My swimming instructor asked me what my favourite stroke was.

Apparently "The one that killed Margaret Thatcher" wasn't the right answer.

Did you know that when a shark has a stroke...

it can smell toast from up to fifty miles away?

Sad news but a good friend of mine just had a stroke. He says he lost functionality of the left side his body.

When I called to ask how he’s doing he said “I guess I’m all right now.”

Ol mcdonald had a stroke

I-E-O-I-AAAAAAAAAAAA

[NSFW] 3 nuns were sitting on a park bench when a man came along and flashed them. 2 of the nuns had a stroke.

The third one missed.

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How does Gordon Ramsays family know he's having a stroke?

The toast is fuckin' burnt

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Stroke of Genius

A deaf newlywed couple are on their honeymoon about to consummate their marriage. They get in bed and turn the lights out. Seconds later the wife turns her bedside lamp on.
Wife: Honey, we need a way of communicating in the dark.
Husband: You're right. Suggestions?
Wife:Ok. If you want sex...

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How do you know if you've had a minor stroke ?

You have jizz in your belly button.

How do you know if you've had a major stroke?

You have jizz on the ceiling.

My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night.

She said it was disgusting to let my grandma touch me like that.

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An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady...

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady, and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never reaches orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, ...

The executioner decapitated the man in a single stroke, and then hacked him into pieces.

Almost a flawless execution, but then he butchered it.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?

When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke.

When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.

Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns?

The first one had a stroke.

The second one had a stroke.

And the third one didn't touch him at all.

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A man decides to go golfing one Sunday. He's in the clubhouse paying for 18 holes when a gorgeous blonde woman approaches him. "Hey, I noticed you're golfing alone," she said...

"I'm golfing alone too. Can I join you?"

The man enthusiastically agrees and they head to the course.

She's good. *Really* good, and beats the man's score by many strokes. The man is feeling self conscious for losing so soundly to a woman. The woman notices his change in mood and says,...

I used an AI to generate jokes. Here's what it made:

why did the chicken cross the road?

I had a stroke, so I went to the doctor, and the doctor told me to get my legs



The lobster goes to the doctor...

F\*\*\* me.



What's the best thing about being a plant?

They're all in a hurry to get it done
...

my doctor told me i can have a stroke at any time.

take that r/nofap !

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.

1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please...

Three autopsy techs are cutting the corpse at the end of a very long day, as tired and underpaid as usual...

Two of them have cut into stomach, the other one is reading the report about the death of the person.

One of them exclaims: 'Oh, meatloaf! And potatoes!' - He grabs a spoon and starts eating straight from the stomach. The other one follows. - 'Daniel, would you?' - 'No, guys, thank you, I...

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Why are golf players bad at sex?

Because they try to finish with as few strokes as possible.

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What do you call it when Einstein masturbates?

A stroke of genius

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences dow...

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An Englishman, an American and an Irishman walk into a Bar.

Each orders a double scotch.

Through a stroke of misfortune, a fly lands in each of their drinks.

The Englishman calls the waiter, points out the fly, and gets his drink returned.

The American looks around a while, ensures no one is looking, takes the fly out with a pair of twee...

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A deaf couple is having issues in the bedroom

When the lights are off at night, neither of them can communicate. This leads to a lot of frustration for both of them, since the wife can’t tell the husband whether she’s in the mood or vice-versa. Their marriage counselor suggests coming up with a touch language that will work in the dark, thus no...

3 old ladies on a park bench.

A dude in a trenchcoat walks up and flashes 3 old ladies on a park bench.
First had a stroke...
Second had a stroke....
Third couldn't reach :)

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Why did the pirate stroke lumber?

His captain told him to "cum a board"

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Some people are saying the President had "a series of mini-strokes"

I'm not sure if they're talking about his golf game or how he masturbates.

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Did you know that if you stroke your testicle with one hand and a kiwi with the other and close your eyes, you won’t feel the difference?

And that I’m not allowed to shop at Whole Foods for the next couple of months?

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a ...

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An irate woman calls her husband's doctor ...

"This is Mrs. Jones, my husband just got back from an appointment with you and he says that after examining him you told him that he can masturbate whenever he wants ! That's the most ridiculous diagnosis I've ever heard -- what kind of an office are you running there ?!?"

The doctor explain...

Three old ladies are sitting on a bench

When a man in a trench coat walks by and flashes them.

Two of the old ladies have a stroke. The third one couldn’t reach that far.

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Beware of penalty strokes

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off, and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out...

What do you call a handjob from a leprechaun?

A stroke of luck.

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The Golf Fairy

A man was playing 18 holes by himself. On the 15th tee he hooked his ball into some buttercups along the left of the fairway. Being an honorable man, he penalized himself one stroke and moved his ball out of the pretty flowers.

Then a fairy appeared. She said “Thank you for moving your ball o...

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

Don’t worry if you have a stroke because you are going to be all right

Or all left

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Sometimes I like to stroke my cock.

I think he must like it too, since everytime I stop, he starts flapping his wings.


(AFAIK this is my original joke. If you've heard it before it's a coincidence)

I was kicked off my swim team

When our coach asked me what the best stroke was,
"The one that killed my MIL" apparently wasn't an appropriate answer.

The doctors said I could touch myself anytime I wanted to.

The dr, “you could have a stroke any time.”

My dad had an ischemic stroke, and my uncle had a hemorrhagic stroke

You know what they say: different strokes for different folks!

Golf with Ed

Dan was busy at work when he saw Randy and Ed come in for their shifts looking very upset at each other. He tried asking Ed what was wrong, but Ed just pointed to Randy and said "Ask him!".

So Dan asks Randy what happened. Randy sighed and said "Well Dan, would you play with someone who cheat...

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The...

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

What did the person who found Stalin dead after suffering from a stroke say?

That’s gonna leave a Marx

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Husband: My doctor said I could masturbate anytime I want.

Wife: No, he said your blood pressure is incredibly high, and you could have a stroke at any moment.

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A bus crashes, and everyone onboard dies, the only survivor is a monkey. A cop comes to interrogate the monkey...

Monkeys can't speak, just picture the gestures...

Cop: So what did you see?

Monkey: places fingers to lips and sucks in

Cop: So they were doing drugs?

Monkey: nods yes

Cop: So what else did you see?

Monkey: cups hand up to lips and tilts head back

Cop...

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead were standing on a beach

They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers j...

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MD Visit



A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a Gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress, and after she had disrobed, the doctor

began to stroke her thigh.



Doing so, ...

Why was the stroke patient whose left side was paralysed sent home?

His report said that he was all-right.

One way to start the day.

I was washing my face this morning when I noticed that one of my nostrils was bleeding. It could be the sign of a heat stroke or third-stage lung cancer. Who nose.

What do you call a supervillain that kills people with handjobs?

Death Stroke

I said to my mate, my girlfriend had a stroke of genius the other day..

He said "oh, is she smart?"

I said, no, but I am.

I used to have a friend that was great at golf.

They had a stroke.

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The Wise Rabbi

A nazi once approached a Jewish rabbi.
"How are you jews so clever? Tell me or I'll kill you!" he demanded.
The rabbi stroked his beard. "Ok, I'll tell you, but first you must become more spiritual. Go and fast for 40 days. Each day, immerse yourself in freezing water."

40 days later, ...

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A young man gets chatting to an old stranger at a bar. The old man strokes the bar and says, “I built this bar with my own hands”.

“I took the oak, I laminated it, turned it into planks, sanded it down and finished it. Am I known as “The old man who builds bars”? No.”

The old man stands up, “Come outside, young man.”
“Look at this stone wall. I built it with my bare hands. I collected the stones, stacked them up, and ...

If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.

I got kicked out of the hospital!

Apparently the sign “STROKE PATIENTS HERE” meant something completely different.

My grandpa was an artist. He had an amazing stroke.

That's how he died.

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If you stroked Pinnocio's girlfriend's boobs...

It would give you splinters, wooden tit?

Why does the Olympics swimming have lifeguards?

In case one of the swimmers has a stroke.

Sons are all the same...

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

"Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he's decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where ...

My dad’s stroke destroyed half of his face

He’s terrible at golf.

“Sir, you’ve just had a stroke,” a doctor told his patient.

“Now it’s my turn, so please pull down your pants.”

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[Long] I met a pirate...

At least, I think he was a pirate. I never asked, but he had an eye patch over one eye, a wooden leg, a hook where his hand should be, and a parrot on his shoulder. So I was pretty sure he was a pirate. Also, we were on the boardwalk by the beach, so I figured that's as likely a place as any for a p...

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My grandma caught me masturbating and she had a stroke...

She has such soft hands...

What band do elderly people try to avoid?

The Strokes

Two old ladies were sat on a park bench when a man walking past suddenly flashed them. One of the ladies had a stroke.

The other wasn't quick enough.

3 Nuns go for a walk

The 3 Nuns walk past a large bush. From the bush, a naked man jumps out.

The first 2 Nuns do nothing, the third has a stroke.

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

The doctor said I was at a high risk for having a stroke

Hpoe I ok wikl be fnie

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Did you hear about the guy who wrecked his car while jerking off?

The coroner said the cause of death was several mini strokes.

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A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

While I was cleaning the pool one hot day...

I overheard my college daughter’s friend:
Your dads hot!
Daughter: really??
I smiled
Friend: I think he’s suffering heat stroke, you should tell him to get in the shade

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There was a young man called Dean

There was a young man called Dean
Who invented a wanking machine.
On the 99th stroke,
The fucking thing broke
And whipped his balls to cream.

Its crazy how some people die after having a stroke, but others just lose a bodily function and are otherwise okay..

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

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Cinderella wants to go to the Ball

But her evil Step- mother won't allow her. Cinderella runs to the garden and cries. Suddenly her fairy godmother appears out of thin air. The fairy godmother asks "why are you crying child?" Cinderella tells her about the ball and her evil step-mother not letting her go. The fairy godmother tells C...

What do you call the place where you have a chance to get a stroke?

The clottery

My grandfather had a stroke this week..

He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.

A man & his wife are golfing...

He takes his shot and it slices waaaay over into the neighbor’s farm & lands right in front of the barn. He’s irritated because he knows he’ll lose a stroke just to get the ball back on the fairway.

His wife gets an idea though. “Hey, I’ll tell you what; I can hold the barn door open for...

Three nuns were walking down the street...

Three nuns were walking down the street each lost in introspective thought when a man wearing only a trench coat jumped out from behind a hedge and flashed the nuns. Well the first nun had a stroke! Then the second nun had a stroke as well. The third nun wouldn't touch it.

Whenever I meet a new girl things go great until they find out about my lettuce fetish. I like to stroke and kiss and cuddle those beautiful leafy heads of green.

Every time when they find out they refuse to join in and then they leave.

I guess I’m fated to forever romaine alone.

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[NSFW] A man walks into his doctor's office visibly upset

"Doctor!" the man exclaims

"The medicine you prescribed me doesn't work!"


The doctor, who is immediately confused, replies

"If it didn't work, you wouldn't be here right now. You'd be hospitalized or dead. What makes you think it doesn't work?"

The man explains "I kn...

Did you hear about the guy who finished a game of golf with a single stroke?

His heart stopped and he died.

Why did the stroke victim start watching Fox News.

He had started leaning to the right.

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

I watched a documentary about stroke survivors last night.

It was a bit one sided.

At least my massive stroke wasn’t all bad news.

My poker playing has improved by about 50%.

Last night I witnessed my dad having a stroke

I really wish he would lock the door when he does that.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the re...

What's an Irish swimmer's favourite stroke?

Margaret Thatcher's.

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Story Challenge: My name is Inspector Clouseau...

...and I'm working on a case, because I haven't got a table.

I looked out of the window and saw a very tall man. I knew he was tall - I was on the 6th floor.

There was a tap at the door. "Funny place to put a tap", I thought.

I opened it, and there was a beautiful woman standing...

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Different strokes lol

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: ...

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again. Again...

Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.

The genie grants each of them one wish.


The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.


The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.


The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.

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Sex with me is as annoying as playing a round of golf with tiger woods

No one wants to play with someone who shoots it in the hole first stroke every time!

I got fired for having a stroke at my desk in work.

Outrageous! I didn't even get to climax.

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