If you switch the B and S in Osama bin Laden, it becomes Obama Sin-Laden . . .

Some might consider that prophetic, others slanderous.

But I say it's just flippin' BS.

Why did my girlfriend switch out the batteries in her vibrator?

Because the other ones just didn’t energizer

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

What goes from green to red at the flick of a switch?

A frog in a blender.

I tried to switch from instant coffee to tea...

But the time difference is steep.

If the US would switch from inches to meters

We'd have a lengthy discussion

It was extremely difficult to switch off my mother in law’s life support system.

I had to fight the doctor, my wife, and her siblings to finally do it.

Two light bulbs are watching a switch flip on and off...

The first one turns to the second and says,

"Is it weird that, that turns me on?"

America could never switch to the metric system.

Kilometers Davis, how does that sound?

I asked hitler how to turn off my phone

He said: Bro, use the auff switchz

What did Robert Palmer say to the light when he flipped the wrong switch?

I didn't mean to turn you on.

I taught my young daugther to switch out the discs in my PS4 for me.

It was a real game changer.

An electrician tells the engineer, “I wired everything exactly according to the drawing and I flip the switch and there’s no current.”

“Yes, I see the problem,” The engineer responds. “We just can’t draw any current.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I fill the room with darkness after you switch on the light... Who am I?

A jerk.

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What do you call a golden Nintendo switch

Auswitch

Sometimes it's fun to switch things up in the bedroom..

But realistically, I only have two hands

How do you turn on a switch?

You finger it

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

My girlfriend is like a light switch

I always make sure to turn her off before leaving so she doesn't waste energy on someone else

I Hate Trying to Figure Out Which Light Switch Goes to Which Room

It's a process of illumination.

I wonder who's buried in the grave of the guy who invented the switch-a-roo?

Th-th-that's all folks.

Why does the Nintendo switch come with a dock?

Because of all the ports

(Told to me by my wife)

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours

A man who had just died is delivered to a local mortuary....

and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in b...

Why wont America ever switch to using coins like in the EU?

Because conservatives don't like change.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote switch...

I thought to myself : "Well , this changes everything"

Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!

Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.

And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.

It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system.

You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.

Ever wonder why Kim Jong Un wants to switch from governing North Korea to South Korea?

He wants a Korea change.

After a Year of use I can say without a doubt that the Nintendo Switch is the perfect console for Me

The Nintendo Sub was too under powered and the Nintendo Dom is more than I can handle.......

Did you hear that the new Nintendo Switch controllers were a scam?

Turns out that they were a joy con.

One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I co...

When Nintendo come out with a new version of the switch will the current one become...

The old switcheroo!

Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?

They're afraid of change.

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Terrorists have an Off-Switch.

It’s in the back of their heads. Use a baseball bat to activate.

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

There's this guy who wants to become a train conducter

He goes to school and eventually manages to land a really good job testing an experimental train.

So he gets into work for his first day and gets on the train. They get going and everything's running smoothly until he crashes the train, killing one person.

He goes to court and is sente...

One man proposed that Geico switch their mascot to a kitten.

"Now, with only 15 minutes, you can save 15 purr-cent on cat insurance"

So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office.

The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit."

The mortician agrees and thanks...

I threw my sandal at the light switch to turn it off, but I missed..

It was a complete flip - flop

Why did Eric Clapton switch from a PC to a Mac?

Because he had a bad experience with Windows.

How many mods does it take to switch a light bulb?

[deleted]

How many Sony and Microsoft fanboys does it take to turn on a lightbulb?

I don't know. They won't go near the Switch.

We should switch to the hexadecimal number system already.

And I have a good reasons why.

What will happen if someone robs a Nintendo Switch factory?

WIIU WIIU WIIU WIIU

I tried to get my mom to switch from AMD to Intel...

...but I couldn't Celeron it.

I was playing Arms on my Nintendo Switch and my teacher told me to put it away.

"But I have the right to bear Arms!"

My wife said "If you switch off the light, I will take it up the ass." She let out a scream.

Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying on bed for a few minutes, the old man cut a fart and says, "7 points."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "Touchdown. I'm ahead 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later, the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man and his wife are in bed. After lying silently for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “Seven points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”

&#x200B;

The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”

&#x200B;

A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”

&#x200B;

After about five minutes the...

I like to switch things up in bed

Now I'm sleeping on the couch. Good thinking from Nintendo though. I can play here too.

Request - can someone explain this joke?

> In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for...

The Nintendo DS' cheaper version was the DS Lite. A cheaper Nintendo Switch would be

The Nintendo Lite-Switch

One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Few Saturdays I switch off the light and stay the whole night in darkness

So that the neighbors might think that I've an active social life...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pilot left his microphone on.

After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot
' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'.

An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone.

When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.

So there was an angry band director...

His band wasn’t super good, but they managed. One day, they were rehearsing, when a flute player messes up a part. They keep messing it up, and he gets so frustrated he stabs the flautist to death with his baton.
He goes to prison, and gets sentenced to death by electric chair. Before he goes in...

Three murderers are on death row. The day rolls around for their execution. The first man sits in the electric chair and the priest says...

“Any last words?” The murderer exclaims “I’m innocent!” They pull the handle, but nothing happens. The electricity doesn’t run. The priest, astonished, says “that’s a 1 in a million chance, it must be a sign from god. you have be telling the truth.” And the first murderer is free to go.

The s...

Why did all the residents of Flint, MI switch from the hip hop station to the classic rock radio station?

They wanted to get the lead out.

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Simple. Just switch off the lights

A man dies and goes to Hell.

The devil greets him:

- You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room.

The devil leads him to the first room where some...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A train conductor is on death row for derailing a train and killing 50 people.

For his last meal he requested a single banana. The next day the electric chair failed to kill him, so he was let go. He later committed the same dumb fuck mistake and killed 45. Same shit, different sentence, he asked for a banana, and didn't die in the electric chair so THEY LET THE CUNT GO. The s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call the act of turning over in bed to switch from the missionary position to doggy style?

A sexual revolution.

I broke up with my video game console, now it's my ex-box

Nothing personal, it was just time for a switch

Oman and Yemen should switch names

because if you find out you're gonna live in Oman, you go "yeah man!!"

but if you find out you're gonna live in Yemen, you go "oh man..."

Im so sorry

What’s an abusive dad’s favorite gaming console?

The Switch

My family loves to have dance parties.

My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect.

Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing!

It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a button which makes Jews feel pain?

An ow switch