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Beware of penalty strokes

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off, and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out...

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Some people are saying the President had "a series of mini-strokes"

I'm not sure if they're talking about his golf game or how he masturbates.

Two old ladies were sat on a park bench when a man walking past suddenly flashed them. One of the ladies had a stroke.

The other wasn't quick enough.

What did the person who found Stalin dead after suffering from a stroke say?

That’s gonna leave a Marx

Why was the stroke patient whose left side was paralysed sent home?

His report said that he was all-right.

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor though...

I said to my mate, my girlfriend had a stroke of genius the other day..

He said "oh, is she smart?"

I said, no, but I am.

My grandpa was an artist. He had an amazing stroke.

That's how he died.

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

3 old ladies

3 old ladies were sitting on a park bench. A flasher comes over and rips open his raincoat. The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady had a stroke. The third old lady couldn't reach it.

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Why did the Japanese man have a hard time finishing? (NSFW)

Because every time he tried to please himself he got the stroke order wrong.

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What do you call it when Albert Einstein masturbates?

A stroke of genius.

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

A man flashes two old nuns on a bench. The first nun has a stroke

The second couldn't quite reach

She’s from Minsk

A small, tight knit, Russian village buys their milk from the neighboring town. Eventually they realize they should pool their resources and buy a cow for the town.

They all gather their money, some put more, some less, whatever they can afford. Now they have 800 roubles, but to buy a cow fr...

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NSFW - Leprechaun at a urinal

So this guy Jimmy is on a road trip home from college when he stops at a rest stop to relieve himself. As he enters the bathroom he notices a leprechaun at the urinals. He walks up to the urinal next to it and starts doing his business, but while doing so cant help but notice that this leprechaun ha...

“Sir, you’ve just had a stroke,” a doctor told his patient.

“Now it’s my turn, so please pull down your pants.”

My dad’s stroke destroyed half of his face

He’s terrible at golf.

A man was dying

A man was dying in hospital. In his last moments, he grips his wife’s hand and says:
“Before I die, I have to confess to you. I’ve been sleeping with your best friend for the past year. I’m sorry.”

She gently stroke his hair and says:
“I know. That’s why I poisoned your coffee. Now clos...

What do you call it when a leprechaun gives you a handjob?

A stroke of luck.

A Jewish doctor responsible for performing circumcisions retires.

Instead of throwing out all the foreskins he's collected, he decides to take them to a seamstress so she can turn them into a souvenir of his long career.

He takes a few hundreds tips into the seamstress and leaves them with her, giving her a week to make something special.

Upon his re...

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A Gynecological Exam!!

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor

took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"<...

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Did you hear about Donald Trump masturbating?

Apparently it was a series of mini-strokes

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My son adorably can't pronounce Ks and they always come out as Ts...

... it was all cute until he asked my neighbour if he could "stroke her titties".

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police car one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.

As they drove through the streets, they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "You're Passionate."

They drove a while longer and aske...

What do Walter Reed and Trump National have in common?

Both are places where Trump doesn't count his strokes accurately.

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3 men get sent to heaven and they arrive at Saint Peter’s gate.

St. Peter tells them they can have all the golfing and fun they want but when golfing to NEVER hit a duck. One of the guys asks, “why is hitting a duck a problem?” Saint Peter replies, “If you hit a duck it will start quacking then another will start quacking, then all the ducks start quacking and e...

Why does Trump like mini-golf?

Because mini-strokes are common.

How do you know if a dog is male or female?

Stroke its head.

If he wags his tail, it's male.

If she wags her tail, it's female.

3 elderly nuns were sitting on a bench

3 elderly nuns were sitting on a bench. A man in a trench coat walked right up surprised them by flashing them. The first two nuns had a stroke.
The third couldn’t reach.

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If you stroked Pinnocio's girlfriend's boobs...

It would give you splinters, wooden tit?

Milk Snatcher Thatcher

When I interviewed to be a swimming coach, they asked me what my favorite stroke was.
I guess "the one that killed Margaret Thatcher" wasn't the answer they were looking for...

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A young man gets chatting to an old stranger at a bar. The old man strokes the bar and says, “I built this bar with my own hands”.

“I took the oak, I laminated it, turned it into planks, sanded it down and finished it. Am I known as “The old man who builds bars”? No.”

The old man stands up, “Come outside, young man.”
“Look at this stone wall. I built it with my bare hands. I collected the stones, stacked them up, and ...

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Helen Keller was taught the word 'water' by running her hand under a tap and tracing the word on her palm. She was taught the word 'cock' in a similar way.

That's right, the word was traced whilst she was made to stroke a rooster.

^((Get your mind out of the gutter you dirty bastards))

A pervert in a trenchcoat flashes three little old ladies sitting on a park bench.

Upon the sight, two of them had a stroke.

The other one couldn't reach it.

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Flasher and the 3 Nuns

My virgin post. Sorry if this is a repost but I still find this funny after decades.


3 nuns were walking in a park when a man in a raincoat jumped out of the bushes and exposed himself to the 3 nuns.


The first nun gasped and had a stroke. The second nun gasped and also had ...

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A gambler dies and goes to haven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.

Just watched a documentary about stroke survivors

Very one sided

What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?

When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke.

When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.

The doctor said I was at a high risk for having a stroke

Hpoe I ok wikl be fnie

Three friends are stranded in a desert.

By a stroke of luck, they stumble upon a magic genie lamp.

The genie grants each of them one wish.

The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.

The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.

The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were ...

Whats something that young boys love, but grow to fear as they get older?

Having a stroke.

Which country's capital has the fastest growing population?

Ireland. Everday it's Dublin.





\*Idk if this has been on here yet. My co worker told me this and I about had a stroke.\*

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One of my all time favourites.... makes me laugh every single time.

Mr. Sullivan, the most arrogant man who could do no wrong, was on top of Mrs Sullivan, trying his best to please her. His butler was holding a dim lit lantern as the lights were out and the Sullivan's didn't like the darkness.

Somewhat tired, he asked mrs Sullivan "How good was it?"

"...

I touched myself and my life went downhill

It was a stroke of back luck

Three old grannies are on a park bench when a very attractive naked young man runs by in front of them.

The three old ladies, who hadn't had action in decades, fixed their eyes on the handsome hunk and gasped. Janice pressed her hand on her heart and said, "wow, that whippersnapper damn near gave me a heart attack." Edna, rubbing her neck, added, "I almost had an asthma attack!" Lydia, still reaching ...

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

Old McDonald had a stroke

I E O E I

A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there's a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.

A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says...

"I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in.

Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says,

"I'm with the police."
...

There was once a man from bel air who was doing his wife on the stair,

but the banister broke so he doubled his stroke and finished her off in mid air!

A man had a stroke and the entire left side of his body became paralyzed...

He’s all right now.

Life is a little bit like golf.

You want to finish with as few strokes as possible.

My girlfriend left me and became a motorcycle enthusiast

I guess she prefers two strokes to one stroke

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies.

Surprised, the first lady had a stroke. The second lady also had a stroke. The third lady, though, declined to touch it.

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A well-off man is driving home in his new Ferrari...

The man is enjoying the attention from passers-by, and isn't paying much attention to the road. Distracted, he makes a wrong turn and drives off a cliff.

His Ferrari falls to the bottom and smashes to pieces, but by a freak stroke of luck, the man manages to save himself by grabbing onto an ...

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My grandma caught me masturbating and she had a stroke...

She has such soft hands...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the re...

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Every time I masturbate...

I have a little stroke of genius.

Whenever I meet a new girl things go great until they find out about my lettuce fetish. I like to stroke and kiss and cuddle those beautiful leafy heads of green.

Every time when they find out they refuse to join in and then they leave.

I guess I’m fated to forever romaine alone.

Did you hear about the guy who finished a game of golf with a single stroke?

His heart stopped and he died.

I was fired and kicked out of the hospital on the very first day as a nurse..............

Apparently the sign outside the ward "Stroke Patients Here" meant something completely different!

A man woke up lost in the desert.

He didn’t know how he got there but he knew if he didn’t find water asap he will die, he was thirsty tired and close to a heat stroke as he walked the vast deserted land looking for water.

Miles and miles into his journey he spotted a person in the middle of the desert, thinking it might be ...

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench

, just chatting the day away like old ladies do.

Suddenly, a man in a trench coat walks up to them and flashes them with all the glory god gave him.

Well, the first old lady had a stroke right away.

The second old lady had a stroke soon after.

The third old lady, being mo...

Its crazy how some people die after having a stroke, but others just lose a bodily function and are otherwise okay..

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

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After suffering a stroke, a man was dragged into hospital by an ambulance

On the way to his ward, he passed a room where a man was vigorously jacking off; he asked the nurse "what's he doing?".



The nurse replied" he has a condition where he gets severe pain if he does not masturbate every 15 minutes"




"Oh, my bad."



Later ...

What is the most interesting word in the English language?

Stroke it just blows your mind

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This man walks to the pet store to buy a parrot.

The guy at the store says, "I only have one parrot, and he talks and all, but he has no legs."

"No legs!" says the man. "How does he hold up on the perch?"

"It's actually quite ingenious: he hooks his dick around the base of it."

The man is quite impressed and he takes the legle...

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...

I got fired for having a stroke at my desk in work.

Outrageous! I didn't even get to climax.

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I was masturbating yesterday, and came exactly at 12:00 AM

at the midnight stroke.

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Different strokes lol

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: ...

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So this guy decides to take off work to go golfing.

So he's there on the Green, about to head his ball, when he hears, "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

He looks down and there's a little frog next to his foot. "What did you say, little frog?"

And the frog repeats. "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

So the man shrugs, figures what the hell, switches cl...

Roses are red, violets don't dance

I'm having a stroke
call a anbulous... ambivalence... weewee wagon pls

Why did the paintbrush win the lottery?

Just a stroke of good luck I suppose.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in ...

I’d love it if my friend could have multiple strokes

Playing against his constant hole-in-one shots makes me want to quit golf.

My grandfather had a stroke this week..

He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.

A holy man was feeling distraught one morning, so he sat alone in his church praying to God for guidance...[long]

The Good Reverend had been giving into indulgence far too often lately; drinking wine, his Tuesday night Poker games, and sneaking peeks at those unmentionable places on the Interwebs.

It had started innocently enough, but the priest was getting carried away and the guilt was finally getting ...

Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning.

The man strokes her back, "I'm so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this..."

"Don't worry Steve, it's not your fault."

So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?

No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.

At least my massive stroke wasn’t all bad news.

My poker playing has improved by about 50%.

So, my uncle died and left me his dvd collection

He had a series of Different Strokes

Last night I witnessed my dad having a stroke

I really wish he would lock the door when he does that.

The man

There was a man who had a stroke then after he survived he became a painter

You could say it was a stroke of genius

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Little johnny learns about the birds and the bee's

Saturday morning little Johnny wakes up and as he is about to go to the living room to watch Saturday morning cartoons he hears loud noise coming from down the hall. He follows the sound which brings him to his parents bedroom. Curious about what the noise is he slowly opens his parents bedroom door...

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