The 79+ Best Stroke Jokes

If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checki...

My swimmer friend asked me “what’s your favorite stroke?”

Apparently the one that killed Margaret Thatcher wasn’t an answer

2 nuns were sitting on a park bench when a guy came running through and flashed them. One of the nuns had a stroke...

The other one couldn't reach.

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My Grandma saw me masturbating and had a stroke.

I couldn't believe how soft her hands were.

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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

The Doctor tells me I can play with myself whenever I like

My wife tells me that's not what 'You could have a stroke at any moment ' means

My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night.

She said it was disgusting to let my grandma touch me like that.

My doctor said I might have a stroke at any time.

Boy are my arms tired

I just had a stroke

I’m all right

My friend just had a stroke...

He's all-right now.

Sad news but a good friend of mine just had a stroke. He says he lost functionality of the left side his body.

When I called to ask how he’s doing he said “I guess I’m all right now.”

My grandfather had a stroke this week..

He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.

My swimming instructor asked, "What's your favourite stroke?"

I said it was the one that finished off my mother-in-law.

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher revealed himself to them.

The first old lady had a stroke.

The second old lady had a stroke.

The third old lady couldn't reach far enough.

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The...

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Stroke of Genius

A deaf newlywed couple are on their honeymoon about to consummate their marriage. They get in bed and turn the lights out. Seconds later the wife turns her bedside lamp on.
Wife: Honey, we need a way of communicating in the dark.
Husband: You're right. Suggestions?
Wife:Ok. If you want sex...

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How do you know if you've had a minor stroke ?

You have jizz in your belly button.

How do you know if you've had a major stroke?

You have jizz on the ceiling.

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

I once had a stroke

Thank god it was the onlajsbsiabhs

My grandmother has had 3 strokes this year…

At this rate she’ll never finish this handjob.

A man has his mother-in-law move in with him when she lost her job.

About a week later, he returns home from his job and finds her laying on the floor, unconscious. He calls 911, the ambulance comes and takes her off to the hospital.

He calls his wife and tells her she may have to cut her business trip short, but he'll keep her posted.

He gets to the ...

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(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

Ol mcdonald had a stroke

I-E-O-I-AAAAAAAAAAAA

Did you know that when a shark has a stroke...

it can smell toast from up to fifty miles away?

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My new doctor asked me if there was a history of stroke in my family and I told him no.

However, I told him that my wife's family were all a bunch of wankers.

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My cousin died while masturbating.

Apparently he had a fatal stroke.

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How does Gordon Ramsays family know he's having a stroke?

The toast is fuckin' burnt

Two old ladies were talking on a park bench when a guy in a trench coat came by and exposed himself. One old lady had a stroke!

The other couldn’t reach it.

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Brushing your teeth properly is like good sex. Longer than 30 seconds, good stroke technique

and there shouldn’t be any blood afterwards.

Stroke Play

A teenager, his father, and his grandfather play golf together every weekend. One day they get paired up with someone different. They ask who it is and the manager tells them, “you’ll find out on the first tee”.

The group gets to the first tee and finds the most beautiful woman they’ve ever s...

If you start to smell burning toast you’re having a stroke

or overcooking your toast

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Beware of penalty strokes

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off, and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out...

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method ...

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

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Why did the pirate stroke lumber?

His captain told him to "cum a board"

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

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A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won $1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

The executioner decapitated the man in a single stroke, and then hacked him into pieces.

Almost a flawless execution, but then he butchered it.

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A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

my doctor told me i can have a stroke at any time.

take that r/nofap !

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...

What did the person who found Stalin dead after suffering from a stroke say?

That’s gonna leave a Marx

At least my massive stroke wasn’t all bad news.

My poker playing has improved by about 50%.

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Some people are saying the President had "a series of mini-strokes"

I'm not sure if they're talking about his golf game or how he masturbates.

If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.

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If you stroked Pinnocio's girlfriend's boobs...

It would give you splinters, wooden tit?

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Sometimes I like to stroke my cock.

I think he must like it too, since everytime I stop, he starts flapping his wings.

(AFAIK this is my original joke. If you've heard it before it's a coincidence)

Why was the stroke patient whose left side was paralysed sent home?

His report said that he was all-right.

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

I said to my mate, my girlfriend had a stroke of genius the other day..

He said "oh, is she smart?"

I said, no, but I am.

I watched a documentary about stroke survivors last night.

It was a bit one sided.

Why did the stroke victim start watching Fox News.

He had started leaning to the right.

Its crazy how some people die after having a stroke, but others just lose a bodily function and are otherwise okay..

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

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After suffering a stroke, a man was dragged into hospital by an ambulance

On the way to his ward, he passed a room where a man was vigorously jacking off; he asked the nurse "what's he doing?".

The nurse replied" he has a condition where he gets severe pain if he does not masturbate every 15 minutes"

"Oh, my bad."

Later ...

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Did you know that if you stroke your testicle with one hand and a kiwi with the other and close your eyes, you won’t feel the difference?

And that I’m not allowed to shop at Whole Foods for the next couple of months?

My dad’s stroke destroyed half of his face

He’s terrible at golf.

“Sir, you’ve just had a stroke,” a doctor told his patient.

“Now it’s my turn, so please pull down your pants.”

What do you call the place where you have a chance to get a stroke?

The clottery

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A young man gets chatting to an old stranger at a bar. The old man strokes the bar and says, “I built this bar with my own hands”.

“I took the oak, I laminated it, turned it into planks, sanded it down and finished it. Am I known as “The old man who builds bars”? No.”

The old man stands up, “Come outside, young man.”
“Look at this stone wall. I built it with my bare hands. I collected the stones, stacked them up, and ...

And elderly man was taken to the ER after having a massive stroke...

The ER physician told the family that he was alive but unfortunately brain-dead.

"Oh, God," cried his elderly wife, "We've never had a Liberal in the family before!"

Two old ladies were sat on a park bench when a man walking past suddenly flashed them. One of the ladies had a stroke.

The other wasn't quick enough.

The doctor said I was at a high risk for having a stroke

Hpoe I ok wikl be fnie

How can you tell if someone is having a stroke?

There is lotion and used tissues laying around

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Man goes to his psychologist about his new kink.

"Doc, lately I've been paying men to wrap their scrotum around my penis and stroke me until I climax. Would you call that crazy?"

"No," he says. "I'd call that fucking nuts."

I got fired for having a stroke at my desk in work.

Outrageous! I didn't even get to climax.

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Getting a vasectomy soon.....

I'm saving this joke to tell my wife when I get home from the consult because she's been on me to lose weight a lot lately.

Great news, babe. The dick doc said I can jerk off WHENEVER I want.
His exact words were "You could have a stroke at any time" but I know what he meant.

Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns?

The first one had a stroke.

The second one had a stroke.

And the third one didn't touch him at all.

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Different strokes lol

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: ...

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Did you hear about the masturbating guy with heart disease?

I heard he died of a stroke.

Whenever I meet a new girl things go great until they find out about my lettuce fetish. I like to stroke and kiss and cuddle those beautiful leafy heads of green.

Every time when they find out they refuse to join in and then they leave.

I guess I’m fated to forever romaine alone.

Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.

The genie grants each of them one wish.

The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.

The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.

The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.

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Last night I was having a stroke and yelled for my wife to come and help me.

She said "Put your dick away, the kids are still up!"

Did you hear about the blonde who lost the breast stroke swimming event

She got all mad and accused the others of cheating because they where using their hands

Two priests were playing golf...

Father Bob hit his ball into the woods on his first swing, "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed.

"You shouldn't curse Father Bob!" said Father Michael "Or god might punish you!"

Father Bob apologized and they went on playing.

On his next swing, Father Bob hit his ball into ...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the re...

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A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke

When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks

"Top ...

If you walk in to a room and find a man having a stroke...

...you probably should have knocked.

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A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

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