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Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing....

Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing. So one night the elder makes a plan, "this morning at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck" the younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning.

Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The olde...

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(My Dad told me this one) So two eight-year-olds wake up one morning, deciding they're old enough to cuss...

So their mama calls them down for breakfast, and asks, "Little Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"

And Little Johnny says: "Alright, bitch, I'm thinking I want a motherfucking biscuit!" And mama *backhands* Little Johnny hard as she could, knocking him to the floor. She kneels down and l...

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The kids learn to cuss . . .

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss".  The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say...

A guy goes into a grocery store.

He sees a pile of potatoes, and asks the store keeper:


"What are those?"


"Those are potatoes"


"Can I have a kilo of potatoes individually wrapped?"


The store keeper shakes his head and start wrapping potatoes.


"What are those?"


"Tho...

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Why can't the aussie go on a "no cussing challenge?"

It's a part of his lifestyle, he cunt do it

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Two young brothers decide they're old enough to start cussing.

They decided that they could say "damn" and "ass". The next morning, their mom asked what what they wanted for breakfast.

7 year-old: I want some damn cheerios.

His mom gets mad, spanks him, and sends him to his room. When she was finished, she asked the other what he wanted.

5...

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Little Johnny cussed all the time....

And his parents told him, "If you keep on cussing, all you'll get for Christmas is shit."

He didn't seem to care and kept cussing.

On Christmas morning he looked under the tree - a pile of shit.

He peeked behind the sofa - another pile of shit.

He checked every closet - n...

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The dirtiest joke my Grandma ever told me.

A mother puts her two sons to bed, before they fall asleep.

The older brother tells his little brother, "I think it's time we started cussing."

The younger brother asks, "Well what are you going to say?"

The older brother responds, "I'll say, Hell."

The younger brother sa...

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I got really frustrated and my wife warned me not to cuss when the kids were around.

Me: This is such bull-

Wife: Shhh, say snake instead

Me: Oh right.. This is such snakeshit

Close one

A programmer began to cuss

Because getting to sleep was a fuss.


When laying in her bed


Looping round in her head


Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;

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Two guys are driving down a highway

The guy in the passenger seat asks the driver to pull over cuss he need to take a piss. They pull over and the guy gets out to take his piss. Suddenly the guy in the car hears a scream and runs over

Turns out his friend got bitten by a snake in the dick. The first guy calls his dad who is a ...

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Two lads are learning to cuss

Two brothers are learning to cuss and they decide they need practice. Their conversation goes something like this...

Older bro: tomorrow when we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna say “hell” and you’re gonna say “ass”

Younger bro: alrighty!

The next day when the boys go downs...

I don't cuss, I don't smoke, and I don't drink....

God damnit! I left my cigarettes at the bar!

Got suspended for cussing out my teacher

Not a bad consequence considering I'm homeschooled

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Cussing In Church

A crusty old man  walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the
secretary, "I would like to  join this damn church."


The astonished  woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did  you say?"


"Listen up, damn  it. I said I wa...

What’s a pirates favorite cuss word?

The hard ARRR

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Little Johnny and his brother at breakfast

One morning, Little Johnny and his older brother Billy are about to have breakfast, when Billy says to Johnny 'You know what? It's time we started to swear in front of mum. Let's begin slowly and drop a few cuss words." Just then their mother calls them for breakfast. They troop down the stairs and ...

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Dad was a bit mad and cussed me out about the socks I bought him for his birthday present this year.

I said, "You bastard, it's the thought that counts."


I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs.

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Little Johnny

So one day little Johnny is pulling his wagon up this long steep hill. Along the way he is just a swearing and a cussing. A priest walks by and hears little Johnny so goes up to him and says, "little Johnny you should not speak that way, god is everywhere and can hear you." So little Johnny ponders ...

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There's three cabs lined up on the side of the street

A guy walks by, talks to the first cab driver and says ''I'll give you 100$ if you suck me off'', the cab driver says ''Get the fuck outta here!''

The guy then goes to the second cab driver and makes the same request, the second cab driver then cussed him out as well

The guy then goes ...

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A priest is riding a cab

A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crac...

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The little girl who didn't know what cuss words meant.

A little girl is sitting in the living room on thanksgiving and her parents begin to have a fight and the mom calls the dad a bastard and the dad calls the mom a bitch, so the little girl asks her mom "what's a bitch and a bastard?" And the mom replies " a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlema...

My son is doing a social experiment for school.

He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened. Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.

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Two little kids decide to cuss like Dad

Two boys were in their bedroom before school one morning, the oldest boy looks at the younger one and says "hey let's start cussing today like Dad does." Little brother says alright yeah! The older brother said I'll find a way to say hell and you find a way to say ass. The little brother then agreed...

What do you get when you flip off a blind man, and cuss out a deaf man?

Fired from your nursing job.

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A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm From behind the bathroom door.

She knocks and asks, 'honey ,what is it?'
Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, 'The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having and no matter what I do, I just can't get the sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it ...

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My gf said to me the other day, “You should quit cussing.” I said, “No fucking way, it’s fun, plus I can stop anytime I want...

I swear.”

After I hit my head really hard, I swore.

I guess I was con-cussing.

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Two boys, 8 and 10 constantly swear...

One evening, when the boys are fighting, the mother gets fed up and decides she is done.

She tells the boys " I've had enough of your potty mouths! The next time I hear you cuss, I'm going to slap you!! Now get to your rooms!!!"

The next morning she is in the kitchen when the boys co...

A man asks his friend how to cook a gourmet meal as his family was coming over.

His American friend asks him to get three rams (A , B, C) and then put a gourd on each of the rams head in the kitchen and then see what happens .

He puts a gourd on ram A and nothing happens.

He puts a gourd on ram B and nothing happens.

As he puts the gourd on the third ram...

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Little Johnny has the foulest mouth in his first grade class

All the teachers at the school know this. One day, a teacher starts teaching her class the alphabet.

She says, "Class, who can give me a word that starts with the letter A?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher knows Johnny is going to use a swear word, so she picks someone e...

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An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

Too Much Drinking and Smoking

Sarah and Tamika met for drinks.

Sarah said, "Me & my husband are no longer together."

"What happened," Tamika asked.

"Could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?"

Hell No, of course I couldn't!" Tamika said.

"Well my h...

Why are there no ikea’s in religious states?

Because you can’t put the simplest thing together without cussing!

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What do you call a delicious yellow lump of shit that swears all the time?

Cuss turd

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Damn he can drive!

Damn he can drive!
This guy is on the street corner spitting and cussing.
A little old lady goes and gets a cop, telling him there is a guy spitting and cussing.

Sure enough when the cop come up to the guy he spits and says, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."

The cop tells him to ...

A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.

Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar.

Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says,

"Hi, sorry for bad English"

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A young couple that tragically died in a car crash before they could get married meets up in heaven.

As they are walking one day silently discussing something, God happens to be walking by and overhears their whispers.

God: My children, why do I hear two young people in love quarreling, what could be the problem?

Guy: Well we were actually just on our way to you and we were arguing ab...

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, ...

Two cars get into a minor crash, the cars a bit dented, the drivers completely fine...

The Pope gets out of one car and a rabbi gets out of the other. They are tolerant, cultured people and so there is no fight, no cussing.

"God giveth, God taketh away", the Pope says.

"Things come and things go", the ~~rabbit~~ rabbi replies and asks, "Shall we have a drink over our mis...

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Two brothers are in their room at night formulating a plan.

"I think we're old enough to start cussing," the older brother says. "Tomorrow morning, I'm going to say 'hell' and you're going to say 'ass', ok?" His younger brother agrees to the plan.

The boys go downstairs in the morning and their mom asks them what they would like for breakfast.
...

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A little boy is sitting on Santa's lap at the mall...

A little boy was sitting on Santa's lap in the mall and he told Santa, "I want a fuckin' skateboard under my bed, a fuckin' bike in the garage, and a fuckin' train-set under the tree."

Santa said, "OK," and went over to the little boy's parents. Santa told them, "If you really want to stop...

Little Boy and the Pastor

So back in the day, a little boy riding his bicycle home from school notices the community pastor in his front yard with a push mower. Not paying much attention the boy goes on home and does his chores. Later the boy goes back by the pastors house and sees him still in the yard with the mower and no...

There was a couple celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary by having a round of golf together as was their weekly custom since they had met.

The husband was set to tee off as his wife was waiting for her turn in the cart.

"You know honey?" the husband said. "I have a confessions to make. Years ago, after we were first married, i had an affair. It did not last long but i never told you and i wanted to tell you now."

His wif...

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When the bathroom is closed at the local bar, a man makes a bet with the bartender [Longish Story]

"Sorry sir, the bathroom is closed. You will have to go elsewhere", stated the bartender.

"Elsewhere, you say?" said the man, the wheels slowly clanking into place in his head forming an idea. He ushers the man into the closed bathroom by the sink. "Since I can't pee in this toilet like my gr...

My son is doing a social experiment for school

For a week he will be wearing an "I love liberals!" hat everywhere he goes and record the reactions he observes from people he meets. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, yelled at, slapped twice and even had a bottle thrown at him. Its really quite awful, im not sure whats going to happen to hi...

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This guy inherits a parrot when his friend dies...

But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb fuck, a cunt, and several other names.

The guy tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing.

Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer.

Even from in there, he hears him cussing him ou...

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Boudreaux lived down by the river in deep Louisiana.

On the other side of the river lived a guy named Clarence.

Boudreaux hated Clarence and Clarence hated Boudreaux. Every day since they were small children, they'd go down to their river banks and yell at each other across the river. They never really met each other because neither one could s...

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A hunchback and his lame buddy are drinking in a bar...

A hunchback and his lame buddy are drinking in a bar. It's getting close to midnight and the hunchback says he needs to get home to the wife. He finishes his drink and says goodnight to his mate.

Realizing the wife will cuss him out for coming home drunk and late he decides to take a shortc...

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Once upon a time there was a toad named Ian.

Ian had tourette's. His life's dream was to become a toad janitor. But every place he applied turn him down because he would cuss repeatedly as a result of his tourette's. Him saying cuss words all the time was distracting to the other employees.

Finally he saw there was an opening to be a ja...

A young married couple are walking down the street...

...suddenly the girl trips and stumbles against something and gets mud on her shoes. Her partner helps her clean up, hails a nearby taxi and they drive off.

An eyewitness retells the scene to another:
"I saw this couple walk down the street, the woman tripped and fell in the mud, the guy h...

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Did anybody hear what happened to that guy on the highway?

He pulled up to a gas station to fill up his tank, i guess they were doing maintenance on the pumps and didnt put one back together right, so while he was pumping, the hose popped off the nozzle and started spraying gas all up his arm.

So he went in PISSED. He was cussing, and yelling, eventu...

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Professor welcomes the class in Anatomy lab on the first day of medical school.

He begins by saying - You need 2 rules to become a successful doctor.

No 1 - you cannot feel disgusted by anything.

After saying that, he stuck his finger into the cadaver's butt hole.

Students look at him in a shocked manner, but eventually they give in and remembering his r...

A man buys a parrot and take it home

The parrot starts cussing up a storm, so the man puts the parrot in the freezer. After about 5 minutes, the man takes the parrot out and it says...

"Look, I've learned my lesson and will never cuss again, but you've got to tell me something!"

"What's that?" Asked the man

"What...

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Twas The Night Before Christmas

Twas the Night before Christmas
And All Through the house
Everyone Felt Shitty
Even the Mouse
Mom on the Toilet
Dad smoking grass
I had just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the Roof
I heard such a clatter
I spring...

A man buys a parrot for $2,500

The minute he brings the parrot into his house, the bird starts cussing at him, screaming, yelling and calling him every degrading name in the book.

Day in, day out, all the parrot does is give the poor guy a hard time.

The man tries to be nice, he tries pleading with the parrot, he ...

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A man and a woman broke up

A man and a woman were going their separate ways after 5 months together. The woman was on her way to her parents house and broke down when talking to her mom. “Mom”, the young lady said, “he made fun of me and I couldn’t take it so I ended it.” The parents were pissed at the man and drove the lady ...

A Christmas Story

One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Cla...

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This guy had a trained parrot that swore a lot.

And he also had a lady friend coming over. So he warned the parrot not to cuss at her. In fact, he tied a ribbon to each of the parrot's legs and instructed him to pay the woman a compliment if she tugs on one of them.

So the lady comes over and sees the parrot. "What will happen if I tug on...

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Watch your language.

Dad and son cuss too much, and mom has had enough. One night she tells them both, "I hear anymore profanity, and so help me, I will not be responsible for my reaction!"

The next morning, mom gets up and heads downstairs to the kitchen to start breakfast. Dad follows her and mom asks, "What do...

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An elderly religious woman receives an 80 year old parrot as a gift but it has the worst language.

It goes through every possible cuss word every day and night. She talks to a friend that tells her about a bird whisperer. She meets with him and he tells her to leave the parrot with him for one week.
When he brings the bird back she notices a string tied to each leg and asks about them. The ma...

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Little Johnny overheard a couple of girls in school

The kids were whispering "Purple flowers, purple flowers," and giggling. Curious what this meant, Johnny asked his friend.

"Jimmy, what does purple flowers mean?" Johnny asked.

Little Jimmy looked at Johnny in horror and said "I'm not gonna be friends with someone who says stuff like t...

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Bar Joke Alert

Guy walks into a bar. There's a blind pianist with a dancing monkey there, but the man thinks nothing of it and orders a beer.

The monkey chitters, runs over, and dips his ass in the guy's beer before scarpering off.

Guy cusses out the monkey and orders a second beer. Monkey runs over ...

New mower!

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration,...

True Story. So my grandpa, my father and I were out on a car ride to the beach when I was 11.

I always loved riding with my grandpa because he told all of his war stories from serving in WWII, and as a kid they were always cool to hear.

We stopped at a stop sign, and a car with 3 asian kids pulled up behind us ( maybe 18/19 year olds) and immediately started blaring the horn. My gran...

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Three year old and five year old little brothers talking about how they can feel grown up....

The oldest boy says, “I know, we’ll say cuss words.”

First, 3 year old says “I know what I’ll do—I’ll say ‘fuckin’.”

The eldest responds, “I know what I’ll say. You bet your sweet ass.”

They go down stairs for breakfast, and the bright eyed mother says “what do my sweet little b...

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The Talking Parrot

A guy buys a talking parrot that knows how to day swear words and thought it would be cool. After a couple of days, the guy starts to get annoyed being cussed at constantly by the thing. "I'm gonna give you three chances to stop swearing at me or else I'll throw you in the freezer!" The parrot didn'...

A boy was outside trying to sell his lawnmower...

... a preacher rides along in this bike and sees the kid selling the lawnmower. He decides to ask the boys how much he wants for it.

"Well sir, what I really want is a new bike", says the boy.

The preacher thinks on it and asks him if he would be willing to trade the lawnmower for the ...

Resilient Jim

A man walks into a bar. All the guys around him recognize him as Resilient Jim, the toughest guy in town.

Resilient Jim sits down at the bar and orders a Scotch, on the rocks.

A man walks up and sits next to him. "Jim, is it true you once crashed in the Arizona Desert and walked home,...

George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt.

This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally, it stopped.

George thought to himself, "Oh no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."

He open...

HOW TO DRIVE IN ATLANTA

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, Atlana. Old-timers are still allowed to call it Alana.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on I-285 is...

Car breaks down in front of an insane asylum... [Long]

So a guy’s car breaks down in front of an insane asylum in the dead of the night in the pouring rain. The guy gets out of the car and sees he has a flat tire on his front drivers side. He goes to his trunk to grab the spare, the jack, and his wrench.

As he takes the lug nuts off, he places t...

Road Rage

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailga...

Bad Parrot

Man decides to buy a parrot for his mother's birthday. Pet store owner warns him the parrot cusses like a sailor but the man is determined and buys parrot thinking he'll stop the parrot from cussing before Mom's birthday.
First day when parrot cusses the man takes parrot's food away. Being hung...

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt...

...Pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.

The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it ...

A little old lady wants to buy a parrot.

So she goes to the local pet store and asks the shopkeeper if he has any parrots.

"Well I've just got this one right now but I have to warn you he used to belong to an old sailor and he's picked up some nasty words. Why don't you come back next week." He said.

"No that's quite alright...

Lawnmower for sale

A little boy hears the doorbell and answers the door. The gentleman at the door says, "Hi, I'm here about the lawnmower that's for sale."

The little boy replies, "My parents aren't home right now, but it's in the garage if you want to look at it."

The man starts pulling the rope to mak...

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Roger the Living Head [Story Joke]

So there's this newly married couple, and they love each other quite a bit. So they decide they're going to have a child. Nine months goes by and it's time for the child to be delivered, but when the doctors pull the baby out, it is only a head. It's still crying and healthy, but it has no body besi...

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If Johnny Had a Twin Brother

A single mother was raising a pair of terrible twins boys and was at wits ends as to what to do about their behavior, so he went to her pastor to ask for help.

"They're absolute terrors! They disobey me, they wreck the house, they don't do their homework. And worst of all, they cuss like a co...

Lunch with Dad.

A Dad took his two boys, ages 4 and 6 to a diner for lunch while out Christmas shopping. The waitress asked the older boy what he wanted and he said, "I'll have a damn cheeseburger!" Angry that his son had cussed, and in public, the Dad reflexively back handed him off his stool. The waitress, nonp...

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Little Johnny and the ABC's

Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, wh...

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Two brothers hatch a plan before breakfast...

Two brothers, about six and four years old, wake up and start getting ready for the day.

The older brother tells the younger brother: "Today, we are going to learn how to cuss!"

And the younger brother, unsure about the idea says, "Haa, okay! How do we do that??"

The older bro...

Who do you call to clean up foul language?

A cuss-todian!

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11 year old johnny decides to curse

Johnny was 11 years old and his little brother was 7.one morning Johnny decides its time to start cussing and his little brother agrees. a little while later their mom yells up the stairs and tells them to come down for breakfast.

When they get downstairs Mom looks at little Johnny and asks ...

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Some truckers have a dog for company...

A trucker is driving West across Texas, haulin' a trailer full of chickens, with his pet parrot in the cab. While driving through Dallas he sees a beautiful woman on the side of road, leg hiked up, thumb out. He stops and looks at her. "Where ya headed?" He asks. "Headed to California." She says gra...

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Little Johnny's Christmas

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift....

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