What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

I've come to learn that every groupchat has a separate, smaller groupchat, just without the annoying people.

If you think yours doesn't, then i have some bad news.

A miser tried to shoplift for a few smaller items

She was arrested for a salt and battery

I’m writing a rock song about a guy out at sea, looking down at another guy’s smaller yacht.

I’m going to call it “smirk on the water”.

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What is a penis?

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mom calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and asks him, "What ...

Did you hear about the family who hired a moving van to move their other, smaller moving van?

Yeah. There's a lot to unpack there.

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

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The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.

Maybe that’s why everyone is so scared of clowns.

What did a big flower tell its smaller flower friend..?

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"Hey Bud.."

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Some dumbass once asked me how my dick got so big, so I told him I rubbed grease on it. 2 weeks later he comes back complaining that it's smaller. "What did you use?" I say. He said "Crisco."

I said "Crisco? Shit man, that's shortening!"

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An individual walks into a restaurants, orders and eats his meal

"That'll be $13.45." says the waiter.

The individual pulls out a $50 bill.

"Sorry, we've had issues with counterfeit money lately. Do you have any smaller bills?" asks the waiter.

"Sure, no problem.." The individual pulls out a $25 bill, pays with it and leaves.

A passenger at an airport in New York was at the counter

-I'm going California for business, I want to go to Los Angeles, I want to send the big suitcase in my right hand to San Francisco and the smaller suitcase on ground to San Diego.

-Excuse me sir, but I'm afraid that's not possible, we can't do that.

-Great then, because that's what you...

There are two possibilities for words that mean "final part" or "smaller amount".

The possibilities are: end, less.

What mountain is just smaller than Mt. Everest?

Mt. Everer

A lot of new social media sites are like some of the jokes on this sub:

Smaller, more condensed and ultimately worse than the original they ripped off

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork

but the heavier ones need a crane.

Name the smaller rivers that run into the Nile

The Juveniles

A young woman takes a taxi across town...

When they get to her destination the driver checks the flag fare and says "$35 please."

The woman says "I'm sorry, I haven't got any money"

The annoyed driver looks over the back seat to see the young lady pull up her skirt to reveal she's not wearing any panties.

"Perhaps we ca...

If baby grand pianos just smaller versions of grand pianos, shouldn't they just be called...

pianos?

What do you call a smaller than average dog?

A subwoofer

What's smaller than a teenie weenie flea?

A flea's teenie weenie.

Trump hears Obama got a smaller crowd than him

"Really? What was he doing?" Trump asks gleefully

"Ordering breakfast at McDonalds drive thru." His aide said.

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Weight loss center

Fat guy walks into a radical new weight loss center, that guarantees results.

Receptionist: How many pounds do you want to lose today?
Guy: Today?! Yeah, right, let's say 2.
Receptionist: 1st floor please, room 12, you have 3 hours.

He walks in a large empty room, sees a beauti...

The Cheap Businessman

After traveling on business, Tim thinks it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asks the cosmetics clerk. She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.
"That’s a bit much," says Tim, so she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars.
"That’s st...

A shipwrecked mariner has spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone.

Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him: “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still...

It took a pandemic for us to start cherishing the smaller things in life

That's what my girlfriend did

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There's a Hispanic porn star who has two penises, each of a different size. The larger one he calls Jose...

The smaller one he calls Hose B.

”What doesn’t kill you, makes you smaller.”

-Mario

After extensive research I've come to the conclusion that 10 is smaller than 5!

I finally understand factorials!

Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pla...

What do you call a noodle bowl that was accidentally made much smaller than intended?

A pho cup

What sits in front of the mirror and gets smaller and smaller?

My self esteem.

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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are calle...

My wife bought condoms in a smaller size than she used to...

It was condom-cending.

I went to a Russian Art museum once...

To my surprise, it had another museum inside, just a little bit smaller.

Inside that one, there was another slightly smaller museum.

Then another,

Then another,

Then another...

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A man had a 25 inch dick and wanted it smaller. So he visited a witch in the woods. She said if he wants it smaller then he'd have to go further and find the talking frog. Then he must ask the frog to marry him and when the frog says "no" it'll shrink 5 inches.

Once he found it, he says, "Will you marry me?", but the frog says "No".

It shrunk 5 inches and he was amazed but it was still too big. Again he asked, "Will you marry me?"

"NO!", the frog yells. Now it shrunk 5 more inches but he thought 15 inches was still too big. He decided 10 woul...

Have you considered pouring your alcohol into smaller glasses?

You should try, it’s worth a shot.

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

The Three Kingdoms of Int

In a faraway land called Int there lay three kingdoms: the Smaller, the Taller, and the Medium. An adventurer by the name of Jawn came to the three kingdoms, looking for the fabled elixir of Blue Milk. Jawn knew that this fabled elixir lay in one of the kingdoms of Int so he went to each kingdom. Ho...

A man wakes and finds he is shrinking, getting smaller and smaller

He immediately panics gets dressed and runs out the door.

He try’s to get a cab but he’s getting smaller and smaller and he can’t flag one down.

So he takes off on foot and runs toward the hospital while getting smaller and smaller.

He makes it to the hospital and sees there is ...

I wanted to buy a smaller roof for my struggling business,

but there was too much overhead

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Twin Switch

A man once dated a woman with a twin. The twins got it into their minds that they could switch places and he would end up having sex unknowingly with her twin.

One night he’s in bed and she turns off the light to make it harder for him to realize their trick. She makes up a last minute excuse...

Waiter: Don't any of you guys have smaller bills?

Pa pelican: [dignified] We're as God made us, Sir

What's 1024 times smaller than a pterodactyl?

A pgigadactyl!

A shrinking man visits his doctor yelling, "Doctor! Doctor! I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller!!!"

His Doctor replies, "Now now, I can't fix things right away, you'll just have to be a little patient."

Levi’s is sueing a smaller company over pants

It’s because they tried to sell bootleg jeans

Whats red and sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller?

A baby playing with a cheese grater

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There was a man named Ray Berkowitz who, unfortunately for him, was not blessed in the looks department.

For a long time he thought he would never meet a woman. But one day he met a nice woman who was also far from pretty and they ended up getting married... and she got pregnant.

They decided that if it was a boy they were gonna name him Charles.

One day while Ray was out of town for work...

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Why are smaller breasts better for breastfeeding?

They're more of a kids meal.

The periodic table just got one block smaller

Scientists now say Plutonium is not a real element

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A nun decides before she dies she wants to have sex

So she asks a woman for advice, the woman tells her she wants to find a man that has a big dick. The nun says how will I know if a man has a big dick just by looking at him? The woman tells the nun you can tell by the shoe size. The nun searches the city to find the man with the biggest shoes in tow...

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An American man walks into a restaurant in Spain and looks at the menu.

He doesn't speak a lick of Spanish, so he defaults to a passing waiter for advice on what to get. "I would recommend the *cojones*," the waiter says. "Our house specialty. The dish is sourced fresh from the bull killed by one of our bullfighters in the ring today."

So the man orders the cojo...

Wendy’s has the Baconator and a smaller Baconator called Son of Baconator

There is also a secret menu item called Stepson of Baconator where Wendy’s finds a burger and ignores it for 10 years while banging its mom.

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American Samurai

There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a blind American. So he interviewed all three.

The emp...

What’s smaller than a teeny, weenie fly?

A fly’s teeny weenie.

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There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

Trump has been looking smaller and smaller lately.

He's on the low-fact diet.

What are those spinny things that smaller airplanes use to move?

Props to whoever can answer this.

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A man goes on vacation to Spain

He enters a restaurant and is greeted by a lovely aroma. The man looks at a table and sees the dish. "what's that?" he asks the waiter. "the dish of the day señor! It is the balls of the bull from this morning's bullfight! An absolute delicacy!"

"heck, I'm adventurous. I'd like to try that." ...

Most people don't realize that rocking a boat can make it smaller

It will become capsized

There was a man who swore he was getting smaller.

[spoilers](#s) Everyday, his height decreases by an inch. Alarmed, he visits the doctor immediately, and asks the secretary to squeeze him in.

"Surely, sir. The doctor will be here any minute. You just have to sit down and be a little patient."

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During the Japanese Occupation, a Malay, a Chinese and an Indian are captured by the Japanese army

The soldiers who capture them bring them to a forest, where they are told to pick 10 of the same fruits and to bring it back to them.

The Malay returns first, with ten rambutans. When he returns, an officer says: "I will stuff these ten rambutans into your anus; make a sound and I will kill y...

Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it

Trying to get into smaller pants

Moore’s law states that the density of transistors doubles every two years.

This is usually done by making them smaller.

Therefore, less is Moore’s

What gets louder as it gets smaller?

A baby in a trash compactor.

"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..."

Me explaining underwear to aliens.

Got anything smaller?

I was at the store today and handed the clerk a $20 bill.

He handed it back and asked if I had anything smaller.

So I folded the $20 bill in half and handed it back to him.

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A Serious Accident

A man wakes up in a hospital after a serious accident. He looks around and sees the doctor coming up to him. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you will be able to walk again without rehabilitation. The bad news is that due to the severity of the accide...

A young man was shopping in a department store. He sees an extremely attractive salesgirl and says, "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife, but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." "Will there be anything else?" the sales girl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

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Dicks Sporting Goods stores have all have a summer sports section in their parking lot that is packed up in the winter months, making the stores a bit smaller.

Meaning Dicks shrink when it's cold.

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

When he gets there, a demon tells him that he has to choose a room that he's going to stay in for the rest of all time.

The first room is big, with a few hundred people standing in piles of shit up to their waists. Other than that, nothing else is happening. They all seem to be having small ...

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is...

advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in ...

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They say porn makes your dick smaller

Don't trust me? Look at Asian they have fast internet, and Africa has no internet

Apple was going to make a smaller version of the ipod touch for kids,

until they realized the name iTouch Kids wasnt an acceptable name.

Fun Facts about ants

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such ...

I named my eraser Confidence

Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make

Did you guys hear about the serial killer who's using smaller and smaller socks to strangle each new victim?

Be careful, they say he's still at large.

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A man sat down to dinner with his three sons.

He looks at Billy and says, “Billy, you fat bastard. Why are you so fat?”

Billy says, “It mommas pasta.”
His fathers says, “You’ve gotta take smaller bites.”

He looks at his son Bobby and says, “Bobby, you fat bastard. Why are you so fat?”

Bobby says, “It mommas pasta.”
H...

What did the big chimney say to the smaller chimney?

You're too young to be smoking!

When I'm stressed I like to draw a line of trees, getting smaller as they reach the horizon

It really puts things in perspective

Seems like the more I play with it, the smaller it gets...

...but I just never feel satisfied with my stock portfolio.

What it is called when u put smaller size tires on wider rims?

Stupidity. It's called stupidity

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I wish my penis was smaller.

Then I could finally disprove the Planck length.

The pot that gave birth

Edit: this joke is from the famous turkish humorous character Nasreddin Hoca. Hope you like.

One day Nasreddin borrows a cooking pot from his neighbor and while returning he puts a smaller pot inside it.

When the neighbor asks what that means, he replies “The pot gave birth and deliver...

An atheist dies and goes to hell...

... The devil greets him there
"Hey! Uhm... Welcome.
Listen, you were born, raised and died an atheist.
So I don't know which specific hell I should put you in.
Tell you what, I'll show you some of the popular hells and let you pick one."

They enter a big gate and head to the nea...

Did you hear about the criminal who wanted to lose weight to fit into smaller clothes?

Last I heard, he was still at large.

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A little old lady was sitting on a park bench when I approached her, opened my raincoat and exposed myself to her. "Hello!" I grinned, pointing to my genitals, "do you know what this is?"

She adjusted her glasses, squinted for a moment and said, "Yes! It looks just like a penis -- only *much* smaller."

A robot walks into a barber shop.

The barber is shaving customer's beard when the robot enters and waves at him. The barber smiles and asks the customer: "See this robot? Guy thinks he's so smart, but lemme show you something. You'll be surprised how dumb these machines actually are."

"Hey, robot, look at me!" the barber says...

A guy walks into an exotic restaurant in Spain

Waiter: "How can I help you?"

Customer: "I'm looking for the most exotic thing you have"

Waiter: "You're in luck, I'll return shortly"

Waiter leaves and returns with a bowl containing something unfamiliar to the customer.

Customer: "What's this?"

Waiter: "Every we...

Taxi driver picks up a hooker. They arrive at her destination & she confesses she doesn’t have any money. She says “Will this do?”

Cabbie looks in his rear view mirror & sees the hooker spreading her legs with no panties on & he says “Got anything smaller?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the similarity between a dick and a McDonald's burger?

They're both smaller and less-filling than advertised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

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Men of 25 play football and . . .

Men of 25 play football, men of 40 play tennis, men of 60 play golf . . .
You notice as you get older, your balls get smaller.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is on vacation in Spain

He goes out to eat one night and notices a man at another table being served a plate of spaghetti with two large meatballs. He asks his server if he can have the same.

The server says “I’m afraid not, señor, because those are actually the testicles of bull killed today at the bull fight. But ...

Size difference

Q: What's smaller than a teeny weeny Ant?
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A: An Ant's teeny weeny!

funniest joke you'll hear today about congestive heart failure

Assuming you are healthy, your heart when working normally, acts, sort of like a pump, or rather, two pumps. You see, your right heart expands to draw deoxygenated blood in from the body, and contracts to pump it out to the lungs to become oxygenated. And at the same time, your left heart draws in o...

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

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A lady went to a Doctor and complained that her husband's penis is too long.

She said, "Whenever he inserts it in my pussy it's so long that it touches my heart"
_The Doctor replied, "Okay, bring him, I'll operate it and make it smaller." 
_The lady shouted; "No way,!! I came to see if you could shift my heart up a little bit "..

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

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There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog...

A naked lady walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey

He slowly pours her a drink while he stares her up and down, from head to toe. The lady then asks for another shot of whiskey. The bartender continues to look at her intently. Annoyed, the lady says to him, what’s the matter haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before? The bartender responds, of cour...

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