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Testify Jokes

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A man, called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question but got the opposite advice.

“Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his priest, told him o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Indian student in USA

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said: "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Ch...

A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”

“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Sustained,” said the judg...
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Why does Trump want his Whistle Blower to testify?

Clinton’s whistle blower got to testify.

Mr. Epstein, we need you to testify about the people who used your "services".

Jeffrey: "Over my dead body!"

What do you call a group of people called to testify at the Salem witch trials?

Witchnesses.

"Mr. Sessions, thank you for agreeing to testify before us today. Could you please tell us, what did you discuss with the Russian ambassador?"

"Our grandchildren."

Did you hear about the hillbilly who was called to testify in court?

When he spoke you could only see the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

Mr. Marcus was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.

"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

Why did the tear testify in court?

Because he was an eye wetness.

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to be read in the voice of george st. pierre (NSFW)

so there is this french canadian guy out in the bar, in alberta, he's having a few drinks he's buying rounds, having a real good time. he meets some girls, starts buying them drinks, and next thing you know he's out on the dance floor, making out and working that french pelvis of his, and with his ...

The other day I was playing 2 truths and a lie.

Well, technically I was testifying in a murder trial.

Divorce

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man test-ified. "So naturally when I am hom...

My wife told me she was going to do something to me with her mouth that would make me scream.

Turns out she meant she was going to testify against me in open court.

Police Officer's Comeback

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.
..

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'...

Three televangelist.

Three televangelists were debating whose denomination was the correct one. After much debate and getting nowhere they decided to settle the matter by invoking a miracle. They all agreed that walking on water would be a good challenge, so they go to a local pond.


Pentecostal goes fi...

Lawyer and Witness

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying.
The following exchange took place between the lawyer
and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident
happened?"
...

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