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Unhappy Jokes

Why is Kim Jong Un unhappy?

Because he has no Seoul.

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This man was unhappy with his appearance

So he decided to get a facelift. He was so happy with the results that as soon as he left the building he asked the first person he saw.

“How old do you think I look?”
“36”
The man says “nah bruh I’m 55 thank you though”

He is standing in line at McDonald’s. He asked the ca...

I’m unhappy with prime day

Amazon Prime day is on the 21st. I personally would not partake of Prime day unless it were on the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, 13th, 17th, 19th, 23rd, 29th, or 31st

The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...

So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.

Teacher, is it true that if you get married on Friday the 13th, you will be unhappy?

Of course. Why should that day be an exception?

An unhappy couple go to a marriage counselor

He tries to work with them, but they absolutely refuse to talk about anything in front of each other. The counselor gets fed up, gets his bass out, and starts playing it.

The couple sit there looking at each other dumbfounded. The counselor keeps playing. After several minutes of this, the c...

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage...

...a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large life insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie expla...

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An Unhappy Ending

A man is drunk and horny at a bar when he sees a beautiful woman walk in. He takes a shot of whiskey and stumbles up to the woman.

He tells her, "You face is gorgeous, your body is so sexy, and your breasts are perfect. Now tell me what I will find when I get you naked and go down between yo...

Did you hear about the two brothers who wrote down unhappy fairy tales?

They were rather Grimm about it.

Ba dum tiss.

Why was the King unhappy with the weather?

Because it was reigning.

Why was Werner Heisenberg’s wife so unhappy with him?

Whenever he had the energy, he didn’t have the time.

Why was the little inkblot so unhappy?

Because his mother was in the pen and they didn't know how long the sentence would be.

Why are pirates so unhappy?

Because their life is full of hardships.

why are frogs so unhappy?

they eat whatever bugs them

Why is Bill Gates's wife unhappy in her marriage?

Because he has a Microsoft

What does Hillary Clinton say when she's unhappy at a restaurant?

Can I have a different server?

A Married Woman is Unhappy

A woman named Mel was married to a man named Ralph. Ralph was very rich, but Mel was unhappy in the marriage and wanted to leave him, but still wanted his money.

She started to have an affair with a man named Arty.

Mel: "Arty, you'd do anything for me, right?"
Arty: "Sure, within re...

My dog hit a cantaloupe and appears unhappy

He seems kind of melon-collie

Why are Unhappy Marriages like the Police

They crush the life out of you.

Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.

The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"

Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."

The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"

Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"

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Unhappy man with his little dude

A old man walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. He quietly orders a beer when suddenly this tiny dude pops out of his shirt pocket. The bartender is amazed, “I’ve never such a tiny dude before.!” The old man quietly grumbles as he pulls out a tiny piano and places it on the bar. Immediatel...

Stressed? Anxious? Unhappy?

Ask your doctor if alcoholism is right for you.

An unhappy couple are driving on a snowy night when they get into an accident.

Both of them are hospitalized soon but the wife doesn't survive. The husband is unconscious for quite some time after the accident.

When he wakes up, the doctor gently tells him the truth.

He says, "Sir, we have a bad news."

The man tenses up. He replies, "What? Is it my wife? W...

Why was the Englishman's wife unhappy?

Cause he could only get a semi

I am unhappy with my made up, mediocre cheesy joke about my bad grammar.

I want to make a gouda one.

Why was Princess Leia unhappy in bed?

Because Han always shoots first.

Why was the female scarecrow unhappy with her husband?

She was not satisfied with the results of his straw pole.

If you're unhappy when single, you won't be happy in a relationship.

Happiness come from DRUGS not relationships.

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Why was the penis so unhappy?

**Cause his best friends are nuts and he is so close to an asshole all the time.**

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A lady goes to the doctor for help with her sex life...

Doctor: Give your husband viagra.

Lady: I can't, he hates pills.

Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.

Next week she returns, unhappy.

Doctor: Was it good?

Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and ...

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When do people have unhappy bowel movements?

On sad-turd-days.

Don't know about the happiest country in the world. But there is one country that's 80% unhappy.

Spain.

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What do you call a goose that is unhappy with its sexuality?

Trans gander

A soldier's wife has just returned from her insurance provider and is looking very, very unhappy

"What's the matter?" Her friend asked.

"I went to get my husband covered privately, but the fine print stated: no payouts when the holder dies as a result of an explosion and/or from injuries sustained in an explosion," she replied.

"Oh? So why would that make you unhappy?" Her friend ...

Why was Thranduil's son unhappy as a kid?

Because he was *LEGO-less.*

What did the unhappy factory electrons do?

Unionize

Dad, I drive my lamborghini to school but I'm unhappy

Text from dad: What's wrong?

Text from son: All the other students take a train

Text from dad: I'm wiring you $10 million, then you can buy a train too.

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LPT: If You're unhappy with your life, remember it's a question of perspective, my friend has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises daily, reads two books weekly, but he's still complaining about his life

...in prison

Heisenberg's wife was unhappy...

because when he had the time, he didn't have the energy, and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum.

Credit to Greg and/or Terry from American Dad.

A man had his portrait unveiled by a successful artist. The man was most unhappy with the result.

Artist: Are you happy with it?

Subject: I don’t think it does me justice!

Artist: it’s not justice you need, it’s mercy.

I've been in two unhappy marriages...

My first wife left me, and my second wife won't ;)

Socks are like unhappy couples in therapy...

Always trying to break up, only to be reunited by a third party.

A young woman goes to a fortuneteller. The fortuneteller tells her that she will be broke and unhappy until she turns fifty.

“What happens when I turn fifty?” the young woman asks, staring down at the cards.

“Oh, nothing,” said the fortuneteller. “You’ll just be used to it by then.”

Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced

It's as if they were polar opposites.

I was stressed and unhappy with my life, so I moved to Los Angeles

Now I have SoCal anxiety

New study shows that 4*20+10+7 percent of French people are unhappy with the French counting system.

Why was the animal unhappy?

**Why was the dog unhappy?**

He had a ruff week..

**Why was the cat unhappy?**

His life wasn't purrfect.


**Why was the turtle unhappy?**

His brother was a shellout.


**Why was the crustacean unhappy?**

His mother's been a real crab lately.
<...

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What do you call the scrotum of a man who is generally unhappy?

A sad sack.

What do you call the balls in a sad sack?

Depresstacles.

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When I told my therapist about being unhappy, he said, "When it comes to happiness, a good analogy is a 3D-printer."

"Oh," I said, "You mean that I should make my own happiness?"

"No," he said. "I meant, most people don't have it, and many don't even know what it is."

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

Two Polish janitors are unhappy because they always get passed over for promotions.

Anatol and Artur are two Polish janitors. They always seem to get passed over for promotions. They discuss the issue and decide that Artur will ask the boss about it.

Artur goes to his boss. "Why are me an Anatol always passed over for promotions? We work hard."

The boss says, "It's no...

What did the Vietnamese sandwich salesman say to the unhappy mod?

Bánh mì

A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America.

They will call it USB.

Today a large shipment of Chinese dumplings was thrown to the ground and smashed into crumbs by vandals who are unhappy with a change in the savory treat's recipe.

Local officials are said to be appalled by the wonton destruction.

I had a horrible experience giving blood today, the staff were horrible, the needles hurt and I felt really unhappy.

Apparently I'm, "a negative".

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A husband was unhappy with his wife's recent figure after giving birth to their firstborn child.....

........Just weeks after returning home from the hospital, the husband was walking behind his wife and remarked, "Your bottom is getting so big, it looks like an old washing machine."

The wife kept quiet and refused to dignify his comment with a response at the time.

When bedtime came...

A geneticist was unhappy with the result when he spliced potato DNA with that of his own genitals.

Nobody likes dictators

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An unhappy wife says to her mother "My asshole used to look like a 5 pence coin. Now it's so blown out it looks like a 50p!"

Her mother told her "Sweetheart, you have an estate in the countryside, a villa in Italy, luxury cars and vacation for months at a time! Do you really want to give all that up for £0.45?"

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My wife has been unhappy in the bedroom for a while, so I asked her if there was anything I could do to make her happy, she said S&M

So she's sleeping and I'm masturbating

Duck in a hard hat and hi-vis vest walks into a bar.

A duck wearing a hard hat and a hi-vis walks into a bar. Looking exhausted, he removes his hat, takes a seat and asks for a beer.

The barman eyes him as he pours. “I haven’t seen you in here before,” he says.

“Yeah,” replies the duck. “Do you know the big building surrounded by scaffol...

I had an unhappy childhood. Many's the night I've spent tied up in a burlap sack in the cellar after a thorough beating.

But it doesn't make up for my childhood.

Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE!”

I’m unhappy to report that I succeeded.

A yoga instructor lives with his wife and mother ...

His mother is unhappy with their living situation. One day, the yoga instructor's wife asks her why she doesn't look for her own place. The mother says that she wants to, but every time she brings it up with her son, he says the same thing. The wife says "what does he say?". The mother replies "...

A guy walks into a bar with a sad look on his face and orders a beer.

The bartender brings it and asks him what the problem is. The guy responds, "I dunno. I just feel unhappy and unfulfilled. What do you do when you're unhappy?"

"Well," responded the bartender, "I do a few shots then make mad love to my wife. That always does the trick for me." The sad guy say...

Mahatma Gandhi's sass

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “argum...

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The Nigerian king

Agnes, a middle-aged New York widow is feeling very lonely one day, so she decides to bite the bullet and try internet dating. Her initial attempts don't go very well, as most of the contact she receives varies from dick pics to guys asking for nudes. She's about to give up when one day she's contac...

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A suicidal man

had enough of being unhappy and decided to jump off his balcony. He went out to the balcony and grabbed the rail while looking up to the sky for a sign. Something in the corner of his eye catches his attention. He lowers his gaze and sees his armless neighbor, who lives in the building across the st...

A kind and generous doctor walks into a bar…

Seeing a balance of happy crowd inside she shouts happily “free shots for everyone!”

Half of the crowd happily get their best whiskey.

The other half of the crowd are unhappy and shout back “my body my rights!”

Rolando worked all his life in the circus.

He joined the circus young, and worked his way up from stable boy, to apprentice tumbler, then became a human cannonball. He was fantastic at it, shooting higher and farther than anyone had ever gone before. He also did some aerial tumbling that really excited the crowds.

But he grew unhappy...

A buddy and I went out to grab some dinner, figured the protestors in Ottawa would be ecstatic we were exercising our freedom.

Turns out they were quite unhappy with the man-date.

A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.

A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhapp...

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My wife is pissed off at me...

She told me how unhappy she is with her c-section scar and I tried to comfort her. Apparently "honey, don't worry, your tits will cover it up" was not the right answer.

Some people believe Monica Lewinsky was a Russian Spy She would inform the Kremlin on what came out of the President’s head.

They were however unhappy when she blew the whole operation.

A maid asks for a raise

A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shru...

If ignorance is bliss...

Why are all my friends so unhappy ?

The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.

The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We...

Maurice and Sadie were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary by having a meal at a restaurant with their friends.

Maurice looked unhappy, so his best friend Michael, a solicitor, asked him what was wrong.

"Do you remember on our fifth anniversary I asked you what would happen if I murdered Sadie?"

"Yes," answered Michael, "I said you would get twenty years in jail."

"Well," said Maurice, "I...

A curious child asked his father

Child: Daddy why your hairs are getting grey day by day?

Father ( thought for a second and said) : Whenever you do anything that makes me unhappy one of my hair turns grey.

Child: Oh, Know i understand why grandpa's hair is all grey.

Son comes to his father, telling him his gf is pregnant.

And it will take $300 to take care of it. Father is unhappy but pays up. Couple of months later his other son comes to him with same story. Father, again upset, pays up again. Couple of months later his daughter comes to him telling him she's pregnant. "Finally!" exclaims the father, "now we'll get ...

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New album just dropped

Wife unhappy, wedding pictures ruined

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The Preacher and the Donkey

A preacher wanted to raise money for the local church and, upon hearing that there was a fortune to be found in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter himself. Unfortunately, the going price for a horse at the local auction house was too high so he ended up getting a donkey instead. He d...

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When I was eight my grandfather told me...

There was this small pond in the woods and above it a fly was buzzing back and forth.

On the edge of the pond was a frog. The frog thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower I could hop up over the pond and eat it for my lunch.”

On a branch in the tree next to th...

white haired mum

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?...

I've got one green ball in one hand and another green ball in the other.

This is one unhappy Leprechaun.

A man once challenged everyone that he can answer all questions with just two sentences.

The man claimed that all questions can be answered by either "None of your business" or "None of my business".

Then a wise man came to him, and asked, "Don't you think answering questions like that make people unhappy?"

The man replied with "None of my business."

The wise man th...

A guy at work takes out his lunchbag and looks inside

He sighs and says "a tuna sandwich again? I'm getting tired of this."

The next day during the lunch break he takes out his lunch bag, opens it, looks inside and again he sighs, saying "every single day for lunch, a tuna sandwich. I really can't take it anymore."

His friend says to him ...

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Husband in bed.

Woman looks deeply unhappy at herself in the mirror while getting ready for bed. She exclaims, “Just look at me!..My hair is grey, wrinkles under my eyes, my boobs sag, my legs fat (GROAN!) . Husband, say something nice! Please!”

Husband: “Well, at least your eyesight is okay!”

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it's been raining heavily, puddles everywhere.

So a man is walking down the street, it's been tipping down. Puddles everywhere, just very wet.
He keeps walking and spies a duck, the duck is overly confident. The duck asks "how you going guy?"
The man is visibly confused by the talking duck and says *can't believe you can talk. *

The...

Hopefully it is original. If it’s not, sorry!

3 guys are lost in a particular foreign Village and now the cold night arrived. So they tried to go around houses hoping someone will take them in for the night.

First house: Guy 1– We are lost and we need a place to stay the night. Can you take us in?

Owner(looks at the 3 of them)— ...

Remain Calm :)

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Alla...

A farmer gets a knock at his door late into the evening

Outside in the rain was a homeless man that begged to stay in the farmer's barn and work for food and shelter.

The farmer invites the man in and said "I wouldn't make you sleep in the barn. Especially while you're all wet. Come inside."

The homeless man is shocked by the farmer's gener...

Civil war

To all of the Hillary supporters who are unhappy with the election and would like to start a civil war, just remember, you are on the side that doesn't want any guns.

The situation down south is too much

People unhappy, wanting to leave their country and come over to ours like they're entitled to it, corrupt law forces and an all around mess. As a Canadian this is too much

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Survey About Sex and Happiness

Years ago, I did a simple survey. Basically, I was trying to determine how the frequency of sexual intercourse correlates to happiness. I went to my college campus and started observing people. I saw a woman who looked somewhat unhappy, so I asked "how often do you have sex?" and she said "once a...

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An young aspirant joins an order of silent monks

Every ten years, the monks are allowed to break their vow to say two words. After one arduous decade, the day on which the young monk is finally allowed to speak has arrived. After thinking for a bit, he grimaces and says “bed hard”. This concludes his brief speech, and he goes about his priestly du...

Once, long ago, there was an Indian princess.

She was called Princess Happybottom, but she was very unhappy. She wanted more than anything to just be a normal girl.
One day, a magician noticed her forlorn appearance, and asked how he could help. “I just want to be normal, with a normal name, and be treated like a normal person.”
“I would...

Friend of mine just got his wife pregnant. Told him it reminded me of this joke.

This very young and innocent country girl fell madly in
love with this Greek guy and was determined to marry him.
Her mother tried hard to stop her, but when she knew she
couldn't stop her daughter, she said to her, "Listen child,
marry him and may you live happily ever after. But t...

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[NSFW] A man sees a woman on the beach with no arms or legs

As he passes her, she asks, "Sir, I feel so lonely, would you please give me a hug?"

The man hesitates but decides to give in and gives her a hug.

The next day the man is walking along the beach again and he sees the same woman laying in the same spot.

She sees him and says, "S...

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At a brothel a man got his dick sucked.

However he was very unhappy with his blowjob, so he asked to speak to the head manager.

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Mind Control

In a small town, people became increasingly unhappy with the mayor's administration. Sensing the people's disgruntlement, the mayor started to get worried about his post. He called for the council meeting to address this growing problem. The council agreed that it's mostly because people are not obe...

Three women - two from Eastern Europe, and one from America - walk into a bar.

The three of them all sit at the bar.

Suddenly, one of the women, originally from Czechoslovakia, starts ranting about her ex.

"I'm just so fed up!" she cries. "Twenty years ago, my husband left me, and I still can't get over how he used me just for my looks!"

The American wo...

A man walks into a restaurant...

A man walks into a restaurant, and the waiter asks him what he would like to eat.

The man replies, "Well I've never been here before, but I think I'll try the steak. Rare, please."

The waiter walks away, and a while later brings out his food. "And how did we do on your steak tonight?"...

A Doctor says to his Patient...

A Doctor says to his Patient, "I am unhappy to inform you that you have Cancer and Alzheimer's." The Patient then replies with a happy face, "At least I don't have Cancer."

Jospehine owns a clothes shop...

...most of her customers use the shop's mail-order service but one afternoon a mail-order customer turns up at her store very unhappy:
"This dress I ordered from you is a terrible fit! The cuffs need taking in an inch and a half, and the hem needs taking up an inch!"
Embarrassed, Josephine...

Two salesmen were going door to door

Two salesmen were going door to door. They knocked on one door and a woman answered. She was extremely unhappy to see them.

She told them angrily she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. But to her surprise, the door bounced back open. She tried again and real...

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