UPJOKE
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I asked my acupuncturist to use smaller needles this time, but they ignored me.

I’ve never felt so stabbed in the back.

What’s giggling, red, and gets smaller by the minute?

A masochist with a cheese grater

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

What is smaller than an atom?

Answer: half an atom.
BOOM. This blew your mind.

What is it called when someone steals a large frying pan from a smaller classmate?

Taking a long wok off a short peer.

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The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.

Maybe that’s why everyone is so scared of clowns.

I've come to learn that every groupchat has a separate, smaller groupchat, just without the annoying people.

If you think yours doesn't, then i have some bad news.

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A Mexican, a Spaniard and an American are all travelling in a plane

When suddenly, the plane crashed onto a small island. The three emerged from the crash remains and noticed they're the only survivors.

They quickly organized and started gathering materials to survive when suddenly, a group of native cannibals surrounded them with spears and took them to the...

A family is visiting a museum in the US

Soon, they see two skeletons and the father asks the museum guide:

\- Whose skeleton is this?

\- This is the George Washington's skeleton.

\- Oh, and that smaller skeleton?

\- That's George Washington's skeleton as a child.

Babies

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

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A couple goes to Spain......

A couple goes to Spain for a vacation. After a full day they decide to go to a nice restaurant. As they’re seated at their table, they notice the couple next to them gets served with a platter with two of the largest meatballs they had ever seen. They called the waiter over to ask what the dish is. ...

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Cashier: that’ll be $19.99

Me: *pulls out a $50*

Cashier: sorry we’ve been having problems with counterfeit money… Have anything smaller?

Me: Sure! *pulls out a $30*

Hooker and the Cab Driver

A hooker hails a cab in NYC.

The cabbie says "where to mam"?

The hooker says "going home" gives him the address and they speed off.

After fighting through traffic for an hour, he finally gets her home; turns to her

and says "that'll be $80 please".

The hooker say...

So I noticed my wife put on some weight lately

For her birthday I got her a dress 2 sizes smaller with a note “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this” thinking this might motivate her.

The next day, I found the exact same note for me except it was on a pack of large sized condoms.

A miser tried to shoplift for a few smaller items

She was arrested for a salt and battery

Did you hear about the family who hired a moving van to move their other, smaller moving van?

Yeah. There's a lot to unpack there.

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Having big boobs is overrated

So, I myself have big boobs and I have no idea why people wish they had big boobs so badly. They're so annoying and don't look good and I've even been mocked for the size of my boobs. I wish I had small boobs and would happily exchange mine for smaller boobs, especially since I'm a dude.

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Guy has a really bad stutter.

Guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “ doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find. The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge cock, the doctor says that’s the problem...

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Some dumbass once asked me how my dick got so big, so I told him I rubbed grease on it. 2 weeks later he comes back complaining that it's smaller. "What did you use?" I say. He said "Crisco."

I said "Crisco? Shit man, that's shortening!"

What did a big flower tell its smaller flower friend..?

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"Hey Bud.."

Name the smaller rivers that run into the Nile

The Juveniles

There are two possibilities for words that mean "final part" or "smaller amount".

The possibilities are: end, less.

I’m writing a rock song about a guy out at sea, looking down at another guy’s smaller yacht.

I’m going to call it “smirk on the water”.

What mountain is just smaller than Mt. Everest?

Mt. Everer

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A man walks into a pub in Ireland...

After downing several pints, he heads to the loo to take a huge piss.

At the urinal next to him, there's a really short guy, wearing all green, with a top hat and a pipe. He takes a quick peek and sees the short guy has a huge dick.

Irish guy is drunk and decides to say, "I'd do anythi...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

What do you call a smaller than average dog?

A subwoofer

What's the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear?

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear confrontations, the Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and be alert for bears while in the field. …We advise that outdoorsmen wear small bells on their clothing so as not to startle b...

I’m not sure where to report this, but someone broke into my house during the lockdown and replaced all my pants, with smaller pants. Every single pair. I’m not sure what kind of sicko gets off on this...

But you need to take a good long look in the mirror, cuz you’re going to get your just desserts, weight and see buddy I’m on the look out for you.

Haven't you ever seen a Naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothers ...

If baby grand pianos just smaller versions of grand pianos, shouldn't they just be called...

pianos?

After extensive research I've come to the conclusion that 10 is smaller than 5!

I finally understand factorials!

Trump hears Obama got a smaller crowd than him

"Really? What was he doing?" Trump asks gleefully

"Ordering breakfast at McDonalds drive thru." His aide said.

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

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A man had a 25 inch dick and wanted it smaller. So he visited a witch in the woods. She said if he wants it smaller then he'd have to go further and find the talking frog. Then he must ask the frog to marry him and when the frog says "no" it'll shrink 5 inches.

Once he found it, he says, "Will you marry me?", but the frog says "No".

It shrunk 5 inches and he was amazed but it was still too big. Again he asked, "Will you marry me?"

"NO!", the frog yells. Now it shrunk 5 more inches but he thought 15 inches was still too big. He decided 10 woul...

What's the difference between a Mosque and a Mosquito?

The mosquito is smaller.

”What doesn’t kill you, makes you smaller.”

-Mario

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What is a penis?

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mom calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and asks him, "What ...

A man wakes and finds he is shrinking, getting smaller and smaller

He immediately panics gets dressed and runs out the door.

He try’s to get a cab but he’s getting smaller and smaller and he can’t flag one down.

So he takes off on foot and runs toward the hospital while getting smaller and smaller.

He makes it to the hospital and sees there is ...

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Two turtles walk into a bar.

As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain. The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says - Go home and get the umbrella.

Small Turtle - I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.

Two hours pass.......

Big Turtle - Well. I guess he's not coming back. May as well drink ...

What gets heavier as it gets smaller?

A coffin.

A shrinking man visits his doctor yelling, "Doctor! Doctor! I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller!!!"

His Doctor replies, "Now now, I can't fix things right away, you'll just have to be a little patient."

What sits in front of the mirror and gets smaller and smaller?

My self esteem.

My wife bought condoms in a smaller size than she used to...

It was condom-cending.

It took a pandemic for us to start cherishing the smaller things in life

That's what my girlfriend did

Have you considered pouring your alcohol into smaller glasses?

You should try, it’s worth a shot.

What do you call a noodle bowl that was accidentally made much smaller than intended?

A pho cup

What's 1024 times smaller than a pterodactyl?

A pgigadactyl!

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Why are smaller breasts better for breastfeeding?

They're more of a kids meal.

The periodic table just got one block smaller

Scientists now say Plutonium is not a real element

Levi’s is sueing a smaller company over pants

It’s because they tried to sell bootleg jeans

I wanted to buy a smaller roof for my struggling business,

but there was too much overhead

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Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist....

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the country’s chief ornithologists. Credited with discovering and describing over 200 different bird species, he spent most of his life hopping from island to island, describing the wildlife, and moving to...

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A fisherman catches a golden fish

A fisherman catches a golden fish, and when he was about to put the fish into the net, the fish speaks to him:
- I will fulfill a single wish of yours so please let me go.
- Interesting, let me think a bit.

After few minutes of silence the fisherman continues:
- My country is poor an...

Trump has been looking smaller and smaller lately.

He's on the low-fact diet.

Waiter: Don't any of you guys have smaller bills?

Pa pelican: [dignified] We're as God made us, Sir

A huge bloke decked in full hunting gear and with an entire dead wildebeest over his shoulder made his way to Nairobi airport.

As he approached the desk the airline attendant noted the wildebeest carcass but more alarmingly noticed that the suitcase he was dragging was bulging sporadically and clearly contained something large and very much alive. Feeling slightly nervous but determined to do his job the attendant challeng...

What are those spinny things that smaller airplanes use to move?

Props to whoever can answer this.

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A guy was on vacation in Mexico and he went to see the bullfights.

When it was over he went to a nearby restaurant. The waiter recited the menu and then said, "Since today there was a bullfight, we also have fresh testicles on the menu if you'd like to try them."

The guy was always up for something new so he ordered them. They arrived and they were absolutel...

What’s smaller than a teeny, weenie fly?

A fly’s teeny weenie.

There was a man who swore he was getting smaller.

[spoilers](#s) Everyday, his height decreases by an inch. Alarmed, he visits the doctor immediately, and asks the secretary to squeeze him in.

"Surely, sir. The doctor will be here any minute. You just have to sit down and be a little patient."

What gets louder as it gets smaller?

A baby in a trash compactor.

Wendy’s has the Baconator and a smaller Baconator called Son of Baconator

There is also a secret menu item called Stepson of Baconator where Wendy’s finds a burger and ignores it for 10 years while banging its mom.

A short and ugly man had another unsuccessful date

In frustration, he slammed the table he was sitting at. “I can’t live like this anymore!” he screamed. “Life is too cruel to people like me!”

His waitress saw this outburst and came by.
“Don’t despair, sir. There’s a group of people who are physically smaller than average and heavily scr...

Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it

Trying to get into smaller pants

Got anything smaller?

I was at the store today and handed the clerk a $20 bill.

He handed it back and asked if I had anything smaller.

So I folded the $20 bill in half and handed it back to him.

"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..."

Me explaining underwear to aliens.

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An individual walks into a restaurants, orders and eats his meal

"That'll be $13.45." says the waiter.

The individual pulls out a $50 bill.

"Sorry, we've had issues with counterfeit money lately. Do you have any smaller bills?" asks the waiter.

"Sure, no problem.." The individual pulls out a $25 bill, pays with it and leaves.

Apple was going to make a smaller version of the ipod touch for kids,

until they realized the name iTouch Kids wasnt an acceptable name.

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Dicks Sporting Goods stores have all have a summer sports section in their parking lot that is packed up in the winter months, making the stores a bit smaller.

Meaning Dicks shrink when it's cold.

I named my eraser Confidence

Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make

Opporknockity

James was a talented pianist, but just wasn't top tier in his talent. He had plenty of smaller venue gigs, but every time he auditioned for large concerts, he was softly rejected as being "so close, but the other person was just a tad better".

One day he was at a carnival, and for laughs he w...

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They say porn makes your dick smaller

Don't trust me? Look at Asian they have fast internet, and Africa has no internet

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A nun decides before she dies she wants to have sex

So she asks a woman for advice, the woman tells her she wants to find a man that has a big dick. The nun says how will I know if a man has a big dick just by looking at him? The woman tells the nun you can tell by the shoe size. The nun searches the city to find the man with the biggest shoes in tow...

Did you guys hear about the serial killer who's using smaller and smaller socks to strangle each new victim?

Be careful, they say he's still at large.

What did the big chimney say to the smaller chimney?

You're too young to be smoking!

Seems like the more I play with it, the smaller it gets...

...but I just never feel satisfied with my stock portfolio.

When I'm stressed I like to draw a line of trees, getting smaller as they reach the horizon

It really puts things in perspective

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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are calle...

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The Corporate Ladder

A recent study in USA have found an interesting relationship between a man social status and the sport he watches

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employee is BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is Ame...

What it is called when u put smaller size tires on wider rims?

Stupidity. It's called stupidity

Did you hear about the criminal who wanted to lose weight to fit into smaller clothes?

Last I heard, he was still at large.

What's smaller than a teenie weenie ant?

An ant's teenie weenie!

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A UFO crashes on a farm

A loud noise is heard outside of a remote farm house and startles a middle-aged farmer and his wife. The farmer walks out to see a UFO. He walks up to the UFO and find out the aliens are peaceful, completely naked and have fairly human bodies. The farmer attempts to communicate with them and the ali...

A passenger at an airport in New York was at the counter

-I'm going California for business, I want to go to Los Angeles, I want to send the big suitcase in my right hand to San Francisco and the smaller suitcase on ground to San Diego.

-Excuse me sir, but I'm afraid that's not possible, we can't do that.

-Great then, because that's what you...

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There was a man named Ray Berkowitz who, unfortunately for him, was not blessed in the looks department.

For a long time, he thought he would never meet a woman. But one day he met a nice woman who was also far from pretty and they ended up getting married... and she got pregnant.

They decided that if it was a boy, they were going to name him Charles.

One day while Ray was out of town for...

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

A bear dad and a bear mum are getting worried as they found their cub doesn't like meat...

So, the dad showed him how to catch salmons from a river, roared, and bite them with his sharp teeth.

Showing no interest at all, the cub turned to his mum.

The mum then showed him how to chase a rabbit, grabbed the rabbit on its neck, and bite on it.

The cub seems e...

Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pla...

A young woman takes a taxi across town...

When they get to her destination the driver checks the flag fare and says "$35 please."

The woman says "I'm sorry, I haven't got any money"

The annoyed driver looks over the back seat to see the young lady pull up her skirt to reveal she's not wearing any panties.

"Perhaps we ca...

A shipwrecked mariner has spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone.

Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him: “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still...

An Emperor wanted to prove that he was greater than Alexander the Great

So he visited an elderly Council of Historians who had the power to write an Emperor's legacy after his time and spread his fame far and wide.

He asked them, "O Great Historians, what made Alexander a Great King? I wish to be greater than him and the greatest in human history"

And he ...

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There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

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Weight loss center

Fat guy walks into a radical new weight loss center, that guarantees results.

Receptionist: How many pounds do you want to lose today?
Guy: Today?! Yeah, right, let's say 2.
Receptionist: 1st floor please, room 12, you have 3 hours.

He walks in a large empty room, sees a beauti...

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