexed) : w...

A man is standing in a bread line in Soviet Russia.

He is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame". Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:

"Citizen, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"

As the policemen leave, the ...

"I'm sick and tired of all these shootings"

Little Johnny crossed his arms. "You know what we should do? We should never call them by name. That just gives them the attention they crave. We should only call them by shooting incident, like 'The Theater Gunman'. Or perhaps a number, like "Shooter 123". That should put 'em to shame!"

The...

I was taking a photo when my friend tripped and spilt his Vaseline on my camera!

It’s a shame he photo balmed me

Recycled ones. But love them. 36 Math jokes and puns

Beginner

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to s...

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All of the organs of the body ...

All of the organs of the body got together to decide who should be their leader. The brain made it's argument first: "I am the center of consciousness and all thought. Clearly, I'm best suited for the job." Then the heart spoke up: "Regardless of how brilliant the thought or idea may be, without hea...

Parallel lines have so much in common

It’s a shame they’ll never meet

To my dearest wife...

A couple decide to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by visiting the same hotel in Spain they'd visited for their honeymoon.

In the excitement, they get to the airport but sadly find the plane is overbooked.

The wife says to the husband, "don't worry, you catch this flight and I...

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors. Tractor bedspread, tractor themed birthday parties, tractor t-shirts, school bags, lunchbox, everything Timmy owned was tractor themed in some way. He knew everything there was to know about tractors; big, small, new, old, he knew it all. When h...

Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on me

Fool me three times, you probably promised me a good Star Wars game.

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It's a real shame that, in this day and age, Barrack Obama had to give his speech about Martin Luther King Jr., while standing behind bullet proof glass...

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot somebody...

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The Man and the IRS

So an older gentleman received a phone call by the IRS, being notified about large sums of money going in and out of his account. He was told to be at the office first thing Monday morning. He thought to himself “Well if this is what I think it is, I better lawyer up.”

Sure enough he got a la...

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A man see's a sign on a bar window "Win $1,000,000 - Details inside"

Curiosity peaked, he enters the bar and asks the bartender what's required to win the million.



"Ah, that?" The bartender casually replied, offering a challenging smirk. "It requires the completion of 3 tasks I believe to be impossible. It brought in a lot of business when I first put ...

a muslim couple goes hunting and accidentally shot an ape. "ouch, that's a shame. can we eat him so he wouldn't die in vain?" said the girl. "no, we cant" the guy replied. "why?"

"it's Haram, Bae"

My friend used to obsessed over Jeanne D'Arc, Tomoe Gozen and the Goddess Athena

It's a shame he died of a Heroine overdose.

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Bob had one hand and was depressed.....

Bob felt inadequate because he was missing a limb. He always felt incomplete and insignificant.

One day his friend, Fred, took him to a park and they noticed a person with no arms dancing around like crazy.

Fred shamed Bob regarding his outlook on life and said he should be more like t...

Was told this year I can’t put up my Halloween decoration..

Which is a shame I thought a sign saying “child molester” was really scary.

Confuse two different sayings, shame on you

But teach a man to fish, shame on me for life

It's a real-shame I failed my entry-level idiom class

I came close, but no sugar.

3 men got to heaven

(English is not my native language, so please excuse any mistakes)


3 men died in an accident and got to heaven. They met God, who said that they would get a vehicle each. What it would be were decided based of how faithful the men had been to their wifes.


The first man look...

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

“What's the difference between sin and shame?”

“It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out"

A charity worker learnt that there was a rich man who had never donated anything

So this worker went to the rich man's office, and tried to convince him to give to charity.

The rich man folded his arms and replied angrily. "Did you know my sister's husband passed away suddenly? And left behind 4 children for her to raise by herself?"

The charity worker was surprise...

A wealthy businessman dies and is standing in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter meets him there and congratulates him on his success on earth. He says, "You know, its a shame that you have done so much and can't take it with you. I'm going to do something special just for you."

He hands the man a briefcase, saying, "I'm going to give you one day to go back down...

Shock me once, shame on you.

Shock me twice, that's just revolting.

A man sits a the bar, looking sad

The bartender asks him: what’s the matter? Well, the man explains, my girlfriend got hit by a bus and now she is dead. Oh, the bartender replies, that’s heavy. What a shame. Well, the man goes on to say, that’s not even the worst part. No? The bartender asks. But what could be worse than your girlfr...

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So, a teenage boy was visiting his girlfriend’s house for the first time since their relationship started a few months back

The dad: ”What is your name and what are your intentions with my daugther?”

Him: ”I’m Mahput McCockinner, and I will love her until she can’t even stand up without a walking frame”

Note: Originally posted as a comment, then as a joke here but changed cuz of unneccessary specifics. (OC ...

Twenty-five years.

Twenty-five years, and I never killed a single person until a few months ago. Now I'm on death row for multiple charges: manslaughter, murder, negligence.

After the first, I thought it was over. I thought nothing of the fact that the Sheriff warned me I would be sentenced to death if it happe...

You know what's a shame?

A bus carrying lawyers and politicians going off a cliff and everyone on board dying.

You know what's a damn shame?


There was an empty seat in the back.

A Bunch Of Men Died In An Accident And Went To Heaven...

when they got there, God told them to line up at His right if in their lifetime, they had been head of their household, and at His left if they weren’t.

God was surprised to see that only one man was standing at His right, so He said, “All of you at My left, shamed you should be! A man shoul...

It's a shame people aren't paid to complain.

If they were, my ex-wife would have enough money to support herself!

Purchased Vs. Homemade

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers.

"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you ...

It's a shame that Samsung cancelled production of the Note 7...

but at least they went out with a bang.

It's a shame that nobody is stepping up to defend the clown community

Not even the mimes are talking

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There's an old saying: "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me..."

But there's an even older saying: "Far'uzz Balzekai, enoch di vel marraz; sich bu ma'zz vi kundekarr di terra bra'zz." *Awaken Balzekai, demon lord of the underrealm; serve your master and bring terror upon the mortal world.*

I guess what I'm really trying to say is... does anyone know how to...

Things have become so politically correct, I can't even fat shame myself without looking over my shoulder.

Which i cant.

A man (37) and his wife (19) go to a restaurant to celebrate their marriage.

They received some disapproving glances at first. Later, the people started calling the husband “pedo”, “pervert” and “sick” and shamed the couple for the age difference.


Completely ruined their 10th anniversary.

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A lawyer dies and goes to hell...

The devil pulls up his file on his computer and sighs “You’ve been a naughty boy haven’t you? Extortion, gambling, sex with prostitutes and even murder!”

The lawyer hangs his head in shame and the devil pats him lightly on the shoulder.

“I’m a fair guy, what I’m going to do is let you...

There was a peasant married couple in Switzerland during WWII.

They had just had twin sons that they knew weren’t safe in Europe with the bombing and havoc around their country. They separated them by sending one of them to Mexico and one to Arabia. The Mexican brother was named Juan by his foster parents, and the Arabian family named the other brother Ahmal. T...

Shame to admit, my german grandpa told me this joke

How do you calculate the escape route of a jew?

Chimney Height * Strength of wind

What's the difference between shame and pride?

It depends on where I draw the line.

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A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar..

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, he's exhausted after a hard day's graft on the road.

The black piece of tarmac is huge in stature, built like a brick shithouse.. only tarmac.

It's a new bar and as he throws the door open the room falls silent and the ten foot tall monolith ca...

Its such a shame todays world is so politically correct, you cant even say Black Paint anymore,

Instead you have to say "Leeroy please paint the porch"

I recently hired two interns from China to help with my business

Hua Ta Yu and Biyuchica Mi. Because it was easier, they both asked me to call them by their last names.

I needed to sign up for a new online service and asked Yu to do so. I gave her my credit card and off she went. After an hour I went to see if she had completed the task and she was gone! W...

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Studying And Sex

* Why is studying better than sex?
You can finish early without feeling shame.

Jennifer Lawrence has said that those who saw her nude photos should cower in shame...

...I don't know about all that, but I did shower after I came.

Spook me once shame on me. Spook me twice...

That's 2 spooky 4 me.

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Pesky monkey

A lion was on a date with a lioness he was chasing after for months and finally got his chance to take her out to a picnic.

While they were enjoying their romantic outing, a monkey jumped out and started making fun of the lion.

The lioness looked at the lion and said "aren't you going ...

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Golf is such a discriminatory sport

I grew up in the glory days of Tiger vs. Phil and I always admired what that man had overcome to get to the heights of the sport's mountaintops. He was just like me, except for my whole life, I'd never felt accepted on the golf course. People would give me weird looks when I'd try to play and the pe...

It’s a shame the pope has to be surrounded by all that security.

Can't he just learn to keep his hands to himself?

I have the heart of a lion

It's a shame that the zoo won't let me back in though

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