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Vary Jokes

In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

Perceptions vary

Following World War II, a general and his lieutenant boarded a British train. They sat across from an attractive young lady and her grandmother. As the train departed, it entered a long tunnel. Total darkness encompassed the train for approximately thirty seconds. In the darkness of those moments, t...

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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at varying levels.

The monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces, whereas the monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Which operating system does Varys run his spy network on?

Unix; it was decided for him.

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

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All dick jokes are essentially the same

they just vary in length.

I asked a cannibal if humans tasted good.

He said it can vary from person to person.

Importance of a good college education

A father is lecturing his son about the importance of a good education.

“Father, what’s the difference between a man with a college degree and a man without?” Said the son.

“Well son,” said the father, “you can perform the same job but the outcome will vary depending if you have a co...

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Adulthood gives you 4 rights that you don't enjoy as a minor.

The powers are:

1. The right to drink
2. The right to drive
3. The right to vote
4. The right to fuck

But the catch is that you can only legally exercise one right at a time.

Drinking while driving, illegal.
Voting while fucking, DEFINITELY illegal.

Let's try ...

Next time your wife is angry....

Put a cape on her and and say, "Now you are, super angry!!!"

Disclaimer: results may vary

A captain in the navy is assigned a new post on a submarine.

As he explores his new vessel, he notices that almost everything is falling apart with varying degrees of rust.



He decides to check the hull, and sees plates of metal with varying dates, some of which seem to come from before world war 2.



He decides to ask someone in hi...

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...try the wheelbarrow... [long]

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their choice of positions. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow? Just lift her legs from behind and insert your penis and off you go!" The eager husban...

3 men enter heaven together

Upon entering, they are greeted by god. God tells them that they will receive a vehicle, however the quality and value of the vehicle will vary based on how frequently they cheated on their wife. So the first man says “I never cheated once in my life” god inspects him and finds this out to be true. ...

I taught my maths class how to use a protractor,

with varying degrees of success.

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Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment.

But when a woman talks dirty to a man it's £2.50/min (charges may vary).

I saw an advert for a Michael Jackson figurine, and at the end of the advert it said...

...not suitable for children, colours may vary.

Two cars crash on the road...

One of the angry drivers gets out of his car and jumps on the other.

-Luk wat hav u don. I brok ma vary expansive artifisal jaw on the stiring whale.

-Relax dude,

said the other driver,

-I have a solution for your problem in this box.

He opened a box full of jaws a...

Crows

One day, about a year ago, 100 dead crows were found on the side of a motorway. Upon investigation, The crows were found to have been hit by vehicles, and were covered in specs of varying paint.

After further investigation it was also found that the paint on the crows had two different types...

You know who's the best character in the Game of Thrones show right now?

It *Varys*

The physics professor in the oral exam asks the student

"What is faster, light or sound?"

"Well obviously light"

"Alright, why?"

"Well, when I turn on my TV, I first see the picture and then comes the sound"

The professor of course fails the student. The next student he asks the same question.

"What is faster, light or ...

Why are differential equation courses so dry?

Because the problems are all about losing liquids at varying rates.

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Sexual harassment allegations have been made against Lou Bega

7 women have come forward and the assaults have been said to have taken place in varying locations including: in the sun and by his side

Holiday trip to Alcatraz

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.


Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them...

How long does it take to sail from Dorne to Mereen?

It Varys.

For Father's Day, my favorite Father joke.

A doctor who invents as a hobby has invented the Child Birth Pain Transfer Machine (CBPTM), which allows the transfer of the pain of childbirth from the mother to the father at varying degrees.

A couple walks in, and the wife is in labor. They agree to hook her up to the machine, and the doct...

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Tyrion devises a cunning plan to invade Westeros...

... but Daenerys, Grey Worm, Missandei, Varys, Yara and Theon are all hesitant about his risky scheme -- so Tyrion says "What, am I the only one with balls around here?"

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The Ladder

On my way back from work, I stop the car in the driveway and see my neighbor doing something quite strange.
Going up and down a ladder against the side of his garage, he seemed to be having some trouble with a tape measure.
It looked like he was trying to measure the ladder itself, though I th...

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I'm teaching my friend to play poker...

...but he came to me yesterday with a problem. He says "I've been trying to play at the casino and I swear I just can not get away with a bluff for the life of me. It's like they know what I have every time"

Considering myself to be a pretty decent teacher, I think that's strange, so I go ove...

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A frog walks into a bank

A frog is looking to open up a new business, so he stops by his local bank to see about financing. His loan officer, Mrs. Paddywhack, is going through his financials.
"Do you have any collateral?" she asks. "We can't give you any money without something to secure the loan."
The frog pulls ...

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The Mexican president has a rare cancer of the brain and is in need of a brain transplant. His only option is a risky new procedure that his doctor recently perfected.

He now has to “shop” for his brain.

“Sir, as this is a new procedure, our pool of brains you can choose from is rather small. Prices of the brains will vary,” said the doctor.

“Okay, show me what you’ve got. I have an important job, so I’ll need the best brain,” replies the president...

A translated Chinese Joke

*Apologies in advance, as this joke does not translate cleanly. I had to adapt part of it so it could make sense*






A eunuch (think Varys from Game of Thrones) was wandering around town.

Back in ancient China, many high ranking jobs had castration as a requireme...

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I took the family to an amusement park and they all got thirsty at once.

Fortunately we were close to a big soda shop, a circular building with lines of varying lengths standing at most of the windows.

"Excuse me," I asked a park employee, "Which window do we go to?"

"Each window is for a different drink, so just go straight to the one for what you want. If...

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Nsfw long what's wrong with your dick?

A guy goes into a public restroom and sees a man gently weeping in front of a urinal. He asks him what's wrong, and realises the man has no arms.
"Well... I recently lost my arms in an accident and I'm having a hard time coping with it. It's my first day out of the hospital and I can't figure out...

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

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New metals are added to chemistry

A new metal is added to chemistry:

• NAME

- Husband

• SYMBOL:

- Hb

• ATOMIC WEIGHT:

1. Light when found first
2. Tends to get heavier over the years with time

• PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Boils at any time with inlaws
2. Can...

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An original math feghoot.

There are enough people in the world now who require catheters for medical reasons for the devices to have become the targets of fetishes. At least some of these catheter fetishists are also practitioners of free love, and it's not unusual for them to get together with (relatively) large numbers of...

A Man and his Camel

There once was a very strange, lonely man living out in the woods alone. His family has been gone for many years, and has lived most of his life without anyone. He has had no physical contact with people in such a long time, other than going to town every could of months. But he wanted this to chang...

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