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A young man gets chatting to an old stranger at a bar. The old man strokes the bar and says, “I built this bar with my own hands”.

“I took the oak, I laminated it, turned it into planks, sanded it down and finished it. Am I known as “The old man who builds bars”? No.”

The old man stands up, “Come outside, young man.”
“Look at this stone wall. I built it with my bare hands. I collected the stones, stacked them up, and ...

The doctor said I was at a high risk for having a stroke

Hpoe I ok wikl be fnie

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If you stroked Pinnocio's girlfriend's boobs...

It would give you splinters, wooden tit?

My swimming teacher asked me what my favourite stroke was

I replied "the one that finished off Thatcher".

Old McDonald had a stroke

I E O E I

Don’t worry if you have a stroke because you are going to be all right

Or all left

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I walked in on my grandfather having a stroke...

Dirty old man watches way too much porn.

If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the re...

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

What do you call the place where you have a chance to get a stroke?

The clottery

Whenever I meet a new girl things go great until they find out about my lettuce fetish. I like to stroke and kiss and cuddle those beautiful leafy heads of green.

Every time when they find out they refuse to join in and then they leave.

I guess I’m fated to forever romaine alone.

What's an Irish swimmer's favorite stroke?

Margaret Thatcher's.

If you're ever having a stroke just remember that you'll be....

.....All-Right

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...

I just got a hand-job from a Leprechaun

It was a real stroke of luck to be sure

A joke I made on the spot to my piano teacher

Me: Hey, so by the way, I’m not going to be able to come to practice April 4th, I got a robotics meeting that day (I actually did have that, this wasn’t just added in for me to make the joke)

Piano teacher: Alright, no problem, let me just write that down.

Me, in a stroke of genius: I ...

Two old ladies...

are sitting on a park bench. A guy comes up wearing nothing but a long coat. Suddenly he opens the coat and flashes them. One old lady had a stroke, the other? Eh... she couldn't really reach that far.

I recently watched a documentary on stroke victims.

It was a bit one-sided.

Did you hear about the guy who finished a game of golf with a single stroke?

His heart stopped and he died.

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i knew this one guy who is allergic to masturbation.



last I heard he died from a stroke.

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Three nuns were sitting on a bench in the park when a man walked past with his cock out ... two of them had a stroke

The third one couldn't reach

Why do middle age men like golf

They're good at finishing in few strokes

What do you do in case of fallout?

Put it back in and take shorter strokes....

There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.

"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.

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Are my testicles black?

Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth "Nurse" he mumbles "Are my testicles black ?" She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She strokes them very slowly . Then she takes a closer look and says "There's nothing wrong with them". The man pulls ...

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in ...

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So Doctor, you're saying I can masturbate whenever I want to?

No David, I said you can have a stroke at any time.

My girlfriend gave me a handjob in the sauna.

I got a heat stroke.

Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.

The genie grants each of them one wish.


The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.


The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.


The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.

Once in a small town, a man got a paralysis attack.

The doctor said he could possibly be bedridden for a long time. The expenses of the hospitalization put him and his wife in a bit of tension. Their son still had his entire life left in front of him. The son also looked very sad and scared.

The doctor, sympathized, and gave the son a lotto ti...

I got fired for having a stroke at my desk in work.

Outrageous! I didn't even get to climax.

And elderly man was taken to the ER after having a massive stroke...

The ER physician told the family that he was alive but unfortunately brain-dead.

"Oh, God," cried his elderly wife, "We've never had a Liberal in the family before!"

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

Why do old people love golf?

It’s all about getting the least strokes

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought ...

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A blonde was at home getting dinner ready...

Her husband walks in and says,"Hi honey I'm home.By the way,there were these three blondes,right?And they were walking down the...

"Wait a minute,stop right there."she interrupts."This isn't another dumb blonde joke is it?"

He replies,"Well,yes it is.Anyhow,they were...

She aga...

Three Old Ladies...

Three old ladies sitting on a park bench , A man walks up to them, opens his overcoat, is naked underneath. He jiggles his goods for them.

The first lady upon seeing the obscene gesture had a stroke.

The second lady upon seeing the obscene gesture had a stroke.

The third lady...

What do you call Einstein getting a hand job?

A stroke of genius.

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[NSFW] [Long] Three men are stranded in the middle of the desert. Each one of them is starving, thirsty, and desperate to get home...

As they trudge through the endless desert, one of them spots a small cottage in the distance with scrap metal and junk all around it. He told the others and they all thought it was just a mirage. But as they drew near the cottage, they learned that it was very real.

They all get excited. C...

I’d love it if my friend could have multiple strokes

Playing against his constant hole-in-one shots makes me want to quit golf.

Three old ladies are sitting in the park feeding the pigeons.

All of a sudden a large man jumps in front of the trio, pulls open his trench coat and flashes his manhood.

The first old lady immediately has a stroke. The second old lady also had a stroke but the third old lady's arms were too short to reach.

Today I went to the fertility clinic for a test...

...I asked the doctor, "How did I perform on the test?"

He said, "It was a stroke of genius!"

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There was once a scientist who found he could raise his IQ by masterbaiting

It was a stroke of genius

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How did the chronic masturbator die?

He had one too many strokes.

Its crazy how some people die after having a stroke, but others just lose a bodily function and are otherwise okay..

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

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A newspaper boy knocks on a woman's door to collect his money

The woman answers the door wearing a very sheer negligee. He asks for his two dollars and she says she has no cash on her, but maybe they can work something out.

The newspaper boy sighs and unzips his pants to reveal an 9 inch cock. They get down to business but the newspaper boy is only pu...

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My grandma caught me masturbating and she had a stroke...

She has such soft hands...

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After suffering a stroke, a man was dragged into hospital by an ambulance

On the way to his ward, he passed a room where a man was vigorously jacking off; he asked the nurse "what's he doing?".



The nurse replied" he has a condition where he gets severe pain if he does not masturbate every 15 minutes"




"Oh, my bad."



Later ...

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What do you call masturbating in the summer?

A heat stroke.

Charlie Sheen's a fantastic swimmer!

His breast stroke's impeccable

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I named my penis Genius

So when people ask me what I did last night, I can tell them I had a stroke of Genius

A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.

They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hund...

Top golfers are the worst lovers...

...two-three strokes and they're done!

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A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

Damn, are you a 4 stroke engine?

Because I want you to suck me, squeeze me, bang me and blow me

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Did you hear about the chronic masturbater that was hospitalized?

Reports say it was because of too many strokes

What are swimmers afraid of dying from?

A bad stroke.

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The Farmer's New Addition

There once was a farmer who owned luscious pastures. He proudly looked over them everyday. He always took care of all of his animals.

Though one day he had brought in a new foal, a chestnut coloured one, that he thought was adorable.

He got him on the farm but the foal looked nervous ...

Why did everyone in the Apple store die of heat stroke

They didn't want to install windows

The Princess and the Frog [long]

A beautiful princess had a shiny gold ball that was her prize possession. She would take it with her wherever she would go, gently throwing it in the air while she sang. One day she dropped the ball and it rolled down a hill and into a large pond. The princess ran to the pond and started to cry w...

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I went to a prostitute and asked what her rate was for handjobs

She told me about ten strokes per second

I think it Hertz

Two engineering students appear for Viva voce

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test. The first student's turn comes,

External Examiner:- Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student 1:- I will open the window.

External Examiner:- Great, now suppose t...

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City.

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City. The director knows that the only chance of success is if he gets a very famous lead actor, so he pulls every connection he possibly can, and by a stroke of luck, he gets Jim Carrey to star the film!

The film crew creates...

Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity...

The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end.

In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited...

At least my massive stroke wasn’t all bad news.

My poker playing has improved by about 50%.

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Got some great news today!

My doctor has encouraged me to masturbate more often!!!

Well, he actually told me I could have a stroke any time...

My grandfather had a stroke this week..

He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.

Did you hear about the blonde who lost the breast stroke swimming event

She got all mad and accused the others of cheating because they where using their hands

What did my grandpa say before he kicked the bucket?

“Look how far I can kick this bucket?”

Then he had a stroke

Last night I witnessed my dad having a stroke

I really wish he would lock the door when he does that.

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A Conservative Brit, a Conservative American, a Liberal American, and a Liberal Brit were at a pool

The Conservative Brit says: “Hey, what’s everyone’s favorite stroke? Mine is the freestyle because it’s free like how I like trading to be”

The Conservative American says “I like the backstroke because I want things to go back to how they were in the old times”

The Liberal American say...

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An Irish swimmer, A British swimmer and an American swimmer were at the Olympics

The American asks

"What's your favourite stroke?
"Mines the butterfly"

The British swimmer says

"The backstroke"

The Irish swimmer says

"Margaret Thatcher's"

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A Japanese sword master is demonstrating a new move to his students.

"There is fly in room", he says, "I will now put on blindfold and slash it with sword".

As his students watch on, he suddenly performs one swift stroke of his blade, takes off his blindfold and bows to his students.

"I'm confused", says one of his students, "Fly is still buzzing around...

An elderly man had a massive stroke and his family drove him to the hospital.

After a while, the doctor appeared wearing a long face.

Doctor: ”I’m afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”

"Oh dear God," cried his wife, “we’ve never had a liberal in the family before!"

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What do you call it if the Marlboro man dies of a cerebrovascular accident during sex?

A Lucky Stroke

A golden opportunity

Just happend today
My teacher told our class that half of you are sleeping, half of you are talking and half of you are texting.

I wanted to say "ma'am you made a good choice choosing humanities maths wasn't your field."

But damn i missed the teacher had a stroke.
Damn that gold...

My grandmother had a stroke last night.

"Call me an ambulance!" she screamed.

"You're an ambulance, Grandma" I said, and then I left. It felt good to help.

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Last night I was having a stroke and yelled for my wife to come and help me.

She said "Put your dick away, the kids are still up!"

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Last year my father had a major stroke.

I walked into his room and was mortified as I saw him froth and violently convulse. His personality changed dramatically, he was never the same after being caught masturbating.

Roses are 6, yellow is a number

I’m having a stroke, call a cucumber

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[NSFW] Three men get lost in a city.

Not knowing what else they could do, they decide to book rooms for the night at the closest hotel. They ask the receptionist for any available rooms they could rent, and the receptionist informs them that there was only one room with a queen-sized bed left for them.

The men decide that bunki...

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A woman is in a car crash and is in a coma in hospital

Days, then weeks, then months go by with no sign of life or improvement. They were at a loss and running out of ideas.

One day a nurse was in the room changing the lady's bedding and accidentally touched the woman's thigh. The nurse noticed that the woman's eyes flickered very slightly, so sh...

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Did you hear the one about the guy who died watching porn?

Cardiac Arrest Mid-Stroke

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