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My friend self proclaimed that he is the pride of the class

I replied, "no wonder you're the biggest dick'

this literally just happened, he's speechless and I'm proud of myself

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

A self-proclaimed genius walks into a bar and says...

..."I'm the smartest person in the world. In fact, I know every single word in this dictionary!" he yells at the crowd.

One of the patrons takes the dictionary and says, "Okay, tell me the meaning of the words *humility, charity,* and *patience."*

The genius replies, "Oh, so you're jus...

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A waitress, on her last day, decides to walk to each of her tables and lift up her skirt to proudly proclaim,

"Super Pussy!". She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her skirt and, again, proclaims, "Super Pussy!" and awaits his reaction. The old man looks at her, then her pussy, then back at h...

My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed.

You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.

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A priest is out fishing on a lake with a member of his church.

Just when they were fixing to call it a day and reeling in the lines, the priest gets a bite. He finally gets the fish on the boat and his friend says, “Wow! What a beautiful son of a bitch.”


The priest looks at the man shocked. The man explains, “No Father. That’s what the fish is calle...

The wizard materialized on the hill above the outdoor festival and proclaimed, “All shall be vanquished.... except those in temporary shelters supported by a pole, and fully aquatic animals with spade-shaped teeth!”

The area was safe for all in tents and porpoises.

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida. They settle in a small little house. The neighbors are a little skeptical, being their race and all, so they keep an eye out on their plot for a few days. To his suprise, he sees that the family is one of th...

What would The Proclaimers do if they were French?

They would walk 804.7 kilometres

An Irishman, an Englishman, and an Welshman were walking along the beach when they came across an old lamp wedged in the sand.

They picked it up, gave it a little rub, and a genie appeared.
“I usually give three wishes,” proclaimed the genie, “but as there are three of you, I will give you one wish each.”
The Irishman paused for a second then said, “I wish there was no more racist stereotypes in the world.”
“Grant...

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

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Old man and the IRS

There was this old man in his 80's, that got a letter from the IRS telling him to contact them immediately.

He calls and the IRS agent and is told he needs to come to his office regarding some irregularities with his account.

The old man thought about it and decided he should bring h...

Even The Proclaimers have been affected by the coronavirus

The government has urged them to restrict their walk to 5 miles

When Noah's Ark settled safely after the flood, he opened the doors and commanded the animals, “Go forth and multiply."

All the animals departed from the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaimed again, “Go forth and multiply,” but the snakes stayed put. Perturbed, Noah asked them, “Why have you not followed my command?”

*“We can’t multiply. We’re Adders.”*

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A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen

At the beginning of Creation...

God created humanity and he told his angels to assemble all the human parts. There were mountains of; head, arms, legs and every other body parts. And he explained how to assemble the parts. Heads on shoulders, arms by the side, etc.

So they started making a lot of people because they had a l...

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A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

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Donald Trump walks into a Catholic church.

He turns to the altar boy and asks

“where’s that box where I proclaim all the fucked up shit I’ve done lately”

The altar boy, stunned to see the president in his church, directs Trump to the confession box. Trump steps inside and the altar boy realizes the priest is nowhere to be found...

The Proclaimers and Vanessa Carlton get into an argument...

The Proclaimers insist they'd walk 500 miles and then 500 more.

Vanessa straight up says she will walk a thousand miles.

So, apple, lemon, and pea escape from the refrigerator..

Happy to be free from their prison, they go to a bar to celebrate. Many bars later, they're all tipsy at best when they come across a hill.

Pea, being a energetic drunk, gets super excited saying, "Hey! Let's roll down the hill! Come on!" And before the other two object he launches hims...

A guy and his girlfriend were getting frisky, and he says “I’m pretty good, god-like even” as he starts to go down on her.

“Oh god! Oh god!” she’s screaming and thinks “he really is god-like” as she finishes with an “ooooooh gooooooood!”. He lifts his head, spits in the water glass on the night stand, and proclaims, “Red wine!!”

A guy with LED Light up shoes at work, excitingly proclaims "Look at my shoes! They light up when I walk away!"

His annoyed co-worker sarcastically replies: "Doesn't everyone?"

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

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A man's yatch capsizes and he is about to drown in the middle of the ocean

Loudly he proclaimes "Nothing to fear! My lord will save me!"

A tug boat comes by and the sailor spots the man

"It's your lucky day mate, jump in and I'll take you to shore"

The man replies, "thankyou for the kind offer but I have no fear, my lord will save me!"

"Suit you...

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A guy in a bar loudly proclaims: "All lawyers are assholes!"

Another guy overhears him and says, "Excuse me, I resent that remark."

First guy: "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

Second guy: "No, I'm an asshole."

"All STEM graduates are ignorant fools who know nothing beyond their field!" Proclaims a journalism major, and an STEM graduate nodded in agreement

while nodding, the STEM graduate took the coffee handed to him by the journalism major, then walked out of the starbucks and back to his Mercedes.

The Pope opens up the newspaper, and finds the headline says he has been accused of Matchfixing!

The Pope opens up the newspaper, and finds the headline says he has been accused of Matchfixing!

Although he doesn't have to, he decides to go to court to clear his name of this slander.

At the courtroom, the prosocuter asks him, "Is is true that you sent Juventus your thoughts and pra...

I knew a guy that was a self proclaimed “time lawyer”

He told me his work dealt a lot with minute details.

A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar...

As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!”

The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”

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A virgin is trapped in the woods on a deserted island

A virgin is trapped in the woods on an island which appears to be deserted. However, once he sets up camp, some indigenous people tie him up and capture him.

The man is pretty ugly, so the tribe decides he is probably a virgin. The leader proclaims, "It is as prophesied: the gods have brought...

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NSFW Western v Eastern medicine

A GI had caught a venereal disease while serving in overseas. His penis had become infected, red, and smelly.
The GI went to a doctor and he told him that amputation is the only option to cure it. Disillusioned the GI had a second opinion and was told again that amputation was the only option. <...

IRL Accidental joke story

IDK where to post this but I figured I'd make some people chuckle before it gets taken down. But if someone in comments could point out a subreddit for funny stories, thanks that'd be awesome.

Was working on a neighbors overhang/pergola and roof (damages, old house). His 4 year old kid was as...

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A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell he...

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Onestone

There was a native American once named 'One Stone' because he was born with one testicle. He hated his name. He proclaimed if anyone ever called him that again, he would take their life.

One day a young woman named 'Bluebird' forgot and called him '1 stone'. He made love to her until she d...

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom, the man has no issues but the woman can’t reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks h...

Two Aliens come to our Planet

They are greeted by armed forces. They inform us that our inferior weapons don't stand a chance against them. The only way they will let us go is if we can make them laugh. However, they have seen all jokes there are on the internet and only a new original joke will work on them. Humanity gathers th...

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An extremely wealthy man invited his high school friends to his big estate for a reunion.

Aside from being extremely wealthy, he is also extremely arrogant and prideful. As he welcomed his friends to his house, he gave them a tour of his estate, showing his cars, helicopters, private jets, and even his own yacht, all the while bragging about all his assets and wealth. Finally, at the end...

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I have had it with those types of people who knock on your door proclaiming to be your saviour and that if you don't act now, you will burn

Fucking firemen!

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A man on a business trip in Spain decides to take in a bull fight

After the event, he stops in to the little restaurant next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants, he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.

The other customer starts eating what appear to be two large meatballs with great gu...

A little son asks his father what a communism is...

...and the father starts explaining:

"Well, son, once upon a time there was this man named Lenin, except his real name was Uljanov. He had a friend named Stalin, except he wasn't his friend and his name was Dzugashvili. They started the October revolution, except it wasn't a revolution, it wa...

Three inmates at the insane asylum gather around the lunch table to plot how they can break out and regain their freedom.

Rudy, the longest standing resident explains they should all meet along the Southern wall at precisely midnight, whereupon he will use his recently illegally acquired hospital issue flashlight to vault them over the wall. Then it’s a short walk across the border into Mexico.

Upon hearing the ...

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An elementary school teacher decided hand out candy and have the students guess what they are...

The teacher explains to the class the game they will be playing; guessing the candy she gives them. The class roars in excitement.


The teacher walks over to a student named Suzie, and hands her a peppermint. The student puts it in her mouth, and without skipping a beat says, "I know thi...

Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger? In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days, but before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lon...

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Self-proclaimed "west virginia backwoods Redneck" told me these were the best jokes ever, tha. Waid "birds's gotta eat, just like a worm."

what do you call a deer with no eyes? ... .

No eye deer.


What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?


Still no eye deer.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in a desert when their car breaks down.

Thinking quickly, the brunette decides they should all start trying to scavenge and collect supplies for the long walk to the nearest gas station.

The other two girls agree, so they begin their hunt.

The brunette grabs her knife from the car and cuts a few cacti open, hoping to col...

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should’ve custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulation...

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"

Step 1. Play the Proclaimers - I'm Gonna Be (500 miles)

What? I'm laozi

Long ago, in a faraway land, there was a traveller.

He wanted to sell a goat, but no one wanted it. He travelled far and wide to see if anyone wanted it.

One day, he reached a small town in the desert. Before he entered the town, he decided to take a nap under a tree, and tied up his goat nearby.

On waking up a few hours later, he found...

Jesus and the adulteress

He stands in front of the crowd who already have their hands raised with the stones, holds out his hands and proclaims " Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her. "

The hands sink, and the congregation starts to hang their head in shame as suddenly a stone ...

A priest, lawyer, and engineer are about to be executed by guillotine.

The priest puts his head in but the blade doesn’t fall. He proclaims god has saved him, and is let go.

The lawyer is next, and again the blade doesn’t fall. He states that he can not be charged more than once for the same crime, so he is also let go.

The engineer puts his head into the...

Everyone knows Frank. [Long]

One day, Frank and Fred were chatting and Frank said ”Oh ya, I know everyone.” And Fred failed to believe him, so Fred replied “I don’t believe that you know EVERYONE. I’ll bet $100 you don’t know Mayor Marabell.” Upon hearing this, frank replied “Oh ya! We went to highschool together!“ Fred decided...

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A man is being released from a US hospital.

As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “what the hell is going on here?!” The nurse replies, “you see, this man has a serious condition where if he d...

What do you call a cassette single of The Proclaimers' hit "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)"?

Scotch tape.

The Old Joke About Beliefs:

Man walks into a doctors office and says

“Doc, I think I’m dead, can you help me?”

The doctor tells him he’s clearly alive, but the man won’t believe it. After thinking hard about it he asks “would you bleed if you were dead?”

Man says “Obviously not”.

So the doctor prick...

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There was once a man who LOVED golf

There once was a man who loved golf. Once each year he would save up for an all expenses paid golf vacation on a resort Island.

This year he met a beautiful woman. and they hit it off immediately, playing golf all day, and wonderful sex all night.

At the end of the 2 weeks at the resor...

An inventor is about to pass, leaving all he has to his only family. His two children.

He was a very altruistic person in life, only using his inventions to help people and not make any profit. His daughter admired this trait and followed this path becoming a tinkerer herself. His son, however, was an opportunist. He would always attempt to make a profit off any of his father's invent...

A young man is finally about to leave for college

His things are all packed up and he is at the door.

"Father, i'm about to leave." He said.

"Son, im so proud of you. I wanted to give you a little gift before you go." His father said emotionally.

He reached out and hands him car keys.

"I want you to take the family car a...

An American working in London visits a rural pub in the west country

There are three farmers sitting at a table and he can't help but overhear their discussion.

"I reckons its like TrrrrrrrrrUUUUUUUMMMP!" says the first farmer ending the sound with a triumphant squeaking crescendo

"No no, it's more like Trrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuoooooomp" responds the ...

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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

Fishing

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a B#tch!'

'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

'No, Father, that's...

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Hypnosis

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches
I've been having. All these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, St...

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Two Irish men were digging a great, big hole

After a few hours of digging, the one Irish man turned to the other and said, "I wonder who died this time, this will be an expensive grave."

To which the other replied, "Yes, and our boss is a real arsehole. While we dig our butts off, he probably sits in his office, sipping bloody tea! It's...

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

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A man was taking a train to the city from a rural town, when he saw the most beautiful blonde he'd ever laid his eyes on

Upon close inspection, it seemed that the woman was a country bumpkin; and that he overheard her say to an attendant that it was her first time riding a train, and going to a big city.


Because his lust was too strong, he was determined to take advantage of her and waited for an opportunit...

A guy gets a job driving the Sesame Street bus...

It's his first day on the bus, and he's sitting at the stop and a little girl gets on and says "My name is Pat, and I'm fat."

So, he shrugs his shoulders, says hi, and tells her to take a seat.

The next little girl gets on the bus, and says "My name's Patricia, and I'm obese".

H...

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A thug starts harassing a nun on a bus

He's saying things to her like 'show me what's under that outfit' and 'I bet you're not wearing any underwear'. The nun is clearly uncomfortable and eventually clutches her bible to her chest and yells 'LORD PROTECT ME' and gets off the bus at the next stop.


The thug starts yelling abus...

A blonde visits her doctor for pain all over

The doctor asks her to explain what is happening. The blonde responds with, “It hurts everywhere I poke myself!” The blonde proceeds to poke herself on her arm, “ouch!” Her leg, “ouch!” She proceeds to poke herself everywhere followed by a loudly proclaimed, “ouch.”

The doctor grabs her wris...

The Hunter.

There was a big game hunter in a bar in Africa. He was on a safari vacation with his wife. He was very good as a hunter.

While in the bar, he boasted that he could tell any animal and how it was killed by the feel of the pelt and the bullet hole. And he could do it blindfolded.

Of co...

Ukrainian mother-in-law joke

The morning after the wedding, the newlywed couple is sitting at the kitchen table when they are joined by the bride's mother. The husband, still slightly drunk from last night, decides that now is the proper time to display his manly authority.

He starts by calmly issuing his demands. "For b...

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A man goes to the circus

A young man named John was a huge fan of the circus all the way through childhood, he had a huge affection for the acrobatics, showmanship and the hilarious clowns.

Finally, one day, a circus came to his tiny village and he saved all his money to make the trip.

He had a great time, the...

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek.

Einstein counts down while the two hide. Pascal immediately runs for it, but Newton just draws a square around himself and stands there.

As he turns around he proclaims "Found you, Newton!"

"No, you found one Newton on a square-metre. You found Pascal."

Just after the US Civil War, a handsome and proper Texan Colonel, a beautiful young debutante, and a foppish city boy from the east found themselves travelling by train through the heartland of Texas.

As they rode in silence, the Texan couldn't help but notice the city boy kept staring at the young woman. He scowled his disapproval each time he caught the boy's eye, but the boy kept staring at the woman.

Finally, the city boy screwed up his courage, placed his hand on the debutante's knee,...

A Man Finds a Lamp...

A man is on a walj when he comes across as lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out.

The genie tells the man he will grant him 3 wishes.

The man thinks long and hard and declares "I want to live a long and healthy life."

The genie immediately scans the man's body, eliminatin...

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

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Chris Pratt, Jesus, and Hitler are sitting in a bar...

Jesus, Chris Pratt, and Hitler are sitting at a bar drinkin' a few brews.

Jesus says, "Hey we should all try and get in the Guinness Book of World Records!"

To which Chris Pratt replies, "Yeah, I bet I could get in it for most loved person in history."

Jesus then says, "and I be...

Sad Old Man

There once was an old man. During his life, he had started his own tech company, married a beautiful woman and had two children who moved on to be successful mechanical engineers. He also vehemently argued against Christianity, Buddhism and Islam and proclaimed that the only reasonable religious vie...

Trees

I accidentally posted this to the Reddit subgroup "funny". Hopefully I have the right spot now!

Two trees are growing up side by side in the forest one is a birch tree, and one is a beech tree. They are so conceited, theyrarely noticed the rest of the forest around them. Until one day, they l...

A visit to the Doctors

We both put on our combat boots, camouflage jackets, balaclavas and masks, strode up to the counter and loudly proclaimed "Nobody move! We have an appointment".

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created.

As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to see a seven-foot tall grizzly bear charging right at him! He ran back up the path, with the bear close behind. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run faster. he looked over his shoulder as the ...

Stalin tells a joke

Stalin decided to tell a joke one day. He gathered his faithful people to the red square and proclaimed that He would now tell a glorious joke. HIS people were curious and said:”well comrade Stalin what is it?”. Stalin, with a straight face said: “Food”. The people were puzzled and said: “Comrade St...

The cold January Month is making life difficult for the couple

The German wife says "I so desperately wish for April"

The Husband though thoughtful of their economic toils consoles her and says he'll try everything he can.

The husband comes home gaily one day and proclaims "Here's your Pril"

The Pope, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

The pope crosses himself, blesses the ball, and swings. He drives the ball 600 miles. He bows his head and gives thanks for the amazing drive.


Jesus steps up to take his shot, I holds his hand in the air, creating a tailwind, and takes a swing. He drives the ball 900 miles.


T...

A critic reads what the local newspapers say about him

The papers say that everything he says seems to contradict itself. Baffled and deeply offended by this, the critic loudly proclaimed:


"My rage is indescribable!"

After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals...

"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!"

And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark.

"Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to mul...

Gene was at work one day and curiously asked his recently new co-worker, Claire, if she had any wishes for her weeding that weekend.

The only thing Claire had hoped for was for it to snow on her big day and that she would be devastated if it didn't happen.

2 weeks later, Claire arrived back at work happy as could be; talking with her co-workers about how perfect everything turned out.

Gene overheard her conversati...

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So a ventriloquist is on stage telling jokes at a local bar with his dummy on his leg. He asks if the audience wants to hear a blonde joke and the audience cheers with general enthusiasm...

“Ok” he starts, “how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”

But before he can finish, a blonde woman from the audience stands up, outraged.

“How dare you! How dare you generalize us like that just based on our hair color!”

The ventriloquist apologizes profusely ex...

An old man is riding his Harley through California,

As he was riding, he saw a shiny object on the side of the road. The old man pulled over, picked it up, dusted it off and discovered it was a genie lamp. He rubbed the lamp and the genie appeared.

"You have freed me from the bottle, so I shall grant you one wish. Name your wish!" Stated the G...

A husband and wife went out shopping for essentials to avoid the corona virus.

After picking up a package of toilet paper, the husband glanced up and noticed another man walking towards them. The husband then shouted something incomprehensible , grabbed his wife by the arm and quickly ushered her into another aisle. The wife was upset as he had embarrassed her- everyone was l...

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. ...

The Swing Bar

Jim's friends take him to a bar he hadn't been to before then. It was like any other joint, minus the oddly cheap booze, and the group of people huddled in the corner.

Jim asks the bartender what they're doing, and he explains that they're having a "swing".

Jim and his friends venture...

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An Australian walks into a US bar...

...with a crocodile under his arm. The bartender takes one look and says, "Hey! You can't bring that dangerous animal in here!"

"Dangerous? That ridiculous!" the Aussie proclaims. "Watch this!"

He places the croc on a table and grabs a nearby newspaper, rolling it up. He hits t...

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

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A farmer is laying in the bed with his wife

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.


He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"


She looks at him wistfully...

So I was just starting to play Harry Potter - Wizards Unite...

...and was walking down the street. I noticed a young lady at the bus stop was also playing, which sparked a small conversation. She was very cute, maybe in her early 20s. She was telling me all about the professions you can pick from because she just hit level six. I was only level four so it was e...

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Guy walks into a bar and sees Hitler

So a guy walks into a bar, and sitting at the bar across from the bartender is Hitler himself. The guy walks up to him and says "Hitler, you're alive? I thought you died a long time ago?"

"Aah, that's just a conspiracy. I've been in hiding, and now I have a new plan. I'm going to kill 6 milli...

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Young naive couple

A young naïve newlywed couple from rural China decided to move to America to start a new life with nothing but big dreams and the love for each other. They arrived at their new home in rural Minnesota, and although they were happy and still in love, the first couple of months were difficult. They ...

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

A Jewish Man from the Shtetl is trying to get some sleep

while some brisk elders are playing backgammon right beneath his bedroom window.

Lying in bed and anxiously eying the ceiling,
he ponders about how he might just find some of that replenishing sleep.

He goes to his window and desperately looks into the crowds. Then he‘s got the bri...

Story with a moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

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With the spread of Coronavirus, many around the world appear to be developing Constipation:

Doctors say it is not a symptom of the disease, but rather an effect of the panic being incited by the disease. One doctor even proclaimed, "People seem to be Scared Shitless!"

Looking dog tired...

A three-legged dog walks into a Texas saloon, spurs clinking as he walks. His six-shooter slapping against his furry hip, he bellies up to the bar staring down the bartender and proclaims, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Once Upon A Time there was a International Poets Contest. All the poets from across the lands came to compete bringing there best original work to compete against their peers. For 40 days and nights they competed eliminating Poet after Poet.

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they ha...

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During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”

The Methodists prayed in a corner.
The Baptists wondered where they could find water. The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the ...

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Four football hooligans are stranded on a deserted island

After several weeks of surviving on nothing but river water and berries, they decide that one of them must be sacrificed to feed the other three.

“Let’s decide based on the team we support - and *I* support Chelsea” the Chelsea fan proclaims proudly.

The other three look at each other,...

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A man get a job in the coldest part of Antarctica...

He's been there for a few weeks when he builds up the courage to ask about the lack of women situation.

One of the guys tells him, "yeah don't worry. We got you. After work, follow me I'll show you. "

The two men walk to a absolutely nightmarish cold wasteland area with a black barr...

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A Bishop had finally had it with a priest in his archdiocese who kept fucking up Sacraments

Right before he was about to excommunicate him, the priest got on his knees and pleaded to give him another chance. The Bishop was a good guy so he allowed the priest one chance.

"If you can preform a matrimony without anything going wrong, I will not fire you"

The wedding starts and e...

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The consolation in misery

The caliph of Basra, in the Arabian Thousand and One Nights, had earned a reputation as a cruel and harsh man. His sentences were exceedingly rigorous, his punishments merciless.

The Janissaries presented him inmates every day, and the caliph, after knowing the guilt of each one, decreed the...

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Dirty Johnny

Little dirty Johnny just started grade one. His teacher introduces herself:

“Hello everyone, I’m your teacher. My name is Ms Prussy. “

Little Johnny thinks to himself: That’s easy to remember. It’s pussy with an “r” in it.

The next morning, the teacher says:

“Does anyone...

Hard to swallow

My friend says to me "I'm sick but I'm having a tough time keeping my medicine in me".
"Why don't you try taking it with food like soup or a banana?" I suggest.
A few days later I see him and he's looking a lot better.
"I tried taking my meds with a banana like you said and it worked!...

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A sadist, a rapist, a murderer, an arsonist, a necrophile and a masochist see a cat in the street

The sadist proclaims loudly, "I want to torture that cat."

Not to be easily outdone, the rapist says, "I want to torture that cat and then fuck it."

Following suit, the murderer says "I want to torture the cat, fuck it and then kill it."

The arsonist says, "I wanna torture the c...

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A woman walks into a bar at the top floor of a building...

She sits down and orders a drink, she hears a drunk man at the end of the bar talking loud about his drink. So she asks him,

“what are you drinking?”

The man proclaims.

“This is the worlds greatest drink! It gives you powers!”

The woman thinking the man is crazy, simpl...

Captain Smith is an officer of the Union army.

One day, his unit gets overran by an overwhelming ambush by the Confederate army. He is captured and taken to a Confederate garrison where he is brought up to General Jones. To his surprise, he is greeted warmly and served a sumptuous lunch and aged bourbon by his captors.

"I'm sorry, Captain...

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An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bathroom

The Englishman takes a piss, and wipes his hands very thoroughly with 7 squares of toilet paper, while loudly proclaiming that "In England, we always do our job extremely thoroughly"


The Scotsman takes a piss, and wipes his hand with just one square of toilet paper, using every square inc...

A boy stays home from school one day and catches his mother having a steamy affair...

He is playing in his parents bedroom when he hears his mother lead her lover up the stairs. The boy hides away in the closet. Before things get heated, however, his father comes home early. “Quick, into the closet!,” she yells, and the lover hides inside.

“It’s dark in here, isn’t it?,” asks ...

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