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Profess Jokes

What’s the worst profession to sleep with your patient?

Animal taxidermist

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What do you call a prostitute who serves every profession?

A jack off all trades.

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What is a profession that begins with “P”, is often criticised, and is known for fucking people and taking their money?

Politician.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

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We all know the joke about a family's surname being based on their ancestors' profession, so what did John Hancock's family do?

The real question is, what the hell were Emily Dickinson's ancestors up to?

What profession has the most beautiful eyes?

Beekeepers, because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder

What's the least diverse profession in the country?

Chief diversity officer

One liners about professions ?

Example, I would have been a doctor but I didn’t have the patience. Or, trained as a chiropractor but I couldn’t crack it.

Anyone got any more ?

What profession?

The father of a bright young son went to a wise friend for advice as to what profession the youth should be fitted for. The sage was brusque.

"Let the boy choose for himself," he said.

"But," protested the father, "he's too young."

"Well," responded the wise man, "put him in a ...

What profession is the pickiest when it comes to dating?

Scientists.

They reject H0s all the time.

An electrician gets tired of being looked down upon for his profession

so he uses the money he has saved up to become a doctor.

As a resident, he always stood out amongst a crowd that was still mostly younger rich kids who could afford medical school somehow right out of high school and undergrad.

One day in particular, the hospital fire alarm got yanke...

Liquid recently professed her love to solid…

However he was too dense to reciprocate her feelings

A farmer complained to me men of his profession had a tough time attracting women.

“My buddy’s a car showroom salesman and he says him and his work buddies can’t keep them away! I just don’t get it.”

That’s life, I said, fact is, a lot of women simply prefer showers over growers.

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

Audit

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepher...

What's the best profession a person can have that you'll date?

A mortician. They'll be the last person to ever let you down.

During a survey three people of various professions - a mathematician, a sociologist and an accountant - were asked "How much is 2+2?"

The mathematician answered "Four".

The sociologist answered "Assuming that we want the answer that is in accordance with the Western social norms, four."

The accountant asked "And how much do you want it to be?"

A man goes to the bank to apply for a loan

The banker says okay, but I'll need some information first. What do you do for a living?

The man says he's a dentist.

A fine profession! And are you married?

Yes.

And what does your wife do for a living?

Well, it's a little hard to say....

I must know if you...

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Which profession hates the spacebar?

Therapists.

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A man wants to profess his love to his girlfriend.

A man wants to profess his love to his girlfriend, Wendy, so he decides to get her name tattooed on his penis.

After it heals he shows her the work. She says "But it just says W Y."

"Play with it a bit.."

Sure enough he gets hard and she can see her name spelled out clear as day...

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Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a...

When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...

We are from the south so things are going good.

Neighbor: So, what are your sons's professions?

Man: The first one is an engineer, the second one is a doctor. The third one is a business man and my last son is a thief!


Neighbor: What? Why don't you kick your 4th son out of the house?


Man: How can I sir? He is the only one who earns money!

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A profession golfer driving his Porsche picked up an Irish girl hitchhiker.

He had his golfing gear on the back seat. The Irish girl picked up something and asked, "What are these?"

"Those are tees," he said. "I rest my balls on them when I drive."

"Wow!" said the girl. "What will those car makers think of next!"

I think hanging people is a poor choice of professions for an executioner. Better to be the guy with an axe.

Because, with the axe, it’s easier to get ahead...

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It's cool that last names tell us about old family professions

Like the Smith family were blacksmiths


and the Bowman family were archers


and the Dickinson family... well they were in jail

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why is my wife pregnant?

A man told the doctor, "My wife’s pregnant, but we haven’t had sex in over a year. I don’t understand it."



The doctor said, "It’s what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy."



"What’s a grudge pregnancy?" asked the man.



The doctor replied...

Why is rabbit farming a terrifying profession?

Every day is a hare-raising experience.

I can't believe my parents support my choice of profession! I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian.

They laughed at me.

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Punishment by Profession

Three men were exploring a south part of a desert. Just then, three native women and their chief kidnapped them and brought them to his torturing chamber.

The chief said to the first one, "What is your job?"

He said, "I'm a fireman."

The chief said, "His penis... BURN IT OFF!" S...

It's disgraceful that in 2020 the train-driving profession is overwhelmingly male-dominated. Surely it's...

a woman's right to choo-choos.

A journalist tries to find out how different professions deals with basic math.

So he asks them a simple question: "How much is 1+1?"

The mechanical engineer quickly opens a handbook and say, the handbook says 2, let's make it 3 just in case.
The physicist starts scribbling and after 5 minutes say it's between 1.95 and 2.05 within 3 sigma confidence level.
...

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What did the prostitute say when asked her profession and state of residence?

Idaho

What's the least likely profession for a trans person?

Mail man.

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

What do you call a player in a management profession? (NSFW)

A Pimp.

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Back in the day last name said something about your profession...

The Smiths would hammer away creating armor and weapons as blacksmiths. The Fishers would navigate the seas in search as fishermen. And The Dickinsons, well no one really knew what they did.

So I just got into the profession of sales

Now how do I get out?

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician we're arguing over the oldest profession

The doctor said "in the Bible, Eve was made from Adam's rib, so the first profession was a surgeon." The engineer said, "God made the earth from chaos in 7 days, so engineering is the first profession." The politician said, "who do you think you made the chaos?"

Horologists probably never get tired of hearing the same repeated jokes when they mention their profession.

They deeply appreciate things that happen like clockwork.

Why is lockpicking a great profession?

It can open doors for you

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Four 'Older' ladies are sitting in the tearoom of an exclusive country club, discussing their families.

Marjorie Puts down her tea and says "I am so proud of my son. He's a respected heart Surgeon. Just last month he performed a transplant on a famous billionaire and, In gratitude, the gentleman gave him a new Porsche sports car"

Mildred addresses her companions. "Of course, I am also very prou...

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician are debating over whose profession was the first established on the Earth.

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician are debating over whose profession was the first established on the Earth.

"According to the Bible," says the surgeon, "God took a rib from Adam to make Eve. That's a surgeon's job, so we were first."

"But before that, the Bible says God create...

The worst thing about being a profession skier...

...is that your career can only go downhill

My dad asked me why I chose to take up window cleaning as a profession.

I told him it was the only job I could really see myself doing.

What’s the hardest working profession?

Morticians - after they die, they go back to work one last time!

My dad always brags that his was the first profession to go completely digital.

He’s a proctologist.

How did the deaf gynecologist make it to the top of his profession?

He's a great lip reader.

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A lawyer boards a plane and takes his seat in business class.

A few moments later, two more men wander in and sit next to him. They get to chatting and he discovers they are doctors.

After a few moments, one of the doctors comments that he needs a drink.

"It's ok, I'll get it for you," says the lawyer, and gets up. The doctors notice he has take...

Baking is a weird profession

Loafing on the job can get you a raise.

After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves

What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

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Two professions that will always be around are lawyers and plumbers

cause they never run out of shit to do.

A gynaecologist wants a change of profession.

A gynaecologist was a bit bored of his job and wanted a change of profession. He decided that he liked the idea of becoming a mechanic and applied for a position at the local garage. Sure enough he got the job and on his first day he was waiting for his first task. A car pulls up needing some work d...

What profession does the best networking?

Fishermen

When Karl Marx was a young philosophy student, he took it upon himself to travel across the country to see the wide world and learn all that he could to develop his theories.

Hither and thither he would ride across the German countryside, in his little pony-cart pulled by a pair of strong, hardy donkeys, meeting people, studying their lives and professions, and seeking to understand the world.

A time came when he was high in the German mountains. Snow was thick ...

A buddy of mine in the medical profession recently lost his job for trying to sleep with a patient...

Let me tell you, being a veterinarian isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Telemarketing is not a profession.

It's a calling.

Whats the best profession to have for dating?

Arctic sailing, since its always handy for icebreakers.

The oldest profession...

Three professionals, a Doctor, a Lawyer and a Civil Servant, were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The Doctor reminded his colleagues of the Bible, wherein it is stated that God took one of Adam's ribs to create Eve. That was a medical procedure, and so medicine is clearly the o...

So, what's your profession again?

"Well", answered the man, "I'm a magician!"

"A Magician? What type of Magician?"

"It's a family business and I do the sawing down!"

"Family business? So do you have siblings?"

"Yes, two half brothers"

What profession will gain the most business after Covid19 lockdown?

Divorce Lawyers

what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?

hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

A physician, an engineer, and a politician were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the fir...

Professing your love for a girl during intercourse is cliche.

You need to think outside the box.

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Two Americans and a German gynecologist were having a drink...

After a few they start sharing stories from their professions. Since all 3 were gynecologists it soon became a brag-fest.

American 1: "I once had a patient who had a clitoris like a blueberry!"

American 2: "that's nothing, my last patient had one like a cherry!"

German: "I would...

I knew this chick who would give handjobs to anyone, regardless of their profession.

Jacks off all trades.

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Being a pornstar is the worst profession.

You're always working your ass off.

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Three professions

Three people, each with a different profession discuss their job titles.

'I'm a chiropractor' says the first 'or "chiro" for short' .

'I'm a physiotherapist' says the second 'or "physio" for short'.

'I'm a psychologist' says the third 'Can we talk about something else?'

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Some friends and I were having a discussion about our professions.

"I fuck more of my clientele than any of you," spouted Johnny, rather confidently.

"What do you do?" I asked him.

He replied, "I'm a personal trainer."

"That's great," I added, "But I definitely fuck more of my clientele than you."

"What do you do?" he asked curiously....

I'm thinking about changing my profession to mirror repair

It's a job I can really see myself doing.

Working Redditors: What is your favorite joke about your own profession?

Retired U.S. Air Force here and this is my favorite military joke:

The biggest difference between the branches of the U.S. Armed Forces is that if you give the order to **"Secure that building!"**

* The Army will kick the doors down, enter with weapons drawn, eliminate all hostiles...

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The engineers were discussing God's profession

The mechanical engineer said, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at your joints and muscle connections."
The electrical engineer said, "I believe God must be an electrical engineer because your brain, nerves, electrical impulses and shit, just take a look at neurons. No doubt there."
Fi...

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Busy night

A young married couple was having money problems, and since the rent was due in just two days and they were short, they had to think of something fast…

She might not have been the brightest bulb, but his wife had a great ass, so when he suggested she turn that great ass into a money-maker an...

Great joke to make fun of any profession that is hard to get a job in

I'll be using a musician, since I'm a frustrated musician.

There once was a musician looking for a job, he was starting to get desperate since it had been so long since he made any money. One day he gets excited finding out that there's an opening for a musician in the Circus so he goes to th...

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Sonny Liston fights Muhammed Ali, takes a dive, loses and a few years later dies and goes to hell

He wakes up in hell and is greeted by the Devil holding a clipboard. The Devil puts him in a room with millions of small cardboard boxes full of small broken sticks with red tips.

"Liston, you have to spend all eternity repairing the contents of these boxes. We always give the new arrivals a ...

Worst profession for take your kid to work day:

Suicide Bomber

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A prostitute, an engineer, a mathematician, and a politician discuss whose profession is the oldest.

The Prostitute states that it is widely known her profession is the oldest. Engineer then said that before anything someone had to create the Universe, and that was an act of engineering. Mathematician said, that before creating the Universe, the logic and math had to be invented. Without that ther...

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If some last names were an ancestor's profession (Baker, Cobbler)

How do you explain Dickinson?

A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesi...

Did you hear about the Eye Doctor who changed professions to become a comedian?

He made a spectacle of himself.

.

ok its bad. Apologies in advance.

A surgeon, an architect and a lawyer were discussing whose was the oldest profession.

Surgeon: Well, it’s obvious. It was surgery when a ribectomy was performed on Adam to create Eve.

Architect: Come now. First the heaven and earth had to be created, and that couldn’t happen until plans were drawn up.

Lawyer: But what was there before the heaven and earth and the light?...

Which profession has the worst sense of humour?

Well, chiropodists like *corny* jokes.
But opticians like them *cornea*.

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A group of friends were named after their professions.

The artist was named Drew because thats what he did. The laborer was called Manual because thats the type of labor he did. The lawyer was called be Bill because 'Fucking People Out of Money' takes to long to say.

A man accomplishes his life-long dream of becoming a stand-up comedian

However, he does not find any success in the field. His jokes are poor and quite predictable. So, after a couple of weak performances, he quits comedy. Frustrated, he punches at a punching bag, and finds it weirdly satisfying. So, he decides to take up a career in professional boxing as a means to f...

There are certain professions where having experience doesnt account for anything

like being a suicide bomber

An optician decides to retire from his profession and become a priest. He's taking his first wedding, and says 'Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband for better or for worse?'

'Better, or worse? Better, or worse?'

Apart from designers, what profession is the best at making clothes?

Biologists, they work with genes all the time.

My friend had an affair with a patient. Worked so hard to achieve his degree and one mistake means he lost everything.

A great loss to the veterinary profession.

The Oldest Profession

A lawyer, engineer and physician are debating the oldest profession over drinks.

“Medicine is the oldest," declared the doctor, "because in Genesis God surgically removed Adam's rib to create Eve."

"That's true," agreed the Engineer sitting down her beer, "but even earlier God creat...

History Professor

A History Professor is welcoming a fresh intake of undergraduates and decides it is worth having a little fun to settle down the nervous young adults.

He looks at the register to see which students are in his class this semester.

“Do we have a Miss Butcher here?” He asks and a hand i...

What is the most masculine profession?

What is the most masculine profession?

Maleman

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A redditor is being investigated for tax fraud

So he goes to the IRS bar at the bank with his attorney little Johnny.

The tax bartender asks him "you have no marketable skills, how do you make so much money?"

The redditor responds "I tell jokes, want to hear one? If you guess the punch line I'll pay you $69, if not you'll owe me $...

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

A man's son is about to return from prison.

A man's son is about to return from prison. After spending five years in the clink, the man was very curious to know what his son plans to do further in life and what profession he's going to choose for his future. He decides to test his son. He sets a bottle of alcohol, a wad of money, a gun and a ...

He Does What???

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of the Granville Christian Church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope ...

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Submitted Dating ad:

I am man, 33, looking for a long term relationship.
Profession: Member of parliament for 11 years.
Traits: Strenuous, hard-working, righteous, honest, incorrupt, truthful, fighting for the rights of poor people.

Answer:
I am 30.
Profession: Working 15 years as a prostitute.
Tra...

A MSU fan, a Notre Dame fan, and a Michigan fan, are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most.

The MSU fan insists that he is most loyal and then yells, "This is for SPARTANS!" and jumps off the
mountain.

Not to be out done, The Notre Dame fan next professes his love for his team. He screams,"This is for the Irish" and pushes the Michigan fan off the mountain.

The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had...

Now You Tell Me

A preacher in New Orleans is known to be a good, holy man of God.

One day, while the preacher is at home, a hurricane whips up, with torrential rains and rising waters. His neighbor comes by, saying he's leaving, and would the preacher like ride? The preacher says, "No, the Lord will save me...

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being. After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie. He asks "How can I ever repay you?"

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before;...

Ambitious Johnny

Teacher: Johnny, what do you want to be when you grow old?

Little Johnny: Doctor !!

Teacher: Why?

Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

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Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

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Three guys were on a trip to Arabia.

One day, they stumbled into a Harem Tent with 10 beautiful women.
The men got really friendly with the women, when suddenly a sheikh entered.
"I am the master of these women! No one shall touch them except me!
You will be punished corresponding to your profession!"
The sheikh ...

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The Man Who Needed Help.

So, a man walks into a Physiatrist office, he is wearing no clothing, but he is wrapped from head to toe in Saran wrap...

He asks the Shrink if in his profession opinion the man is okay.

The Physiatrist say; "Well I can clearly see your nuts!".

The man in Cling wrap turns aroun...

Three musicians are killed in an automobile accident. They arrive together at the pearly gates, where they are greeted by Saint Peter.

"Hello," says Saint Peter. "I suppose you'd like to get into Heaven!"

"Yes, we would," says the first musician, a band director.

"Well, there's just a little test you have to take. Nothing too difficult. Related to your earthly profession," says Saint Peter.

"OK," says the band ...

Four professionals.

Four friends were going out for coffee when they spotted a hooker, “the worlds oldest profession” says one. The Doctor among them said “No, My profession is the oldest. It says in the Bible that God created woman from Adam’s rib. That’s the work of a surgeon”
“Ahhhh” says the second friend, “but ...

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A married couple has run out of money..

They decide that the only solution is that the wife turn to the oldest profession to help them make ends meet.

The husband drops her off at the street corner and tells her he'll be back to pick her up at the end of the night.

When he arrives to pick her up he asks: "So, how much did y...

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