Themselves Jokes - 117 Hilarious Themselves Jokes

Two factory workers are talking among themselves.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

To which the woman answers, "Just wait and watch."
She hangs herself upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in, takes a look at her and asks, "What are you doing?"...

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

Three vampires are arguing amongst themselves.

Each is claiming to be the most vicious.

The first one suddenly runs off, and comes back in fifteen seconds, blood dripping from his mouth.

'See that house over there?' he says, pointing. 'I've killed all of the family members inside and sucked their bodies dry of blood.'

The s...

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...

... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are three software engineers who find themselves needing a piss at their annual conference.

First one goes in, has his piss, comes out and after washing his hands he grabs a towel to dry them. And another, and another. Soon the bin is overflowing with used towels, but his hands are perfectly dry.
"At IBM, they teach us to be thorough"

Second one goes in, has his piss, comes out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.

The brunette left and decided to go shopping.

The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.

The blonde decided to go home and surprise her husband, but when she arrive home she heard noises in the bedroom. She slowly walked up, peaked through the door, and ...

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The woodland animals built themselves a public toilet.

All went well for the first couple of weeks, then one morning as the toilet committee were inspecting the toilet, they found that one of the windows was smashed. They asked all the animals what had happened, and the rabbit said, "Last night the bear was taking a shit, and the toilet was out of paper...

Companies that consider themselves modern often have a “diversity officer”. Why is that role always done by a woman?

Because it is cheaper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do boobs keep to themselves?

Because they have the company of their breast friend!!

Don’t you hate it when people ask you a question just so they can answer it themselves?

Because I do

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do Grammar Nazis promote themselves?

Properganda

It's irritating when students get ahead of themselves...

These days many college students assume that they're doing the job already. That's not how it works, you need to get the certification, or get the job.

Engineering students shouldn't call themselves engineers

Medical students shouldn't call themselves doctors

Law students shoul...

Two well endowed gentlemen needed to relieve themselves in a great hurry on a dark and rainy night

They were standing dockside so decided to pee into the harbor several feet below. Midstream, one turns to the other and says, waters cold tonight. The other replies, and deep.

Guys who call themselves "alpha males" stand true to their name.

They have the lowest rate of penetration.

Now that vehicles are driving themselves...

It won't be long until a country singer writes a song about their truck leaving them too.

yesterday on the street I saw 2 guys vaccinating themselves

It must have been their second shot because they looked woozy pretty soon afterwards

What do you call someone who is multilayered but so full of themselves?

Matryoshka

TIL: Ropes can pass through themselves

Ohh wait they can knot.

What do the cultists of Elmer's Glue refer to themselves as?

Adherents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A russian and an american find themselves in hell in front of Satan.

Satan: "We have two kinds of hell here: american hell and russian hell, which one do you choose?".

American: "What's the difference?"

Satan: "In american hell you have to eat one bucket of shit every day, while in russian hell you have to eat two buckets of shit every day."

Ame...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do elephants camouflage themselves in the jungle?

They paint their balls pink and hide up cherry tree's.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

Giraffes eating the berries.

Three vampires challenge themselves to a blood drink off

The first one comes back, 10 minutes later, lips bloodied proud of himself.
The two others ask him how he got so much blood, so the vampire points towards a corpse drain of all it’s blood only to say: you see that girl, yep, that’s her blood!

The second vampire turns into a bat and leaves...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.

fuck u/spez -- mass edited with redact.dev

Two husbands were talking among themselves.

The first one said proudly, "My wife's an angel."

To which the second one replied, "You are lucky, mine is still alive."

Procrastinators are constantly mad at themselves about how they keep procrastinating and telling themselves that they'll "do better tomorrow"

But that's a story for another day

What do you call someone who puts a picture of themselves in a locket?

Independent

What do you call a Norse god who doesn't draw much attention to themselves?

Low Key.......!

An American and a Russian freeze themselves for a 100 years

....taking a bet whose country will be doing better in the future. So they enter the cryo chamber and go to sleep. When they wake up, they buy a newspaper. The Russian takes it and as he reads the headline, he starts smiling.
"The communist party wins the U.S. Elections for the fifth time in a r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do turtles say to themselves to calm down?

My 7 yr old: dad, I made up a joke and it’s really funny.
Me: ok hit me.
Her: what do turtles say to themselves to calm down?
Me: mmm I dunno, what?
Her: “in through your nose, out through your butt.”
Me: …
Her: …
Me: …
Her: turtles breathe through their butts, dad.
Me: oh...

How do fish weigh themselves?

On scales of course!

Why do fishmongers keep all the profit for themselves?

Because they sel fish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asks, “What is this, father?”

The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.”

While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and...

Why do British people call themselves “Bri ish”

Because they drank the t

I ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together...

It was very confusing.

What do mathematicians often ask themselves?

"Step-function, what are you doing?"

What do you call a large group of spoon bending psychics that all wet themselves?

A Uri-nation

Why don’t dangerous criminals ever take photos of themselves?

Because they pose a threat

Three blondes die in a car crash and find themselves at the Pearly Gates in front of Saint Peter.

He says, "Before I let you into Heaven you have to answer one question. What is Easter?"

"Oh," says the first blonde. "That's that time in the fall when you go door to door collecting candy."

"No," says Peter. "That's Halloween."

"Oh," says the second blonde. "That'...

Yo mamas so ugly

Her portraits hang themselves

What do you call someone who invites themselves over, unannounced, and wants to work out with you?

A Jehovah Fitness.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two pornstars get sent home from a mission trip in Africa, after they were caught filming themselves having sex.

Their response: "What? They said it was missionary work."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always tell my customers to go fuck themselves!

I'm a sex toys sales person.

What do you call a person who keeps all the seafood to themselves?

Shellfish

How does a Millennial weight themselves?

In Instagrams

eta: yes, I saw the typo in the subject, about .01 after I hit "post", of course. Oh well! C'est la vie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does one most accurately weigh themselves?

When they aren't full of shit.

What do you call someone who is too afraid of calling themselves left or right wing?

A chicken wing.

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking bette...

A man and a woman find themselves sharing a sleeping car on a train.

In the middle of the night, the woman wakes the man up and says "Hey! Will you go get me another blanket? I'm freezing!"

The man smiles and says, "I have a better idea. Why don't you and I, just for tonight, pretend we're married?"

The woman thinks about it, and with a devlish grin, sh...

How do sceptics introduce themselves?

"I don't believe we've met..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a very unattractive person who hands out naked photos of themselves?

A bearer of bad nudes.

How did the GOP shoot themselves in the foot?

With a Cult 45.

***
Also works with, “How does a democracy die?”, etc.

Sorry if someone already thought of this, thought it was clever and didn’t see it after a quick glance.

Name 3 things that don't hang themselves

Pictures, Drywall and Jeffrey Epstein

How do breweries defend themselves?

Deschutes

Y'know how ants will sacrifice themselves to form a bridge?

I read that when ants approach an obstacle such as water/oil/etc they will sacrifice themselves and form a chain to create a bridge across said obstacle. The coolest part to me is that the males specifically line up to form the bridge and protect the females. Apparently this is because they are not ...

Some people cry themselves to sleep, but not me

I'm an insomniac

A band should name themselves "rubber"

So they'll be known as the rubber band.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Incels should go fuck themselves!

Literally no one else will.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I knew a scientist who successfully cloned themselves for the sole purpose of having a sexual partner.

We were friends up to that point. I told him, "You do you."

If Muppets everywhere started walking and talking by themselves, that would be quite the...

Phenomena! *doot dooo doo doo do*

how do frogs kill themselves?

They kermit suicide

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?

They don’t hang themselves.

Happy Halloween

My wife told me robots don't wash themselves.

So I put one in the bath and said "that'll shower"

My friend is going around telling everyone that I said the Russians are really proud of themselves for conquering Chernobyl…

No, I corrected, I just said they were glowing!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher has students introduce themselves on the first day of school.

Teacher: Good morning, class. I’ll call on you, one by one, and you can tell us your name and maybe what your dad or your mom does for a living. You, please, over at this end.

Small Boy: My name is Emmett and my dad is a mechanic.

Teacher: A mechanic! Thank you, Emmett. Next?

S...

I love races that finish themselves

terrorist wins

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

What do you call a group of guys who lie about telling funny dad jokes but aren't fathers themselves?

faux pas

A recent poll found that just over 40% of Americans consider themselves political pundits.

This is interesting, because the same poll found that just under 15% of Americans know what the word pundit means.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently gained the power to make others crap themselves.

Ever since then, everybody has been losing their shit.

Why do Germans keep their problems to themselves?

Because the last time a German talked about his struggles it didn't end well.

The first people to invest themselves in Apple

were Adam and Eve

Some people from Britain call themselves "Bri-ish" because

After the incident in Boston Harbor they need to hide their T

What do bottoms use to kill themselves

a-noose

There were these two trees that lived in the middle of a meadow, all by themselves, one, a birch, the other, a beech...

Having nothing much else to do to pass the time, they engaged in frequent conversation with each other about whatever tickled their fancy.

Well, one year, a sapling took root between the two trees and having not much else to talk about, they argued about the sapling for years.

"It's a ...

In theory if rich countries sent poor countries enough boostraps, they could pull themselves out of poverty

By selling them

Why does nobody do anything for themselves anymore?

Asking for a friend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men find themselves at the pearly gates.

The first one approaches Saint peter. "Welcome to heaven's highways my friend" Peter says, "let me ask you, have you ever committed adultery or cheated on your spouse?". The first man admits there was one woman he had dated a while ago, but he apologized to his wife and ended it pretty quickly. Pete...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"This term," said the English teacher, "we will be studying 'The Canterbury Tales' "

"But," she added, "to anticipate a question I get every year -- this will not include *The Nun's Priest's Tale*"

"Why not?" asked one of the pupils. The teacher's features shaped themselves into an expression of sour disapproval.

"Because," she answered, "*The Nun's Priest's Tale* is l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

I joined a debate club today, when I arrived everyone was pleasuring themselves

They were mass debating.

What would an Absurdist do to blend themselves?

Use a Camus-flage.

(I’m sorry I had to)

God helps those who help themselves.

To other people’s money.

It has been proven that people who talk to themselves are smarter.

At least, that's what I tell myself.

The members of the newly-formed Justice League were introducing themselves to each other.

S: “I’m Superman; I can fly, move at super speed, and have super strength.”

B: “I’m Batman; I’m the world’s greatest detective, master of many martial arts, and have gadgets that can do almost anything.”

GL: “I’m Green Lantern; my emerald bling can create constructs of anything I can i...

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

Why dont astronauts have to clean up after themselves?

Cause space is a vaccum

LGBT should rename themselves BLTG.

It's more tasteful.

Staggering how people conceal themselves!

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I have been his customer for 6 years and I have no idea that he was a barber!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms ...

I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

http://imgur.com/gallery/8u6m2Nv

How do Italian mosquitoes introduce themselves?

It's a me, Malario!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What Do Twitter Users Call Themselves?

Twats.

What do blondes put behind their ears to make themselves more attractive?

Their ankles

What are three things that don’t hang themselves?

Picture frames, drywall & Jeffery Epstien.

So, a physicist finds themselves conversing with their god

"God, " they inquired, "how does time work for you?"

God replies, "Everything is a part of me. To compare, 1 of your minutes is but a billionth of 1 of my own."

The physicist thinks for a bit and then queries further, "God, do you use such a scale for everything?"

God nods, "Yes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her parents.

This is a German joke, but I think I found a way to translate it:

A girl wants to introduce her new boyfriend to her parents.
He knocks on the door and the parents together open the door and introduce themselves: "Hi, my name is Sarah and this is my husband Michael, nice to meet you!".
...

Sometimes I wonder if the entire world is full of defensive, conceited douchebags who can't laugh at themselves...

Then I read some Reddit comments and I'm almost certain of it.

What do the Canadian Illuminati call themselves?

The Illuminat-Eh!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa always told us the story about how he made a dozen German troops shit themselves in WWII.

He was probably the worst cook the Reich had.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Nuns are tasked with painting a room.

Two nuns are tasked with painting a bedroom. They are concerned about getting paint all over their outfits, so they lock themselves inside and strip out of them and begin painting in their underwear. All is going well until there is a knock at the door. “Who is it?” They ask. “Blind man,” is the rep...

Pureflix is known as the Christian Netflix. They missed a big opportunity by not calling themselves...

**...Cruciflix**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man walks into a bar with an octopus

He says "I bet anyone $50 they can't bring me a musical instrument this octopus can't play."

People in the bar look around, talk amongst themselves, and someone brings up an acoustic guitar. The octopus looks at the guitar, tests the strings, tunes it, and begins playing a country song.
...

Why are mathematicians so full of themselves?

They think they count.

Who lies about their names spelling every time they introduce themselves?

Noel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I prefer guys who make small dick jokes about themselves over those who make big dick jokes about themselves."

"Well, I have a medium dick. It can talk to ghosts."

How did Papa John's rebrand themselves following the racial scandal?

Uncle Tom's

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a horny baker use to pleasure themselves?

They use a Dill-Dough

One day in April, three blondes died at the same time and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"All three of you have sinned your whole lives," said St. Peter. "Normally, I would send you straight to hell. But since it's near Easter, if you can tell me what Easter is, I will let you into heaven."

"I know what Easter is!" said the first blonde. "Easter is when you dress up as something ...

Kids from this new generation are just lazy, can’t do anything for themselves, cry all the time, and expect other people to do everything for them.

My daughter is already doing this and she’s only three months old.

How does a radical muslim clean themselves?

A bath bomb.

Mary and Joseph had nobody but themselves to blame for having to spend the night in a stable

They should have known it will be impossible to get last minute accommodation on Christmas.

Criminals who work in groups should be proud of themselves.

They’ve accompliced a lot.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.