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Switch Jokes

I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.

The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

Why won't Americans switch to the metric system?

They have a foot fetish

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

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True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

My wife bought me a Nintendo switch for Christmas.

In a few years I'll have enough parts to build a whole console.

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

How does a queen in a straitjacket flip a light switch?

Off, with her head

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Make sure the intercom is switched off!

The plane lands and the pilot gives his usual speech, but he forgets to switch off the intercom.

The co-pilot asks the pilot what he has planned for the evening.

The pilot replies, “first I am going to shit, then I am gonna bang the shit out of the new stewardess”

The stewarde...

We should switch to the hexadecimal number system already.

And I have a good reasons why.

Switch Operator

This guy was applying for a job as a switch operator on the railroad. The engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother." The engineer ...

Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?

They're afraid of change.

The history and reasons why France switched to the metric system is very interesting

But to make a long story short, it was Napoleon.

[OC] Why did the IT guy abandon the horse cart and switch to a bicycle?

Because he couldn't handle the "buggy" rides anymore!

I switched the labels on all my wife's spices.

I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Did you hear about the depressed light switch?

It couldn’t go on.

I switched…

I switched from Cox because they charged to much then I thought to myself another large bill is just on the Verizon

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.


Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

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Twin Switch

A man once dated a woman with a twin. The twins got it into their minds that they could switch places and he would end up having sex unknowingly with her twin.

One night he’s in bed and she turns off the light to make it harder for him to realize their trick. She makes up a last minute excuse...

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Yo mama so fat, they did a story on how fat she was on the channel 3 news

I switched to channel 7 and you could still see her ass in the corner of the screen

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

I almost got switched at birth in the hospital

But then my mother got caught by the nurse

What did the light bulb say to the switch?

You turn me on.

I found Nirvana by switching to a keto diet.

The only downside: I smell like protein spirit

It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system.

You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.

For years I've stuck with coke but recently tried switching to pepsi.

But the bubbles really burn my nose.

I have found that I have been happier since I switched from coffee to orange juice.

My Dr. explained that it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

We switched from corona virus to the Third World War..

..which idiot changed from zombie mode to multiplayer?

Why won't the U.S. switch to the metric system?

There would be mass confusion

Daniel Craig has narrowly avoided death after falling into an industrial mixer whilst on a Martini factory tour. Fortunately the machine wasn't switched on.

He is reportedly shaken

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He mad...

Why did the banker switch career ?

Because she lost interest

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How many people does it take to switch a lightbulb?

More than nine, my basement is still dark.

Why did NASA switch to Sprite?

They were unable to get 7up

My New Year’s Resolution is to switch to a vegan diet in 2022.

Luckily I just got covid, so I won’t notice any difference!

The UK tested switching to the dollar...

Many years ago, England was considering switching the Pound over to the dollar. As a test run to see how it would fare, they made a run of dollar coins that they distributed to the public.

Not wanting to get them confused with the one pound coins, they decided they would change the Queen's fa...

I remember when McDonald's switched from styrofoam to cardboard and paper.

I'm still wondering when they're going to start using actual meat.

I taught my young daugther to switch out the discs in my PS4 for me.

It was a real game changer.

I just recently had to switch my gambling habit to off-track betting

I kept getting trampled by the horses

Why didn’t USA switch from pounds to grams?

Because of mass outrage.

Can you believe that only 40% of American homes have a safety switch?

I was shocked!

The priest angrily asks the altar boy standing two meters away,

"Are you secretly drinking the holy wine?"

The altar boy remains silent. The priest's anger grows.
"I'm asking you! Can't you hear me?"

"No, I can't hear anything from here, Father."

"What do you mean? You're just two steps away and you can't hear me?"

The altar...

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What do you call a very expensive switch ?

a Louis Button...





I'm so sorry

I switched my friends M and N keys

Some might call me a monster. But others may call me a nomster

A Blonde, a Brunette, and A Red Head are sentenced to death.

They are lined up in the yard to be killed. The main guard went up to the Brunette. “You have a choice on how you would like to die: by electric chair, firing squad, or hanging. Which will it be?”

The Brunette replied, “I’ll take the electric chair.”

She was led away by two other guar...

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Switching it up

A gorgeous blond walks into a bar and orders 3 Budweisers. She drinks them and get gets so slammed she screws the bartender and both customers in the bar. The next day she comes back and orders 3 Budweisers, get drunk and screws all 10 customers. The next day 35 men are waiting for her to show up. S...

Why do carpenters sometimes switch hands to hammer nails?

So that it feels like someone else is doing the work.

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Pilot left his microphone on.

After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot
' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'.

An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone.

When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.

How do you call someone that switches the m and n letters on a keyboard

A Nomster

I finally switched from Internet Explorer to Chrome!

Just kidding, happy April fools day!

I decided to switch to a new barber

My current barber just isn't cutting it.

I switched my girlfriend’s bed with a trampoline.

She really hit the roof.

The Pentagon is in the middle of switching up their nuclear codes..

They want them to be longer, in order to make them more secure. It’s not because they’re worried about spies cracking the codes. It’s just that they want them to be over 140 characters so Trump can’t tweet them out.

My wife left me because I bought the a Nintendo, but I'm not even upset...

it was time for a switch

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A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.

After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”

My friend drops French fries when he eats them. I told him to try onion rings because they're easier to hold, so he switched but it's still a problem.

They’re dropping like fries.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

People in the gym always ask me how I got so big

Being a bodybuilder, people are shocked at how big I am. Many of them ask “how did you get so big?!” I tell them that it’s simple. I
Followed an extremely strict diet of raw oats and milk. Seriously. I ate nothing but raw oats and milk for two years and *literally* doubled in size!


Bu...

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What’s the difference between your dick and a light switch?

A light switch actually turns things on.

My Xbox, PS4 and Switch all broke on the same day.

I'm inconsolable.

My wife dared doubt my craftsmanship when I was changing over the light switch.

Haha, she's in for a shock!

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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

Made the switch to almond milk...

...because at 30, it’s about time I got off my mother’s.

I recently made the switch from Colgate to Crest.

I gotta say, it's a real nice change of paste.

Today I gave a homeless man everything I had, my identity, wallet, car, house, even my wedding ring. We basically switched places.

You can't imagine how good it felt to be free of debt for the first time.

I can't find the off switch for my Stannah stairlift!

It's driving me up the wall!

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

America could never switch to the metric system.

Kilometers Davis, how does that sound?

I tried to switch from instant coffee to tea...

But the time difference is steep.

I used to work in restaurants before switching to information technology...

... The biggest difference is that the phrase "my server went down on me" is no longer a good thing.

If American football switched to metric

They'd have to convert 4th and inches

If you switch the B and S in Osama bin Laden, it becomes Obama Sin-Laden . . .

Some might consider that prophetic, others slanderous.

But I say it's just flippin' BS.

Why did the cashier not switch job?

There was no room for change!

Luigi invites Mario over to play some Nintendo Switch...

...as they get ready to fire up some Smash Bros. Mario notices Luigi has a new avatar.

Mario asks, "Say, Luigi, what kind picture is that?"

Luigi says... "It's a Mii, Mario."

Two men and a blonde woman are in death row.

Two men and a blonde woman are in death row. They’ve had their last meals and prepare for what’s coming up. The warden calls one of the men and asks: “How would you like to go? Firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?”

The man thinks hard, and finally decides on the electric chair. After he ...

When a BMW owner learns to drive...

What kind of car do they switch to?

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Having run out of toilet paper, Jack switched to newspapers.

Now you have a well-read Jack ass.

My girlfriend is like a light switch

I always make sure to turn her off before leaving so she doesn't waste energy on someone else

Got arrested by cops for celebrating earth day and switching off all plugs

Shouldn't have done it in a hospital i guess

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An old man tells his doctor that his wife never has an orgasm while they are having sex.

The doctor suggests that perhaps she is overheating. So when the man gets home he asks his young and good-looking gardener to assist by waving a towel to cool off his wife while they are having sex. The gardener is reluctant but agrees. While the couple is having sex, the gardener frantically wav...

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

My Doctor told me that to fix my condition, I need to switch from beer to tequila

I replied "Can't you just give me a shot?"

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