A Jewish man is walking down the sidewalk. As he goes to cross the street he is hit by a car and hurled through the air causing him to hit his head. A beautiful woman sees this and takes off her coat as she runs over to the man. She lifts his head and places the jacket under his head.

She tells the man not to move and that she is going to call for an ambulance.

But before she gets up to get her phone out and call she asks the man, “Are you comfortable?”

To which the man replies, “Eh, I make a living.”

Elephant Never Forgets

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.

The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.

The elephan...

I told my friend that I went on a trip to Eastern Cape of Africa and this guy hurled a long throwing spear at me.

My friend said "Assagaai!", I said I don't know why you're taking his side.

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Jungle snooker. (Long Old joke, but then I’m old so you may not have heard it)

An elephant, a crocodile and a snake met by a riverbank, they had known each other for years and were pals. How about a game ? said the crocodile and the others agreed. Jungle snooker? Asked the elephant. Don’t know that one said the snake, how’s it played? Well said the elephant it’s like table ...

Blonde Construction Worker

Every day, three construction workers, one Mexican, one Italian, and one blonde, climb up to the highest steel girder in the building that they are all working on and eat their lunch.

One day, the Mexican worker opens up his lunchbox and sees that yet again his wife has packed him bean burrit...

A guy crossing the street is hit by a car and he is hurled to the street.. The driver yells out the window "watch out"!

The man on the street yelled back "why? Are you coming back"?

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase." The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over Lon...

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Mr. Becker was a cantankerous old Farmer

But he owns some best Land in the valley for Deer hunting. People had asked permission to hunt on his land forever and always ended up hightailing out of there to escape the barrage of expletives hurled at them and a potential for a dusting of rock salt out of his shotgun.

My buddy Cory an...

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People hurled abuse at me at the bar last night

So I went for a night out with my girlfriend. People hurled abuse at me, calling me "freak" and "pedophile" just because she is 18 and I'm 30.



Really ruined our 10th anniversary.

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

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A man goes running on the beach every morning. (Nsfw)

So there's this guy and every morning he goes for a run on the beach.


One day he sees a woman, with no arms and no legs just lying in the sand and crying.


So he walks up to her and asks what's wrong and she says


" well all my life, nobody has ever given me a hug." ...

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

“This is so embarrassing,” the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner and make...

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Gruesome deaths

Three men go to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells them that heaven is currently overloading, and only people who have had particularly gruesome or sad deaths may enter. He then proceeds to ask the first man how he died.

"Well, it's a really weird story. I came home from work early because...

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Two men are drinking at a bar

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that th...

Mass protests, the tension is mounting.

The cops are poising themselves, wacking their shields with their rubber sticks. The protesters are hurling rocks at the cops.

A cop says to his colleague: See that pudgy, well dressed old lady with the hat? That's my mother-in-law. Do not touch her. SHE'S MINE.

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

Sitting in a refrigerator

This guy comes home from work early and runs up several flights of stairs to surprise his wife. As soon as he gets inside he smells cigar smoke and immediately gets the notion that his wife was fooling around with another man. Convinced he is still in the appartment, he checks every possible hiding ...

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Professor welcomes the class in Anatomy lab on the first day of medical school.

He begins by saying - You need 2 rules to become a successful doctor.

No 1 - you cannot feel disgusted by anything.

After saying that, he stuck his finger into the cadaver's butt hole.

Students look at him in a shocked manner, but eventually they give in and remembering his r...

I hate the discus throw ...

makes me want to hurl.

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Osama goes to heaven.

Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr.
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the
Americans' liberty, so they gave you...

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Dying of dehydration

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can ...

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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a car...

A barbarian warrior is captured by the enemy

He was taken before the leader, and told that he had one opportunity for life: he must survive four trials by ordeal.

The first was to walk barefoot across a trench filled with hot coals.

The second, to drink a full quart of the most powerful spirit.

Third, he had to enter a ca...

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Hillbilly Stripper

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He t...

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

Lions eat anything

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he d...

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A man is condemned to death by stoning

A man is condemned to death by stoning. As the people gather around him and get ready to begin, Jesus emerges from the crowd and stands by the man. He says to the crowd, "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone."

The crowd is taken aback, and begins to disperse, when an old lady comes...

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A physicist , engineer and a statistician are on a hunting trip through the woods when they spot a deer.

The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 10 feet to the left.

The engineer says, "You forgot about air resistance. Give it here." He calculates wind speed and direction on his notepad, missing the d...

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A boy named Steve was being bullied by a boy named Billy.

Billy's parents were vegan, and one day Billy's father had a stroke out of nowhere, despite his healthy lifestyle.

Ever since Billy's dad was hospitalized after the stroke, Billy became very more and more aggressive to the point where he would bully Steve and hurl insults at him daily for no ...

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According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

When Gandhi was on his first hunger strike

People would routinely bring him flattened bread in an attempt to get him to eat. What people don't understand though is that Gandhi was actually a very temperamental man, and prone to anger. So even when his friends and family were the ones bringing him bread, he would take it and hurl it at them, ...

A blind man walks into a bar...

He makes his way in and grabs his guide dog's lead. Without a moment's hesitation the man hurls the dog into the air and swings it around the room, faster and faster.

"WOAH WOAH WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" yells the barman.

.... "Just taking a look around" he replies.

A gentleman walks into a very busy Italian Restaurant

The host explains that they are very busy and he will have no choice of seating. The gentleman agrees and is seated at the only remaining table. He views the menu and orders a plate of the city's best spaghetti. The waiter comes to the table and sets the meal before him.

The gentleman puts th...

Two Irish guys walk into a pet shop

Seamus heads straight over to the back of the shop, knowing what he's looking for, and Finton follows shortly behind.

"Dats dem up der!" Says Seamus, pointing at high up bird cage. "Oi'll tek two a dem budgies up der," He says to the shopkeeper, "an wouldya put em in a pepper bag?"

So...

I heard this in at the barber shop from an old patron, it's my favorite joke.

There's a butcher tending to his shop when a dog walks in.

The dog has a note in his mouth, with a $10 bill attached.

The butcher bends down and picks the note out of the dog's mouth, reading aloud he says: "2 pork chops please" and the dog sits.

The butcher, highly impressed,...

The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened...

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A king hired a professional thief

The king wants to steal the national treasure of the neighboring kingdom, something that, if he owns, he'll have the right to rule BOTH countries. He sent out a call across the land for the best, sneakiest, and most ruthless assassins, thieves, brigands, and highwaymen and stated their crimes would ...

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Never been fucked

One day a guy is walking on the pier and sees a woman in a wheelchair crying. The man walks up to her to see if he can help.

"You see," the woman says through sobs, "I've been in a wheelchair since I was young and boys never paid me any attention. Can you believe I've never even been hugged b...

A man is headed home from work late at night

He's sitting at the bus stop like he does every night when he hears a loud "CLANK... CLANK... CLANK..." He looks up from his phone and sees a coffin slowly walking towards him. Confused, he stands there for a little longer. The coffin continues to walk towards him but much quicker now. The man begi...

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A woman comes home to find her husband cheating on her with another woman.

In a fit of rage, she runs to kitchen, grabs a steak knife, and cuts off her husband's member.



Still in a fury, she grabs her husband's cock and the keys to his Ferrari and begins zooming down the freeway at top speed. To make sure there's no chance her husband will ever have it rea...

All these youngsters with their DDoS-attacks

Back in my day we just hurled a bunch of fax machines through someone's window

Is Satan a Seahawks fan?

A curious man died one day and found himself waiting in the long line for his after-life judgment.

As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of Heaven while others were led over to Satan who threw them into a burning pit. Every so often, instea...

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Jesus comes upon a crowd stoning a harlot...

He was shocked at the cruelty, and he opens his arms wide and yells "STOP!!!" in his booming, godly voice. Everybody pauses and turns, stones in their hands, and Jesus begins to preach.

He preaches about brotherly love, and turning the other cheek. His words are inspiring and the crowd grows ...

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Three men stand at the Pearly Gates

Saint Peter explains to them that unfortunately Heaven is rather overcrowded at the moment, so they're only letting in people with the most horrific deaths. One by one he asks them each how they perished.

The first man: I live on the 6th floor of an apartment building in Manhattan, and for s...

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Car on Fire!!!

Driving home late one night, a man spotted a car on fire. He rushed over to help and saw that a beautiful woman was trapped inside, bleeding to death. He dragged her to safety from the flames, wrapped her in a blanket and drove her to the nearest hospital. Over the next six months, he regularly dona...

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Jimmy was always a big fan of tractors

He absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control tractors and even tractor board games. All he ever wanted to do was one day own his own tractor. When Jimmy was 15 he even managed to find himself some tractor porn, which was not easy to come by. One day whilst Jimmy...

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Steve and Jason have their car break down on a deserted country road. [NSFW]

It’s late at night, there is no cell reception and they see only one house for miles surrounded by corn fields so they walk over and ring the doorbell. A disgusting old, wrinkly lady answers the door and asks them what they want.

“Our car broke down and we need to call a tow truck but we don’...

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Girl on the beach

A muscular young man was walking along the beach at sunset. The beach was empty save one lovely young woman sitting in a wheelchair.

As the young man drew near, he perceived that the girl was crying.

"Fair lady", he said "why do you sit here on the beach watching this lovely sunset and...

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Little Timmy woke up one morning desperate to pee.

He bounded out of bed and hurtled across the landing to the main bathroom. Eager not to cause an upset, he carefully prised open the bathroom door.
In the bathroom, Timmy's sister, Lucy, was shaving her legs. Unfortunately, she caught a spot on her razor, causing a stab of pain. Blood started to ...

"The Four Businessmen"

Four businessmen walk onto a train: one from China, one from France, one from Mexico, and one from the United States.
They all sit together in a room with an open window and begin unpacking their lunches.
The Frenchman eats half of his croissant and tosses the remainder of it out the window....

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Heavenly confusion

One beautiful sunny day in Heaven, St Peter the gatekeeper, the bouncer of heaven; is mildly surprised to see 3 men pop up before him at the very same time.

St Peter pulls out his notebook that contains all the names of of people allowed in, and says:

"OK, since you cant bring earthly ...

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three college students are trying to join a fraternity...

They are told they have to spend the night in a derelict house thought by students to be haunted. When the three students enter, it is cold, there are few soft places to sleep, and no working water or plumbing. The first student walks up the stairs and discovers the only bedroom in the house. He qui...

A farmer is walking across a field and sees a well...

so he picks up a rock and throws it inside to see how deep it is.

He doesn't hear a splash, so he picks up a piece of wood and throws it into the well, but alas, still no splash.

He starts to get very angry from thirst and looks around desperately. He sees an anvil and heaves it into t...

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Guy goes into an old Chinese Curiosity Shop in New York. Looking at all the strange, and unique items, he spots a large stuffed rat...

... It being very large and strange, the gentleman decides that it would be a great conversation starter for his office.

He approaches the old Chinese man behind the counter and pays for the large stuffed rat, but as he is leaving he swears he can hear the old Chinese man cackling behind...

A British man, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and an American are flying in a small plane oven an ocean.

...And in the middle of their flight, the pilot announces that the plane is losing fuel to a leak, and all unnecessary luggage must be thrown from the plane.

Despite this effort, the fuel leak worsens, and the pilot realizes the plane cannot reach land with its current weight.

He tel...

Three Men Arrive At the Pearly Gates

...and St. Peter, as he is wont to do, asks them how they got there.

The first man says "I got back to my apartment early from work. I found my wife lying on our bed naked, clearly excited and I put two and two together. I ran out to the living room and looked out the window. Down on the stre...

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A snail goes up to a man's door

And says "Excuse me, we need to talk."
The man proceeded to pick up the snail and hurl him as hard as he could. Three years later, the doorbell at the house rang. When the man answered it, the snail promptly yelled,
"What the fuck was that for?!"

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A female elephant...

...is in a lot of pain, due to a thorn in her foot. An ant is walking by, and asks if he can be of assistance. She shows him her foot.

The ant climbs onto her foot, and displaying his enormous relative strength, plucks the offending article out cleanly.

The elephant, immediately reliev...

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A guy is walking down the beach and finds a woman with no arms and no legs...

A guy is walking down the beach and finds a woman with no arms and no legs laying in the sand...and she is in tears. "What's wrong?" the man asked. "I was born this way and I never really had any family to speak of. I've never been hugged by anyone my whole life." she replied. The man gracefully pic...

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Your last day on Earth is supposed to be your worst...

... And St. Peter decides who gets into Heaven based on how shitty their last day's been. Well, there's 3 guys and the first guy arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asks, "Why's your day been so terrible?"

And the guy replies, "Well, my wife's been actin funny for a few months now. She ...

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Cheating wife

A man has been suspecting his wife is cheating on him and decides he'll try to catch her in the act. One day he comes home early from work to find his wife all dolled up awkwardly sitting alone in the living room.

"Alright! Where the hell is he!?" he screams.

The wife claims she has n...

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Who fired that cannon?

Dave was walking down the street one day, he'd never worked a job in his life and he was sick of it. So he marched straight down to the job centre right up to the counter and goes
'I want a job, any job you've got. I'll do it for you.' The girl at the desk flicks through some papers.'I'm really ...

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