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Throw Away Jokes

Why did the astronaut throw away his vegetarian burger?

He wanted something *meteor*.

Why did Sean Connery throw away his zucchini?

Courgette was rotten

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Why did the blacksmith throw away his furnace......

Because It Smelt like shit!

I need to throw away my knee brace.

It’s on its last leg.

My house is a stone's throw away from the bus stop.

It's the one with broken windows.

I grew up just a stone's throw away...

From where that family mysteriously got all those head injuries.

What do you call it when you throw away an old person but they return?

Boomerang.

Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?

**They were past their hexpiration date!**

*I'm so sorry. My 8yo kid asked me to make up a joke and it's SO HARD to craft a joke that's kid-appropriate.*

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Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The secon...

Finally decided to throw away my favourite pair of socks

but then i got cold feet

Trash bags are something you buy to throw away.

They seem waste-full.

Before moving into the new house, my wife insisted that I throw away stuff that "Don't spark joy"...

I divorced the hag right away

Whenever I get a stack of job applications, I always choose half at random to throw away.

After all, I can’t have unlucky people working for me.

Why did the Polish guy throw away his food stamps?

They tasted terrible

Why did the chess player throw away his bread?

Because it was stalemate

I had to throw away almost every strainer in my kitchen.

Colander: There can be only one.

When you throw away your receipt before leaving Costco

You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave

Why did the best golfer in the world throw away his golf shoes ...

Because he got a hole in one.

My neighbour is in the the GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.

Moscow newspapers

In Moscow, an old grandmother goes to the newspaper store, buys a newspaper, glances at it briefly, and immediately throws it away. The next day, the grandmother goes to the store again, buys a newspaper, looks at it briefly, and immediately throws it away. So it goes day in and day out, one morning...

Music is like candy.

It's all pretty sweet you just need to throw away the wrappers..

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Two blonde builders were working on a house.

One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blon...

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I think it's time I throw away my fleshlight

My masturbation is getting a little out of hand.

An employee’s only job was to throw away M&M’s that weren’t perfect. His boss came to check on him, and found he had thrown away almost half of the M&M’s. When asked why, the employee replied...

“A lot of them had W’s instead of M’s, so I threw them out.”

Everyone has heard of the King David Hotel in Jerusalem...

...but nobody has heard of the Goliath Hotel, even though it is much larger and only a stone's throw away.

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An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex

English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!"

French Woman: And so what? Does it work?

English Woman: If it works? My...

With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on 50 and toss the rest.

“Throw away 250 resumes?” I asked, shocked. “What if the best candidates are in there?”

He thought for a moment and said, *“You have a point but then again, I don’t need people with bad luck around here.”*

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A Russian, Mexican, and a Texan...

Are all walking along a river. The Russian takes out a bottle of vodka, takes a small swig then throws the the rest in the river.

The Mexican exclaims, "Why would you just throw away a good bottle of vodka?!"

The Russian replies, "In the Mother Land, we have too much vodka. It's not bi...

A Mexican, an American, and a Chinese are in a plane.

A Mexican man, an American man, and a Chinese man are in a plane. All of a sudden the plane starts to go down because there is too much weight. The 3 men decide to throw away some of the things in the plane. They each throw away things that there are lots of in their country. The Chinese man say "I ...

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Why is it so easy to find a prostitute in Islamic countries?

They're always just a stone's throw away.

A Russian, an American and a Vietnamese were on a private plane together.

At 10,000 feet, the plane started encountering some problems and the pilot announced: "Gentlemen, I'm afraid we are running out of fuel, we will need to throw our baggage away to reduce the weight if we wish to land safely!"

He then opened the door and asked the passengers to begin letting go...

The devil appears before a new lawyer, offering him a wish in exchange for his soul.

The lawyer, enthusiastically and without hesitation, wishes to be made “the best damn lawyer the us justice system has ever seen.” Surprised at the enthusiasm, the devil asks why he seemed so excited to throw away his soul for success in this life. The lawyer simply replies:

“If I’m going t...

How do you fit an Elephant in a refrigerator ?

Open the door, shove in the Elephant, close the door.


*How do you fit a Giraffe in a refrigerator?*

Open the door, take out the Elephant, shove in the Giraffe, close the door.


*A plane has 20 bricks on the right hand side and 21 bricks on the left side. How do you balanc...

World record neighbour

My neighbour has proudly informed me that he has made the world record books.. for having the most concussions ever recorded... 147.

I was happy for him, after all he is a close neighbour, only living a stones throw away...

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