I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

As I suspected, Someone has been planting soil in my garden

The plot thickens

What's the difference between my garden and Valve?

One is full of vegetables that, despite the talent put into cultivating them, haven't produced anything of worth in the past five plus years.

The other is in my backyard.

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and quite beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No way! They have no clothing and no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, a...

What is every priest's favourite kind of garden?

Kindergarten.

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My 5 year old son said he wanted a treehouse in the back garden...

...20 years growing a tree and now he doesn't want it anymore...ungrateful cunt!

While digging a hole in my garden, i found my lost wedding ring..

I rushed in to tell my wife, but remembered why i was digging the hole in the first place.

I have a beautiful garden in my backyard where I grow vegetables.

Every day I would take ripe vegetables to the farmers market and sell them.
Potatoes, carrots, eggplants, and so on.
One day the cops arrested me for public urination.
Apparently, you can't take your peas and leaks in the public.

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them.

and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first priest candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final. As she danced, his ...

I have a bird feeder in my garden.

It's also a cat feeder.

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I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.

When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?"

The ignorant bastard just ignored me.

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I saw some prostitutes hanging around my local garden centre

I guess it is a bit of a seedy establishment

I once saw a German Shepherd taking a dump on my front garden.

Then his dog came along.

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to th...

My wife's most recent obsession is growing melons, and she makes me help her in the garden.

It's always "honey do this" and "honey do that"

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What do you call it when a garden shed supports the Nazi movement?

The Third Rake

How do you turn a garden salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it a bunch of times.

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My neighbor with the big boobs has been walking up and down the garden all day.

I just wish his wife would do the same.

I started growing some fungi in my garden, but it failed miserably.

I guess there is mushroom for improvement

Just had Little Richard round to trim the garden

He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo

A man goes into his garden and notes a broken fence.

He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices – that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since it’s free, he feels like he has nothin...

I was digging in the back garden...

.. Whan I came across a horde of viking coins, I was so excited I almost ran in to tell my wife,



Until I remembered why I was digging.

I have a plant in my garden that will kill you if you sit under it for just ten minutes

It's called a water lily.

A French sparrow came to my garden....

... to see her English sparrow boyfriend. The are flitting around the garden exploring. “Is that a worm?” Asks the French sparrow. Her boyfriend goes over and pecks it with his beak. “No, it is quite cold but it still tastes nice”.

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

A husband and wife are staring at their garden.

“Sooner or later,” the wife comments, “you’re going to have to put in a better scarecrow.”

“What’s wrong with the one we’ve got?” asks the husband. “It scares away all the birds and it’s still got a few good years left.”

“I agree,” the wife says, “but my mother can’t stay out there for...

One spring afternoon, 3 were having a picnic in their garden.

Suddenly, the eldest daughter asks, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy name me Lily?”


To which the mother replies, “Well Lily, you may not know this, but all 3 of you girls were born in this very garden and when you finally were born, a single Lily petal fell on your head, and so we named you ...

went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”

I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

I was in my herb garden yesterday and one of my plants told me I was useless.

I think it was discouragemint.

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

What do you call a row of bunnies replanting their garden?

A reseeding hareline.

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One day, God met with Adam in the garden of Eden

"Hey Adam, I have two new organs for you," said god

"What are they?" Adam Replied

"Well," said God, "We have a brain, which will let you make intelligent decisions and hold conversations with Eve."

"That's Great!" Adam said, "What's the other one?"

"That would be a penis,...

I got really excited when girlfriend asked me to do some edging around her flower garden

Unfortunately her Mormon summer camp experiences were different than mine.

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A retired Italian man is working away in his garden when he finds a mysterious old lamp

He picks up and lamp and rubs it, and out pops a genie. The genie explains to him that he only gets one wish, so he should think on it and make it a good one. The man thinks for a few moments before saying "my wife and I love to drink wine, I'd like to be able to make the best wine in the world!" th...

Help wanted at herb garden.

Full thyme.

Why were the garden shears so advanced ?

Because they used cutting-hedge technology

What percentage of Olive Garden’s menu is prepared via microwave?

Olive it

TIL that Garden Gnomes are a symbol of good luck.

It’s a little gnome fact.

My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathes nude in her garden...

Personally, I’m on the fence

What did the Scottish woman do when she found a trumpet buried in her garden?

She had to root-e-toot

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A couple are discussing starting a garden

"You know, I really love the roses and chrysanthemums," remarked the wife. "Maybe I'll start by planting those."

"Oh sure, why not," replied the husband. "Hey, let's start doing that now! It's a beautiful Saturday morning and we don't have anything else to do."

"Alright, let me just ru...

My garden has been invaded by hedgehogs.

Pricks.

One day, an old man was hammering a large, wooden stake into his garden.

Unfortunately, that same day, the captain of the Navy was walking past. When the stake caught his eye (despite it being very basic and unattractive), he decided he wanted to own it. So, he waited for the old man to leave, and promptly pulled it out and carried it away to his submarine, where he foun...

My local garden centre is doing buy one, get one free on manure.

Now that's an offer not to be sniffed at.

Why do you never take a date to Olive Garden?

Because when you're there you're family.

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An old Italian man lived alone in the country

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to...

A man approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back garden..

I think hes lost the plot!

My kids were playing in the garden and didn't tell me they needed to go toilet...

I guess you could say they soiled themselves

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I've just been watching a pair of blue tits in the garden.

I told the wife it was too cold for sunbathing!

I just saw someone stealing a garden gate!

I didn't say anything in case he took a fence.

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”

The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”

The Russian replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothi...

The day after his wife moved out, a man built a greenhouse in his garden

Her last words before leaving had been "call me when you've grown a pear."

A shop that sells fake grass for gardens was robbed...

Afterwards the owner was asked why he was so defensive during the robbery of the fake grass, to which he replied:

“Well, it’s my home turf.”

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.

The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?”

The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.”

When it's sunny, I think, beer garden! When it rains, I usually go to the bar for a while. When it's snowing, I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.

I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather…

For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep,garden and drive.

I think I'm being stalked.

My electrician has been bragging that he ran power to his linseed garden.

Wired flax, but ok.

A woman walked out to her garden and saw a man in her tree.

"What on earth is going on here?" she asked.

The man replied, "I'm every so sorry, madam. An awfully embarrassing incident has happened here. I'm a skydiving instructor, the landing didn't go as I'd expected."

The woman frowned, and said, "But there's no parachute...and why are you hol...

I found out my friend has been stealing garden gates recently.

I don’t want to confront him though incase he takes offence.

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A child asked his father, "Why do good people die young?"

His father responded, "When you are in a garden, which flower do you pick?"

The child responded, "The Ugly Ones."

The father, unprepared for that respsonse, asked, "Why?"

"Because ugly bitches don't belong in my garden"

One day Adam stood in the garden of Eden and asked

"God, what is this life without a companion to live it with?"

God looked down upon Adam and responded. "How Adam, would you like your companion to be formed?"

"God, I would like you to create for me a companion who is beautiful as a sunrise, smells like wild flowers, is as wise as an...

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A Couple having sex in the garden at night....

He says "I wish i had a torch" she says "So do I, you've been licking that slug on the grass for the last ten minutes"

Me:I got removed from Olive Garden for eating too many breadsticks. Friend:How many did you eat?

Me:Olive them

Garden of Eden

It was the day of the judgement and God was really happy with what USA has done in its short time on earth. In fact God was so happy that it decided to allow all the presidents and first ladies in the garden of Eden for eternal happiness.

And so one by all presidents and first ladies present ...

Don’t tell secrets in the garden

The potatoes have eyes, the corn have ears and the beanstalk.

Adam is in the Garden of Eden...

Adam is in the Garden of Eden when he finds himself quite lonely.

He calls upon God, and asks him "Lord almighty, may you find me company here?"

God, in his infinite kindness, responds "Of course my child, I shall create a being to accompany you. The being will be beautiful, intelligen...

Why was the Gardener embarrassed?

He wet his plants.

What do you call an Irish Garden Chair?

Paddy O’Furniture...

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey...

Barry Allen (the Flash) wanted to have an herb garden, but decided against it.

I mean, he really shouldn't be travelling through thyme...

What do you get when bigfoot stomps on your garden?

Squash

I started my first rock garden last week

Three of them already died.

Octopuses Garden

An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman.
He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play th...

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A guy looks over his fence into the neighbors garden to see a little boy crying and filling in a big hole.

"Why are you crying?" He asks the little boy

"My goldfish died, I've buried him" says the boy

"That's very sad, but why such a big hole?"

"because he's inside your fucking cat"

God is in Heaven and looks down on the Garden of Eden...

... and he sees Adam and Eve being more intimate than he’d planned.

So God rushes down as fast as he can and catches up with Adam and reprimands him.

“What do you think you’re doing? You’re both supposed to remain pure!”

Adam looks down, embarrassed and God soon notices that Eve...

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This is getting way out of hand. For the past week, every morning at 6am sharp, a German Shepherd has come in to my garden and taken a giant poop, right there on the lawn. And you'll never believe what happened today...

He brought his dog with him.

I can't stop my dog from digging in the garden.

I guess in the end I'll have to take the shovel from him.

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Daddy, I've just seen two fairies at the bottom of the garden

Humouring her I said, "Really, what were they doing?"

She said, "Sucking each other's cocks.

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The neighbor’s dog shit in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence…

I don’t see what that solved.

Now we’ve got dog shit in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel…

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.

He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.


His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.
He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here,...

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A Southern plantation owner once saw his slave peeing in the garden.

A Southern plantation owner once saw his slave peeing in the garden. He was amazed looking at the size of the penis he had.

He called him and asked "How come you black men have such big dongs?"

Slave :Its an ancient secret passed on from our tribe through generations,when you have sex,...

3 nuns are travelling in a bus when it crashes...

All of the nuns died instantly, and find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates, where St Peter is waiting for them.

He said to the nuns, "Before I can let you in to heaven you each have to answer a question."

To the first nun, St Peter asks "Where did Adam meet the first wo...

What's Irish and sits in your garden?

Paddy O' Furniture

What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?

A seizure salad.

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