How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

People who don't understand the difference between...

People who don't understand the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I can't put into words.

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

How does Trump differ from terrorist organisations?

Terrorist organisations take responsibility for their actions.

What's the difference between physicists and gods?

Gods don't think they're physicists.

What’s the difference between science and religion?

Science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings.

What’s the difference between retail workers and turkeys?

We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with breast implants?

One is a Crusty Bus Station and the other is a busty crustacean

What's the difference between a a Shakespeare play and a Trump-era White House press conference?

One is The Taming of the Shrew.

The other is the shaming of the true.

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?

One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes *whack* "Darn" And a skydiver goes "darn" *whack*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between racists and bucket of shit?

The bucket.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche

The porcupine usually has the pricks on the outside

What’s the difference between your washing machine and your wife

You don’t have to say I love you every time you put a load in the washing machine

What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?

One looks up your family tree, the other looks up your family bush.

Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?

An electron or two

What's a difference between a suicidal french speakee & a terrified english speaker when you point a gun at them?

I don't know, it sounds the same.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but doesn’t hit and the other hoots but doesn’t shit.

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

What's the difference between a jet engine and my wife?

The jet engine stops whining when it gets to Miami.

What's the difference between a Cat and a Fleshlight?

If you've clicked into this to find out, then you really shouldn't have a cat.

What is the difference between a Hooker and a Drug dealer?

A Hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump?

George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.

Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.

Donald Trump can’t tell the difference

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Jam and Jelly?

I can't jelly my cock in your ass.

What's the difference between apples and orphans?

Apples get picked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What the difference between Bud Light and a clitoris?

The clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.

What’s the difference between the “China Virus” and the Vietnam War?

Trump dodged the Vietnam War.

What is the difference between my girlfriend and my computer?

I can turn my computer on.

What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four

How do you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One's an elephant.

What the difference between a green pea and a chick pea?

I've never had a green pea on my chest.

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar. He says "Ow!" A different man walks into a post. He says "Fuck!" Another man walks into a pole...

And he yells back "PATRZ GDZIE IDZIESZ!"

What is the difference between hot potato and a flying pig?

One's a heated yam, and one's a yeeted ham.

What's the difference between Trump and a can of beer?

At least the beer has proof.

What's the difference between a hooker and jesus?

The look on thir face when you are nailing them.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

What's the difference between a jazz guitarist and a rock guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 10 chords for 50,000 people,and a jazz guitarist plays 50,000 chords for 10 people.

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

How do you tell the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?

By paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a joke and 3 dicks?

Your mom can’t take a joke

What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast is brown on both sides.

What's the difference between a guitar player and a couch?

A couch can support a family.

Whats the difference between Jack and Jill?

I cant Jill off onto your face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam?

You can’t peanut butter your penis into someone’s mouth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between 100,000 political jokes and a kid falling off a bike.

I still laugh every time I see a kid fall off a bike....
(For real this shit just ain't funny anymore fellas.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

English parlimentarians and pornstars are not so different when you think about it

What do pornstars and English parliamentarians have in common?


They both love to wake up to BBC

What's the the difference between a man on a bicycle wearing a tuxedo and a man on a unicycle wearing sweatpants and a hoodie?

Attire.

What's the difference between a vegan and a straight male submissive?

A vegan craves umami. A male sub craves "ooh mommy".

People say swallowing eggs, flour and water all at once is a difficult task, but I beg to differ.

It's a piece of cake.

What’s the difference ..........

Between a golf ball and the g-spot?


Men will spend 10 minutes looking for a golf ball.

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has noel.

What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight?

One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a political convention and porn?

In porn, the dicks don't talk.

From my 7 year old nephew: What's the difference between a cat and a frog?

A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.

What's the difference between a cactus and a school bus?

A school bus has the little pricks inside

What's the difference between a product made in Mexico and a product made in America?

One is made by a Mexican, while the other is made by a Mexican immigrant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is difference between male and female legs?

Male legs always have the same dick between them.

What's the difference between a geologist and Dwayne Johnson conducting an experiment?

One is a rock scientist. The other is The Rock, scientist.



(This is so dumb. I apologize in advance to anyone who reads this.)

A guy calls his boss and asks "What's the difference between this morning and your wife?"

Boss: "What?"

Guy: "I'm not coming in *this morning*"

Why did the chicken cross the road? (punchline is different)

different

What’s the difference between parsley and pubic hair?

Nothing...

When encountered simply move aside and carry on eating

Whats the difference between pregancy and a light bulb...

You can unscrew a light bulb.

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

What's the difference between a potato and a chickpea?

I've never paid to watch a potato.

Edit - Cheers for my first award, much obliged.

What’s the difference between a school and a terrorist base?

I don’t know, I’m just the drone pilot.

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I’ve never had a lentil on my face.

In the US, whats the difference between a restaurant in a blue or red state?

In a red state olives matter

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

What is the difference between children and goldfish

Goldfish smile when you eat them

What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?

You can tuna piano,but you can not piano a tuna.

Q: What is the difference between a teenager and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Whats the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

The difference is Trump never paid 50k to have a garbanzo bean on his face

What's the difference between like and love ?

A Spit and a Swallow

What's the difference between Biden and a slow, phony, fake, crooked, corrupt politician?

About 4 million votes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

A frog says ribbit ribbit. A horny toad says rubbit rubbit.

What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

Whats the difference between scientology and ancient aliens?

One is an alien-based pyramid scheme and the other is a pyramid-based alien scheme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?

One goes *ba dum tiss*, the other is da bum kiss.

What's the difference between a musician and a savings account?

One eventually matures and starts to make money...

What's the difference between being vegan and having Covid 19?

With Covid the loss of taste is only temporary...

What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

There have been sightings of UFOs

What is the difference between in-laws and out-laws?

Out-laws are wanted!

What’s the difference between a jumper and a sweater?

A sweater doesn’t go splat after falling 40 stories...

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai do not like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

What's the difference between a farmer and a pimp?

The farmer makes an honest living with his hoe

What's the difference between a guy falling from the 1st floor and one from the 9th

The first one goes : thud...aaaaaaaah and whereas the other goes aaaaaaaah...thud

Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts.

Well beer nuts are a buck 75, and deer nuts are under a buck.

What's the difference between God and a doctor?

When God is angry, he sends you to the doctor.

When the doctor becomes angry, he sends you to God.

( PS: I translated this joke from my native language to English. Would've sounded better if I delivered this joke in my native language.)

How can you tell the difference between a horse and a pig?

The horse is the one that doesn't look like a pig.

What’s the difference between Wolverine and Paul Bunyan?

One’s a Hugh Jackman, the other is a huge ax man.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a submissive woman?

The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a northern and a southern fairytale?

A northeren fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

What’s the difference between my girlfriend and my job.

I can at least find the entrance to my job.

A boy was asking his dad what the difference is between "confident" & "confidential".

Son to Dad: Dad, what is the difference between "confident" & "confidential"?

Dad: See, here is an example, you are my son, i am confident of that.

Son: I see

Dad: Now, you know our neighbor, little Timmy, your playmate right?

Son: Yah?

Dad: He's my son too, bu...

What’s the difference between a slug and a gamer?

A gamer gets salty when they die, but a slug dies when it gets salty.

What's the difference between a woman and a PC from 1995?

A woman doesn't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies.

What is the difference between a refrigerator and a woman?

A refrigerator doesn’t moan when you put a piece of meat in it.

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

The difference between cold and hot is imaginary

chill and chilli

What's the difference between a Redditor and an egg?

you know the egg gets laid at least once

What's the difference between an argument in kindergarten and the presidential debate?

About 70 years

What’s the difference between a walnut and a chestnut?

How long you edged.

What’s the difference between a jeweller and a jailer?

One sells watches and the other watches cells

What's the difference between a banana and bananas?

One is just a banana and the other is crazy.


As told to me by my 10 year son.

What’s the difference between North Korea and the US?

North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can’t tell if their leader is dead serious.

What's the difference between capitalism and socialism?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man,  and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals

are missing the point.

What’s the difference between a maid of honor and a maid’s honor?

About seven beers.

You know how Santa Claus is different in each culture?

In pirate culture he’s called shanty claus

What’s the difference between a restaurant and a glory hole?

With glory holes you don’t always have to give the tip

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

What's the difference between cake and pie?

πr², cakes are round

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a apple and a Orphan?

An apple gets picked

(Fuck off chace)

NSFW: what's the difference between a hippie chick and a joint?

The joint won't get passed around the entire show.

What is the difference when a group of republicans scream for Trump to have "4 more years" and when a group of democrats scream it?

The republicans are saying it during his election, the democrats are saying it during his sentencing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boyfriend said that sex would be different after his vasectomy.

But I didn't really notice any deferens.

Q: How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?

A: Pull down their genes!

What's the difference between 50 Shades of Grey and an Indian Restaurant?

The Indian restaurant has a Proper-Dom

What’s the difference between a picture of Jesus and Jesus himself?

It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a fetish and a kink?

Having a fetish can mean that you use a feather to orgasm.


Having a kink means that the chicken is still connected.

How do you tell the difference between a male door from a female door ?

One's got a ding dong and the other knockers.

What is the difference between Santa and a Burglar?

Santa is way more efficient!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between an epileptic guy preparing oysters and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits...

What’s the difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank?

After you make a deposit at the sperm bank, you lose interest.

What's the difference between Humpty Dumpty and the year 2020?

One of them had a great fall.

What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman?

Snowballs.

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