UPJOKE

Backwards.

### Two UFC fighters bet each other \$20 on who could recite their ABC’s faster

It was an alpha bet

### I have an old wine barrel that is haunted by the ghost of a pirate. The ghost is quite friendly and really enjoys when you memorise passages from one of the Harry Potter books and then lean into the barrel and recite the passage.

Sure, its unusual, but don't read too much into it.

### A lady and her foul mouthed bird

So a lady just recently lost her husband and is feeling lonely, so she decided to get a pet, she goes to the pet store and gets a parrot, she bring a it home and it keeps saying the most awful rude and hateful things, she goes back to the pet store and tells the manager, “Hey, my bird is saying such...

### Why can't pirates recite the alphabet?

They keep getting lost at sea.

### How come the boat couldn’t recite the alphabet?

He’d always get lost at “C”

Shrekspeare!!!

### One day in class, little Johnny asked to go to the bathroom.

The teacher said, “First recite your ABCs.”

So Johnny said, “A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z”

And Johnny replied, “Halfway down my pants.”

### Three fishermen catch a mermaid. If they agree to set her free, she will grant them each a wish. The first guy says, "OK, I want you to double my I.Q." Immediately, the guy recites Shakespeare flawlessly. The second guy asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q.

Suddenly, he's spouting complicated mathematical solutions. Impressed, the last guy asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid hesitates and asks, "Are you sure that's what you really want?" "Absolutely!" says the man. The mermaid smiles. Instantly, the third man turns into a woman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Four nuns are waiting in line for confession...

The first nun is called upon and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I saw a man's penis." The priest says, "For penance you will need to rinse your eyes with holy water then recite five Hail Mary's and one Our Father.

The second nun is called upon and says, "Forgive me father for I...

### Elderly Einsteins secret…

As he grew older, Einstein grew tired of giving the same interview, the same lecture, over and over again. His chauffeur recognizes this and says he knows Einstein's speeches inside and out, he is an amateur actor and began to recite them. Einstein was enthusiastic and for the following years Eins...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

### A Woman Goes To Buy (Another) Parrot

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.

"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only \$200"

"That's amazing, but I...

### The three sons of an old woman return home after years seeking their fortune

The three sons of an old woman return home after years seeking their fortunes.

They make merry and have dinner together. And before leaving, they hand their mother gifts.

The eldest son gifts his mother the deed to a massive palatial chateau in the French Riviera.

The middle son...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, whic...

### Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

### Can we dissect a classic joke??

I was driving through a rural area this afternoon when a chicken began to cross the road.

I chuckled at the little clucker and began to recite the classic joke in my head...

"Why did the chicken cross the road??"

I arrived at a predictable reaction; "this is a boring joke...it's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A pastor taught his parrot...

A pastor taught his parrot to recite the Lord's Prayer when he pulled a string on the parrot's right leg, and to recite the 23rd psalm when he pulls a string on his left leg. The pastor was showing this to a man in the church, he pulls the right string and the parrot recites the Lord's Prayer. He pu...

### A preacher buys a parrot

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23...

### An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian m...

### Three brothers are arguing over who got their mom the best Mother's Day present

The first brother says "I got mom the best gift! I bought her a brand new house! It's so huge, its practically a mansion!"

The second brother says "No, I got mom the best mother's day gift! I bought her a brand new luxury car and I even hired her a chauffeur to drive her around! She just has ...

### A young jock enters a pharmacy to buy condoms

Knowing the pharmacists is an old-fashioned gentleman and noticing a slight frown on his face, the young man decides to have some fun at his expenses by asking for another pack, remarking "you know, my girlfriend truly sounded thirsty last time I talked to her... Better be sure we don't run out!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A guy was on vacation in Mexico and he went to see the bullfights.

When it was over he went to a nearby restaurant. The waiter recited the menu and then said, "Since today there was a bullfight, we also have fresh testicles on the menu if you'd like to try them."

The guy was always up for something new so he ordered them. They arrived and they were absolutel...

### ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.

ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.
ISIS guy: Are you moslem?
Christian: Yes I am.
ISIS guy: Recite a verse from Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from Bible.
ISIS guys: Yallah-ho-snackbar, you can go.

Later Christian guy's wife: I can't believe you too...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class...

"Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days lat...

### Once a man met the great chessmaster Gary Kasparov on a plane seat beside him

The grandmaster says "would u like to play a game of chess for a \$100 per game?" The man replies "I know who you are mate I would never be able to beat you". Gary thinks a bit and says "I will play with my left hand" the man accepts.

Afterwards when he recites his story to his wife he sa...

### Little Jimmy puts his hand up in class: "Miss! Miss! I have to go to the toilet, quick!" The teacher replies: "Not until you say the alphabet."

So Little Jimmy recites: "ABCDEFGJKLMNOPQRUVWXYZ"

The teacher raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me," she says, "but where's the S, H, I and T?"

Little Jimmy just sighs. "...In my pants..."

### The Wong Brothers

In ancient China lived the Wong brothers, three wise men who studied the arts of magic. Wong Wan could create beautiful tapestries with the tiniest bit of thread, and Wong Tsu could miraculously make crops grow in barren soil. Wong Lee, however, was much more sinister than his brothers. His magic co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A woman wants to increase the size of her breasts.

So she goes to see Dr. Johnson who tells her she must do an exercise rhythmically and on a schedule of 10am and 2pm. He instructs her to bend each elbow one at a time and recite "If I do this as I must, I will increase my bust". She does this religiously twice a day for two weeks and sees some impr...

### Three sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled ...

### The Teacher instructed her class to create a sentence with the words; defense, defeat and detail.

Little Lisa, who was normally a very quiet and reclusive child immediately jumped and waved her hand excitedly. Thinking a breakthrough was imminent, she picked Lisa first. Lisa recited; The cat jumped over defense. Defeat went first, detail went last.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A man buys a heavily discounted parrot from a pet store. As he's walking down the street, the parrot squawks obscenities at passersby.

Eventually, the man runs into the priest of his church.

"Good afternoon my son," said the priest. "And who might your feathered friend be?"

"FUCK YOU!" squawks the parrot.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I fully intend to break him of this obscene habit. I'll even teach him...

### A man was struck by a bus on a busy street.

He knew his injuries were too severe to survive so, being a devout Catholic, he called for a priest to pray for him in his last moments. The surrounding crowd frantically searched the area for a priest, but none could be found. Finally, an elderly Jewish man stepped out of the crowd. “Now I’m not a ...

### The bicycle [long]

Two priests were talking, when one of them tells the other that his brand new bicycle has been stolen. He says that it must have been a member of his congregation, as he last saw it at the church.

The other priest says, "This Sunday, during Service, have your congregation recite the Ten Comma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### John and the parrot

John brought home a parrot as his pet. He taught the bird how to speak, and was amazed at its learning pace. Being a quick learner, the parrot started picking up words from its surroundings and would keep John entertained.

All was lovely and peaceful until one fine day, the parrot started usi...

### A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....

The man says to the bartender, "I bet you \$100 bucks my parrot can recite the Gettysburg Address!" The parrot squawks a bit and flaps its wings. Furious, the man pays the bartender and returns home.

When they get home the man berates the parrot for failing to perform and the parrot responds, ...

### A famous professor is going around giving lectures. After he finishes one up in Denver, he climbs into his car and talks to his driver.

"Hey Bill, take me back to the hotel please"

"Yes sir. Ya know, Dr. Diller, I've heard your lecture so many times I bet I could recite it word for word"

"Oh, you really think so? Well, if I ever can't make it to a conference one day, I'll take you up on that bet."

Well, believe ...

3 guys, who were brothers, were all discussing what gifts they were getting for their elderly mother for her birthday.

The first brother, named Michael, said, "I bought mom her very own Lexus and chauffeur. She was always complaining about not being able to drive well."

Jeremy, the se...

### Timbuktu

The National poetry Contest had come down to semi-finals between a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were both given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu”

First to recite his poe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### The Parrot at Church

There is a small church in a small community here in my hometown. It is full of all sorts of people. This one lady brought a parrot to church. This was not an ordinary parrot. The parrot was foul mouthed and swore a lot. One day, the preacher told the lady, “Ma’am, I am going to have to ask you to s...

### ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

### Timbuktu

This one I got from Playboys joke page in the late 80s.

Two guys with identical education and experience were applying for the same marking position in a company. The hiring manager could not decide which one to give the job offer to, so he calls them both in for a final interview at the sam...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Voodoo Dick [NSFW]

A young Marine was preparing for his first deployment when he overheard some of the senior enlisted in his company talking about their wives cheating on them while they were away.

"My wife screwed the mailman"

"My wife screwed my best friend"

"My wife screwed Ssgt Jones's wife"...

### The class had to write a short, rhyming, two-lines poem as homework.

Lisa stands up and proudly recites :

*Yesterday, my Dad and I we went to town*

*And I got a nice blue bike of my own.*

"That's a lovely poem, Lisa!" says the teacher.

Now it's Timmy's turn. He stands up and recites theatrically :

*When octob...

### You are now fish!

Catholics don't eat meat during the 40 days of lent. Now it so happened a Muslim carpenter moved into a catholic area. Now this guy loved his barbeque and he'd be out in his garden almost daily to enjoy his afternoon feast. Now lent started and the smoky smell wafting from his garden had many people...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Timbuktu

The teacher told the class to make up a poem about Timbuktu, to recite in front of the class.

The first child recited hers:

"When I was lying in my bed

I dreamt of a ship with funnels red

A beautiful ship, its hull was blue

I think it was going to Timbuktu."
...

### A man is driving recklessly on the highway

A man is driving recklessly on the highway. A cop sees him me pulls him over.
The officer asks the man to step outside of his vehicle and then asks for him to pee into a cup.
The man replies " I can't do that I'm diabetic, my blood sugar will get to low"
The officer then asks the man to blo...

### It was closing time at the bar

It was closing time at the bar and across the street sat a police officer in his cruiser hoping to pick up someone for a DUI. As people were starting to leave the officer saw one man absolutely hammered with his car keys in hand stumbling towards his vehicle, as everyone got in their cars and were l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A physicist recently won a Nobel Prize...

Over the course of the next few weeks he is welcomed to many ceremonies and events as a guest speaker.

On the way to the next event at Caltech University, he rehearses his speech again. During a pause, his driver says "You know I've heard your speech so many times I pretty much can recite it...

### One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A blonde comes home from school and says

"Mummy, mummy, all the other girls in my class can only count to 10 but I can count to 20. Is it because I'm blonde?"

Her mother replies:
"Yes dear, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the blonde comes home from school and says:
"Mummy, mummy, all the other girls in my cla...

### Thanksgiving Dinner

A young couple and their 5 yr old son were sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with all the Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, cousins and friends. The father asked who would like to say Grace. His young son spoke up, "I want say the prayer mommy says". His mother filled with pride, and told him to go ...

### It's a little known fact that William Shakespeare and Lord Byron died on the same day.

When they met Saint Peter at the pearly gates, he said, "We are honored to receive two incredibly distinguished poets on the same day! Unfortunately we don't have room for both of you to enter today, so we're going to have to have a little contest. I'm going to say a word, and both of you have to ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### The children gathered around their father

The first one asked "Why is my name poetry?"

"Because I went on a poetry website to recite a beautiful poem to your mother and then you were conceived"

The second one ask "Why is my name Amazon?"

"I went on that website to order a beautiful diamond ring for you mother. After she...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### [Long] Blonde girl comes home from school

A blonde girl comes home from school today and tells her mother that she was the only one in class to be able to recite the alphabet as far as the letter 'Q'. Her mother smiles and says, ' Well, that's because you're blonde'. The girl continues and tells her that in Math class, she was the only one ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A Jew walks into a church during services, and begins to pray

He puts on his tallis (a Jewish garb for praying), takes out a prayerbook, and recites the beginning of the traditional service. A clergyman notices the Jew, and, bewildered, says, "Will all non-christians please leave."

The Jewish man just continues his prayer, not paying any attention to th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A man was pulled over by a terrorist

The terrorist said " If you are not Islam, you will die"

The man raised his hands and said "I am a muslim"

The terrorist then shouted "Prove it, recite a verse from the Quran"

The man recited "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A Navy Rhyme

A Navy man, a war hero, attends a lunch at a Ladies’ Patriotic Society. Cucumber sandwiches on crustless bread – he endures it manfully. Then the ladies, who have been at the sherry, ask to hear a Navy rhyme. Ladies, he says, I will accede to your request. But in place of each atrocious word, I will...

### My friend and I were talking yesterday and

## he asked me if I sometimes randomly recited the English vowels. I replied, "Sometimes, why?".

### A traveling salesman...

A traveling salesman couldn't find a hotel one night.

He saw a light on a deserted road, and decided to knock on the door. It turned out to be a monastery; the monks were preparing dinner.

He was invited to join the others while the food was being prepared. They sat round in a circle;...

### Poet competition

It is a great poet competition in England. The final is coming up and only two men are on stage. On one side an Irish country pastor. On the other an American globetrotter.

The jury announces the last competition: There must be a quatrain that ends in Timbuktu. Whoever speaks first, will win....

### Tell me the funniest (or worst) puns you know

My girlfriend absolutely hates puns. I promise to recite each and every pun posted on here to her. Thanks again I love the reddit "jokes" community, most of you guys are hilarious.

### Timbuktu

Two gentlemen are sitting at the pearly gates waiting to speak with St. Peter. St. Peter asks them both to recite a poem using the word Timbuktu.

They sat there for a bit and the first guy says "While sitting on the ocean shore, listening to the ocean roar, I saw a ship passing through, ...

### A young student asks his teacher....

“Teacher, may I go to the bathroom?”
The teacher replies, “Sure, but first you must recite your ABC’s.”
The kid then stands up and recites, “ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ”
The teacher then says, “where is the P?”
And the kid replies, “It’s dripping down my leg.”

### A Buddhist, a Muslim, and a Christian all jump off from the top of a 100-floor building to prove their faith can save them.

The Buddhist jumps first. As he's falling, he chants "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." Sure enough, about halfway into falling down, he magically starts slowing down and he gently lands on the sidewalk. "Thank you, Buddha." he says with tears.

T...

### A guy gets his bike stolen from synagogue...

He goes to see his rabbi one day and says,

"Rabbi you won't believe what happened to me! Last week someone stole my bicycle from synagogue!"

The rabbi is deeply upset by this, but after thinking for a moment he offers a solution:

"Next week come to services, sit in the fron row,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### One day in class, the math teacher Mrs. Brown noticed that Little Johnny was not paying attention to what she was saying...

So she called Little Johnny to recite in class.

"Little Johnny, answer this math question," she said. "If you have 500 dollars and you gave 100 dollars to Susie and gave 100 dollars to Jeannie and gave 100 dollars to Mary Ann, what do you have ?"

### Is it because I'm black?

A black boy comes home from school. As he enters the house, he rushes up to his mom.

"Mommy, mommy" he says. "Today in English class the kids could recite the alphabet up to letter L, but I recited the whole alphabet up to Z. Is it because I'm black?"

"Why, yes honey" says his mom.
...

### My daughter was playing hopscotch by herself...

So my daughter was playing hopscotch, and recited the words "*Step on a crack, and break your mother's back"

And then my wife's back bent over, I then shouted at her to stop playing, but she continued and then recited "*Step on a line and break your father's spine*"

And then the neighb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A partisan joke for election day

Jacob, Jonah, and John aren't getting along very well in Heaven, and one day God gets tired of it and kicks them out. "I'm sick of you guys bickering. You don't appreciate the gifts I gave you. I want you guys to do something amazing. Work together and do something for the record books! As soon...

### Say the alphabets!

One day lil Jhonny had to badly go to the bathroom. His English teacher Miss. Strict didn't believe he had to go that badly and thought he was disrupting the class so told him to hold it in. Lil Jhonny kept pestering her every 5 mins until she had it. So she said recite the alphabets quickly and I'l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### An elderly religious woman receives an 80 year old parrot as a gift but it has the worst language.

It goes through every possible cuss word every day and night. She talks to a friend that tells her about a bird whisperer. She meets with him and he tells her to leave the parrot with him for one week.
When he brings the bird back she notices a string tied to each leg and asks about them. The ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### One evening, a vicar has a brilliant idea.

Wouldn't it be wonderful, he thinks, to have a parrot in the church doorway to greet the congregation as they arrive on Sundays.

So, next morning, he gets up bright and early, and heads off to the nearest pet shop, where he enquires about parrots.

They have but one parrot in stock, and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### [Long] Lori was assistant manager at the Sex Shoppe, and had been for a long time wondering, when do I get my shot at being Manager?

One day, her boss, the owner, said, “Lori, I have to go on a business trip for the weekend. You’re in charge. Let’s see how you handle it. You know the business well enough. Just remember, the new dildo line goes on sale Saturday. That’s \$25 for the white dildos, and \$50 for the black dildos.”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Little Johnny.

A kindergarten teacher told her students she was going to recite the alphabet and ask them to give her a word that begins with each letter. She began..."A". A few students raised their hands, including Little Johnny. The teacher thought to herself "I can't call on Little Johnny for the answer, he'll...

### Timbuktu

The chief poet of the town dies, so they have to elect a new one. The voting whittles the candidates down to two. The town holds a feast to choose the winner. The mayor stands up and declares that the winner shall be decided by voting on the poem the candidates can come up with on the spot based on ...

### A father decides it's time to teach his son how to pee standing up...

So he takes him into the bathroom, stands him in front if the toilet and says, "alright, son, this is really quite simple. All you have to do is follow seven easy steps, and if you recite them out loud at first it'll help you remember them. They go like this: 1. Open your trouser front. 2. Whip out ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Billy asks his teacher for a bathroom pass.

"If you Want a bathroom pass," says his teacher, "you need to recite the alphabet first."

Billy needs to go really bad, so he recites It as quickly as he can.

"ABCDEFGHIJKLMMOQRSTUVWXYZ!"

The teacher responds, "Almost, Billy, but where is the P?"