UPJOKE
herdersheepsheepherdergoatmilkwoolherdpigwolfdroverreedjacobdogjesusram

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A shepherd is tending to his flock when a man in a sports car pulls up.

The man is wearing a fancy suit and says, "My! What a large herd of sheep you have here! I would like to make a wager with you. If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have, you give me one of them."

The shepherd is intrigued and agrees.

The fancy man gets on his phone and makes...

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An Amercian, a Russian and a Shepherd from mountains are drinking.

American starts boasting : " Guys , in USA we have such a big hangar , that it takes a full tank of fuel to cross from one side to other." Russian: " aa that is nothing , we in mother russia , we have such a large pot for potatoes , that we use two nuclear submarines for stirring." . Shepherd " Well...

A German Shepherd and a Sheep are out on a date...

German Shepherd: "What do you mean I'm too controlling?!"

Sheep: "You herd me."

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

Did you know about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and herd?

What about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?

I used to be a Shepherd, but I have no idea how many sheep I had.

Kept falling asleep trying to count them.

A shepherd looks over at his flock of sheep in the pasture.

The day is ending soon, and he has to herd the sheep into their pen for the night. The shepherd calls for his trusty sheepdog and asks it to get the job done.

"Right away, sir," says the sheepdog.

10 minutes later, and the shepherd glances out his window to see the sheep safely in thei...

I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He's played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...

But he never made it as a wise man

A German Shepherd, Doberman And Cat Have Died And Gone To Heaven

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died.

All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.

The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."

Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you be...

Red sky at night, shepherds delight.

Blue sky at night, day.

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Do you know why the shepherd fucks the sheep on the edge of the cliff?

So it pushes back

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A man saw an ad in the newspaper for a free talking dog...

He thought it was impossible, so he went to the address to check it out.
Standing at the fence to the backyard of the house was a normal-looking German Shepherd.

The man, wanting to prove the ad wrong asked the dog, "so are you the talking dog?"

Surprisingly, the dog replied, "yeah...

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Every morning a German Shepherd craps on my lawn.

Some days he brings his dog.

What did the Shepherd say to Santa?

All I want for Christmas is ewe

I found my German Shepherd, Hondo, with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth.

The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asked me, "Don, did you hear...

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A shepherd rescues a beautiful woman from falling off a cliff in far away mountains.

With much gratitude, she says, "Wow, you saved my life so bravely and selflessly. Just ask, and I'd do anything for you."

The shepherd ask slyly, "Anything?"

"Anything, my dear", she replies seductively.

The shepherd points to a nearby sheep and goes, "Can ya' hold this bitches'...

I shouted at a shepherd the other day...

He said “You what?”
I replied “You herd”

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This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

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The shepherd and the lost goat

A TV crew was filming a documentary in a small mountain village, and for their ending sequence they wanted to interview one of the many shepherds around.

\- So, could you tell us about a happy memory being a shepherd here?
\- A happy memory... mmmh... Yes, see, there was that time. A goa...

A man is driving at night in the rain.

And then the car suddenly stop working. The man starts to get nervous, and then he sees something getting out of the woods in the roadside.

Then he hears a knock in the window. There is a dog, a german shepherd.

"Open the hood", says the dog. The man freezes and do nothing.

"Ope...

A hiker in the mountains, meets a shepherd with a flock of sheep.

He ask him:

\+ Do sheep give a lot of wool?

\- Which? the white or the black ones?

The surprised hiker tells him:

\+ Well, the white ones.

\- About seven kilos of wool per season.

\+ And the black ones?

\- Seven kilos as well.

\+ And do...

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*The TV Game*

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.

After answering all the questions, there is a tie.

So both are given one final assignment.

It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu".

It is a city in Africa.

The priest returns...

What did one shepherd say to the other?

Get the flock out of here!

What did the Catan shepherd say to the Pimp?

I have sheep for wood

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I have a German Shepherd, and I named her Ammonia.

She's such a basic bitch.

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A German Shepherd walks into a Western Union

He goes up to the window, noses a form toward the clerk, and seems to indicate he wants to send a message.


The clerk is amused and laughs a little as she says, "okay, boy, what do you want it to say?"


The dog barks, "Woof-woof, woof-woof-woof, woof, woof-woof."

The clerk...

Why was the shepherd fired?

He fell asleep during inventory

Why was the sheep girl fired?

She was sleeping with the shepherd too.

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I had to break up with my girlfriend because she didn't like my German shepherd

I don't like that Hans gets sheep shit all over the house as well but I think she overreacted

What did one shepherd say to another shepherd on a cold winter’s night?

I’m freezing! Let’s get the flock out of here!

One day the shepherd dog said to the shepherd man: “Here are all the 100 sheep. ”

The man was surprised: “What? We only have 97 sheep.”
The dog said: “I know. I rounded them up.”

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Jebediah the shepherd wanted to make a statement about bullying and stood up at the town meeting.

"Friends, there is a cruel and unfair practice that is infiltrating our community. You may not have noticed, but it is here and it is doing grave damage to my sense of well being and comfort in our beautiful village.

Perhaps Englebert has noticed? The man who bakes our bread every day, who f...

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"

"Hey lady," says the ...

A shepherd owned a remarkable dog, deft at sheep herding and able to speak.

At the end of the day, after his dog had herded the flock into the pen, the shepherd asked his canine friend to confirm how many sheep were in.

"40," the dog barked.

"40? I counted 37."

"Yes," replied the dog, "I rounded them up."

A dashing brunette is cruising through the countryside in her red sportswagon

She drives by a shepherd herding sheep and stops and ask:

"If I can guess your profession, can I get one of your sheep?"

As she is a rare beauty in the countryside, the sheepherder agrees.

She smiles knowingly:

"You are a sheepherder, aren't you!?"

The sheepherder ...

How did he guess?

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked t...

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The shepherd and the consultant

A shepherd is tending to his flock without a worry in the world as suddenly a sports car screeches to a halt next to him, out jumps a well dressed man saying "Hello shepherd, if I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, I may take one?"

The shepherd shrugs and the man starts to fi...

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This is getting way out of hand. For the past week, every morning at 6am sharp, a German Shepherd has come in to my garden and taken a giant poop, right there on the lawn. And you'll never believe what happened today...

He brought his dog with him.

Which One?

Once a shepherd was grazing his two sheeps. A man was walking around and aproached the shepherd and asks.

Man: "How much does the sheeps weigh?"

Shepherd :" Which one, black one or white one?"

Man : "the black one".

Shepherd : " 20kg".

The Man curiously asks,"And ...

Wanna see my impression of a German Shepherd?

"*ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG!* YOU SHEEPS *VILL* GO INTO ZE PASTURE, UND YOU *VILL* HAVE A GOOD TIME!"

An old shepherd was watching his sheep and resting himself on a very tall club.

A youngster notices him, while passing by, greets him and asks:
"Sir, why are you standing like that?"
He replies: "Like what?"
"Like that: stretching your legs. Why don't you cut off some of that club."


The shepherd takes his hands off the club and points at it:
"Ho...

A lady is sitting in the vet waiting room with her German Shepherd...

The man sitting next to her says, "that's a beautiful dog you have there. Is he sick?"

The lady says, "No not really. It's just that every time I get down on all fours to clean my floor, he mounts me from behind and starts to hump me."

The man says, "Oh, so you're going to have him n...

The Lord is my shepherd

waiting eagerly to sell me to the butcher

I once saw a German Shepherd taking a dump on my front garden.

Then his dog came along.

Why did The Shepherd Lose His Job?

He was sheepish around the animals

What's the difference between a German Shepherd and a German soldier?

They're both dogs, but the German Shepherd is a better soldier.

What do you get when you crossbreed a Chihuahua with a German Shepherd?

A que-nein.

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish shepherd?

Mick Jagger says "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" and a Scottish shepherd says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

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A teenaged boy goes to pick up a girl...

... for a first date. Her father sits him down in the living room next to their German Shepherd and proceeds to chat while the girl gets ready.

The boy has a nervous stomach, and the stress of wanting to make a good impression is too much for him. He feels trouble brewing down there. Eventual...

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Two dogs are sitting in a field.

First dog turns to the second dog and says damn man you smell like shit! Have you been rolling in shit?

Yep.

Wow. That is foul. Is it like a compulsive behavior?

Nope.

Do you do it to cover your scent up, like to ward off predators?

Nope.

Is it some weird ...

How do you greet a German Shepherd in their native language?

Guten Dog!

What does a short-sighted gynecologist have in common with German Shepherd?

A wet nose.

Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet's waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other "What are you in for?"

"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?"

"Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was c...

There are two hills, each one with a shepherd with his flock of sheep on the top.

One day, one of the two shepherds loses a sheep and tries to ask to the other one if he saw the animal.

- HAVE YOU SEEN MY SHEEEEP?
The other man seems not answering, so both of them go down their hills to speak better. They're still far from each other, but the first one tries anyway to a...

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A shepherd once had a magical turd that kept his sheep from running away, and the two of them had a deep bond. One day, the turd left suddenly and never came back.

That shit herded.

Little old lady to dog owner: “Is that your German shepherd outside?”

“Yeah, so what?”
“Well, my cat just killed it.”
“Ha, how could your cat kill my dog?”
“It got stuck in his throat!”

A blonde and a shepherd.

A blonde, tired of people assuming she's stupid, goes to a salon and has her hair dyed brown. On her way home she sees a shepherd and his flock of sheep. She stops and asks, "if I guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The shepherd agrees and the blonde guesses, "237." He does some quick fi...

I have the mind of a German Shepherd and the body of and old man...

...and they are both in the trunk of my car.

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A shepherd has 20 white sheep and 3 black ones.

A guy nearby comes to talk to him.

"What do your sheep do all day?"

"Well, usually the white ones search for good grass to eat."

"And the black ones?"

"They usually also spend time searching for good grass."

"How many times a year do you mow them?"

"I usuall...

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I've woken up everyday, opened the curtains to find a German shepherd taking a shit on my lawn..

And this morning the cheeky bastard brought his dog with him.

Have you ever been attacked by a German Shepherd dog while having a white stick shoved up your backpassage?

Post that 2020 vision joke one more time..

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

Turns out shepherds don't like being referred to as

'ewe people'

A German shepherd walks into a bar

and says “Hey, I’m a talking dog. Other dogs can do tricks, but have you ever heard one talk? How about a drink for a dog who’s articulate and erudite?"


The bartender says, “Sure, the toilet’s there, first door on the right.”

A shepherd tells his dog to go count the sheep...

So the dog goes out, comes back a little later. Shepherd says: “How many sheep you count out there?”
Dog says: “40”.
Shepherd says: “That’s not possible, I only had 38 to begin with!”.
And the dog goes: “Yeah but I rounded them up”.

What do you call a German Shepherd in a U-boat?

A sub woofer

I ate some shepherd's pie today

...he seemed pretty angry about it.

What’s the problem with German Shepherds?

You wake up in the morning to find a pen full of Germans in your yard!

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

A shepherd is relaxing after a long day, when a businessman comes by...

A shepherd is relaxing after a long day, when a businessman comes by.

He's sat on the grass, chewing on a straw, watching his sheep roam around under the last rays of the setting sun. A jeep leaving behind clouds of dust stops before him, and off gets a businessman clad in an expensive suit a...

How does a shepherd find a sheep on a mountain top?

Acceptable

A shepherd and his dog

In a sunny day in the fields, there is a shepherd and his dog herding their sheep's.

The shepherd asked his dog to round up the sheep to the fields. The dog went out and started herding the sheep's to the field.

After a while the dog returned and told the shepherd that he already rou...

Did you hear about the German Shepherd that had his entire left side cut off?

He's all right now.

There was a shepherd working on a mountain near a road.

One day, while he was chilling on the mountain with his sheeps, he saw a car driving backward on the road. He get closer to the automobilist and ask him :
"Why are you driving backward, man?"
"Because if, when I get to the top, i can't make a u-turn because the road is too small, I will be abl...

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A shepherd get interviewed for the first time on TV

The press is there to promote local products, and they ask a few random questions:

« So tell us good sir, how would you define a good day in the hills around here? »

The shepherd answers : « Well, there was this one time when one sheep got lost and we hunted it with group beats, found ...

Dog sends a Telegram

A German Shepherd went to the telegram office, took out a blank form, and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

"But," the dog ...

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.” Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”

Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

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A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture...

when suddenly a plain white Chevy advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a rather stiff man in a suit and tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obvious...

My mate works as a shepherd, but he keeps getting in trouble for showing up late.

Doesn't seem like he's lost any sheep over it though.

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A rottweiler, a poodle, and a german shepherd are sitting at the vet...

The German shepherd turns to the poodle. "So, why are you here?"

The poodle hangs his head. "My master left me in the house for a whole day, so I couldn't help it, I had to go on the floor! He's kind of a prick, so he's putting me down."

The two other dogs shake their heads. The poodl...

Did you hear about the shepherd that retired to the Pacific Northwest?

He was sheepless in Seattle.

Why did the shepherd sleep on the job?

Because he was busy counting sheep.

A shepherd is tending to his flock of sheep...

...when suddenly one of them goes running off.  The shepherd goes looking for it and after the entire day of frolicking, the sheep comes up to the shepherd and says "I'm ready to go back with the sheep now".  And so the shepherd takes her back to the sheep.

The next day the same thing happens...

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The rabbit was running away from two hunters

He stoped for a second to tell the old shepherd something, and continued running.
Soon the hunters caught up and asked the old shepherd: "Have you seen the rabbit passing through here?"

Shepherd without hesitation answerd : "Yes he passed through here."

Hunters wanting to make fun...

Red sky at night; shepherds delight, red sky in morning; shepherds warning

Minced lamb, potato, onion and carrot; shepherd's pie.

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3 shepherd in the mountain

3 shepherds are going in the mountain to pasture their sheep for a few months. Two grizzled veterans and one new guy.
After a few weeks, at campfire at night, the new guy, a little ashamed, asks the old ones if they don't miss women...
"Yeah of course we do, but if it gets too much pressur...

What do you get when you combine a carpenter with a bunch of fishermen?

A shepherd!

A blonde got tired of "dumb blonde jokes" so she dyed her hair

As she was driving down some country road she notices a shepherd with his flock. She stops the car and approaches. "Excuse me sir." she says "If I guess how many sheep are in your flock can I have one?" Shepherd thinks it over and thinks she'll never get the number right, as it was a decent sized fl...

A blonde moves out to the country....

A blonde moves out to the countryside because she's tired of people in the city assuming she's dumb because of her hair color. She dyes her hair brown, packs up, and moves out. On her way to her new house she passes a shepherd with a herd of sheep. Eager to start her new life, she pulls over and pos...

The shepherd woke up one afternoon...

"Oh no! I fell asleep! I hope nobody stole my sheep.

Let's see 1, 2, *Zzzzzz*"

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A Brit, an Irishman, and an American are walking in the woods together and get lost.

They stumble upon a bridge over a deep ravine guarded by a menacing ogre.

"Halt! Stand where you are!" yells the ogre. "Only those who can answer my riddle can pass this bridge! If you get the answer wrong, you die!"

The three men are short on supplies and don't have a lot of options, ...

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