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Thrown Jokes

My son was just thrown out of school

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

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I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...


EDIT: Holy, this blew up fast. Kind of like when the teacher gives me $20, but less sticky, ...

My mom wrote this joke: What's the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

Why do all vegetables sink when thrown in water?

The wheelchair weighs them down

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

A guy gets thrown out of a bar.

Two priests approach the guy that was thrown out. He looks at the first priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest shakes his head.

The guy looks at the second priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The second priest also shakes his head.

"Okay, let me prove it to you." The g...

Why was the Energizer Bunny thrown in jail?

Because he was charged with battery.

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Got thrown out of a strip club once

Didn’t know I wasn’t supposed throw quarters at the strippers

Who wants to be thrown out of mime class?

Make some noise!

I got thrown off of a TV commercial set a few years ago.

We were filming an ad for Taco Bell. The director didn't like being corrected. He kept saying "That's a wrap" when clearly it was a Taco Supreme.

What kind of phone gets someone thrown in a Romanian prison?

A self-own

Why did the guitarist get thrown in jail?

He was caught fingering A Minor.

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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy. It releases dopamine and reduces stress. Improves prostate gland and cardiovascular health..

Still got thrown off the bus.

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

An Old Man is thrown out of a bar

A young man who was walking down the street says "Hey Old-Timer, what happened in there". The old man looks at him and says "Well son, I am Jesus Christ". "Jesus Christ?", the young man replied skeptically. "Yes my son, follow me", the old man said as he walked into the bar.

As he enters, th...

I was thrown out of Church for suggesting Jesus had a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith

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An accountant found guilty of embezzlement was thrown into a cell with a large, hairy intimidating man

The small accountant had heard stories about how he was going to become the victim in this rough prison to which he had been sentenced. He looked up at the very hairy, sweaty, cell mate and slightly trembled.

The accountant was slightly heartened when the hulking man before him asked, "So, do...

Why was the priest thrown out of church?

He called himself “a theist”.

The Holy Bible is proven to be 100% accurate.

When thrown at a close-range, especially.

My friend claims that his dog can catch a frisbee out of the air, thats been thrown 200mtrs.

I thought that's a bit far fetched

What do you call a pencil you've just thrown out the window?

I don't know. But it's certainly not stationary.

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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessi...

Two guys keep getting thrown out of bars.

'You LUNATIC! What is that, five times now!? Whenever we're out drinking, if the bartender's got a rifle or a pistol or whatever, you try to steal it! And we both get thrown out! What is WRONG with you!?'

'Well, I'm a smart shopper.'

'WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!?'...

I got thrown out of my local car dealer today

I told them to get Miata there.

A lamb, a drum, and a snake are thrown off a cliff one day!

Baaah dummm tssssssss

A young cowboy get thrown out of a saloon Monday night.

Tuesday he returns with a dachshund under his arm.

The bartender asks “What’s with the dog?”

”Last night when I got out of hand and was thrown out I was told ‘Get a long little doggie.’”

All Americans should be educated as to what propaganda is when it’s constantly being thrown at them.

Propaganda is when a British person takes a good look at something.

How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They’re both flying information.

A forger was arrested and thrown in jail for making counterfeit money

Later, a reporter visited his cell for an interview and asked him “Why did you make counterfeit money?”

The forger thought for a while before he replied, saying “Because making real money is impossible.”

Judge: Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court.

Accused: Hahahaha

Judge: I wasn't talking to you!

I've been thrown in prison for telling dad jokes...

Turns out I wasn't authorised, as I'm not a dad.


But don't worry, I'll be seeking a pa-role.

Me [45M] and my boyfriend [18M] went out. We got nasty looks, comments and derision thrown at us all day.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

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I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

Thanos should’ve thrown his shoe off the cliff on Vormir

A sole for a soul

Why was the sick eagle thrown into prison?

It was ill-eagle.

A drunk is thrown in jail for public intoxication ...

... The next day he's brought into court and the judge says, "My good man, you've been brought here for drinking." He says, "Alright, judge, let's get started."

I got thrown out of the dentist's surgery for dancing.

I mean, he's the one who asked me to floss...

What can one catch that is not thrown?

A cold

I recently got thrown out of Home Depot for asking...

an attendant whether he had a big sized caulk.

If I ever get thrown in jail

I ain't finishing my sent-

A collector of rare books ran into a friend who told him he had just thrown out an old Bible that he had found in a dusty old box.

The collector's friend mentioned that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed the Bible.

"You don't mean Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You fool! You've thrown out one of the first books ever printed! A copy was recently auctioned off for hundreds of thousand...

I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height…

Apparently, they didn’t like my critter sizing.

Mahatma Gandhi was once thrown out of an Indian bakery. Not surprising really . . .

He was widely known for being naan-violent.

A man was riding the train across the country when suddenly everything started rocking violently.

People were being thrown out of their seats and luggage was flying everywhere. Then, as suddenly as it started, everything is back to the calm, smooth ride he was used to. Everyone sorted themselves out and found seats again.

When they reach the next stop, the man went forward to the engine c...

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The principal at my school called me in to his office today. He said "I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?"

No, I'm irresponsible. That's why I threw it.

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over. the Naked girl was thrown c...

What do you call a hand grenade that was thrown into a french kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart

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Did you hear Snow White got thrown out of Disney Land?

They caught her sitting on Pinocchio's Face yelling "Lie you little fucker

How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?

They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.

What scale does a piano play when thrown down a mineshaft?

A flat minor

2 drums and a cymbal were thrown off the cliff.

*Bud dum ting*

I got thrown out of the ophthalmologist's office today for singing the YMCA.

Turns out you aren't supposed to help people during the eye chart test.

Why did the Christmas tree get thrown in prison?

Treeson.

What do you call it when a cardigan is thrown away

A discardigan

I've just been thrown out by security and told never to return to the hospital again.

It turns out the Stroke Unit isn't what I thought it was.

A elastic band is thrown into a torture chamber,

A man comes up to him grabs him and stretches the elastic band out until he is just about to break,

The man stares the rubber band in the eyes,
“You have so much potential”

(Made this one myself, thank you.)

I got thrown out of the amputee club for having all of my limbs

In my opinion that was an unfair dismemberment

Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail?

Because he was a mass murderer

What's the difference between a toddler and a Capitol Rioter?

Toddlers have more teeth, smell better, and have thrown tantrums for more justified reasons.

What did Jimi Hendrix say when he was thrown into prison?

There must be some kinda way outta here.

How did the branch feel when it was thrown into a machine?

Chipper

What sound is made by a piano thrown down mining shaft?

A flat miner.

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Sam got thrown out a Strip club for using monopoly money.

Sam's logic - Why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.

What do you call a book that was thrown on the floor?

Litter-ature

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When I got home yesterday I saw my girlfriend had thrown all my stuff onto the front lawn.

I asked her what she doing and she said "I saw your browser history! Get out of my life you paedophile!"

I thought this was absolutely crazy!

When the fuck did they start teaching words like "paedophile" to eight year-olds?

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I got ridiculed, insulted, and thrown out for coming out of the closet.

That’s the last time I masturbate at IKEA.

I didn't understand the joke about the thrown ball

but then it hit me.

What did the old processor say when it was thrown away?

"that megahertz"

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French...

Why was Gandhi thrown out of the orchestra?

He rejected the violins.

A phone gets thrown into a jail cell

His cell mate looks at him and asks "what are you being charged with?"

The phone looks smugly at his cell mate and replies "Battery"

Did you hear about the computer that was thrown into the ocean?

It was a Dell rolling in the deep.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

She ran away from the ball

What do you get when you mix human DNA with whale DNA?

Thrown out of the aquarium

Got thrown out of the furniture shop

I got thrown out of a furniture shop today. I think the girl at the counter misunderstood when I said I wanted one nightstand.

I was thrown out of school because my boyfriend filled out my application.

They said I didn't apply myself

My short lived lawsuit against the airport baggage claim was thrown out

They made another brief case disappear

The doors are thrown open in a Wild West saloon. The pianist stops playing and everyone turns and looks. In the door is a three legged dog who walks in and says:

I'm looking for the man who shot my paw

In basketball, what is it called when you lose due to a wildly thrown buzzer-beater?

Defeat-us by yeetus

What gaming projectile was thrown by John Barrowman’s “Doctor Who” character to pass the time while he was traveling along the Congo River?

The Dart of Harkness.

Over 600 thousand watches are thrown away each year

I guess you could call it a waste of time.

The 7 Dwarfs were thrown out of a bar.

They don't serve miners.

I was thrown out of my cloning exam

for copying the kid next to me.

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I got thrown out of an exam for masturbating

I'll never be able to look my urologist in the eye again.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on a metaphysics exam;

I looked into the soul of the guy sitting next to me.

Donald Trump was thrown out of an elite party!

The event was described as unpresidented.

A cow with no voice is thrown into a black hole

An immoovable object meets an unstoppable force.

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The other day, I got thrown through a window with no glass.

It was pane-less.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Pole were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison.

However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years, but I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away."

The Englishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer....

Why did the dyslexic man get thrown out of the Texas Republican rally?

TAXES!!!

My father has had clocks thrown at him all his life.

Though he's in a great deal of pain, it's nice that he's stood the test of time.

Ben and Tim want to go drink in a bar (NSFW)

Problem is, they have no money. "No problem" says Ben, "I have a cunning plan. Take this sausage and put it in your boxer. We go into the bar, drink a couple of beer and when they come with the tab you open your pant and let the sausage out. I go down on it and they will kick us out and we won't hav...

What item can get you thrown off of a United Airlines flight?

A Ticket

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Why was the Water's sexual assault case against the Oil thrown out of court?

All of the physical evidence was immiscible.

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. For this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: “You rest here while I register – I’ll be back within an hour.”

So, his wife lies down on the bed…and just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor....

If I was cut in half and thrown out of a plane, You could say...

I'm falling two pieces.

Got thrown out of the theatre during the Superman movie...

... but I was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

What did the OCD man get thrown in jail for?

Organized crime.

That old woman in a fake fur coat who had ink thrown on her really had it coming!

Does she even know how many innocent fauxes have been murdered to make that coat?

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Yesterday evening, a friend of mine was thrown out by his girlfriend because he measured his penis.

For protocol, it goes to the throat of her sister.

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