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Curse Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n, he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease

... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and ...

The curse of the coffin

Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The thre...

Being an Amputee is a blessing and a curse...

On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I don’t.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man buys a talking parrot, and he’s shocked to learn that the only thing the parrot does is curse.

All day, every day, it’s just a torrent of profanity.

He tries everything he can think of to make the parrot stop cursing.

He tries speaking in only kind, polite words and the parrot replies with, “Shit. Asshole. Fucker.”

He tries yelling at it. The parrot just says, “Motherfu...

How do Turkish Germans curse?

DÖNNER VETTER KEBAB!!

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, atta...

Apathy is a curse

But I really can't care enough to do anything about it

the cursed prince

there was once a prince who had been cursed by a witch. the curse was that he could only say one word each year

well one day, by the stream, he meets a beautiful princess. he decides that he loves her, and doesn't speak for 3 years so that he can save up the words to tell her " I love you"....

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The man's curse

A man was cursed by a wicked witch. He could speak only one word per year, so if he said a word, he had to wait for another year to say another one.

One day, he saw a woman. Beautiful, splendid, sexy, breathtaking!! So he then decided to take the chance of marrying her, so he had to plan what...

Cursed family

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Why doesn’t Oedipus curse?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

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The Princess with the cursed hand

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who had been cursed from young - any object that she touched with her hands instantly melted in just about three seconds, before disintegrating aftwerwards. She'd even killed her own father this way.

The Queen was desperate to remove this terri...

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A man was hiking in China

He walked up a beautiful mountain for hours until it was nearly night. Then he saw an old stone house, two stories high, beautiful but very old work.
He knocked on the door and an old Chinese man opened.
"Hello good sir, I know I am a stranger, but it is getting dark and I don't want to hike ...

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Learning new curse words

Little Sally and Jonnie were getting ready for bed one night when Jonnie asked Sally, “hey, did you learn any new curse words today?” Sally replies, “yes, I sure did! Ass!”

Jonnie says “oh that’s so cool! I learned a new one too... Damn!”

“That’s so cool!” Says Sally. Let’s use them...

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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

“...

Maybe more of a curse than a joke

I read some words from an anonomous author on the internet about 20 years ago. No context, just a single line that has haunted me ever since.

>!Nobody likes ketchup precum.!<

That's my gift to you. My guard is soon over. May these words forever live in your memory until you one d...

I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.

Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.

I think my fuse box has a curse on it

Must have been the Mains Witch

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There are three English football clubs with curse words in their name.

Arsenal FC, Scunthorpe United, and Fucking Manchester United.

The curse

There is a prince who has a curse where he can only say one word a year but if he goes a year without talking he gets to say two words the next year and so on and so on.
One day he meets a beautiful princess who asks he wants to go to the ball with her one day, the prince nods his head in agreeme...

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

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The curse of the forest

One guy goes out in the forest hunting. He spots a peculiar looking deer and shoots at it mortally wounding it . As the deer draws his last breath, a shaman comes out running of the woods and starts yelling at the guy that the deer was a very special deer and that he'd been cursed now by the spirits...

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A police officer stopped me and searched my pockets. Found a bag of weed. "What have we here?" "It's not mine officer." He scoffs.

"I'm serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket."
"Bullshit."
"Try me!"
He frowns, but follows me as we head to the bathroom in this cafe. I take out the cannabis a...

Me: I dont curse

Friend: You promise?

Me: I swear

My buddy doesn’t curse....

Stephen: “Son of a biscuit!”

Me: “I didn’t know biscuits had children.”

Stephen: “Sometimes I guess.”

Me: “How does that work?”

Stephen: “They’re bread.”

A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain while golfing."

"I understand, my son," the priest says. "I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?"

"Well," the man says, "I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees."

"Was that when you did it?" The priest asked.

"No, the ball b...

Two priests were playing golf...

Father Bob hit his ball into the woods on his first swing, "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed.

"You shouldn't curse Father Bob!" said Father Michael "Or god might punish you!"

Father Bob apologized and they went on playing.

On his next swing, Father Bob hit his ball into ...

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

“Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

What do you call a deer that can’t curse?

I don’t buckin’ know.

My mom doesn’t like when I curse.

But she’s totally fine with jinxes and hexes.

What do you call a pain reliever that makes you curse?

I be profane.

Cursed Warning

High-Lactose Cheeses are just minigun ammo for Lactose Intolerant people

Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!

Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."

Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely *will* be cursed!

Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: "Look whe...

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A witch put a curse on me and now my penis has a steering wheel

It drives me nuts

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How does a man who cannot curse kill someone?

He buttbuttinates them...

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As a foreigner, why do people make fun of the way I curse?

This one guy at work in particular. He's a scumbag, a real piece of fuck.

The United States is always being hit with tragedies and crises like a bad curse...

Just as if it was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground.

Why is America cursed

It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

The people in the UK curse weird

Someone told me to get the fork out of here

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Guys, I think I'm cursed.

Everything I eat... it all turns into *shit*.

I get nervous around cops who refuse to curse

They might say 'shoot' at a really bad time.

cursed bathroom story

A man is in a bathroom stall, when he hears a voice next to him.

Voice: How are you?

Man: Pretty good, how about you?

Voice: What are you doing?

Man: You know, just using the restroom, yourself?

Voice: I'm gonna have to call you back. I've got some idiot in the sta...

Cursed Re-union

*What is Reunion..? Reunion is when you get up in the morning and tell your wife you're going to Work.. Instead you go to your neighbour's Wife to make love to her. Her husband comes back unexpectedly, knocks on the door and you have no choice but to crawl under the bed... The Husband enters the bed...

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A priest goes to see his Bishop and asks if he would hear his confession

“Of course,” the Bishop said and took out his rosary. “And what do you have to confess?”

“Well Your Grace I used profane language,” the priest says, shifting a bit in obvious embarrassment.

“I understand,” the Bishop says. “And under what circumstance did you use the profanity?”...

Here's an old one. Who curses the most in Star Wars?

R2-D2, everything he says is bleeped out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I usually scream and curse a lot in the dental clinic

Just to fuck with my patients.

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

How to curse like an Irishman

"Whale oil beef hooked!"

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11 year old johnny decides to curse

Johnny was 11 years old and his little brother was 7.one morning Johnny decides its time to start cussing and his little brother agrees. a little while later their mom yells up the stairs and tells them to come down for breakfast.

When they get downstairs Mom looks at little Johnny and asks ...

A man and his wife retire after working at their respective jobs for 40+ years and settle on a nice ranch out in the country

The wife asks if she can adopt a cat since all of their kids have grown and moved on, so she was having some empty nest syndromes going on

The husband agrees and they adopt a cat from the local shelter

And this woman adored the cat, lavishing all kinds of love onto the animal

Un...

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A man was cursed with a 4ft penis.

It was so big, it impacted everything he did. He could hardly get around, let alone have sex. So one day he goes to a doctor and the doctor tells him, "I'm sorry, there's really nothing I can do for you, try the plastic surgeon." So he goes to the plastic surgeon, and he says, "I'm sorry, there's re...

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A single mother asked her dad what she should do because her young sons were starting to curse like sailors...

He told her the next time one of them said a bad word to smack him in the mouth and send him to his room.

The next morning at breakfast the boys came into the kitchen and the mother asked them what they would like for breakfast...

The oldest son replied... I want some fucking Cheerios...

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...

Today, it's called golf.

If I had a nickel for every time I was cursed by a puppet..

I'd have two nickels. Which isn't much but it's weird that it happened twice.

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

The Cursed Frog

One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool. 

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is beca...

Once there was a prince who, through no fault of his own was placed under a curse by a witch.

The curse dictated that he was only allowed to speak one word a year. However, he could build up credits if he had not spoken for a year.

One day, a beautiful princess came to his kingdom, and he decided to refrain from speaking for two years so that he could say "My darling."

However,...

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

My high school teacher didn't like cursing.

I used to have a friend named Floyd, but he's Loyd now. He once cursed at my teacher's class, so the teacher beat the F out of him.

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

A dyslexic witch cursed me!

Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome

We told the youth at our church that every time they curse they have to do 10 push-ups

So our church is a gym now

A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.

Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.

**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.

The man stood, shocked, before gathering his...

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It takes a slug three and a half hours to make its way up the front steps of a house. When he finally gets there, he knocks on the door.

A man answers, curses at the slug, bends over, picks it up, and throws it as far as he can.


2 years later, the slug returns and again knocks on the door. The man opens the door, and the slug looks at him and says, "What the fuck was that all about?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom cursed so much when I was little,

I thought my name was Fuck.

Apparently, the year 666 was cursed

Everyone that was born that year is dead !

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A man is looking for a long lost treasure and comes across an old witch.

He says, "I'm looking for the Treasure of the Hidden Sea. Do you know where to find it?"

She smiles and says, "I do. But there is a price to pay if you do."

"I'll pay anything," the man says knowing that he's been looking for this treasure for three decades. "Just tell me how to get ...

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A kid had a problem with excessive cursing...

A kid was constantly getting punished for excessive cursing.

The parents were trying everything to get him to stop. One punishment was that if he was at a friend's and he cursed, the friend's parents were told to send him home no questions asked.

He had been good for a bit so one day...

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A Russian is digging around an old battlefield.

He occasionally finds bits of metal worth scrapping, or something interesting enough to keep. Today, he finds a small clump of smooth metal, only a few inches wide. He tosses it from hand to hand, appreciating the way the morning light glares against the surface of the metal. The man wonders if ther...

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...

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I knew my mom was pissed when she cursed in a different language.

Her sign language was on point.

Once upon a time an evil witch decided to curse a young prince into a bear. The cursed prince sought help from a good wizard, but he refused. Why?

The prince was unbearable.

Two American tourists were backpacking in Europe

..when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest diner?”

The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.”

The driver tried again in Fr...

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After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain.

So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion. Only the prefect couldn’t stand Rod, so he told him:

“You will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back .... erm ... a pair of crocodile shoes!"

Roderick salutes ...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

You know Usain Bolt's kids are called Thunder and Lightning, right? Well he had another child that got cursed by a witch.

Hex Bolt.

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A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..."

The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?"

"Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend."

"Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary’s and may the Lord be with you."

The man replies, "but I really need to talk about it."

"Let’s have it then," the priest says as h...

The cruel god cursed his creations with dyslexia, but nothing happened since they could do no wrong while fully under his control.

So he gave all of them free will – and the first thing his creations did was deicide.

What shape gets rid of curses?

A hexagon

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