I was busy in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. “What are you doing?”

I said “I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...”

She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time..!”

Oh that's easy I said, “Its right next to the sage.”

Just saw two birds stuck together in the garden.

I think they are velcrows

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden

*The plot thickens.*

My 8 year old son was in the garden playing football today, he tripped over his own feet and lay on the floor for 5 minutes, screaming and thrashing like he'd been beaten up.

I'm so proud of him, he's going to be in the Premier League one day :')

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My son's been really worried about his puppy's upset stomach, so in the night I let him into the garden for a shit.

"Why can't I just use the toilet?" he always asks.

Two women are talking over a garden fence.

I was sorry to hear about your husband dying in the garden. Whatever happened?

Well, he was bent over pulling up a cabbage for our dinner and he had a massive heart attack.

Oh dear, what did you do?

Nothing else I could do. I had to open a tin of peas.

I hope I can save my herb garden from this infestation.

I'm running out of thyme!

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

We all know the story about Eve eating the apple in the Garden of Eden...

But God also forbade Eve from bathing in the nearby river. One day God came down from heaven to find Eve disregarding his command, washing herself in the river.

God put his hands on his hips and shook his head. "Dammit! I'm never going to get that smell out of the fish."

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

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An elderly man living alone in Sussex wanted to plant his annual tomato garden...

...but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and lamented his predicament:

*Dear Paul,*

*I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato gar...

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"

They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and ...

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An elderly monk is tending to his garden when a young student comes by.

The student notices that the ancient monk is planting date palms. Curious, he thinks, for the date palm is known for its long fruiting time, and those the monk is planting today will take at least 7 years to bear any fruit. He approaches the monk and asks, "why do you plant these dates when you know...

Think I saw Michael J Fox at the garden centre this morning

Can’t be sure though, he had his back to the fuchsias

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"

"Well, my goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied... "That's because he's inside your cat!"

My nephew asked me to drop him at the garden

I don't know why he cried so much when I did it. Dropping from 6 ft wouldn't hurt that much, would it?

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I remember when I was an apprentice Japanese gardener and showed my master the pot of bulbs I'd planted..

" You Lack Crocus" he said..

What do you call a musical garden figure who often rides the subway?

A metrognome.

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

What do Olive Garden and brothels in Alabama have in common?

They both use the slogan “When you’re here, you’re family”

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Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.

They showed me a Volkswagen beetle.

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My neighbour was sunbathing naked in her garden and as I was wanking while watching her from the window I caught my wife staring at me in the doorway...

Do you think she might be a pervert?

I was at the garden centre earlier

Its roughly 10' from my back door

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

Why didn’t the gardener cut his roses?

Because they used to be buds!

Why'd the gardener get banned from the hospital?

He kept watering the vegetables.

Q: What is a gardener's favorite game genre?

A: plantformers

George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would ...

A lady is walking to the store when the sees the most beautiful garden shes ever seen....

She askes the man wattering his garden

"Excuse me sir, how do you get such red tomatoes?"

"Well" he said, "it's a bit embarrassing, but every morning I get up and come outside in just my robe and flash my tomatoes. Then the tomatoes blush and turn redder! You should try it sometime!"...

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would n...

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Never have sex with a garden hose...

They’re too kinky.

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

Why couldn't Mary Poppins keep her herb garden alive?

Because Bert kept stepping in the thyme.

Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?

It's a little gnome fact.

I was digging in our garden when i found a chest full of gold coins

I was about to run inside and tell my wife about it, but then i remembered why i was digging in our garden

What's the best part about Gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes!

My gardener is entering his Bonsai plants in a contest this weekend

I’m rooting for him

What do you get when you cross a gardener with an author?

Someone who perpetually thickens the plot.

One day, God visits Adam as he walks through the Garden of Eden...

"My son, I've decided to end your loneliness and give you a companion. She shall be called Eve, and she will be beautiful, never age, always stay faithful, and be loyal to your every command. She will fulfill all of your desires and make you feel complete as a man."

To which Adam replies "So...

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just ...

I asked my wife to grab 6 asparagus stalks from the garden. She came back with 7.

The last one was just a spare, I guess.

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The neighbour’s dog crapped in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don’t see what that solved. We’ve still got dog poo in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

What is an epileptic person's favorite dish at Olive Garden?

A seizure salad

Just put an electric fence around my garden..

My neighbor is dead against it.

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

I stole some gardening equipment from a pimp.

He found me, grabbed me by my collar and shouted, "Where my hoes at?"

I have some weeds in my potato garden

That’s OK, I was going to make baked potatoes anyway.

Did you see Trump's Rose Garden speech?

It's going viral!

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Y...

In the Garden of Eden, why didn’t Eve want Adam listening to her while she went to the restroom?

Because eavesdropping.

Why are gardens in England so small?

They are only one yard.

Solid Old-Time Joke

Priest is walking through his parish, one of the hard-bitten sections of town. Pretty woman on the corner calls out to him, "Head, 10 bucks." He smiles politely, walks on, ruminates.

When he gets back to the cathedral he's still thinking it over. Walking through the garden, he comes upon one ...

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Eden garden (Translate from my birth language)

3 friends died in a car accident and arrived at the gate. St-Peter is there to greet them.
He told them, that to cross the gate, they all have to pick up a fruit or a vegetable in the eden garden.
The first one arrive with a carrot. St-Peter told him that to enter heaven, he must put the ent...

What did the gardener say when he found a guy high on weed?

Keep off the grass

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A man is trying to water his garden.

However, when he aims his hose, instead of water coming out, he hears a voice saying "Piss in my mouth".

He keeps trying, but whatever he tries, he just hears more out of the hose. "Mmm, oh yeah, pee all over my face, get it in my mouth, oh yeah."

This is ridiculous, he thinks. I just ...

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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree in his garden.

He flicks through the phone book until he finds an animal removal service, gives them a call and explains his situation. 15 minutes later, a guy turns up in a van and takes out a ladder, a long stick, a shotgun, a pair of handcuffs and a pitbull.

The worker says to the man "Right, here's the ...

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God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.

God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?"

"Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was *awesome*. We're going to call it 'sex'!"

God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You a...

A father calls his son in prison and tells him he’s getting to old to dig his garden

A few days later 20 policemen turn up at his fathers house and proceed to dig up the whole garden.
The father calls his son in prison and tells him what happened.
His son says “that’s ok dad I told one of the wardens I hid the stolen jewels in your garden “

God appeared to Adam in the Garden...

God appeared to Adam in the Garden of Eden one morning. While discussing the naming of the animals and such, God noticed Eve wasn’t there. God asked Adam, “where is Eve my son?”

Adam reply’s, “oh she is down at the river bathing”.

God then gasps, “Oh no, no, no! I’ll never get that sme...

Garden-variety hoe...

still sounds like a terrible insult despite clearly specifying which kind of hoe is meant.

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The Pope is in his garden one day

Suddenly, he is overwhelmed with urges and starts to jerk off. Just as he finishes, he notices someone watching him from behind a tree. He shouts "Who is there? Come out now!"

A journalist with a camera comes out from behind the tree and says "I saw what you were doing and I took some picture...

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

The garden of eden

Adam and God are walking side by side through the garden admiring the various plants and animals. It was a pleasant and gleeful afternoon.
Adam was noticing that all of his animal friends had mates. There were males and females.

Adam: God, may I have a female mate?

God: This is a ...

[NSFW] Why did the gardeners wife file for a divorce?

Because he didn't want to de-flower her

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What’s the difference between a nazi who likes to garden, and my foot condition?

One is a fascist planter

The other is plantar fasciitis

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Four nuns go to confession

The first goes into the confession booth and confesses: "I have sinned by looking at parts of a mans body I shouldn't have, father".
The priest tells her to go to the garden and wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun goes in and confesses: "forgive me father for I have touched parts of ...

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So my neighbour with the big titties is outside gardening topless again today.

I just wish his wife would do the same.

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What does a garden and a vagina have in common?

Tulips

God visits Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden

One day, God decides to visit Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.

God asks Adam "how is everything? Are you enjoying yourselves?"

Adam says, "yes, everything is just great, God"

Satisfied with the answer, God turns to leave. But before he does, he quickly asks "by the way, where...

Dalai Lama walks in to a Garden Centre and calmly wanders* around.

After some time an employee notices him placing something in to a small container of soil. Confused as to what he's just seen he approaches The Dalai Lama and asks him "Can I help you with anything, what exactly are you looking for?". The Dalai Lama replies enthusiastically "Peace on earth!". "Ah, I...

An elephant escapes from the circus

It wanders around and eventually ends uo in an old lady's garden eating the vegetables. The old lady came out and had never seen an elephant before nor did she know what it was. Panicked she ran inside and called the police

"Hello, what is your emergency" said the operator

"There is so...

Where does a herb garden go on holiday?

Bazil

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A rich man comes home to tell his wife

He lost his every thing in the stock market crash and they need to change their lifestyle.
He says to his wife if you learn how to cook we can fire the chef. She replies with if you learn how to fuck we can fire the gardener as well.

The best part about the garden at the psychiatric hospital?

It’s full of nuts.

Which flower in the garden will creep you out?

A bug-on-ya.

An arsonist lights an economist's house on fire.

When the economist arrives home, he turns on the garden hose in his front yard and sprays a huge blast of water on the fire. This completely puts out the fire, but now a section of the house is covered in water.

The next day, the arsonist lights a chemist's house on fire.

When the chem...

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Cinderella wants to go to the Ball

But her evil Step- mother won't allow her. Cinderella runs to the garden and cries. Suddenly her fairy godmother appears out of thin air. The fairy godmother asks "why are you crying child?" Cinderella tells her about the ball and her evil step-mother not letting her go. The fairy godmother tells C...

Shamus Murphy was enjoying a pint at the bar, when he saw someone who looked very familiar

Aye! You look familiar, what is your name?

Me name is Angus Murphy.

You don't say? M'name is Shamus Murphy!

You don' say? Did you grow up in the town of Derry?

I did! Did you go to Saint Anthony's?

I did! Did you have an Aunt named Mildred?

I did! Did your f...

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A wise old monk was planting a date tree in his garden when a young man walked by.

This confused the man, who knew date trees take 80 years to bear fruit, so he asked the monk:

"Why are you planting a date tree, when you will never live to enjoy its fruit?"

The old monk smiled amicably at the young man and answered:

"My son. Go eat a fat dick. It's my garden, ...

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to ...

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A fireman is sitting in front of the station when he sees a little boy coming down the street in a little red wagon. He's put little ladders on the side and a garden hose is coiled in the front.

The kid is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is tied to a dog and cat who are pulling the wagon.

"That sure is a nice fire truck you got there."
"Thanks," the boy says.

The fireman looks more closely and sees the boy has the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's test...

One day a boy was playing in the garden of his house and his grandfather approached him:

Hey, what are you doing? Asked the grandfather.

The boy replied: I'm playing with putting worms back on the ground, Grandpa.

The amazed grandfather asked: but how do you put the worms back? they are all soft ...

It's a secret, but if you give me $ 10 I can tell you.

The g...

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A man has a chat with his neighbour across the road about the neighbour needing help with their back garden...

When the two finish their conversation, the man agrees to help the neighbour with his garden, and when they finish the job, the neighbour will pay the man.

The next day comes and the man comes back from the neighbours house all puffed out and tired, he sits down on the couch and calls his fr...

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So I was watching this gardening show...

... and the presenter, a renown gardener, was talking about how great it is to mix in cow dung with your strawberries.

Don't do it, it tastes like shit, stick to whipped cream and white sugar !

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what had captured her attention. He noti...

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I need to Re-Home a Dog.

It's a very small Terrier that tends to bark a lot. If you are interested.


Let me know and I will jump over my neighbour's garden fence and get the fucker for you...........

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

My five year old just told me this one...

Why did the snowman go to the vegetable garden?

So he could go pick his nose.

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In the garden at the mental hospital, six patients are sat outside when the cat walks past.

The zoophile says: Let's fuck the cat.

The sadist says: Let's fuck the cat and then torture it.

The psychopath says: Let's fuck the cat, torture it and then kill it.

The necrophile says: Let's fuck the cat, torture it, kill it and then fuck it again.

The pyromaniac says: ...

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Two old men are walking in the garden of their retirement home...

All the sudden, some old woman jumps out of the bushes right in front of them, swings her bathrobe wide open and exposing her naked body beneath shouts "SUPERPUSSY!!!"

One man turns to the other, taps his hearing aid and says loudly:
"WHAT DID SHE SAY, LARRY?"

"She said SUPERPUSSY, ...

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Roses are dead, Violets are dead

I'm shit at gardening.

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A boy starts his first day working at walmart

A boy starts his first day at walmart.
His trainer says to him " I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd"
So the trainer goes to the first customer and says " can I help you mam?"
Lady goes "Ya I'm looking for some garden hose."
T...

How long does it take to grow a herb garden?

A lot of thyme

I got banned from Olive Garden for eating too much breadsticks

“*how many did you eat?**”
“Olive them.”

Adam and Eve were in different parts of the Garden of Eden when the Lord ......

......... commanded Adam to go and squeeze Eve's hand.

"What's a squeeze, Lord?" Adam asked.

The Lord explained, and Adam went and squeezed Eve's hand. Then the Lord told Adam to kiss Eve.

Again, Adam was confused and asked for an explanation, which was given.

And Adam we...

What's the name of a common garden plant, that if sat under for more than 5 minutes, would cause almost guaranteed death?

A Water Lilly.

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

At a crowded garden party.

So, a couple years back, I was at a pretty fancy outdoors party. It seemed like the whole town was there. But the atmosphere was nice, and the local band played some good music, so I enjoyed myself.

I thought I'd like a nice cold beer in the warm weather, so I went over to the bar. As I appro...

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Nine medical tests you can do by yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbour’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.
If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.
If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, you are d...

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There was once a couple who were very, very dumb.

They used to listen to everything said to them without thinking any deeper.

After about a year after their marriage, a beautiful baby boy was born to them. They decided to baptize him and name him according to a very popular astrologer's idea. So they took him to the astrologer's sanctum
<...

Why do pimps make good gardeners

Because they are used to garden hose

My dad used to be a gardener and he had a saying:

“Son, one day you’ll have to understand that it’s hoes before hoes”

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A woman was asked for a pay raise by her maid

Woman: Why do you want a raise?

Maid: There are 3 reasons why I want a raise. The first one is that I iron better than you.

Woman: Bullshit! Who said that you iron better than me?

Maid: Your husband said so.

Woman: Oh...

Maid: The second reason is that I am a bette...

I heard a burglar in my back garden

I wanted to go out and confront him but I didn’t want him to take a fence

Why did the chicken cross the garden?

To get to the Canadian side.

Please come north, we have poutine

Have you heard of the Irish guy who fixes garden chairs?

His name is Paddy O'Furniture

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A lady I often chat with at the grocery store was ringing up my groceries asked my how things are going

I told her that it was a bit of a rough patch because my start-up business wasn't doing so well. She expressed some sympathy as it's pretty rough times right now, and asked me what my business was.

See, I'd done some research of nutrient quality in various fertilizers and I'd determined that ...

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This wealthy couple are employing a housemaid. She decides to ask for a raise.

She goes to the lady and asks: “Ma’am, I’d like a raise.”

The lady responds: “A raise? But why on earth? I see no reason why.”

The housemaid says: “Well, for starters, I cook better than you, ma’am.”

The lady gets annoyed and replies: “Where does that come from?”

“Well, M...

Digging a hole in the garden.

Lock down has had some highs and lows. For instance, I've had a bit more time to spend in the garden while the weather was fine.
I was digging a hole one day and couldn't believe it when I found a large number of what I think are roman coins. I was so excited that I ran back into the house to te...

A man goes into his garden and notes a broken fence.

He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices – that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since it’s free, he feels like he has nothin...

After Adam and Eve arrived in Eden, he stayed out late a few nights wandering the garden.

Eve became suspicious.
“Are you running around with another woman?” Eve fired off.
“What other woman?” Adam exclaimed “ You’re it!”
That night, Adam was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.
“What are you doing?”
“Counting your ribs.”

Someone just stole some grass from my garden

Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf

I was in the garden section of the hardware store and some guy asked me if I wanted decking.

Luckily I got the first punch in.

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

Dave was doing push up in a garden noticed a man intently observing him...

Dave raised questioning eyebrows, the man said sorry to break it to you buddy but woman under you have long gone.

Greatest Creation Ever

So Adam was in the Garden of Eden tending the plants and animals. God comes down and sees Adam. After awhile God says to Adam " Adam you've been such a good subject I think I will give you a reward. God says as a matter of fact it will be my Greatest Creation Ever. It will only cost you an arm and a...

You're all invited to the garden party..

.. So lettuce turnip the beet

I don’t understand my missus. First she says, “Yes, fine, have a tattoo!”

and now she’s moaning about all the bagpipers in the garden!

We hired a landscape gardener for some work

But he said my garden was portrait and he couldn't help.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we'd still be in the Garden of Eden

They would have eaten the serpent

A man can’t decide what to get his girlfriend, a florist, for her birthday.

He goes all around town in search for a gift when he discovers a lovely garden of flowers. Because his wife loves flowers, he decides to pick out a lovely bouquet of daisies, roses and dandelions. The garden is empty and lifeless when he leaves that day.

When the day of his girlfriend’s birt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy is visiting his Grandpa for a weekend.

When the young boy arrives he is treated to a great barbeque dinner. Smoked ribs smothered in a homemade southern BBQ sauce, coleslaw, steak fries, and biscuits slathered in butter.

The next morning the boy comes down for a hearty breakfast of bacon, sausage, eggs, and fried potatoes. Before ...

How can you tell an unidentified plant in your garden is a weed?

Try to pull it out. If it comes out easily, it's not a weed.

What is a Gardener's favorite show?

Lawn and order.

The Catholic church released a fun PC game which takes place in the garden of Eden. You play as Eve and Adam is hiding from you. Your goal is to hunt him down with a slingshot.

It's a first person shooter.

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay but after a while sh...

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