As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

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Two old men are walking in the garden of their retirement home...

All the sudden, some old woman jumps out of the bushes right in front of them, swings her bathrobe wide open and exposing her naked body beneath shouts "SUPERPUSSY!!!"

One man turns to the other, taps his hearing aid and says loudly:
"WHAT DID SHE SAY, LARRY?"

"She said SUPERPUSSY, ...

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

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A fireman is sitting in front of the station when he sees a little boy coming down the street in a little red wagon. He's put little ladders on the side and a garden hose is coiled in the front.

The kid is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is tied to a dog and cat who are pulling the wagon.

"That sure is a nice fire truck you got there."
"Thanks," the boy says.

The fireman looks more closely and sees the boy has the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's test...

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

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Was running late so I jacked off in the herb garden.

I wanted to cum on thyme.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run inside and tell my wife about it, and then I remembered why I was digging in our garden

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Our neighbour's cat shit in our garden,

So my wife told to me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't see what that solved, now we've got cat shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow.

It was sage advice.

If you go to the garden of Eden and kill Adam with a gun...

...are you a first person shooter?

The Catholic church released a fun PC game which takes place in the garden of Eden. You play as Eve and Adam is hiding from you. Your goal is to hunt him down with a slingshot.

It's a first person shooter.

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I confronted my Gardner about him masterbating in my garden...

Instead of giving me a straight answer he started beating around the bush.

I stood in my garden early yesterday morning wondering where the sun had gone.

Then it dawned on me.

I saw two large, black birds stuck to each other in the garden yesterday

I'm pretty sure they were vel crows

What’s the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

So my neighbour sees me bent over, busy in my garden. And she asks what I'm doing.

"I'm alphabetising all my plants"

"Really?! I don't know how you find the time!"

"It's right next to the sage"

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An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

My weekend is looking like a poorly organized herb gardener.

Nothing but thyme on my hands.

A Man Worked at a Gardening Factory

At this gardening factory, at the back, there was a large pile of dirt. All the employees were told they could have as much of this dirt as they wanted or needed.

This specific man would take on wheelbarrow of dirt out of the factory each day. The security guard began to get suspicious, think...

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A man and his wife are at home working on gardening and landscaping ...

The husband looks over and sees his wife bent over and exclaims, "Damn, honey! Your ass is huge! I bet it's as big as our gas grill!"

The husband quickly runs and grabs his tape measure. He measures the width of the grill and then measures the width of his wife's ass, "Yup. Just as I thought....

My neighbour is an avid gardener.

He was up digging at three in the morning.

And he's so good that the next day the police came to see his work.

A little Boy and his Grandpa are walking in the Garden...

A little boy and his grandpa are walking in the garden when the boy sees a worm on the lawn. ‘Grandpa,' he says, I bet you $5 I can stick that worm back down its hole.' ‘That's impossible,’ replies Grandpa. It’s too soft and wiggly to push back in the ground.' The little boy runs inside, gets a can ...

Why does Santa have 3 gardens ?

So he can Ho ! Ho ! Ho!

Did you hear about the gardener who went crazy?

He was hearing voices in his shed.

So I was out Christmas shopping earlier today, decided to stop in at the local garden section to pick out some succulents for my wife, tripped over a hose and ended up falling into the Aloe Vera.

Hurt like hell, but healed very quickly.

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can ho ho ho.


Probably been posted, but made me chuckle and is a goody

God walks into a DIY store in Lancashire looking for an ornamental well for the garden of Eden. Not sure where to look, he seeks a cashier for directions...

Before god says a word, the cashier recognises the big guy and says "well, I'll be!"

God replies "I thought I was the only one with super powers?! Thanks." and off he goes to the second isle.

What’s the difference between a pimp and a gardener?

You really shouldn’t ask a pimp for a vegetable.

What do you call pac-man when he’s helping you with your garden?

A weed-wakawaka

Did you hear about the epileptic in the garden?

He was making seizure salad

I was working on the garden. I asked my wife is she liked my new tulips.

She asked when I got the operation.

A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.

The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!"

The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!"

The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this...

Being a gardener must be a very sobering career...

Every day you have to wake up and smell the roses.

A blonde once owned a big, beautiful garden

Since there were so many flowers, she hired a gardener to do all the watering, weeding etc., and the gardener did everything perfectly.

One day, she told the gardener to water the plants. Once the gardener went to the garden, it suddenly rained. Knowing that his work wouldn't be needed that ...

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I was doing some gardening when my friend asked me to go out and have a drink with him. I said no cause I was gardening. He said 'Come on

*BROS BEFORE HOES*

It's a shit joke ik dont bully me

[garden of eden]

**Snake:** Pssst! want an apple?

**Eve:** No thanks, I do not sin.

**Snake:** What's the length of the opposite side of a 30° right triangle with a hypotenuse of 20?

**Eve:** 10

**Snake:** Thanksss

**Adam:** How did you calculate that?

**Eve:** Oh no.

I was in the garden when my 5 year old granddaughter came up to me holding a water pail. She smiled real big and said, “This is for you Grandpa!” I said, “Thanks but what do you want me to do with it sweetie?”

She replied, “Dad said if you kick the bucket we’ll be rich!!”

Why is Yoda such a good gardener?

Green thumbs, he has.

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

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My neighbor with big boobs has been gardening topless all day.

I just wish his wife would do the same.

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I'm going to go fertilize my garden

I'll let you know when I'm done shitting my plants

As a gardener, nothing makes me more excited than when my plants first sprout.

I guess that makes me a petalphile.

How did the millionaire gardener get rich so quick?

He was running a huge pansy scheme

For Halloween, my vertically challenged friend dressed like a garden decoration, but made the whole costume out of denim.

He's the human jean gnome.

Going to an orgy in the South is a lot like going to Olive Garden

When you’re there you’re family.

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The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook tha...

A man goes into his garden and notes a broken fence.

He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices – that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since it’s free, he feels like he has nothin...

I have a bird feeder in the garden.

It also works as a cat feeder.

Just saw Micheal J Fox in the local garden centre

At least I think it was him - he had his back to the fuchsias.

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I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.

When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?"

The ignorant bastard just ignored me.

Many gardeners mistakenly refer to the short, bearded statues they decorate their gardens with as "Elves".

It's a common misgnomer.

I spent most of the day in the garden with my step ladder.

Not my real ladder, my step ladder.

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My 7 year old son said he wanted a treehouse in our back garden.

25 years growing that tree and now he says he doesn't want it anymore... Ungrateful bastard.

Digging holes

A man goes to a Buddhist retreat to get in touch with his spiritual side. While there, he takes part in meditation, gardening, running and listening to music.

He also notices a group of monks doing some strange things. Every day, the monks would spend the morning digging holes, putting up po...

My neighbor just buried $100,000 in his backyard garden..

..he wanted to make his soil richer.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

My neighbor broke down into tears after I asked him about his garden placement.

He’s growing through a rough patch.

Why did the garden divorce the field?

He caught her being plowed by a hoe

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Just arrived home early from work and saw some thieving bastard that had been trying to break in to my house

....he managed to escape by hopping over the neighbour's gardens...

I'm proud of my wife though, she must have put up some fight because she's half naked, covered in sweat and can hardly walk.

Every day we wake up to a guy in the garden singing ...

“If I were a rich man
Yubby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dum
All day long I’d Biddy Biddy Bum
If I were a wealthy man.”

I tell my wife it’s the morning Jew.

I was digging in the back garden...

.. Whan I came across a horde of viking coins, I was so excited I almost ran in to tell my wife,



Until I remembered why I was digging.

I once saw a German Shepherd taking a dump on my front garden.

Then his dog came along.

Why did God create Eve?

Because every Garden needs a hoe.

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Little Firefighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and he...

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I saw some prostitutes hanging around my local garden centre

I guess it is a bit of a seedy establishment

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A pornstar an a nun enter a bar...

The pornstar (male) already wanted to fuck. He sees this young nun,and confident of his body and his charm,he goes to talk to her and says;

-I'll be honest. I came here 'cause I want to fuck you

-Oh good Lord! Of course not! I made a promise. I can't do that.

The nun then,...

I didn't really like gardening at first

But then it started to grow on me

Personal ad

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legs, who will enjoy a good fuc-

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Please read only lines 1, 3 and 5.

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been ...

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A little boy lived next door to a fire station...

He would watch in awe as the fire trucks left the station with sirens blazing. The kid decided he was going to become a fireman. So he grabbed his radio flyer and stuck a makeshift ladder on it. Then he found a piece of old garden hose. He was well on his way. He remembered his plastic fireman's ha...

An old joke my cousin told me long ago.

Life is not a garden. Don’t be a ho.

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Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their co...

You wife was a stripper and now teaches gardening classes...

Color me impressed...

I didn’t know you could lead a horticulture

My neighbour used to sell Ukranian eggs.

If you don't know what those are, it's when you draw on eggs with wax and then soak them in coloured dyes to create special designs. It's an art form called Pysanky - you should look it up.


He used to sell them out of a little stall in his front garden. I never really saw many people bu...

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Roses are red.

Violets are red.

Tulips are red.

Bushes are red.

Trees are red.

Holy shit! My garden is on FIRE!

Roses are red,

Roses are red,

violets are red,

trees are red,

grass is red,



fu\*k my garden's on fire

What's the difference between my garden and Valve?

One is full of vegetables that, despite the talent put into cultivating them, haven't produced anything of worth in the past five plus years.

The other is in my backyard.

There was once a man

Let's call him Jim. Jim had a remarkably ordinary life. He went to school, got his degree, got himself a secure office job, set up his pension fund, met a nice girl, got married, and had 2 wonderful sons. Jim was set for life. But he was bored.

It was that sneaky boredom that you don't quite ...

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

Our neighbor shot my DJI Mavic over his garden.

This means war!

Another joke about Tommy, who has no arms and legs

Tommy was in the garden, playing in the sandbox. As he has no arms, he uses his mouth to pick up the shovels and his other sandbox toys.

As Tommy is happily playing along, his mother opens the window of their flat - which is on the 50th floor - and shouts: "Tommy! Lunch is ready!". Because to...

An elderly man was sitting in a park

and noticed a young boy playing with an earth worm. The young boy was rubbing the worm and after a few moments the wiggly thing had become firm and straight as an arrow. The man watched the boy slide the worm into a drinking straw and placed the straw in his pouch.
The man was amazed at this s...

Just had Little Richard round to trim the garden

He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to th...

A husband and wife are staring at their garden.

“Sooner or later,” the wife comments, “you’re going to have to put in a better scarecrow.”

“What’s wrong with the one we’ve got?” asks the husband. “It scares away all the birds and it’s still got a few good years left.”

“I agree,” the wife says, “but my mother can’t stay out there for...

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What do you call it when a garden shed supports the Nazi movement?

The Third Rake

I started growing some fungi in my garden, but it failed miserably.

I guess there is mushroom for improvement

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Escargot

As a man is leaving his house for work his wife shouts out "Don't forget to buy a bag of snails on your way home, my parents are coming for dinner remember".

The man agrees and rushes off to work, where he has a terrible, stressful day. Sure enough when he gets home he's forgotten the bag of ...

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3 men shipwrecked on desert island

(Beer garden banter joke. Works best when you use yourself and people you know as the protagonists, just replace names and choose the butt of the joke)

3 men get shipwrecked on a desert island.
Their boat ruined they head in-land to find salvation, when out of the trees lunges a huge 7 fo...

What do you call a Yeti Gardener?

A hairy Potter.

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A police officer sees an old lady dragging two large garbage bags down the sidewalk...

He takes a closer look and sees that one of the bags has a small tear in it and $20 bills are escaping from the hole every few yards. The officer approaches the lady and asks what's in the bags. "This one's filled with $20 bills", she replies. "Where did you get all that money?", the policeman enqui...

went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”

I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

TIL that Garden Gnomes are a symbol of good luck.

It’s a little gnome fact.

My wife's most recent obsession is growing melons, and she makes me help her in the garden.

It's always "honey do this" and "honey do that"

One spring afternoon, 3 were having a picnic in their garden.

Suddenly, the eldest daughter asks, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy name me Lily?”


To which the mother replies, “Well Lily, you may not know this, but all 3 of you girls were born in this very garden and when you finally were born, a single Lily petal fell on your head, and so we named you ...

I was in my herb garden yesterday and one of my plants told me I was useless.

I think it was discouragemint.

Two ladies are gardening...

One pulls out a HUGE carrot with a deformed, bulbous end on it and says, "That reminds me of my husband's!"

The other lady gasps and asks, "Oh my, is he that big?!"

"No, he's that dirty."

What do you call a row of bunnies replanting their garden?

A reseeding hareline.

My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathes nude in her garden...

Personally, I’m on the fence

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