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What did the bar tender say to the proboscis monkey?

"Why the schlong face?"

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A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

A termite walks into a bar

and asks: is the bar tender here?

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, and begins to cry

The bar tender takes notice and asks "hey, what's wrong"

"I've been caught sleeping with my patients, I'm going to loose my license."

"You're crying because of that? My cousin sleeps with his patients all the time, you have nothing to fear."

"Oh yeah? Is your cousin a veterinar...

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A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..." The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?" The man hugs the bartender, ...

What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?

A chicken tender!

Came up with this while putting chicken tenders out at my old job. lol

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A man walks into a bar. Orders a drink. Spits it out. "This is only aged two years!". So the tender gives him another. He spits again. "This is only aged four years!". The tender gives him one more. The man spits it out. "The hell is this? It tastes like piss!"

The tender says, "It is. How old am I?"

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A guy walks into a bar with 10 bucks and asks what he can get

The bartender says, "You can get those damn deer the fuck outta my bar!"

People who keep and look after chickens...

...are literally chicken tenders.

My boss asked me why I left a bucket of fried chicken on his doorstep

I told him I was tendering my resignation

Mr Singh walks into a bar

_*Mr Singh walks into a bar in London , orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.*_

_*When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; ...

A couple cannibals meet one day

A couple cannibals meet one day and the first cannibal says, "You known, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked them, roasted them, stewed them and barbecued them. I've tried every sort of marinade and I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibals asks, "What...

A man walks into a crowded bar on a Friday night, and there’s a big commotion going on

Curious, he walks into the crowd and tries to find what is so exciting. Looking up, he sees several pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. Even more curious now, but also rather thirsty, he works his way to the bar tender. The man asks the bartender, “Why are there pieces of meat hanging from the ...

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The difference between a non drinker, a social drinker, and an alcoholic...

The bartender hands a drink to the non-drinker... the non-drinker hands it back and says "uh, there's a fly in it".

The bar tender hands a drink to to the social drinker... the social drinker notices a fly in it, picks the fly out and then proceeds drink it.

The bartender hands a drin...

A good looking young woman walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for a double entendre

So he gives it to her

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A young boy's mum gives him their last possession: a duck

She tells him "Don't you dare come back til you've gotten a good price for that duck."

Off he goes to the market. On the way there, he's stopped by a prostitute. She propositions him and he's unable to resist.

"But, ma'am, I've only got a duck."

"How much it worth?"

"My m...

Joke my grandpa told me.

So a guy walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for three shots. The bar tender asks why 3? The guys says he has 2 brothers. one who lives in England, one who lives in Scotland. He says he has a shot for all 3 of them, so it feels like he’s with the. The bartender give the guy his three shots. The...

I saw a very drunk Kimi Raikkonen trying to order liquor from a bar tender...

"No no, Kimi. You will not have the drink."

Bar Tender says “We don’t serve Time Travelers”.

A Time Traveler Walks into a Bar.

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A trick to baking tender chicken breasts is to beat the meat until it's soften.

Dudes: Beat mine a few minutes ago but the chicken is still as hard as a rubber!

Han Solo goes to a restaurant and orders a steak. The waiter asked how tender he’d like his steak to be.

Han said “Make it Chewie.”

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Tender touching

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine...

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A young man and a young woman are fooling around when the young woman starts to feel a little more kinky than usual and asks the guy to use his toe on her.

The young man shrugs and decides, Why not? and then proceeds to pleasure his girlfriend with his big toe.

The next day the young man wakes up and notices that the flesh of his toe is sore and a little pink and tender. He ignores it, but after a few days decides to go see his doctor when the s...

A bear walks into a bar. The bar tender asks...."what are you having?". The bear replies " ill have a gin.........and tonic"

Bartender "what's with the pause?"

Bear "I don't know, I've had them my whole life"

It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days and in a rare tender moment, he described the first time he ever laid eyes on Melania...

..and clicked 'add to cart'

The government was seeking for tenders to build a bridge

On Monday, the first contractor had a meeting with the minister.

"What's your quote?" the minister asked.

"$300 million" said the contractor.

"How do you come up with that figure?"

"Well," said the contractor, quietly, "$100 million for you, $100 million for me, and $10...

What do you call chicken nugget's served in a pub?

Bar-tenders

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At the beach (nsfw)

A man sees to a woman on the beach with no arms/legs. He starts a conversation and eventually asks if she has ever been kissed. When she says no he leans over and gently kisses her. After a while he asks her if she has ever had her breasts fondled. She replies no so he fondles her breasts tenderly. ...

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A gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed t...

An American contractor puts out a tender for a bridge to be constructed.

Several engineers apply for the job.

The German engineer comes with mechanics and techniques and proposes a bridge to be built for the sum of 20 million dollars.

The Chinese engineer comes, plagiarizes and copies the Germans stuff and after a lot of cost cutting and cheap materials, pr...

The queen offered me her hand which I raised to my lips and kissed tenderly.

"Put me down!" Tyrion screamed.

What do antivaxxers and responsible bar tenders have in common?

Neither give shots to babies!

NOTE: this is a repost from r/funny by u/rawridk so if that isn’t allowed I’ll take it down

Tender Moments!!!

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered with eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through the bad...

A guy walks into a sheep pen,

"Hey, where's the baa-tender ?!"

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A man walks into a bar with a beautiful woman on each arm.

A man walks into a bar with a beautiful woman on each arm. He reaches into the front pocket of his jacket and pulls out a hundred dollar bill and asks for three drinks.

The bartender puts the drinks on the bar and immediately, a tiny man runs out over, climbs up the bar and kicks over his dri...

A piece of string walks into a bar...

The string gets sloppy drunk, barfs all over the bar, so the bar tender kicks him out. "You're banned!"

The next night, the string wants to get back in, so he ties a not near one end and frazzles up the fibers sticking out, then walks into the bar.

The bartender yells "Aren't you that ...

3 kangaroos walk into a bar

"Why in the world are there 3 kangaroos in the bar" says the bar tender

The kangaroos then wreak havoc on the bar as they are wild animals and belong outdoors where they can do wild animal things.

My friend told me he gets tears in his eyes whenever his partner makes tender love to him.

At first, I thought he was an overemotional sissy, then I remembered: He's still in prison.

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A man has been getting horrible debilitating headaches for a long time a& finally decided to go to the doctor...

And he’s just begging for some relief. “They just won’t stop,” he says. “I can’t do anything, my work is suffering, I can’t spend time with my family, it’s just gotta stop!”

So the doctor does some tests and says, “well there’s good news & bad news. The good news is, I found the problem, ...

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A tourist backpacking through rural Ireland enters a bar, and inside there's only a bar tender and an old man nursing a beer. They sit in silence until the old man looks over to the tourist and says, "You see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands."

The old man continues, "I found the finest wood in the county, gave it more love than my own child, but do they call me O'Connor the bar-builder? No!"


He points out the window, "You see that stone wall out there? I built that stone wall with my bare hands; found every stone, placed them j...

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My grandmother said her knee was tender...

But she's a fucking liar. I've been to a dozen different places, and no one will accept it as payment.



(I'm sure this joke or some variation has been told before, but I've never seen it on here and I just thought of it and had to post it. :)

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The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a fu...

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News from School

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are s...

White House painting tender.

Donald trump wants to paint the white house. He calls for tenders from China, Europe and India.


Chinese guy quoted 3 million U$


European guy quoted 7 million U$


Indian guy quoted 10 million U$


Trump asked chinese guy, how did you quote 3 million..?" ...

Two hot dogs walk into a bar, what does the bar tender say?

Sorry we don't serve food here.

What do you call it when all the hens in the coup resign the same day from their jobs laying eggs?

Chicken tenders.

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So a bar tender tells a man its 2am, he's got to go.

The man stands up and falls flat on his face.
He tells himself he'll be better after he gets outside.
Crawls outside, falls flat on his face.
Says Il be fine when I get home.
Gets home, again he falls flat on his face.
Decides hes gonna sleep it off.
Next morning his wife wakes h...

A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."

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A man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated.

The doctor is very surprised at this. “Are you sure?!”

“Yes,” said the man. “I’ve thought about it, long and hard, and I’ve decided I want to do it.”

“But are you sure you’ve thought this through?!” the doctor continued. “This will have a huge impact on important aspects of your life i...

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A man sits down at a bar and see a jar full of $10 bills.

He asks the bartender, “Hey barkeep! Whats up with this jar of money?”
The bartender replies, “The game is simple. Put in $10, complete a challenge, and you win the jar.”
The man is intrigued and slides in a $10 bill. “Alright, whats the challenge?”
“First, you have to drink this entire bo...

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A man walks into a bar in Vegas.

He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish."

The bartender knows this type, a...

My wife is concerned about my vaccine side effects

Day 1:

“How’s your arm doing?”

“It’s just a bit tender near the injection site.”

Day 2:

“Google said it is supposed to last 4 hours.”

“I think you got the wrong Pfizer info sheet.”

A termite walks into a tavern

He grabs a seat and looks at the gentleman behind the counter and asks "is the bar tender here?"

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A woman walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscaper and asks the bar tender for his best drink.

A man at the end of the bar spoke up and says 'you gotta try the beer. Its magic! I'll show you.' He grabs his beer, chugs it, runs over to the window and jumps out. The woman gasps and runs to the window so see the man fly around the building and right back in. She is so amazed she gets a beer, chu...

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

So, A Pirate goes to the bar and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his Crotch

So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?”

so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”

3 mathematicians walk into a bar

The bar tender asks the first, hey do you 3 want a drink, he responds “I’m not sure”
The bar tender asks the second, hey do you 3 want a drink, he responds “I’m not sure”
The bar tender, frustrated, asks the third do you 3 want a drink, he responds “yes we do”

A reporter in the old west.

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

A guy walks into a bar with a briefcase

He sets the briefcase down on the bar and opens it. He pulls a tiny piano out and sets it on the bar and a 1 ft tell man steps out and starts playing the piano. The bartender says "thats amazing! where did you get him?" The man says "from my genie." The bar tender asks "like a any 3 wishes kinda gen...

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

A joke walks into a bar

The bartender says, “That’s weird, I’ve never meta joke before.”

Ed Christie, CEO of Spirit Airlines, walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender “Can I have a draft beer?"

The bartender says "Sure thing. That'll be .50¢"

He replies "50 cents? That's really cheap!"

The bartender looks up and finishes with ."....and it'll be $3 for the glass, $4 if you just stand, $8 if you want to sit down, and ...

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A Couple Meet Online

They were both members of a senior chat site, and eventually started PMing each other, and then decided to meet in person.

That's when she discovered her mistake: she thought it was for seniors in college, where she was a cheerleader, but it was actually senior citizens. Her date was 73 year...

Chicken restaurants are pretty redundant when you think about it...

They just trade one type of tender for another.

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Ladies Playing Golf

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rus...

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A guy walks into a bar with an emu and a cat.

He sits down at the bar, looks at the emu and says "Emu, want a drink?"

Emu replies: Yeah I'll have a drink!

He turns to the cat and says "Cat, want a drink?"

Cat says "Yeah I'll have a drink, but I'm not fucking paying!"

The man orders 3 beers, the bartender says "That'l...

A man walked into a bar, and saw a guy at the end of the bar with a giant orange head...

He asked the bar tender “what’s the deal with the guy with the giant orange head?” The bar tender said “you should probably just ask him about his giant orange head.”

So the guy bought two beers, brought one over and slammed it in front of the other guy. He said “I bought you a beer, but firs...

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.

The bar tender says “I’m sorry. We don’t serve breakfast.”

Sylvia Plath walks into a bar...

Bar tender says, “What’s cookin, good lookin?”

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A guy walks into a bar...

... and asks the bartender for a Jack and Coke. The bartender hands him an apple. The man, looking confused, asks, "What's this?" The bartender replies, "Take a bite out of the apple." The man does and surprised, he says, "Wow, this tastes like Jack Daniels!" The bartender says, "Now turn it around....

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Menachem Begin (the sixth Prime Minister of Israel) walks into a bar,

and to his amazement just down the end, talking to the bar-tender is no one but Adolf Hitler himself. Well Begin thought to himself, this is my chance to find out what makes this guy tick.

So he goes up to him and says, “Hitler, what the hell you doing here?”

Hitler looks over at Mena...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Screwdriver, so the bartender hands him an apple

Confused, the man says "Bartender, I would like the drink." The bar tender shakes his head no and says "Just eat the apple."

The man takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise he says "Wow, this tastes like vodka!" and the bartender says "Turn it around." So the man turns the apple aro...

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Pinocchio goes to Geppetto for relationship advice

"Father?" Pinocchio asks. "I have a bit of a... sensitive issue. I've been talking with my girlfriend, and we want to start... making love. Only, she's worried about getting splinters, um... *down there*. Geppetto chuckles, but offers his woodworking advice. "This is nothing some simple sand paper ...

A test engineer walks into a bar...

A test engineer walks into a bar, orders a mag of beer.

A test engineer walks into a bar, orders 50 mags of beer.

A test engineer walks into a bar, orders 0.746 mags of beer.

A test engineer walks into a bar, orders 10000 mags of beer.

A test engineer walks into a bar, or...

Blonde walks into a bar

The blonde used to go to a bar every night and order three beers, one night she ordered only two beers. The bar tender out of curiosity asked her why. She told a sad tale about how she had two more friends that used to drink with her and now they do not meet up anymore. So she drinks 3 beers, one fo...

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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The bar tender says ‘oi you get out, we don’t allow those in here’. The man replies
‘Oh no don’t worry he’s perfectly tame, look I’ll show’.
The man then proceeds to unzip his trousers and take off his pants. The crocodile opens its mouth and the man dangles his balls inside the jaw.
Afte...

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a young man walks into a bar

A young man walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of his cheapest whiskey.

As the bar tender is lining up the shot glasses and is pouring "what's the occasion"?

The young man replied "I just experienced my first blow job".

"So you celebrating"? asked the bar tender.

No.....

"I think your car just got keyed by some guy..." I told a man in the street.

"Can't you give me a better description?" he said.

"OK," I replied, "some gentleman swiped his tender hand across the metallic section of your motor vehicle, sir."

I needed a place to keep my USDA inspected chicken strip

So I bought a wallet

Now my legal tender is safe

A blind man walks into a bar

He makes his way to the front, takes a seat and says to the bartender:
"You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
To which the bar tender replies:
"Mate, im blonde, and over there we have the world wrestling champion and he is blonde, on the other side of the room we have the womans boxing world cha...

My mom has been giving me tons of these kinds of jokes, here goes

What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?

A chicken-tender!

Whenever I tell her I'm gonna put them on reddit she gets so excited, so I'm gonna keep posting them

Termite walks into a bar...

A termite walks into a bar and looks for a seat. The first guy he sees is all beat up and has a bloody knife in his belt, so the termite keeps walking. The next man is shouting and is visibly drunk, so he keeps searching. Finally, the third man the termite sees has a smile on his face and is enjoyin...

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A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar.

*long*

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, strolls up to the bar and sighs "give me a Guinness mate"

The bartender gives him his drink and asks "rough day? ", the black piece of tarmac replies "aye I'm part of the A1 North and I've had all sorts over me today. 12 fucking lorries,...

The waiter said to me “I just want to let you know that kids eat for free.”

I said “Good! I’ll take a water and some chicken tenders, and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.”

A cattle farmer walks into a store

and asks the cashier "can I pay in meat", to which the cashier responds "as long as it's tender".

I'm really sorry

What dating app do chickens use?

Tender.

Getting drunk

at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for one guy.

An indian lady visited a bar for the first time,

She sat at the table in front of the bar tender,

A guy at her left side ordered : "Jack Daniels , Single"

A guy at her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker , Single"

The bar tender looked at the lady and asked : "And you..?"

The lady replied : "Meenachi shockalingam , Marri...

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One fine saturday morning, the husband wakes up early and goes outside to tend to the animals on the farm.

When he returns, he grabs his gun, wakes his wife up, and declares "Woman: We're goin' hunting."

Stirred awake by his words, she replies "Awww husband, I don't want to go hunting."

"Woman, you know the rules. If you don't do what I want to do on a saturday morning, you've got to suck m...

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A penguin walks into a bar

And orders a glass of coke. The bar tender slides the penguin a cool can. The penguin immediately slides the can back. “Bartender, I do believe I ordered a glass.” Confused, the bar tender pours a glass of Coca Cola and the penguin gets up. A man stops the penguin and asks “Why wasn’t a can ok?” The...

A piece of string walks into a bar

The bar tender says “sorry we don’t serve you kind round here”

The string leaves, twists himself up, parts his hair and walks back into the bar,

The bartender says “sorry aren’t you the same guy from before”

The string replies “I’m a frayed knot”

I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far.

This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant.

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.

It will be for people who love meat tender.

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A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

3 blondes celebrating

3 blondes arrived at a bar cheering and chanting "26 days' 26 days' 26 days". They ordered champagne and starting their cheering and chanting again. At this point the bar tender became very curious so he took the champagne to the table the blondes were sitting at personally. He said to the blondes ...

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Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...

Is the bar tender here?

I saw a dwarf goalie play two games in a row, and asked him, “Are you sore?”

He said, “Yes, I’m a little tender.”

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