When I was a kid, my parents always said, "Excuse my French!" whenever they swore.

I'll never forget my first day at school when my teacher asked the class of any of us knew any French.

My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants.

I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”

A man experiencing a split personality went to the psychiatrist. One personality swore he was a teepee and the other swore he was a wigwam.

The psychiatrist replied, "You're just too tense"

A cauliflower just swore excessively at me.

I think it might have florettes.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

The difference between a man and a woman's friends.

A wife did not come home one night and the next day the husband was furious. She swore she spent the night at a girlfriend's house.

The husband called 10 of his wife's closest friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

To get her back he did not come home the next night....

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This guy had a trained parrot that swore a lot.

And he also had a lady friend coming over. So he warned the parrot not to cuss at her. In fact, he tied a ribbon to each of the parrot's legs and instructed him to pay the woman a compliment if she tugs on one of them.

So the lady comes over and sees the parrot. "What will happen if I tug on...

Ten years ago I swore I would give up drinking whilst I'm at work.

I haven't touched a job since

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A golfer goes to confession

Forgive me father for i have sinned...

.."go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing...

PUBG swore they would end fortnite.

2 weeks later, Fortnight was over.

Really, Jen?

My sister, Jennifer, started a vlog where she could be 100% herself. She called it “Really Jen”. She recently went hiking and was doing a video about group of ticks she came across in the woods which she swore were in a polyamorous relationship together, if you can believe it.

Anyway, she ask...

I played the drums once, but I swore never to do it again.

I didn't want to deal with repercussions.

A man opened his fridge and swore he heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song.

After closer inspection, he realized it was just chives talking.

My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments.

Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.

I walked into a bar full of ugly women last night and swore I entered the Matrix.

Because all I was seeing were 1s and 0s

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The confession

A man went to his church for confession and he entered the confessional.

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”

“What is it my son? Did you commit adultery?”

“No Father I swore.”

“Very well begin your story”

“Well I was out at the Emerald Golf course and I was on h...

The government swore to shut down Fortnite due to claims of the video game aggravating children and teens worldwide.

Two weeks later, Fortnight was finished.

When my wife was in her 20s, she was so beautiful I swore she was a siren

Now she just sounds like one.

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Yesterday, my friend swore that his fields were constantly covered in mysterious crap that kept reappearing week after week after week.

It was all bull shit.

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I have become the very thing I swore to destroy

A pussy !

During his sermon, he swore he was a servant of God and not a mischievous little demon from Hell

But I knew he was an imp pastor

I swore off elevators

because I refuse to let a machine bring me down.

There was a man who swore he was getting smaller.

[spoilers](#s) Everyday, his height decreases by an inch. Alarmed, he visits the doctor immediately, and asks the secretary to squeeze him in.

"Surely, sir. The doctor will be here any minute. You just have to sit down and be a little patient."

There once was a famous fighter, anointed by the king in ancient france. After his death, all other knights swore to carry on his battle tactics, named after him in his honor, for all wars to come.

His name was Sir Render.

I once swore in an elevator.

It was wrong on so many levels.

The secret to true love for a man.

Ok guys so I thought I would lay out my Grandfather's secret for true happiness for men..he swore by it, and my father told me it was the best advice ever and made his life amazing!!

Ok so here goes!!

1 Find a woman that makes you laugh.

2 Find a woman that can cook.

3 fi...

Name Changes

Several hundred years ago a young hispanic boy was born. His mother wanted to give him a name deserving of her little king. Unfortunately, without medication and in pain she screamed when telling the nurse the name she picked. So instead of Prince, riIINS is what she heard and so Rins was his name. ...

Meeting the Parents.

Mortified doesn't describe how Jane's parents felt after meeting her boyfriend. He sported vile tattoos, swore and just had a hostile air about him.

After he left, the mother said, "Dear, he doesn't seem like a very nice person."

"Mom," Jane said, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be do...

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”

A man goes to the confessional and begins “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is your sin, my son?” the priest asks back.”Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.” “When did you use this awful language?” asks the priest.

...

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Two kids decided it was time they swore...

A 4 year old and a 7 year old.
The 7 year old says its time they started swearing, the 4 year old agrees.
The 7 year old says "when mum asks us what we want for breakfast, swear.", the 4 year old says ok.
They go downstairs and their mum says "What do you want for breakfast?"
The 7 year ...

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.

...and his wife is livid.
‟You SWORE that you‘d be home by 11:45!”
‟No,” slurs the mathematician...
‟I said I would be home by a quarter of 12.”

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My mate tried some Walkers mystery flavour crisps last night and swore they tasted like his wife's pussy,

He thought it was his imagination but everyone in the pub said he was right!

I swore at a nun the other day...

She hit me with her ruler,

It was a measured response.

An English man, Irishman and a Scotsman were drinking at a bar.

Suddenly, the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the barman wi...

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Joffrey was a huge dick in life, so when he died he went to hell.

When he got there he was greeted by Satan himself.

"Welcome to hell." said the Devil. "You were a pretty big dick up there, so you will be spending eternity down here. I will, however, let you choose how you spend that eternity. Follow me."

He led Joffrey to a long corridor with window...

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid th...

How did the police officer find out?

A group of 4 friends were driving home one night through the country road near their home after a late night of partying and debauchery. As they drove through the twisty, poorly lit roads they struck a pig that had escaped its pasture.

Although the pig ran off seemingly with just a limp, the...

the CEO of ryanair walked into a bar

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We d...

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A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

God and the Devil were comparing who had better computing skills

God said, "Well, to be honest, my Son has the best computing skills in all of Creation."

The Devil challenge God and His Son to prove it. They agreed to a series of computing challenges that not only had to be completed within 70 times 7 hours, but had to produce the best possible results. ...

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An American spy goes to Russia

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swo...

A magical teddy bear decided to go for a walk

The bear decided to walk down the street and he stumbled across an alley where he heard some weird sounds. Being a teddy bear, it figured no one would care if it saw them as long as it acted natural. So it went to see what was happening.

The bear noticed an infamous criminal beating a man to...

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I just realized the fight between obi wan and Anakin perfectly sums up the past year of fighting between Millenials and Boomers, respectively.

When Jedi business becomes too real.

---------------

Millenials: You have allowed this giant turd to twist your mind, until now, until now you've become the very thing you swore to destroy.

Boomer : Don't lecture me, child, I see through the lies of the libtards I do not fear t...

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The Victoria's Secret Incident

I'm a detective and my day started off like every other. I woke up, took a shower, brushed my teeth, and ate a slice of toast and a single sunny side up egg that my wife made. As soon as I made my way into the precinct the sheriff, Chett Bradley, walked up to me. "There's been an incident at a Victo...

Two men walk into a bar in Alaska.

Two men walk into a bar in Alaska whereupon entering they see a beautiful woman dressed in furs, with tan skin and black hair sitting by herself. They remark to one another about how beautiful she is when one of the men decide to go and talk to her. After a moment or two, who solemnly returns to his...

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A young man is in need of a job,

And he looks through the classifieds to see what's available. He finds an ad from a farmer in need of some extra hands, so the man calls up the farmer and agrees to meet the next day to see what work he'd be doing.

The farmer greets him at the gate and begins to show the young man around. Fir...

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A man in a Uber car sees a hot young nun passing down the street

The man tells his driver:

\-Look at that nun, I can't help to be sad that a girl like her made a chastity vote.

He answers:

\-Ah, I know her! There is an easy way to fuck her: You dress up like Jesus when it's very dark and ask her for sex, works every single time.

Late t...

"IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! ITS A BOY"

and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel.

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A dominatrix was trying to improve her PR so she changed her name to Harm

One day she was getting a medical check-up and she realized she would have trouble paying her doctor. Being a sex worker, she tried to see if there was an alternative way to pay.

“Doctor, isn’t there something we can figure out?”

“I see where this is going and I appreciate the sentim...

A long time ago...

For many years, a small indian village had been mistreated by a great fire breathing dragon. All the villages were too scared to even leave their houses at night, that was except for a young man named Urkake.

Urkake was a fearless fighter who swore to the village that he would slay the drago...

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Wait for it ...

So one of my aunts is African American and ever since Black Panther came out, we all call he Aunt Wakanda (I know ...). Any way, my wife always tries to get my Aunt to go to our Catholic church with us, but my Aunt refuses even though she grew up in the church. We finally asked her why she won’t eve...

The Cuckoo Clock Mayhem

I was invited for dinner with my old friends.

I swore to my wife that I'd be back at midnight. She didn't believe me, but I still went there.

The meal was very tasty, time flied, my blood was already scarce compared to all of the alcohol and I was extremely drunk. At about 3 AM, I went...

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike

and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers. They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; “Did they take your new diamond ring ...

A woman walks past a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot on display.

She looks at the price. $20. She asks the store clerk as to why the parrot was so cheap.

"Well, you see, the parrot used to belong to a grizzled old sailor who swore a lot. He has quite a vocabulary but a rather foul mouth."

She stares at the bird. Realizing just how good a dea...

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Twas The Night Before Christmas

Twas the Night before Christmas
And All Through the house
Everyone Felt Shitty
Even the Mouse
Mom on the Toilet
Dad smoking grass
I had just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the Roof
I heard such a clatter
I spring...

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Robin Hucking

I once knew a guy named Robin. Robin Hucking. Yes, Robin. He hated his name. Everyone called him Hucking, or Huck.



Great guy. Best friend I ever had. Right up to the day he died.



Hucking did have one problem. He was a high rise construction worker with a bad case of acr...

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A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said “I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class.”

The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, “Do you have any idea who I am?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and gr...

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(NSFW) The hippy and the nun

One day a hippy walks into a bus, when he spots a nun sitting in the first chair. To him, the nun is one of the best looking women he has ever seen. Being the straightforward guy he is, the hippy walks up and asks, “Hey, wanna have sex?” The nun, shocked, smacks him in the face, and gets off at the...

Knock Knock!

Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 Who?


You swore you'd never forget...

Bird is the word.

I had a parrot. He swore up and down, all the time. I tried to get him to stop but he wouldn’t listen. F this and that, b word, c word, you name it. One day I finally had enough and I said that I’m going to stick him in the freezer to cool off if he doesn’t “cool it” with the foul language.

...

An old couple had lived under utility lines their whole life. One day the man saw a crew digging up the old wooden posts and chopping them up. Excitedly he ran inside to tell his wife “They’re finally removing those ugly lines!” The next morning they went outside to see a clear view of the sky...

But the lines were still there, held up by shiny new metal poles. His wife looked at him disappointedly, sighed, and swore, “God damn repost.”

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots...

Seamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of Bushmills and three pints of Guinness.

"Rough day, friend?" the bartender asks as he pours the drinks.

"Nah - it's for me brothers. The three of us used to drink together back home in Dublin when we were younger. Now Mi...

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So this golfer goes to confession and tells the priest, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest says, "Tell me your transgressions, my son."

"Well," the guy says, "I was on the 5th hole last week and I hate to say it but I cursed."

"What happened, my son?" the priest asks.

"So I teed it up and I hit the ball about 40 yards past the hole..."

"And you swore...

A young boy who was a fan of tractors

There once was a young boi who loved tractors as he worked on his fathers farm. They had a green one, a blue one, a red, nearly every colour if tractor, big and small.

But one day as the boy was working with his father in the field. His father fell from the green tractor and was crushed by th...

Sister told me the police were going to do a welfare check on my aunt...

Could have swore that she got those in the mail....

Don't Swear At Other Drivers!

Eddie was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way.  Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig'.  The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie.  Then his car hit the pig.

It was Billy Bob's birthday

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the tip, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every pi...

My wife's twin tricked me into sleeping with them

I swore I had no idea, but she just never forgave me for sleeping with her brother.

'You seem to be visibly distressed,' said the judge to the witness.

'Is anything the matter?'

"Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

A couple had 100 children

Once a couple had 100 kids, and so they named them 1-100. Time passed, and they all went on to have their own children, although not nearly as many. 90, in particular, disliked animals; but one day her children saw a sickly dog, scavenging the streets for food. The children couldn’t resist taking th...

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It wouldn't have been as funny if it hadn't actually happened... [NSFW]

I worked in a store with very religious owners. This meant that the employees were careful with their speech, never swore, etc.


One day, my co-worker decides to tell me a dirty joke that she heard at the bar the night before. Here is the joke *as she would have heard it at the bar*:
...

Priest is about to give confession...has to make an emergency trip to the bathroom...

He opens the back door and looks for anyone to help him as the line up is getting long. All he finds is the custodian.

He signals to him and asks to cover for him. The custodian says he has no idea what to do.

"That's easy. Just listen to the confession, look on the wall inside th...

"What an age-appropriate joke for /r/funny"

An old Jewish man is on his deathbed, and his family is gathered around him. He's too weak to lift his head or even open his eyes, but he can talk to his family.


"Rachel, my beloved wife of fifty-seven years. The love of my life, my soulmate, the woman God created me to be with, are you h...

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So a priest goes to the market to buy some dinner...

He walks up to a fishmonger and asks to buy some trout. The guy says, "Yeah, sure, I'll give you some of this dam trout."

The priest, a little offended, says, "There's no need for that kind of language." The fishmonger says, "Oh, I don't mean the swear. This trout was caught at a dam, so it'...

Alaska

These two guys had both just got divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and tol...

Goose that gave golden eggs

A hunter was on his way back to the village holding a dead goose he caught. He met a scammer from another village on the way. The scammer decided to try his skills on the hunter. Scammer claimed that the goose was his goose that laid one golden egg everyday and now hunter must compensate him for his...

Tractor Fan

I once had a friend named Gary. Gary loved tractors. He spent his whole childhood on tractors, cleaning them driving them and even fixing them. But once, when Gary turned 16 he was driving his new tractor that stalled, throwing him into the air, breaking his leg. He was devastated. Since that day he...

Another parrot joke.

A boy decides he'd like to have a parrot. But searching around he finds that they are all very expensive. He finally finds one at a discount a a local pet shop but it has a crooked beak.

He decides to buy it anyway because he's read on the internet that it can be carefully filed straight. ...

I saw a guy smoking two cigarettes today

I was walking down the street and saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, I asked him about it and he said that his friend recently went to jail and that he swore upon his life to always smoke on his behalf as long as he is in jail.

A month later I walk by the same street and spot the same ...

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There once was a little fella in school named Dirty Johnny...

One day in class, the teacher says "Now, this is what you're gonna do here, class, I want you to stand up and tell a story from your life, and then afterwards, reveal the moral to that story".

So a girl raises her hand. "Yes, Becky! What's your story?".
So Becky stands up and she says "My ...

Jack partied hard with his friends...

Jack partied hard with his friends. It was late and they all passed out. Next morning he went home to a very angry wife. She asked him where did he sleep. He said "At my friend's house.."

So she called 10 of his closest friends.

7 of them assured he slept in their houses.

2 swor...

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i took almost 2 weeks...

The mayor wanted to get more townspeople to attend the city council meetings. one council member suggested a hypnotist. Everyone thought it was a good idea.
A few weeks later, the town hall was packed and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist took out a pocket watch and began to chant,...

Some friends of mine recently lost their baby.

They swore to never dress him in camouflage again if he turns up.

What do you call a T-Rex with tourettes?

*Dino-swore.*




I'm sorry.

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Everytime this dude goes to a bar, he orders three beers..

.. but he orders the three beers at once, and sits by himself in his chair, enjoying his loneliness, with the three bears before him. He'd drink one, then go the next one, and then the last one.

Since the dude did this day after day, the bartender couldn't help but notice, and decided to ask ...

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office merger

Mike's startup company wasn't doing that well. He had a great idea for a tech startup, he got funding from venture capitalists, hired programmers, accountants, marketing analysts, everything. But sadly Super Tech Enterprises was failing. For months his former roommate's company was offering to bu...

Last night for Halloween, I saw exactly 12 people dressed like Eleven.

I know this because after the 9th 11, I swore I'd never forget.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking down the street when I saw a black man carrying a tv...

I could've swore it was mine, but then I remembered mine was at the house polishing my shoes.

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I was talking to a farmer in a pub....

I was in a pub out the back of nowhere, with a mate, and we struck up a great conversion with an old farmer at the bar. I asked him to tell us a bit about himself, and he told is this great story.

"See, I loved tractors, right, ever since I was a little kid, my dad would take me out to lots ...

Cloud Roulette

Three men in a car get into a crash and wind up in front of Saint Peter himself.

"Ah, first vist of the day! Not that I wanted you to die..." Saint Peter looks at a small clipboard and says, "Names!"

All men respond with their full names.

"Okay then... What? That's odd... None o...

Swearing Parrot

Did you hear about guy who had a parrot who swore continually. Finally, the guy told the parrot if he didn't clean up his language, he was going to throw him in the freezer. The parrot continued to swear, so the guy did as he had threatened. After a couple of hours the guy let the parrot out of the ...

A Golfer's Confession

"I swore yesterday, father."

"Continue," said the priest.

"Well, I was playing in a local golf tournament, and on the eighteenth hole, a par three, I needed a birdie to win. My drive was perfect, but it hit a power line crossing the fairway."

"I see...and you swore at your misfo...

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Teen drug bust

Two teens are busted by the cops for possession of narcotics. Their day in court rolls around and the judge says to them:
"I'd hate to throw two young men in prison for a half-dozen years for something like this. I'll give you a week to convince as many people as you can to never do drugs and I'...

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