Sad news but a good friend of mine just had a stroke. He says he lost functionality of the left side his body.

When I called to ask how he’s doing he said “I guess I’m all right now.”

My swimming instructor asked me what my favourite stroke was.

Apparently "The one that killed Margaret Thatcher" wasn't the right answer.

Is some one dear to you having a suspected stroke, remember, think F.A.S.T.

F. Get on Facebook immediately and search the symptoms from a sympathetic audience.

A. Ask for their thoughts and prayers, this will generate lots of likes.

S. Search for the symptoms on Google or look for helpful YouTube videos.

T. Try a selection of oils, scented candles, he...

my doctor told me i can have a stroke at any time.

take that r/nofap !

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Did you know that if you stroke your testicle with one hand and a kiwi with the other and close your eyes, you won’t feel the difference?

And that I’m not allowed to shop at Whole Foods for the next couple of months?

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

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Why did the pirate stroke lumber?

His captain told him to "cum a board"

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night.

She said it was disgusting to let my grandma touch me like that.

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The...

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

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Some people are saying the President had "a series of mini-strokes"

I'm not sure if they're talking about his golf game or how he masturbates.

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead were standing on a beach

They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers j...

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Sometimes I like to stroke my cock.

I think he must like it too, since everytime I stop, he starts flapping his wings.


(AFAIK this is my original joke. If you've heard it before it's a coincidence)

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[Long] I met a pirate...

At least, I think he was a pirate. I never asked, but he had an eye patch over one eye, a wooden leg, a hook where his hand should be, and a parrot on his shoulder. So I was pretty sure he was a pirate. Also, we were on the boardwalk by the beach, so I figured that's as likely a place as any for a p...

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A bus crashes, and everyone onboard dies, the only survivor is a monkey. A cop comes to interrogate the monkey...

Monkeys can't speak, just picture the gestures...

Cop: So what did you see?

Monkey: places fingers to lips and sucks in

Cop: So they were doing drugs?

Monkey: nods yes

Cop: So what else did you see?

Monkey: cups hand up to lips and tilts head back

Cop...

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Beware of penalty strokes

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off, and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out...

My grandpa was an artist. Unparalleled with a paintbrush. He has an amazing stroke!

That's how he died...

Three nuns were walking down the street...

Three nuns were walking down the street each lost in introspective thought when a man wearing only a trench coat jumped out from behind a hedge and flashed the nuns. Well the first nun had a stroke! Then the second nun had a stroke as well. The third nun wouldn't touch it.

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A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

What band do elderly people try to avoid?

The Strokes

What did the person who found Stalin dead after suffering from a stroke say?

That’s gonna leave a Marx

Why was the stroke patient whose left side was paralysed sent home?

His report said that he was all-right.

A man & his wife are golfing...

He takes his shot and it slices waaaay over into the neighbor’s farm & lands right in front of the barn. He’s irritated because he knows he’ll lose a stroke just to get the ball back on the fairway.

His wife gets an idea though. “Hey, I’ll tell you what; I can hold the barn door open for...

I said to my mate, my girlfriend had a stroke of genius the other day..

He said "oh, is she smart?"

I said, no, but I am.

Once, my mate Dave got kicked out of a hospital. When I asked why, he said

Apparently "Stroke Patients Here" meant something else.

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Sex with me is as annoying as playing a round of golf with tiger woods

No one wants to play with someone who shoots it in the hole first stroke every time!

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Why is golf better than sex?

The fewer the strokes, the better you are.

Two old ladies were sat on a park bench when a man walking past suddenly flashed them. One of the ladies had a stroke.

The other wasn't quick enough.

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Cinderella wants to go to the Ball

But her evil Step- mother won't allow her. Cinderella runs to the garden and cries. Suddenly her fairy godmother appears out of thin air. The fairy godmother asks "why are you crying child?" Cinderella tells her about the ball and her evil step-mother not letting her go. The fairy godmother tells C...

3 Nuns go for a walk

The 3 Nuns walk past a large bush. From the bush, a naked man jumps out.

The first 2 Nuns do nothing, the third has a stroke.

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

There are some things you can’t say with a straight face.

...Like “I am having a stroke”

I joined the local gym’s swim class

Only to find out that breast stroke was not what I thought it would be.

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Story Challenge: My name is Inspector Clouseau...

...and I'm working on a case, because I haven't got a table.

I looked out of the window and saw a very tall man. I knew he was tall - I was on the 6th floor.

There was a tap at the door. "Funny place to put a tap", I thought.

I opened it, and there was a beautiful woman standing...

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again. Again...

Three old women are sitting at a park bench, talking about the weather

when suddenly a naked man runs past them. Th first woman has a stroke. the second one has a stroke as well. the third one almost had a stroke, but her arms were too short.

“Sir, you’ve just had a stroke,” a doctor told his patient.

“Now it’s my turn, so please pull down your pants.”

My dad’s stroke destroyed half of his face

He’s terrible at golf.

I've just been thrown out by security and told never to return to the hospital again.

It turns out the Stroke Unit isn't what I thought it was.

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

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If you stroked Pinnocio's girlfriend's boobs...

It would give you splinters, wooden tit?

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor though...

Trump is once again golfing today.

I hope his next stroke is a massive one.

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A young man gets chatting to an old stranger at a bar. The old man strokes the bar and says, “I built this bar with my own hands”.

“I took the oak, I laminated it, turned it into planks, sanded it down and finished it. Am I known as “The old man who builds bars”? No.”

The old man stands up, “Come outside, young man.”
“Look at this stone wall. I built it with my bare hands. I collected the stones, stacked them up, and ...

Why did the golfers wife call for help when he hit the ball out of bounds?

Because he stroked out!

If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.

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[NSFW] A man walks into his doctor's office visibly upset

"Doctor!" the man exclaims

"The medicine you prescribed me doesn't work!"


The doctor, who is immediately confused, replies

"If it didn't work, you wouldn't be here right now. You'd be hospitalized or dead. What makes you think it doesn't work?"

The man explains "I kn...

A guy has 2 dying friends...

A guy has two close friends, Fin and Scott. Fin has a heart disease and Scott had a major stroke.both of them thought they were done for.

Jake, who is the guy in this story, receives the news that they have both sadly passed away, and either one left a section for him in their will.

F...

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World Record

A brand new world was set on the 31st of December 2019 when billions from around the world got together to achieve the world's biggest lie on the stroke of midnight. Happy New Year was being said everywhere. Nearly 12 months on billions of people can now confirm that this was bullshit.

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Why did the Japanese man have a hard time finishing? (NSFW)

Because every time he tried to please himself he got the stroke order wrong.

3 old women are sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat walks by and flashes them. 2 of them have a stroke

The other one couldn’t reach that far

What do you call it when a leprechaun gives you a handjob?

A stroke of luck.

Old McDonald had a stroke

I E O E I

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My grandma caught me masturbating and she had a stroke...

She has such soft hands...

Just watched a documentary about stroke survivors

Very one sided

The doctor said I was at a high risk for having a stroke

Hpoe I ok wikl be fnie

The digit seven

A humorous answer to why handwritten digit 7 is commonly written stricken (I've recently read this joke in Russian and made a translation).

When Moses gathered the people at the Mount Sinai, started reading out the 10 commandments and reached the No. 7 (which reads "Thou shalt not commit ...

3 old ladies

3 old ladies were sitting on a park bench. A flasher comes over and rips open his raincoat. The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady had a stroke. The third old lady couldn't reach it.

What do you call the place where you have a chance to get a stroke?

The clottery

Whenever I meet a new girl things go great until they find out about my lettuce fetish. I like to stroke and kiss and cuddle those beautiful leafy heads of green.

Every time when they find out they refuse to join in and then they leave.

I guess I’m fated to forever romaine alone.

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

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Mr Simpson owned a high end clothing store.

One day, just around closing up, a pretty young woman walks in, browses for a bit and ends up staring at a very expensive designer dress standing proudly in the centre of the store.
Mr Simpson notices, quietly walks up beside her and says 'it's a beauty, isn't it?'
She glances at him, sighs ...

Boy says goodbye instead of goodnight

So a boy and his family are praying, and after they finished praying, it’s their tradition to say goodnight, and go to sleep.

So the boy says, goodnight mama, goodnight papa, goodnight grandpa, goodbye grandma.

At the time, they didn’t really think much of it, and the boy didn’t even ...

A man was dying

A man was dying in hospital. In his last moments, he grips his wife’s hand and says:
“Before I die, I have to confess to you. I’ve been sleeping with your best friend for the past year. I’m sorry.”

She gently stroke his hair and says:
“I know. That’s why I poisoned your coffee. Now clos...

Its crazy how some people die after having a stroke, but others just lose a bodily function and are otherwise okay..

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the re...

What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?

When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke.

When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.

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NSFW - Leprechaun at a urinal

So this guy Jimmy is on a road trip home from college when he stops at a rest stop to relieve himself. As he enters the bathroom he notices a leprechaun at the urinals. He walks up to the urinal next to it and starts doing his business, but while doing so cant help but notice that this leprechaun ha...

Did you hear about the guy who finished a game of golf with a single stroke?

His heart stopped and he died.

Why did the stroke victim start watching Fox News.

He had started leaning to the right.

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my dick and my bike's engine have a thing in common

both need two strokes to go off

What's an Irish swimmer's favourite stroke?

Margaret Thatcher's.

She’s from Minsk

A small, tight knit, Russian village buys their milk from the neighboring town. Eventually they realize they should pool their resources and buy a cow for the town.

They all gather their money, some put more, some less, whatever they can afford. Now they have 800 roubles, but to buy a cow fr...

Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.

The genie grants each of them one wish.


The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.


The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.


The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.

My grandfather had a stroke this week..

He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.

How do you know if a dog is male or female?

Stroke its head.

If he wags his tail, it's male.

If she wags her tail, it's female.

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Different strokes lol

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: ...

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A Gynecological Exam!!

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor

took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"<...

I got fired for having a stroke at my desk in work.

Outrageous! I didn't even get to climax.

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My son adorably can't pronounce Ks and they always come out as Ts...

... it was all cute until he asked my neighbour if he could "stroke her titties".

And elderly man was taken to the ER after having a massive stroke...

The ER physician told the family that he was alive but unfortunately brain-dead.

"Oh, God," cried his elderly wife, "We've never had a Liberal in the family before!"

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3 men get sent to heaven and they arrive at Saint Peter’s gate.

St. Peter tells them they can have all the golfing and fun they want but when golfing to NEVER hit a duck. One of the guys asks, “why is hitting a duck a problem?” Saint Peter replies, “If you hit a duck it will start quacking then another will start quacking, then all the ducks start quacking and e...

At least my massive stroke wasn’t all bad news.

My poker playing has improved by about 50%.

A log chopper came looking for a job in a lumber camp

The foreman said, "I don't know if this is the kind of job you want; here we chop trees." The woodchopper said, "That's precisely the sort of work I do." The foreman replied, " Okay, here's an axe-let' s see how long it takes you to chop down this tree here." The woodchopper went over to the tree a...

Last night I witnessed my dad having a stroke

I really wish he would lock the door when he does that.

A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there's a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.

A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says...

"I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in.

Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says,

"I'm with the police."
...

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