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I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.

When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?"

The ignorant bastard just ignored me.

As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden

The plot thickens

I was digging up our garden when I found a box full of old rare coins. I was really excited so I ran inside to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging up our garden.

A man goes into his garden and notes a broken fence.

He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices – that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since it’s free, he feels like he has nothin...

A husband and wife are staring at their garden.

“Sooner or later,” the wife comments, “you’re going to have to put in a better scarecrow.”

“What’s wrong with the one we’ve got?” asks the husband. “It scares away all the birds and it’s still got a few good years left.”

“I agree,” the wife says, “but my mother can’t stay out there for...

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

TIL that Garden Gnomes are a symbol of good luck.

It’s a little gnome fact.

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My five year old son was playing in the garden...

When he sees 2 spiders. He asks me, "Is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?"

No son, there is no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs."

I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden"

A young boy finds his grandfather, an avid gardener, working in his garden one afternoon.

“What do you usually put on your celery?” the boy asks his grandfather. The old man wipes the sweat and dirt from his forehead. He’s amazed his grandson has taken such an interest in his hobby. “Well, I usually put on a mix of enriched soil and rotted horse manure.” “That’s weird,” the grandson repl...

My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathes nude in her garden...

Personally, I’m on the fence

Garden shears will never be outdated.

After all, it's cutting-hedge technology.

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

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A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked. "They’re mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on t...

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One day, God met with Adam in the garden of Eden

"Hey Adam, I have two new organs for you," said god

"What are they?" Adam Replied

"Well," said God, "We have a brain, which will let you make intelligent decisions and hold conversations with Eve."

"That's Great!" Adam said, "What's the other one?"

"That would be a penis,...

My local garden centre is doing buy one, get one free on manure.

Now that's an offer not to be sniffed at.

My garden has been invaded by hedgehogs.

Pricks.

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A couple are discussing starting a garden

"You know, I really love the roses and chrysanthemums," remarked the wife. "Maybe I'll start by planting those."

"Oh sure, why not," replied the husband. "Hey, let's start doing that now! It's a beautiful Saturday morning and we don't have anything else to do."

"Alright, let me just ru...

Where does a Communist Garden Gnome work?

At the Russian Troll Farm.

Why do you never take a date to Olive Garden?

Because when you're there you're family.

My kids were playing in the garden and didn't tell me they needed to go toilet...

I guess you could say they soiled themselves

One day, an old man was hammering a large, wooden stake into his garden.

Unfortunately, that same day, the captain of the Navy was walking past. When the stake caught his eye (despite it being very basic and unattractive), he decided he wanted to own it. So, he waited for the old man to leave, and promptly pulled it out and carried it away to his submarine, where he foun...

When it's sunny, I think, beer garden! When it rains, I usually go to the bar for a while. When it's snowing, I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.

I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather…

What did the Scottish woman do when she found a trumpet buried in her garden?

She had to root-e-toot

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I've just been watching a pair of blue tits in the garden.

I told the wife it was too cold for sunbathing!

Man sentenced to 5 years in prison for robbing a garden centre

The Judge ruled it as a crime against nature.

The day after his wife moved out, a man built a greenhouse in his garden

Her last words before leaving had been "call me when you've grown a pear."

I just saw someone stealing a garden gate!

I didn't say anything in case he took a fence.

Adam was feeling a bit lonely in the garden of Eden

"Hey, God. I'm bored! I'm lonely, I have no one to talk to

The animals are great and all, but I need someone to share all of this with"


"Very well, I shall create for you the perfect companion.

a **woman**!

She will be smart, will make you laugh, she will love you, ...

Out of all the vegetables in her garden, what were the prostitute’s favorite?

Her peas.

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I went to the garden centre today to buy myself a Christmas tree

I went to the garden center today and bought myself a new Christmas tree, the store assistant asked me "will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "no, you sick fuck, I'll be putting it up in my living room."

Me:I got removed from Olive Garden for eating too many breadsticks. Friend:How many did you eat?

Me:Olive them

A man approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back garden..

I think hes lost the plot!

A shop that sells fake grass for gardens was robbed...

Afterwards the owner was asked why he was so defensive during the robbery of the fake grass, to which he replied:

“Well, it’s my home turf.”

Everyday someone mysteriously adds more dirt on top of my garden

The plot thickens

Garden of Eden

It was the day of the judgement and God was really happy with what USA has done in its short time on earth. In fact God was so happy that it decided to allow all the presidents and first ladies in the garden of Eden for eternal happiness.

And so one by all presidents and first ladies present ...

A father was playing with his son in the garden...

When suddenly the father grabs his chest and says to his son, "Son, call me an ambulance quickly"

The son thought for a second and said "You are an ambulance"

"I am damn proud of you son" said the father with his last breath.

A woman walked out to her garden and saw a man in her tree.

"What on earth is going on here?" she asked.

The man replied, "I'm every so sorry, madam. An awfully embarrassing incident has happened here. I'm a skydiving instructor, the landing didn't go as I'd expected."

The woman frowned, and said, "But there's no parachute...and why are you hol...

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An old Italian man lived alone in the country

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to...

I found out my friend has been stealing garden gates recently.

I don’t want to confront him though incase he takes offence.

For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep,garden and drive.

I think I'm being stalked.

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”

The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”

The Russian replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothi...

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.

The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?”

The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.”

One day Adam stood in the garden of Eden and asked

"God, what is this life without a companion to live it with?"

God looked down upon Adam and responded. "How Adam, would you like your companion to be formed?"

"God, I would like you to create for me a companion who is beautiful as a sunrise, smells like wild flowers, is as wise as an...

What do you call an Irish Garden Chair?

Paddy O’Furniture...

Barry Allen (the Flash) wanted to have an herb garden, but decided against it.

I mean, he really shouldn't be travelling through thyme...

Don’t tell secrets in the garden

The potatoes have eyes, the corn have ears and the beanstalk.

What do you get when bigfoot stomps on your garden?

Squash

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A Couple having sex in the garden at night....

He says "I wish i had a torch" she says "So do I, you've been licking that slug on the grass for the last ten minutes"

Adam is in the Garden of Eden...

Adam is in the Garden of Eden when he finds himself quite lonely.

He calls upon God, and asks him "Lord almighty, may you find me company here?"

God, in his infinite kindness, responds "Of course my child, I shall create a being to accompany you. The being will be beautiful, intelligen...

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Every morning this week I've woken up to find a German shepherd having a shit in my garden.

Today, the cheeky bastards brought his dog.

I started my first rock garden last week

Three of them already died.

Why was the Gardener embarrassed?

He wet his plants.

God is in Heaven and looks down on the Garden of Eden...

... and he sees Adam and Eve being more intimate than he’d planned.

So God rushes down as fast as he can and catches up with Adam and reprimands him.

“What do you think you’re doing? You’re both supposed to remain pure!”

Adam looks down, embarrassed and God soon notices that Eve...

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A child asked his father, "Why do good people die young?"

His father responded, "When you are in a garden, which flower do you pick?"

The child responded, "The Ugly Ones."

The father, unprepared for that respsonse, asked, "Why?"

"Because ugly bitches don't belong in my garden"

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Four men all die simultaneously and appear before the Devil in the Garden of Eden

The Devil says to the men: "within this garden you will find every fruit that has ever existed in vast quantities, please choose one type and collect 10 of them, then return to me and I will explain the game we are about to play."

The men nod and go off to find their respective fruits, and sh...

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A guy looks over his fence into the neighbors garden to see a little boy crying and filling in a big hole.

"Why are you crying?" He asks the little boy

"My goldfish died, I've buried him" says the boy

"That's very sad, but why such a big hole?"

"because he's inside your fucking cat"

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This is getting way out of hand. For the past week, every morning at 6am sharp, a German Shepherd has come in to my garden and taken a giant poop, right there on the lawn. And you'll never believe what happened today...

He brought his dog with him.

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One beautiful afternoon in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replies.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals. I appreciate all that you have given me, but I’m just not happy”, Adam answers.

“Why is that, Adam”, God asks....

Which one is the most regretful vegetable in the garden?

The rue-barb.

I can't stop my dog from digging in the garden.

I guess in the end I'll have to take the shovel from him.

Octopuses Garden

An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman.
He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play th...

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey...

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The neighbor’s dog shit in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence…

I don’t see what that solved.

Now we’ve got dog shit in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel…

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A Southern plantation owner once saw his slave peeing in the garden.

A Southern plantation owner once saw his slave peeing in the garden. He was amazed looking at the size of the penis he had.

He called him and asked "How come you black men have such big dongs?"

Slave :Its an ancient secret passed on from our tribe through generations,when you have sex,...

How do you turn a garden salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it a bunch of times.

Adam and Eve were wandering on the Garden of Eden

They were walking with their makeshift clothes, since they already tasted the Forbidden Fruit and realized they were naked.

Soon, God shows up, and realize they disobeyed his only rule so far.

Mad and with His thunderous voice, He yells at them:


"**WHY, WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS...

What do you call an epileptic in a garden?

A seizure salad

My wife came rushing in out of the garden and said, "There's a pair of my knickers missing off the washing line."

I said, "I know, the two kids from next door have them." She said, "The dirty little perverts." I said, "It's nothing like that, they mentioned something about building a hammock."

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Daddy, I've just seen two fairies at the bottom of the garden

Humouring her I said, "Really, what were they doing?"

She said, "Sucking each other's cocks.

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.

He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.


His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.
He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here,...

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The logical scientist

Two builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Chris: 'I reckon he's an accountant. '

James: ‘No way - he's a stockb...

Why are the gardens of Pyongyang so immaculate?

Because they have a supreme weeder.

Garden of Eden

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”
Adam said, “I don’t have anyone to talk to.”
God said, “I will give you a companion and it will be a woman.” He said, “This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will alwa...

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support...

Little Nancy, 8, was filling a hole in her garden when

the nosey neighbor peered over the fence, and asked "What are you doing?"

Nancy replied, "Well my goldfish dies so I just buried him"

The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said in a condescending tone, "That is an awful big hole for a tiny gold fish"

As Nancy used her shovel to pat...

I bought a new set of Electric Garden Trimmers.

They're cutting-hedge technology.

Roses are red

Roses are red.
Violets are....red

Tulips are red








My garden is on fire.

Eve wore a fig leaf in the garden but what did Adam wear?

He wore a hole in that fig leaf.

What did the vegetables say at the garden party?

Lettuce turnip the beet

One day, God and Adam were talking in the Garden Of Eden...

“God?”

“Yes, Adam.”

“I’m lonely.”

“Yes. And I’ve given this some thought. What if I told you I could make you a companion? She would be a lot like you, but different in many ways. She would think just like you think. She would never disagree with you. She would support your e...

Found this in my timeline...

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre.
Now,the Yorkshire police, th...

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My daughter came sprinting in to the house yesterday shouting 'daddy, daddy, I just saw two fairies at the bottom of the garden!'

Humouring her I asked 'That's amazing darling, what were they doing?'

She replied 'Sucking each other's cocks'

What's the difference between Olive Garden and Reddit?

At Olive Garden the servers actually work.

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If you have sex in a garden...

does that make it a boneyard?

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I called my friend a twat for stealing from gardens.

I hope he doesn't take a fence.

One of my neighbours has stopped talking to me after I accused him of stealing from my back garden...

...I think he took a fence.

Why did Satan keep growing his herb garden even when his oregano died each time?

Because he always had a Hell of a good thyme.

Why does Santa have three gardens?

Q: Why does Santa have three gardens?

A: So he can "hoe, hoe, hoe."

A man sees a sign in front of a house, "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner takes him to the back garden where the dog is tied to a post. "Can you talk?" asks the man. "Yep," says the dog."I discovered this gift when I was young. I decided to help the government, so I got in touch with the CIA. In no time they had me jetting from country to c...

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Adam was sitting under the apple tree in the Garden of Eden.

He was looking very content, smoking a cigarette. God saw this and appeared before Adam. God asks Adam "So, how do you like Eve?" Adam replies "Eve is just great, thank you so much for creating her." God then asks "Do you like the vagina? Any complaints, I spent a lot of time trying to get it r...

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A man notices a huge wristwatch in his friend's garden

A man notices a huge wristwatch, towering everything, in his friend's garden .
"What's with this giant wristwatch here ?", the visitor says.

The man smiles and says :
"Oh, I got it thanks to this magic lamp ! You can try it if you want !"

The man gives the Aladdin-li...