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Throwing Jokes

Throwing Watches

Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.

The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch an...

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I'm throwing a party for people who can't ejaculate

Let me know if you can come or not

Saw a man in a parking lot throwing Stephen King novels at people

I couldn't figure out why. Then It hit me.

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

A stranger find two French men throwing coins in a park.

When the stranger asks why the French men are doing that, one of them replies,

"We are trying to see who can throw these coins the highest! Whoever wins owes the other a hot dog!"

But suddenly the other French man interjects,

"Wait! I thought we were going off distance, not heig...

Can you kill someone with a throwing star?

Shuriken.

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An ant, a spider and a centipede are throwing a party...

The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.
10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider a...

Throwing out perfectly good clocks

Is a waste of time.

I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away...

I don’t even touch it

I Hate Throwing Herbs Away

It’s such a waste of thyme.

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."...

I asked a ninja “Can you show me one of those throwing stars?”

The ninja replied “Shuriken.”

Throwing acid is wrong...

...in some people’s eyes.

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An eccentric billionaire throws a lavish party...

Please bear with me as I heard/read this one years ago so I might not recall the details correctly:

An eccentric billionaire is throwing a lavish party with guests from all over the world. As the party is well under way he asks his guests to walk over to his Olympic sized swimming pool where...

A girl was throwing stones in her backyard one day

She threw one a little too hard and it came back and hit her in the eye. She ran inside yelling and crying and her parents drove her to the hospital

The doctor tells the family that her eye is going to have to be removed and she’ll need a prosthetic. The family doesn’t have a lot of money and...

What do you call a woman throwing her utility bills in a fire?

Bernadette

I was falsely accused of throwing batteries at people

All charges were dropped

I love throwing house warming parties

**But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.**

My brother and I got so bored, we started throwing spice jars at each other.

Then the thyme really flew.

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A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million do...

What did Mr. T say after throwing five $10 bills off the diving board?

I fitty da pool!

Last weekend, I tried throwing an orgy for people on antidepressants...

But nobody came

"I'm not throwing away my shot"

Alexander Hamilton, leader of the pro-vaccine movement 1780.

The wife just gave me a massive bollocking for throwing a snowball at our son.

To top it off, I've been banned from the maternity ward

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A grumpy old lady goes up to her husband and starts throwing a tantrum.

Wife: “I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is wrinkled skin, saggy boobs and a sad body. Please give me some kind of compliment to make me feel good!”

Husband: “Sounds like you still have perfect vision”

My little brother is throwing a tantrum because we aren’t having German sausages for dinner

He’s being such a brat

The fuse had blown on a lamp I was throwing away and my mother suggested I give it to a charity shop

I told her I couldn’t do that, they’d only re-fuse it

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

How do you deal with a toddler throwing a tantrum?

Tell him to wait until the vote count is finished

I tried throwing chocolate at you but I can't aim

Hershey misses

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Monkey arrested for throwing lit feces a zoo employees

3 were hospitalized with turd debris burns

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A kid is throwing rocks at a can in a park

He misses the first shot and says:
"Fuck, I missed!"

The priest from a church that is right in front of the park hears him, walks up to him and says:
"Son, you must not curse or God will punish you..."

The kid doesn't listen to him and replies:
"Yeah, whatever"

He keeps...

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An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"



The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"



The American ...

A peeny pinching dad was throwing his daughter a sweet 16 birthday

He wanted her to have a nice party but didn't want to spend a lot of money. He made all the arrangements at the bare minimum to satisfy his daughter's wishes, everything except the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an nice bakery?" his wife suggested.

He called all around town and...

I saw an anti-vaxxers 4 year old son throwing a tantrum at the grocery store yesterday.

You can say he was having a midlife crisis

Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

I was out for a quick ride when a large bird of prey dropped dead right in front of me, throwing me clear off my bicycle.

Shocked, confused, and a little banged up, I decided to take the dead raptor to a vet. Autopsy revealed it had suffered from a myocardial infarction likely caused by severe hypertension.

As the vet put it, I’d fallen victim to an ill eagle arrest.

Me to a ninja: Hey, can you show me how you precisely cut off tree branches with those throwing stars?

“Shuriken.”

(Came up with this ex nihilo, please like)

Two kids were outside during winter throwing snowballs at each other,

The snow women found it funny,
The snowmen? Not so much.

Not looking forward to Thanksgiving. There's always yelling, crying and plate throwing.

Also, it's hard always being alone on Thanksgiving.

My grandad never used to like throwing things away

He died in WW2 holding onto a hand grenade

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A limbless woman crying on the beach.

A limbless woman is sitting on the beach crying as a man approaches her.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“I’ve never been hugged before...” she responds.

The man hugs her and she stops crying for a second. Then the man walks away and the woman continues crying.

A little whil...

A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...

when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?

The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the ...

At the beach house, we had a major problem with sea birds. I started throwing rocks at them.

I left no Tern unstoned.

A man tried to start a fight by throwing dough, shredded cheese, and tomato sauce at me.

So I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

What Olympic event that involves throwing should be eliminated?

Discuss

My anti vaxer neighbor's eight year old was throwing a temper tantrum

"Isn't she too old to throw a temper tantrum?", I asked.
"It's not a temper tantrum. It's a mid life crisis."

Why did the protestors start throwing bread?

Because they wanted to rye it.

They are not throwing gang signs.............

They are just Hand Contorsionists.

A man was known for throwing elaborate costume parties. [Long]

A successful lawyer and bachelor, he had a large home on the countryside where, once a year, he would welcome hundreds of guests to a gorgeous masquerade ball complete with a live band and exquisite catering. He would send out fancy invitations, and patrons would only be allowed into his party if th...

I asked a ninja the other day if he could tell me what his favorite throwing weapon is.

He said "Sure I can."

I was throwing oranges at tropical birds.

One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”

Earlier today I felt like throwing up..

So I put a dart board on my ceiling.

I was accused of throwing shade today

All I did was toss them the sunglasses they asked for.

They caught me throwing presents into the San Andreas.

But I’ve always been generous to a fault.

Throwing peanuts in the river

A young catholic boy went in to the confessional.
Boy: "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I threw peanuts in the river"
Priest: "That's okay son, throwing peanuts in the river is not a sin, Say one 'Our Father' and and your sins will be absolved. You may go"



A second boy...

Im throwing a suprise bukkake party for my wife.

I hope everybody can come.

Aaron Rodgers is pretty deflated after throwing two picks this game...

If he's not careful, Tom Brady might try to hold him

so there was this rich man and he was throwing a party and he invites all the people in town including the only redneck, Killroy

They were have a great time at this party.. watching the game, drinking beer and bbqing. Then the rich man announces on his loud speaker "Ladies and gentleman, i have a 30 ft man-eating alligator in my pool. Whoever's brave enough to jump into the pool and kill the gator I'll give them 1 million dol...

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A Mexican man is throwing a Halloween party...

The only requirement was to come dressed as an emotion.

On the night of the party, Juan was the first to arrive. The host opens the door to see Juan dressed in all red. "Juan what are you doing? You were supposed to come dressed as an emotion!"
"I have" said Juan, "I'm red hot passion"...

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A father and his ten year old son were in the grocery store…

…and the son was throwing a penny up and catching it. After several successful attempts, he threw it up, lost it in a light and it went into his mouth. He started choking which caused the father to start freaking out and yelling for a doctor.

A well dressed woman walked over, calmly reached d...

My mom is throwing a party

Mom: I invited Steve to the party

Me: Which Steve? Cannibal Steve or Steve that can’t spell?

*gets a text*

Steve: I can’t wait to meat your mom tonight

Mom: I’m not sure

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My wife was mad at me for throwing poop.

Shit hit the fan

What do you call a baby plate throwing a tantrum?

Childish

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'

I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming...

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