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Stroke Jokes

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My Grandma saw me masturbating and had a stroke.

I couldn't believe how soft her hands were.

Sad news but a good friend of mine just had a stroke. He says he lost functionality of the left side his body.

When I called to ask how he’s doing he said “I guess I’m all right now.”

My swimmer friend asked me “what’s your favorite stroke?”

Apparently the one that killed Margaret Thatcher wasn’t an answer

2 nuns were sitting on a park bench when a guy came running through and flashed them. One of the nuns had a stroke...

The other one couldn't reach.

If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.

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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checki...

My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night.

She said it was disgusting to let my grandma touch me like that.

My grandfather had a stroke this week..

He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.

My swimming instructor asked, "What's your favourite stroke?"

I said it was the one that finished off my mother-in-law.

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(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

A man has his mother-in-law move in with him when she lost her job.

About a week later, he returns home from his job and finds her laying on the floor, unconscious. He calls 911, the ambulance comes and takes her off to the hospital.

He calls his wife and tells her she may have to cut her business trip short, but he'll keep her posted.

He gets to the ...

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The...

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My cousin died while masturbating.

Apparently he had a fatal stroke.

Ol mcdonald had a stroke

I-E-O-I-AAAAAAAAAAAA

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My new doctor asked me if there was a history of stroke in my family and I told him no.

However, I told him that my wife's family were all a bunch of wankers.

My friend just had a stroke...

He's all-right now.

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Stroke of Genius

A deaf newlywed couple are on their honeymoon about to consummate their marriage. They get in bed and turn the lights out. Seconds later the wife turns her bedside lamp on.
Wife: Honey, we need a way of communicating in the dark.
Husband: You're right. Suggestions?
Wife:Ok. If you want sex...

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How do you know if you've had a minor stroke ?

You have jizz in your belly button.

How do you know if you've had a major stroke?

You have jizz on the ceiling.

My doctor said I might have a stroke at any time.

Boy are my arms tired

I just had a stroke

I’m all right

The Doctor tells me I can play with myself whenever I like

My wife tells me that's not what 'You could have a stroke at any moment ' means

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Brushing your teeth properly is like good sex. Longer than 30 seconds, good stroke technique

and there shouldn’t be any blood afterwards.

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher revealed himself to them.

The first old lady had a stroke.

The second old lady had a stroke.

The third old lady couldn't reach far enough.

I watched a documentary about stroke survivors last night.

It was a bit one sided.

If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.

I once had a stroke

Thank god it was the onlajsbsiabhs

Two old ladies were talking on a park bench when a guy in a trench coat came by and exposed himself. One old lady had a stroke!

The other couldn’t reach it.

Did you know that when a shark has a stroke...

it can smell toast from up to fifty miles away?

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How does Gordon Ramsays family know he's having a stroke?

The toast is fuckin' burnt

my doctor told me i can have a stroke at any time.

take that r/nofap !

At least my massive stroke wasn’t all bad news.

My poker playing has improved by about 50%.

And elderly man was taken to the ER after having a massive stroke...

The ER physician told the family that he was alive but unfortunately brain-dead.

"Oh, God," cried his elderly wife, "We've never had a Liberal in the family before!"

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After suffering a stroke, a man was dragged into hospital by an ambulance

On the way to his ward, he passed a room where a man was vigorously jacking off; he asked the nurse "what's he doing?".



The nurse replied" he has a condition where he gets severe pain if he does not masturbate every 15 minutes"




"Oh, my bad."



Later ...

The executioner decapitated the man in a single stroke, and then hacked him into pieces.

Almost a flawless execution, but then he butchered it.

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...

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Sometimes I like to stroke my cock.

I think he must like it too, since everytime I stop, he starts flapping his wings.


(AFAIK this is my original joke. If you've heard it before it's a coincidence)

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Why did the pirate stroke lumber?

His captain told him to "cum a board"

What did the person who found Stalin dead after suffering from a stroke say?

That’s gonna leave a Marx

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Broke in a brothel

A young man turns 18 and decides to go to the local brothel for his first adult encounter. When he arrives, the madame meets him in the parlor and explains how things work. He settles upon what he wants and asks the price. The madame informs him it will cost him $100 for his requested services. He l...

Why was the stroke patient whose left side was paralysed sent home?

His report said that he was all-right.

Its crazy how some people die after having a stroke, but others just lose a bodily function and are otherwise okay..

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

Stroke Play

A teenager, his father, and his grandfather play golf together every weekend. One day they get paired up with someone different. They ask who it is and the manager tells them, “you’ll find out on the first tee”.

The group gets to the first tee and finds the most beautiful woman they’ve ever s...

If you start to smell burning toast you’re having a stroke

or overcooking your toast

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A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won $1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

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Did you know that if you stroke your testicle with one hand and a kiwi with the other and close your eyes, you won’t feel the difference?

And that I’m not allowed to shop at Whole Foods for the next couple of months?

My grandpa was an artist. Unparalleled with a paintbrush. He has an amazing stroke!

That's how he died...

I said to my mate, my girlfriend had a stroke of genius the other day..

He said "oh, is she smart?"

I said, no, but I am.

My dad’s stroke destroyed half of his face

He’s terrible at golf.

“Sir, you’ve just had a stroke,” a doctor told his patient.

“Now it’s my turn, so please pull down your pants.”

The doctor said I was at a high risk for having a stroke

Hpoe I ok wikl be fnie

How can you tell if someone is having a stroke?

There is lotion and used tissues laying around

Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.

The genie grants each of them one wish.


The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.


The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.


The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.

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Man goes to his psychologist about his new kink.

"Doc, lately I've been paying men to wrap their scrotum around my penis and stroke me until I climax. Would you call that crazy?"

"No," he says. "I'd call that fucking nuts."

Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns?

The first one had a stroke.

The second one had a stroke.

And the third one didn't touch him at all.

My father had a stroke. I told him, "You're all right.."

"And no left."

Two priests were playing golf...

Father Bob hit his ball into the woods on his first swing, "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed.

"You shouldn't curse Father Bob!" said Father Michael "Or god might punish you!"

Father Bob apologized and they went on playing.

On his next swing, Father Bob hit his ball into ...

Damn, are you a 4 stroke engine?

Because I want you to suck me, squeeze me, bang me and blow me

Two old ladies were sat on a park bench when a man walking past suddenly flashed them. One of the ladies had a stroke.

The other wasn't quick enough.

Whenever I meet a new girl things go great until they find out about my lettuce fetish. I like to stroke and kiss and cuddle those beautiful leafy heads of green.

Every time when they find out they refuse to join in and then they leave.

I guess I’m fated to forever romaine alone.

I got fired for having a stroke at my desk in work.

Outrageous! I didn't even get to climax.

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Last night I was having a stroke and yelled for my wife to come and help me.

She said "Put your dick away, the kids are still up!"

Did you hear about the blonde who lost the breast stroke swimming event

She got all mad and accused the others of cheating because they where using their hands

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Did you hear about the masturbating guy with heart disease?

I heard he died of a stroke.

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?

When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke.

When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.

If you walk in to a room and find a man having a stroke...

...you probably should have knocked.

I got home the other day and my dad was on the floor having a stroke.

I told him that's disgusting and to do that in private from now on.

A red head, brunette and a blone compete in a breast stroke race across the ocean...

After 45 minutes the red head finishes in 1st place, another 5 minutes later the brunette finishes the race coming 2nd, and after 4 long hours the blonde finally reaches the finish line. When asked why she took so long the blonde replied "I don't mean to sound like a sore loser or anything but I swe...

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead were standing on a beach

They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers j...

My uncle Died after having a stroke...

right as he came he had a heart attack.

Did you hear about the three old ladies who got flashed the other day?

One had a heart attack, another had a stroke, but the third was too offended to touch it.

If I ever have a stroke I'm going to tell kids that stare I was making a face when the wind changed

and then I had a stroke.

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The Biker and the Accountant

A large muscly rough looking biker riding the biggest baddest motorcycle you've ever seen chases a small nerdy accountant on a Moped across a lonely highway. He easily catches him and runs him off the road. In desperation, stumbling and crawling to get away, the accountant grabs a discarded glass ...

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. . .

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".

Again Jimmy says "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the ...

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Beware of penalty strokes

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off, and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out...

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the re...

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So last night I had a stroke of genius.

Two nights ago I named my penis Genius.

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Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening

Many men have died after having a stroke

A blond, a brunette and a redhead . . .

were in a breast stroke competition to cross the English Channel. They all dove in together on the shores of the UK. Across the Channel on the shores of France, the judges and media waited patiently.
After a few hours the redhead emerged from the waters to hearty cheers. About a half hour late...

A father tucks his son in

A father goes upstairs to tuck his son into bed. As he reaches his son's door, he hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, dad, grandma and byebye grandad. The father thought the prayer was a little strange but nothing more. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandad had...

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Paramedics find a man, dead, midway thru masturbating.

Died having a stroke.

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A friend of mine was recently injured from a lack of blood flow to his brain while he was masturbating.

He had a bad stroke!

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences dow...

My grandmother has had 3 strokes this year…

At this rate she’ll never finish this handjob.

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

What do you call it when a leprechaun gives you a handjob?

A stroke of luck.

A doctor is going around doing house calls with his new postdoc assistant.

Before entering the first house, he tells him: "I'm sure you think you learned everything you needed to know about the job, but you'll have to learn how to observe the patients and their habits if you want to diagnose them properly."

They go to the first patient, a bed-ridden woman. The docto...

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I was told that my high blood pressure made any sexual activity risky, so I asked my doctor.

After my physical, the doctor told me that I could masturbate anytime I wanted to.

His exact words were, "You could have a stroke at any time!"

Three americans are competing to paint a foreign flag on a white sheet of canvas ...

The three are given only 30 minutes to complete their assignment.

The first student decides to paint Germany's flag, the second will paint the United Kingdom's, and the third Hungary's.

The first and second are already making good progress. The third's about to take his first brush str...

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If you stroked Pinnocio's girlfriend's boobs...

It would give you splinters, wooden tit?

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I was kicked out of my doctor's office for masturbating

He's the one who said I could have a stroke anytime!

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

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A car company walks into a bar...

Shirishito was a stoic man, for the most part, not prone to impulse or really any emotional sway. He'd climbed the corporate ladder at one of Japan's largest automakers one rung at a time, diligently.

Many of his cohort, when he was in the mail room, washed out after showing up late, drunk o...

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A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.

The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close...

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