UPJOKE
offersoftdelicatetenderizefondaffectionatebidcrispsentimentallegal tenderboatsquirepageorderlyproffer

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Tender touching

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine...

A man walks into a pub and asks the bar tender for the WiFi password.

The bar tender replies "You have to buy a drink first"
So the man buys a Coke.
"Ok now what's the WiFi password?"
The bar tender replies "you have to buy a drink first, all lower case, no spaces"

How does a redneck tenderize his meat?

He puts his pickup truck in reverse.
AI Image Generator

who is James bonds favorite bar tender?

Michael J. Fox

A Termite walks into a bar

And says is the bar tender here

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Guy walks into a bar Sits at the bar and orders a drink. He pays with a $100 bill and refuses the change. Just when he's about to take a drink, this little guy - not even a foot tall - runs across the bar and knocks the drink out of his hand. The little guy jumps off the bar and disappears.

The bartender, really confused, pours him another drink. The guy pays him $100 and refuses the change again. Just as he's about to sip his drink, the little guy appears, knocks the drink to the floor and runs off again.

Now the bartender pours him another drink and asks him about the little g...

Bar tender said the beers were on the house.

So why didn't he give me a ladder?

A good looking young woman walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for a double entendre

So he gives it to her

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A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

Tender Moments!!!

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered with eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through the bad...

A pony goes into a bar, and the bar tender asks him “why the long face?”

I didn’t make it into the men’s choir.

Well, you are a little horse.

Getting drunk

at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for one guy.

Bar Tender says “We don’t serve Time Travelers”.

A Time Traveler Walks into a Bar.

White House painting tender.

Donald trump wants to paint the white house. He calls for tenders from China, Europe and India.


Chinese guy quoted 3 million U$


European guy quoted 7 million U$


Indian guy quoted 10 million U$


Trump asked chinese guy, how did you quote 3 million..?" ...

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

A recovering alcoholic swedish horse walks into a bar.

The bar tender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"

The horse says, "Nej."

The Council want a new monument built in a park and put the job out to tender, they get 3 offers ...

The council officer calls in the first tender, who offers to do the job for £3k, when asked about the breakdown the council are advised 'It's 1K for me 1K for my crew and 1K for materials.

The second tender then comes in and offers to do the job for £6k, advising It's 2k for me, 2k for my cre...

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My grandmother said her knee was tender...

But she's a fucking liar. I've been to a dozen different places, and no one will accept it as payment.



(I'm sure this joke or some variation has been told before, but I've never seen it on here and I just thought of it and had to post it. :)

I saw a very drunk Kimi Raikkonen trying to order liquor from a bar tender...

"No no, Kimi. You will not have the drink."

Two termites walk into a bar and ask

Is the bar tender here?

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A man walks into a bar. Orders a drink. Spits it out. "This is only aged two years!". So the tender gives him another. He spits again. "This is only aged four years!". The tender gives him one more. The man spits it out. "The hell is this? It tastes like piss!"

The tender says, "It is. How old am I?"

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A trick to baking tender chicken breasts is to beat the meat until it's soften.

Dudes: Beat mine a few minutes ago but the chicken is still as hard as a rubber!

The government was seeking for tenders to build a bridge

On Monday, the first contractor had a meeting with the minister.

"What's your quote?" the minister asked.

"$300 million" said the contractor.

"How do you come up with that figure?"

"Well," said the contractor, quietly, "$100 million for you, $100 million for me, and $10...

An American contractor puts out a tender for a bridge to be constructed.

Several engineers apply for the job.

The German engineer comes with mechanics and techniques and proposes a bridge to be built for the sum of 20 million dollars.

The Chinese engineer comes, plagiarizes and copies the Germans stuff and after a lot of cost cutting and cheap materials, pr...

What do antivaxxers and responsible bar tenders have in common?

Neither give shots to babies!

NOTE: this is a repost from r/funny by u/rawridk so if that isn’t allowed I’ll take it down

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A guy walks into a bar...

... and asks the bartender for a Jack and Coke. The bartender hands him an apple. The man, looking confused, asks, "What's this?" The bartender replies, "Take a bite out of the apple." The man does and surprised, he says, "Wow, this tastes like Jack Daniels!" The bartender says, "Now turn it around....

Two hot dogs walk into a bar, what does the bar tender say?

Sorry we don't serve food here.

My friend got a job working the counter at KFC

He didn't like it when I called him a "Chicken Tender".

The queen offered me her hand which I raised to my lips and kissed tenderly.

"Put me down!" Tyrion screamed.

Han Solo goes to a restaurant and orders a steak. The waiter asked how tender he’d like his steak to be.

Han said “Make it Chewie.”

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So a bar tender tells a man its 2am, he's got to go.

The man stands up and falls flat on his face.
He tells himself he'll be better after he gets outside.
Crawls outside, falls flat on his face.
Says Il be fine when I get home.
Gets home, again he falls flat on his face.
Decides hes gonna sleep it off.
Next morning his wife wakes h...

My friend told me he gets tears in his eyes whenever his partner makes tender love to him.

At first, I thought he was an overemotional sissy, then I remembered: He's still in prison.

I like my chicken like I like my holy infant.. Tender and Mild

I made this up while singing silent night in the middle of field while playing capture the flag, and natural after I just ate chick tenders.

It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days and in a rare tender moment, he described the first time he ever laid eyes on Melania...

..and clicked 'add to cart'

A guy sits down at a bar

A guy sits down at a bar, head hung, and looking sad.
"Is everything ok?" asks the bartender.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn't going to talk to me for a month."

The bartender says, "I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe that's a good thing, a little peace and quiet, ...

A bear walks into a bar. The bar tender asks...."what are you having?". The bear replies " ill have a gin.........and tonic"

Bartender "what's with the pause?"

Bear "I don't know, I've had them my whole life"

Broke Drunk

I was sitting at a bar and this guy walked in, out of the rain, and sat down next to me. He asked the bar tender "How much does a double Chivas Regal cost?" The bar tender replied "That's pretty expensive - $20 a pop." The guy said "Great. Give me 10 of them." The bar tender poured 10 double CR's, l...

What do you call people who take care of chickens?

Chicken tenders

A man walks into a bar looking sad

He says to the bar tender quick pour me 3 shots of bourbon. The bar tender gives him the shots and he drinks them as fast as he can. The bar tender looks at the man and asks are you ok you drank those drinks really fast. The man reply’s no I’m not ok and if you had what I have you would drink as fas...

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Does it hurt anymore?

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her ha...

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A woman is like a bucket of KFC...

Once you're past the tender breasts and the juicy thighs all you have left is a greasy wet box to put your bone in.

Why did the termites leave the saloon?

They didn’t find the bar tender.

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Two women were playing golf

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and i...

A man walks into an empty bar

He orders a pint and sits at the bar.
Suddenly he hears a small voice saying:
"That's a lovely shirt you're wearing mate. Suits your body type really well and the pattern is very stylish"

The man looks around but doesn't see anyone other that the bartender. He shrugs and goes back to hi...

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A man walks into a bar in Vegas.

He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish."

The bartender knows this type, a...

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.

Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third t...

A snail walks into a bar and the bar tender says "We dont serve your kind here!" Then tosses him out the door. 2 weeks later the snail comes back...

And says "Hey what was that for?"

I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far.

This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant.

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A woman walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscaper and asks the bar tender for his best drink.

A man at the end of the bar spoke up and says 'you gotta try the beer. Its magic! I'll show you.' He grabs his beer, chugs it, runs over to the window and jumps out. The woman gasps and runs to the window so see the man fly around the building and right back in. She is so amazed she gets a beer, chu...

A Native American, Pirate, and Frenchman walk into a bar.

The bartender walks over and says, "Gentlemen, hau, arrrrrrr, oui, today?"

So, A Pirate goes to the bar and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his Crotch

So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?”

so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”

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A man walks into a bar...

The bar tender pours him a glass, when suddenly his drink starts talking to him.

“Go back to your family you filthy alcoholic.” the drink shouts.

The man stares. Stunned, he asks “You can talk?!”

“Yeah I can talk!” The drink says “Take it you’re a bright one.”
“I beg your...

What is a carnivore's favorite Elvis song?

Love Meat Tender

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A guy walks into a bar smiling.

He looks way too happy. He buys everyone a drink. The bar tender notices all this and asks, "hey man whats got you in such a good mood?" the guy says, "Well I was at work, and I did this girl's hair and makeup, and one thing led to another, and we ended up fucking!" The bar tender is like "oh cool! ...

One of my favorites

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What ...

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A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..." The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?" The man hugs the bartender, ...

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A guy walks into a bar with an emu and a cat.

He sits down at the bar, looks at the emu and says "Emu, want a drink?"

Emu replies: Yeah I'll have a drink!

He turns to the cat and says "Cat, want a drink?"

Cat says "Yeah I'll have a drink, but I'm not fucking paying!"

The man orders 3 beers, the bartender says "That'l...

3 mathematicians walk into a bar

The bar tender asks the first, hey do you 3 want a drink, he responds “I’m not sure”
The bar tender asks the second, hey do you 3 want a drink, he responds “I’m not sure”
The bar tender, frustrated, asks the third do you 3 want a drink, he responds “yes we do”

A straw man walks into a bar

Bar tender asks "Why do you hate liquor stores?"

What do you call someone who looks after hens?

A chicken tender.

What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?

A chicken tender!

Came up with this while putting chicken tenders out at my old job. lol

Bad physics joke

Two chicken nuggets were on a see saw. They looked into each other's eyes and realised they were in love. One of the chicken nuggets crawled over to the other side of the see saw and kissed the other one. It was a tender moment.

A piece of string walks into a bar

The bar tender says “sorry we don’t serve you kind round here”

The string leaves, twists himself up, parts his hair and walks back into the bar,

The bartender says “sorry aren’t you the same guy from before”

The string replies “I’m a frayed knot”

Please, no jokes about the passing of singer and 'Rocky Horror' actor Meat Loaf.

For a great many people that's a rather tender subject.

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A man sits down at a bar and see a jar full of $10 bills.

He asks the bartender, “Hey barkeep! Whats up with this jar of money?”
The bartender replies, “The game is simple. Put in $10, complete a challenge, and you win the jar.”
The man is intrigued and slides in a $10 bill. “Alright, whats the challenge?”
“First, you have to drink this entire bo...

Ed Christie, CEO of Spirit Airlines, walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender “Can I have a draft beer?"

The bartender says "Sure thing. That'll be .50¢"

He replies "50 cents? That's really cheap!"

The bartender looks up and finishes with ."....and it'll be $3 for the glass, $4 if you just stand, $8 if you want to sit down, and ...

Why do Italian women love me?

I'm firm when I need to be, but I can also be soft and tender.

The name's Dente.

Al Dente.

A guy is sitting at the bar when he

notices a dog on the floor licking his nuts. He turns to the bar tender and says, “Man, that’s amazing. I would love if I could do that.” The bartender looks at him and says, “I’m sure he’d appreciate that very much.”

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One day a woman was checking her husband's phone.

One day a woman was checking her husband's phone.

There were three contacts of ladies saved in it, The Lady that is tender, The lady that is Amazing, and the lady of my dreams.

The wife called the lady that is tender and her husband's mother answered.

Then she called the lady th...

A cattle farmer walks into a store

and asks the cashier "can I pay in meat", to which the cashier responds "as long as it's tender".

I'm really sorry

Joke my grandpa told me.

So a guy walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for three shots. The bar tender asks why 3? The guys says he has 2 brothers. one who lives in England, one who lives in Scotland. He says he has a shot for all 3 of them, so it feels like he’s with the. The bartender give the guy his three shots. The...

A man runs into a bar…

…he rushes to the bartender and says excitedly “quick, give me a drink before it starts!”

The barman hands him a drink and he drinks it down.

“Quick quick, another drink before it starts!”

The barman hands him another drink which he quickly drinks down

“Quick quick quick,...

Did you know that chicken strips are a new form of currency in some areas?

They’re considered legal “tender”

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A man is sitting at the bar, hammered drunk...

all of a sudden he throws up all down the front of his shirt.

"Ah shit my wife's going to kill me" the man yells.

The bar tender takes pity on the man and decides to help him out "don't worry mate, just tuck a $20 note in your top pocket and say a drunk at the bar threw up on you, then...

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the drunk genie joke

So a guy walks into a bar, and sees a magic lamp just sitting there. He asks the bartender, "who left this here? alladin?"

the bar tender shakes his head and says,

"nah, it really works. pour a shot into it!"

so the guy buys a shot and pours it into the lamp, and out pops a geni...

A raw chicken strip dreams of being cooked and enjoyed one day

Until then, it's just a pre-tender.

Three guys go out to the pub

They're drinking until one of them notices something feels off. He looks at the wall, just a dartboard. He looks at the floor, lovely oak with a few scratches. He looks at the counter, someone is rubbing oils on it. He asks the man, "What're you doing?" to which the man replied, "Keeping the bar ten...

She was a gentle custodian of money made from dating apps

A tender tender of Tinder tender

Two guys are walking their dogs down the street...

One has a golden retriever the other a Chihuahua. As they are going along the one with the retriever sees a bar. He turns to his friend and suggests they go in for a quick drink. His friend says "That would be great but see the sign, no dogs allowed". The guy turns to him and says "Don't worry, just...

A cannibal walks into a bar...

A cannibal walks into a bar. He's got a bone through his nose, wild hair, wearing animal skins and a knuckle-bone necklace. He has a pronounced brow ridge, sloping forehead, and looks just like a Cro-Magnum cave man.

The bartender says, "We don't serve time-travelers here."

The canniba...

How did a man buy a house with a chicken finger?

It was legal tender

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A horse walks into a bar

The bar tender says, "sorry, we don't serve horses here." The horse protests, "but I'm not a horse!" To which the bartender responds, "why the fuck would you take horse dewormer if you're not a horse?!"

A string walks into a bar

A string walks into a bar sits down and asks the bar tender for a drink, the bar tender tells him that they don't serve strings in his bar. So the string walks out goes into an alley pulls his threads apart and ties himself into a knot. The string walks back into the bar and sits down and the bar te...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The bar tender: “What'll it be, boys?”

The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.”

The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.”

The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.”

The forth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a .....

What happened when the chicken was found stealing from work?

He was forced to tender his resignation.

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Don’t shoot the piano player

A guy is looking for a job and sees a bar advertising for a piano player.

He goes in and says, “I play, and I’d like the job.”
The bar owner says, “Well, play me something so I can see what you’ve got.”

The guy sits down and plays beautifully. The owner is moved. “What do you call...

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Three chefs were stuck on a deserted island.

They were completely out of food and about to starve to death so they decide they need to start eating each other.

First one of them cuts off his own hand. He marinades it in sea salt and then cooks it over a hot fire. The results are exquisite.

"Wonderfully crispy, just like my mother...

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This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


...

An indian lady visited a bar for the first time,

She sat at the table in front of the bar tender,

A guy at her left side ordered : "Jack Daniels , Single"

A guy at her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker , Single"

The bar tender looked at the lady and asked : "And you..?"

The lady replied : "Meenachi shockalingam , Marri...

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, and begins to cry

The bar tender takes notice and asks "hey, what's wrong"

"I've been caught sleeping with my patients, I'm going to loose my license."

"You're crying because of that? My cousin sleeps with his patients all the time, you have nothing to fear."

"Oh yeah? Is your cousin a veterinar...

The bar with the great 12-inch pianist



A man walks in to a bar to see a 12-inch pianist playing piano and he is amazing. He asked the bar tender where did you get this guy from? The bar tender tells him don’t even bring him up. The man kept ordering drinks and tipping so that the bar tender can finally answer his question.
...

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a young man walks into a bar

A young man walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of his cheapest whiskey.

As the bar tender is lining up the shot glasses and is pouring "what's the occasion"?

The young man replied "I just experienced my first blow job".

"So you celebrating"? asked the bar tender.

No.....

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OC. A sad bartender walks into a bar...

A sad bartender walks into a bar and orders a drink. The man behind the bar pulls out a towel, starts cleaning the counter and asks the bartender what's wrong. The bartender says he was scammed and given counterfeit bills and his dick hurts. He's a tender bartender with a tender bar in a bar with il...

A Man walkes into a Bar

He orders a shot of tequilla and the bar tender asks "would you like to try our challenge?"
The man confused, said "what challenge". The Bar tender then states " see those slices of meat on the ceiling?". The man looks up and sees 2 slices of red meat on the brick roof. Then the man says "what d...

I went to a bar last night...

The free peanuts mentioned how great my outfit looked.The broken jukebox told me i had a terrible hair cut.I asked the bartender what their deal was.
'Well,the nuts are complimentary and the music player is out of order'

There's a new company that's planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.

They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof, and even the best estimates are that they won't turn a profit until 2034. The steaks have never been higher.

A guy walks into a sheep pen,

"Hey, where's the baa-tender ?!"

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