A blind blond guy walks into a bar and yells out, "Hey! Do you all want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"

One of the patrons takes the guy aside and says, "Look, buddy. The bartender is blond. The 400-pound wrestler sitting near the window is blond. The armed police officer sitting at the bar is blond. The lawyer sitting at the back of the bar close to the washrooms is blond. The martial arts guy sittin...

At a boat rental concession the manager spots a boat out on a lake and yells through his megaphone,"Number 99,come in please. Your time is up."

Several minutes pass but the boat doesn't return.

"Boat number 99," He again hollers, "Return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you over time."

"Something's wrong!We only have 75 boats."the manager pauses then raises his megaphone,"Boat number 66,are you okay?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?

He hated the juice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dyslexic walks into a bank and yells

"Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off the van and proceeds to whip the girl until they bothcollapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl no...

I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike

As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow.

I tried.

A man walks into a zoo and finds out the only animal in it is a dog. The man yells out:

"What a shihtzu!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once I was in a Uber and when I decided to talk with the driver, so I touched his shoulder, that seriously scared him and he yelled

\-JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE HELL---!

\-Hey, it's just me!

\-Oh, I'm sorry. You have no idea how much you scared me now, I thought this was still my old job.

\-What was your old job?

\-I used to drive hearses.

I just got in trouble from my parents for yelling "What the duck!"

They told me I'm not to use fowl language

Why can't ewoks yell in the house?

Because they have to use their Endor voices.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 6 year old and I were at the store and he saw a woman with large breasts and he yelled “Dad, look at those big boobies!!” I whispered to him, “It’s not polite to say boobies, it might embarrass her”.

He thought for a minute and yelled “Dad, look at those chest cheeks!!”

(True story, that’s my boy)

An Irishman is at the top of the diving board about to dive in when the attendant yells out "Stop! The pool has no water in it!"

"That's OK" says Paddy. "I can't swim".

My grandpa was there when the titanic sunk. He kept on yelling that it was going to sink.

They had to kick him out the movie theater.

"I'm three!" yelled my son as he held up three fingers.

"Son, I need you to tell me where you found those fingers."

As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside yelled: “I’m not dead! I’m not dead!”

To which the vicar shouted back: “Sorry, the paperwork has already been done.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

My wife walked into the room and I snuck up behind her and yelled; BOO! She cried hysterically and ran outside.

I always do this to her but I guess it was funnier when I was alive.

What does a beaver yell when its mad?

Dam it, Dam it all!

A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"

The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

I saw a guy at the beach yelling, “Help! Shark! Help!”

I was like, “I don’t think that shark is going to help you.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

My wife was fed up with me, so she packed my things and told me to get out. As I walked out she yelled, "And I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death."

“So you want me to stay then? I replied.

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.

Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

My girlfriend always yells at me when I let the cat out of the bag

"STOP PUTTING MY CAT IN BAGS!"

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to.

I was keeping the umbrella.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk Turkish guy in Berlin bar is yelling :

" We are the largest minority in Germany, no one can fuck with us ! "
And some granny turns around on her seat looking at him dead serious and says:
" There were also six million Jews ."

A lady yells: "NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU PIG!". Everyone in the bar stops and stares...

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says: "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassin...

My friend still hasn’t seen season 8 of Game of Thrones. And every time I try to broach the subject she just yells at me, “No Spoilers!” So I gave up on trying to warn her

That she shouldn’t name her baby, Khaleesi.

Bernie Sanders walks into a bar and yells:

Free drinks for everyone!
Now who's buying?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a loaded six-shot revolver. He yells: "Which one of you bastards slept with my sister?"

One man laughs and replies: "You ain't got enough bullets!"

What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k?

HDMI

edit because everyone's yelling at me: its a repost. please stop downvote spamming my comments

edit 2: i dont know why it got tagged as nsfw. please stop asking

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

Today I was smoking a cig in front of my local Walmart when the guard came yelling at me...

Guard : "Excuse me sir! We have no smoking rules around here!"

Me : "Great! Most stores have a ton of them!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife yells at her husband...

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"

Husband : "what did I do?"

Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"

Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"

Wife: "The fucking...

I once knew a homeless man named Cuatro Cinco. He would stand on the corner all day yelling, "Count 1,2,3... Count 1,2,3!!!"

One day I asked him,"Why should I count 1,2,3?"

He replied, "Because, Cuatro Cinco says!"

A man walked into a bar and yelled, "shots for everyone!"

He is now in prison for 28 counts of murder.

To the woman who yelled at me for sleeping on the bus: Screw You

Do you realise how exhausting it is driving a bus?

“Wait a minute! You have been cheating on me all this time!”, my wife yelled at me as she found all the letters I had been hiding.

I felt cornered and prepared myself to face her fury, as she got red with anger and started walking towards me. She looked straight into my eyes and gave me a killer look I could never forget.



And kids, that’s the last time I played scrabble with her!

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

My wife just yelled at me because she says I never buy her flowers

I'm really confused because I didn't even know she **sold** flowers

One time I was in a church and yelled "creeper!!"

Everybody said amen.

Airport Security yelled at me today

Said I was in plane sight

STOP YELLING

It's not a-loud

I sat down to eat my turkey sandwich and my wife yells, "Enjoying your meat, you murderer?"

I only wish one day goes by without her mentioning the time I killed her mother

A wife is yelling at her husband, “Get out! I hate your guts!”

So the husband packs up his things and walks out the door.

As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “I hope you die a slow and painful death!”

He suddenly stops and says, “Wait, so you want me to stay?”

What did the janitor yell when he jumped out of the closet?

SUPPLIES!!!

It's Halloween and a little boy dressed as a pirate goes up to the door and yells "Trick or treat!"

The man opens the door, and upon seeing the little boy says "Hey matey! Where's your buccaneers?"

The little boy says "Under my bunkin' hat!"

I am so single. I went to Grand Canyon, alone. I yelled “I love you” just to hear it said back to me.

My echo replied. “I just want to be friends”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men vs gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
r&...

Did you hear about the Doctor who kept yelling at his clients?

He lost his patients.

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.

The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets"

The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again:
"One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!"

Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy runs into a bar and yells "Quick I gotta get ten shots of your finest whiskey, fuck the cost, pour the shots I'm gonna take them all!"

The bartender is a bit surprised with the request but he lines up the shots, and watches, with a bit of concern but is also kind of impressed as this guy sits on a barstool and slams shot after shot until they're all down.

"Hot damn!" says the bartender. "That's fucked up, what's going on wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband walks in the door, sits in his favorite chair, and yells to his wife, “Quick bring me a beer before it starts!”

The wife brings him a beer and he cracks it, drinking it down quickly.

“Quick it’s going to start soon, bring me another beer!” He shouts. The wife dutifully obeys.

“Ok it’s definitely starting soon, bring me another beer really quick!”

The wife, now frustrated, responds, “Go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with my wife last night...

I was having sex with my wife last night when she suddenly yelled, “Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!”

“Just relax.” I said, “You might like it.”

“Relax?” she screamed, “What the fuck is Dave doing here?”

I was walking down a pathway between fields when a farmer yelled out to me

Farmer: Can you please help me round up these 19 sheep?

Me: Sure, you have 20

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."


Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If cajuns yell "ooh wee, makes me want to slap my mother in law" when they eat something good, what do the Japanese say?

Ooh-mommy.

What did the sailor yell to the woman standing on shore?

Land ho!

What's worse than yelling FIRE in a mexican neighborhood?

ICE

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss just walked in with some scientists and yelled "Random drug test!"

I think he's taking the piss

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim was out drinking at the bar, when all of a sudden he pukes all over his shirt. "Dammit!" Jim yells "My wife is going to kill me when she finds out I was drinking and puked all over my self!"

"I have an idea" the man sitting next to him said "Here." and hands Jim a $50 bill.

"What's this for?" Jim asked.

"When you get home tonight, just tell your wife I threw up on you as you passed me on the street and I gave you the money for cleaning.".

"Great idea" Jim replies...

My son yells out potty jokes in class

We’re afraid he has toilettes’ syndrome

So I went to a psychic and knocked on the door, she yelled "who is it?"

So I left.

Paddy is about to go into the bar for a little refreshment when he hears someone yelling "Do not go into that house of sin!"

He turns around on the point of telling the interfering busybody to feck off, but he holds his tongue when he sees that it is a nun, and instead he lifts his hat politely and says "Why must I not go in there, holy sister?"

"Because," rages the nun, "it is the devil's brew that they are sellin...

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

A lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool.

He startled me so badly I nearly fell in.

As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming, don't stop the car!.. We won't make it!.. We won't!.. Can't!" "Driver, hurry!" I yelled..

"Her contractions are getting closer together!"

A man is visiting a prison. Suddenly, on his right, a man yells "20!" And everyone dies of laughter.

After the laughter dies down, a different man yells "5!", getting the same reaction.

When the visitor asks an inmate, "What's going on?", the visitor replies "Well, we've all been here so long, we numbered our jokes. So when we say a specific number, everyone remembers the same joke."

...

My wife was yelling at me this morning for going to the bathroom in the shower. I don't know what her problem is

I squished it all down the drain with my feet.

A man walks into his doctor's office and yells "Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm invisible"

"Who said that?" The doctor yells back

LeBron James yelled "F&%@# YOU!" as he collided with the opponent while driving to the hoop with the ball. However the opponent had both feet planted.

The refs found the foul to be offensive.

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

A panda bear walks into a bar...

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The panda eats the sandwich, whips out a pistol, and shoots the waiter dead. As he is walking towards the exit, the bartender yells “HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU DIDNT PAY FOR THAT SANDWICH AND YOU JUST SHOT MY WAITER!”

The panda bear just...

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender

"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out i...

What did Captain Flavor Flav yell at sea?

YEAAAAHHHH BUOOOOYYYY

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who pissed in your sax!”

People are rude. You make a compliment on someone's moustache and you get yelled at:

that woman was so ungrateful...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
<...

What did the little battery yell when it stepped on a lego?

AAA

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started yelling and punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

What do you yell before dropping a piano in a mineshaft?

See sharp or be flat miner

I was driving down the road and this lady was riding her bike. I yelled out the window, "Cow!"

She turned around and flipped me off!
2 seconds later she ran right into that cow.

It was night in a solemn street and a drunk was looking inside an open manhole yelling 25, 25, 25, 25.

A man hears the commotion and goes toward the drunk. He also looks inside the manhole to see what's going on. The drunk kicks him inside...

26, 26, 26, 26

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife calls her mother in-law and asks her "If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?" Mother in-law yells "the mother!"

Wife - "Then come clean up your drunk son!"

I just yelled"F,YOU GUYS!" at my students

God, I love being a music teacher

What does a French lumberjack yell just before the tree falls?

Tomber!

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

Unconvinced, I replied, "Surely, you must be Joe."

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

Polyphemus the cyclops learns his assaulter's name and yells to Poseidon to strike him down Poseidon asks why?

Polyphemus:
"He's O-dissing-us"

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It took me a while to get this...funny when I did though

Cats probably wonder why soda cans/bottles yell "FUCK OFF" when they are opened...

My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child.

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo...

...when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him.

A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!".

The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him.

When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and yells out "ALL LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES!"

A guy in the bar stood up and said
"HEY! I TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT!"
What are you a lawyer or something?!
"No I'm an asshole."

So did you hear the one about the guy that would scream and yell about losing his foot?

Turns out on top of being diabetic he was lacktoes intolerant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaz...

A dumb guy calls to yell at the pizza man at his local shop.

“I got this pizza delivered and I specifically asked to have the pie cut into six slices. This pie is cut in eight slices!”



“What’s the big deal?” the pizza man wondered.



“There is no way I’ll be able to eat all these!” the man yelled.

A man walks into a bar with a gun and yells "WHO SLEPT WITH MY WIFE! I'M GONNA KILL 'EM!"

A man calmly stands up and says, "You ain't got enough bullets, mate."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the bathroom and someone yelled "BOO"

Scared the crap out of me!
... Too bad I was at a urinal

So Gary goes to prison...

One Friday, Gary is walking around the courtyard checking the place out, he notices a a huge group of the inmates gathered around in a circle. Curious, he walks up to group and asks someone what's happening.

"Every Friday we get together and tell jokes. We've got some good ones. Check it out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by t...

What do you yell at a bar of gold to get its attention?

A-U!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you get a crowd of elderly people to all yell "FUCK!" at the same time?

Be the first to call out bingo.

I was tickling my son's little feet, when my wife woke up and started yelling at me...

Something about, "Waiting until he's born..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"

Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my grandad was stumbling through the house after the power went out, looking for a snack of leftover chicken in the fridge, tripped over a trash can and yelled "Aaaargh!" as he fell.

Which came first, the shitcan or the aaargh?

A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you b...

Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."

Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

Someone was banging on my door yesterday and yelling "let me in, let me in". I went and had a look through the peep hole, and standing outside was a man dressed as a basin.

Just let that sink in.

Your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door. Who do you let in?

The dog of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in

Do you know who I am?

It was final exams for a senior level college class, and the exam counted as 75% of the grade.

The exam was also strictly timed.

5 minutes before the time was up, the professor gave a warning, "remember, 5 minutes left. When I say put your pencils down, you must do it, or you'll immedi...

When a man falls out of your boat and into the water, you should yell "man overboard". What should you yell if a woman falls into the water?

**Full speed ahead!**

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I answered, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

Guy yells to a stranger across the river

"I need to get to the other side".

Stranger yells back, "You are on the other side".

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting n...

I was walking down the street, when I saw an ugly women yelling at her two kids.

I walked up to her and said to her,

“You have some very nice kids. Are they twins?”

She replied,

“No they aren’t twins, the older one’s 10 and the younger one’s 7! How could you possibly that? Are you blind?”

“Oh, my bad. I just couldn’t believe someone would sleep with ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:

-Which one of you fucked my wife??!!
Some guy in the crowd says:
- you should bring more bullets

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bus driver, the hippy, and the nun.

A bus driver, a hippy, and a nun are all on the bus as it comes to a stop. As the nun is getting off the hippy says to her “I am going to have sex with you.” The nun replies “like hell you are and leaves.” The buss driver says “do you see that grave site over there?” Hippy replays “yes.” “Well every...

An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells

"Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"   "Is this her first child?" asks the operator.   "No you dumb ass! It’s her husband!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a scientist had a brilliant idea

He thought to himself, "People are so preoccupied with talking animals, why don't i make the first ever talking food!". This was a momentous idea that he just had, and he thought it best to experiment on his favourite food item: Matzo balls.

The scientist made a matzo ball, and after much tri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!"

That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

50000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes are not stupid" convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The ma...

"Got any crackers?"

asked the duck of the bartender.

The bartender replies "No, get out of here!"

The duck returns after a few minutes and asks "Got any crackers?"

The bartender yells "No! If you ask me again, I'm gonna nail your beak shut!"

The duck returns in a half hour. "Got any ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Hypnotist was hired at a retirement home.

He was trying to hypnotize 150 old folks. He was swinging his pocket watch back and forth. The watch had been passed down from generations. As he was swinging the watch, the chain snapped, sending the watch plummeting to the ground, breaking into thousands of pieces. “Shit!” He yelled. It took them ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

Dr. Geezer

An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.”

Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a ...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dog and a rabbit are in a bar having a few drinks when a drunk decides that he doesn't like their kind patronizing his establishment.

He goes over and voices his displeasure with them being in HIS bar.
Now now take it easy slim, says the rabbit ,if you can solve this riddle we will buy you all the drinks you can have for the night. Well he thinks about it for a minute and thinks, why not. Ok then but if you get it wrong my dog...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.