UPJOKE
sadmiserablesorrydistressedhappinessdejectedunpleasantuncomfortablehappydespondentsorrowfulsadlysufferingwretchedunfortunate

Why was Werner Heisenberg’s wife so unhappy with him?

Whenever he had the energy, he didn’t have the time.

The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...

So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.

Why was the King unhappy with the weather?

Because it was reigning.

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What do a contortionist duck and a lawyer with an unhappy client have in common?

Either one can stick his bill up his ass.

I’m unhappy with prime day

Amazon Prime day is on the 21st. I personally would not partake of Prime day unless it were on the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, 13th, 17th, 19th, 23rd, 29th, or 31st

An unhappy couple are driving on a snowy night when they get into an accident.

Both of them are hospitalized soon but the wife doesn't survive. The husband is unconscious for quite some time after the accident.

When he wakes up, the doctor gently tells him the truth.

He says, "Sir, we have a bad news."

The man tenses up. He replies, "What? Is it my wife? W...

Why was the little inkblot so unhappy?

Because his mother was in the pen and they didn't know how long the sentence would be.

Don't know about the happiest country in the world. But there is one country that's 80% unhappy.

Spain.

I am unhappy with my made up, mediocre cheesy joke about my bad grammar.

I want to make a gouda one.

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An Unhappy Ending

A man is drunk and horny at a bar when he sees a beautiful woman walk in. He takes a shot of whiskey and stumbles up to the woman.

He tells her, "You face is gorgeous, your body is so sexy, and your breasts are perfect. Now tell me what I will find when I get you naked and go down between yo...

A soldier's wife has just returned from her insurance provider and is looking very, very unhappy

"What's the matter?" Her friend asked.

"I went to get my husband covered privately, but the fine print stated: no payouts when the holder dies as a result of an explosion and/or from injuries sustained in an explosion," she replied.

"Oh? So why would that make you unhappy?" Her friend ...

A young woman goes to a fortuneteller. The fortuneteller tells her that she will be broke and unhappy until she turns fifty.

“What happens when I turn fifty?” the young woman asks, staring down at the cards.

“Oh, nothing,” said the fortuneteller. “You’ll just be used to it by then.”

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious f...

Maurice and Sadie were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary by having a meal at a restaurant with their friends.

Maurice looked unhappy, so his best friend Michael, a solicitor, asked him what was wrong.

"Do you remember on our fifth anniversary I asked you what would happen if I murdered Sadie?"

"Yes," answered Michael, "I said you would get twenty years in jail."

"Well," said Maurice, "I...

A man had his portrait unveiled by a successful artist. The man was most unhappy with the result.

Artist: Are you happy with it?

Subject: I don’t think it does me justice!

Artist: it’s not justice you need, it’s mercy.

My dog hit a cantaloupe and appears unhappy

He seems kind of melon-collie

A guy walks into a bar with a sad look on his face and orders a beer.

The bartender brings it and asks him what the problem is. The guy responds, "I dunno. I just feel unhappy and unfulfilled. What do you do when you're unhappy?"

"Well," responded the bartender, "I do a few shots then make mad love to my wife. That always does the trick for me." The sad guy say...

Why is Bill Gates's wife unhappy in her marriage?

Because he has a Microsoft

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What do you call a goose that is unhappy with its sexuality?

Trans gander

A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America.

They will call it USB.

If you're unhappy when single, you won't be happy in a relationship.

Happiness come from DRUGS not relationships.

Today a large shipment of Chinese dumplings was thrown to the ground and smashed into crumbs by vandals who are unhappy with a change in the savory treat's recipe.

Local officials are said to be appalled by the wonton destruction.

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When I told my therapist about being unhappy, he said, "When it comes to happiness, a good analogy is a 3D-printer."

"Oh," I said, "You mean that I should make my own happiness?"

"No," he said. "I meant, most people don't have it, and many don't even know what it is."

Why are Unhappy Marriages like the Police

They crush the life out of you.

Every Time We Do It

*It seems that many cultures have their specific style or templates for jokes. When I lived in the Middle East, I noticed a lot of jokes were long, and it was common to include some cultural aspect unfamiliar to me, such as arranged marriage. This is one such example.*

A man had three sons, n...

A Married Woman is Unhappy

A woman named Mel was married to a man named Ralph. Ralph was very rich, but Mel was unhappy in the marriage and wanted to leave him, but still wanted his money.

She started to have an affair with a man named Arty.

Mel: "Arty, you'd do anything for me, right?"
Arty: "Sure, within re...

Why are pirates so unhappy?

Because their life is full of hardships.

Why was the animal unhappy?

**Why was the dog unhappy?**

He had a ruff week.

**Why was the cat unhappy?**

His life wasn't purrfect.

**Why was the turtle unhappy?**

His brother was a shellout.

**Why was the crustacean unhappy?**

His mother's been a real crab lately.

**Why ...

Why was the female scarecrow unhappy with her husband?

She was not satisfied with the results of his straw pole.

why are frogs so unhappy?

they eat whatever bugs them

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Unhappy man with his little dude

A old man walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. He quietly orders a beer when suddenly this tiny dude pops out of his shirt pocket. The bartender is amazed, “I’ve never such a tiny dude before.!” The old man quietly grumbles as he pulls out a tiny piano and places it on the bar. Immediatel...

A farmer gets a knock at his door late into the evening

Outside in the rain was a homeless man that begged to stay in the farmer's barn and work for food and shelter.

The farmer invites the man in and said "I wouldn't make you sleep in the barn. Especially while you're all wet. Come inside."

The homeless man is shocked by the farmer's gener...

What does Hillary Clinton say when she's unhappy at a restaurant?

Can I have a different server?

New study shows that 4*20+10+7 percent of French people are unhappy with the French counting system.

A buddy and I went out to grab some dinner, figured the protestors in Ottawa would be ecstatic we were exercising our freedom.

Turns out they were quite unhappy with the man-date.

Why was the Englishman's wife unhappy?

Cause he could only get a semi

Why was Princess Leia unhappy in bed?

Because Han always shoots first.

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Asian Marriage

What do you get when a Japanese man marries a Korean woman?

4 unhappy parents!

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My wife has been unhappy in the bedroom for a while, so I asked her if there was anything I could do to make her happy, she said S&M

So she's sleeping and I'm masturbating

Dad, I drive my lamborghini to school but I'm unhappy

Text from dad: What's wrong?

Text from son: All the other students take a train

Text from dad: I'm wiring you $10 million, then you can buy a train too.

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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

Why was Thranduil's son unhappy as a kid?

Because he was *LEGO-less.*

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When do people have unhappy bowel movements?

On sad-turd-days.

I was stressed and unhappy with my life, so I moved to Los Angeles

Now I have SoCal anxiety

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Why was the penis so unhappy?

**Cause his best friends are nuts and he is so close to an asshole all the time.**

Stressed? Anxious? Unhappy?

Ask your doctor if alcoholism is right for you.

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An unhappy wife says to her mother "My asshole used to look like a 5 pence coin. Now it's so blown out it looks like a 50p!"

Her mother told her "Sweetheart, you have an estate in the countryside, a villa in Italy, luxury cars and vacation for months at a time! Do you really want to give all that up for £0.45?"

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What do you call the scrotum of a man who is generally unhappy?

A sad sack.

What do you call the balls in a sad sack?

Depresstacles.

What did the unhappy factory electrons do?

Unionize

A kind and generous doctor walks into a bar…

Seeing a balance of happy crowd inside she shouts happily “free shots for everyone!”

Half of the crowd happily get their best whiskey.

The other half of the crowd are unhappy and shout back “my body my rights!”

I had an unhappy childhood. Many's the night I've spent tied up in a burlap sack in the cellar after a thorough beating.

But it doesn't make up for my childhood.

white haired mum

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?...

I had a horrible experience giving blood today, the staff were horrible, the needles hurt and I felt really unhappy.

Apparently I'm, "a negative".

Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.

The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"

Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."

The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"

Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"

Some people believe Monica Lewinsky was a Russian Spy She would inform the Kremlin on what came out of the President’s head.

They were however unhappy when she blew the whole operation.

A geneticist was unhappy with the result when he spliced potato DNA with that of his own genitals.

Nobody likes dictators

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

Socks are like unhappy couples in therapy...

Always trying to break up, only to be reunited by a third party.

What did the Chinese man in an unhappy marriage say when he found out his wife faked her death?

"I never bereaved her anyways."

Two Polish janitors are unhappy because they always get passed over for promotions.

Anatol and Artur are two Polish janitors. They always seem to get passed over for promotions. They discuss the issue and decide that Artur will ask the boss about it.

Artur goes to his boss. "Why are me an Anatol always passed over for promotions? We work hard."

The boss says, "It's no...

A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.

A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhapp...

I've been in two unhappy marriages...

My first wife left me, and my second wife won't ;)

Heisenberg's wife was unhappy...

because when he had the time, he didn't have the energy, and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum.

Credit to Greg and/or Terry from American Dad.

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A husband was unhappy with his wife's recent figure after giving birth to their firstborn child.....

........Just weeks after returning home from the hospital, the husband was walking behind his wife and remarked, "Your bottom is getting so big, it looks like an old washing machine."

The wife kept quiet and refused to dignify his comment with a response at the time.

When bedtime came...

A man is unhappy with his wife...

but he doesn't want to divorce her, because she'll get half of his money and assets, so he goes to the mafia to see about getting a hit put out on his wife. The mafia agrees to do it and tells him it will be $50,000. The husband says, "I don't have that kind of money." He was then told to go see ...

Hopefully it is original. If it’s not, sorry!

3 guys are lost in a particular foreign Village and now the cold night arrived. So they tried to go around houses hoping someone will take them in for the night.

First house: Guy 1– We are lost and we need a place to stay the night. Can you take us in?

Owner(looks at the 3 of them)— ...

What did the Vietnamese sandwich salesman say to the unhappy mod?

Bánh mì

A curious child asked his father

Child: Daddy why your hairs are getting grey day by day?

Father ( thought for a second and said) : Whenever you do anything that makes me unhappy one of my hair turns grey.

Child: Oh, Know i understand why grandpa's hair is all grey.

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My wife is pissed off at me...

She told me how unhappy she is with her c-section scar and I tried to comfort her. Apparently "honey, don't worry, your tits will cover it up" was not the right answer.

Son comes to his father, telling him his gf is pregnant.

And it will take $300 to take care of it. Father is unhappy but pays up. Couple of months later his other son comes to him with same story. Father, again upset, pays up again. Couple of months later his daughter comes to him telling him she's pregnant. "Finally!" exclaims the father, "now we'll get ...

If ignorance is bliss...

Why are all my friends so unhappy ?

A man once challenged everyone that he can answer all questions with just two sentences.

The man claimed that all questions can be answered by either "None of your business" or "None of my business".

Then a wise man came to him, and asked, "Don't you think answering questions like that make people unhappy?"

The man replied with "None of my business."

The wise man th...

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When I was eight my grandfather told me...

There was this small pond in the woods and above it a fly was buzzing back and forth.

On the edge of the pond was a frog. The frog thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower I could hop up over the pond and eat it for my lunch.”

On a branch in the tree next to th...

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Two prawns named Christian and Jason are swimming together on a reef

Being near the bottom of the food chain, both are in danger of being eaten and are constantly scared of any larger fish. Christian loves his life despite the odds, but Jason is unhappy. He wishes to no longer be scared. "Wouldn't it be great if we were the top of the food chain?" Jason says, "imagin...

A guy at work takes out his lunchbag and looks inside

He sighs and says "a tuna sandwich again? I'm getting tired of this."

The next day during the lunch break he takes out his lunch bag, opens it, looks inside and again he sighs, saying "every single day for lunch, a tuna sandwich. I really can't take it anymore."

His friend says to him ...

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The Nigerian king

Agnes, a middle-aged New York widow is feeling very lonely one day, so she decides to bite the bullet and try internet dating. Her initial attempts don't go very well, as most of the contact she receives varies from dick pics to guys asking for nudes. She's about to give up when one day she's contac...

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New album just dropped

Wife unhappy, wedding pictures ruined

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A lady goes to the doctor for help with her sex life...

Doctor: Give your husband viagra.

Lady: I can't, he hates pills.

Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.

Next week she returns, unhappy.

Doctor: Was it good?

Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and ...

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A man wakes up

A man wakes up in a dimly lit room with three doors. On each door, there is a picture of a different type of food. The first door has a picture of eggs, second has a picture of cereal and the third has a picture of beans.

The man decides to try the first door, so he opens it. Behind it is a ...

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Mind Control

In a small town, people became increasingly unhappy with the mayor's administration. Sensing the people's disgruntlement, the mayor started to get worried about his post. He called for the council meeting to address this growing problem. The council agreed that it's mostly because people are not obe...

Once, long ago, there was an Indian princess.

She was called Princess Happybottom, but she was very unhappy. She wanted more than anything to just be a normal girl.
One day, a magician noticed her forlorn appearance, and asked how he could help. “I just want to be normal, with a normal name, and be treated like a normal person.”
“I would...

Mahatma Gandhi's sass

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “argum...

This joke was originally written in Klingon; I hope I've got the translation right...

A new prisoner named Andy arrived at the prison. Andy had never been in prison before, so everything was new and strange.

Before long he met Bob, who sort of showed him around, introduced him to a few other prisoners, and helped him start to learn the ropes.

That evening, when t...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

A man finds a magic lamp.

You know the drill, he rubs the lamp, Genie pops out and says he can have 3 wishes. “But there’s a catch”, says the Genie. “I won’t grant any of your wishes until you are done making all 3”.

“Okay”, replies the man. He knows these things can go poorly so he deliberates for a bit before respon...

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The Preacher and the Donkey

A preacher wanted to raise money for the local church and, upon hearing that there was a fortune to be found in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter himself. Unfortunately, the going price for a horse at the local auction house was too high so he ended up getting a donkey instead. He d...

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Survey About Sex and Happiness

Years ago, I did a simple survey. Basically, I was trying to determine how the frequency of sexual intercourse correlates to happiness. I went to my college campus and started observing people. I saw a woman who looked somewhat unhappy, so I asked "how often do you have sex?" and she said "once a...

The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.

The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We...

I've got one green ball in one hand and another green ball in the other.

This is one unhappy Leprechaun.

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Husband in bed.

Woman looks deeply unhappy at herself in the mirror while getting ready for bed. She exclaims, “Just look at me!..My hair is grey, wrinkles under my eyes, my boobs sag, my legs fat (GROAN!) . Husband, say something nice! Please!”

Husband: “Well, at least your eyesight is okay!”

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A doctor assembled a large auditorium of people.

He says thank you for join me today, I’m going to ask you personal questions as a group, this is for a study of mine please be honest and don’t be shy.

How many people have sex everyday? The people who raised their hands where happy good looking and seemed to be doing great in there lives....

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There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family.

There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family. His parents could afford to give him anything he wanted. Well, the boy finally graduated from preschool. So far, he had already mastered his ABC’s and could count to one hundred perfectly. He could even spell fairly well, and his reading was...

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In a small village church, the priest found a crying young woman...

She is sitting there alone all teary and sobbing. So the priest sits next to her and asks her what makes her so unhappy. The young woman replies: "I got married two years ago. I have been trying to conceive an offspring with my husband since, no success so far, though."

"Do not worry," the pr...

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A bartender asked a patron why he is so sad...

The patron replies, "sad? This is turning out to be the best day of my life." The bartender presses on however and once again asks, "if today is the best day of your life why do you look just so sad?" The patron thinks about it for a second and tells the bartender "i dunno what to tell you its a gre...

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A Female Journalist Ventures Into A Village

A female journalist ventures into a village in a faraway land, away from all modern civilization, to write a story about the people that lives there.

When she gets into the village, the villagers give her a warm welcome, tell her that she can talks to anyone and photographs anything that she ...

Three women - two from Eastern Europe, and one from America - walk into a bar.

The three of them all sit at the bar.

Suddenly, one of the women, originally from Czechoslovakia, starts ranting about her ex.

"I'm just so fed up!" she cries. "Twenty years ago, my husband left me, and I still can't get over how he used me just for my looks!"

The American wo...

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[NSFW] A man sees a woman on the beach with no arms or legs

As he passes her, she asks, "Sir, I feel so lonely, would you please give me a hug?"

The man hesitates but decides to give in and gives her a hug.

The next day the man is walking along the beach again and he sees the same woman laying in the same spot.

She sees him and says, "S...

A maid asks for a raise

A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shru...

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A frustrated middle eastern man is walking along the beach... (NSFW)

When suddenly he stubs his toe on something in the sand. He reaches down under the sand and discovers a golden lamp. He picks it up and excitedly brushes it off when suddenly a enormous genie appears.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp and I shall grant you one wish, if it is within my power."
...

Two salesmen were going door to door

Two salesmen were going door to door. They knocked on one door and a woman answered. She was extremely unhappy to see them.

She told them angrily she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. But to her surprise, the door bounced back open. She tried again and real...

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

Friend of mine just got his wife pregnant. Told him it reminded me of this joke.

This very young and innocent country girl fell madly in
love with this Greek guy and was determined to marry him.
Her mother tried hard to stop her, but when she knew she
couldn't stop her daughter, she said to her, "Listen child,
marry him and may you live happily ever after. But t...

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15 Inches

An Asian man, a black man, and a white man are sitting in a bar when a thug busts in and pulls out a gun. He demands everyone to empty their valuables into his bag or he will shoot them but no one moves. Confused, the thug asks why they aren't moving and the Asian tells him that they are all really ...

Jospehine owns a clothes shop...

...most of her customers use the shop's mail-order service but one afternoon a mail-order customer turns up at her store very unhappy:
"This dress I ordered from you is a terrible fit! The cuffs need taking in an inch and a half, and the hem needs taking up an inch!"
Embarrassed, Josephine...

The situation down south is too much

People unhappy, wanting to leave their country and come over to ours like they're entitled to it, corrupt law forces and an all around mess. As a Canadian this is too much

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A farmer has 1000 chickens.

He keeps them all in a large barn behind his house. He makes a comfortable living from selling their eggs. One day, however, the chickens' egg production drops off sharply. Days and weeks go by, and the chickens continue to lay fewer and fewer eggs. Worried for his livelihood, the farmer makes a num...

Civil war

To all of the Hillary supporters who are unhappy with the election and would like to start a civil war, just remember, you are on the side that doesn't want any guns.

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