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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,


I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.


Love Dad.
\~\~\...

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A man was working in the garden...

...and his wife was about to take a shower.
He realized that he couldn't find the rake.. and yelled up to his wife,
"Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear and she shouted back, "What?"
He pointed to his eye, and then pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.
his wife wasn't sure a...

I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden

Oopsie daisies

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

Two snowmen in a garden,

one says to the other, "can you smell carrots?".

What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 10 ft. of garden hose?

Baby! Honey! Darling!

Adam is in the Garden of Eden and is feeling lonely. So he asks God for someone to share his existence with.

God answers “of course, I can create a being that will support you no matter what you do, provide for you, and never argue”.

Adam is excited and asks “that sounds perfect, what will it cost me”

“An arm and a leg”

“….what can I get for a rib?”

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”

Her neighbor replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”

She says Well, ...

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My neighbor with huge tits keeps gardening outside shirtless all day

I just wish his wife would do the same

What’s red, smells, and is often picked in the garden?

I don’t know either, but my teacher got very angry when I said nose.

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A young Japanese man was fleeing war

He ended in front of a Buddhist temple. He was granted access to this beautiful place and after a few weeks he saw the oldest high priest planting a tree.
He asked the old priest what is he doing. Priest said that the tree would cast a cooling shadow in the midst of the hottest summer when fully...

What's the difference between a gardener and a pimp?

A gardener doesn't want his hose to have kinks.

A married couple were walking through a garden

when suddenly a dog ran towards them.

They both knew it will bite them..

The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart.

The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away.

The husband put his wife down, expecting ...

Did you hear about the engineer who liked gardening?

he was developing latest hedge cutting technology

A Mexican politician and an American politician are having dinner

They are eating at the American politician's house. A 6 bedroom house with a 2 Mercedes Benz at the front. And a 500 square foot garden.

The Mexican politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.

The American politician said: "see that highway over there?...

I own a chain of garden centres across the US

I got hoes, in different area codes.

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

Landscape Gardeners

I've been trying to get someone to redo my garden, but i'm not having much luck.

I've found several landscape gardeners, but mine is portrait.

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Eleanor and Gertrude were harvesting carrots in the garden

After a while, Gertrude pulls out a massive carrot, as long as her arm, covered in dirt.

"Now see here, Eleanor, this is like my man's."

"That big?!"

"No, that dirty."

Every day I see my big-breasted neighbour doing gardening work in front of the house.

I really hope his wife tells him to put a shirt on someday.

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I hired a gardener because my wife said she would have sex with me after I got the yard work done.

Everything was going great then I tried to pay him and he said “your wife already took care of it”

This just keeps getting better.

I was busy in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. “What are you doing?”

I said “I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...”

She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time..!”

Oh that's easy I said, “Its right next to the sage.”

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden

_Here's one I vividly remember being told by a kid in a playground when I was about 5 years old._


A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden. Incredulous they demand to see it for themselves.

When they get into the garden they see the slide is signif...

I didn't know how to prep my soil for gardening, so I asked Ludacris. He said...

"USE A HOE"

"USE A HOE"

"USE A HOE"

"I SAID TO USE A HOE!!!"

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I was digging in my garden this morning and found some gold coins.

I was really excited and rushed inside to tell the prostitute about it but then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

My best friend went to prison because he kept stealing things from people's gardens. He was just released but my wife told me not to invite him to our BBQ next week.

I feel a bit bad. I hope he doesn't take a fence.

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My girlfriend's moving in with me this week so this morning I burned all my porn DVDs in the garden.

Now all I have to do is burn the ones in the shed, the house, and the garage.

What do you call someone who buys up the garden store's entire stock of shrubbery?

A hedgehog!

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Adam said unto the lord...

‘This garden of Eden you have provided, it has endless beauty and boundless supplies of nuts and berries.
But I’ve no one to share it with oh lord.’

The lord was a pretty sharp dude and said unto Adam...

‘Actually I’ve been thinking about that very problem. I can see that you are ...

If you like flowers but don't like gardening

Run over a kid outside your driveway

-Jimmy Carr

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Joke: Creation

*Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.*

*"It's a very hand...

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"

They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and ...

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

Having a bad day

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think yo...

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A bear got the habit to steal mead from one bee-garden

Owner doesn't know what to do: as soon as he gets the gun out, bear climbs to a large tree and can't be reached. One day beekeeper sees advertisement in a local paper: will help with any animals. He calls the number, and over an hour hefty man arrives with a shovel and tiny white dog. This is Snowfl...

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Who's egg is it anyways!

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.


One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's ...

Just saw two birds stuck together in the garden.

I think they are velcrows

American Tourist

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very hi...

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My wife used to grow cucumbers in her garden to use as dildos.

She had to stop after a problem with squatters

Where does the gardener go to get rid of her unwanted flowers?

Plant Parenthood

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A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arriv...

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in ...

Did you hear about the pimp who took up gardening?

He had a lot of hoes.

Why should you always get a pedicure before planting your garden?

Toes before hoes

What kinda hoes help you tend to your garden?

Helpful hoes.

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Paddy is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home.

Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mary, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Padd...

Always hug your enemies

Then you'll know what size the hole needs to be in your garden

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My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we...

George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would ...

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Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.

So a rabbit is enjoying some earl grey in his garden when his friend arrives.

His friend says, "Please come back to us."

The rabbit, formerly Jewish, says, "No, sorry, I don't believe anymore."

His friend grabs him by one arm and tugs, saying, "Come with me, come on! You have to join us down at the synagogue! You used to lead us and we miss you!"

Almost d...

My 8 year old son was in the garden playing football today, he tripped over his own feet and lay on the floor for 5 minutes, screaming and thrashing like he'd been beaten up.

I'm so proud of him, he's going to be in the Premier League one day :')

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The maid asked for a raise

[Long]

The maid asked for a raise. The woman asked her why.

Maid : "For three reasons. Number 1, I iron clothes better than you."

Woman : "Who said that?"

Maid : "Your husband said that"

Woman : "Oh"

Maid : "Secondly, I cook better than you"

Woman : "...

Why'd the gardener get banned from the hospital?

He kept watering the vegetables.

I'm a nervous gardener...

and sometimes I wet my plants.

What rock would you find inside a garden shed?

Shedimentary.

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

I hired a landscape gardener today.

He couldn't help me, because my garden is portrait.

Think I saw Michael J Fox at the garden centre this morning

Can’t be sure though, he had his back to the fuchsias

Most garden statuary is only 30cm tall and wears red hats.

It’s a little gnome fact.

Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.”

The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?”


Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s insi...

We all know the story about Eve eating the apple in the Garden of Eden...

But God also forbade Eve from bathing in the nearby river. One day God came down from heaven to find Eve disregarding his command, washing herself in the river.

God put his hands on his hips and shook his head. "Dammit! I'm never going to get that smell out of the fish."

Two women are talking over a garden fence.

I was sorry to hear about your husband dying in the garden. Whatever happened?

Well, he was bent over pulling up a cabbage for our dinner and he had a massive heart attack.

Oh dear, what did you do?

Nothing else I could do. I had to open a tin of peas.

What do Olive Garden and brothels in Alabama have in common?

They both use the slogan “When you’re here, you’re family”

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

A lady is walking to the store when the sees the most beautiful garden shes ever seen....

She askes the man wattering his garden

"Excuse me sir, how do you get such red tomatoes?"

"Well" he said, "it's a bit embarrassing, but every morning I get up and come outside in just my robe and flash my tomatoes. Then the tomatoes blush and turn redder! You should try it sometime!"...

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My son's been really worried about his puppy's upset stomach, so in the night I let him into the garden for a shit.

"Why can't I just use the toilet?" he always asks.

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My neighbour was sunbathing naked in her garden and as I was wanking while watching her from the window I caught my wife staring at me in the doorway...

Do you think she might be a pervert?

After I lost a close friend, I decided to get into some gardening

Went down to Home Depot, got all the necessary tools, and got to work immediately.
And now that a few months have gone by, I can say with full confidence that no one is going to find that body.

I hope I can save my herb garden from this infestation.

I'm running out of thyme!

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The neighbour’s dog crapped in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don’t see what that solved. We’ve still got dog poo in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

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God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.

God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?"

"Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was *awesome*. We're going to call it 'sex'!"

God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You a...

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

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Never have sex with a garden hose...

They’re too kinky.

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

I tried my best to make a complete herb garden

But I just couldn't find the thyme.

A farmer went out to the field and found one his cows had gone cross-eyed

The cow could hardly walk and kept bumping into things. Fearing it might hurt itself, he called his vet to come have a look at the cow. The vet took one look at the cow and told the farmer "I've seen this before. You stand up there in front and watch her eyes." The vet took out a section of hose, pu...

Q: What is a gardener's favorite game genre?

A: plantformers

Two nuns biking on the courtyard.

Two nuns biking on the courtyard.

Where going in a circle, round and round they went.

Head nun yelled, Diner time come in!

5 more minutes please head nuns, replied the nuns

Two nuns biking on the courtyard.

Where going in a circle, round and round they went....

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A general store owner needs some help in sales

So he hires a young farm hand, and explains to him on his first day- "Ya gotta understand the up sell kid" The kid shakes his head, listening intently.

"The next customer that comes in, I'll demonstrate how it's done okay?" again the kid nods.

Just then, a customer walks in, and asks w...

A housekeeper approached the lady of the house to ask for a raise...

“And why would you deserve a raise, may I ask?”, said the wealthy homeowner.

“3 reasons: Because I’m a better cook than you are”, said the maid.

“Who told you that?”

“Your husband. And I’m also better at cleaning.”

“Who told you that?”

“Also your husband.”
...

I asked my wife to grab 6 asparagus stalks from the garden. She came back with 7.

The last one was just a spare, I guess.

Why didn’t the gardener cut his roses?

Because they used to be buds!

One day, God visits Adam as he walks through the Garden of Eden...

"My son, I've decided to end your loneliness and give you a companion. She shall be called Eve, and she will be beautiful, never age, always stay faithful, and be loyal to your every command. She will fulfill all of your desires and make you feel complete as a man."

To which Adam replies "So...

3 nuns go up to heaven...

Three nuns go up to heaven. Peter’s at the gates and he tells them they have to answer a question before they can come in. So he says to the first one "what was the name of the first woman?" She says "Eve" and he lets her in. He says to the second one "where did Eve live?" She says "the Garden of Ed...

Just put an electric fence around my garden..

My neighbor is dead against it.

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What does a garden and a vagina have in common?

Tulips

A man goes into his garden and notes a broken fence.

He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices – that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since it’s free, he feels like he has nothin...

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Eden garden (Translate from my birth language)

3 friends died in a car accident and arrived at the gate. St-Peter is there to greet them.
He told them, that to cross the gate, they all have to pick up a fruit or a vegetable in the eden garden.
The first one arrive with a carrot. St-Peter told him that to enter heaven, he must put the ent...

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A man is trying to water his garden.

However, when he aims his hose, instead of water coming out, he hears a voice saying "Piss in my mouth".

He keeps trying, but whatever he tries, he just hears more out of the hose. "Mmm, oh yeah, pee all over my face, get it in my mouth, oh yeah."

This is ridiculous, he thinks. I just ...

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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree in his garden.

He flicks through the phone book until he finds an animal removal service, gives them a call and explains his situation. 15 minutes later, a guy turns up in a van and takes out a ladder, a long stick, a shotgun, a pair of handcuffs and a pitbull.

The worker says to the man "Right, here's the ...

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.

They showed me a Volkswagen beetle.

What do you call a musical garden figure who often rides the subway?

A metrognome.

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What’s the difference between a nazi who likes to garden, and my foot condition?

One is a fascist planter

The other is plantar fasciitis

I was at the garden centre earlier

Its roughly 10' from my back door

The private detective is called to a crime scene

As he enters the very large and rustic mansion, he is led to the location where the body was found. It seems like the perfect crime scene. No prints, no clues, just a dead man, with no signs of how he was murdered.

The detective says: “do you have any suspects?” The police officer in charge o...

My gardener is entering his Bonsai plants in a contest this weekend

I’m rooting for him

Why couldn't Mary Poppins keep her herb garden alive?

Because Bert kept stepping in the thyme.

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A fireman is sitting in front of the station when he sees a little boy coming down the street in a little red wagon. He's put little ladders on the side and a garden hose is coiled in the front.

The kid is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is tied to a dog and cat who are pulling the wagon.

"That sure is a nice fire truck you got there."
"Thanks," the boy says.

The fireman looks more closely and sees the boy has the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's test...

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

What is an epileptic person's favorite dish at Olive Garden?

A seizure salad

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Two old men are walking in the garden of their retirement home...

All the sudden, some old woman jumps out of the bushes right in front of them, swings her bathrobe wide open and exposing her naked body beneath shouts "SUPERPUSSY!!!"

One man turns to the other, taps his hearing aid and says loudly:
"WHAT DID SHE SAY, LARRY?"

"She said SUPERPUSSY, ...

What's the best part about Gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes!

Did you see Trump's Rose Garden speech?

It's going viral!

I stole some gardening equipment from a pimp.

He found me, grabbed me by my collar and shouted, "Where my hoes at?"

I have some weeds in my potato garden

That’s OK, I was going to make baked potatoes anyway.

What do you get when you cross a gardener with an author?

Someone who perpetually thickens the plot.

Verses

A young minister was visiting the homes of his church community. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. So, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering w...

Where does a herb garden go on holiday?

Bazil

Why are gardens in England so small?

They are only one yard.

[NSFW] Why did the gardeners wife file for a divorce?

Because he didn't want to de-flower her

In the Garden of Eden, why didn’t Eve want Adam listening to her while she went to the restroom?

Because eavesdropping.

One day a boy was playing in the garden of his house and his grandfather approached him:

Hey, what are you doing? Asked the grandfather.

The boy replied: I'm playing with putting worms back on the ground, Grandpa.

The amazed grandfather asked: but how do you put the worms back? they are all soft ...

It's a secret, but if you give me $ 10 I can tell you.

The g...

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just ...

A father calls his son in prison and tells him he’s getting to old to dig his garden

A few days later 20 policemen turn up at his fathers house and proceed to dig up the whole garden.
The father calls his son in prison and tells him what happened.
His son says “that’s ok dad I told one of the wardens I hid the stolen jewels in your garden “

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A man has a chat with his neighbour across the road about the neighbour needing help with their back garden...

When the two finish their conversation, the man agrees to help the neighbour with his garden, and when they finish the job, the neighbour will pay the man.

The next day comes and the man comes back from the neighbours house all puffed out and tired, he sits down on the couch and calls his fr...

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