Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”

The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”

The Soviet replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, ...

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So my neighbour with the big titties is outside gardening topless again today.

I just wish his wife would do the same.

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God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.

God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?"

"Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was *awesome*. We're going to call it 'sex'!"

God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You a...

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What does a garden and a vagina have in common?

Tulips

Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.”

The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?”


Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s insi...

Why did the chicken cross the garden?

To get to the Canadian side.

Please come north, we have poutine

As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

You're all invited to the garden party..

.. So lettuce turnip the beet

I heard a burglar in my back garden

I wanted to go out and confront him but I didn’t want him to take a fence

What is a Gardener's favorite show?

Lawn and order.

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

I was digging in our garden...

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Pretty sure I saw Michael J Fox at the garden center this morning, it certainly looked like him..

But he had his back to the fuchsia....

Why was the gardener so embarrassed?

Because he wet his plants

How can you tell an unidentified plant in your garden is a weed?

Try to pull it out. If it comes out easily, it's not a weed.

Why did the gardener's wife leave him?

She always found him talking with with his hoes

A garden gnome is busy destroying plants when suddenly a house cat appears.

“What are you?” asks the cat. “I’m a gnome. I steal food from humans. I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, are you?” The cat thinks for a moment and says, “I guess i’m a gnome.”

Someone just stole some grass from my garden

Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf

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Two old men are walking in the garden of their retirement home...

All the sudden, some old woman jumps out of the bushes right in front of them, swings her bathrobe wide open and exposing her naked body beneath shouts "SUPERPUSSY!!!"

One man turns to the other, taps his hearing aid and says loudly:
"WHAT DID SHE SAY, LARRY?"

"She said SUPERPUSSY, ...

We hired a landscape gardener for some work

But he said my garden was portrait and he couldn't help.

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we'd still be in the Garden of Eden

They would have eaten the serpent

A woman goes up to an employee at a garden shop.

“How much for this goth cucumber” she asks,
“Ma’am that’s a catcus”

After Adam and Eve arrived in Eden, he stayed out late a few nights wandering the garden.

Eve became suspicious.
“Are you running around with another woman?” Eve fired off.
“What other woman?” Adam exclaimed “ You’re it!”
That night, Adam was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.
“What are you doing?”
“Counting your ribs.”

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A fireman is sitting in front of the station when he sees a little boy coming down the street in a little red wagon. He's put little ladders on the side and a garden hose is coiled in the front.

The kid is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is tied to a dog and cat who are pulling the wagon.

"That sure is a nice fire truck you got there."
"Thanks," the boy says.

The fireman looks more closely and sees the boy has the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's test...

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I'm gonna make an adult website for gardeners

it's gonna be called hydropornic

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the followin...

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Was running late so I jacked off in the herb garden.

I wanted to cum on thyme.

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Our neighbour's cat shit in our garden,

So my wife told to me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't see what that solved, now we've got cat shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

What's brown and runs around your garden?

A fence

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An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow.

It was sage advice.

The Catholic church released a fun PC game which takes place in the garden of Eden. You play as Eve and Adam is hiding from you. Your goal is to hunt him down with a slingshot.

It's a first person shooter.

So my neighbour sees me bent over, busy in my garden. And she asks what I'm doing.

"I'm alphabetising all my plants"

"Really?! I don't know how you find the time!"

"It's right next to the sage"

I was digging in the front garden when my neighbor saw me struggling with the shovel and came over to help with a rotortiller. A couple minutes later the other neighbor brought his garden tractor, and the guy down the street show up with a backhoe...

Well that excavated quickly.

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A gorgeous maid met her madam and asked for a pay rise.

"why are you asking for a pay rise?" asked the madam.

"Because i iron better than you." answered the maid.

Silently fuming, the madam asked, "who said that?"

"your husband did."

Silent fuming intensifies. A bit daring, the madam asked again, "is that all you have to say?...

I saw two large, black birds stuck to each other in the garden yesterday

I'm pretty sure they were vel crows

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Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

What’s the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

My weekend is looking like a poorly organized herb gardener.

Nothing but thyme on my hands.

A Man Worked at a Gardening Factory

At this gardening factory, at the back, there was a large pile of dirt. All the employees were told they could have as much of this dirt as they wanted or needed.

This specific man would take on wheelbarrow of dirt out of the factory each day. The security guard began to get suspicious, think...

My neighbour is an avid gardener.

He was up digging at three in the morning.

And he's so good that the next day the police came to see his work.

If you go to the garden of Eden and kill Adam with a gun...

...are you a first person shooter?

Three Nuns Die And Each Have To Answer A Question From God To Get Into Heaven...

God asks the first Nun, "Who were the first two people?"
She says, "Adam and Eve".
He says, "Okay, you're in."

God asks the second Nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?"
She says, "The Garden of Eden".
He says, "Okay, you're in."

God asks the third Nun, "What was the first th...

God walks into a DIY store in Lancashire looking for an ornamental well for the garden of Eden. Not sure where to look, he seeks a cashier for directions...

Before god says a word, the cashier recognises the big guy and says "well, I'll be!"

God replies "I thought I was the only one with super powers?! Thanks." and off he goes to the second isle.

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

A little Boy and his Grandpa are walking in the Garden...

A little boy and his grandpa are walking in the garden when the boy sees a worm on the lawn. ‘Grandpa,' he says, I bet you $5 I can stick that worm back down its hole.' ‘That's impossible,’ replies Grandpa. It’s too soft and wiggly to push back in the ground.' The little boy runs inside, gets a can ...

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can ho ho ho.


Probably been posted, but made me chuckle and is a goody

Eve asks Adam in the Garden of Eden, “Adam, do you desire me and me only?”

“Sure thing, baby,” replies Adam affectionately, “who else?”

So I was out Christmas shopping earlier today, decided to stop in at the local garden section to pick out some succulents for my wife, tripped over a hose and ended up falling into the Aloe Vera.

Hurt like hell, but healed very quickly.

I wonder if hulk does gardening

He most definitely have green thumbs

Did you hear about the gardener who went crazy?

He was hearing voices in his shed.

What’s the difference between a pimp and a gardener?

You really shouldn’t ask a pimp for a vegetable.

What do you call pac-man when he’s helping you with your garden?

A weed-wakawaka

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

An old woman asks her younger neighbor :

"Could you go sunbathing to the garden without your bra again please?"

The neighbor asks :

"And why should I do that?"

Old woman answers :

"Oh, nothing great, I just need my husband to mow the lawn."

One man goes to India and visits a Buddhist Monastery

He saw some old monks meditating around the garden but was perplexed not to see any young monks around. "Is Buddhism dying?", he thought. Right after that, he sees a young monk entering a building with some bags of flour and sugar and decides to follow him.

What he found was stunning. On one...

A man goes into his garden and notes a broken fence.

He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices – that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since it’s free, he feels like he has nothin...

I went to see my mate Bruce today and asked his wife where he was.

She said he’s out the back in the garden. I had a quick look but couldn’t see him so went to ask his wife again.

She said, “he’s out there, you just have to dig a little deeper”.

A father had promised his two young sons he would take them on a fishing trip

The boys were digging for fishing bait in their parents' garden. Uncovering a many legged creature, one of the boys proudly dangled it before his Father.

"No, son, he won't do for bait" his Father said. "He's not an earthworm".

"He's not?" the boy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet i...

I was working on the garden. I asked my wife is she liked my new tulips.

She asked when I got the operation.

A blonde once owned a big, beautiful garden

Since there were so many flowers, she hired a gardener to do all the watering, weeding etc., and the gardener did everything perfectly.

One day, she told the gardener to water the plants. Once the gardener went to the garden, it suddenly rained. Knowing that his work wouldn't be needed that ...

Did you hear about the epileptic in the garden?

He was making seizure salad

Where does the holy bread go after it is consumed?

The Garden of Eaten

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A Bar needs a new pianist.

A bar needs a new pianist, so the owner puts up a sign in the window.
“Pianist wanted, apply within”.

A couple of hours later, a young man walks in, and says he is there to apply. The owner sits him down at the piano, and the man breaks out into the most beautiful song ever heard.
...

Being a gardener must be a very sobering career...

Every day you have to wake up and smell the roses.

I was in the garden when my 5 year old granddaughter came up to me holding a water pail. She smiled real big and said, “This is for you Grandpa!” I said, “Thanks but what do you want me to do with it sweetie?”

She replied, “Dad said if you kick the bucket we’ll be rich!!”

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I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.

When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?"

The ignorant bastard just ignored me.

[garden of eden]

**Snake:** Pssst! want an apple?

**Eve:** No thanks, I do not sin.

**Snake:** What's the length of the opposite side of a 30° right triangle with a hypotenuse of 20?

**Eve:** 10

**Snake:** Thanksss

**Adam:** How did you calculate that?

**Eve:** Oh no.

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Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversat...

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Ladder to success

A man died and went to heaven. As he entered through the pearly gates he saw a beautiful woman sitting under a tree. She smiled at him and said, "Come to my arms and make love to me". As the man happily approached her he saw a ladder going up through the skies.

"What is that?", the man asked....

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager said, 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goe...

Why is Yoda such a good gardener?

Green thumbs, he has.

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I was doing some gardening when my friend asked me to go out and have a drink with him. I said no cause I was gardening. He said 'Come on

*BROS BEFORE HOES*

It's a shit joke ik dont bully me

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I'm going to go fertilize my garden

I'll let you know when I'm done shitting my plants

Classroom

In a grade school classroom the teacher asked each of her students to come up to the chalk board and draw a picture of something that they talked about with their parents the night before.

The first little girl came up to the board and drew a cat. The teacher asked "what is that?" The little...

I have a bird feeder in the garden.

It also works as a cat feeder.

Going to an orgy in the South is a lot like going to Olive Garden

When you’re there you’re family.

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Little fireman

A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk.

He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wag...

I was digging in the back garden...

.. Whan I came across a horde of viking coins, I was so excited I almost ran in to tell my wife,



Until I remembered why I was digging.

How did the millionaire gardener get rich so quick?

He was running a huge pansy scheme

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in

a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways

in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her...

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The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook tha...

My neighbor just buried $100,000 in his backyard garden..

..he wanted to make his soil richer.

For Halloween, my vertically challenged friend dressed like a garden decoration, but made the whole costume out of denim.

He's the human jean gnome.

Many gardeners mistakenly refer to the short, bearded statues they decorate their gardens with as "Elves".

It's a common misgnomer.

An old man was taking a walk in the cemetery.

It suddenly started to rain. Sheltering under a tree, he met the cemetery gardener. "Terrible weather we're having," he commented

"Aye," agreed the gardener, "but this is only a shower. The ground needs the rain. It is sure to bring things up."

"I sincerely hope not," replied the old m...

Why did the garden divorce the field?

He caught her being plowed by a hoe

I once saw a German Shepherd taking a dump on my front garden.

Then his dog came along.

I spent most of the day in the garden with my step ladder.

Not my real ladder, my step ladder.

My neighbor broke down into tears after I asked him about his garden placement.

He’s growing through a rough patch.

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My 7 year old son said he wanted a treehouse in our back garden.

25 years growing that tree and now he says he doesn't want it anymore... Ungrateful bastard.

An English man ,a Scott’s man ,and an Irish man got on a plane.

The English man had a brick the Scott’s man had a knife and the Irish man had a bomb.
Midway through the flight the English man dropped his brick and when he got home he found his mother crying in the garden. He asked what is wrong and she said your dad was sitting in the garden and it hit him ...

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I saw some prostitutes hanging around my local garden centre

I guess it is a bit of a seedy establishment

I didn't really like gardening at first

But then it started to grow on me

Every day we wake up to a guy in the garden singing ...

“If I were a rich man
Yubby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dum
All day long I’d Biddy Biddy Bum
If I were a wealthy man.”

I tell my wife it’s the morning Jew.

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A man and his wife go to church

The man has a plan since his wife keeps falling asleep during mass. The man brought a pencil with him to poke his wife so that she would stay awake.

During mass, the priest decides to play trivia, at which this point the wife is asleep. The priest asks “Who was atoned for the sins of man?” ...

How do you know God was a MOPAR man?

It says in the Bible “he drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a fury”

You wife was a stripper and now teaches gardening classes...

Color me impressed...

I didn’t know you could lead a horticulture

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