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Garden Jokes

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden

Oopsie daisies

When my wife starts to sing, I always go outside and do some garden work....

so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

A man goes into his garden and notes a broken fence.

He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices – that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since it’s free, he feels like he has nothin...

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An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.

His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) . The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be di...

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

Adam and Eve are walking through the Garden of Eden for the first time

They marvel at the beauty. Waterfalls, beautiful plants, trees, and animals, and an incredible sky are the things they look at and enjoy. Adam looks past God and sees a woman standing there. With Eve next to him, he wonders who it is. He asks God "who is that standing there?" God turns and Queen Eli...

What do you call a woman who can suck a golfball through a garden hose?

Honey, sweetie, pumpkin, baby, whatever it takes

Adam spoke to God in the Garden of Eden

"I am lonely" said Adam. "I need someone around for company."

"Very well," said God. "I will create a companion for you. One who will obey your every word, do all your chores along with cooking and cleaning for you."

"Wonderful!" said Adam. "What will it take?"

"For you, it wi...

Why'd the gardener get banned from the hospital?

He kept watering the vegetables.

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An old man tells his doctor that his wife never has an orgasm while they are having sex.

The doctor suggests that perhaps she is overheating. So when the man gets home he asks his young and good-looking gardener to assist by waving a towel to cool off his wife while they are having sex. The gardener is reluctant but agrees. While the couple is having sex, the gardener frantically wav...

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I went to the local Japanese garden today

I wanted to see the fish in the pond, but every time I moved closer to them they would swim away from me. I guess they were just playing coy.

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I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.

When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?"

The ignorant bastard just ignored me.

You do some gardening once, you do not become a gardener. You nail two pieces of wood together, you do not become a woodworker.

So I do not see how I could be a murderer, your honour.

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Adam and Eve in the garden..

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflec...

Octopuses Garden

An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman.
He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play th...

Mary comes home after tending to the garden….

Joseph has a warm pie on the table. He cuts Mary a peice of pie and she is thrilled by how amazing it tastes. So she asks Joseph, “Where did you get this pie from?”

Joseph tells Mary “I baked it!”

“Baked it?” Says Mary.

“Yes, right here in our home from scratch!” Says Joseph....

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

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A man was working in the garden...

...and his wife was about to take a shower.
He realized that he couldn't find the rake.. and yelled up to his wife,
"Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear and she shouted back, "What?"
He pointed to his eye, and then pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.
his wife wasn't sure a...

What did Adam first say to Eve in the garden of Eden?

Stand back. I don’t know how big this thing is going to get.

I think I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre earlier today

At least I think it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias

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Our neighbour's dog crapped in our garden, so my wife asked me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't know what that solved. We still have dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

I told my wife that what she’s wearing isn’t appropriate for gardening.

But..she’s digging in her heels.

Any PDA at Olive Garden is considered incest

Because when you’re here, you’re family

God and Adam are walking through the Garden of Eden.

Adam sees a bull climbing upon a cow.

**Adam**: God, what are they doing?

**God**: They are following the commandment "Be fruitful and multiply".

They walk further. This time, Adam sees a bird mounted by another bird.

**Adam**: God, and what are these two doing?

**...

Did I ever tell you the joke about my favorite garden herb?

No? Well, it’s about thyme!

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A prince is out walking in his garden

He hears a sound and sees a frog.

The frog says, "I am a beautiful princess, if you kiss me I'll turn back and fuck you for the rest of your life."

The prince picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket.

The frog says again, "I said, I'm a princess, if you kiss me I'll change...

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"

They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and ...

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My local garden center has become like really sketchy neighborhood.

It's filled with rakes, hoes, and there's bird shit everywhere.

I'm kinda new to gardening...

Someone suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries.

Well, I'm never doing that again...

I'll just stick to whipped cream.

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One day in the Garden of Eden God notices that Adam looks down in the dumps

"What's up Adam?" says God.
"Not to be ungrateful God, it's great here and everything but I'm lonely all on my own," replies Adam.
God thinks for a moment and says, "I know what, for a small price I'll create a woman for you and then you won't be lonely any more."
"A woman," says Adam...

A burglar is walking around a garden at night:

When he suddenly hears a voice saying "Jesus is watching you" He looks around but doesn't see anyone and ultimately decides to keep going.

But then he hears the voice again say "Jesus is watching you" at this point the burglar is really looking around and he notices a parrot. He asked the par...

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A man went to a community garden…

…one full of fresh fruits. Just before he left he saw some plums and took one. A worker saw him and said “You’re not allowed to take any of the fruit here, it’s clear in the rules, as punishment for trying stealing this plum, I’ll shove it up your ass.” The man started laughing and the worker asked ...

Garden of Eden

So after God created Adam he spent a lot of time by himself in the garden, and became bored and lonely.

God noticed Adam seemed a little down so he asked what was wrong. Adam told him he was lonely and that he could use some company. God told Adam he could create the perfect companion for hi...

What’s the difference between Reddit jokes and gardening?

In gardening it’s compost

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her… As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions."First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees."What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, l...

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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's co...

Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin agreed to take care of each other’s gardens.

This means Roger Waters Robert’s Plants.

A man was arrested for trying to attract crows to his garden.

He was convicted of attempted murder.

My dad was showing me his tool shed in his garden.

"And that's my step ladder", he said. "I've never met my real ladder".

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Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew yo...

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Billy arrived at his new job, the local garden center/general store.

Mr Howard said "Just watch how I interact with the customers, Billy, and follow my lead. We need to upsell."

"Ok," says Billy, "I'm all ears."

A man walks in and mills around the store for a while, then comes up to the counter with a packet of grass seeds.

Mr Howard engages the ...

An old man and his son loved to do the gardening together.

There was an old man who loved doing the gardening with his son, every week they would get together and do the gardening.

One day the dad is diagnosed with lung cancer, not got long left to live. So the son decides that to raise money to pay for treatment he starts to sell drugs. Weed meth co...

Shortly after creating them, God is introducing Adam and Eve to The Garden.

"These are the trees and bushes that bear fruit for you to eat. These are the bodies of water, for you to drink from. These are the animals, for you to name. And this is the forbidden fruit, which you must never eat."

"And what's that?" says Eve, pointing to something on her left.

"Oh ...

A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden

_Here's one I vividly remember being told by a kid in a playground when I was about 5 years old._


A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden. Incredulous they demand to see it for themselves.

When they get into the garden they see the slide is signif...

I went to a garden in Jamaica and saw a sign that says "stay off the grass"

I thought it was just a stereotype about these people

Gardening..

..is so exciting, I wet my plants!

What do a serial killer and a prolific gardener have in common?

Both of their sheds are filled with hoes.

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My neighbor with big boobs has been gardening topless all day.

I just wish his wife would do the same.

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A dryad goes to a gardening store and gets herself a big bag of fertilizer

"Whatchu got there?"


"Cow manure. It's my favorite fertilizer," she says, dreamily.


"What!? Are you bullshitting me?"


"No! I'm bullshitting me!"

What's the difference between a gardener and a pimp?

A gardener doesn't want his hose to have kinks.

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The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

W...

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God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.

God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?"

"Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was *awesome*. We're going to call it 'sex'!"

God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You a...

I saw Vanilla Ice at Madison Square Garden.

He sold me a hot dog.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Just saw two birds stuck together in the garden.

I think they are velcrows

What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?

A seizure salad.

You destroyed my garden? Eh, no worries.

I don’t carrot all.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

A man goes running into a clinic shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor! You’ve got to help me! I’ve been stung by a bee!” The doctor says reassuringly, "Don’t worry, I’ll put some cream on it.”

“You’ll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

“No, you don’t understand.” answers the doctor. “I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

“Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house.”

“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated. “I mean, where on...

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I was digging in my garden this morning and found some gold coins.

I was really excited and rushed inside to tell the prostitute about it but then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

Why did the pimp till the garden with his hands?

Cause he ain't got no faith in dem hoes.

If your garden gets nuked.

Does it become a Gnome man's land?

Two snowmen in a garden,

one says to the other, "can you smell carrots?".

Landscape Gardeners

I've been trying to get someone to redo my garden, but i'm not having much luck.

I've found several landscape gardeners, but mine is portrait.

I was busy in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. “What are you doing?”

I said “I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...”

She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time..!”

Oh that's easy I said, “Its right next to the sage.”

A Mexican politician and an American politician are having dinner

They are eating at the American politician's house. A 6 bedroom house with a 2 Mercedes Benz at the front. And a 500 square foot garden.

The Mexican politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.

The American politician said: "see that highway over there?...

Adam was standing in the garden of Eden.

Adam: "God, I'm lonely. None of these animals are fit for me."

God: "Well how about I make you a helper? She can be human just like you!"

Adam: "Really?"

God: "Yeah! She'll be perfect! Her beauty will take your breath away! She'll never complain! She'll be strong, but gentle; co...

The Olive Garden should sponsor The Fast and Furious franchise.

Because when you are there, you are Family.

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A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking greyhound For Sale’

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking greyhound sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the greyhound.

"Oh yes," the greyhound replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the gre...

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I’m attracted to my neighbor’s garden decoration. The beard, the cute tummy….

Does that make me a gnomosexual?

What do you call a lady gardener's underwear?

Plantaloons. Thought of this today while I was watering my azaleas.

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to ...

I was digging in the back garden...

.. Whan I came across a horde of viking coins, I was so excited I almost ran in to tell my wife,



Until I remembered why I was digging.

A priest started to water his garden.

He bowed his head and began with a prayer.

"Lettuce spray..."

There were two neighbours named George and Ted, and they both grew vegetable gardens. George's garden was growing beautifully, the tomatoes best of all. Meanwhile, Ted's garden was growing horribly, the tomatoes worst of all.

One day, Ted asked George, "How do I make my tomatoes ripen?"

"Maybe you should try doing what I did," said George. "You may remember that a few weeks ago, my tomatoes were just as bad as yours. Then I remembered reading somewhere that all tomatoes were female, so I came up with a plan to rip...

My maize garden thrives when I play nu metal music

Korn

What do rabbits say before feasting on your garden?

“Lettuce prey.”

Has anyone's gardening skills improved during the quarantine?

I planted myself on the couch in August and have grown significantly since.

A married couple were walking through a garden

when suddenly a dog ran towards them.

They both knew it will bite them..

The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart.

The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away.

The husband put his wife down, expecting ...

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Two women are talking over the garden wall and the conversation turns to money.

“You know, Lauren, I’ve discovered a great way to get more money out of my old man. Last week I wore a low necked jumper when we went shopping and as I bent over the supermarket freezer one of my boobs popped out. You should have seen Bill, he nearly had a blue fit. I told him it was because I didn’...

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After years of getting nothing from my garden, I finally got my dildo patch to produce!

But now I have a problem with squatters.

One gardener asks another for advice about putting down sod

“Can you help me with this? I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I keep trying to lay this sod down, but I can’t get it to lay flat,” he confessed.

The other gardener observed as he attempted to lay down the sheet of grass and came to a helpful conclusion.

The gardener explained, “Well, ...

A boy asks his dad a question

A boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs,when their thumbs are not green?"

The dad replies,"It's just a saying son,It's like when somebody is caught stealing,they say they have been caught 'red handed',even though their hands is black."

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad." The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten." The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they throw a bag over my hea...

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes.

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

...

Why did the Alabama man only sleep with waitresses from Olive Garden?

Because when you're there, you're family.

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I was at the garden supply center and noticed the price of manure has almost doubled.

Shit's getting expensive.

I was cleaning out my elderly neighbour's back garden yesterday when I came across a lamp.

I rubbed the side to give it a clean, and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke

"I'll grant you any wish for releasing me from the lamp!" he boomed.

I looked up and noticed a passenger jet in the sky. In need of a holiday, I said "I wish I was on that plane."

With a whoosh, my wis...

An old lady was walking down the street

An old lady was walking down the street with two huge bags over her shoulders. While suddenly, one of the bags break and 100$ bills start falling on the sidewalk one after another.

A policeman going in the opposite direction notices this and alerts the lady:
“Excuse me, I think one of your...

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...

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I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

I've been stealing garden ornaments from my next door neighbour...

Who shall remain Gnomeless

Garden-variety hoe...

still sounds like a terrible insult despite clearly specifying which kind of hoe is meant.

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My girlfriend's moving in with me this week so this morning I burned all my porn DVDs in the garden.

Now all I have to do is burn the ones in the shed, the house, and the garage.

So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden...

... and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Adam, I'll work on that. Be patient, ...

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Y...

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Eden garden (Translate from my birth language)

3 friends died in a car accident and arrived at the gate. St-Peter is there to greet them.
He told them, that to cross the gate, they all have to pick up a fruit or a vegetable in the eden garden.
The first one arrive with a carrot. St-Peter told him that to enter heaven, he must put the ent...

A lady is walking to the store when the sees the most beautiful garden shes ever seen....

She askes the man wattering his garden

"Excuse me sir, how do you get such red tomatoes?"

"Well" he said, "it's a bit embarrassing, but every morning I get up and come outside in just my robe and flash my tomatoes. Then the tomatoes blush and turn redder! You should try it sometime!"...

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Never have sex with a garden hose...

They’re too kinky.

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth that reads: "10 pork chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of 10 pork chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the bus schedule and sits on the bench when a bus arrives...

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Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

What did the vegetables say at the garden party?

Lettuce turnip the beet

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Home Depot said they had bags of manure on the floor of the garden section.

Lying sacks of shit.

When I pick thyme from my garden, I like to concentrate on the really small leaves.

Because, you know, I'm just not ready for the big thyme.

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Two old men are walking in the garden of their retirement home...

All the sudden, some old woman jumps out of the bushes right in front of them, swings her bathrobe wide open and exposing her naked body beneath shouts "SUPERPUSSY!!!"

One man turns to the other, taps his hearing aid and says loudly:
"WHAT DID SHE SAY, LARRY?"

"She said SUPERPUSSY, ...

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My wife used to grow cucumbers in her garden to use as dildos.

She had to stop after a problem with squatters

Adam felt sad and lonely in the Garden of Eden

"What is wrong, my child?" asked God.

"Lord, I am lonely," relplied Adam, "I wish I had a companion."

"Well, I've got just the one for you," said God. "She's perfect! She is lithe and youthful, and shall always remain so. She utters beauty when she speaks, and she listens with attentio...

Based on a true story: I was carrying back gardening tools to the shed and dropped one. My wife yells from behind me.

"Yee haw, it's a hoe down"

I think the tomatoes in my garden are actually round red time travelers.

They all seem to be developing wormholes.

The garden of eden

Adam and God are walking side by side through the garden admiring the various plants and animals. It was a pleasant and gleeful afternoon.
Adam was noticing that all of his animal friends had mates. There were males and females.

Adam: God, may I have a female mate?

God: This is a ...

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

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What does a garden and a vagina have in common?

Tulips

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

what do you call a can of fish in a misspelled french garden?

Jardines

(Got inspired by a video game for this one)

I read somewhere that WD40 is great from keeping mice out of your garden.

I tried it... It doesn't work!!

However they have stopped squeaking.

A woman put on some clothes and walked out to her garden and saw a man in her tree.

"What on earth is going on here?" she asked.

The man replied, "I'm every so sorry, madam. An awfully embarrassing incident has happened here. I'm a skydiving instructor, the landing didn't go as I'd expected."

The woman frowned, and said, "But there's no parachute...and why are you hol...

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