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Smaller Jokes

There is a new serial killer in town who strangles his victims using smaller and smaller T-shirts.

The cops are saying that he’s still at Large.

A shrinking man visits his doctor yelling, "Doctor! Doctor! I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller!!!"

His Doctor replies, "Now now, I can't fix things right away, you'll just have to be a little patient."

Smaller babies are always delivered by stork...

but the heavier ones need to be delivered by **crane**.

What is smaller than an atom?

Answer: half an atom.
BOOM. This blew your mind.

A man wakes and finds he is shrinking, getting smaller and smaller

He immediately panics gets dressed and runs out the door.

He try’s to get a cab but he’s getting smaller and smaller and he can’t flag one down.

So he takes off on foot and runs toward the hospital while getting smaller and smaller.

He makes it to the hospital and sees there is ...

i recently got a newer, smaller bucket to replace my old one

it really pails in comparison

What’s giggling, red, and gets smaller by the minute?

A masochist with a cheese grater

Trump has been looking smaller and smaller lately.

He's on the low-fact diet.

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cashier: that’ll be $19.99

Me: *pulls out a $50*

Cashier: sorry we’ve been having problems with counterfeit money… Have anything smaller?

Me: Sure! *pulls out a $30*

Any more oxymorons?

* Only choice
* Civil war
* Definite possibility
* Grow smaller
* Random order
* Old news
* True fiction
* Virtual reality
* Working vacation
* Exact estimate
* Original copies
* Pretty ugly
* Fully empty

What sits in front of the mirror and gets smaller and smaller?

My self esteem.

Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it

Trying to get into smaller pants

I asked my acupuncturist to use smaller needles this time, but they ignored me.

I’ve never felt so stabbed in the back.

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

”What doesn’t kill you, makes you smaller.”

-Mario

Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

A miser tried to shoplift for a few smaller items

She was arrested for a salt and battery

I've come to learn that every groupchat has a separate, smaller groupchat, just without the annoying people.

If you think yours doesn't, then i have some bad news.

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Why are smaller breasts better for breastfeeding?

They're more of a kids meal.

What mountain is just smaller than Mt. Everest?

Mt. Everer

Name the smaller rivers that run into the Nile

The Juveniles

I named my eraser Confidence

Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make

What's 1024 times smaller than a pterodactyl?

A pgigadactyl!

What is it called when someone steals a large frying pan from a smaller classmate?

Taking a long wok off a short peer.

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Having big boobs is overrated

So, I myself have big boobs and I have no idea why people wish they had big boobs so badly. They're so annoying and don't look good and I've even been mocked for the size of my boobs. I wish I had small boobs and would happily exchange mine for smaller boobs, especially since I'm a dude.

After extensive research I've come to the conclusion that 10 is smaller than 5!

I finally understand factorials!

What did a big flower tell its smaller flower friend..?

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"Hey Bud.."

What do you call a smaller than average dog?

A subwoofer

Trump hears Obama got a smaller crowd than him

"Really? What was he doing?" Trump asks gleefully

"Ordering breakfast at McDonalds drive thru." His aide said.

Got anything smaller?

I was at the store today and handed the clerk a $20 bill.

He handed it back and asked if I had anything smaller.

So I folded the $20 bill in half and handed it back to him.

A duck and a dog have a baby together. The baby duck-dog was smaller than a proton. You know what sound it made?

Quark-quark!

Have you considered pouring your alcohol into smaller glasses?

You should try, it’s worth a shot.

There are two possibilities for words that mean "final part" or "smaller amount".

The possibilities are: end, less.

Did you guys hear about the serial killer who's using smaller and smaller socks to strangle each new victim?

Be careful, they say he's still at large.

Two blind pilots enter a plane

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pl...

Levi’s is sueing a smaller company over pants

It’s because they tried to sell bootleg jeans

Due to the economic crisis, my dad decides to save money this year by shopping for a smaller Christmas tree. As he proudly places it on the checkout desk the cashier asks...

"Are you going to put this little tree up yourself sir?", to which my dad answers, "No I'm not you filthy animal! I'm going to put it in the living room!!"

What’s smaller than a teeny, weenie fly?

A fly’s teeny weenie.

Waiter: Don't any of you guys have smaller bills?

Pa pelican: [dignified] We're as God made us, Sir

What gets louder as it gets smaller?

A baby in a trash compactor.

My wife bought condoms in a smaller size than she used to...

It was condom-cending.

If baby grand pianos just smaller versions of grand pianos, shouldn't they just be called...

pianos?

I wanted to buy a smaller roof for my struggling business,

but there was too much overhead

Did you hear about the family who hired a moving van to move their other, smaller moving van?

Yeah. There's a lot to unpack there.

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They say porn makes your dick smaller

Don't trust me? Look at Asian they have fast internet, and Africa has no internet

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A nun decides before she dies she wants to have sex

So she asks a woman for advice, the woman tells her she wants to find a man that has a big dick. The nun says how will I know if a man has a big dick just by looking at him? The woman tells the nun you can tell by the shoe size. The nun searches the city to find the man with the biggest shoes in tow...

There was a man who swore he was getting smaller.

[spoilers](#s) Everyday, his height decreases by an inch. Alarmed, he visits the doctor immediately, and asks the secretary to squeeze him in.

"Surely, sir. The doctor will be here any minute. You just have to sit down and be a little patient."

I’m writing a rock song about a guy out at sea, looking down at another guy’s smaller yacht.

I’m going to call it “smirk on the water”.

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

What do you call a noodle bowl that was accidentally made much smaller than intended?

A pho cup

What are those spinny things that smaller airplanes use to move?

Props to whoever can answer this.

What's smaller than a teenie weenie ant?

An ant's teenie weenie!

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What is a penis?

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mom calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and asks him, "What ...

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A man has a 25 inch long penis

And he thinks it is way too big, and he looks for ways to make it smaller. One day, he finds out about a witch in the woods who can solve his problem.

When he went to the witch, she told him to look for a frog by the stream and ask the frog to have sex with him. The frog will say no, and his ...

Wendy’s has the Baconator and a smaller Baconator called Son of Baconator

There is also a secret menu item called Stepson of Baconator where Wendy’s finds a burger and ignores it for 10 years while banging its mom.

"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..."

Me explaining underwear to aliens.

What did the big chimney say to the smaller chimney?

You're too young to be smoking!

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While on vacation in Mexico, a guy went to see the bullfights.

When it was over he went to a nearby restaurant. The waiter recited the menu and then said, "Since today there was a bullfight, we also have fresh testicles on the menu if you'd like to try them."

The guy was always up for something new so he ordered them. They arrived and they were absolutel...

Seems like the more I play with it, the smaller it gets...

...but I just never feel satisfied with my stock portfolio.

So I noticed my wife put on some weight lately

For her birthday I got her a dress 2 sizes smaller with a note “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this” thinking this might motivate her.

The next day, I found the exact same note for me except it was on a pack of large sized condoms.

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

What it is called when u put smaller size tires on wider rims?

Stupidity. It's called stupidity

Apple was going to make a smaller version of the ipod touch for kids,

until they realized the name iTouch Kids wasnt an acceptable name.

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A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Spain

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

It looked good.

It smelled good.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's te...

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Guy has a really bad stutter.

Guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “ doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find. The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge cock, the doctor says that’s the problem...

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Sports of Choice

The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

The sport of choice for m...

Did you hear about the criminal who wanted to lose weight to fit into smaller clothes?

Last I heard, he was still at large.

When I'm stressed I like to draw a line of trees, getting smaller as they reach the horizon

It really puts things in perspective

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

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There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog...

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Some dumbass once asked me how my dick got so big, so I told him I rubbed grease on it. 2 weeks later he comes back complaining that it's smaller. "What did you use?" I say. He said "Crisco."

I said "Crisco? Shit man, that's shortening!"

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Sport Balls

At age 25 men play basketball
At age 40 men play tennis
At age 60 men play golf

The moral of the story is the older you get the smaller your balls get

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Dicks Sporting Goods stores have all have a summer sports section in their parking lot that is packed up in the winter months, making the stores a bit smaller.

Meaning Dicks shrink when it's cold.

Since the Industrial Revolution, steel has been a commodity traded on the international market.

If you want to buy some steel, you go to a broker, and he cuts you a deal and you get however many tons of steel you want without necessarily ever making contact with the foundry.

Before the Industrial Revolution, things were on a much smaller scale, and if you wanted to buy steel you had to ...

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Thumbelina, Snow White, and Stalker 2 were walking through the forest

Thumbelina, Snow White, and Stalker 2 are walking through the forest.

Thumbelina says, “I'm the smallest in the world.”

Snow White says, “And I'm the most beautiful in the world.”

Stalker 2 says, “I'm the most anticipated game.”

They keep walking and walking until they fi...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

What’s the difference between the Capitol building and a clown car?

A clown car is smaller and has wheels.

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

Dog asks cat, "We sorta look similar, have four legs and are both furry, you even are a bit smaller. Why in the hell do you have so much respect but I don't?"

Cat: "You 'bow' while me 'owe'."

Gambling brought my family closer together.

We had to buy a smaller house.

Inside every Russian woman…

…is another, much smaller, Russian woman.

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An individual walks into a restaurants, orders and eats his meal

"That'll be $13.45." says the waiter.

The individual pulls out a $50 bill.

"Sorry, we've had issues with counterfeit money lately. Do you have any smaller bills?" asks the waiter.

"Sure, no problem.." The individual pulls out a $25 bill, pays with it and leaves.

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Frank and Pete are playing outside

Frank asks Pete: hey Pete -, do you know what a penis is?

Pete thinks about it but doesnt know either.. :"i'll quickly ask my dad - he knows everything.

Pete finds his dad in the kitchen and asks;, "Daddy, what exactly is a penis?"

His dad is kinda overstrained and struggles to...

Moore’s law states that the density of transistors doubles every two years.

This is usually done by making them smaller.

Therefore, less is Moore’s

A naked lady walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey

He slowly pours her a drink while he stares her up and down, from head to toe. The lady then asks for another shot of whiskey. The bartender continues to look at her intently. Annoyed, the lady says to him, what’s the matter haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before? The bartender responds, of cour...

Is he cheap?

He'd marry a thin girl because she could wear a smaller sized engagement ring.



Source: 1913 newspaper

Correct Change

Two counterfeiters are making some fake bills. They've had a few drinks, so quality control is a little off. They accidentally make a whole stack of $15 bills.

"What the hell are we gonna do now? We wasted all this time and resources making these" one of them says.

"I know", ...

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