Toss Jokes - 101 Hilarious Toss Jokes

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks...

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.

Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped do...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans?

>!Because Australia won the coin toss!<

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

Obama, Trump, and Bush were tossing around a football

On one pass, Trump throws the ball too far and it gets punctured on top of the White House fence.

Bush and Obama yell at Trump, saying he always manages to lose or destroy the football.

After a few minutes of angry stares, a Secret Service agent goes to Trump. He gives him another foo...

My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard...

It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

What do you get when you toss two drums and a cymbal over a cliff?

Ba-dum-tish

I tossed a yield sign into a tornado once.

Guess I was throwing caution to the wind.

A man is tossed off an ocean liner and ends up on a desert island..

There are 2 other men who were living on the island so the man pitched a house and stayed waiting to be rescued. After 2 weeks, the other 2 men go and take a bath in the springs, shave their faces with cut glass and comb the rats out of their hair. The new man asks, "*what are you doing that for?*" ...

What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?

They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.

What do you say about the coins you toss into a wishing well?

Money well spent

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

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Last night, I tossed and turned as I had a dream that a giant grizzly bear ate me and I passed through its entire digestive tract.

I woke up feeling pooped.

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A rich man died and left $2 million each to a rabbi, a priest, and an imam

He stipulated in his will that half the money must be buried with him in the grave.

At his funeral, the priest gets up, gives a short speech, and tosses $1 million into the grave.

The imam gets up, says a few words, and drops $1 million into the open grave.

Finally, the rabbi ge...

A man in Moscow goes up to a newsstand and buys a newspaper…

He then glances at the front page, then turns aside and tosses the whole newspaper straight into the trash.

Next day, he turns up, and does the same thing. Buys it, glances at the front page, throws it in the trash.

Next day, same thing. The newsstand worker is increasingly puzzled, bu...

A guy is tossing peanuts in the air...

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth and his wife asks him a question. He turns to answer her question and the peanut he just tossed lands in his ear and gets stuck.

He and his wife spend a short period of time trying to get it out and decide maybe they should...

Coin toss

Little Johnny : I was feeling so sleepy this morning that I tossed a coin to decide whether I should attend class or go back to bed.

His Friend : So, what did you finally do?

Little Johnny : I had to toss 10 times before I could finally go back to bed.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

What's black and white? And doesnt give a toss?

A Nun......................

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I heard they are looking for a virgin to toss in to a volcano to appease 2020.

Do any of my fellow redditors want to volunteer?

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggl...

With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on 50 and toss the rest.

“Throw away 250 resumes?” I asked, shocked. “What if the best candidates are in there?”

He thought for a moment and said, *“You have a point but then again, I don’t need people with bad luck around here.”*

I tossed and turned as I heard metallic sounds coming from the next bedroom.

It was a restless knight.

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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French...

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarians desk and says, "Buk", so she gives him a book. A couple minutes later the chicken returns. "Buk", he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.

Finally it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk" says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit" replies the frog...

A storm-tossed ship was about to go under

The captain shouted to the crew, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."

"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

What did the athlete say after a perfect hammer toss?

"Nailed it."

A young couple, just married, were...

in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big, burly man, tossed his pants to the bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on, but they were way too big.

"I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right,"...

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

Walking through the woods……..

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how l...

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If I go into my attic, stand on a chair, toss my dick up over a rafter, then tie it around my neck. Then kick the chair out from under me.

Am I Hanged, or Hung?

Every time I toss five coins, they would come up on the same face.

Must be a coin-cidence.

What sound did the Boeing CEO make when he was tossed out of his office?

*BOEING*

I tossed a quarter at my girlfriend...

"Ouch, that hit me in the head!"

I look back and reply, "good, maybe that'll knock some cents into you"

I'll see myself out.

I just found out that my Grief Counselor died

Luckily, he was so good at his job, I don't really give a toss

What did the Gen Z baker yell when he tossed the dough?

YEEST

What do you get when you toss a grenade in a French kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart

Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live

*Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.*

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I ...

I found this big hammer laying around in Norway so I've been tossing it around.

Boy am I Thor.

A pirates first day

It's a pirate's first day on a new ship. While swabbing the deck, he is approached by the captain. The captain is a weathered, veteran sailer and has three of the iconic pirate maladies- a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.

The new pirate asks the captain how he got the peg leg....

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack sc...

Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

A Knife Juggler

A man was pulled over by a police officer.

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them...

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So, there was this accordion player who just finished his 4th bar mitzvah of the week. He tossed his accordion in the back of his '92 Geo Metro hatchback and took off for home.

As he drove, he rolled the windows down (with a manual handcrank) because his air conditioning was broken.

He tried to play his favorite cassette tape, Polka Floyd, but the music screetched to a halt as the tape from the cassette got hopelessly tangled in the tape deck.

More than a li...

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

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Two blondes at a construction site

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.

Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,

\- "Why a...

A deranged man was tossing a brick off of the interstate overpass

He had the brick tied to a rope which he was using to toss at cars, then reel back in, to toss at more cars.

Police surrounded him, telling him to drop the brick. As they started moving in, he tossed the brick again, aiming right at a semi.

The brick crashed through the windshield, ca...

I tossed my friend Sierra a can of pop

Sierra Mist

A tale of <insert dumb people>.

Pick whichever dumb people group you like, I'll just call them Pakleds (bonus points if you get the reference).

‐‐-----------

Two Pakleds are building a house, each taking one side and nailing panels to the framework. After a while the first Pakled goes to check on the second Pakled. T...

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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says...

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder and a...

I tossed my wife into a well, but then I thought this was too harsh and threw her smartphone after her.

So she can now enjoy digital well-being

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Guy walks into a hotel

A few years back, a feeder tournament for the World Series of Poker has attracted a lot of people to the town where it is being held, and every hotel in town is sold out. A guy without a reservation walks in and asks for a room. The desk clerk tells him “Sorry, but there are no rooms available. Due ...

Sarah and Isaac were lying in bed one night. Isaac was tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Sarah asks him "Isaac, Isaac, why do you fret so? " to which Isaac replies "Oy vey, Sarah, you know that 20 kopeks I owe Ishmael across the way? Well, I have no idea how I will repay him!"

Sarah nods her head, gets out of bed, throws open the window and yells for Ishmael "Ishmael! Ishmael! Wake up!"
Ishmael opens the window and cries "Sarah, what is the matter? It is the middle of the night!"
Sarah replies "Ishmael, you know that 20 kopeks my husband owes you?" He replie...

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the desk and says "buk".

So the librarian gives the chicken a book. The chicken walks outside with the book and comes back 5 minutes later without the book.

"Buk, buk" says the chicken again, so the librarian gives it another book, it walks outside and returns with no book.

"Buk, buk" it says, and the same ...

Joe, why haven't you tossed your hat in the ring for the presidential election?

I'm Biden my time.

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

Today I saved a man drowning in the river

I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore

Source: University Daytime Janitor

A man buys a parrot and brings him home.

But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at h...

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A Russian is digging around an old battlefield.

He occasionally finds bits of metal worth scrapping, or something interesting enough to keep. Today, he finds a small clump of smooth metal, only a few inches wide. He tosses it from hand to hand, appreciating the way the morning light glares against the surface of the metal. The man wonders if ther...

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.

“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.

“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.

So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and ...

A couple not-so-bright carpenters are framing a house.

Worker A notices worker B is wasting a lot of nails. He’ll pull one out, hammer it in, pull another and toss it, toss another, then hammer one in. And this goes on for a bit.

Worker A says to worker B, “hey, how come you keep tossing dem nails?”

Worker B responds, “they’re defective;...

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A construction foreman is interviewing three guys for a job.

He asks the first guy, "Can you take this hammer, throw it in the air, and catch it in your tool belt?"

The first guy says "I sure can!" and tosses the hammer 6 feet in the air. He catches it behind him right in his tool belt.

The foreman nods his head, and says to the second guy, "...

A 50-year old woman is very pleased with her new facelift. (Long)

She goes to the bank and steps up to the counter. She asks the teller, "How old do you think I am?"

The teller looks her up and down and guesses 35.

"Nope, 50!" she says, and goes to Subway for lunch.

She asks the sandwich artist behind the counter, "How old do you think I am?"<...

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Wife walks up to husband, takes off her pants and says, "Make me feel like a woman"

Husband takes off his pants, tosses it to his wife and says, "That needs a wash."

~~Edit: I had a feeling butthurt people will be coming in shortly. Bring on the downvotes!~~

Edit #2: I didn't realize that my joke would garner such a decent amount of upvotes. I was honestly confident t...

A blonde and a brunette are talking about what to do when their children misbehave during Christmas The brunette says : "I wrap empty cardboard boxes and when a child acts up I toss one into the fireplace."

And then the blonde says : "What do you do when you run out of children?"

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over he asks if she had a good time. She replied “yes that was fun, but I don’t understand why they do all of that for 25 cents”. The man, puzzled, asks “what do you mean?” To which the blonde replied “well the game started with...

A CIA Agent, KGB spy and AISE operative were sent to infiltrate a terrorist cell.

The terrorists figured out the three were infiltrators and thus captured them.

The terrorists decided to torture the three infiltrators. They started with the CIA agent.

“Do not worry, for I have been trained in the United State’s most insidious enhanced interrogation techniques and h...

A Republican, a Democrat, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car when a tornado picks up the car and tosses them miles into the air.

When the car finally comes back down, the three men realize they’ve been transported to Oz.

“I’m going to ask the Wizard for a brain,” says the Democrat.

“I’m going to ask him for a heart,” says the Republican.

Bill Clinton looks around and asks the two m...

I'll never forget my Dad's final words

"Son, toss me that hatchet"

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The night Lorena Bobbit severed her husband's penis, she drove a distance then tossed the 'apendage' out of her car window, striking the windshield of a vehicle driving in the opposite direction.

"Christ! Did you see the size of that bug?" To which the passenger replied, "No, but damn, it had an enormous dick!"

Fibonacci’s day at the fair

One day Fibonacci goes to the fair with his friends: Ms.One, Mr.Five, and Dr.Twenty.

While Fibonacci perused the fairgrounds, his friends decided to enjoy a variety of different competitions and games.

Ms.One thought to try her hand at the ring toss and ball throwing games. S...

Old Russian man buys a newspaper.

He looks at the front page, and tosses it away. The next day, he buys a newspaper, looks at the front page, then tosses it away. The 3rd day in a row, he buys a newspaper looks at the front page, and again, tosses it away. This time the newspaper stand attendant asks him why he tossed the newspaper ...

I went to an Irish pub for the first time.

It was St. Patrick's Day and they were having an all-day happy hour. Half-price Guinness all day. Who could resist?

So I walk in, and I hear a lot of conversations around me, and I notice pretty much all of the people in there are Irish. Well, I don't wanna stick out like a sore thumb, so I d...

A couple of banjo jokes

Q: What's perfect pitch?

A: Tossing a banjo into a dumpster and not hitting the sides.

Q: What's the difference between a busload of banjo players and a busload of frogs?

A: More likely than not, the busload of frogs is going to a gig.

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My uncle died by overdosing on Viagra.

Since there was no will, the inheritance was decided by a ring toss competition.

A snail walks into a bar and the bar tender says "We dont serve your kind here!" Then tosses him out the door. 2 weeks later the snail comes back...

And says "Hey what was that for?"

A priest, a rabbi and a minister

A priest, a rabbi and a minister are in a bar…

Talk get around to how they handle their respective donations from the collection plates.

“Well,” says the priest, “to be fair, I draw a chalk circle on the floor, and toss all the money in the air. What falls inside the circle goes to the...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

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It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

A pothead and a leper are in jail

and suddenly lepers' right foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He takes it and tosses it through their cell window.

The pothead is looking at the leper and lights up a joint.

Suddenly lepers' left foot starts to itch. He scratches it against ...

Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.

“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.”

A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?”

Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out ...

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

I Germans and an Italian

At the end of WW2, as the Allies were starting to win, there were 3 prisoners of war held together in a cell. Two were German officers and one an Italian soldier. The men were to be held for questioning.
The first day the Allied soldiers took the first German in to be questioned. The guards sit...

The number of readers this book hit hard wasn’t surprising…

That’s just what happens when you toss out free braille.

Girls night out

Two young married women were having a girls night out on the town. Walking home from the bar they both realized they needed to pee. They saw a cemetary across the street and decided to go behind the headstones. Having nothing to wipe with, the first girl takes off her panties, wipes, then tosses the...

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Bros, friends, amigos... If she gives you this for her address, just go ahead and move on. Toss that cocktail napkin away. Move on. THere's other fish in the sea. (feel free to add to the list)

• Drinkand Dr.

• Vicious Circle

• West 943,185th Street

• Psycho Path

• Peoples Ct.

• Nofriggin Way

Two men are walking through the forest when they stumble upon a large sinkhole.

Guy says, "Woah! This thing looks deep; how deep down do you think it goes?" The two men search around for a long stick or branch to assess the depth, but find nothing of use. They continue their search and they stumble across an old, rusty anvil; and naturally, they haul the anvil over and toss it ...

A teenage boy shows up to take his new girlfriend on a date

He arrives to her house and is greeted by her at the door. Her father is sitting in the chair in the den, and when he comes in to introduce himself, the father calmly gets up, reaches into his pocket, and tosses him something underhanded, and says ‘catch’.

The boy looks at it and realizes it’...

An old lady asks God for help.

In the highlands of Scotland lives an elderly lady in a house outside a small village. A harsh winter is coming and the lady is very worried she can’t pay the gas bill that winter. With no family left, she turns to God and she decides to write him a letter.

“Dear God,
In your endless merc...

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A zookeeper walks into a bar

A zookeeper walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Damn it's been a hell of a day. Some idiot visitor tossed a cigarette lighter into the monkey cage. We had a hell of a time getting it away from them. Every time we went near the cage they'd start throwing feces at us, which wasn't that bad, til they ...

I used to have a hard time picking up girls before I started working out

Now I can toss them in the back of my van no problem.

Two men in the woods

These 2 guys are out walking through the woods, they come upon a clearing with a big hole in the middle of it. The first guy says to the second "I wonder how deep this hole is" "I don't know, let's find something to toss in here and see if we can hear it hit the bottom", says the second. So they go ...

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