UPJOKE
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Alas Jokes

Alas Fluffy, we knew him well.

I found my German Shepherd with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died of natural cau...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

A women married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they're finally together."...

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

"Why would you ever do such a thing!" He exclaimed.

"Well you see Mr Gandalf, after our adventure we haven't been able to feel the euphoria of being a hero until we tried this wonderful magic crys...

A young woman was married and had twelve children before her husband died.

However, she was soon married again and had seven more children. Sadly, her second husband died. She remarried and this time had five more children. Alas, worn out by constant childbearing, she died.

At her funeral the preacher prayed to God for this woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go...

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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

"Why, doesn't that j...

A wealthy man walks into a bar...

*I've seen a joke here about a man with* ***a head the size of an orange*** *which is an absurdist response to an old dirty joke. I'm not sure everyone knows the original. I'll put the anti-joke version in the comments.*

\--------------

A wealthy man walks into a bar. He is clearly ric...

I met someone special in a Scottish ICU.

*Alas…*

I thought I'd bought a couple wildebeests

But alas - fake gnus

A priest and a nun are having a tennis match...

The priest is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better. After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”, startling the nun. She let it slip by and the match continues.

But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the nu...

After fighting off waves of attacks by the Spartans, Paris went to visit with Helen

But alas, she was not very happy.

“What is wrong, my love?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Come on, my love, I sacrificed so much for you, so you must divulge why you’re not happy.” He pleaded.

“It’s nothing.”

“I’m pleading with you! I will defeat the whole spartan army and Ach...

Two blood cells met and fell in love...

But alas, it was all in vein.

Desperately, the doctor attempted to extract even a drop of his life-saving vaccine from his first patient's arm...

...But alas, it was all in vein.

A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.

So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying miller’s daughter.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl?

EDITH: My father’s big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicame...

This person told me "When pigs fly I'll get my kid vaccinated!"

Alas, swine flu.

I was confident I could win the duel until my opponent swung his sword at my ankles.

Alas, I was de-feeted.

Once upon a time there lived a king.

The king had a beautiful daughter. There was a problem though – everything the princess touched would melt. It didn’t matter what it was made of: metal, wood, stone… anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What...

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A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped...

A limerick that I heard years ago

Poor Johnny used to drink
But alas, he drinks no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.

A man with no arms is homeless and looking for a job.

He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says:
"Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?"
The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says:
"You see that bell up in the tower? ...

Christmas Letters To Santa

Who gets the Christmas letters to Santa from dyslexic children? Alas not Santa.

Two brothers from Ethiopia

Two brothers from Ethiopia opened up this place selling camel’s milk. They brought their own camels, all the way from Ethiopia. I was interested, so I paid them a visit.

They happened to be milking the camels when I came in. It wasn’t what I expected. Nagasi wiped his brow and cried out, “Sa...

I was all set to be the world's greatest supervillain, but first I had to win a fencing duel.

Alas, I was in anguish when I lost, for my plans had been Foiled.

I hate winter…

I hate the snow, the ice, the cold. In these times I think of the 4-man tent I bought on sale sometime around 1995. It’s a basic tent, and it was a great value when I got it. It’s hardly used now and just sits in my garage. I get such Winter Blues that I think about setting the tent up in the back y...

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Missed it

A priest is walking along the countryside when he comes across a young man near a Mango tree trying to drop some mangoes.

The young man would pick up a stone, take aim and throw it but alas his aim was bad and he missed all the time.

The priest watching this stops to observe.

Th...

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Someone asked me if I'd ever given a sterile guy a blowjob, so I racked my brain trying to remember if I had.

Alas, I just kept drawing blanks.

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I sexually identify as a female

I keep trying to convince my family that Im not a guy, but alas

Two watermelons fall in love and want to get married.

Alas, weddings of that variety haven't been legalised yet meaning they cantaloupe

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One of the Saddest Stories I’ve Ever Heard

The HighSchool Girls National diving team’s plane crashed into the ocean, and they washed up on a deserted island.

Physically, the few survivors were unharmed, but as the days past, their minds began to crack as they realized that they had not the tools, knowledge, or materials to build a wor...

A Limerick (OC)

A man was once offended

By a pun writing contest he entered

He submitted ten

Sure that one would win

But alas no pun in ten did

Had an Amish friend with 6 sons and five daughters.

OP.
When his wife got pregnant again, he hoped for a daughter, just to even things up. But, alas, another boy. When I saw him next, I asked him what was the kid count was now.
He smiled and winked, “I now have one and a half dozen boys, and five girls.”

I wish I could see what mischief my students are getting up to at the far end of the school yard.

Alas, I've never had good pupils.

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A princess and her entourage are playing a truth-telling game.

She asks a knight if he has fathered any children. He looks down and says, “Alas, my Lady, I have not.”

The princess nods. “I believe it. You do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress. Your beard is a mere fuzz, and it is easy to tell from the state of the hay whether the pi...

When the zookeepers come in the morning, they find a kangaroo wandering the zoo...

They put it back in its environment, and add barbed wire to the top of the fencing to keep it from jumping out. Yet the next morning once more the kangaroo is found out and about, relaxing near the arctic exhibit.

Perplexed but not perturbed, they return it to its enclosure and call in the c...

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One day a kid walked down to the boat dock

There he met a pirate with an eyepatch, a hook hand, and a peg leg.

Kid: Hey mister pirate! How'd ya get that peg leg?

Pirate: Aye, a cannonball blew it off with a bang

Kid: How'd ya get that hook hand?

Pirate: A shark bit it clean off

Kid: How'd ya get that eye pa...

The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."

But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.

I really wish I could diminish my allergies..

Like, punch a hole right through them. Alas, I don’t have any experience putting holes in things.

If only I had Benadryl.

A redditor with an interest in fencing was on r/rareinsults

He found an amusing and witty retort, and was about to upvote, but alas he remembered. It was a riposte

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The patient goes to see a doctor: “I am pooping like noodles!”

“Like literally, my poop is shaped like noodles,” the patient says as he sits down in the consulting room.

Doc is dumbfounded. In all his years of training and practice, he hasn’t encountered a symptom like this. He thinks hard and prescribes some antibiotics, hoping they will solve the probl...

Johnny and Lorraine met when they where 18 years old

Through the years their relationship blossomed and evolved from friends to lovers to eventually that of a husband and wife.


Alas, as is often the case their relationship was heavily tested. 10 years after getting married to Lorraine, Johnny met a woman named Clearly and started develop...

"An Ode to Reddit," a poem by me.

We’ve all seen the joke that’s been goin' 'round Reddit,

The one with lame puns about “spreddit” and “shreddit.”

People assume that we’ll somehow forgeddit,

and then they repost it and act like they seddit.

We—the people—assume that they’ll eddit it,

find the origi...

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You decide to get some new water storage tanks for your house out in the countryside.

The plumber doing the installation, some guy called Terry, arrives hours late, completes the job way over schedule and overcharges you, so you give him the finger and pay him in one-cent coins (which you've saved for occasions like this). Terry says nothing and leaves, but unbeknownst to you, he fir...

Two men die at exactly the same time

When they get to the pearly gates St. Peter tells them that rules are rules and he can only allow one of them to enter, but to keep it fair, he’ll allow the one who can come up with a poem with the last line Timbuktu. The men think a while, and the first man says “OK, I’ve got mine!” St. Peter says ...

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"I'M SO FUCKING WET!" She screamed...

"GIVE IT TO ME!" Alas, she can scream all she wants, but I'm not giving her the umbrella.

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Guy is shipwrecked on a desert island.

Not much to do, just some trees with coconuts, some sand... and a sheep.

After a few weeks, the guy starts feeling a little hard up, so he tries to catch the sheep and have his way with it. Alas, he cannot catch the sheep. Every day it gets worse- he is increasingly more horny, but the shee...

An English Man, An Irish Man and a Scotchman are caught by cannibals.

The cannibals tell them they will all be skinned alive and turned into canoes and all. Of their insides eaten however, they have one last request before this happens.

The English man says "For my last request I want to have a cigar" the cannibals provide him with this and as soon as its fini...

Trix are for kids!

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for a giant that lived on the mountain. The giant would often terrorize the Trids.
The Trids, tired of the giant, sent a group led by the community’s minister to reason with the giant. But before ...

The lion was a an avid golf player

One day, he was randomly paired up with another cat. This cat was something else. Every time he'd tee off, zoom! He'd go running down the fairway, often beating the ball down the hole.

Not only was he fast as but he was good, really good. Every shot landed in the fairway, or even on the gr...

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Jebediah the shepherd wanted to make a statement about bullying and stood up at the town meeting.

"Friends, there is a cruel and unfair practice that is infiltrating our community. You may not have noticed, but it is here and it is doing grave damage to my sense of well being and comfort in our beautiful village.

Perhaps Englebert has noticed? The man who bakes our bread every day, who f...

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Two Mothers Are Sitting Together At An Outdoor Café In Baghdad...

**Mother 1**: [*pulls out picture from purse*] "This is my son Abdullah. He would have been 25 now, but, alas... he became a martyr."

**Mother 2**: "Ah, yes I remember when he lost his first tooth..."

[*sighs*]

**Mother 1**: [*pulls out another picture*] "This is my son Hussein...

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

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The hunter who didn't care

There was a hunter who simply didn't care.

One day, the hunter who didn't care was out hunting and bagged several animals that he intended to sell for furs. And when I say many animals, I mean *many* animals, well beyond his legal limit. But, alas, he didn't care. He just kept waiting for ...

There was once a doctor who tried to prove that mainly blood was kept in bones,

But alas it twas in vein.

Once upon a time there was a girl,

this girl had the ability to heal others any other living thing imaginable. One day a very injured demon came into her door and out of the kindness of her heart she healed him. The demon rose up and thanked her while he girl outstretched her hand to shake it, as was customary. But alas the demon fle...

A man is walking home alone one foggy night...

... when behind him he hears

BUMP

BUMP

BUMP

He looks back warily and through the fog sees an upright casket hopping its way down the street toward him.

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing after him.

He runs up to his door, ...

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Duke!

Dave goes to visit his friend, the rich Lord Pendergrast, for lunch. Lord Pendergast greets him at the door, along with his trusty hound Duke, and after greetings and a warm embrace, the butler shows them into the banquet hall where they sit down to dine. Duke plops down beside Dave, hoping for some...

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A man is hospitalized

He is stable. While not entirely bed ridden, he cannot move far without assistance. He feels a sudden urge in his bowels. He hits the call button to get assistance to go to the commode. Alas, he is unable to void. Several more times, he has the same sensation, summons the nurse, and again and again ...

A man sends ten puns to a friend in an effort to make him laugh.

Alas, no pun in ten did.

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Stranded on a deserted island

A Catholic priest is stranded on a deserted island. A man happens to row by the island, and invites the priest to hop in. "Alas, for I cannot accept your charity. My God is kind, and He shall provide."

A few days later, another rowboat happens by, this time piloted by a very attractive woman....

So, Moses and Jesus are playing golf ...

One day Moses and Jesus were playing golf. They were at the tee of a beautiful par 3, with a lake right in the middle of the fairway. Moses selects a 5 iron, tees-up his ball and swings. His ball sails very high and lands in the middle of the lake. He mutters to himself and tees-up a second ball, th...

A biologist, a logician, and a philosopher are driving down the road in County Clare...

They see the profile of a brown cow grazing in an adjacent meadow. The biologist says, "Look, Ireland has brown cows!" The logician says, "No, sir, all we can say for certain is that Ireland has at least one brown cow." The philosopher retorts, "Alas, my fair companions, all we can know for certain ...

There was an order of friars…

There was a religious order of friars who had to figure out a way to raise money in order to do much needed repairs to their monastery. They were so good at growing flowers they decided to open a florist shop. After all, there was only one other florist in town and he was overpriced, not to mention ...

The king of the Jungle was tired of his lazy pride, so he decided to hold a race of cats to take the winner as his new bride.

Alas, the story doesn't end well, because their children turned out to be a bunch of lion-cheetahs.

Tommo was a canary. [long]

Tommo was a canary. Like his father, and his father before him, Tommo worked in the granite mines. Every morning, he would perch upon the shoulder of his favorite miner, and descend down, down into the deep.

Tommo had a lovely wife canary at home named Millet. Millet and Tommo had two sons...

Credit to /u/Poem_for_your_sprog

He sat and sighed beside the road -

His engine's gasket blown.

His car was old and cold and towed.

The man was left alone.

-

'I need to find a place to stay

Until it's fixed,' he spoke -

But as he rose to walk away

Arrived a band of folk.
...

A psychic goes into an opticians to get his contact lenses replaced.

Upon learning his customers profession, the optician asks what next year has in hold for him.

The psychic replies "Alas, I cannot tell you"

The optician, who has had a terrible year up to this point, begs him for just a basic reading, even offering free contact lenses for a year.
...

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On a certain day, a bull and a pheasant were grazing on the field...

It once happened, on a certain day, a bull and a pheasant were grazing on the field. The bull was grazing on the grass, the pheasant was picking ticks off the bull.

Then the pheasant looked at a huge tree which was at the edge of the field, and very nostalgically said, "Alas, there was a time...

One day, daughter shack came to Mama and Papa shack and told them that she wanted to be a comedian.

“But you're not funny," said Mama shack.

Seeing his daughter's roofline sag in disappointment, Papa shack spoke up. "Maybe we could get you a coach?"

Daughter shack smiled with joy, and as she left, Papa shack arranged for a coach.

The coach came, a part time tiler who pr...

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My buddies and I where out for a night on the town.

We ended up at a high end bar with a dress code.All my buddies being the suave dudes they are where dressed accordingly with suits and ties but I alas was not. See you on the other side fucker they all yelled out as they went in laughing. Well there I was, out in the cold left out,abandoned.Not to b...

There was once a friendly mute ghost, ironically named sound.

Sound was a very social ghost so he showed up to several seances, but every time he couldn’t talk to the people who had summoned him because he was mute, but he tried desperately to communicate anyways. He would slam doors and knock over lamps and turn on and off random appliances. After all of that...

A religious blonde is going bankrupt...

She prays to God to win the lottery, so she wouldn't have to sell her car to make it through the week, but alas she doesn't. Next week she prays again to win the lottery, so she doesn't have to sell her house but again she doesn't win the lottery. Having nothing left she prays to win the lottery the...

I think me life is like the Truman Show.

I was tryin' ta figure out what type a genre show it be.

I thought, "It might be a drama," but me life isn't sad enough.

I thought, "It might be an action tale," but alas, 'tis too boring.

"Then, perhaps, it be a comedy," I thought, but me life isn't funny, so I cast that ...

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

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Hook and wood

As he's familiarizing himself with the crew, he notices an old man with a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Intrigued by all of these injuries, he walks up to the man.

"It looks like you've seen quite a bit of action," he says to the old man, "I'd be interested to hear your story."
<...

My pillow

I designed my own pillow. The pillow to rule all pillows. The perfect dimensions, the perfect stiffness, the perfect material. I sought the finest fabrics from around the globe and set to work on my grandest creation. It took months, but I finished. The last step was to transport it from the se...

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If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

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Four Men Are In A Rowboat...

They're fishing and after a couple hours without success, they all decide it's time for a smoke. They pull out their packs, but alas, no one has anything to light the cigarettes with.

That's when they throw one of their cigarettes over board.

Now the boat is a cigarette lighter.

So there’s two brothers…

So there are these two brothers, and they live with their mother. The older brother has this cat that he loves more an anything in the world. One day, the older brother wins a ticket for a free cruise, but alas, no pets allowed. He asks his younger brother to watch the cat for him while he’s away. H...

I thought by now you'd realise

A taxidermist and his apprentice are working late into the night to get their big project done - a full size lion on a purpose built stand. This once-mighty big cat had been killed in a fight with another lion, and was being fixed up for display at a natural history museum. The taxidermist had skill...

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A child and his mother go on holiday to the Vatican.

Dressed in his Tottenham shirt, Johnny excitedly awaits meeting the pope. In front of a cheering crowd, the Pope waves regally from his Pope-mobile, and Johnny clamours to the front in the hope of shaking his hand.

Alas, the Pope drives past him, and only inches ahead, stops instead next to ...

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Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is l...

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Here's another "dark" joke

Was walking down the street earlier when I saw a rather tall black man carrying a large flat screen plasma tv.

I thought to my self "holy fuck that looks just like mine!!"

So I ran all the way home to check.

Alas, mine was still there shining my shoes.

There was a substitute teacher that was replacing his friend in a rural school.

So the teacher came in and introduced himself. He asked the pupils to introduce themselves and tell the class what is their hobby.



He pointed a kid and asked him the question. He stood up and responded "Hi, my name is Andrew and I love to fish at the lake while watching sunset." The t...

A man is preparing for prom, but he needs a lot of things done

First he goes to the flower shop, but it is packed and he waits and gets his flowers. He proceeds to rent a limo, but the limo rental is packed, eventually he gets his limo. Now he has to get a tuxedo, at the tuxedo rental he has to wait a while and he finally gets his tuxedo. Now that he is at prom...

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A man in the USSR goes shopping

He wants to celebrate with his wife the beginning of the nineties and want to organize a big meal.

He asks the butcher for some beef to which he replies.

"Sorry comrade, we do not have any beef"

The man then decides to go to another butcher down the street but he also tells him ...

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The Duck in the Bottle

A man is on a quest for true enlightenment. His travels led him to sit with the Dalai Lama.

Man: Sir, do you have the answer for enlightenment?

The religious figure walks away but comes back with a bottle and a duck.

He hands both to the man and tells him,

"The day yo...

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A rich man threw a mansion party

It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee. During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard.

“Come! I have something to show you all! As well as a challenge!”

His curious (also drunk) flock followe...

Garden of Eden

It was the day of the judgement and God was really happy with what USA has done in its short time on earth. In fact God was so happy that it decided to allow all the presidents and first ladies in the garden of Eden for eternal happiness.

And so one by all presidents and first ladies present ...

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There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant;

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground wo...

In the early 1400's, a little town in France was down on its luck...

Unemployment was high, and everyone who needed money pretty much lived their lives in front of the job board in the middle of the town.

Well, one fine morning, the city priest walked to the center of town and posted a page that read, 'Help Wanted: Bell Ringer.' The groans that pervaded the cr...

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Paul wanted to marry Sophia.

Alas, Sophia preferred men six feet in height, and poor Paul was 9'. (Sophia had weird affinities for six-footers, don't ask me why.) He came to know from his magical friend John that there was a parrot in the middle of the forest who can make a person one foot shorter by saying "no".
Paul encoun...

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The Fly and the Pitchfork (long)

Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to pig out. She ate and ate … and then... s...

[Long] An old man with a broken glasses went to see an Optometrist

He bring a newspaper with him and said that he can't read.

So the optometrist checked his eyes and give him a generic reading glasses.

"Can you read now?" Asked the optometrist.

"Nope. I can't read." Said the old man promptly.

Confused the optometrist go look for differ...

Bob Had Terrible BO...

And no matter how much he washed or scrubbed, he couldn't get rid of it. He tried hundreds of soaps and shampoos but nothing seemed to work. He showered five times a day, kept the AC on 24/7 and avoided garlic and beans like the plague, but alas people still gagged as they walked behind him.

...

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I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

Three atoms, hydrogen, helium, and oxygen walk into a bar.

They go up to the bartender, Germanium, and start to order their drinks, but soon realise they are short on cash.

Hydrogen says to Germanium, "Hey man, we've had a long week, bonding is hard. If we can make you laugh, can we drink for free tonight?"

Germanium thinks about it for a min...

A priest was going to meet a parishioner for lunch

As he was getting ready to leave, he noticed he had forgotten to put on his white priest's collar. He looked and looked, but alas, couldn't find one. He asked another priest, "Do you have a collar I can borrow? One of the parishioners asked me if I could meet up for lunch to discuss some problems....

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A man walks into a piano bar

Orders a beer, sits quietly, drinking his beer and minding his own business.

Out of nowhere a monkey comes running, jumps onto the bar and takes a piss in his beer, fucks off before he can react.

“Hey! Who’s Monkey was that” he screams angrily - but alas, no one seems to have seen it...

A man insulted me, so I challenged him to a duel.

I took the first swing, but he parried and thrust his sword into my shoulder. "Ow!" I said, and swung at him again. Again, he parried and thrust, this time hitting me in the stomach. "Christ, man, are you ever going to go on the offensive?!" I shouted at him. He simply shrugged and invited me to com...

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