Why do police get to protests early?

To beat the crowd.

I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.

Hold on, it's 900.

Edit: No, wait, it's 500.

What’s the opposite of Protest?

Contest.

Whats the opposite of Progress?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

India has decided to boycott Chinese products on all fronts to protest the latter's stand on disputed territories and their failure to inform India on the Coronavirus.

Meanwhile, Chinese textile mills are rolling out an all-new clothing line: "Boycott China" and are anticipating great demand from India.

Some people say:’ why don’t they protest peacefully?’

And then here comes this guy: ‘why don’t they just do a Zoom protest? ’.

What did the cop do when he showed up to the protest?

Beats me.

Did you hear that Republicans finally found an appropriate movement to protest Coronavirus?

It’s called The No Lives Matter Movement.

The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

Some say cops are bad, protesters are good. Some say cops are good, rioters are bad.

Is it really such a black and white issue?

What do the protesters season their food with?

Assault and pepper spray.

I'm against protesting

I'm just not sure how to show it.

I tried to create an organization for dads to protest drunk driving

But it was just a FADD.

Did you hear that cops are going to start using bodycams when interacting with protesters?

Oops typo. Body*slams*.

What do they call protesters in North Korea???

Dead

"I'm here reporting at an anti-coronavirus protest today..."

"The protestors are holding signs ridiculing the lockdown, saying it's "just mass panic." There are also some doctors here today. They're holding signs as well."

"What do the signs say?"

"I can't tell. I can't read their handwriting."

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So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

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My wife and I went to a protest together and now she is asking for a divorce.

I don't understand why. I tried fucking the police like she said.

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

People are crazy in Michigan; protesting Covid-19 despite being one of the hardest hit states?

There must be something in the water.

You know those people protesting the stay at home order are really doing a great job

Proving that natural selection does exist

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The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of protesters have been using catapults to launch cow dung at recently erected wind turbines

They've missed every shot so far, but I have a feeling that if they manage to topple one it will be big news, and we'll all remember this day, saying,

"Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"

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That's It, Let's Protest The Quarantine.

I'm staging a sit in. To participate, just stay in your house. We'll show the government what happens when you mess with our freedom!

I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump...

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "...

What do you call a group of Karen’s like the ones protesting lockdowns?

A Covid of Karens.

There was a protest going on in my town about how there is too much trash on the streets.

Litter rally.

A man was driving on the highway when suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a box falling off the truck front of him.

Seconds later, a police officer pulled him over for reckless driving. As the officer was writing the ticket, the driver noticed that the box he'd avoided had been full of nails and tacks.

"I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and blown my tires!" he protested.

"Okay," replied t...

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How can you tell the difference between a Protestant and a Catholic? Ask them to name the books of the bible.

If you listen carefully, you'll notice that the protestant answer excludes the duetrocanonical texts, such as Tobit and Judith, while the catholic answer will be "How the fuck should I know? There's like 50 of them. Piss off."

Why are monks so good at protesting?

The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to p...

My friend Dante was a big PETA supporter, but suddenly started protesting against them.

Dante’s in fur now.

Your duck is dead...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

If you hate something you protest about it.

If you love something you antitest about it.

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Halloween party

A young couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him the...

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An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

The Trump Wall 2020 (original)

Since the USA is suffering from the COVID19 pandemic, the largest unemployment since the Great Depression and the country wide protesting, rioting and looting, The Mexican President calls Trump.
He says: OK, you win, the wall gets built, by us and we will pay for it! Just stay on your side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lemon, a potato and a pea had a tough week at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

I HATE THE SECOND LETTER OF THE ALPHABET SO MUCH THAT I AM PROTESTING!!

Say it with me!

BOOOOOOO Bs!
BOOOOOOO Bs!
BOOOOOOO Bs!

A Chinese journalist is interviewing a riot officer about the protests occurring in his city.

Journalist: Do you find it difficult to follow orders that may harm the people protesting?

Riot Officer: I do, some of these people are my friends and neighbors. When given such a choice, the only thing I can really do is listen to my heart.

Journalist: And what does your heart say?...

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An old man was living at a nursing home. One day a nurse noticed he was sad and depressed.

She asked “ Is there anything wrong?”

“ Yes nurse” the old man said. “My private part died today and I am very sad.”

Knowing that her patients were sometimes a little senile she said “oh, I’m very sorry, please accept my condolences”

The next day the old man was walking down the...

How many Westboro Baptists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

30. 1 to screw in the lightbulb, and 29 to protest it for being brighter than they are.

In reminiscence of the Tiananmen Square protests, China is introducing a new memorial day:

Happy Tanksgiving!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bear walks into a bar...

First thing he does is gobble up the barmaid. Then he orders a beer. Bartender says sorry, we don't serve bears on drugs. The bear protests but the bartender says hey, that was the barbitchyouate.

A group of people gathered to protest poor internet

- What do we want?
- When do we want it?
- Lag-free internet!
- Now!

Which matter is denser than a black hole?

The grey matter inside lockdown protesters.

Mass protests, the tension is mounting.

The cops are poising themselves, wacking their shields with their rubber sticks. The protesters are hurling rocks at the cops.

A cop says to his colleague: See that pudgy, well dressed old lady with the hat? That's my mother-in-law. Do not touch her. SHE'S MINE.

Why do the police prefer Uber?

Before protesters were always calling them ACAB.

Three Strings Walk Into a Bar

They all get a table and one of the strings says he’ll buy them drinks.

He goes up to the bar and says “Three beers please.” The bartender looks at him and says “Sorry, we don’t serve strings here.” The string says “What? You’re joking. No strings?” The bartender says “That’s right. Sorry”. T...

My husband offered to buy me Slytherin panties.

But I’m a Ravenclaw! I protested.

Yeah, he said, but I’ll be Slytherin them off of you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In celebration of my cake day, here's the worst joke I've ever created.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm...

The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."

"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, skeptical. "What for?"

"Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell yo...

Don’t die, there is so much to live for...

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
He said "Why shouldn't I?".

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well, are you religious or atheis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on the bus the other day when this young attractive woman started to breastfeed her child. An elderly woman got up and protested saying it was the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen and would complain to the bus company...

In hindsight, I really shouldn't have been wanking at the time...

What do you call a city filled with protesting geese?

Honk Kong

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A criminal gets arrested. NSFW

After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before.
"First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German, a Russian and an American are trying to see who can teach a cat to eat mustard.

The German grabs the cat and showed the mustard down the cat's throat.
"That's abuse!" - Protest the Russian and the American.
Next, the American puts mustard and a hot dog and feeds it to the cat.
"That's deception!" - Protest the German and the Russian.
Finally, the Russian grabs the ...

Is it okay to mock kids for protesting global warming?

Not in the current climate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

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Professor told dirty jokes in class

Professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it.

So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kinds of jokes,they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the protest.

In the next lecture,in th...

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An Englishman and an Irishman go out drinking one night....

The Englishman says to the Irishman, " listen paddy I wish I could stay out drinking with you but I'm skint."

Padd
y says, "aye George, I just spent my last few quid too.... but I've got an idea: go up and order two more drinks and a sausage and mash and tell them to put it on a tab." ...

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A Catholic priest, a Protestant preacher and a rabbi see a kid walking down the road.

The preaches says "Hey, look at the cute little kid!"
The priest says "Let's fuck him!"
The rabbi, confused, says "Out of what?"

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Three Japanese men die in a horrible bus accident and go to the gates of heaven. St. Peter stops them at the gate, eyes them suspiciously and says "Boys, most Japanese practice Shinto or Buddhism. You're actually Christians?"

The three indignantly protest that they were raised in Christian families and have practiced the religion their entire lives. St. Peter says: "Ok, I'm going to ask you one question. If you get the one question correct, you will get to go into heaven." Excited about not going to hell, the three Japan...

What motivates teens to protest climate change?

They're doing it for the Greta good.

How many HK protesters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick Question: They can't change anything.

Jk dont take this seriously plz

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No matter how much I love freedom and democracy, I know I can never stand with the Hong Kong protesters again.

The CCP broke my fucking legs

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An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Let me put it to you another way...

A man was studying a detailed sex manual when his wife asked him why. He replied that he was tired of the same old positions.

"But I don't understand," she protested, "I thought we had a very good sex life."

"Well, we do" replied the husband, "But, let me put it to you another...

What would China respond with regards the recent Hong Kong protests?

Tank you!

So this is how it ends, huh...

I was arrested for speaking out of line.
I was protesting against the injustices facing our community, the harsh taxes and oppressions that have faced my community for years. The cruel and unusual punishments especially. Our town is small and insular, so outside influence is heavily resisted by ...

The American and the Irish National

An American was driving from Dublin up to Northern Ireland. At the border a group of IRA members surrounded his car and the leader approached him.

The leader asked "Protestant or Catholic?"

Startled, the American thought quick and said "Actually I'm nondenominational!"

The IRA ...

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What’s the difference between Jews, Protestants, and Baptists?

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the head of the Church.

Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

A little Catholic boy and a little Protestant girl, both about four years old, were growing up in Northern Ireland...

Even though Catholics and Protestants didn’t generally get along with one another, the two played together often, not understanding why their families said they shouldn’t be friends.

On one particularly hot day, the two were playing when the little girl said, “‘Tis terribly hot today. We sho...

Alot of people have been protesting for the climate

They're just afraid of change

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A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew are stuck on a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

The Catholic and the Protestant pray for help, while the Jew relaxes in the corner of the raft, clipping his fingernails.

After they pray, the Catholic says to the Jew, "How come you're not praying? Don't you want God to help us?"

The Jew says, "20 years ago I opened up a clothing stor...

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Hitler died and went to the pearly gates...

Upon hearing of his arrival, God decided to relieve St Peter of his shift to talk with Hitler. He told Hitler he was going to hell, but Hitler protested and asked God for a chance to explain himself:

Hitler: I swear I can explain the morality behind what I've done, but I need a favor in order...

An old couple had trouble remembering anything

An old couple, Agnes and Fred, had trouble remembering anything.

During a checkup, the doctor tells the couple they are okay physically but should repeat everything to one another to help them remember things.

One night, Fred offered to make a bowl of ice cream for Agnes while they wer...

Three men are sitting in a hospital room. The first asks the second how he contracted COVID19.

He replies, "Because I support Boris Johnson's herd immunity."

The first man responds "But I am here because I attended a protest against Boris Johnson's herd immunity!"

They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him how he contracted the virus.
...

What did the homeless protester want?

Change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A military officer by the name of Major Bed had arrived in Thailand for an undercover job...

For the job to be an utmost success, he needed to get plastic surgery to change his identity a bit as well as a new ID. He found a renowned doctor who also made fake ID's and made an appointment for the next day.

After he made the appointment, he had the full day to fuck around so he decided ...

A joke for St. Patricks Day

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her futu...

Priests around the globe protest as more and more male teenagers use the new Snapchat filter to fap to themselves.

As a countermeasure, next month Snapchat will release a baby filter.

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Anal Deodorant

A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the assistant behind the counter "Can you tell me where the anal deodorant is please?"

The assistant looks confused and says "I'm sorry sir, I don't think we stock that".

"Are you sure?" he says, "I'm nearly certain I got my last stick of it from her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old friends were walking down the beach, and one spots an ancient-looking oil lamp.

He picks up the lamp, and just as he began to inquire 'What's thi...", his buddy rips the item out of his hands and begins furiously rubbing on the side of it.

Smoke began to swirl from the end of the lamp, and coalesced into a muscular man in old Arabian attire.

"I am a jinn who has b...

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NSFW The wax job

A trucker sees a Japanese massage parlor and decides to partake of the services.

He goes inside, pays $40 and they give him a perfectly ordinary massage.

He protests "Hey, wait a minute! Haven't you got something else? Something a little 'special'?"

The cute Japanese gi...

In protest, my friends and I are gonna march down to the city square dressed in trash that we picked up around the city...

...like litter-rally.

A Protestant is stoped at a stoplight when a Catholic rear ends him.

So the Protestant, as anyone would do, calls the police. When the police car arrives, out comes a big Irish police officer. The officer looks at the two cars, walks over to the Catholic, and says, “So how fast was he going when he backed into you?”

Attorney Checks Out Early

An attorney at the peak of life, and in great physical shape, suddenly drops over dead at the age of 38.

He arrives at the Pearly Gates and immediately asked, "Why did I die so young, surely this is an error?"

St. Peter looks into the Great Book of Life and replies, "Sorry no mistake, ...

In Russia, a man is driving with his wife and small child.

A policeman pulls the man over on suspicion of the man being drunk and gives him a breathalyzer test. “See,” the policeman says, “you are drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the policeman to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invite...

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An old woman walks into a bank and demands to meet the manager.

10 minutes later she is in the managers office.
She shows him several cases full of money and says " I want to deposit this into the bank"

Wary, the manager inquires " may i ask where you got that money from".
To which she replied" these are my gambling winnings".

To prove it s...

what do you call it when a small bug doesn't wanna pay to get into heaven?

a protestAnt

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Maggy's sex addicted boyfriend is a tree hugger

and every time he comes home from a protest she has to beat him off with a stick.

A group of deaf people get together to protest

The group begins chanting

“What do we want?”

“Hearing aids!”

When do we want them?”

“Hearing aids!

An Irish Republican Army soldier lies on his death bed.

One day, an IRA soldier lies on his death bed, dying of cancer. It's spread too far and couldn't be stopped. The doctor gave him his diagnosis, and only three days to live.

"Quick Moira," he says to his loving wife. "Enroll me as a member of the Ulster Volunteer Force."

"But why?" She...

A mans wife warns him if he comes home drunk after a night out again she'll kick him out.

He goes out with his mates to the pub with a promise to his wife he shall be home by midnight and will not get drunk. He gets to the bar, several hours and many drinks later, the man is in a terrible state.

He has thrown up over himself, fallen over and generally ended up blind drunk. His mat...

I got caught up in a religious protest for vegetarianism before. It was weird enough to start with but it got surreal when I saw a nun throw a huge fish into the village pond and then a monk trying to get it out again only to end up netting a large slab of beef instead.

Still not sure what was weirder- seeing the nun chuck fish or the monk fish chuck.

Time travelers protest

What do we want? Time travel! When do we want it? It really doesn't matter!

Protesters in Paris just attacked a fromagerie (cheese shop)!

There's nothing left but de brie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A panda walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house.

"You owe me money," she ...

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE . . .
The Italian – throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
The German – carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese – eats the fly a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've put massive billboards up on the side of my house one says "Henry the VIII was a Fat protestant Bigamist"

and the other says "Elizabeth the 1st was an ugly ginger virgin".

Well the wife said she always wanted to live in a Mock tudor house .

Did you hear about the hipster youth pastor creating a new Christian sect combining elements of Protestant and Baptist beliefs?

He's a Pabst-ist.

Edited to help /u/visualshocker get the joke

A Scotsman was giving a walking tour to a Greek guy through the hills of Scotland. They came across a sheep that had its head stuck in a hole in a fence.

‘Let me show you what we do in a situation like this’ says the Scotsman with a grin as he unzips his trousers and has his way with the sheep. After he finished he turns to the Greek and says
‘Ok, now it’s your turn’
‘I can’t!’ Protests the Greek, ‘My head won’t fit in that hole.’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”

The Methodists prayed in a corner.
The Baptists wondered where they could find water. The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the ...

A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.

His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties."

Husband asks:"Which people?"

A women at a women’s right protest got mad at me because I told her that “women sometimes can’t do the jobs that men can do”

She then got her boyfriend to beat me up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to her doctor to get her third face lift.

The doctor says "I would love to help you but I can't recommend getting another one. You have had too many already."
The woman protests and wants to know why she can't get her favorite procedure done again.
"Look" says the doctor. "See that cute dimple on your chin? That's your belly ...

Two army boys, Leroy & Jasper....

Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privat...

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.

A local anti-alcohol protester walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey and a glass of water

. The bartender, surprised to see the protester in the bar at all, much less ordering alcohol, asks him what he's doing. "Just watch," the protester replies. He drops a worm in the shot of whiskey, and another worm in the water. Within minutes the worm in the whiskey dies. "Now, what does that tell ...

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